One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 4 - Julie Shows Up: Part 1 - full transcript
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Here they come.
- All right, act nonchalant.
- Well, what do we have here?
- Looks like two guys
trying to act nonchalant.
(audience laughs)
- I think she's onto us.
- You're never gonna
guess whose inside.
- Schneider.
- Guess again.
(audience laughs)
- [Both] Julie's here, Julie!
(squealing)
- It's so good to see you!
(audience clapping)
- It sure is nice.
Well you know,
you met Alex, right?
- Boy did she.
- Well Ma, I thought it was you
when I whipped out the
shower surtain and said, surprise!
- That's the last time I'm
taking a shower naked.
(audience laughs)
- Did you fly in with Max?
- No.
- Oh, you came to
surprise us, that's terrific.
Can you stay a few days?
- Maybe longer?
(audience laughs)
- Great!
How long?
(audience laughs)
- Maybe forever?
- Schneider, do
you mind if I tell it?
- Julie, what happened?
- She and Max had a big fight.
- Really?
Well what about?
- I don't know,
that's as far as I got.
- Schneider!
Mom, look, it's
no big deal, okay?
- No big deal, huh?
You pack up everything you
own, you come back to your mom,
it's no big deal?
All right, come on.
Everybody on the couch,
we're gonna get
to the better of this.
Oh yeah, ix-nay on the id-kay.
Well, you know, little
pots have big ears.
Come on Alex, why don't
you buy me a root beer?
When I come back
give me the whole story.
- I hope everything's
okay, Julie.
- Thanks, Alex.
- You know, my
wife left me once.
- Oh yeah?
How long did she stay away?
- About 24 years so far.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Julie, you
gonna tell us about it?
- I don't think so Mom, not yet.
- You came one thousand miles
and you don't
wanna talk about it?
- Hey come on Julie,
I wanna know too,
you wanna spill the beans?
- Hey, don't worry,
it'll all work out.
He'll get the car and I'll
get the sofa and dinette set
and I'll have them shipped
here next week, okay?
- Julie, you're not
talking about leaving him
over some dumb little argument?
- Who said it was a
dumb little argument?
It's over!
Max and I have had it.
- Oh come on!
Your father and I must have
said that a hundred times
before we got the divorce!
(audience laughs)
Julie, it is no
secret in this family
that you have been
known to be a bit impulsive.
- That's right, take his side.
- Oh come on, Julie,
we don't even know
what the sides are yet.
Can you tell us what happened?
- Yeah, was it money,
his job, in-laws, sex?
- Is he flying too
much with the airlines?
Are you getting lonely in Texas?
- You've got no
common interests.
- He wants you
to be a housewife,
and you don't wanna
be a housewife.
- Well?
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah?
- All of them?
- You got it.
Have you ever known
me to do anything halfway?
Oh Mom, you were so right.
We didn't know each other.
Mom, I miss you.
I miss my home.
I just want things to be
the way they used to be.
- Julie, I don't think
this is gonna work.
- You're right.
Nothing is gonna work.
- Oh sis, come on, cheer up!
- How can I when Max is
sleeping with another woman?
- Julie.
Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
- Do you know her name?
- Sally, Joan,
Paula, Ruth, Diane.
(audience laughs)
- Are we talking about
Max or Schneider?
(audience laughs)
- I'm talking about the
stewardesses he works with.
I know he must be sleeping
with at least one of them.
- Have you asked Max about this?
- Over and over again.
He just keeps denying
it, he says I'm being silly.
He has the gall to claim
that he doesn't even
notice those girls any more.
Have you ever seen
Texas stewardesses?
One of them was the
Playboy centerfold in May.
They had to
continue her in June.
(audience laughs)
(audience clapping)
- Okay.
Okay Julie, let's just
for a minute assume
that this is true.
- It is true!
- I find that so
difficult to believe.
Max is nuts about you!
- Mom, I don't think
you understand.
It's over, we've had it.
I never want to see
Max again, I hate him.
(phone ringing)
Max?
Oh, just a minute.
It's for you.
- Hello?
Oh hi Jack, listen, can
I call you back later?
Okay thanks, bye.
- For a woman who
hates somebody,
you certainly grabbed
that phone pretty fast.
- Okay, okay, I still love him.
