One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 5 - Julie Shows Up: Part 2 - full transcript
Julie shows up on Ann's doorstep announcing that not only is she leaving Max, but that she's pregnant.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah
♪ One time day at a time
- You're absolutely sure
that Max had an affair?
- Well, I couldn't prove
it in a court of law,
but I am absolutely
sure that I had an affair.
- What did Julie tell you?
Wait, don't tell me.
I bet I know.
That, uh, I purposely
schedule flights to exotic places,
that I'm gone three
or four days at time,
and then she's suspicious
when I come home tired.
She's so jealous
and for nothing.
I am not fooling around.
- Hi, is Max ready?
- Who's she?
- Oh, she's giving me
a ride to the airport.
She's on the flight
back to Houston.
- Uh, I think I'll
wait out front.
- Well, Max don't let
her leave by herself.
I mean, you might
as well go with her.
You might get an
opportunity in the elevator.
- I thought you finally grew up.
- I've grown up all right.
You're not the only
one who's had a lover.
(audience laughter and groaning)
Hurts doesn't it.
- Hi Francine, look
I'm gonna be a little late
getting into the
office this morning.
Yeah, well look I'm sorry,
something came up, OK?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bye bye.
(phone slams)
Julie and Max are
in such a mess.
But they're gonna
straighten it out.
They will.
- Do you really believe that?
- I'm trying to.
- How could Julie
do a thing like that?
She's married!
You just don't fool
around with another man.
It's against everything
family stands for.
It's against everything
we've been taught.
I mean, if everybody...
- Oh, shut up.
(audience laughter)
- You mean, you condone it?
- I don't know what to do.
I'm trying to think
constructively.
- Mom, she's wrong.
- Great! She's wrong!
What the hell good
does that attitude do?
- Don't get mad at me.
I'm your pure daughter.
(audience laughter)
Shy, frustrated,
stupid and pure.
(audience laughter)
- You forgot short and wimpy.
(audience laughter)
Sorry.
- I don't know how
to deal with this either.
I can't believe my own sister
would sleep with
some strange man.
I mean... (door slams)
- Forgot my homework.
Be the one time I get it done
I sure don't want to forget it.
Are you guys
meditating or something?
(audience laughter)
Uh, Alex, go get your homework.
- Right, homework, right.
What strange man?
- Alex.
- Did you see that
gorgeous blonde that he...
- Does it suddenly seem
very quiet in here to you?
(audience laughter)
- Alex, get.
- I can't believe
that blonde amazon
that my husband left with.
I have to put up
with that all the time.
Maybe I won't have to anymore.
Max is gone.
That was the dumbest
thing I ever did
telling him about my affair.
- Telling him about
your affair, yeah.
Having it wasn't
a stroke of genius.
(audience laughter)
- Mom, you don't
know what it's like.
- At 200 flights a year,
that means last year
Max had 1,600 stewardesses.
- Had 1,600 stewardesses?
- On his flights.
- You counted stewardesses?
- Well, what else
am I supposed to do
when I'm home alone.
- Except get into
bed with Harvey.
- Harold.
(audience laughter)
And that was a cheap shot.
- It was a cheap act.
- Now look...
(audience laughter)
- Got my homework.
I'm gonna be going now.
- Now look Julie,
your husband of all...
(audience laughter)
- All right listen,
the both of you,
I think it's terr... Alex!
- Right, right!
In was in, but I'm out,
don't worry about it.
I'm out. (door slams)
- OK, now, where were we?
(audience laughter)
- Hear anything good?
- No!
No, no not in there?
No.
No, not in there.
See, I, I, I was just...
- Getting caught?
- Yeah.
- We have strict
rules in this building
about the rights
of privacy of others.
- Sorry.
- Besides, cupping
your ear against the door
ain't gonna do it.
Stand aside.
(audience laughter)
What you need, is the
Schneider counter intelligence kit.
(audience laughter)
Like this.
- Alex!
- Woah. (audience laughter)
- What were you doing?
- I was just checking to
see if the wood was cured.
Another, another
four or five months.
- Here.
- Thanks.
- Now you see what you did?
- I don't know.
Something weird
is going on in there.
Every time I walk in
the room they clam up.
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know, I think
they're talking about sex.
- Oh, will you stop.
Women don't talk about sex.
They talk about how
much money a guy makes,
what kind of a car is he
driving, is he a doctor, lawyer...
- All I heard was something
about strange man,
a gorgeous blonde
and a cheap act.
(audience laughter)
- That's sex.
(audience laughter)
(audience claps)
You better get to school 14.
