One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 9 - Sunday Father - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Um, is it waterproof?
- Oh yes, it's waterproof,
very easy to assemble,
and it also comes in blue.
It's very cozy
inside, I'll show you.
(audience laughing)
- I guess so, huh?
- We'll just look around.
- Dad...
- What are you doing in here?
- Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- Out, now.
- I just saved
her life, that's all.
- [Nick] Hi, Barbara.
- Nick, Alex, hi.
- Hi.
- How's the prettiest
stock boy in town?
- Ah, I've been kicked upstairs.
I'm now executive stock boy.
I get to sell things
at no extra salary.
What do you want?
- Well, I wanna have
my bindings adjusted.
I'm taking Alex
skiing this weekend.
- [Barbara] Oh, that's terrific.
- Oh yeah, it's swell.
- Do you think we can
pick 'em up by this evening?
- Uh, sure, why don't
you just leave 'em
back in the stockroom
and then I'll get 'em fixed
and you can come back over
to my place and pick 'em up.
- Oh, that's great.
That's what I call service.
- Alex, is there
something wrong?
- Are you kidding?
I love my weekends with dad.
- Alex, what do
you think of this?
- It's neat.
- It's yours.
- Dad, you don't have
to keep buying me stuff,
you can't afford it.
- Hey, come on,
how often do I get
to give you presents, huh?
- Every weekend.
- Tell me about it.
- You OD-ing on attention?
- I sure get my share.
Last night dad woke me
up out of a sound sleep
because he wanted to have
a meaningful conversation.
I'm only 12, nothing
meaningful has happened yet.
(audience laughing)
- I mean, how bad
can a skiing trip be?
- The thing is I wanted to go
to the Pacer game tomorrow.
- So tell your dad, I'm
sure he'd love to go.
- I wanted to go
with my friends.
- Oh, I see, just you
and the guys, right?
Hm, well have you thought
about asking your
dad if he'd mind?
- I don't wanna
hurt his feelings.
I mean, we do only get to see
each other on the weekends.
- Alex, look what I
found, a Pacers T-shirt.
Here, try it on.
- Great.
It's great.
It's great.
(audience laughing)
- Where are you going?
- The dressing room.
- Oh no, just flip off your
shirt and try it on here.
- Here?
- [Nick] Yeah.
- I don't have any
hair on my chest.
I feel like a plucked turkey.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Sunday father, huh?
- Yeah.
- Wanna buy a tennis
racket, once used?
- Uh, no, I have one.
- How about a
moped, just like new?
- Can't afford it.
- Neither can I.
Thank god for the swap meet.
Oh, every Sunday, us
part-time parents meet
in the park and we swap.
- Kids?
- No, toys.
You can get almost
new stuff for nothing.
Can't keep buying retail,
gotta save the money
for the old alimony, right?
Oh no, we'd better
get you a larger size,
you're gonna have very
big feet, just like your mother.
(audience laughing)
- Poor guy, doesn't he
know that you can't buy love?
(audience laughing)
- What do you think?
- Um, it's you and then some.
- I really wanted to go to
the game with the guys.
- So tell your father.
- I don't know, he's
a very sensitive man.
His souffle fell the
other night and he cried.
- Just because it fell?
- Just because I suggested
going to McDonald's.
- Oh, well, my final
word is I'd tell him.
- You would?
- Mm-hmm.
- Tonight?
- Sure, why not?
- Great, that sure will be a
lot easier than me doing it.
(audience laughing)
- Alex...
So, he wants to go to
the game with his friends.
- And he doesn't wanna tell
his dad and hurt his feelings.
- Right, he wants me to tell
his dad and hurt his feelings.
- So are you gonna tell Nick?
- No, if everything
works out right,
I'm gonna lay it off on you.
- Son of a gun,
you're wrong again.
- Oh, mom, come on,
you're so much better
at things like this.
I mean, you're so sympathetic
and you're so understanding
and you're a terrific cook.
Mm, mm, this is
good, what is it?
- A facial.
(audience laughing)
- A facial?
- Yes, you see,
honey moisturizes,
eggs tighten, mint
soothes, almonds refine.
- And cookies?
- Taste real good.
(laughing)
Sweetie, I think you
should stay out of it.
It's between Nick and Alex.
- Yeah but, mom, I know
where Alex is coming from,
lest you forget, I too was
the victim of a broken home.
- Ugh, you're breaking my heart.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I wondered if the
skis were ready.
- Yes they are, come on in.
- Ah, great.
Hi, Annie.
- [Ann] Hello, Nick, Alex.
- Hi, Ms. Romano.