But I don't trust him,
and without trust,
love doesn't mean very much.
I'm gonna take a hot bath.
- Does Max know you're here?
- He oughta be
able to figure it out.
Where else can I live free?
(audience laughs)
Oh, by the way, I
would appreciate it
if you guys wouldn't
tell anybody about this.
- Not even Schneider?
- No, not even Schneider.
- Oh boy.
Everything changes, doesn't it?
- Well, (chuckling)
no, not everything.
We're still picking up.
- [Both] After Julie.
(laughing)
- Does she always take
this long in the bathroom?
- Consider yourself lucky,
she used to do her
homework in there.
- I'm going to bed.
- No Alex, wait a minute,
you didn't brush your teeth.
- I'll brush 'em twice
tomorrow night, okay?
- No!
Barbara, would you get
the blankets for Julie?
- Does this mean I'll
lose my place in line?
- Probably.
(audience laughs)
- Hi there Miss Romano.
- Hi Schneider.
- Where's Julie?
- Bathroom.
- All right, let me have it.
- Have what?
- The lowdown, the scoop!
What's going on
between Max and Julie?
- I can't tell you.
- Oh come on, what could it be?
I run the gamut!
War and peace, life
and death, sex, huh?
(audience laughs)
- Julie asked us not to
tell anybody, not even you.
- When are you gonna
learn Miss Romano,
you put a secret in this head
it's like burying it in
a block of concrete!
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, I do realize
that, Schneider.
But I do think we have to
respect Julie's wishes, huh?
Okay?
- Yeah, okay, we gotta
give her a little space.
- Mom, I can't find the pillow.
Can you please
go look for it for me?
- Does this mean I
lose my place in line?
- Probably.
- Uh huh.
- Whoa, boy.
(audience laughs)
- What's the matter
with you, Schneider?
- I can't believe that
Max would do this to Julie.
- Mom told you?
- I'm one of the family.
- Yeah, guess so.
I just found the
whole thing very tacky.
- Tacky?
Oh yeah, it certainly
is tacky, it's tacky.
Talk about tacky, that's tacky!
If I had to put it in one word,
the one word that really
wraps it up would be.
- Infidelity.
(gasps)
Mom, I'm really surprised
you told Schneider.
- I didn't.
- Geez.
I mean, I can't believe that
Max would do this to Julie.
After all, I mean, I've
hankied a little, pankied a little.
When I was married, I never
touched another woman.
- You were married for one week.
- Never said it was easy.
(audience laughs)
Well so,
is he coming up here?
- No, no, Julie doesn't
want to talk to him.
- They're not getting together?
Now that's a big
mistake, that's a mistake!
- Schneider, would you
keep out of this please?
- Miss Romano, please.
I am a man, I know
about infidelity.
In my time, I'm aided and
abetted quite a few infidels.
(audience laughs)
And there's not one
of their marriages
that couldn't have been saved
with a little more
communication with the infidel-ee.
- You know Mom, it
couldn't hurt to call Max
and tell him Julie's here.
I mean they're both so stubborn,
somebody's gotta do something.
- Okay, all right.
At least he deserves
to know where she is.
- That's right.
- Right?
Okay.
No, I can't.
- Yes.
- Barbara.
- You can.
Look, if a woman
answers, hang up.
(audience laughs)
- See the thing is,
I'll be getting between
the two of them.
That's called
meddling and I never,
hi Max, hi!
It's Ann here.
Not Ann from flight 212.
This is your
mother-in-law, shorty Ann.
Right.
Max, I just thought
you oughta know
that Julie's here.
Uh, well that's
entirely up to you.
Okay fine.
Uh huh.
I'll tell Julie.
Bye.
- Tell me what?
- I called Max, he's coming
up tomorrow afternoon.
- Oh Mom!
Now he's gonna come here
just because you asked him to.
What's that gonna prove?
Look Ma, if you don't watch it
I'm gonna get a place of my own.
(audience laughs)
- Gotta admit, it's
been dull without her.
- I'll go talk to her.
It's probably my bed
she jumped into anyway.
- Okay.
Oh Schneider, excuse
me, the bathroom's free.
(audience laughs)
- Julie.
- Barbara, why did she call him?
Why does he have to come here?
- Look, nobody's
trying to butt in.
