One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 11 - Gift Horses - full transcript

While Ann is off on a business trip Barbara is left between two competing grandmothers.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Mom, which coat do you
wanna take on your trip?

Your burgundy or your tan?
- Surprise me, honey,

I trust you!

But not the burgundy!
(audience laughter)

I hear it's going to be
really cold in New York.


I finally found out,
after all these years,

the secret to
packing for a trip.

- Really, what's that!
- Throw in everything you own.

(audience laughter)


Barbara, I want you
to know something.

I'm really proud of you.
- Well thank you!

What for?

- Because I know I can
leave you for a few days

and not have to
worry about you at all!

Even though there's ample
opportunity for wild parties,

drinking, young men
and god knows what else.

- Oh, please!
(audience laughter)

I'm not gonna have time
for any of that good stuff.

Grandma Cooper's
coming to visit,

for an entire week.
- I know, darling,

and she's really a
very nice woman.

Deep down. (audience laughter)


She's just...
- Your ex-mother-in-law.

- Yeah, and you are
going to have to apologize

your head off for me.

Make sure she knows
that I just absolutely

had to go to New York for this
business meeting, you know?

And it's a shame.

I mean, it's a really (snaps)

It's tough luck that
I will just miss her!

- Yeah, really is a
shame. (audience laughter)

You could take a later flight!

- Uh-uh. (audience laughter)

- I didn't think so.

But everything will be okay.

It's just that every time
Grandma Cooper comes to visit,

we seem to just sit around
and look at each other

and think of the same two words,

"generation gap".

I never seem to have that
problem with Grandma Romano.

- Oh that's because my
mother always tries so hard

to be one of the girls.

Even when I stopped, she didn't.

You know, I think Grandma
Cooper's never really

looked at me.
- Oh, honey, don't exaggerate.

- No, really, I'm
not exaggerating.

I remember once
when she came to visit.

She brought me one
of those Paint the Clown

by the Numbers sets.

I was 16! (audience laughter)

- Oh honey, I think if
you try to warm up to her,

she'll warm up to you.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll try.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

I'll call you from New York!
- Okay.

- Try to make her feel welcome.

- Mom, I'm going to
make her feel so welcome,

she won't ever wanna leave.

- Don't overdo it.
(audience laughter)

- Hi, it's so nice...

Grandma Cooper! (groans)

Grandma, it's nice
to see you! (muttering)

(super-excited voice)
Grandma Cooper!

Terrific. (audience laughter)

(doorbell rings)

- Grandma Romano,
hi! (audience laughter)

- Hey, this is wonderful!

Hey, honey, we
really ought to spend

more time with each other!

- Oh c'mon Grandma, we see
each other practically every day!

- Has Ann yet?
- Yeah, she left

a couple of hours ago.
- Oh, good!

She's getting to be an
old fuddy duddy anyway.

Hey, why don't we do something!

We can let our hair
down, go a little nutty,

maybe take in a movie!

- Oh, I'd love to but I can't,

I'm waiting for Grandma Cooper.

- Grandma Cooper?
- Yeah, she's coming to visit.

As a matter of
fact, I thought that...

- You thought...
- I thought that we might all

take in a movie!
- Barbara.

That hug you gave
me was not my hug.

- (nervously) Yes it
was! (audience laughter)

Well, it wasn't, but I will.

- There, that's the
bloodless hug I'm used to.

(audience laughter)

- Please don't make
me feel guilty, Grandma.

- Oh, honey, now don't feel bad!

I mean it's only natural for
you to favor one grandmother

over the other.

There has to be an Avis
grandmother and a Hertz grandmother!

(audience laughter)

I'll just try harder.

- You're not going
to make me say

which one of you I
like better, are you?

- (sighs) Well, I...

I think I better get going.

(audience laughter)

- Okay, Grandma,
you're Hertz, okay?

- Oh, I'm Hertz!

That helps, you're so
silly! (phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh hi Grandma
Cooper, where are you?

Oh, okay!

Okay then, I'll see you soon.

Okay, bye bye.

She had a little car trouble,

but she should be
here in a couple hours.

Should give me time to think
of something to talk about.

- You never have any trouble
talking, you're a Romano!

- Oh, it's never as
easy to talk to her

as it is to you.
- Really!

Well, you have to
give her a chance.

See, now that I'm
a widow myself,

I understand how anxious
she is to feel wanted

and close to family.

Besides, I certainly can't
be jealous of her spending

a rare weekend with
her granddaughter.

