One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 15 - Barbara's Crisis - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it come

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time


- Oh mom, how many
people did we invite

to Schneider's surprise party?

Okay, don't answer that.

Let's see, I figured there's
all of us, plus beer belly,

and his two other friends
from the lodge, and Ms. Larue.

I figured nine.

- 1,000.

- Okay, a thousand,
it's your money.

- They say that 1,000
in-place steps is equal to

half a mile and 300 calories.

Why are you making that
cake right in front of my eyes?

- Oh, I just want Mark to
know that he's got a woman

who knows her way
around the kitchen.

Tell you what, mom,
I'm gonna do you a favor.

I'm not gonna offer
you a piece of this cake

for your own good.

You just knocked off 300
calories running your buns off.

- I'll get the milk.

- I also baked a cake
for Schneider's birthday.

Do you think he
suspects a surprise?

- No way, he's been
dropping hints like crazy.

- Oh, poor baby.

I think he's running out
of excuses to come by.

You know, he actually
came over yesterday

to rotate our light bulbs?

- Yes, I know.

This morning, he came over
to see if our ice trays jammed.

I just hope we can hold
him off until tomorrow night.

Let me taste this.

Oh Barbara, this
cake is delicious.

- Well, go easy on it,
mom, I made it for Mark.

- Well, you'd better hide some.

Alex, the mouse
that walks like a boy,

is due home any minute.

- Ah yes, Jaws 3, I better
put a couple of pieces aside.

I promised Mark I'd come by
and see him for lunch tomorrow.

- Ah, ah, no you don't.

You have an appointment
with Dr. Kalin at noon tomorrow.

The nurse called to remind you.

- Oh, that's right my checkup.

I wonder if it's
too late to cancel?

- Hey, you canceled
twice already,

you can't keep doing that.

- And you're not
supposed to eat cake.

(audience laughter)

- Deal.

- Deal, what deal?

You push a piece of cake
aside, and I'm supposed

to go through a full
physical, gynecology and all?

I think Dr. Kalin keeps
those instruments in a freezer.

I'm not too crazy about
the stirrups, either.

- I know, darling, but
if you're a good girl,

maybe he'll let you
wear a cowboy hat.

(audience laughter)

It is important, though,
so tomorrow at noon, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Hiya there, Ms. Romano.

Hey Barbara.

Yeah, the rainy
season's coming along.

I thought I'd come by
and check your ceilings.

- Schneider, we
live on the 4th floor

of a five story building.

- Uh-huh, did you ever
hear of President Reagan's

trickle-down theory?

Man used to be a meteorologist.

What's the matter with you?

- Oh, nothing, I just
have a physical tomorrow,

and I'm not
looking forward to it.

- Oh, I know what you mean.

You should be glad
you're not a man.

I can never cough
when they ask me to.

(audience laughter)

And then they come
ask me for all that blood.

- Schneider, I really don't
think we want to hear about it.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

I remember one time,
this doctor, he comes to me

with a needle the size
of a baseball bat, right.

Like a jackass, he
can't find the vein.

Now he's poking, and
he's jabbing and the vein

keeps slipping away like
a piece of wet spaghetti.

- Schneider, please?

- This ain't gonna
happen to Barbara.

I'm talking about a Navy doctor.

Anyway, needle
breaks off in my arm.

Every time my heart pumps,
the needle goes (groaning).

- Schneider?
- Like a tuning fork.

- Ah, weren't you
about to leave?

- Oh, no rush.

Here, some of your mail got
mixed up with some of mine.

Mailman always has problems
this time of year, you know.

So many birthdays
this time of year.

- Yeah, Schneider,
that's right, you do have

a birthday coming up
just about now, don't you?

- Oh no, I don't think so.

- Oh, I think it's tomorrow.

- Oh my god, it must've
slipped my mind.

- Barbara, Schneider
has a birthday tomorrow.

Schneider, if we don't
happen to see you tomorrow,

happy birthday.

- Have a good one.

- "Have a good one."

Couple pals they are,
happy birthday, toodle-loo.


- Hi, Schneider.


- What?

- Passed me right up, you okay?

- Alex, in the panoply of
life, try to face the world

without a friend is
like trying to milk a cow

with boxing gloves on, you know.

