One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 6 - Dinner at Seven: Part 1 - full transcript
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time.
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Hi.
Alex, what are these?
- Pants.
- What are your pants doing
on the dining room table?
I mean, everything
else it on the floor.
- They're not doing anything.
They're waiting.
To be sewn.
They got ripped.
- Brand new pants.
Alex, why is it always your
new pants that get ripped?
- You've noticed that too?
- You didn't wear
these to school, did you?
- Didn't I?
- Did any of your
teachers say anything?
- Only Mr. Sebastian
in homeroom.
He wanted to know if I
needed money for lunch.
- Wonderful.
You know you're gonna meet
Kareem Abdul Jabar tonight
without any pants.
- I don't even want to ask.
- He's being interviewed on
the 11:20 sports show tonight.
- Alex?
- Kareem.
You know that a lot of my
clients advertise on WSF4, so-
- Yeah, and she set it up for
Kareem to sign my basketball
and I get to stay
up 'til midnight.
- Right.
And tomorrow after school,
el destructo, we are gonna
march you down and
buy a new pair of pants
out of your allowance.
- Okay, okay.
Boy, sometimes you
sound just like a mother.
- I am a mother, remember?
- Girls don't count.
They're not the same.
- He's telling me.
Alex!
Your stuff.
- Stuff.
- Right.
- Ugh, remind you of Julie?
- Cross between Julie
and a Sherman tank.
You look very nice.
- Thank you.
- Big date?
- Little date.
- Hmm.
Jack.
- Mark.
- Who is Mark?
- He's a dental student.
I met him at the store.
- Aha.
But I thought that you and Jack-
- Yes, yes, we are.
And I was very honest
about that with Mark.
I told him that I was
seeing somebody.
Sort of.
- Sort of seeing somebody?
- Well you know Jack
is at the university.
He's only home on weekends.
- Right.
- So I sort of see him.
I don't actually see him
Monday through Thursday.
- Barbara, that's
a technicality.
- Okay, so I'm having
dinner on a technicality.
- Look, sweetheart, I
think you should see
a lot of different guys.
I mean, you are much
too young to get serious.
You're pretty enough
to get away with murder.
But even you can't
have it both ways.
- Yeah Barb, it's kinda lousy.
Well I mean, guys
have feelings too.
You know.
- Look, there's no problem.
Mark's like an old friend.
His uncle manages the
store and he helps out
sometimes on weekends.
It's not a date-date.
It's just a dinner date.
- You're goin' out with
a guy just for a meal.
Boy, that's rotten.
- Alex, we are having
a private conversation.
- Yeah, and it's
really very interesting.
Barbara, how old
do you have to be
before she stops
sending you to your room?
- [Barbara] 77.
- Look, you are obviously
not attracted to Mark
and he is attracted to you.
Don't lead him on.
- I'm not.
I was honest.
I said yes, I'd like
to have dinner.
- With him?
- With any pleasant
adoring male.
- Alex is right, you are rotten.
(phone rings)
- Come on, Mom.
What do you want me to
do, sit home by the hearth
four nights a week?
I'm a big girl.
I can handle it.
Hello?
Jack, hi.
Wow, this is a
terrific surprise.
Are you calling
from Bloomington?
Oh you're not.
You're here.
Well, that's terrific.
Isn't that terrific, Mom?
Jack's home a
day early mid-term.
- Yeah.
Right, terrific.
- Tonight, Jack?
Well, uh... Yes, you know I do.
Can we make it a
little later than that?
A litter later?
A litter bit later than that?
Okay, fine.
I'll see you tonight at 9:30.
Buh-bye.
- Well, so much for
sitting home by the hearth.
What do you plan to tell
pleasant, adoring Mark?
- Why do I have
to tell him anything
as long as I'm home by 9:30?
Come on, Mom.
What's the big deal?
Dinner at seven, home by 9:30.
That's two and a half hours.
I'm a fast eater.
I'm gonna go out tonight
and I'm gonna have a
good time with Mark...
and with Jack.
(doorbell rings)
Ooh, can you get that?
I gotta get my coat.
- You are rotten.
I'm gonna hand it to ya.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mark.
Ann Romano.
- Hi, I'm Mark Royer.
Are you, uh, Barbara's roommate?
- No, her mother.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
Come on in.
- Hi.
Well, I see you two have met.
- [Mark] Yep.
- So long, Mom.
Really gotta go.
- [Mark] No we don't,
we've got all evening.
- But don't you
have a reservation?
- Ah, lots of time.
Besides, before I date
a girl I always like to
check out the mother.
- Yes, but there's heavy
traffic this time of night.
