One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 6 - Dinner at Seven: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time.

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Hi.

Alex, what are these?

- Pants.

- What are your pants doing
on the dining room table?

I mean, everything
else it on the floor.

- They're not doing anything.

They're waiting.

To be sewn.

They got ripped.

- Brand new pants.

Alex, why is it always your
new pants that get ripped?

- You've noticed that too?

- You didn't wear
these to school, did you?

- Didn't I?

- Did any of your
teachers say anything?

- Only Mr. Sebastian
in homeroom.

He wanted to know if I
needed money for lunch.

- Wonderful.

You know you're gonna meet
Kareem Abdul Jabar tonight

without any pants.

- I don't even want to ask.

- He's being interviewed on
the 11:20 sports show tonight.

- Alex?

- Kareem.

You know that a lot of my
clients advertise on WSF4, so-

- Yeah, and she set it up for
Kareem to sign my basketball

and I get to stay
up 'til midnight.

- Right.

And tomorrow after school,
el destructo, we are gonna

march you down and
buy a new pair of pants

out of your allowance.

- Okay, okay.

Boy, sometimes you
sound just like a mother.

- I am a mother, remember?

- Girls don't count.

They're not the same.

- He's telling me.


Your stuff.

- Stuff.

- Right.

- Ugh, remind you of Julie?

- Cross between Julie
and a Sherman tank.

You look very nice.

- Thank you.

- Big date?

- Little date.

- Hmm.


- Mark.

- Who is Mark?

- He's a dental student.

I met him at the store.

- Aha.

But I thought that you and Jack-

- Yes, yes, we are.

And I was very honest
about that with Mark.

I told him that I was
seeing somebody.

Sort of.

- Sort of seeing somebody?

- Well you know Jack
is at the university.

He's only home on weekends.

- Right.

- So I sort of see him.

I don't actually see him
Monday through Thursday.

- Barbara, that's
a technicality.

- Okay, so I'm having
dinner on a technicality.

- Look, sweetheart, I
think you should see

a lot of different guys.

I mean, you are much
too young to get serious.

You're pretty enough
to get away with murder.

But even you can't
have it both ways.

- Yeah Barb, it's kinda lousy.

Well I mean, guys
have feelings too.

You know.

- Look, there's no problem.

Mark's like an old friend.

His uncle manages the
store and he helps out

sometimes on weekends.

It's not a date-date.

It's just a dinner date.

- You're goin' out with
a guy just for a meal.

Boy, that's rotten.

- Alex, we are having
a private conversation.

- Yeah, and it's
really very interesting.

Barbara, how old
do you have to be

before she stops
sending you to your room?

- [Barbara] 77.

- Look, you are obviously
not attracted to Mark

and he is attracted to you.

Don't lead him on.

- I'm not.

I was honest.

I said yes, I'd like
to have dinner.

- With him?

- With any pleasant
adoring male.

- Alex is right, you are rotten.

(phone rings)

- Come on, Mom.

What do you want me to
do, sit home by the hearth

four nights a week?

I'm a big girl.

I can handle it.


Jack, hi.

Wow, this is a
terrific surprise.

Are you calling
from Bloomington?

Oh you're not.

You're here.

Well, that's terrific.

Isn't that terrific, Mom?

Jack's home a
day early mid-term.

- Yeah.

Right, terrific.

- Tonight, Jack?

Well, uh... Yes, you know I do.

Can we make it a
little later than that?

A litter later?

A litter bit later than that?

Okay, fine.

I'll see you tonight at 9:30.


- Well, so much for
sitting home by the hearth.

What do you plan to tell
pleasant, adoring Mark?

- Why do I have
to tell him anything

as long as I'm home by 9:30?

Come on, Mom.

What's the big deal?

Dinner at seven, home by 9:30.

That's two and a half hours.

I'm a fast eater.

I'm gonna go out tonight

and I'm gonna have a
good time with Mark...

and with Jack.

(doorbell rings)

Ooh, can you get that?

I gotta get my coat.

- You are rotten.

I'm gonna hand it to ya.

- Hi.

- Hi, Mark.

Ann Romano.

- Hi, I'm Mark Royer.

Are you, uh, Barbara's roommate?

- No, her mother.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be.

Come on in.

- Hi.

Well, I see you two have met.

- [Mark] Yep.

- So long, Mom.

Really gotta go.

- [Mark] No we don't,
we've got all evening.

- But don't you
have a reservation?

- Ah, lots of time.

Besides, before I date
a girl I always like to

check out the mother.

- Yes, but there's heavy
traffic this time of night.