It's tough to get
a grip on things.

- Schneider, what
are you talking about?

- Well, I got a birthday
tomorrow, and nobody cares,

not a soul, nobody.

Que sera la vie, you know?

- Schneider, wait a second.

Come here.

I really shouldn't be
telling you this, but.

- Telling me what?

- Well, you see, we're gonna
give you a surprise party

tomorrow night.

- A surprise party for me?
- Yeah.

- Tomorrow night?
- Yeah.

I got your favorite
stuff right here.

- What have you got?

- Hot dogs,
anchovies, beef jerky.

- Beef jerky, they
remembered beef jerky.

Gonna play pin
the tail on the wall?

Or donkey or whatever.

- Oh Schneider, just remember
you're not supposed to know.

Right, so, Schneider,
don't tell anybody.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, Barbara, I didn't see
you sitting there in the dark.

You okay?

Good, I called you at work,
they said you hadn't come back

after lunch, did
you see Dr. Kalin?

- Mm-hmm, then I came home.

- You did?

I've been calling
here all afternoon,

how come you didn't
answer the phone?

- I guess I didn't feel
like talking to anybody.

- Hey, you okay?


Is it the doctor,
what did he say?

Look, would you
answer me right now?

Or I am calling
Dr. Kalin myself.

- Mom, I just, I don't
know how to say it.

- I gotta tell you, you're
scaring me to death.

- I can't have children.

I can't have a baby.

- I don't understand, why?

- How do I know, I
guess it's not part

of the vast eternal plan.

- Okay, what did
Dr. Kalin say exactly?

- He said that it would
be extremely difficult,

if not impossible,
for me to conceive.

- Just like that?

- Well, we could always
use the words, infertile,

or how do you like barren?

Personally, I think
sterile has a nice ring to it.

- [Ann] Hey, stop that.

- Or I could always go
with empty or useless.

How about misfit or freak?

- Oh, baby.

Okay, alright.

Alright, my sweet, come on.

Oh honey, okay, if you
can, if you can, baby,

try to tell me about it, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay?

- He said I probably have
something called endometriosis.

- Which is?

- That means that
in my particular case,

even with treatment
or possible surgery,

my chances of having
a baby probably fall

in the miracle
category This isn't fair.

All my life, all I've
wanted is to get married

and have children, lots of them.

- What I can't understand is
how he can tell you something

that serious in one afternoon.

- It doesn't take a lab
test to find it out, mom.

Simple pelvic examination
and my future's ruined.

- But you didn't have any
warnings, you had no symptoms.

Honey, I really think we
need to get a second opinion.

- I already did.

Dr. Kalin sent me
right over to someone

who's an expert in this field.

- And?

- She took this ultrasound
test, it's like an X-ray,

and she agreed with Dr. Kalin.

- And now for the
slow motion replay

of the winning touchdown,
and here's the snap.

Royer drops back, Handris
button hooks to the right,

here's the throw.

Reception, brought down
by Mr. Chair in the end zone.


- Listen, you guys, hi.

I'm having difficulty figuring
out which one is the kid

and which one is the grown-up.

- Oh that's easy, the
grown-up is the guy

who's gotta go back to school.

That's for you, gorgeous.

You play your cards
right, I might take you out

to dinner tonight.

And if you're really nice to me,

I might let you mess around.

Handris, on the field
tomorrow, eight o'clock in pads.

- Too bad Mark gotta grow
up, he'd make a terrific kid.

- Alex, why don't you go to
your room and blast the stereo?

- You don't really want
me to blast my stereo,

you just want me
to get out of here.

- Get out of here.

- Okay.

You know, you really
ought to be nicer to me,

I'm at a very difficult age.

- Ah.

(audience laughter)

- What am I gonna tell Mark?

- The truth.

He loves you, darling,
hopefully it's not

gonna make any difference.

- Hopefully?

Mom, he's crazy about kids,
he's said it a million times.

You saw him with Alex.

- Listen to me, if you
think that I'm gonna leave

this thing alone, you're crazy.

We are gonna find
out everything we can

about this condition,
there are fertility clinics.

Honey, doctors come
up with new cures

and discoveries everyday.

- What if they don't come
up with one in time for me?

- Okay, I know that
talking about this right now

is premature.