- Is she always in a hurry?
- Only when she's
heading for food.
- Ah.
You know, that might
explain the mystery
down at the
sporting goods store.
Something's been
getting into the trail mix.
We figure it's either
the rats or Barbara.
- Yes, well, speaking of
the trail, shall we hit it?
- Yeah, ol' Barb and I get
along pretty doggone well
down at the store.
I figure you never
really know a person 'til
you've blown up
48 footballs together.
- Right.
See, Mom?
- Old friends.
- Yep, known her for a year.
Thought I'd just go
ahead and ask her out,
but that's the way I am.
Impulsive.
See something I like,
I just snap it right up.
- Well, we really do have to go.
- Bye.
- Have a good time.
- Yeah, thanks.
We'll be home early.
- We will?
You know, Barbara,
maybe I shouldn't say this
but, you know, the first
moment I say you, I said to myself
now there is a girl with
a lovely set of bicuspids.
- You know, Mr. Royer,
I've heard a little
sweet talk in French,
Dutch, even Latin.
But you're the only
man I know who speaks
dentistry beautifully.
- One of my many talents.
Actually, dentistry's
just a sideline.
- Stuffed shirts by mister?
- No no, it's M.R.
- Mark Royer.
- Right.
- That's great.
For me?
No, I give them to all
girls named Cooper.
I told you about this.
You know, t-shirts
made to order.
- Oh, did you work
your way through dental
school selling t-shirts?
- Actually, in
undergraduate school I had
a porta-pizza business.
And I ran rafters
down the salmon river.
Oh, in high school I ran
a summer camp for dogs.
Yeah, we put on plays
and had parents' day.
Oh, and look at this.
- Oh, that's very attractive.
- Mm hm.
It's a little jewelry
item I'm designing
in the dental lab.
- Gold nugget?
- Better, a gold inlay.
- It's very personal.
- Exactly.
See, what you've got
here is beauty and function.
During cocktails you
wear it as a necklace.
But your dinner
comes, you eat with it.
- No thanks.
- You know, I should've
asked you out a year ago.
- But?
- But, oh yeah,
but I was pinned.
- Pinned?
I guess it didn't
work out too well.
- Oh no, it worked out great.
We broke up.
- You know, I can never
tell when you're serious
and when you're kidding.
- I know, I have
the same problem.
- Oh my god.
- No no no, just call me Mark.
- No, I...
Oh, I didn't realize
it was so late.
- Five after nine?
- Well see, it's a school night.
- Yes.
- Not that I go to school.
- Why do I have this
feeling you're trying
to tell me something?
- Okay, it's not
that it's very late.
It's just that...
Alright.
You seem like the kind of
guy who appreciates honesty.
- Right, I appreciate honesty.
- There's this other
guy I told you about-
- Usually I appreciate honesty.
- Ordinarily he comes into
town on Friday evenings.
- Oh right, yeah, you told me.
He goes to the
university and you
save your weekends
for him, your prime time.
- See, the thing is, this turned
out to be a long weekend.
He came home early.
Today.
- [Mark] So?
- So I told him that
I'd see him later.
That's why I have to get home
to meet him at 9:30.
- Oh, I see.
Oh, well I understand.
- Oh Mark, thank you.
I knew you would.
- Here.
- What's that?
- That's a dime.
Call your friend.
Tell him you won't be there.
- What do you mean
I won't be there?
- Well if you think I'm gonna
take ya out and buy ya dinner
and then rush you home
to spend the evening
with somebody else,
you're outta your mind.
- But I told him
that I was gonna-
- I know.
Call him.
Tell him you won't be there.
- Mark.
I want you take me home now.
- To be with some other guy?
- Well he'll be
waiting, so... I know.
Call him.
- No, I'm not gonna call him.
You're gonna take
me home right now.
- No.
But I will take you
to this really terrific
place I know.
They brew the best cup of
java you ever had in your life.
- Oh alright.
One very quick cup of
coffee and then you're
taking me home.
- Look, I don't see what
you're so steamed about.
You agreed to have one
quick cup of coffee and
that's all we had, one
quick cup of coffee.
- In Kokomo, Indiana?
You nerd!
You... You jerk!
You... You pill.
- Now you're really scraping
the bottom of the barrel.
Those are the feeblest
four-letter words you used all night.
- It is 10:30.
What's Jack gonna say?
- You know what he's gonna say?
You shoulda called him.
But let's not talk about him.
This is our night,
our first date.
Will you ever forget it?
- I'll try.
Has anyone ever told you you
have a warped sense of humor?
- Who, me?