- Yeah, I'll see
you later Schneider.
- All right.
Strange man, gorgeous blonde,
cheap act.
I'd pay to see that.
(audience laughter)
- OK, what about a little
thing like marriage vows?
- Would you get off my back.
I lost Max, don't
you have any...
- Didn't you hear enough
outside, Schneider?
- Because of the strain
that everyone herein
is contained under, I
choose to ignore that remark.
- What is it Schneider?
- All right.
I know this is none
of my business...
- [All Women] But?
- I ain't dumb.
I know how the
innocent little wife feels
when hubby strays.
And I saw Max leaving
with miss flight to paradise.
- Schneider.
- Just, let me
finish now, will ya?
I'm trying to ease the
pain for this young lady.
You gotta forgive Max.
- Schneider!
- You gotta understand
the nature of the male beast.
I mean men, you know men,
they ain't strong like women.
They get tempted
and then they fall.
I'm not saying it's right,
but the world kind
of understands.
It's not like when
a woman falls.
You know, that's,
now that's sad, it's
pathetic, it's degrading.
(audience laughter)
- Thank you.
Goodbye.
- I just want you
to know, you know,
that I care, you
know what I mean?
If there's anything
else I can do?
- How about closing
the door behind you?
(audience laughter)
- I can accept that.
(audience laughter)
Damn! (Schneider groans)
(audience laughter)
- I'm gonna have
to live with this
for the rest of my life.
- Yep.
And everybody's gonna blame me.
Nobody is gonna blame Max.
- Maybe Max has
nothing to be blamed for.
- Oh, yes he does;
I know he does.
Are you gonna let
her say that mom?
- Might be true.
- Oh, that's great.
You know if I'd ever
really been accepted
in this family, none of
this would have happened.
- Oh, for heaven's sake Julie.
Why don't you stop blaming
everybody else for your affair.
You blame Max, Barbara, me.
While you're at it, why don't
you blame the President?
- Unless he's cutting
sex out of the budget, too.
(audience laughter)
Sorry.
Julie, I really do care.
Look Max's plane
probably hasn't left yet.
- Right, you could
reach him at the airport.
- Oh mom, I can't call him.
I wouldn't know what to say.
Boy, I have really messed
up my life, haven't I?
- Oh Julie.
I'll tell you something,
if my husband
paraded a bunch of
beautiful women in front of me,
I'd probably blow
his brains out.
- Ah-ha.
You'd rather I murder
him than cheat on him?
(audience laughter)
Mom?
- (chuckling) I don't
think either one
would solve anything.
- Maybe I'll do the dishes.
I don't think I'd screw that up.
- Oh, I'll tell you something,
I kind of miss the good old days
when all Julie here
did was bring home
a drunk as a church project,
protest against (unclear)
and run off with
some guy in a van.
(light audience laughter)
- Mom?
- Huh?
- Am I dull?
(audience laughter)
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- Hi.
- Hi, how was school?
- Yuck. How was work?
- Yuck.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- Who won the
Peloponnesian Wars?
- The Pelops?
(audience laughter)
- Okay, can I ask
you another question?
- [Barbara] Shoot.
- Are Julie and Max
getting a divorce?
- Well, what makes you say that?
- I added up all the
stuff nobody's told me.
- Well, Alex you're wrong.
They're not gonna get a divorce.
They can't be getting a divorce.
- It's been a week
and they haven't
called each other or anything.
- Yeah, well, they're
both very stubborn.
- My folks were OK
when they were still
shouting at each other.
When they stopped,
they got the divorce.
- Well, that's not
gonna happen here.
OK?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna go
down and tell Schneider
there's nothing new going on.
- Wait, a second,
you're spying for him?
- Uh-huh. (audience laughter)
- Why?
- Donuts.
He's got lots of donuts.
(audience laughter)
Oh, you too, huh?
(audience laughter)
- What did you tell him?
- Tell who?
- Schneider.
- I didn't see Schneider.
- Where'd you get the donut?
- I bought it.
(audience laughter)
- Oh.
(audience laughter)
- What?
- Oh, nevermind.
How was your lunch with Julie?
- Uh, it was fine until
she started crying
into they strawberries.
It seems red is
Max's favorite color.
Is she home yet?
- No, I don't
know, I just got in.
I really do feel
sorry for Julie.
She's been so down lately.
- Yeah.
- Hi guys!
Well, how do you like it?
- Wow.
- It's beautiful.
- Do you really like it mom?
(Ann approvingly grunts)
Good, I put it on your charge.