- Boy, I hope they fit.
- Right, we'll see.
- Oh, dad, that reminds me,
Barbara wanted to talk to you.
Come on, Ms. Romano,
let's get out of here.
- No, no, Alex, I think I'd
like to talk to you, okay?
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I did just run out of honey,
I gotta go down and
pick up some more.
I'll be right back, okay?
- Hurry it up in there.
I wanna get on the road.
They're having a
weenie roast at the lodge.
- Barbara, you gotta stop him.
The man is talking weenies.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, Alex, look, you
wanna be treated like an adult,
you gotta act like an adult.
And to act like an
adult, you have to tell
your father yourself
about the Pacer game.
- You're copping out.
- No.
Now you just go over
there and be honest.
- Right, honest.
I'll tell him I've got a cold.
You can't go skiing with a...
I'll tell him.
- Okay, I'll be waiting
in the bedroom.
- No no no no, stay, please?
- Oh, okay.
Come on, you'll be
proud of yourself.
- Dad.
- Huh?
(yodeling)
- Think snow.
- [Barbara]
Schneider, not now...
- So, you guys got a big
ski weekend planned, huh?
I brought you a couple of
things you're gonna need.
Some woolen socks, compass.
Pair of splints.
- That's great, Schneider.
- A flashlight, in
case you get lost.
A couple of snowball rackets.
(audience laughing)
And a Swiss songbook,
Yodeling for Health and Help.
- Thanks, Schneider.
- Eh, there ain't nothing
like a father-son relationship.
That's sacred.
- No, Schneider...
- I remember me and my dad,
we used to go tobogganing.
He'd sit in the back,
put his arms around me,
I'd snuggle up to get warm.
We'd go shooting
down that hill, hollering,
whooping, and laughing,
somehow he never spilled a drop.
(audience laughing)
Ah, I really miss
the old guy, yeah.
We should've done
more things like that.
I remember one time...
- Would you stop it, please?
- Yeah, what's the matter, Alex?
- Alex, what's wrong?
- Dad, it's about
our skiing trip.
- Oh well, don't worry about it.
We're gonna be whooping
and a-hollering soon too.
These bindings
fit great, Barbara.
- Oh, terrific.
- Dad, I wanna go to the
Pacer game tomorrow.
- Oh, well why
didn't you say so?
- I didn't know how
you'd feel about it.
- Well, who wants to go skiing
when you can go see a
good basketball game?
It is gonna be hard
to get good tickets,
but don't you worry about it,
old dad can take
care of it, huh?
Just you and me
and the Pacers, huh?
- Me and my dad, we
used to love basketball.
I remember one...
(audience laughing)
I remember once
I talked too much
and I got slapped
with a technical.
(audience laughing)
- Dad, I...
I...
I wanna go to the
game with my friends.
You know, just us guys.
(uneasy groaning)
(audience laughing)
- You mean you wanna be
with your friends tomorrow.
I see.
You mean you would
rather be with your friends
than go skiing with me.
- Look, if you'd rather talk
about this at your place...
- Oh no no, that's fine,
we can discuss it right here.
- Dad, don't get upset.
- Upset?
Who, me?
What do I got to be upset about?
I mean, where is it
written that a father
and a son should
spend time together?
No, actually I
completely understand
your wanting to
be with your friends.
- You do?
- Oh yeah, absolutely.
As a matter of fact, I
think it's a good idea.
It'll give me a chance
to be with my friends.
- It will?
- Yes, you do
understand, Alex my son,
that I have been
missing out on a lot
of prime dating time lately
because I have to spend
all of my weekends with you.
- Mr. Handris, if I may...
- You may not.
- That's exactly why I asked.
(audience laughing)
- Daddy, I didn't
feel that you...
- Just forget about it.
Just do me a favor, will you?
Just go to the game.
- Okay, I'll go.
Thanks for the nothing
advice, Barbara.
- Alex, Alex.
- Watch it, watch it.
- I'm okay, Alex,
Alex, come here, Alex.
(audience applause)
Well, he's gone.
Oh boy, what did I do?
- You got hurt
and you got angry.
- Well, I was really awful.
- It's true.
(audience laughing)
- I agree with Schneider.
- Well, I did get hurt.
I mean, I was angry.
Alex will see it,
he'll understand.
- I hope so.
- Hey, I just saw Alex as I
was coming in, he was crying.
What's going on?
- Well, we had a fight and
I said some stupid things.
- It's true.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Schneider.
Is he still there, Annie?
- No, he's not.
He ran to catch the bus.
He said he was going home
and that you had a date.