♪ Back home again
♪ Indiana - Please.
Where in the world are we?
- Boon County, heart
of the Indiana farm belt.
- Oh, we're still in Indiana.
- I'm just driving you home.
- Neil Armstrong
took a shorter route.
- You know what that is?
Ahh.
New mown hay, that's what.
If I can just bottle that
smell and take it back
to the city...
You know what's wrong
with the world, Barbara?
- You're in it.
- You've got a pretty
great sense of humor there
for somebody
who's a little spoiled
and kind of thoughtless.
- Oh!
I'm thoughtless?
I suppose you think this is
the proper way to treat a lady?
- No.
I'm not even sure it's
the right way to treat you.
Okay, I'll take ya home.
Unless you'd rather
see the steel mills
of Gary by moonlight.
- Yeah, Jack, look.
I understand.
Okay?
Try not to worry.
- Good move.
- Look, Jack, uh, she'll call
you as soon as she gets in.
I promise.
Goodnight, huh.
I'm sure there's a
perfectly good explanation.
There better be.
- Poor Jack.
Boy, what a guy
has to go through
for a little loving.
- Excuse me?
- Dating.
It's like organized rejection.
Hey, come on.
If we're gonna see
Jabar we better get going.
It's 20 to 11.
- Yeah, right.
Right.
Alex, do you know how
many times Mr. Jabar
comes to the Indianapolis
area in the season?
- No, how many times?
- Lots.
- Oh no.
No no.
No, Ms. R, no.
You promised me
and I told the guys.
I even took a
nap this afternoon.
- Barbara is over an hour late.
She's never late.
- But you promised.
Look, Barbara can
take care of herself.
She's a middle aged woman.
- I know, but I'm worried.
I know I'm being silly.
I know I'm overprotective.
- I know you're deking out.
- Alex, please,
try to understand.
I'm sorry, but I'm
worried about Barbara.
- Okay.
Okay, you're worried.
- Yes.
- But you don't
have to worry here.
Leave a note.
You can worry at the TV station.
I hear they've got
soundproof rooms.
- Alex, the phone might ring.
I'm sorry.
- Sure.
Sure.
Worry about her.
Don't worry about me.
She's your kid.
I'm not.
Go ahead, deke out.
See if I care, deke out.
- Alex, oh come on.
- Will you please
buzz off, you turkey?
- I'm just walking
you to the door.
- Oh!
I hate you.
I despise you.
I detest you.
- Okay, that does it.
No goodnight kiss for you.
- Now look what you did.
I can't find my keys.
- What I did?
- Terrific, terrific.
It's almost midnight.
I'm gonna have to wake my mom
and tell her what?
- How 'bout the truth?
- What, that I've been driving
around the state with a jerk?
- Oh no you don't.
It's too late to make up now.
- Will you knock it off?
Slammin' the car doors.
Screamin' in the elevator.
Wakin' up the whole building.
Even Ms. LaRoue is outta bed.
- Trying to find my key.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Well well well,
look who's home.
Supposed to be home at 9:30.
I suppose you forgot all
about Kareem Abdul Jabar.
- She had a date with
Kareem Abdul Jabar?
- Jabar?
He can get me some tickets.
- No, it had nothing
to do with Jabar.
It was Alex.
- Oh, she had a date with Alex.
- Alex can't get any tickets.
- I had a date with Jack.
- You're a busy lady.
- Jack?
Can he get tickets?
- Oh, Schneider.
Barbara, you ruined
the whole night.
We couldn't leave
because I was so worried.
- Mom, when are you
gonna stop treating me
like a child?
You make me feel guilty
like I can't go anywhere,
like you don't trust me.
- I'm a mother.
That's what we do.
We worry.
And where does it get me?
You're mad, Alex is
furious, Jack is frantic, and
Kareem is tall!
- It's not my fault
that Alex didn't get to
see Kareem Abdul Jabar.
- Aw, Alex didn't
get to see him?
- No.
- Ah, he must've
been heartbroken.
- It's not my fault.
It's your fault and his.
- I never even met Jabar.
- Just wait 'til my
mother finds out
what you did to me.
- What he did to you?
What?
- That is not what he did to me.
- Look, who are you?
- I am the maintenance
engineer for this family.
- Okay, I would like to know
why I worried myself sick.
I would like an explanation.
- You got it.
Explain it to the lady.
- Well I guess what happened
was really unforgivable.
- Well.
- Barbara should have phoned.
- He drove me across
half the state and wouldn't
bring me home to meet Jack!
- Now wait a second.
I could see his point.
He's got a date
with a girl and she's
meetin' another guy-
- Shut up, Schneider.
