One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 17 - Diamonds Are Forever - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Okay, come on,
you're not ready.

(mumbled protesting)

- Take me to your leader.

- Listen to me.

If Alex is going ice
fishing with Schneider,

I want him warm.

- Mom, you don't even
know if he's in there.

(garbled speech)

- Ugh, ice fishing.

A grown man and a
boy, sitting over a hole,

trying to catch a
shivering sardine.

- It's not just me and
Schneider, Mark's going too.

- Mark?

- He's supposed to be here,
meeting my grandmother.

He never said
anything about ice...

Are you sure?

(garbled speech)

♪ Button up your overcoat

♪ When the wind is free

♪ Take good care of yourself

♪ Holy Mother McCree.

- I hope you're not plannin'
on goin' to the bathroom

in the near future.

- Schneider, it is
pneumonia weather.

I'm not taking any chances.

- Hi, Annie.
- Hello, Mark.

- Hi, honey.

- You're going ice fishing?

- Yeah.

- Well, uh, you know, uh,

you two are getting
married pretty soon

so I though I'd give him one
more crack at the good life.

- What about my grandma?

- Nah. I don't think
she'd like it. No.

- Barb, we'll be back in
plenty of time for dinner.

- She'll be here any minute.

The whole idea was for you
to spend some time with her.

- Now wait a minute.

You said dinner.

And besides, I told you.

I had to study today.

- Study?

- Okay. Let's get going.

The fish are waiting.

Here we go.

- Well, I got to looking at it,

and there really wasn't as
much to study as I thought.

- Mark. I love your priorities.

My grandmother comes first.

Except for studying,
which comes first.

Except for fishing,
which comes first. Right?

- Well?

- You'd rather spend
the day with fish

than with me and my grandma?

- Vamenos, muchachos.

- Look, if it's that
important to you,

I'll stay.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.

You go. You have fun.

One of us has to be flexible.

- Flexible? I'm being flexible.

I said I'd stay.

- Oh, that's not being flexible.

That's being a martyr.

- Uh, Schneider?

Will you make
sure that everybody

is back here in time for dinner?

- Hear that guys?

Back in time for dinner.

About face. Forward march.

- Honey, I'm sorry.

I really am looking forward

to meeting your grandmother.

- I know you are.

- It's just I didn't realize

she would be here so soon.

- It's okay.

You'll be back in
time for dinner, right?

- I'd be very happy
to forget the fishing.

- And I would be very unhappy

if you didn't go.

- See that Mark!

You can make her happy by going.

- Go fishing.

My mother and you
will have plenty of time

to talk to one another.

She can gab until
four in the morning.

- Oh gee. I don't know.

I got a lot of studying to do.

- Just kidding!

- All right, you guys.

Come on.

♪ Off we go, into the wild blue

Where's Alex?

- Over here!

- Alex! What are you doing?

- Cooling off.

- Thank God.

I thought he was
flashing the fridge.

- Will you guys come on?

We're gonna get caught up

in all that church traffic!

- Bye, Mrs. R.

Goodbye, sweetie.

- You sure you don't mind?

- Go on.

- Okay, Schneider?

Home for dinner.

- Home for dinner.

- Dinner!

Have a good time.


- Oh, I feel guilty.

- How come?

- I started that whole
thing about fishing

when he's going
to be back in time

to meet Grandma anyway.

Why did I do that?

- Expectations.

You had this whole picture

of how everything
was going to go today

and then Mark came along

with another picture.

And you are not used
to having to compromise.

- Ohhh.

[Door Bell Rings]

- Here is your
number one turkey.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Okay, where is he?

Where is my future grandson?

- I'm surprised
you didn't see them.

He and Alex and
Schneider went ice fishing.

- Oh, sure.

That's what they call it.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Oh, sweetheart.

Men never go ice fishing.

Oh sure. They buy
all the equipment.

And then they sit
around in an ice shack

and tell lies about women

that they've never known.

And if they
accidentally catch a fish,

they want you to clean it.

- Grandma. Not Mark.

- Aww. Aww, you
poor sweet thing.

I got to her just in time.

- Schneider? When
are the fish gonna bite?

- Alex, let me tell
you something.

The secret to
fishing is patience.

- Oh.

How much patience?

- More than that.

You got to make that bait

look like worms fettuccine.

- Like this?

- There you go.

I mean, look at Mark.

We got all the
patience in the world.

You still alive?

- Huh? Oh.

I'm sorry.

I was just thinking
about Barbara.

I should have been a
little more understanding.

- And any more understanding

and you wouldn't
have made it here.

There we go.

- Yeah. You'd be stuck
in a warm living room

eating Grandma's cookies.

- That is the wrong attitude.

Don't think cookies.

You think fish.