(audience laughter)
- Fine.
- Well, I'll pay you
back or you can
give it to me for Christmas.
Whichever comes first.
(audience laughter)
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Well, aren't we
in a good mood.
- Julie, is the red
for strawberry?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, so you've heard from Max?
- No, but I'm sure I will.
He hasn't phoned yet, has he?
Oh, no it's a little
early anyway.
- New watch.
Kinda big, isn't it?
- I got it for Max.
He's always wanted one.
- Merry Christmas, Max.
(audience laughter)
- Yeah, well, I
guess it's only fair.
I bought Julie the dress.
(audience laughter)
Julie why are you so sure
that Max is gonna call?
- Because he is a
wonderful and forgiving man.
And it's been seven days.
And never, even after
our worst arguments,
has he stayed mad
for over a week.
- Julie, I think
this is a little more
than just a mad.
- But Barbie, you
don't understand.
He's in town.
- He is?
- Yeah, I checked his schedule
and he's working a roundtrip
flight to Indianapolis today.
He landed about
10, 20 minutes ago.
He'll be calling any minute.
He will.
- Uh, Julie look, I don't want
you getting your hopes up
too much, huh?
- Mom, he'll call.
And if he doesn't call,
he'll just come over.
That's why he hasn't called.
You see, he's on
his way over here.
You guys don't have
to look at each other.
He'll be here.
He's gotta be here.
I'm pregnant.
(audience groans)
- You're pregnant?
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
- Are you sure?
- Mom, I am a week late.
And I'm never late.
I'm so regular, Max says
that Greenwich should call me.
(audience laughter)
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
- Oh, what a lousy
time to get pregnant.
- Oh great.
I'm gonna have a baby
and my own mother
doesn't even care.
- Oh no my darling,
I'd love to care.
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
- Who?
Who?
- Max, you dummy. Max.
- Oh.
Well there might just be
some people who'd wonder.
- Well just so some
people don't wonder,
what happened with Harold
happened months ago.
- Hey, I just thought
of something.
I gonna be a grandmother.
I don't have a gray
hair on my head.
That anybody knows about.
(audience laughter)
- Mom, I love you.
- Hey, I just made aunt.
- Yeah!
- Darling, look, listen to me,
maybe you're not pregnant, huh?
You're only a week late
and you are a nervous wreck.
- Mom, I'm pregnant.
Part of me is just so happy.
It's like I've done something
that nobody else in
the world has ever done.
- Please Julie.
(audience laughter)
You've got a husband who
was insensitive to your feelings,
you think he's cheating on you,
you know you've cheated on him
and you're babbling
on about bringing
a baby into this mess.
- Mom, don't you see?
The baby's gonna
change everything.
I'll have someone
love and Max will want
to take care of the both of us.
Except, I can't even tell him.
I mean, I don't want
him coming back to me
just because I'm
going to have a baby.
Why doesn't he call?
- Stop talking, I'm back.
(audience laughter)
- Hi Alex.
- Don't worry, I'm not
going ask any questions.
Wait till you see what
Schneider gave me.
He thought it would
cheer us all up.
For whatever it is
nobody's talking about.
A half dozen weenies on a stick.
(audience laughter)
- That's just what we need.
- Yeah, my favorite food.
- Hey, don't knock it.
It sounds great to me.
- That figures.
(audience laughter)
- It's as if Schneider
knew about the baby.
- Baby? What baby?
- Oh Alex...
- Julie's having a baby?
- We didn't say that.
- Oh, you're having a baby.
- No! (audience laughter)
- Barbara's having a baby?
- Uh...
- Alex, why don't you go
get cleaned up for dinner.
- Get cleaned up for
weenies on a stick?
(audience laughter)
Tell you one thing, somebody
around here is having a baby.
It's not me. (audience laughter)
- Julie, do you still love Max?
- Of course I do.
- Then go fight for him.
- Oh, who am I kidding?
This whole thing is so useless.
I mean, I can't
undo what I've done.
And Max still has his playmates.
Mom, you are right.
I need to raise
my baby in a home
that will give it
love and attention.
Like here with a loving
grandmother and aunt.
(audience laughter)
I mean, I could get a job
and we could turn the alcove
into a nursery.
And I could join
parents without partners.
I better start my
breathing exercises.
(Julie takes deep breaths)
(audience laughter)
- You better go to the
airport and talk to Max.
- No ma'am.
There is no way that
I'm going to butt into this.
(Ann sighs)
- Max, help us settle something.
She says the panhandle
is in Oklahoma.
I say it's in Texas.