- Course I can
see your point too.
- Look maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe she's wrong.
- The thing about
this whole thing-
- Look, sir.
No disrespect, but this is
between Barbara and me.
And you just said you're not
a kid so stop acting like one.
Start thinking for yourself
and speak for yourself.
- I do speak for myself.
Tell him, Mom.
- Look, Ms. Romano,
I'm sorry you worried
and I'm sorry you're upset.
But I'd do it again.
Goodnight.
- Wanna know somethin'?
I like the way that
guy handles women.
He could go a long way.
I outta talk to him about
attending one of my seminars.
- He refused to bring
me home to meet Jack.
Isn't that despicable, mother?
Mom?
- Just call Jack.
- My own mother,
a male chauvinist.
(fingernails tapping)
- All this for a Whitman's
sampler on Mother's Day.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- That is supposed to
mean that Reggie Jackson
will be on next Wednesday
night's sports show.
- Reggie Jackson?
Wait a second, that's
what you said about Jabar.
But if Barbara gets a
hangnail or stubs her toe-
- Alex.
You can take this
one to the bank.
- You mean it?
- Bet your ol' Abner
Doubleday I do.
- Wow, Reggie Jackson.
Mr. October.
Ms. R, I really didn't mean
all those terrible things-
- Hey, that's
alright, I understand.
You didn't say anything
so terrible about me.
- I meant the stuff
I was thinking.
- Wow, Reggie Jackson.
I can't believe it.
I just hope this time...
Barbara, next Wednesday night,
you don't have a date, do you?
- Be quiet.
- Barbara.
Alex, it's not you.
- I'm sorry.
Let's just say last night I
had a crazy nightmare, okay.
- And then she came
home and went to bed.
- I still can't believe
what happened
happened.
- Honey, it's Friday.
You going out with Jack tonight?
- I don't know.
I don't care.
- I don't even think I'm
gonna try and understand girls.
I'm having enough trouble
with plane geometry.
- Hi, Ms. Romano.
- Hello, Schneider.
- Hiya, kid.
- [Alex] Hi.
- How ya doin'?
- Great.
- Yeah, I know how
disappointed you are.
- I feel terrific.
- I know things looks
kinda bleak now, but
never forget it's always
darkest before the storm.
You know, I was goin' through
my memento locker downstairs.
I came across
somethin' I think you
really might like to have.
- What is it?
- It's a cue ball autographed
By Minnesota Fats.
That's the one he
beat Paul Newman with.
- (laughs) Terrific, Schneider.
- Yeah.
- Signature's a
little fuzzy though.
- Well it's kinda tough to
write on a cue ball, you know.
- Schneider, how does
he spell his first name?
- Minnesota?
M-I-N-I-S-O-D-A, Minnesota Fats.
- That's what it
says right there.
Thanks, Schneider.
I really appreciate it.
- Yeah.
- Mom, can I borrow your scarf?
- Sure you can, honey,
but where's yours?
- Oh, I must have
left it in that...
in his car last night.
(Schneider laughing)
- Schneider, Schneider.
- That ol' chestnut.
- I forgot, alright?
I was mad.
It must've fallen
under the seat.
- What old chestnut?
- Well you see, whenever
a girl wants a guy
to call or, you know, when
she wants to see him again,
she conveniently leaves
something in his car.
- I don't wanna
see that nerd again.
- Ah, they never
admit it, of course.
The things that I have
found in my camper whoa.
Gloves, scarves, earrings,
purses, an accordion.
- An accordion?
- Yeah.
She put that thing on
my chest and played
Lady of Spain
(imitating accordion).
- Barbara, it was
an old scarf anyway.
- Yeah, can't get
scarves like that anymore.
Well if that fly brain
should call while I'm gone,
tell him I'll be home about five
and he can drop it by then.
- Honey, I'm not gonna be here.
I'll be at work.
- Me neither.
I'll be at school.
- Well what am I supposed to do?
- Buy another scarf.
- Right.
I'll have to call him.
Well...
What choice do I have?
I want my scarf, okay?
Hello, Mark, it's Barbara.
Look, I left a scarf...
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Bye.
He's mailing it.
Parcel post.
- Oh, she got her scarf back.
- Right.
And you said you never
wanted to see him again.
- Works out great
'cause I guess he doesn't
want to see you either.
- Okay.
I got what I wanted.
Ugh.
- Somethin' wrong
with the coffee?
- Well it's not the best
cup of coffee I've ever had.
- Oh really?
And where was the best
cup of coffee you ever had?
- Kokomo, Indiana.