- Oh, she's staying a
week, not a weekend.

- A week, what for!

That wasn't me, just my mouth.

A week, a weekend, a month,

it'll be good for her.

And it'll be good for you too,

you'll get to know each other.

And I'll leave you
completely alone to do it.

- Can you do me a favor,
before you go into exile?

Stop over here in
a couple of hours

and kinda help me break the ice?

After that I'll be fine.

- Barbara, you're
asking me to intrude!

- Please intrude?

- Well, alright. (laughing)

But I'm so out of practice!
(audience laughter)

(doorbell rings)

- Barbara!
- Grandma Cooper!

Hi, c'mon in!
- You look marvelous!

- And you look terrific, I've
never seen you look better!

- Oh, it's nothing several
hundred of carefully-selected

make-up and designer
clothes couldn't do

for any beat-up warhorse.
(audience laughter)

- Oh, some warhorse!
- Let me take a good look

at you! (gasping)

I think something's happened
since I last saw you...

You got, you got...

Well let me put it
this way, you got!

- Oh, well! (audience laughter)

Nothing a couple years
of junk food can't do

for any teenager!
- There's a difference!

On you, the designer
puts his signature

where someone will notice it.

When you're my age,
they hide it in the lining.

- Oh! (audience laughter)

- So, your mother
ducked out on me again!

- Oh, yeah, she really had to
go to New York on business.

She wanted me
to apologize to you.

- She should apologize to
you, leaving her child alone

to face a cranky old-timer!

- You're not cranky.
- So I'm an old-timer, am I!

(audience laughter)

- No, you're not an
old-timer! (laughing)

- Barbara, listen.
- What?

- This, what we're
doing, those sounds!

I think it's called
"making conversation".

- I think you're right!

- It's not Noel
Coward, but it's the best

we've managed in years! (laughs)

I wonder why that was.

- I don't know!
- Oh, kids were always

a mystery to me.

My policy was, keep
children at a distance,

you never know when
they might spit up on you.

(audience laughter)

- Well, I promise to be careful!

- I think the danger's passed.
- Oh, I hope so! (giggling)

- Before I forget, I
brought you something!

- Oh, no, Grandma, you
don't have to buy me something

every time you come to visit!

- No, my mother gave this to me.

Her mother gave it to
her, and I think her mother

gave it to her.
(Barbara gasping)

I didn't have a daughter,
and it didn't look good

on your father.
(audience laughter)

- Oh Grandma, this is beautiful!

Oh, I feel honored!
- I thought it should pass on

from one lovely
person to another.

- Oh, thank you!

- Now let's go out and
buy a blouse to go with it.

- No, no there's not going
to be any shopping if you're

gonna be spending a fortune
on me like you always do.

- Barbara, it'll make me
very happy to buy you

a simple silk blouse!

Are you going to
begrudge me that pleasure?

- Well, alright.
(audience laughter)

But only to make you
happy! (doorbell rings)

- Hi, sweetie, I was in...
- Oh, hi, it's nice to see you

but everything's
really going terrific,

I'll call you tomorrow!
- Yeah, well, it can't be

that terrific, it's
only me, Estelle!

- Katherine!
- I just wanted

to drop this off for
Ann and Barbara.

Besides, it gave me an excuse
to come over and say hello!

(awkward peck on the
cheek) (audience laughter)

- A dustpan?

- Grandma, that's very
thoughtful, thank you.

Well aren't I lucky!

Two super grandmothers
together in the same room!

- Barbara, you make that
sound like a segment out of

"That's Incredible".
(audience laughter)

Well! (awkward laughter)

Yeah, well.

- You know what we need?

We need some wine, I think
this occasion calls for a toast!

- (together) You're
not old enough to drink!

She is too!
- There, it's settled!

- You look wonderful,
Estelle, and what a cute outfit!

- Thank you!
- It's so wise to wear

something sensible and
inexpensive when you're traveling.

(audience laughter)

- Here we go, nothing
like a fine Beaujolais!

And this wine
is nothing like it.

- Isn't this nice.
- Yes.

- You're not on any
medication, are you, dear?

(audience laughter)

- To old friends!
- Perfect.

- To old, old, old friends.
(audience laughter)

Barbara, what a
beautiful locket!

- Do you like it,
I gave it to her!

- Isn't it gorgeous?

It was her mother's, and
her mother's mother's,

and her mother's
mother's mother's!

- Ah, it's a used locket.
(audience laughter)

- We didn't have
a family dustpan.