We just hate to see
you looking so unhappy.
We just think you
should talk to him.
- I can't talk to him Barbara.
Every time I try to
tell him my feelings,
he just tells me I'm being dumb.
- You know you're not
gonna be very happy
unless you give
this a real chance.
- I can't Barbara,
he cheated on me.
- Are you positive?
- Yes.
- You're absolutely sure
that Max had an affair.
- Well, I couldn't prove
it in a court of law.
But I am absolutely
sure that I had an affair.
- Julie.
- Oh Mom.
I didn't want you to know.
- I can imagine.
- Do you hate me?
- I will never, ever
understand you.
- Julie, how could you?
Does Max know?
- No.
It was months ago.
Max is never home.
I asked him not to work
so many flights in a row.
Anyway, this nice guy
who lives in the building
was taking the
garbage out, Harold.
- Harold?
- Don't be fooled by the name.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, do you still see him?
- No, and I don't want to.
It only happened once.
I love Max.
But I guess I just
wanted to hurt him.
I guess I was just lonely.
- You guess you just
wanted to hurt him?
You guess you were just lonely?
Dear Lord, Julie,
you got married,
you didn't make a
date for the prom!
- I know that Mom, would
you give me a break?
- Taking the garbage out?
(audience laughs)
- Barbara.
Now Julie, you tell me
that you have been lonely.
Don't you have any friends?
- Besides, Julie.
- Barbara!
All right, what the hell have
you been doing with your life?
What about your job?
- I quit.
I wanted to be home for Max
on the days he wasn't flying.
- Oh come on, Julie.
You never sat around
and waited for
anybody your entire life!
- Well I've changed!
If Max says, stand on your
head in the closet for two days,
for some reason, I will do it.
- Oh I see, I understand.
Max is the one who forced you
to hit the sack with
that garbageman!
(audience laughs)
- In a way, yes!
Oh Mom, you don't
understand anything.
You don't know how I feel!
All those women.
I am so sick of hearing
how smart Peggy is
or what a great buddy Paula is,
or how well Joan
plays the guitar.
It's like I have to compete with
each and every one of them.
I can't win, Mom.
Even when we're making love
I wonder which one
he's comparing me to.
- Oh, Julie.
- Please, Mom.
Understand.
Even a little.
I didn't plan to have an affair.
I didn't want it to happen.
It just did.
I hurt.
I'm bare.
And I'm scared to death.
(whistling)
(audience laughs)
- Hey Schneider, how you doing?
- Apparently not
as well as you are!
- What?
- I heard of the
seven-year itch,
but you're starting to
scratch a little early, no?
- What are you talking about?
- Come on, I'm been
up the air in planes!
I've seen those hors d'oeuvres
running up and down the aisles.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I get it.
Now everybody's in
on the argument, right?
- Here's a little advice
for you, okay kid?
- All right, let's have it.
- Marriage is a very
sacred, sanctimonious state.
When when the
rooster gets married,
he locks up the henhouse
and he throws away
the cock-a-doodle-doo.
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
(doorbell ringing)
Hey shorty.
- Hi, Max.
- How you doing?
- All right.
- Hi Barbara.
- Hi Max,
let me take that for you.
- Oh, thanks.
- Hello Max.
- Hey, big mouth.
- Well, who's new?
- Julie.
- Don't start.
- Oh Max, I'm sorry,
I meant, what's new?
- I know what you meant.
- I'll just bet you do.
How are things on orgy airlines?
- Julie!
- You wanna know?
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll tell you.
I flew up here on a
stewardess training flight.
92 blondes, 14 cases
of champagne, and me.
Halfway here I had
to go on oxygen.
- Well, thank God,
I'm safe tonight.
- You bet you are!
- Well, we got 'em together.
- Yeah.
Which one do you want?
- I'll take Max.
- Got it.
- All right, just don't
yell at me, okay?
I know it runs in your family.
- Okay.
(clapping)
How was your ride
in from the airport?
- Nice try.
Oh shorty, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to come
in here and start a fight.
In fact, I don't think I did.
- Hello, big mouth?
- Yeah, but Schneider knows...
- Would you like
something to drink?
- Sure, you got something cold?
- I sure do.
Let's see, we got
some club soda.
- Club soda would be terrific.
