One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 16 - Mrs. O'Leary's Kid - full transcript

Alex knows he doesn't deserve the accolades for saving some people from a fire because he caused it.

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ The is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it come

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Bit trouble, big trouble.

- You always get like that
when you're trying to write.

Don't worry, I've
got faith in you.

- At Maxim's
Lighting and Electrical

lighting is the maximum.

- Big trouble.

(audience laughing)

- Could you not do that please?

It's making me really crazy.

- When is Schneider
gonna finish fixing that tub?

- I heard that!

Relax, will you?

Would you tell a brain
surgeon to rush a lobotomy?

(audience laughing)

- Schneider.

- You know what the
problem is in there?

Dog hairs.

- Dog hairs?

- Nothing personal.

(audience laughing)

You got enough
dog hairs in that drain

to reconstruct the
Russian wolfhound.

(audience laughing)

- Why does everybody
automatically look at me?

Okay, I was helping Jeffery
Feister make some money.

You guys met Jeffrey
a couple of times, right?

(audience laughing)

Anyway, he washes dogs
after school for $2.00 a dog.

His mother wouldn't let
him use their tub anymore.

- What a vicious woman.

(audience laughing)

So, we've been
washing them over here.

So far I've made three bucks.

- Alex, that was very dumb.

- I guess it was.

I didn't think, I'm sorry.

- Apology accepted.

No more dogs.

- No more dogs.

- No more interruption,
no more barber,

no more Schneider,
goodbye everybody.

- Oh, that's really terrific.

Guys comes up here, and he
does an emergency drain-ectomy,

and he gets the old kiss off!

(audience laughing)

All right, I'll tell you
what Ms. Romano,

no more house calls!

You got a problem
with the drain?

You call my office,
bring the drain in.

(audience laughing)

- A notion, a thought,
nothing brilliant,

just a trigger, please.

Oh Alex!
- I'm sorry!

- Apology not accepted.

I told you not to play
with that ball in here.

Are you happy now?

- I'll sop it up with
something, I'll pay for it!

- With what the money
you made ruining the drain?

Alex, do you have a problem?

Did I do something bad to you,

or are you deliberately
trying to see

how far you can push me?

- Let me help, what can I do?

- Right now I don't care as
long as you don't do it here.

It's all over every (groaning)

- Alex, what's going on?

- Nothing.

Jeff, you might as well know.

We're out of the dog business.

- Listen, I'm surprised it
even lasted this long really.

Say, whose camper is this?

- Schneider's.

Don't bother, it's locked.

- What's he got inside?

It looks like a great camper.

- Well, he's got a
stove, a bed, a TV.

He's my friend.

I even know where the key is.

- Cool, let's go on
inside, take a look around.

- Jeff, I don't think so.

- Okay, be that way.

See you around.

- Jeff, Jeff, come on back.

Turn around, okay?

- What?

- Can you just turn around?


Okay, now don't
mess around, just look.

- You got it.

- Well, here we are.

- Alex, this is some class
layout he's got here, huh?

- Yeah, Schneider
was in the NAVY.

- Is that a picture
of his mother?

(audience laughing)


- Sure.

No, I've been
trying to cut down.

- Come on.

- One maybe.

It relaxes me.

(audience laughing)


It's not my brand.

- Me neither.

I gotta go, bye.

- See you.

♪ But it's great
after being lonely

♪ Walking my baby back home

- Schneider, could you not sing?

I would really appreciate that.

- Hey, I got this carpet
stain out of here already.

Of course, I'm using
industrial strength water.

(audience laughing)

You smell smoke?

- I just need one good
idea, and I'll be set.

- That sounded like
it was right outside.

(sirens wailing)

Holy mackerel, there's
three engines down there!

Some poor son of a
gun's home is on fire

right in this neighborhood.

(audience laughing)

These guys are
really professional.

You gotta watch this.

They're un-spooling
the hoses now.

- [Ann] Your soul will glow.