Now Mark, somethings
been sticking in my craw.

I gotta talk to you about it.

I mean, back there in the
apartment with Barbara.

You were almost groveling.

Made me sick to my stomach.

- I wasn't groveling.

I was explaining.

- You don't explain to a woman.

You tell a woman.


You say Barbara,
I am going bowling.

Barbara, I am going
ice fishing period. 10-4.

- Yeah, but what if she says no?

- Then you grovel.

- No lauging matter, pal.

I'm thinking about
Barbara's happiness too.

It's a known fact

women like to be dominated.

Of course, they never admit it,

but I mean they do.

- That's no basis for a
relationship, Schneider.

Are you just against
marriage, in general?

- Of course not.

Marriage is an
American Institution,

like pizza or sushi.

- Anyway, it's very hard
to argue with Barbara.

She's so darn beautiful.

- Beautiful?


- Yeah.

- Oh, she's
terrific and all that.

I just never thought of
her as being beautiful.

That's all.

Of course, you've
never lived with her.

When she washes her hair,

she looks like a drowned collie.

When she takes her makeup off,

her eyes get a couple
of sizes smaller.

- I don't want to hear this.

- In the middle of the night,

she grinds her teeth
in her sleep and...

- Fish!

- So Barbara, since you two
are going to be married soon,

now is when you
have to start asserting

your territorial rights.

See, when Mark said
he was going fishing,

your little chin
should have quivered,

and your big brown eyes
should have filled with tears.

- God. Mother.
That kind of thinking

went out with the dinosaurs.

- Sure Barbara.
Listen to your mother.

After all, she is a
divorced woman,

and I was only
married for 40 years.

Come on honey. Try.

- Oh Grandma.

- I just want to
see if you can do it.

- I can't.

- Come on, come on.

Make your little chin quiver.

And make your big brown
eyes fill up. Wooo. Aww.

Who would say no to that face.

- Don't worry.

I will never use that on Mark.

However, if we ever
need a new refrigerator,

I might try it out on Grandma.

- You're gonna
need a lot of things.

- Yeah. Listen, Mom.

If we ever invite you
over for a nice dinner,

can you bring the silver?

- Sure. And the
table to put it on.

And a house to put it in.

- I don't think
you were kidding.

- I am concerned.

- Mom, how many
times have you told us

that the happiest
times in your marriage

is when you and Dad were
struggling to get started?

- Yeah. But at least
your Dad had a job.

Mark's still in dental school.

- You forgot to add
selling T-shirts on the side.

- Oh but that's not
such a bad start.

Clean teeth and a
shirt on your back.

- Am I having fun yet?

- You are absolutely enjoying

every minute of this.

- Oh.

- Just don't know it yet.

The thing is you
gotta learn to enjoy

the entire ambiance
of being here.

It's not just catching fish.

- Well, I know that.

It's like being
here with the guys

in the wilderness roughing it.

- Yeah. Sitting on 35 feet
of water in an ice shack.

Like the pioneers.

- This is some
rickety old shack.

- If it had indoor plumbing,

I'd move in here with Barbara.

You know, just for fun,

I was out looking
at some houses.

The cheapest thing
I saw was $45,000.

- Was it nice?

- About like this.

- Mark, isn't Barbara
moving in with you?

- I don't want her living

with three other
dental students.

Especially Ingrid.

- You know, kids today.

They want to be independent.

They want to live alone.

A few years back,

they all wanted to
live with their families.

They had a thing
where brothers, sisters,

inlaws, everybody,

was all living together
in one big house,

you know, like an ant colony,

or the Kennedys.

Course I-I never had a house.

Mother and Father did,

but I never had a house.

Not a real one, you know,

with a front door
and a back door

and an attic.

- Well, Schneider.

You never really needed one.

- I know that.

- What did I say wrong?

- Nothing, nothing. I'm sorry.

But it would have been nice

to have been married
for more than a week.

You know, like you and Barbara.

You could move in
with Ms. Romano.

- Yeah.

- You know, sweetheart.

If worse comes to worse,

you always can move
in with Mark's folks.

- Yeah.

- Nah.

- Nah.

- Well, maybe you're right.

- Mom? How much longer
is the turkey gonna take?

- One more hour.

Boy, I hope it
won't be any longer.

- They should be
leaving pretty soon.

- Yeah. I hope so.

I'm not thrilled about
the way it looks out there.

It's gray. Looks
like it's gonna snow.

Hope Alex is warm enough.

- Mom, please.

There's no more clothes
left in that poor boy's closet.

I'm more worried about Mark.

I wouldn't want him to get sick.

- And miss one of the
greatest experiences

known to womankind?

- What?

- Taking care of a
poor, helpless, sick man.

Right, Annie?

It's like having your
own 200 lb baby.