So, what did she tell you?
Wait, don't tell
me, I bet I know.
That, uh,
that I purposely schedule
flights to exotic places?
That I'm gone three
or four days at a time?
And then she's suspicious
when I come home tired.
She's so jealous
and for nothing!
I am not fooling around.
You don't believe me, do you?
- I'm gonna get you some lemon.
- Shorty, it's my work!
I can't continuously
schedule short hops
just so I can be home at night.
And hey, you know, every so
often a woman does hit on me.
I don't know, maybe they're
freaky for beards or something.
But the thing is, I wanna
be able to come home
and laugh about it with Julie.
But she gets so jealous.
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe I should
fight fire with fire.
Maybe every time she
mentions a guy in the building,
I should worry about it.
- Maybe you should.
Look, you guys, I
can sleep on the sofa.
Why don't you use my bed?
- Mom, you're a little obvious.
- Yes I know.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- One thing about
this apartment,
once I shut the door to my room
I cannot hear a thing out here!
(audience laughs)
- Mom.
- You know, I was thinking.
I could sleep in here and
you guys could use my bed.
- Say goodnight, Barbara.
- Goodnight, Barbara.
- Night, Max.
- Goodnight, Julie.
- Look, I'll stay out here
if you guys want my bed.
- Where is your bed?
- Through the wall
in the next apartment.
See, the Finnigans
kicked out Mary
and my mom paid to break
down the common wall
and Schneider out
in a door on my end
and a bookshelf
over the other door
but it's still very drafty.
- Alex, that's more than
I really wanted to know
about your bed.
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight Alex.
Turn out the light as you leave.
- Goodnight.
- Are you comfortable enough?
- Yeah I'm fine.
Are you feet warm enough
without your gym socks?
- Yeah, fine.
- Max.
- Julie.
- You go first.
- No no no, you first.
- Well, look, I
have to talk to you.
Real quiet and real serious.
But you go first.
- You know Julie, I
came all the way up here
to tell you that I love you.
- And I love you.
But that doesn't
help much right now.
- You know, I guess
I'm not very good
at letting you know how
much I care about you.
I don't know, maybe I get
too wrapped up in my work.
But if there's any doubt in
your mind that I love you,
really love you,
you're just wrong.
You're the most important
thing in the world to me.
- Oh Max.
- Now what did you want to say?
- We'll talk in the
morning, okay?
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
(laughing)
- Barbara.
Barb, wake up.
We're taking you
up on your offer.
- What?
(audience laughs)
- Take the sofa,
the cot has lumps.
- Thanks sis, goodnight.
- Hope my bed can
stand all the excitement.
(audience laughs)
- Hey Max, want me to
drop you off at the airport?
- No thanks, I've got a ride.
A friend's picking me up.
- Listen, are you sure
you don't want me
to go home with you?
- Well sure, you
can if you want,
but as soon as I hit Houston
I'm going right out on a flight.
I think you oughta
stay here and visit.
I'll see you home
tomorrow night.
- Okay.
- I gotta get ready.
- Oh Max, we still have to talk.
- I know.
- I take it things
went well last night.
- They sure did.
- Did you tell him?
- Ah, what's the point?
I figure everything is
working out okay now.
What's past is past.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
Is Max ready?
- Yeah, uh, he is.
I, I, uh, Max!
Uh, Max.
- Oh hi Kathy.
- Hi Max.
- Come on in.
I'll be ready in just a second.
Did you meet my
mother-in-law, Ann Romano?
Kathy Barlowe.
- Hi.
- Who's she?
- Oh, she's giving me
a ride to the airport.
She's on the flight
back to Houston.
- Oh, so that's why you were
so anxious to get out of here!
- Whoa whoa, what are
you getting so upset about?
She's just somebody I work with.
I thought you understood that.
- Oh Max, I
understand everything.
- No you don't, you don't
understand anything.
It's like last night
never happened.
- Uh, I think I'll
wait out front.
- Well Max, don't let
her leave by herself!
You might as well go with her,
you might get an
opportunity at the elevator.
- Whoa.
I thought you finally grew up.
- I've grown up all right.
You're not the only
one who's had a lover.
Hurts, doesn't it?
- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week
for the conclusion
of Julie Returns.