But there is something
called adoption, you know.

- It's not the same.

- Young lady, look at me.

Look at me.

Now, do you think that I
would love you any less

if I hadn't given birth to you?

Oh, darling, I
know how you feel.

- Oh the hell you do, you don't.

You carried two babies.

Julie is pregnant
right this second.

Why is this happening to
me, am I being punished?

For being a good girl?

- Okay look, I wish
can kiss you and tell you

this is a bad dream, you'll
wake up it'll all go away.

I can't tell you that.

The only thing I can say to
you is that I'm here, I love you

and anything we can do,
anything, we'll do it, okay?

- What's Mark gonna say?

- I don't know.

What would you say if the
situation were reversed, huh?

- I don't know.

- It'll be okay, it'll be okay.

(door knocking) (doorbell)

(audience laughter)

- Hiya, gorgeous.
- Hi.

- Get your coat, I'm starving.

That sounds like I
want to eat your coat.

- Mark?

- You gotta believe me, Barbara,

I don't wanna eat your
coat, your purse maybe.

- Mark, I want to talk to you.

- Oh fine, we can talk on
the way down to Luigi's.

I hope you like Chinese food.

- I wanna talk now.

- Oh, you mean
like, you're serious.

I'm sorry, what is it?

- It's about us.
- Right?

By us, I presume
you mean you and me.

- I've been thinking, and Mark,

maybe you and I
really aren't right

for each other after all.

- Oh well that makes sense.

- Huh?

- Sure, we're crazy
about each other.

I'm reasonably sure of that,
because we keep saying it.

I'm probably the happiest
I've been in my whole life.

Conclusion, we're not
really right for each other

after all, makes great sense.

- Damn it, Mark, can't
you ever be serious?

- Sure Barbara, but you're
not making any sense.

- I can't marry you.

- Oh now that makes sense.

- Mark, stop it.

I can't marry you because
it would not be fair to you.

And if you say that makes
sense one more time,

I swear I'll kill you.

- You're trying to tell me
that you woke up this morning

and you said, "Gee, that's
funny I don't love Mark anymore."

- No, of course not.
- Well then what is it?

Perhaps it's some deep,
dark secret you're not telling me

like maybe you're a
female impersonator?

Boy, that's a
hell of a disguise.

Barb, if that's your real name.

- Mark, you're making
this very difficult.

- What is it?

- I can't have children.

- What?

- I just found out
from the doctor today,

and the chances are too
slim to discuss, so no babies.

Everything we've
talked about, all our plans

are gone, finished.

- Wait a minute, how do
you know this for sure?

Who's the doctor?

- Two doctors, and my mother
already said all the things

you're about to say.

We'll check into it and we
won't quit and all the rest.

Isn't this the place
where you're supposed

to throw your arms around
me and tell me it doesn't matter?

Look Mark, I know you
must be a little stunned,

because I know I am.


Mark honey?

- I'm a great comfort, aren't I?

Yeah I guess I
am a little stunned.

I think I need a little time
to pull myself together.

- Okay.

- I love you.

I'll call you later.

- You know, I'll tell you
this is one of the great

mysteries of the world.

Put eight socks into a
dryer and seven come out.

They should put a
warning on those things,

"Caution, this
dryer eats socks."

- What time is it?

- It's almost eight o'clock.

Mark would call,
he said he would.

- That was last night,
it's been almost 24 hours.

Might as well face
it, I've lost him.

- Look, you gave him
a lot to think about.

Don't jump to conclusions.

- 24 hours is not a
conclusion, it's a fact.

- He'll call, he loves you.

- How could he, I'm not
even a whole woman.

- Ah, I'm not even
gonna dignify that remark

with an answer.

- It's true.

- You honestly believe that
the only value a woman has

is to bear children?

- It's just that
Mark has choices.

Why should he be
punished for the rest of his life

because of my inadequacies.

When I think of all the
women who don't even

want to have children, if only
this hadn't happened to me.

- If only, boy, those...
- Hey, Ms. R.

Well, took a bath.

- That's terrific.

- Shouldn't we be blowing
up balloons or something?

- What for?

- For Schneider's
surprise party.

- Oh, I forgot to tell you,
we called the party off.