(upbeat brass
instrumental music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time.
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Hi.
Alex, what are these?
- Pants.
- What are your pants doing
on the dining room table?
I mean, everything
else it on the floor.
- They're not doing anything.
They're waiting.
To be sewn.
They got ripped.
- Brand new pants.
Alex, why is it always your
new pants that get ripped?
- You've noticed that too?
- You didn't wear
these to school, did you?
- Didn't I?
- Did any of your
teachers say anything?
- Only Mr. Sebastian
in homeroom.
He wanted to know if I
needed money for lunch.
- Wonderful.
You know you're gonna meet
Kareem Abdul Jabar tonight
without any pants.
- I don't even want to ask.
- He's being interviewed on
the 11:20 sports show tonight.
- Alex?
- Kareem.
You know that a lot of my
clients advertise on WSF4, so-
- Yeah, and she set it up for
Kareem to sign my basketball
and I get to stay
up 'til midnight.
- Right.
And tomorrow after school,
el destructo, we are gonna
march you down and
buy a new pair of pants
out of your allowance.
- Okay, okay.
Boy, sometimes you
sound just like a mother.
- I am a mother, remember?
- Girls don't count.
They're not the same.
- He's telling me.
Alex!
Your stuff.
- Stuff.
- Right.
- Ugh, remind you of Julie?
- Cross between Julie
and a Sherman tank.
You look very nice.
- Thank you.
- Big date?
- Little date.
- Hmm.
Jack.
- Mark.
- Who is Mark?
- He's a dental student.
I met him at the store.
- Aha.
But I thought that you and Jack-
- Yes, yes, we are.
And I was very honest
about that with Mark.
I told him that I was
seeing somebody.
Sort of.
- Sort of seeing somebody?
- Well you know Jack
is at the university.
He's only home on weekends.
- Right.
- So I sort of see him.
I don't actually see him
Monday through Thursday.
- Barbara, that's
a technicality.
- Okay, so I'm having
dinner on a technicality.
- Look, sweetheart, I
think you should see
a lot of different guys.
I mean, you are much
too young to get serious.
You're pretty enough
to get away with murder.
But even you can't
have it both ways.
- Yeah Barb, it's kinda lousy.
Well I mean, guys
have feelings too.
You know.
- Look, there's no problem.
Mark's like an old friend.
His uncle manages the
store and he helps out
sometimes on weekends.
It's not a date-date.
It's just a dinner date.
- You're goin' out with
a guy just for a meal.
Boy, that's rotten.
- Alex, we are having
a private conversation.
- Yeah, and it's
really very interesting.
Barbara, how old
do you have to be
before she stops
sending you to your room?
- [Barbara] 77.
- Look, you are obviously
not attracted to Mark
and he is attracted to you.
Don't lead him on.
- I'm not.
I was honest.
I said yes, I'd like
to have dinner.
- With him?
- With any pleasant
adoring male.
- Alex is right, you are rotten.
(phone rings)
- Come on, Mom.
What do you want me to
do, sit home by the hearth
four nights a week?
I'm a big girl.
I can handle it.
Hello?
Jack, hi.
Wow, this is a
terrific surprise.
Are you calling
from Bloomington?
Oh you're not.
You're here.
Well, that's terrific.
Isn't that terrific, Mom?
Jack's home a
day early mid-term.
- Yeah.
Right, terrific.
- Tonight, Jack?
Well, uh... Yes, you know I do.
Can we make it a
little later than that?
A litter later?
A litter bit later than that?
Okay, fine.
I'll see you tonight at 9:30.
Buh-bye.
- Well, so much for
sitting home by the hearth.
What do you plan to tell
pleasant, adoring Mark?
- Why do I have
to tell him anything
as long as I'm home by 9:30?
Come on, Mom.
What's the big deal?
Dinner at seven, home by 9:30.
That's two and a half hours.
I'm a fast eater.
I'm gonna go out tonight
and I'm gonna have a
good time with Mark...
and with Jack.
(doorbell rings)
Ooh, can you get that?
I gotta get my coat.
- You are rotten.
I'm gonna hand it to ya.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mark.
Ann Romano.
- Hi, I'm Mark Royer.
Are you, uh, Barbara's roommate?
- No, her mother.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
Come on in.
- Hi.
Well, I see you two have met.
- [Mark] Yep.
- So long, Mom.
Really gotta go.
- [Mark] No we don't,
we've got all evening.
- But don't you
have a reservation?
- Ah, lots of time.
Besides, before I date
a girl I always like to
check out the mother.
- Yes, but there's heavy
traffic this time of night.