(audience clapping)
(bright music)
♪ This is life, the one you
get so go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Here they come.
- All right, act nonchalant.
- Well, what do we have here?
- Looks like two guys
trying to act nonchalant.
(audience laughs)
- I think she's onto us.
- You're never gonna
guess whose inside.
- Schneider.
- Guess again.
(audience laughs)
- [Both] Julie's here, Julie!
(squealing)
- It's so good to see you!
(audience clapping)
- It sure is nice.
Well you know,
you met Alex, right?
- Boy did she.
- Well Ma, I thought it was you
when I whipped out the
shower surtain and said, surprise!
- That's the last time I'm
taking a shower naked.
(audience laughs)
- Did you fly in with Max?
- No.
- Oh, you came to
surprise us, that's terrific.
Can you stay a few days?
- Maybe longer?
(audience laughs)
- Great!
How long?
(audience laughs)
- Maybe forever?
- Schneider, do
you mind if I tell it?
- Julie, what happened?
- She and Max had a big fight.
- Really?
Well what about?
- I don't know,
that's as far as I got.
- Schneider!
Mom, look, it's
no big deal, okay?
- No big deal, huh?
You pack up everything you
own, you come back to your mom,
it's no big deal?
All right, come on.
Everybody on the couch,
we're gonna get
to the better of this.
Oh yeah, ix-nay on the id-kay.
Well, you know, little
pots have big ears.
Come on Alex, why don't
you buy me a root beer?
When I come back
give me the whole story.
- I hope everything's
okay, Julie.
- Thanks, Alex.
- You know, my
wife left me once.
- Oh yeah?
How long did she stay away?
- About 24 years so far.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Julie, you
gonna tell us about it?
- I don't think so Mom, not yet.
- You came one thousand miles
and you don't
wanna talk about it?
- Hey come on Julie,
I wanna know too,
you wanna spill the beans?
- Hey, don't worry,
it'll all work out.
He'll get the car and I'll
get the sofa and dinette set
and I'll have them shipped
here next week, okay?
- Julie, you're not
talking about leaving him
over some dumb little argument?
- Who said it was a
dumb little argument?
It's over!
Max and I have had it.
- Oh come on!
Your father and I must have
said that a hundred times
before we got the divorce!
(audience laughs)
Julie, it is no
secret in this family
that you have been
known to be a bit impulsive.
- That's right, take his side.
- Oh come on, Julie,
we don't even know
what the sides are yet.
Can you tell us what happened?
- Yeah, was it money,
his job, in-laws, sex?
- Is he flying too
much with the airlines?
Are you getting lonely in Texas?
- You've got no
common interests.
- He wants you
to be a housewife,
and you don't wanna
be a housewife.
- Well?
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah?
- All of them?
- You got it.
Have you ever known
me to do anything halfway?
Oh Mom, you were so right.
We didn't know each other.
Mom, I miss you.
I miss my home.
I just want things to be
the way they used to be.
- Julie, I don't think
this is gonna work.
- You're right.
Nothing is gonna work.
- Oh sis, come on, cheer up!
- How can I when Max is
sleeping with another woman?
- Julie.
Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
- Do you know her name?
- Sally, Joan,
Paula, Ruth, Diane.
(audience laughs)
- Are we talking about
Max or Schneider?
(audience laughs)
- I'm talking about the
stewardesses he works with.
I know he must be sleeping
with at least one of them.
- Have you asked Max about this?
- Over and over again.
He just keeps denying
it, he says I'm being silly.
He has the gall to claim
that he doesn't even
notice those girls any more.
Have you ever seen
Texas stewardesses?
One of them was the
Playboy centerfold in May.
They had to
continue her in June.
(audience laughs)
(audience clapping)
- Okay.
Okay Julie, let's just
for a minute assume
that this is true.
- It is true!
- I find that so
difficult to believe.
Max is nuts about you!
- Mom, I don't think
you understand.
It's over, we've had it.
I never want to see
Max again, I hate him.
(phone ringing)
Max?
Oh, just a minute.
It's for you.
- Hello?
Oh hi Jack, listen, can
I call you back later?
Okay thanks, bye.
- For a woman who
hates somebody,
you certainly grabbed
that phone pretty fast.
- Okay, okay, I still love him.