- Well, actually there's a
panhandle is Oklahoma,
Texas, West Virginia and Idaho.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And there's a
potholder in Tennessee.
(laughing)
- Hi Max.
- Shorty, what are
you doing here?
- I just came
down to talk to you.
If you can spare the time.
- Well sure.
Excuse me, OK?
Excuse me.
Um, I've got about 30
minutes until my flight.
You want some
coffee or something?
- Sure, that's fine.
- Great, OK.
Julie send you down?
- No.
Max, I hate behaving
like a mother-in-law,
but I really can't stand
this one more minute.
Why don't you talk to her?
- What am I supposed to say?
Glad you found something
to do while I was away?
She's totally
destroyed our marriage.
- Hold on, Max...
- She has!
- Max, let me ask
you a question.
Suppose that Julie had
continued in design school.
- Terrific.
- OK.
And she had designed
a line of men's clothing
using male models.
- Yeah, so?
- Hey knobby knees.
- Hi Gloria.
- Oh, we were in a
hot tub in New Orleans.
(audience laughter)
- Uh huh.
And Julie got to travel to
a lot of interesting places
and spent a lot
of time in hot tubs
with male models
with rippling muscles.
- Ah OK, I get the point.
So, I might be a little jealous.
- I might be a little jealous.
I tell you Max, you
really are a saint.
OK, a little jealous.
Great.
Then Julie could yell at you
for being stupid and childish
for worrying and
wanting to talk about it.
- That's no excuse
to hop in the sack.
- You're right.
You are right, Max.
But you are so damn
stuck in being right
that you don't listen
to what she has to say.
Hey, Max, she's
scared and she's jealous
and it's all real to her.
- Fine, I'm not fooling around.
- Bye knobby knees.
- And I've told her
that 1,000 times.
- And she hasn't
believed it 1,000 times.
- Well, that's dumb and
it's totally unreasonable.
- There you go again!
- There I go what a...
There I go what again?
- Have you understood
a thing I said?
Julie's right, you
just don't listen.
(Ann sighs)
Thanks for coffee.
So long,
knobby knees.
(light audience laughter)
- Oh boy, we've
really hit bottom.
Cold weenies on a stick.
(audience laughter)
Want to try some warm Jello?
(audience laughter)
- All right, I'll take
you all out to dinner,
we'll split the check.
(audience laughter)
- Schneider, we're
just not that hungry.
- Telling you, I
can't believe it.
I'm gonna be a grandfather.
(audience laughter)
- I told you we
shouldn't have told
Schneider about the baby.
- Yeah.
- Little baby, I mean,
that's, that's wonderful.
- Schneider.
- Really, it really is.
I mean, OK, so you've got
a couple of problems now,
but you're gonna
have a little baby.
That's really terrific.
I remember when
Estelle and I split up,
she had a baby, I
didn't know about it
until he was 19 years old.
(audience laughter)
Max is so lucky.
You're gonna tell him, right?
- Maybe it's just
as well Max is gone.
I'll never forget the look in
his eyes when he walked out.
He could have killed me.
(Schneider scoffs)
(doorbell rings)
- I'll get it.
Max?
- Hit the deck!
(audience laughter)
- What's going on?
- I, there it is, the
back of the couch.
(audience laughter)
- Alex, take these guys
out for a hamburger, OK?
- No, it's OK, we just
had some weenie's...
- No, that's a great idea.
- We had some Jello.
- I like that idea.
We're very hungry and
Schneider wants to come with us
and so do you.
- I thought he had a
gun, I swear to God.
(audience laughter and applause)
- I've missed you a lot.
- Me too.
- Can you forgive me?
- I don't know.
- Oh, Max.
I feel so wrong.
I feel so guilty.
If I could just turn time back.
- You can't.
At least I can't.
As long s I live, I'll
never forget what you did.
- Then it's hopeless.
- If I thought it was
hopeless, I wouldn't be here.
- Oh Max!
- Just a second now Julie.
It's not that easy.
I don't think I can
just kiss and make up.
- I'm willing to do anything.
- So am I.
- We could go for counseling.
- OK.
I could bid some
shorter flights.
Be home more at night.
Who knows? Maybe I'll
even learn to listen to you.
- I'd love that.
Max, you missed your flight!
- Yeah, well, I told them I
had some problems at home
and that that was a little
more important to me
than my flight.
- But what if you get fired?
- Who cares.
- You oughta care.
I'm gonna have a baby.
- A baby?
- Your baby.
Max, look at me.
Your baby.
- Our baby?
- Yeah.