- Is she always in a hurry?

- Only when she's
heading for food.

- Ah.

You know, that might
explain the mystery

down at the
sporting goods store.

Something's been
getting into the trail mix.

We figure it's either
the rats or Barbara.

- Yes, well, speaking of
the trail, shall we hit it?

- Yeah, ol' Barb and I get
along pretty doggone well

down at the store.

I figure you never
really know a person 'til

you've blown up
48 footballs together.

- Right.

See, Mom?

- Old friends.

- Yep, known her for a year.

Thought I'd just go
ahead and ask her out,

but that's the way I am.


See something I like,
I just snap it right up.

- Well, we really do have to go.

- Bye.

- Have a good time.

- Yeah, thanks.

We'll be home early.

- We will?

You know, Barbara,
maybe I shouldn't say this

but, you know, the first
moment I say you, I said to myself

now there is a girl with
a lovely set of bicuspids.

- You know, Mr. Royer,
I've heard a little

sweet talk in French,
Dutch, even Latin.

But you're the only
man I know who speaks

dentistry beautifully.

- One of my many talents.

Actually, dentistry's
just a sideline.

- Stuffed shirts by mister?

- No no, it's M.R.

- Mark Royer.

- Right.

- That's great.

For me?

No, I give them to all
girls named Cooper.

I told you about this.

You know, t-shirts
made to order.

- Oh, did you work
your way through dental

school selling t-shirts?

- Actually, in
undergraduate school I had

a porta-pizza business.

And I ran rafters
down the salmon river.

Oh, in high school I ran
a summer camp for dogs.

Yeah, we put on plays
and had parents' day.

Oh, and look at this.

- Oh, that's very attractive.

- Mm hm.

It's a little jewelry
item I'm designing

in the dental lab.

- Gold nugget?

- Better, a gold inlay.

- It's very personal.

- Exactly.

See, what you've got
here is beauty and function.

During cocktails you
wear it as a necklace.

But your dinner
comes, you eat with it.

- No thanks.

- You know, I should've
asked you out a year ago.

- But?

- But, oh yeah,
but I was pinned.

- Pinned?

I guess it didn't
work out too well.

- Oh no, it worked out great.

We broke up.

- You know, I can never
tell when you're serious

and when you're kidding.

- I know, I have
the same problem.

- Oh my god.

- No no no, just call me Mark.

- No, I...

Oh, I didn't realize
it was so late.

- Five after nine?

- Well see, it's a school night.

- Yes.

- Not that I go to school.

- Why do I have this
feeling you're trying

to tell me something?

- Okay, it's not
that it's very late.

It's just that...


You seem like the kind of
guy who appreciates honesty.

- Right, I appreciate honesty.

- There's this other
guy I told you about-

- Usually I appreciate honesty.

- Ordinarily he comes into
town on Friday evenings.

- Oh right, yeah, you told me.

He goes to the
university and you

save your weekends
for him, your prime time.

- See, the thing is, this turned
out to be a long weekend.

He came home early.


- [Mark] So?

- So I told him that
I'd see him later.

That's why I have to get home

to meet him at 9:30.

- Oh, I see.

Oh, well I understand.

- Oh Mark, thank you.

I knew you would.

- Here.

- What's that?

- That's a dime.

Call your friend.

Tell him you won't be there.

- What do you mean
I won't be there?

- Well if you think I'm gonna
take ya out and buy ya dinner

and then rush you home
to spend the evening

with somebody else,
you're outta your mind.

- But I told him
that I was gonna-

- I know.

Call him.

Tell him you won't be there.

- Mark.

I want you take me home now.

- To be with some other guy?

- Well he'll be
waiting, so... I know.

Call him.

- No, I'm not gonna call him.

You're gonna take
me home right now.

- No.

But I will take you
to this really terrific

place I know.

They brew the best cup of
java you ever had in your life.

- Oh alright.

One very quick cup of
coffee and then you're

taking me home.

- Look, I don't see what
you're so steamed about.

You agreed to have one
quick cup of coffee and

that's all we had, one
quick cup of coffee.

- In Kokomo, Indiana?

You nerd!

You... You jerk!

You... You pill.

- Now you're really scraping
the bottom of the barrel.

Those are the feeblest
four-letter words you used all night.

- It is 10:30.

What's Jack gonna say?

- You know what he's gonna say?

You shoulda called him.

But let's not talk about him.

This is our night,
our first date.

Will you ever forget it?

- I'll try.

Has anyone ever told you you
have a warped sense of humor?

- Who, me?