(audience laughter)

If we're going to do any
shopping before the stores close

we'd better get started.
- Oh, Grandma,

are you sure you're
really up to shopping?

- Oh, I never felt better,
c'mon, let's move it!

(audience laughter)

- Okay...

(audience applause)

- Is there a mannequin
left in this town that is not

stark naked? (audience laughter)

- If you'll both excuse me
I'm going to take a little nap.

I'm really bushed!
- The word is spent.

- But well-spent.
(audience laughter)

See you soon.
- Okay, I'll wake you

for dinner.

Schneider, I'm worried.

- What's the matter, didn't
you try any of this on?

(audience laughter)

- About Grandma Romano.

We were shopping for about
an hour, and all of a sudden

I turned around
and she was gone!

- Wait a second, hold it.

You left here with two grandmothers,
and you came back here

to this apartment
with one grandmother?

- Fine, don't make me feel bad.

I mean, have you
ever been in the middle

between two grandmothers?

(audience laughter)

- I once had a 72-hour
pass in Vera Cruz.

What can I tell you, it was
my good deed for the year.

(knocking on the door)

- That's the door.
- Why don't you get it.

- I'll get it.
- Yeah.

- Hey, hey, hey, what's this!

- It's Italian, very heavy!

- What's going on, this must
be some kind of mistake!

- Barbara Cooper?
- Yes.

- Then it's all yours!

- What is, I don't...

But I didn't order
anything like this!

- There you go!
- Yeah, hold it right there!

(audience laughter)

I had to capture
that look for posterity!

- Grandma, what's going on?
- Remember how you always

wanted an electric organ?

- Uh, no, when did
I always want one?

- When you turned
eight years old!

Happy eighth birthday, Barbara!

- Wow. (audience laughter)

You know how lucky you are?

When most people here
want one of these things

they're either
roller-skating or in a casket!

- Yeah, lucky, it is beautiful!

Grandma, you can't afford this!

- I can so!
- I don't even know

how to play!
- I'll teach ya!

You know what I
love about an organ?

I mean, everything
about it says "class"!

This is the instrument
of the masters!

(plays "Take Me Out
To The Ballgame")

- What's all this racket!

Where did this thing come from?

(audience laughter)

- Just a little something
that I picked up for Barbara!

- Isn't there a monkey
that goes with it?

(audience laughter)

- What d'you mean by
that? (audience laughter)

- When it comes to my
Barbara, I'm a firm believer

that it's quality, not
quantity that counts.

(plays suspenseful cadence)

- Did you see the lovely
two-piece bathing suit

Barbara got today?

- Oh, well that's very dainty.
- And light.

Just the right
weight for Hawaii.

- Hawaii! (plays giddy music)

- That's right, Hawaii,
where Barbara and I are going

to spend the most
relaxing two weeks

either one of us has ever had.

Away from all of
life's little irritations.

(audience laughter)

- You can't mean it!

I mean, you don't
really mean Hawaii?

- I mean every syllable!
- Oh, Grandma!

You are wonderful,
that's incredible!

I've been dying to go to Hawaii!

Well, not dying, actually.
(audience laughter)

More like, immensely curious...

- Oh, you'll love it, Barbara,
we'll visit three islands.

Maui, Kauai and Oahu.
- Oh, three islands,

that sounds incredible!

And tiring, that
sounds very tiring!

(phone ringing)

(playing chase music)
(audience laughter)

- Aloha, and welcome
to Fantasy Island!

Oh, hi Mom, you're
never going to believe this,

but Grandma Cooper bought
me this beautiful bathing suit,

it's just the right weight
for Hawaii and Kauai

and how's everything
in the Big Apple?

What do you mean, I just
had one little sip of wine!

(audience laughter)

Uh, what don't you understand?

Oh, okay, she wants to talk to
somebody on Earth. (giggling)

- How are you, Annie dear?

Yeah, she's a little hyper.

- I hear that Hawaii is very
crowded this time of year.

- Well, we're going to
Hawaii, just the two of us!

- Oh, I hope it's
not typhoon season!

- But it's done, Annie,
don't worry about it.

I'm taking care of everything!

- Joyce Rappaport went there
last year and got second degree

sunburn, had her purse
stolen, and almost choked

on a macadamia nut!
(audience laughter)

- Alright dear, don't work too
hard, here's Barbara again!

- Well, Mom, you heard
her, her mind's made up!

Yes, okay, I'll talk to
you about it tomorrow.

Okay, bye bye, give
my regards to Broadway!