(audience applause)
(saxophone version
of theme music)
(triumphant pronouncement)
♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah
♪ One time day at a time
- You're absolutely sure
that Max had an affair?
- Well, I couldn't prove
it in a court of law,
but I am absolutely
sure that I had an affair.
- What did Julie tell you?
Wait, don't tell me.
I bet I know.
That, uh, I purposely
schedule flights to exotic places,
that I'm gone three
or four days at time,
and then she's suspicious
when I come home tired.
She's so jealous
and for nothing.
I am not fooling around.
- Hi, is Max ready?
- Who's she?
- Oh, she's giving me
a ride to the airport.
She's on the flight
back to Houston.
- Uh, I think I'll
wait out front.
- Well, Max don't let
her leave by herself.
I mean, you might
as well go with her.
You might get an
opportunity in the elevator.
- I thought you finally grew up.
- I've grown up all right.
You're not the only
one who's had a lover.
(audience laughter and groaning)
Hurts doesn't it.
- Hi Francine, look
I'm gonna be a little late
getting into the
office this morning.
Yeah, well look I'm sorry,
something came up, OK?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bye bye.
(phone slams)
Julie and Max are
in such a mess.
But they're gonna
straighten it out.
They will.
- Do you really believe that?
- I'm trying to.
- How could Julie
do a thing like that?
She's married!
You just don't fool
around with another man.
It's against everything
family stands for.
It's against everything
we've been taught.
I mean, if everybody...
- Oh, shut up.
(audience laughter)
- You mean, you condone it?
- I don't know what to do.
I'm trying to think
constructively.
- Mom, she's wrong.
- Great! She's wrong!
What the hell good
does that attitude do?
- Don't get mad at me.
I'm your pure daughter.
(audience laughter)
Shy, frustrated,
stupid and pure.
(audience laughter)
- You forgot short and wimpy.
(audience laughter)
Sorry.
- I don't know how
to deal with this either.
I can't believe my own sister
would sleep with
some strange man.
I mean... (door slams)
- Forgot my homework.
Be the one time I get it done
I sure don't want to forget it.
Are you guys
meditating or something?
(audience laughter)
Uh, Alex, go get your homework.
- Right, homework, right.
What strange man?
- Alex.
- Did you see that
gorgeous blonde that he...
- Does it suddenly seem
very quiet in here to you?
(audience laughter)
- Alex, get.
- I can't believe
that blonde amazon
that my husband left with.
I have to put up
with that all the time.
Maybe I won't have to anymore.
Max is gone.
That was the dumbest
thing I ever did
telling him about my affair.
- Telling him about
your affair, yeah.
Having it wasn't
a stroke of genius.
(audience laughter)
- Mom, you don't
know what it's like.
- At 200 flights a year,
that means last year
Max had 1,600 stewardesses.
- Had 1,600 stewardesses?
- On his flights.
- You counted stewardesses?
- Well, what else
am I supposed to do
when I'm home alone.
- Except get into
bed with Harvey.
- Harold.
(audience laughter)
And that was a cheap shot.
- It was a cheap act.
- Now look...
(audience laughter)
- Got my homework.
I'm gonna be going now.
- Now look Julie,
your husband of all...
(audience laughter)
- All right listen,
the both of you,
I think it's terr... Alex!
- Right, right!
In was in, but I'm out,
don't worry about it.
I'm out. (door slams)
- OK, now, where were we?
(audience laughter)
- Hear anything good?
- No!
No, no not in there?
No.
No, not in there.
See, I, I, I was just...
- Getting caught?
- Yeah.
- We have strict
rules in this building
about the rights
of privacy of others.
- Sorry.
- Besides, cupping
your ear against the door
ain't gonna do it.
Stand aside.
(audience laughter)
What you need, is the
Schneider counter intelligence kit.
(audience laughter)
Like this.
- Alex!
- Woah. (audience laughter)
- What were you doing?
- I was just checking to
see if the wood was cured.
Another, another
four or five months.
- Here.
- Thanks.
- Now you see what you did?
- I don't know.
Something weird
is going on in there.
Every time I walk in
the room they clam up.
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know, I think
they're talking about sex.
- Oh, will you stop.
Women don't talk about sex.
They talk about how
much money a guy makes,
what kind of a car is he
driving, is he a doctor, lawyer...
- All I heard was something
about strange man,
a gorgeous blonde
and a cheap act.
(audience laughter)
- That's sex.
(audience laughter)
(audience claps)
You better get to school 14.
- Yeah, I'll see
you later Schneider.
- All right.