But I don't trust him,
and without trust,
love doesn't mean very much.
I'm gonna take a hot bath.
- Does Max know you're here?
- He oughta be
able to figure it out.
Where else can I live free?
(audience laughs)
Oh, by the way, I
would appreciate it
if you guys wouldn't
tell anybody about this.
- Not even Schneider?
- No, not even Schneider.
- Oh boy.
Everything changes, doesn't it?
- Well, (chuckling)
no, not everything.
We're still picking up.
- [Both] After Julie.
(laughing)
- Does she always take
this long in the bathroom?
- Consider yourself lucky,
she used to do her
homework in there.
- I'm going to bed.
- No Alex, wait a minute,
you didn't brush your teeth.
- I'll brush 'em twice
tomorrow night, okay?
- No!
Barbara, would you get
the blankets for Julie?
- Does this mean I'll
lose my place in line?
- Probably.
(audience laughs)
- Hi there Miss Romano.
- Hi Schneider.
- Where's Julie?
- Bathroom.
- All right, let me have it.
- Have what?
- The lowdown, the scoop!
What's going on
between Max and Julie?
- I can't tell you.
- Oh come on, what could it be?
I run the gamut!
War and peace, life
and death, sex, huh?
(audience laughs)
- Julie asked us not to
tell anybody, not even you.
- When are you gonna
learn Miss Romano,
you put a secret in this head
it's like burying it in
a block of concrete!
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, I do realize
that, Schneider.
But I do think we have to
respect Julie's wishes, huh?
Okay?
- Yeah, okay, we gotta
give her a little space.
- Mom, I can't find the pillow.
Can you please
go look for it for me?
- Does this mean I
lose my place in line?
- Probably.
- Uh huh.
- Whoa, boy.
(audience laughs)
- What's the matter
with you, Schneider?
- I can't believe that
Max would do this to Julie.
- Mom told you?
- I'm one of the family.
- Yeah, guess so.
I just found the
whole thing very tacky.
- Tacky?
Oh yeah, it certainly
is tacky, it's tacky.
Talk about tacky, that's tacky!
If I had to put it in one word,
the one word that really
wraps it up would be.
- Infidelity.
(gasps)
Mom, I'm really surprised
you told Schneider.
- I didn't.
- Geez.
I mean, I can't believe that
Max would do this to Julie.
After all, I mean, I've
hankied a little, pankied a little.
When I was married, I never
touched another woman.
- You were married for one week.
- Never said it was easy.
(audience laughs)
Well so,
is he coming up here?
- No, no, Julie doesn't
want to talk to him.
- They're not getting together?
Now that's a big
mistake, that's a mistake!
- Schneider, would you
keep out of this please?
- Miss Romano, please.
I am a man, I know
about infidelity.
In my time, I'm aided and
abetted quite a few infidels.
(audience laughs)
And there's not one
of their marriages
that couldn't have been saved
with a little more
communication with the infidel-ee.
- You know Mom, it
couldn't hurt to call Max
and tell him Julie's here.
I mean they're both so stubborn,
somebody's gotta do something.
- Okay, all right.
At least he deserves
to know where she is.
- That's right.
- Right?
Okay.
No, I can't.
- Yes.
- Barbara.
- You can.
Look, if a woman
answers, hang up.
(audience laughs)
- See the thing is,
I'll be getting between
the two of them.
That's called
meddling and I never,
hi Max, hi!
It's Ann here.
Not Ann from flight 212.
This is your
mother-in-law, shorty Ann.
Right.
Max, I just thought
you oughta know
that Julie's here.
Uh, well that's
entirely up to you.
Okay fine.
Uh huh.
I'll tell Julie.
Bye.
- Tell me what?
- I called Max, he's coming
up tomorrow afternoon.
- Oh Mom!
Now he's gonna come here
just because you asked him to.
What's that gonna prove?
Look Ma, if you don't watch it
I'm gonna get a place of my own.
(audience laughs)
- Gotta admit, it's
been dull without her.
- I'll go talk to her.
It's probably my bed
she jumped into anyway.
- Okay.
Oh Schneider, excuse
me, the bathroom's free.
(audience laughs)
- Julie.
- Barbara, why did she call him?
Why does he have to come here?
- Look, nobody's
trying to butt in.