(audience groaning)

- How come?

- Something came up.

- But I took a bath.

- The shock will wear off.

- Well, if the party's off, I
think I'll go to the library.

Debbie Nixon hangs out there.

I don't want this
bath to go to waste.

See you later.

- I'm gonna take a walk.

- Want some company?
- No.

This time, I need to be alone.

- Okay, I will accompany
you to the lobby though.

Got another load
of wash to put up.

- Well, I guess nobody's home.

Well I think I'll open the
door with my trusty pass key.

Door's open.

I think I'll come in.

I guess I'd better walk
over to the kitchen area.

I'm approaching
the kitchen area now.

Wow, lo and behold,
there's no one in here, either.

(audience laughter)

You guys are really
good, you're really terrific,

I gotta hand it to you.

Come on, surprise, I know
all about your surprise,

come on out.

I really appreciate you
going through all this trouble

for me, what a nice bunch.

You're the best pals,
best friends I have

in the whole world.

(audience laughter)

You're the best
hungry friends I have.

Some surprise party.

What a bunch of pals.

- Schneider? (yelps)

Schneider, what are you?

- You're supposed to
give me a surprise party,

not a surprise heart attack.

- What are you doing here?

Your birthday, oh
Schneider, you look very nice.

- You like it?

It's my birthday suit.

- Come on, Schneider,
let's have that birthday party.

- Nobody here.
- We're here.

We have presents and everything.

- Can't have a birthday
party with two people.

What kind of presents?

- I baked a cake, and we
have some champagne.

Yes sir, that's what
we need a good party.

- Big presents, little presents?

- Oh Barbara, hi, I'm
really glad you're back.

Hi, Schneider,
you look real nice.

- My birthday suit.

- Oh, your birthday.

- Come on, mom, join the party.

- Listen, I didn't
expect any presents.

I mean, after all.

- You're okay?
- Nope, but I will be.

- You sure?
- No.

- Hi, I wasted
my bath after all.

The library was closed.

I bumped into Mark.

- I got it now, I got it.

You're having my
birthday surprise birthday

by bringing the guests in
one guest at a time, I love it.

- Barbara, I have to see you.

- Okay, fine.
- Now, alone.

- Yes, of course.

Schneider, Alex,
why don't we go in...

- No, no, no, no.

This won't take but a minute.

- I don't believe this,
they got a present

that's so big, they need
two people to carry it.

I don't believe it.

- Let's go.

- Let's light the
candles, let's light.

- Now Barbara, don't say
anything just listen, okay?

I want kids.

Now some guys don't, but I do.

- Mark, please, I
wanted that too.

- Now listen, this is
really tough for me,

so don't say anything.

Now the picture in my head
included you and the family,

not you alone, not me alone.

- I understand that.

- No you don't.

Kids aren't just for
mothers only, Barbara.

Kids are for fathers too,
nobody seems to understand that.

- I know, when you didn't call.

- I didn't call because I didn't
know what I wanted to say.

I got in my truck and I
drove halfway across Indiana

trying to figure out what
in the hell to do about this.

Now, I know.

- It's over.

- Is that what you
think I'm trying to say?

- Mark, please...

- Damn it, Barbara, are
you gonna talk the rest

of our lives, here.

- Oh.

- It was my grandmother's.

When I finally came to
my senses and realized

that the most important
thing in my life was you,

I went and got it.

Barbara, will you marry me?

- Oh, I love you.
- I love you.

So we'll have our
own kids or we won't,

or we'll adopt kids or we won't.

We'll have puppies
or tropical fish.

But we'll be together.

(audience applauding)

- Okay.

- This is gonna work
out twice as good, right?

I mean, I get a party here,
then the guys down at the lodge,

they throw me a party.

I really gotta hand it to
you, I mean, this whole thing

you arrange it like
a real entremanure.

(audience laughter)

Here they come now.

Barbara, just like I was
just telling your mother,

in the great prairie of life,
when you round up the wagons

to fend off attack,
you're lucky to wind up

with just a couple of
friends and your own scalp.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, birthdays are terrific.

(audience laughter)

You know, right now, I'm
probably the happiest person

in Indianapolis.

- Come on, let's
sing happy birthday.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to Schneider

♪ Happy birthday to you

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)