They whine and they
whimper when they have a cold.

And the little darlings always

throw the kleenex
across the room.

And miss the waistbasket.

- And as soon as you
get them settled in bed

with his cough
drops and sports page

and his sick, pathetic face,

he decides that he'd
be more comfortable

on the couch.

- So then you haul him
off into the living room

and you turn on the TV,

and he watches the game.

And there's always a
damn game on somewhere.

- And if you are
very, very lucky,

he will fall asleep.

And you take a look at him
with his hair all messed up

and stubble of a beard

and his mouth hanging open

- And you love him anyway.

- Was that what you
were gonna say Annie?

- Probably.

- I never think about
Mark getting sick.

I would love to
take care of him.

But I've never taken care
of anybody all by myself.

- In sickness and in health.

You ever seen Barbara sick?

What's she like?

- Have an onion.

- Schneider, I'm
talking wedding vows.

You're talking onions.

- What's the difference?

They both take you
out of circulation.


- No thanks, Schneider.

I gotta leave
room for the turkey.

- The turkey?

Dwayne, listen.

We've got to get going.

- What are you talking?

We got plenty of time.

The kid is still fishing.

- Nothings biting.

Besides, I got to get back

before Barbara
thinks I don't care

about her grandmother.

- I'm telling you something.

It's down there and
they're gonna start biting.

- Aint nothing down there.

Those fish are
wintering in Tallahassee.

- Hey!

- Schneider, what
is it? Schneider!

- That's a bite. You got a fish.

- That's a bite.

- Set the hook.
Pull it up and reel.

- It's definitely a fish.

- Mark.


- What?

- You got a bite.

- Ahhh!

- All right. Bring it up.

- Okay.

- Woah.

Woah. There you go.

- I got one!

- I got one too!

- Okay, here.

- Mark, still wanna go home?

- Nah, we got time. We got time.

- Turkey's ready.

Any sign of them yet?

- No, not yet.

And it's really
piling up out there.

- I hope they're all right.

[Phone Rings]

- Hello?


Do we know a trucker
named Wham Bam Sam?

- I'll deny it under oath.

- No. We don...
Oh yes, of course.

I'm sorry.

It's one of Schneider's friends.

He got him by CB.

They have a message for us.


- Are they okay?

- Uh-huh.

Oh, okay. Thank you very much.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

They're still at the lake.

They got caught
in the snow storm

but they're okay.

- They hadn't even left yet?

- If you dry out, I'll kill you.

I wonder how many
times I've had to do that.

- Threaten a dead turkey?

- No. Put a meal
back in the oven.

- Grandma, they just got
caught in the snow storm.

- Ah, ah, ah. First, they
started catching fish,

then they forgot
all about the time,

and then they got
caught in the snow storm.

- But Mark's not like that.

He's a very, thoughtful
and honest person.

- Oh sure he is.

Have you had that
diamond checked?

- Mom. Mother, I have never
heard you so down on marriage.

- Who's down on marriage?

I love marriage.

I just want Barbara to
learn from our mistakes.

Mostly yours.

- Okay, Barbara.

You want to hear a big
whopper of a mistake I made?

When your father
and I were married,

I thought that forevermore,
we were joined at the hip.

Whenever he wanted
to be away from me,

I took it as absolute proof

that he didn't love me anymore.

- Well, I hope Mark stays
and has a wonderful time

and catches a lot of fish.

- Good.

- I'm lying. I want him here.

And I'm tired of being
wonderful about it.

- Aww, Baby.

- Hey, shut that door.

- I shouldn't have
drank so much beer.

- Boy, am I in trouble.

I wonder who I should
give the roses to?

Barbara or her Grandmother.

- Oh, will you stop
talking about roses?

We're up here.

We're having a good time.

Barbara's got to
get used to the fact

that her husband is gonna

spend some time
away with his buddies.

- Schneider, I
hate to shock you,

but I'd rather be
spending time with Barbara

than anyone else.

I don't anticipate a
marriage of going fishing

with the guys.

- I realize that.

But you gotta have some hobbies.

I don't want to
shock you either.

But sex doesn't take that long.

- Ah, good.

At least we're getting
down to what I thought

guys talked about
when they go fishing.

- We got an old
tradition in the Navy.

Want to hear it?

- Got a choice?

- Nope.

When a guy in the
Navy got married,

We used to give him a
big jar and a bag of beans.

Then, beginning
on his wedding night,

he'd put a bean in the jar

every time they made love.

One bean in the jar

every time they made love.

You getting the picture?

- Hard to miss.

- Then starting with
the first anniversary,

every time they made love,

the guy would take
a bean out of the jar.

According to the legend,

no matter how
long you're married,

nobody's ever gotten all
those beans out of that jar.