Strange man, gorgeous blonde,
cheap act.
I'd pay to see that.
(audience laughter)
- OK, what about a little
thing like marriage vows?
- Would you get off my back.
I lost Max, don't
you have any...
- Didn't you hear enough
outside, Schneider?
- Because of the strain
that everyone herein
is contained under, I
choose to ignore that remark.
- What is it Schneider?
- All right.
I know this is none
of my business...
- [All Women] But?
- I ain't dumb.
I know how the
innocent little wife feels
when hubby strays.
And I saw Max leaving
with miss flight to paradise.
- Schneider.
- Just, let me
finish now, will ya?
I'm trying to ease the
pain for this young lady.
You gotta forgive Max.
- Schneider!
- You gotta understand
the nature of the male beast.
I mean men, you know men,
they ain't strong like women.
They get tempted
and then they fall.
I'm not saying it's right,
but the world kind
of understands.
It's not like when
a woman falls.
You know, that's,
now that's sad, it's
pathetic, it's degrading.
(audience laughter)
- Thank you.
Goodbye.
- I just want you
to know, you know,
that I care, you
know what I mean?
If there's anything
else I can do?
- How about closing
the door behind you?
(audience laughter)
- I can accept that.
(audience laughter)
Damn! (Schneider groans)
(audience laughter)
- I'm gonna have
to live with this
for the rest of my life.
- Yep.
And everybody's gonna blame me.
Nobody is gonna blame Max.
- Maybe Max has
nothing to be blamed for.
- Oh, yes he does;
I know he does.
Are you gonna let
her say that mom?
- Might be true.
- Oh, that's great.
You know if I'd ever
really been accepted
in this family, none of
this would have happened.
- Oh, for heaven's sake Julie.
Why don't you stop blaming
everybody else for your affair.
You blame Max, Barbara, me.
While you're at it, why don't
you blame the President?
- Unless he's cutting
sex out of the budget, too.
(audience laughter)
Sorry.
Julie, I really do care.
Look Max's plane
probably hasn't left yet.
- Right, you could
reach him at the airport.
- Oh mom, I can't call him.
I wouldn't know what to say.
Boy, I have really messed
up my life, haven't I?
- Oh Julie.
I'll tell you something,
if my husband
paraded a bunch of
beautiful women in front of me,
I'd probably blow
his brains out.
- Ah-ha.
You'd rather I murder
him than cheat on him?
(audience laughter)
Mom?
- (chuckling) I don't
think either one
would solve anything.
- Maybe I'll do the dishes.
I don't think I'd screw that up.
- Oh, I'll tell you something,
I kind of miss the good old days
when all Julie here
did was bring home
a drunk as a church project,
protest against (unclear)
and run off with
some guy in a van.
(light audience laughter)
- Mom?
- Huh?
- Am I dull?
(audience laughter)
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- Hi.
- Hi, how was school?
- Yuck. How was work?
- Yuck.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- Who won the
Peloponnesian Wars?
- The Pelops?
(audience laughter)
- Okay, can I ask
you another question?
- [Barbara] Shoot.
- Are Julie and Max
getting a divorce?
- Well, what makes you say that?
- I added up all the
stuff nobody's told me.
- Well, Alex you're wrong.
They're not gonna get a divorce.
They can't be getting a divorce.
- It's been a week
and they haven't
called each other or anything.
- Yeah, well, they're
both very stubborn.
- My folks were OK
when they were still
shouting at each other.
When they stopped,
they got the divorce.
- Well, that's not
gonna happen here.
OK?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna go
down and tell Schneider
there's nothing new going on.
- Wait, a second,
you're spying for him?
- Uh-huh. (audience laughter)
- Why?
- Donuts.
He's got lots of donuts.
(audience laughter)
Oh, you too, huh?
(audience laughter)
- What did you tell him?
- Tell who?
- Schneider.
- I didn't see Schneider.
- Where'd you get the donut?
- I bought it.
(audience laughter)
- Oh.
(audience laughter)
- What?
- Oh, nevermind.
How was your lunch with Julie?
- Uh, it was fine until
she started crying
into they strawberries.
It seems red is
Max's favorite color.
Is she home yet?
- No, I don't
know, I just got in.
I really do feel
sorry for Julie.
She's been so down lately.
- Yeah.
- Hi guys!
Well, how do you like it?
- Wow.
- It's beautiful.
- Do you really like it mom?
(Ann approvingly grunts)
Good, I put it on your charge.
(audience laughter)
- Fine.
- Well, I'll pay you
back or you can
give it to me for Christmas.
Whichever comes first.