- They're bringing the
hoses up to this building.

- The glow from
a Maxim fixture...

(audience laughing)

- Ms. Romano?

Ms. Romano?


I think we have some fire.

- Fire, that's good!

- The building's got a hot fire.

- That's not bad.

- Ms. Romano, Ms. Romano.

- Oh my god.

- I tried to stop it.

I knocked on doors, I
called the fire department.

- All right, everybody
I'm gonna go check it out.

I'm gonna go check it out.

All right, now if the
smoke gets too thick

crawl on the floor.

If the floor gets too hot,
crawl along that wall.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, Barbara
get out of the tub quick!

The building is
on a little bit of fire.

- It all happened so fast.

- Okay, okay, stay clam,
everybody stay calm.

- Alex, stay calm.

- I did everything I could.

- Stay calm!
- Mom.

- Do you remember
we made a list once

of everything we
were supposed to take

in case it was an emergency?

Okay, where's the list?

- I don't know.

- So much for the list.

Okay, let's go!

- Wet towels, wet towels.

- All right, all right,
I checked it out.

We're on fire!

All right, look.

We will vacate these premises
in an orderly fashion, right?

Take care not to go
down on the elevator,

and do not dawdle on the stairs.

- We're dawdling now.

- Where are you going?

- Schneider, the fire!

- I will not let you go out

with those
extremities so extreme!

Here, put this on.

- Oh, I hate this coat.

- Then throw it on a fire.

- Do you have any
idea how this started?

- It was in the garage.

- Thank god you're okay.

What happened?

- I don't know
Schneider's camper

was on fire when I got there.

- Come on, come on, come on!

- Schneider's camper?

Schneider's camper is on fire?

(audience laughing)

- You know, this is real nice
of you to do this Ms. Romano.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Oh, come on.

Everybody on the top floors

are taking in a few
people, Mr. Roberts.

It's really no big deal.

- All the smoke damage is
on the lower levels, right?

So, who lives on
the ground floor?

Charlie Roberts.

- You and your daughter
can flip for the couch.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

(doorbell ringing)

- I'll get it.

Oh Mrs. Cashman
come on in, I'm so sorry.

Look, until we can
figure something out

why don't you sit
over here, okay?

Is there anything I can get you,

some coffee or hot cocoa?

- Would you have a little gin?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, look this is your
real hero Ms. Romano.

This guy, he was running
around knocking on doors

like a regular Paul Revere.


- Are you okay, Alex?

- Yeah.

- Here you go.

Are you all right?

- I got a dead bird.

(audience laughing)

- I'm so sorry,
what was his name?

- Birdie.

10 years he was
in perfect health.

Now a little fire in an
apartment house, bye bye Birdie.

(audience laughing)

- Well, about all
that's left of my camper

is a hubcap full of ashes.

Guys down at the
lodge bought me an urn.

(audience laughing)

I'm gonna put it up
in the trophy room.

- What do you estimate the
total damage at, Schneider?

- Well, the preliminary
insurance reports says $150,000.

But, the building,
this building.

I mean I looked
over this building

like a shepard
looks over his flock.

I let you down.

I should be de-flocked.

- Oh no.

(audience laughing)

Schneider, you didn't
let anybody down.

The Fire Marshall said it was
probably the work of vandals.

Come on, man.

- Schneider, Ms. R I've
got something to say.

- I'll tell you what,
they were punks!

That's what they were.

Is there some law that kids
today can't be more like Alex?

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, wait 'til they hear
about this at school, Alex.

- Birdie always liked Alex.

Birdie was nobody's fool.

- Well young Mr. Lincoln,

what do you have
to say for yourself?

- I think I'm gonna
go to bed now.

- Okay, it's been a long day.

Sleep well.

- Died like a trooper.

Never heard a peep out of him.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, next
time we have a fire

remind me to have it catered.

I don't have any
time to drink this.

I gotta get dressed.

Will you call Francine please,

and tell her that
I'm gonna be late?