♪ Back home again
♪ Indiana - Please.

Where in the world are we?

- Boon County, heart
of the Indiana farm belt.

- Oh, we're still in Indiana.

- I'm just driving you home.

- Neil Armstrong
took a shorter route.

- You know what that is?


New mown hay, that's what.

If I can just bottle that
smell and take it back

to the city...

You know what's wrong
with the world, Barbara?

- You're in it.

- You've got a pretty
great sense of humor there

for somebody
who's a little spoiled

and kind of thoughtless.

- Oh!

I'm thoughtless?

I suppose you think this is
the proper way to treat a lady?

- No.

I'm not even sure it's
the right way to treat you.

Okay, I'll take ya home.

Unless you'd rather
see the steel mills

of Gary by moonlight.

- Yeah, Jack, look.

I understand.


Try not to worry.

- Good move.

- Look, Jack, uh, she'll call
you as soon as she gets in.

I promise.

Goodnight, huh.

I'm sure there's a
perfectly good explanation.

There better be.

- Poor Jack.

Boy, what a guy
has to go through

for a little loving.

- Excuse me?

- Dating.

It's like organized rejection.

Hey, come on.

If we're gonna see
Jabar we better get going.

It's 20 to 11.

- Yeah, right.


Alex, do you know how
many times Mr. Jabar

comes to the Indianapolis
area in the season?

- No, how many times?

- Lots.

- Oh no.

No no.

No, Ms. R, no.

You promised me
and I told the guys.

I even took a
nap this afternoon.

- Barbara is over an hour late.

She's never late.

- But you promised.

Look, Barbara can
take care of herself.

She's a middle aged woman.

- I know, but I'm worried.

I know I'm being silly.

I know I'm overprotective.

- I know you're deking out.

- Alex, please,
try to understand.

I'm sorry, but I'm
worried about Barbara.

- Okay.

Okay, you're worried.

- Yes.

- But you don't
have to worry here.

Leave a note.

You can worry at the TV station.

I hear they've got
soundproof rooms.

- Alex, the phone might ring.

I'm sorry.

- Sure.


Worry about her.

Don't worry about me.

She's your kid.

I'm not.

Go ahead, deke out.

See if I care, deke out.

- Alex, oh come on.

- Will you please
buzz off, you turkey?

- I'm just walking
you to the door.

- Oh!

I hate you.

I despise you.

I detest you.

- Okay, that does it.

No goodnight kiss for you.

- Now look what you did.

I can't find my keys.

- What I did?

- Terrific, terrific.

It's almost midnight.

I'm gonna have to wake my mom

and tell her what?

- How 'bout the truth?

- What, that I've been driving
around the state with a jerk?

- Oh no you don't.

It's too late to make up now.

- Will you knock it off?

Slammin' the car doors.

Screamin' in the elevator.

Wakin' up the whole building.

Even Ms. LaRoue is outta bed.

- Trying to find my key.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Well well well,
look who's home.

Supposed to be home at 9:30.

I suppose you forgot all
about Kareem Abdul Jabar.

- She had a date with
Kareem Abdul Jabar?

- Jabar?

He can get me some tickets.

- No, it had nothing
to do with Jabar.

It was Alex.

- Oh, she had a date with Alex.

- Alex can't get any tickets.

- I had a date with Jack.

- You're a busy lady.

- Jack?

Can he get tickets?

- Oh, Schneider.

Barbara, you ruined
the whole night.

We couldn't leave
because I was so worried.

- Mom, when are you
gonna stop treating me

like a child?

You make me feel guilty
like I can't go anywhere,

like you don't trust me.

- I'm a mother.

That's what we do.

We worry.

And where does it get me?

You're mad, Alex is
furious, Jack is frantic, and

Kareem is tall!

- It's not my fault
that Alex didn't get to

see Kareem Abdul Jabar.

- Aw, Alex didn't
get to see him?

- No.

- Ah, he must've
been heartbroken.

- It's not my fault.

It's your fault and his.

- I never even met Jabar.

- Just wait 'til my
mother finds out

what you did to me.

- What he did to you?


- That is not what he did to me.

- Look, who are you?

- I am the maintenance
engineer for this family.

- Okay, I would like to know
why I worried myself sick.

I would like an explanation.

- You got it.

Explain it to the lady.

- Well I guess what happened
was really unforgivable.

- Well.

- Barbara should have phoned.

- He drove me across
half the state and wouldn't

bring me home to meet Jack!

- Now wait a second.

I could see his point.

He's got a date
with a girl and she's

meetin' another guy-
- Shut up, Schneider.