(audience laughter)
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Well, aren't we
in a good mood.
- Julie, is the red
for strawberry?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, so you've heard from Max?
- No, but I'm sure I will.
He hasn't phoned yet, has he?
Oh, no it's a little
early anyway.
- New watch.
Kinda big, isn't it?
- I got it for Max.
He's always wanted one.
- Merry Christmas, Max.
(audience laughter)
- Yeah, well, I
guess it's only fair.
I bought Julie the dress.
(audience laughter)
Julie why are you so sure
that Max is gonna call?
- Because he is a
wonderful and forgiving man.
And it's been seven days.
And never, even after
our worst arguments,
has he stayed mad
for over a week.
- Julie, I think
this is a little more
than just a mad.
- But Barbie, you
don't understand.
He's in town.
- He is?
- Yeah, I checked his schedule
and he's working a roundtrip
flight to Indianapolis today.
He landed about
10, 20 minutes ago.
He'll be calling any minute.
He will.
- Uh, Julie look, I don't want
you getting your hopes up
too much, huh?
- Mom, he'll call.
And if he doesn't call,
he'll just come over.
That's why he hasn't called.
You see, he's on
his way over here.
You guys don't have
to look at each other.
He'll be here.
He's gotta be here.
I'm pregnant.
(audience groans)
- You're pregnant?
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
- Are you sure?
- Mom, I am a week late.
And I'm never late.
I'm so regular, Max says
that Greenwich should call me.
(audience laughter)
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
- Oh, what a lousy
time to get pregnant.
- Oh great.
I'm gonna have a baby
and my own mother
doesn't even care.
- Oh no my darling,
I'd love to care.
(Barbara tries to speak)
(audience laughter)
- Who?
Who?
- Max, you dummy. Max.
- Oh.
Well there might just be
some people who'd wonder.
- Well just so some
people don't wonder,
what happened with Harold
happened months ago.
- Hey, I just thought
of something.
I gonna be a grandmother.
I don't have a gray
hair on my head.
That anybody knows about.
(audience laughter)
- Mom, I love you.
- Hey, I just made aunt.
- Yeah!
- Darling, look, listen to me,
maybe you're not pregnant, huh?
You're only a week late
and you are a nervous wreck.
- Mom, I'm pregnant.
Part of me is just so happy.
It's like I've done something
that nobody else in
the world has ever done.
- Please Julie.
(audience laughter)
You've got a husband who
was insensitive to your feelings,
you think he's cheating on you,
you know you've cheated on him
and you're babbling
on about bringing
a baby into this mess.
- Mom, don't you see?
The baby's gonna
change everything.
I'll have someone
love and Max will want
to take care of the both of us.
Except, I can't even tell him.
I mean, I don't want
him coming back to me
just because I'm
going to have a baby.
Why doesn't he call?
- Stop talking, I'm back.
(audience laughter)
- Hi Alex.
- Don't worry, I'm not
going ask any questions.
Wait till you see what
Schneider gave me.
He thought it would
cheer us all up.
For whatever it is
nobody's talking about.
A half dozen weenies on a stick.
(audience laughter)
- That's just what we need.
- Yeah, my favorite food.
- Hey, don't knock it.
It sounds great to me.
- That figures.
(audience laughter)
- It's as if Schneider
knew about the baby.
- Baby? What baby?
- Oh Alex...
- Julie's having a baby?
- We didn't say that.
- Oh, you're having a baby.
- No! (audience laughter)
- Barbara's having a baby?
- Uh...
- Alex, why don't you go
get cleaned up for dinner.
- Get cleaned up for
weenies on a stick?
(audience laughter)
Tell you one thing, somebody
around here is having a baby.
It's not me. (audience laughter)
- Julie, do you still love Max?
- Of course I do.
- Then go fight for him.
- Oh, who am I kidding?
This whole thing is so useless.
I mean, I can't
undo what I've done.
And Max still has his playmates.
Mom, you are right.
I need to raise
my baby in a home
that will give it
love and attention.
Like here with a loving
grandmother and aunt.
(audience laughter)
I mean, I could get a job
and we could turn the alcove
into a nursery.
And I could join
parents without partners.
I better start my
breathing exercises.
(Julie takes deep breaths)
(audience laughter)
- You better go to the
airport and talk to Max.
- No ma'am.
There is no way that
I'm going to butt into this.
(Ann sighs)
- Max, help us settle something.
She says the panhandle
is in Oklahoma.
I say it's in Texas.
- Well, actually there's a
panhandle is Oklahoma,
Texas, West Virginia and Idaho.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And there's a
potholder in Tennessee.