- No, I didn't say that.
What I meant...
- See, that was the
stupid part, you know?
I mean, any father
with any smarts at all
would stick with his kid, at
least until he goes to sleep
and then he can go out
with his hot little tootsie,
you know what I mean?
- That's really great.
Why don't you dig me a hole
so I can crawl right in, okay?
- Look, Nick, I'm
sorry about all this,
but I really have
to get back to work.
I'm taking over a night shift.
- I'm going down that
way, Barbara, I'll give a lift.
(gasping)
It needs a little salt.
- No no no.
- Well, let's face it, it's not
your recipe of the month.
(audience laughing)
Look, Handris, the kid
was hurt and he ran away.
Nothing to worry about,
kids been doing that for years.
Usually they stay away
a couple, three hours.
Occasionally, okay, you
may get when he stays away
for one or two days.
Sometimes, you do get 'em
they stay away five or six months.
And then there are
those that never return.
- Ah, Schneider...
- Hey, but what are
we talking about here?
We're talking about Alex.
Alex, Alex is a good kid.
He'll be back in
a couple of hours.
Unless he meets a girl...
(audience laughing)
- Okay, what's
this about a date?
- No, it just came out.
He told me that he wanted to go
to the game with his friends.
- Yeah, I know, Barbara told me.
- Oh, that's terrific, terrific.
Everybody knew
except his own father.
- Hey, come on, he
didn't mean to hurt you.
- Yes, I know, I know,
he's a very nice kid.
I better call my ex-wife
and tell her he's on the way.
You know, she's gonna give
me a C-minus for this weekend.
Hello, Phyllis, it's Nick.
Nick Handris.
Listen, Phyllis, Alex and
I had a fight and I just...
- [Both] C-minus.
- Yeah, well he's on
his way home, Phyllis.
Well, Phyllis, that's
not my problem.
Uncle Harvey is there.
Yeah, Phyllis, why
don't you call me
as soon as Alex gets there?
Great, okay, I'll either be
at my place or at Annie's.
You know the number there?
Swell, okay, bye-bye.
Well, at least I screwed
up Uncle Harvey's weekend.
Annie, was it this hard for
you when you first got divorced?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
I mean, I only have two days
a week to get him to like me.
- More than he likes her.
- Yes, that's true, I
have had those feelings.
- Nick, it's not a
competition, you know.
Hey, you can't win his
love by playing Santa Claus.
- I know.
I'm crazy, Annie, I
almost bought him a car.
(audience laughing)
- Well, my ex-husband
did the same thing.
- There you go.
- Yeah, considering
inflation I should've let him.
- Well, he's on his way home.
If that's the way it's gonna be,
I'm just not gonna
sit around and mope.
I mean, after all,
it's Friday night.
- That's the spirit.
- And there is a little
cafe down by the river
I've been meaning to try out.
- Good idea.
- My kid is safe and
there's no reason
I can't take a pretty
girl out to dinner.
- No, none at all.
- Thank you, Annie Romano.
Hello, Roxanne, it's Nick.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, well, Roxanne I
just wanted to tell you that...
That this call is a mistake.
Well, I'm sorry too.
Okay, yeah, bye.
Who am I trying to fool,
I can't go out on a date.
I'm a mess.
I'm gonna go out for a walk
and just figure
things out, okay?
Um, I'll keep in touch with you.
Thanks, Annie.
(phone ringing)
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
Oh, Mrs. Handris, hello.
Phyllis.
No, Nick's not here.
What?
Alex didn't get home?
Oh my god.
Um, listen to me,
Phyllis, do not worry.
Okay, so that was a
stupid thing to say, I'm sorry.
Yeah, okay, yeah,
I'll be in touch.
I'll try to get him.
Yeah, bye.
- You know, Ms. Romano, I
was really hard on Handris.
I mean, being a father
today (screaming)
(audience laughing)
Excuse me, I
didn't recognize you.
Have you done
something with your hair?
(audience laughing)
- It's a facial.
- Ah, yeah well
for a minute there,
I thought that spinach
omelet blew up in your face.
(audience laughing)
- I gotta find Nick.
He's out there somewhere.
- No problem, he's down in
the lobby with Ms. Williams.
- Who?
- Joyce Williams, new tenant
in 506, good-looking redhead.
- Excuse me, what's
he doing with her?
- Nothing, they're
still in the lobby.
(audience laughing)
All I can tell you
is she's got him
carrying her grocery bags.
- Yeah, well, I gotta go.
- Sh, they just got
on the elevator now.
I can hear that thing
from 100 feet away.