We just hate to see
you looking so unhappy.
We just think you
should talk to him.
- I can't talk to him Barbara.
Every time I try to
tell him my feelings,
he just tells me I'm being dumb.
- You know you're not
gonna be very happy
unless you give
this a real chance.
- I can't Barbara,
he cheated on me.
- Are you positive?
- Yes.
- You're absolutely sure
that Max had an affair.
- Well, I couldn't prove
it in a court of law.
But I am absolutely
sure that I had an affair.
- Julie.
- Oh Mom.
I didn't want you to know.
- I can imagine.
- Do you hate me?
- I will never, ever
understand you.
- Julie, how could you?
Does Max know?
- No.
It was months ago.
Max is never home.
I asked him not to work
so many flights in a row.
Anyway, this nice guy
who lives in the building
was taking the
garbage out, Harold.
- Harold?
- Don't be fooled by the name.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, do you still see him?
- No, and I don't want to.
It only happened once.
I love Max.
But I guess I just
wanted to hurt him.
I guess I was just lonely.
- You guess you just
wanted to hurt him?
You guess you were just lonely?
Dear Lord, Julie,
you got married,
you didn't make a
date for the prom!
- I know that Mom, would
you give me a break?
- Taking the garbage out?
(audience laughs)
- Barbara.
Now Julie, you tell me
that you have been lonely.
Don't you have any friends?
- Besides, Julie.
- Barbara!
All right, what the hell have
you been doing with your life?
What about your job?
- I quit.
I wanted to be home for Max
on the days he wasn't flying.
- Oh come on, Julie.
You never sat around
and waited for
anybody your entire life!
- Well I've changed!
If Max says, stand on your
head in the closet for two days,
for some reason, I will do it.
- Oh I see, I understand.
Max is the one who forced you
to hit the sack with
that garbageman!
(audience laughs)
- In a way, yes!
Oh Mom, you don't
understand anything.
You don't know how I feel!
All those women.
I am so sick of hearing
how smart Peggy is
or what a great buddy Paula is,
or how well Joan
plays the guitar.
It's like I have to compete with
each and every one of them.
I can't win, Mom.
Even when we're making love
I wonder which one
he's comparing me to.
- Oh, Julie.
- Please, Mom.
Understand.
Even a little.
I didn't plan to have an affair.
I didn't want it to happen.
It just did.
I hurt.
I'm bare.
And I'm scared to death.
(whistling)
(audience laughs)
- Hey Schneider, how you doing?
- Apparently not
as well as you are!
- What?
- I heard of the
seven-year itch,
but you're starting to
scratch a little early, no?
- What are you talking about?
- Come on, I'm been
up the air in planes!
I've seen those hors d'oeuvres
running up and down the aisles.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I get it.
Now everybody's in
on the argument, right?
- Here's a little advice
for you, okay kid?
- All right, let's have it.
- Marriage is a very
sacred, sanctimonious state.
When when the
rooster gets married,
he locks up the henhouse
and he throws away
the cock-a-doodle-doo.
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
(doorbell ringing)
Hey shorty.
- Hi, Max.
- How you doing?
- All right.
- Hi Barbara.
- Hi Max,
let me take that for you.
- Oh, thanks.
- Hello Max.
- Hey, big mouth.
- Well, who's new?
- Julie.
- Don't start.
- Oh Max, I'm sorry,
I meant, what's new?
- I know what you meant.
- I'll just bet you do.
How are things on orgy airlines?
- Julie!
- You wanna know?
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll tell you.
I flew up here on a
stewardess training flight.
92 blondes, 14 cases
of champagne, and me.
Halfway here I had
to go on oxygen.
- Well, thank God,
I'm safe tonight.
- You bet you are!
- Well, we got 'em together.
- Yeah.
Which one do you want?
- I'll take Max.
- Got it.
- All right, just don't
yell at me, okay?
I know it runs in your family.
- Okay.
(clapping)
How was your ride
in from the airport?
- Nice try.
Oh shorty, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to come
in here and start a fight.
In fact, I don't think I did.
- Hello, big mouth?
- Yeah, but Schneider knows...
- Would you like
something to drink?
- Sure, you got something cold?
- I sure do.
Let's see, we got
some club soda.
- Club soda would be terrific.