- Okay.

Alex, what is your problem?

Come on, it's all over.

Francine, hi.

It's Barbara.

Look, my mom's gonna be
a little late for work, okay?

- It's not all over.

- Believe it or
not, we had a fire.

- Barbara, I started the fire.

- Francine, Francine relax.

Nobody was hurt, okay?

- It was me.

I set fire to
Schneider's camper.

I killed Mrs. Cashman's bird.

- Yeah, and it was Alex who
wiped out Schneider's camper

and killed Mrs. Cash...
(audience laughing)

Goodbye, Francine.

- It was an accident.

I was putting out a
cigarette in the camper,

and everything got out of hand.

Say something, please?

- Alex!

How could you do
something like this?

Do you realize the danger
that you put everybody in?

I guess you do realize.

- Barbara, what am I gonna do?

- Why don't you
start by telling mom?

- I'd rather go
directly to Joliet.

(audience laughing)

- This is too big to be
one of our little secrets.

- Barbara, this isn't just big.

This is the worst
thing I've ever done,

maybe the worst thing
anybody has ever done.

All those people out of
their homes, the camper,

all that money, and
now they think I'm a hero.

What can I say to her?

- I don't know.

It's tough, but look.

Whenever Julie and I had a
problem and it was something big

Mom was always
there for us like a rock.

The bigger the disaster,
the bigger the rock.

- No kidding?

- No kidding.

Go talk to her.

- All right.

Maybe I should have
done this yesterday.



- [Ann] What?


You did what?

- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to do it.

It just happened.

- What do you mean
it just happened?

Somebody could have been killed!

- Mom, take it easy, okay?

- Barbara!

All of those people that were
here last night could be dead!

You stood here
like a little Boy Scout

while everybody
patted you on the head.

How could you do that?

- I'm sorry!

- You may be sorry,

but do you know what
could have happened?

- Schneider, I'm sorry!

- Hey, Muchacho.

What's happened?

What's going on, Ms. Romano?

- Schneider, stay
out of this okay?

- Mom, he said it
was an accident.

- Whatever it was, it
was an accident, all right?

(audience laughing)

Are you sorry?

- Come on, Ms. Romano.

The kid's sorry.

- Okay Alex.

Tell him what it is
you're sorry about.

- Oh, what now?

- Schneider.

I'm the one who started
the fire in your camper.

(audience laughing)

Now, I know I was
wrong and all that,

but you see Jeffrey
offered me a cigarette,

and he smokes, and I don't
want him to think I was a baby.

I thought the cigarettes
were out until I saw the smoke,

and I thought I was putting
water on the cigarettes,

but it wasn't
water in the bucket.


- You did the fire?

- Yeah.

- Come here, come here.


You took my keys, and
you went in the camper.

I don't want to see
you around here.

I don't want to see
you around here.

(door slams)

- Well, does that
give you some idea

of the enormity of
what you have done?

- Oh Mom, come on.

Don't you think he's had enough?

- No Barbara, I really don't!

Alex, there's something
called recourse.

You don't think the
insurance company

just hands out checks
for $150,000 do you?

I could be their recourse.

- He said he was sorry.

- My god, Barbara!

You think just
saying you're sorry

is enough to patch this up?

I mean he smoked, he set
fire to Schneider's camper,

he lied, you lied!

Alex, just by being
silent you lied!

I'm at a loss.

I don't know, I'm
completely at a loss, Alex.

- I know!

I know how bad it was!

I know!

- Alex!

- Where have you been?

It's almost 6:00.

- A little something I do to
pass the hours called work.

Alex home?

- He's in his room packing.

He's gonna go to Portland
and stay with his uncle

until his mom can pick him up.


- Barbara, I'm a lot calmer now

than I was when
I left this morning,

but one huge factor remains.

- Right.

He did something
wrong, something awful,

but what are you gonna do?

Strangle him?

Lock him in a
room full of spiders?