You know, it's a special
grease I use on the tracks.
- Schneider...
- She just pressed number five.
She pressed number five.
See, I can tell each button
has its own distinct squeak.
Blast off, they're gone.
- Schneider, I gotta get
Nick, bring him back in here...
- Why?
- Alex is missing.
He never got home.
- Why didn't you say that?
You never said that.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Annie, what is
all this about Alex?
Schneider told
me that you said...
Oh my god, you look awful.
- Sorry, my groceries, I
just wanted you to hold them
in the elevator...
- Look, Phyllis
called, Alex is missing.
He never got home.
- Oh boy.
- He might be at your place.
- No he's not,
I just left there.
- Now wait a second, we're
getting somewhere now.
He's not at her place
and he's not at your place,
ergo he's gotta
be someplace else.
- Look, I'm really sorry that
my apartment's a mess...
- He could be
wandering the streets.
- Yes, I know that.
Have you done anything about it?
- Well no, not yet.
- Oh that's great, you're
sitting around doing nothing
with that gunk on your
face and my kid is missing.
- Look, she just called.
- My ice cream is going to melt.
- He could be out
there alone in the dark,
wandering alone,
that poor little boy.
When I find him, I'll kill him.
- Oh, that's a good
healthy attitude.
- I gotta put my potatoes...
- I'm gonna call the police.
- You got some of that
gunk on your face, here...
- No, see the point is the
police aren't gonna help
for another three hours.
- How do you know?
- Because I've
been there myself,
both Julie and
Barbara have run away.
- I have tried to
be nice here...
- Just terrific, and I'm taking
advice about kids from you.
- All right now, dammit...
- Wait a second, wait a second,
the kid just needs time
to cool off, that's all.
I remember once, I
had a beef with my dad.
I caught him
cheating me at poker,
so I took the poker chips and
I flushed 'em down the john.
Well, naturally he
gets a little steamed,
so he picked up the fishbowl
and he threw the fishbowl at me.
Well, I ducked and the fish
lands in the corned beef hash.
- I really don't care
about your corned...
- Handris, let me
tell you, will you?
We had hash ala pompano and
we wound up hugging each other.
- Look, right now I
wanna find my kid.
We can hug later,
if he still wants to.
- Oh come on, stop
feeling sorry for yourself.
You know he loves you.
- Yes, I know he loves
me, but he opens up
more to Barbara
than he does to me.
- If the ice cream
melts on the halibut...
- Hey, she's working tonight.
- Hey, Alex knows that.
- I'm on my way.
Now you call Barbara
and tell her to wait for him.
If he's not there, tell
her to look out for him.
- I'm gonna check
the neighborhood.
- Would you hold
onto this, please,
I have to make a phone call.
- Oh thank you,
thank you very much.
I would just like to
get one sentence in.
(audience laughing)
- Sure, mom, I'll
keep my eyes peeled.
Look, it's passed closing,
but I'll wait around
in case he shows up.
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry
the line was busy for so long
but Karen called and
I couldn't interrupt her.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, bye.
- Hi.
- Where did you come from?
- In there.
- You don't have a
friend with you, do you?
(audience laughing)
- Nah, I'm not old
enough for that yet.
- Oh, just old enough to
make your father miserable.
- He's pretty worried, huh?
- Very.
Where have you been all night?
- Drinking, smoking, carousing.
I went bowling.
- Oh, throw a lot
of gutter balls?
- Yeah.
How'd you know?
- Divorce is a major
cause of bad bowling.
So is feeling
sorry for yourself.
- I'm not feeling
sorry for myself.
It's just... - Just...
- My father doesn't
want me around.
Come on, Barbara, he doesn't.
He doesn't care what I do.
- Are you kidding?
He's afraid of losing you.
Alex, I know what
I'm talking about.
My father used to
send me fortune cookies
with his phone
number written inside.
(knocking)
- Don't let him in.
- Why?
- He'll kill me.
- Oh, come on, Alex.
- I'm holding you
responsible, Barbara.
- He thinks you're
gonna kill him.
Are you gonna kill him?
- I haven't decided yet.
- Oh, well, I've got
some stuff to unpack
in the storeroom, so I'll
leave you two alone to talk.
- Well, if you wanted to frighten
somebody, Alex, it worked.
It's dark outside,
it's not safe.
It scared me, it
scared your mother.
- It scared me too.
- That's good,
because you do it again
and your next gift's
gonna be one of these
applied to the
seat of the problem.
- Yes, sir.
But would you
consider badminton?
(audience laughing)
You smiled.
Am I off the hook?