- Is she always in a hurry?
- Only when she's
heading for food.
- Ah.
You know, that might
explain the mystery
down at the
sporting goods store.
Something's been
getting into the trail mix.
We figure it's either
the rats or Barbara.
- Yes, well, speaking of
the trail, shall we hit it?
- Yeah, ol' Barb and I get
along pretty doggone well
down at the store.
I figure you never
really know a person 'til
you've blown up
48 footballs together.
- Right.
See, Mom?
- Old friends.
- Yep, known her for a year.
Thought I'd just go
ahead and ask her out,
but that's the way I am.
Impulsive.
See something I like,
I just snap it right up.
- Well, we really do have to go.
- Bye.
- Have a good time.
- Yeah, thanks.
We'll be home early.
- We will?
You know, Barbara,
maybe I shouldn't say this
but, you know, the first
moment I say you, I said to myself
now there is a girl with
a lovely set of bicuspids.
- You know, Mr. Royer,
I've heard a little
sweet talk in French,
Dutch, even Latin.
But you're the only
man I know who speaks
dentistry beautifully.
- One of my many talents.
Actually, dentistry's
just a sideline.
- Stuffed shirts by mister?
- No no, it's M.R.
- Mark Royer.
- Right.
- That's great.
For me?
No, I give them to all
girls named Cooper.
I told you about this.
You know, t-shirts
made to order.
- Oh, did you work
your way through dental
school selling t-shirts?
- Actually, in
undergraduate school I had
a porta-pizza business.
And I ran rafters
down the salmon river.
Oh, in high school I ran
a summer camp for dogs.
Yeah, we put on plays
and had parents' day.
Oh, and look at this.
- Oh, that's very attractive.
- Mm hm.
It's a little jewelry
item I'm designing
in the dental lab.
- Gold nugget?
- Better, a gold inlay.
- It's very personal.
- Exactly.
See, what you've got
here is beauty and function.
During cocktails you
wear it as a necklace.
But your dinner
comes, you eat with it.
- No thanks.
- You know, I should've
asked you out a year ago.
- But?
- But, oh yeah,
but I was pinned.
- Pinned?
I guess it didn't
work out too well.
- Oh no, it worked out great.
We broke up.
- You know, I can never
tell when you're serious
and when you're kidding.
- I know, I have
the same problem.
- Oh my god.
- No no no, just call me Mark.
- No, I...
Oh, I didn't realize
it was so late.
- Five after nine?
- Well see, it's a school night.
- Yes.
- Not that I go to school.
- Why do I have this
feeling you're trying
to tell me something?
- Okay, it's not
that it's very late.
It's just that...
Alright.
You seem like the kind of
guy who appreciates honesty.
- Right, I appreciate honesty.
- There's this other
guy I told you about-
- Usually I appreciate honesty.
- Ordinarily he comes into
town on Friday evenings.
- Oh right, yeah, you told me.
He goes to the
university and you
save your weekends
for him, your prime time.
- See, the thing is, this turned
out to be a long weekend.
He came home early.
Today.
- [Mark] So?
- So I told him that
I'd see him later.
That's why I have to get home
to meet him at 9:30.
- Oh, I see.
Oh, well I understand.
- Oh Mark, thank you.
I knew you would.
- Here.
- What's that?
- That's a dime.
Call your friend.
Tell him you won't be there.
- What do you mean
I won't be there?
- Well if you think I'm gonna
take ya out and buy ya dinner
and then rush you home
to spend the evening
with somebody else,
you're outta your mind.
- But I told him
that I was gonna-
- I know.
Call him.
Tell him you won't be there.
- Mark.
I want you take me home now.
- To be with some other guy?
- Well he'll be
waiting, so... I know.
Call him.
- No, I'm not gonna call him.
You're gonna take
me home right now.
- No.
But I will take you
to this really terrific
place I know.
They brew the best cup of
java you ever had in your life.
- Oh alright.
One very quick cup of
coffee and then you're
taking me home.
- Look, I don't see what
you're so steamed about.
You agreed to have one
quick cup of coffee and
that's all we had, one
quick cup of coffee.
- In Kokomo, Indiana?
You nerd!
You... You jerk!
You... You pill.
- Now you're really scraping
the bottom of the barrel.
Those are the feeblest
four-letter words you used all night.
- It is 10:30.
What's Jack gonna say?
- You know what he's gonna say?
You shoulda called him.
But let's not talk about him.
This is our night,
our first date.
Will you ever forget it?
- I'll try.
Has anyone ever told you you
have a warped sense of humor?
- Who, me?
♪ Back home again
♪ Indiana - Please.