- This discussion is closed.

- Mom, do you want
to know what I told him?

I said that whenever
Julie and I had a problem,

something big, something awful,

you were always there for
us, and I was proud of saying it.

What a crock.

- Will you ask Alex to
come out here please?

- What are you gonna say to him?

- I don't know.



- Hi.

- Would you sit down?

I've been thinking
about this all day,

and I can't seem to come up with

a simple, clear
cut, clean answer.

Maybe because there is none.

- I know.

God, I can't even
look you in the eye.

- Look, I know the
fire was an accident.

Do I punish you for almost
burning up a building,

or do I punish you for
smoking in Schneider's camper

and then lying about it?

Two different things, right?

One is monumental,
the other is just very bad.

What would you do?

- I don't know.

The kids at school already
call me Alex the Torch.

(audience laughing)

- How did they find out?

- They were calling me a hero.

They thought I
saved people's lives.

I had to tell them the truth.

- Well, that must have been
a very difficult thing to do.

- It made me sick to my stomach.

See, that's why I'm
going to Portland.

- No.

You are not going to Portland.

You're gonna stay here
and face the kids at school

and the people in this
building and Schneider,

and try to figure out some
way to make it up to them.

- Ms. R what can I ever
say that will make them

forget what I did?

- No Alex, I didn't say
they were gonna forget.

They may never forget.

You could be Alex the
Torch for a very long time,

but at least you
won't be running away.

Your punishment is not leaving.

Your punishment is staying.

- Good evening all here.

(audience laughing)

Please don't nobody say
nothing until I'm finished,

and that nobody means you
Ms. Romano with all due respect.

Alex, I have been trying
to forgive you, and I can't.

When you destroyed my camper

you destroyed a
very good friend.

You also seriously
affected our relationship.

- I think you ought to...
- Please, please.

So, I cannot be your friend,

and I will not be your
friend for one solid year.

(audience laughing)

We can exchange the civilities.

You can say, "Hi
Schneider," I can say, "Hi kid,"

but that's it.

No more ball games.

No more watching
TV down at my place

in front of the hot plate.

No more father and son
talks about private stuff,

so that's what that has to be.

So, this is goodbye
for one year.

That's what I have to do,
that's my punishment for you.


- There may be more
of that sort of thing,

Alex, things for you to face.

First of all...

- If it's raining out or
something like that,

you can say, "Hi
Schneider, it's raining out,"

but that's it.

(audience laughing)

Maybe I'll answer
you, maybe I won't.

- You're gonna have the
authorities to face too, Alex.

Schneider had to tell
the police department,

and the fire people are
gonna have to make a report.

- Don't try to get cute.

Don't try to get sneaky on me.

I mean things like, "Hi
Schneider, it's raining out.

"Let's go for a hamburger."

No, no, no, that's
not gonna work.

Just give me the
weather, period.

(audience laughing)

- And, the insurance people
are gonna have to find out

if it really was an accident.

- All right, all right.

We're gonna need
better ground rules

'cause a year is a long time.

(clearing throat)

- Schneider?


I wouldn't do anything
to you on purpose.


I love you.

(audience laughing)

- I'm sorry, six months.

(audience laughing)

- Alex, I think you've
gone a long way

towards growing up
the last couple of days.

I found out something
about myself.

I couldn't love you anymore
if you were one of my own,

so from now on we're
in it together okay?

- Okay.


- Three months,
that's my bottom line.

(audience laughing)

Two months,
parole in two months.

- I know it's not much, but
the first thing I'm gonna do

is go out and get Mrs.
Cashman a new canary.

- It's a start.

- Listen, maybe
later on I'll take him

for some pizza or something.

(audience laughing)

I ain't gonna do any talking.

We don't do no talking.

Just a pizza, and he
buys his own pizza.

- Hey.

You got something in your eye?

- I don't have
nothing in my eye.

You got, look at your eye.

(audience applauds)

(theme music instrumentals)