- Course I can
see your point too.

- Look maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe she's wrong.

- The thing about
this whole thing-

- Look, sir.

No disrespect, but this is
between Barbara and me.

And you just said you're not
a kid so stop acting like one.

Start thinking for yourself

and speak for yourself.

- I do speak for myself.

Tell him, Mom.

- Look, Ms. Romano,
I'm sorry you worried

and I'm sorry you're upset.

But I'd do it again.


- Wanna know somethin'?

I like the way that
guy handles women.

He could go a long way.

I outta talk to him about
attending one of my seminars.

- He refused to bring
me home to meet Jack.

Isn't that despicable, mother?


- Just call Jack.

- My own mother,
a male chauvinist.

(fingernails tapping)

- All this for a Whitman's
sampler on Mother's Day.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- That is supposed to
mean that Reggie Jackson

will be on next Wednesday
night's sports show.

- Reggie Jackson?

Wait a second, that's
what you said about Jabar.

But if Barbara gets a
hangnail or stubs her toe-

- Alex.

You can take this
one to the bank.

- You mean it?

- Bet your ol' Abner
Doubleday I do.

- Wow, Reggie Jackson.

Mr. October.

Ms. R, I really didn't mean
all those terrible things-

- Hey, that's
alright, I understand.

You didn't say anything
so terrible about me.

- I meant the stuff
I was thinking.

- Wow, Reggie Jackson.

I can't believe it.

I just hope this time...

Barbara, next Wednesday night,

you don't have a date, do you?

- Be quiet.

- Barbara.

Alex, it's not you.

- I'm sorry.

Let's just say last night I
had a crazy nightmare, okay.

- And then she came
home and went to bed.

- I still can't believe
what happened


- Honey, it's Friday.

You going out with Jack tonight?

- I don't know.

I don't care.

- I don't even think I'm
gonna try and understand girls.

I'm having enough trouble
with plane geometry.

- Hi, Ms. Romano.

- Hello, Schneider.

- Hiya, kid.

- [Alex] Hi.

- How ya doin'?

- Great.

- Yeah, I know how
disappointed you are.

- I feel terrific.

- I know things looks
kinda bleak now, but

never forget it's always
darkest before the storm.

You know, I was goin' through
my memento locker downstairs.

I came across
somethin' I think you

really might like to have.

- What is it?

- It's a cue ball autographed
By Minnesota Fats.

That's the one he
beat Paul Newman with.

- (laughs) Terrific, Schneider.

- Yeah.

- Signature's a
little fuzzy though.

- Well it's kinda tough to
write on a cue ball, you know.

- Schneider, how does
he spell his first name?

- Minnesota?

M-I-N-I-S-O-D-A, Minnesota Fats.

- That's what it
says right there.

Thanks, Schneider.

I really appreciate it.

- Yeah.

- Mom, can I borrow your scarf?

- Sure you can, honey,
but where's yours?

- Oh, I must have
left it in that...

in his car last night.

(Schneider laughing)

- Schneider, Schneider.

- That ol' chestnut.

- I forgot, alright?

I was mad.

It must've fallen
under the seat.

- What old chestnut?

- Well you see, whenever
a girl wants a guy

to call or, you know, when
she wants to see him again,

she conveniently leaves
something in his car.

- I don't wanna
see that nerd again.

- Ah, they never
admit it, of course.

The things that I have
found in my camper whoa.

Gloves, scarves, earrings,
purses, an accordion.

- An accordion?

- Yeah.

She put that thing on
my chest and played

Lady of Spain
(imitating accordion).

- Barbara, it was
an old scarf anyway.

- Yeah, can't get
scarves like that anymore.

Well if that fly brain
should call while I'm gone,

tell him I'll be home about five

and he can drop it by then.

- Honey, I'm not gonna be here.

I'll be at work.

- Me neither.

I'll be at school.

- Well what am I supposed to do?

- Buy another scarf.

- Right.

I'll have to call him.


What choice do I have?

I want my scarf, okay?

Hello, Mark, it's Barbara.

Look, I left a scarf...

Oh, okay.

Thank you.



He's mailing it.

Parcel post.

- Oh, she got her scarf back.

- Right.

And you said you never
wanted to see him again.

- Works out great

'cause I guess he doesn't
want to see you either.

- Okay.

I got what I wanted.


- Somethin' wrong
with the coffee?

- Well it's not the best
cup of coffee I've ever had.

- Oh really?

And where was the best
cup of coffee you ever had?

- Kokomo, Indiana.

(upbeat brass
instrumental music)