- I bet you I get
them all out of that jar

before my second anniversary.

- Sure be fun trying.

- You know, my
mother and I never once

talked about sex. Never.

I did mention it once.

Wonder if soap
tastes any better today.

- Well, Mom. You
and I didn't exactly

hold open forums on the subject.

- You know, Mom. You
were pretty good about that.

You told me everything
you knew about sex.

Julie filled me in
on the good stuff.

- I gotta tell ya. I was
a little apprehensive

when I went on my honeymoon.

- You got apprehensive?

I got panic.

I remember throwing the
bouquet at my wedding.

And then one morning,
I woke up and found

this man in bed with me.

He told me that we'd been
married for three weeks.

- Funny. I was realizing
how important everything was.

This time, it was for real.

- This time?

- Not this time, this
time. This time everything.

I didn't want
anything to go wrong.

I remember the first
time your father asked me

to sew a button on his shirt.

- During sex?

- I'm on a different subject.

I never wanted that
button to come off.

I sewed and I sewed
and I stuck myself

and I bled all over his shirt.

- I remember the first lasagna
I made for your grandfather.

It tasted like wet
plaster but he ate it.

He even asked for seconds.

I loved him for that.

- Mark would do that.

- Darling? Don't expect
too much of Mark.

Don't expect him to be

kind and understanding
all the time.

He's human.

Fairy tale
expectations can really,

really get you
in a lot of trouble.

- Oh, honey. It's not
easy being a newlywed.

Believe me.

- Here ya go, pal.

How's that fish, Alex?

- It's good, Schneider.

Wish I had some tartar sauce.

- How about a head waiter
and a bucket of champagne?

- That's okay. This beer's fine.

- Put that down.

You can always tell a guy

that's about to be
married, ya know?

I mean, they just sit there.

They don't say nothing.

- Bet he's thinking
about Barbara.

Mark? You really gonna
let her support you?

- She's not going to
be supporting me at all.

She's just be
helping out a li... a lot.

I don't know.

Maybe the best thing would
be just to put the wedding off.

What am I saying?

And let that beautiful
woman run around loose?

Not likely.

- Here, Schnieder. Where
do you want me to put this?

- Put em in the box over there.

- Over there?

- Or you can put it in the lake.

- I don't know if I want to
talk to you guys anymore.

I mean, you're gonna
think this is silly, but

I have this vision
of Mark and me

walking down life's
path, hand in hand,

towards a lovely little
vine-covered cottage.

- Remember what I
said about fairy tales.

- You know something?

I can't wait to sew the
first button on for Mark,

or cook our first
meal in our own home.

- I'm glad you feel that way.

It's that feeling
that's gonna get you

through the rough times.

- I am so excited
about starting a new life.

Whether I stay home
and be a housewife

or go out and work.

It's knowing that I'm gonna

create my very own home,

make my own mistakes
and learn by them,

and share it with
somebody who I love,

and who loves me.

What's the matter, Grandma?

- I miss that big hunk of mine.

- Awww.

And I miss Ed.

Not Ed, exactly. No.

Someone to share with, you know?

All the good and the bad.

A man who thinks that
I am just number one

in the whole, wide world.

- Mark is definitely
that person for me.

- I think he is too.

- Do you realize
that's the first time

you ever said that?

- Mother's have
a very difficult time

throwing in the towel.

I like Mark a lot.

- Oh, good.

- Yeah. And I want it
to work out for you. I do.

But you're gonna have
to work your tail off.

Marriage is so...

Extraordinarily delicate.

I mean, it can be
upset by something silly.

By how you squeeze
a toothpaste tube.

- Oh, Amen to that.

Your father was the squeezer

and I was the roller.

You know that we fought
about that for years?

Right up until the time
he started putting his teeth

in a glass.

- I'll tell ya something, pal.

Once you find the right girl,

you don't want to lose her.

You may be looking
for the rest of your life.

- I know.

I remember Betty
Bancroft in the third grade.

She wanted to get married.

I said, "No."

Now she's stacked.

- You know, all the
things people say.

That I'm still in school.

I haven't got a job.

Economy's down.

- They're all wrong, huh?

- No, they're right.

At least, too often they are.

You know, three
of my closest friends

have gotten married?

Two of them are
already divorced.

Course they didn't have Barbara.

- Well, Mark.

By the time we get back,

Barbara will be so mad

you don't have to
worry about it anyway.

You'll get divorced
before you get married.

- No.

No way.

Not with Barbara.

She is never gonna
get away from me.

- Okay, okay.

So what are you smiling about?

- Ah, I don't know.

I just feel all warm
and happy inside.

- God, I love that girl.

- I love him so much.

- Our marriage is gonna make it.

- We're gonna make it.

(Audience applause)

(Theme music playing)