Where in the world are we?
- Boon County, heart
of the Indiana farm belt.
- Oh, we're still in Indiana.
- I'm just driving you home.
- Neil Armstrong
took a shorter route.
- You know what that is?
Ahh.
New mown hay, that's what.
If I can just bottle that
smell and take it back
to the city...
You know what's wrong
with the world, Barbara?
- You're in it.
- You've got a pretty
great sense of humor there
for somebody
who's a little spoiled
and kind of thoughtless.
- Oh!
I'm thoughtless?
I suppose you think this is
the proper way to treat a lady?
- No.
I'm not even sure it's
the right way to treat you.
Okay, I'll take ya home.
Unless you'd rather
see the steel mills
of Gary by moonlight.
- Yeah, Jack, look.
I understand.
Okay?
Try not to worry.
- Good move.
- Look, Jack, uh, she'll call
you as soon as she gets in.
I promise.
Goodnight, huh.
I'm sure there's a
perfectly good explanation.
There better be.
- Poor Jack.
Boy, what a guy
has to go through
for a little loving.
- Excuse me?
- Dating.
It's like organized rejection.
Hey, come on.
If we're gonna see
Jabar we better get going.
It's 20 to 11.
- Yeah, right.
Right.
Alex, do you know how
many times Mr. Jabar
comes to the Indianapolis
area in the season?
- No, how many times?
- Lots.
- Oh no.
No no.
No, Ms. R, no.
You promised me
and I told the guys.
I even took a
nap this afternoon.
- Barbara is over an hour late.
She's never late.
- But you promised.
Look, Barbara can
take care of herself.
She's a middle aged woman.
- I know, but I'm worried.
I know I'm being silly.
I know I'm overprotective.
- I know you're deking out.
- Alex, please,
try to understand.
I'm sorry, but I'm
worried about Barbara.
- Okay.
Okay, you're worried.
- Yes.
- But you don't
have to worry here.
Leave a note.
You can worry at the TV station.
I hear they've got
soundproof rooms.
- Alex, the phone might ring.
I'm sorry.
- Sure.
Sure.
Worry about her.
Don't worry about me.
She's your kid.
I'm not.
Go ahead, deke out.
See if I care, deke out.
- Alex, oh come on.
- Will you please
buzz off, you turkey?
- I'm just walking
you to the door.
- Oh!
I hate you.
I despise you.
I detest you.
- Okay, that does it.
No goodnight kiss for you.
- Now look what you did.
I can't find my keys.
- What I did?
- Terrific, terrific.
It's almost midnight.
I'm gonna have to wake my mom
and tell her what?
- How 'bout the truth?
- What, that I've been driving
around the state with a jerk?
- Oh no you don't.
It's too late to make up now.
- Will you knock it off?
Slammin' the car doors.
Screamin' in the elevator.
Wakin' up the whole building.
Even Ms. LaRoue is outta bed.
- Trying to find my key.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Well well well,
look who's home.
Supposed to be home at 9:30.
I suppose you forgot all
about Kareem Abdul Jabar.
- She had a date with
Kareem Abdul Jabar?
- Jabar?
He can get me some tickets.
- No, it had nothing
to do with Jabar.
It was Alex.
- Oh, she had a date with Alex.
- Alex can't get any tickets.
- I had a date with Jack.
- You're a busy lady.
- Jack?
Can he get tickets?
- Oh, Schneider.
Barbara, you ruined
the whole night.
We couldn't leave
because I was so worried.
- Mom, when are you
gonna stop treating me
like a child?
You make me feel guilty
like I can't go anywhere,
like you don't trust me.
- I'm a mother.
That's what we do.
We worry.
And where does it get me?
You're mad, Alex is
furious, Jack is frantic, and
Kareem is tall!
- It's not my fault
that Alex didn't get to
see Kareem Abdul Jabar.
- Aw, Alex didn't
get to see him?
- No.
- Ah, he must've
been heartbroken.
- It's not my fault.
It's your fault and his.
- I never even met Jabar.
- Just wait 'til my
mother finds out
what you did to me.
- What he did to you?
What?
- That is not what he did to me.
- Look, who are you?
- I am the maintenance
engineer for this family.
- Okay, I would like to know
why I worried myself sick.
I would like an explanation.
- You got it.
Explain it to the lady.
- Well I guess what happened
was really unforgivable.
- Well.
- Barbara should have phoned.
- He drove me across
half the state and wouldn't
bring me home to meet Jack!
- Now wait a second.
I could see his point.
He's got a date
with a girl and she's
meetin' another guy-
- Shut up, Schneider.