♪ Give my regards to Broadway

♪ Remember me to Harold's Square

♪ Tell 'em (audience laughter)

- Why didn't you let me
say something to her?

- Oh, she really was busy...

- I understand, she probably
didn't even know I was here.

- Oh, Grandma, no...
- I understand perfectly.

There certainly wasn't time
to mention one tiny word

about the organ.
- Oh, Grandma, I'm sorry!

- Or you probably just
forgot that it was here!

I mean, after all, it's just
sitting right here in front

of you, like a pile of
discarded hundred dollar bills!

- Now, Katherine, Barbara
was not trying to insult you.

- Really, well you should
know, you are the insult expert!

(plays sad music)

- Can I see you in the hall?

- Yeah, sure!

Excuse me, ladies, I'll
be back in awhile (singing)

with a song and smile,
until then, so long!

(audience laughter and applause)

Do you wanna see me in the hall?

- Yes, and you look
wonderful out there!

(audience laughter and applause)

You're acting like
you're two years old!

- She certainly is, Barbara,
why don't you send her

to her room!
- I mean the both of you!

I love you both, but I really
hate the way you're behaving

and the way you're
making me behave!

Now, Grandma Romano!
- Not now, Barbara,

we have a lot of things
to say to each other!

- Now, Katherine...
- Grandma Cooper!

- Barbara, please
don't interrupt.

- Sit down now!

Both of you, please.

- Oowee, wow, there's
that Cooper blood in her!

(audience laughter)

- Are you kidding?

She's behaving just
like you-know-who.

Next she'll be dying
her hair orange!

(audience laughter)

- Hold it, both of you!

I'm sorry, but somehow I
feel like all this is my fault.

You're both trying
to buy my love!

I mean, this is all some
sort of game, isn't it,

to see which one can
out-spend the other?

I don't care about the gifts.

I care about you!

Now Grandma Romano,
Grandma Cooper.

Not necessarily in that order!

I just want one thing from you.

- What?
- What's that?

- You figure it out!

When you do, call me.

I'm not coming
back until you do.

If it takes forever...

- Forever is never
having to say I'll see you.

(audience laughter)

- Well, nice going, Estelle!

(warbling organ notes)

- Nice tone.

- Yes.

- Nice organ.

- Thank you.

Nice tune.

- Yes.

- (sighs) You play well.
- Thanks.

- If you push this
other stop in you get

a completely different
tone. (organ tone changes)

- I love organ music.
- I love Hawaiian music.

(organ notes wobble

- I've always dreamed
of going to Hawaii!

- Yeah, so have I.

- Organ music, it's ominous.
- At least you know

they're not dusting
each other to death.

- True, I suppose I
should go back in there.

- Well, I'll wait out here
since you think I look better

in the hall.
- You do.

(audience laughter)

Okay, you two, I just...
- Oh, Barbara, honey,

we're so sorry.

- You are?
- You were so right.

- I was!
- Yeah, about forcing

these gifts on you.
- We shouldn't do that.

- Oh, but I appreciate...
- But honey,

everything is
working out perfectly.

- It is?
- Yes, oh Barbara.

Honey, I know you really
didn't want this silly old organ,

and you were just
too polite to say so.

So that's why I've
decided to take it back

to pay for my trip.
- What trip?

- Well, Estelle and I are
going to go to Hawaii, together.

(audience laughter)

- I, I'm...
- Oh, you don't have to

put that hurt look
on your face for me.

I know you didn't want to
spend two weeks in Hawaii

with a cranky old bat.

I'm taking you off the hook!
- But, I...

- Isn't it wonderful?
- Uhh...

- Katherine and I just discovered
we have more in common

than just you.
- Yes, there's Harry James...

- And Greta Garbo!
- And nickel phone calls!

- And nickel ice cream cones!
- Yes, Gussie Moran!

- And Carl Hubbell and Father
Divine! (audience laughter)

- Hey, do you remember
Three Little Fishies?

(plays organ note)

♪ Boop boop dit-tem
dat-tem what-tem chu

♪ Boop boop dit-tem
dat-tem what-tem chu

♪ Boop boop dit-tem
dat-tem what-tem chu

♪ And they swam and
they swam all over the dam

C'mon, Barbara!

♪ Down in the meadow
in a little bitty pool

♪ Swam three little
fishies and a mama fishie too

♪ Swim said the mama
fishie, swim if you can

♪ And they swam and
they swam all over the dam

(theme music)

(proud orchestral music)