(laughing)
- Hi Max.
- Shorty, what are
you doing here?
- I just came
down to talk to you.
If you can spare the time.
- Well sure.
Excuse me, OK?
Excuse me.
Um, I've got about 30
minutes until my flight.
You want some
coffee or something?
- Sure, that's fine.
- Great, OK.
Julie send you down?
- No.
Max, I hate behaving
like a mother-in-law,
but I really can't stand
this one more minute.
Why don't you talk to her?
- What am I supposed to say?
Glad you found something
to do while I was away?
She's totally
destroyed our marriage.
- Hold on, Max...
- She has!
- Max, let me ask
you a question.
Suppose that Julie had
continued in design school.
- Terrific.
- OK.
And she had designed
a line of men's clothing
using male models.
- Yeah, so?
- Hey knobby knees.
- Hi Gloria.
- Oh, we were in a
hot tub in New Orleans.
(audience laughter)
- Uh huh.
And Julie got to travel to
a lot of interesting places
and spent a lot
of time in hot tubs
with male models
with rippling muscles.
- Ah OK, I get the point.
So, I might be a little jealous.
- I might be a little jealous.
I tell you Max, you
really are a saint.
OK, a little jealous.
Great.
Then Julie could yell at you
for being stupid and childish
for worrying and
wanting to talk about it.
- That's no excuse
to hop in the sack.
- You're right.
You are right, Max.
But you are so damn
stuck in being right
that you don't listen
to what she has to say.
Hey, Max, she's
scared and she's jealous
and it's all real to her.
- Fine, I'm not fooling around.
- Bye knobby knees.
- And I've told her
that 1,000 times.
- And she hasn't
believed it 1,000 times.
- Well, that's dumb and
it's totally unreasonable.
- There you go again!
- There I go what a...
There I go what again?
- Have you understood
a thing I said?
Julie's right, you
just don't listen.
(Ann sighs)
Thanks for coffee.
So long,
knobby knees.
(light audience laughter)
- Oh boy, we've
really hit bottom.
Cold weenies on a stick.
(audience laughter)
Want to try some warm Jello?
(audience laughter)
- All right, I'll take
you all out to dinner,
we'll split the check.
(audience laughter)
- Schneider, we're
just not that hungry.
- Telling you, I
can't believe it.
I'm gonna be a grandfather.
(audience laughter)
- I told you we
shouldn't have told
Schneider about the baby.
- Yeah.
- Little baby, I mean,
that's, that's wonderful.
- Schneider.
- Really, it really is.
I mean, OK, so you've got
a couple of problems now,
but you're gonna
have a little baby.
That's really terrific.
I remember when
Estelle and I split up,
she had a baby, I
didn't know about it
until he was 19 years old.
(audience laughter)
Max is so lucky.
You're gonna tell him, right?
- Maybe it's just
as well Max is gone.
I'll never forget the look in
his eyes when he walked out.
He could have killed me.
(Schneider scoffs)
(doorbell rings)
- I'll get it.
Max?
- Hit the deck!
(audience laughter)
- What's going on?
- I, there it is, the
back of the couch.
(audience laughter)
- Alex, take these guys
out for a hamburger, OK?
- No, it's OK, we just
had some weenie's...
- No, that's a great idea.
- We had some Jello.
- I like that idea.
We're very hungry and
Schneider wants to come with us
and so do you.
- I thought he had a
gun, I swear to God.
(audience laughter and applause)
- I've missed you a lot.
- Me too.
- Can you forgive me?
- I don't know.
- Oh, Max.
I feel so wrong.
I feel so guilty.
If I could just turn time back.
- You can't.
At least I can't.
As long s I live, I'll
never forget what you did.
- Then it's hopeless.
- If I thought it was
hopeless, I wouldn't be here.
- Oh Max!
- Just a second now Julie.
It's not that easy.
I don't think I can
just kiss and make up.
- I'm willing to do anything.
- So am I.
- We could go for counseling.
- OK.
I could bid some
shorter flights.
Be home more at night.
Who knows? Maybe I'll
even learn to listen to you.
- I'd love that.
Max, you missed your flight!
- Yeah, well, I told them I
had some problems at home
and that that was a little
more important to me
than my flight.
- But what if you get fired?
- Who cares.
- You oughta care.
I'm gonna have a baby.
- A baby?
- Your baby.
Max, look at me.
Your baby.
- Our baby?
- Yeah.
(audience applause)
(saxophone version
of theme music)
(triumphant pronouncement)