- Course I can
see your point too.
- Look maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe she's wrong.
- The thing about
this whole thing-
- Look, sir.
No disrespect, but this is
between Barbara and me.
And you just said you're not
a kid so stop acting like one.
Start thinking for yourself
and speak for yourself.
- I do speak for myself.
Tell him, Mom.
- Look, Ms. Romano,
I'm sorry you worried
and I'm sorry you're upset.
But I'd do it again.
Goodnight.
- Wanna know somethin'?
I like the way that
guy handles women.
He could go a long way.
I outta talk to him about
attending one of my seminars.
- He refused to bring
me home to meet Jack.
Isn't that despicable, mother?
Mom?
- Just call Jack.
- My own mother,
a male chauvinist.
(fingernails tapping)
- All this for a Whitman's
sampler on Mother's Day.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- That is supposed to
mean that Reggie Jackson
will be on next Wednesday
night's sports show.
- Reggie Jackson?
Wait a second, that's
what you said about Jabar.
But if Barbara gets a
hangnail or stubs her toe-
- Alex.
You can take this
one to the bank.
- You mean it?
- Bet your ol' Abner
Doubleday I do.
- Wow, Reggie Jackson.
Mr. October.
Ms. R, I really didn't mean
all those terrible things-
- Hey, that's
alright, I understand.
You didn't say anything
so terrible about me.
- I meant the stuff
I was thinking.
- Wow, Reggie Jackson.
I can't believe it.
I just hope this time...
Barbara, next Wednesday night,
you don't have a date, do you?
- Be quiet.
- Barbara.
Alex, it's not you.
- I'm sorry.
Let's just say last night I
had a crazy nightmare, okay.
- And then she came
home and went to bed.
- I still can't believe
what happened
happened.
- Honey, it's Friday.
You going out with Jack tonight?
- I don't know.
I don't care.
- I don't even think I'm
gonna try and understand girls.
I'm having enough trouble
with plane geometry.
- Hi, Ms. Romano.
- Hello, Schneider.
- Hiya, kid.
- [Alex] Hi.
- How ya doin'?
- Great.
- Yeah, I know how
disappointed you are.
- I feel terrific.
- I know things looks
kinda bleak now, but
never forget it's always
darkest before the storm.
You know, I was goin' through
my memento locker downstairs.
I came across
somethin' I think you
really might like to have.
- What is it?
- It's a cue ball autographed
By Minnesota Fats.
That's the one he
beat Paul Newman with.
- (laughs) Terrific, Schneider.
- Yeah.
- Signature's a
little fuzzy though.
- Well it's kinda tough to
write on a cue ball, you know.
- Schneider, how does
he spell his first name?
- Minnesota?
M-I-N-I-S-O-D-A, Minnesota Fats.
- That's what it
says right there.
Thanks, Schneider.
I really appreciate it.
- Yeah.
- Mom, can I borrow your scarf?
- Sure you can, honey,
but where's yours?
- Oh, I must have
left it in that...
in his car last night.
(Schneider laughing)
- Schneider, Schneider.
- That ol' chestnut.
- I forgot, alright?
I was mad.
It must've fallen
under the seat.
- What old chestnut?
- Well you see, whenever
a girl wants a guy
to call or, you know, when
she wants to see him again,
she conveniently leaves
something in his car.
- I don't wanna
see that nerd again.
- Ah, they never
admit it, of course.
The things that I have
found in my camper whoa.
Gloves, scarves, earrings,
purses, an accordion.
- An accordion?
- Yeah.
She put that thing on
my chest and played
Lady of Spain
(imitating accordion).
- Barbara, it was
an old scarf anyway.
- Yeah, can't get
scarves like that anymore.
Well if that fly brain
should call while I'm gone,
tell him I'll be home about five
and he can drop it by then.
- Honey, I'm not gonna be here.
I'll be at work.
- Me neither.
I'll be at school.
- Well what am I supposed to do?
- Buy another scarf.
- Right.
I'll have to call him.
Well...
What choice do I have?
I want my scarf, okay?
Hello, Mark, it's Barbara.
Look, I left a scarf...
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Bye.
He's mailing it.
Parcel post.
- Oh, she got her scarf back.
- Right.
And you said you never
wanted to see him again.
- Works out great
'cause I guess he doesn't
want to see you either.
- Okay.
I got what I wanted.
Ugh.
- Somethin' wrong
with the coffee?
- Well it's not the best
cup of coffee I've ever had.
- Oh really?
And where was the best
cup of coffee you ever had?
- Kokomo, Indiana.
(upbeat brass
instrumental music)