So, what did she tell you?
Wait, don't tell
me, I bet I know.
That, uh,
that I purposely schedule
flights to exotic places?
That I'm gone three
or four days at a time?
And then she's suspicious
when I come home tired.
She's so jealous
and for nothing!
I am not fooling around.
You don't believe me, do you?
- I'm gonna get you some lemon.
- Shorty, it's my work!
I can't continuously
schedule short hops
just so I can be home at night.
And hey, you know, every so
often a woman does hit on me.
I don't know, maybe they're
freaky for beards or something.
But the thing is, I wanna
be able to come home
and laugh about it with Julie.
But she gets so jealous.
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe I should
fight fire with fire.
Maybe every time she
mentions a guy in the building,
I should worry about it.
- Maybe you should.
Look, you guys, I
can sleep on the sofa.
Why don't you use my bed?
- Mom, you're a little obvious.
- Yes I know.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- One thing about
this apartment,
once I shut the door to my room
I cannot hear a thing out here!
(audience laughs)
- Mom.
- You know, I was thinking.
I could sleep in here and
you guys could use my bed.
- Say goodnight, Barbara.
- Goodnight, Barbara.
- Night, Max.
- Goodnight, Julie.
- Look, I'll stay out here
if you guys want my bed.
- Where is your bed?
- Through the wall
in the next apartment.
See, the Finnigans
kicked out Mary
and my mom paid to break
down the common wall
and Schneider out
in a door on my end
and a bookshelf
over the other door
but it's still very drafty.
- Alex, that's more than
I really wanted to know
about your bed.
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight Alex.
Turn out the light as you leave.
- Goodnight.
- Are you comfortable enough?
- Yeah I'm fine.
Are you feet warm enough
without your gym socks?
- Yeah, fine.
- Max.
- Julie.
- You go first.
- No no no, you first.
- Well, look, I
have to talk to you.
Real quiet and real serious.
But you go first.
- You know Julie, I
came all the way up here
to tell you that I love you.
- And I love you.
But that doesn't
help much right now.
- You know, I guess
I'm not very good
at letting you know how
much I care about you.
I don't know, maybe I get
too wrapped up in my work.
But if there's any doubt in
your mind that I love you,
really love you,
you're just wrong.
You're the most important
thing in the world to me.
- Oh Max.
- Now what did you want to say?
- We'll talk in the
morning, okay?
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
(laughing)
- Barbara.
Barb, wake up.
We're taking you
up on your offer.
- What?
(audience laughs)
- Take the sofa,
the cot has lumps.
- Thanks sis, goodnight.
- Hope my bed can
stand all the excitement.
(audience laughs)
- Hey Max, want me to
drop you off at the airport?
- No thanks, I've got a ride.
A friend's picking me up.
- Listen, are you sure
you don't want me
to go home with you?
- Well sure, you
can if you want,
but as soon as I hit Houston
I'm going right out on a flight.
I think you oughta
stay here and visit.
I'll see you home
tomorrow night.
- Okay.
- I gotta get ready.
- Oh Max, we still have to talk.
- I know.
- I take it things
went well last night.
- They sure did.
- Did you tell him?
- Ah, what's the point?
I figure everything is
working out okay now.
What's past is past.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
Is Max ready?
- Yeah, uh, he is.
I, I, uh, Max!
Uh, Max.
- Oh hi Kathy.
- Hi Max.
- Come on in.
I'll be ready in just a second.
Did you meet my
mother-in-law, Ann Romano?
Kathy Barlowe.
- Hi.
- Who's she?
- Oh, she's giving me
a ride to the airport.
She's on the flight
back to Houston.
- Oh, so that's why you were
so anxious to get out of here!
- Whoa whoa, what are
you getting so upset about?
She's just somebody I work with.
I thought you understood that.
- Oh Max, I
understand everything.
- No you don't, you don't
understand anything.
It's like last night
never happened.
- Uh, I think I'll
wait out front.
- Well Max, don't let
her leave by herself!
You might as well go with her,
you might get an
opportunity at the elevator.
- Whoa.
I thought you finally grew up.
- I've grown up all right.
You're not the only
one who's had a lover.
Hurts, doesn't it?
- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week
for the conclusion
of Julie Returns.
(audience clapping)
(bright music)