- Am I?
You wanna talk about it?
- If you do.
- Come on, let's sit down.
You surprised me when
you said you wanted
to go to the game with the guys.
I was hurt.
I lost my temper.
- You said you'd
rather be with a date.
- I didn't say rather,
if I'd meant that,
I wouldn't have planned
a weekend with you, Alex.
- Dad, that's the trouble, you're
always planning something.
Look, since the divorce,
being with you has been weird.
You hardly ever
yell at me anymore
or make me do Monday's
homework or just sit around bored,
like we used to.
(audience laughing)
- I don't mean to
seem forced with you.
I mean, I don't
wanna buy your love.
I just feel guilty.
I feel like I've
shortchanged you somehow,
and dammit, I don't know
how to make up for it.
- Dad, you don't
have to make up for it.
I just wanna spend
time with you.
At home, mom's got Uncle Harvey.
With you, it's
gonna be Aunt Tilly,
or some other
dumb name like that.
Wherever I am, I
feel like I'm in the way.
- Alex, don't say that,
don't you ever say that.
You are not in the way.
Not in my life and not
in your mother's life.
(chuckling)
- What's so funny?
- Oh, it's just that you
and I are so much alike.
I feel like I'm in the way.
I mean, I know you're growing up
and you're going out there
and you're making friends
and joining clubs,
and that's great,
that's the way it should
be, I'm proud of you.
And pretty soon you're
gonna be dating Susie Lou
or some other
dumb name like that.
I love you, Alex.
I feel like you're the
only family I've got.
And I wanna put a
fence around you.
But I know I can't do that.
So maybe I'll get myself
a pet poodle or a kitty-cat.
Or a Loni Anderson.
(audience laughing)
- Aunt Loni, it has
a nice ring to it.
I love you, dad.
- Ah.
(audience applause)
(jazzy music)
(triumphant tones)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Um, is it waterproof?
- Oh yes, it's waterproof,
very easy to assemble,
and it also comes in blue.
It's very cozy
inside, I'll show you.
(audience laughing)
- I guess so, huh?
- We'll just look around.
- Dad...
- What are you doing in here?
- Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- Out, now.
- I just saved
her life, that's all.
- [Nick] Hi, Barbara.
- Nick, Alex, hi.
- Hi.
- How's the prettiest
stock boy in town?
- Ah, I've been kicked upstairs.
I'm now executive stock boy.
I get to sell things
at no extra salary.
What do you want?
- Well, I wanna have
my bindings adjusted.
I'm taking Alex
skiing this weekend.
- [Barbara] Oh, that's terrific.
- Oh yeah, it's swell.
- Do you think we can
pick 'em up by this evening?
- Uh, sure, why don't
you just leave 'em
back in the stockroom
and then I'll get 'em fixed
and you can come back over
to my place and pick 'em up.
- Oh, that's great.
That's what I call service.
- Alex, is there
something wrong?
- Are you kidding?
I love my weekends with dad.
- Alex, what do
you think of this?
- It's neat.
- It's yours.
- Dad, you don't have
to keep buying me stuff,
you can't afford it.
- Hey, come on,
how often do I get
to give you presents, huh?
- Every weekend.
- Tell me about it.
- You OD-ing on attention?
- I sure get my share.
Last night dad woke me
up out of a sound sleep
because he wanted to have
a meaningful conversation.
I'm only 12, nothing
meaningful has happened yet.
(audience laughing)
- I mean, how bad
can a skiing trip be?
- The thing is I wanted to go
to the Pacer game tomorrow.
- So tell your dad, I'm
sure he'd love to go.
- I wanted to go
with my friends.
- Oh, I see, just you
and the guys, right?
Hm, well have you thought
about asking your
dad if he'd mind?
- I don't wanna
hurt his feelings.
I mean, we do only get to see
each other on the weekends.
- Alex, look what I
found, a Pacers T-shirt.
Here, try it on.
- Great.
It's great.
It's great.
(audience laughing)
- Where are you going?
- The dressing room.
- Oh no, just flip off your
shirt and try it on here.
- Here?
- [Nick] Yeah.
- I don't have any
hair on my chest.
I feel like a plucked turkey.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Sunday father, huh?
- Yeah.
- Wanna buy a tennis
racket, once used?
- Uh, no, I have one.
- How about a
moped, just like new?
- Can't afford it.
- Neither can I.
Thank god for the swap meet.
Oh, every Sunday, us
part-time parents meet
in the park and we swap.
- Kids?
- No, toys.
You can get almost
new stuff for nothing.
Can't keep buying retail,
gotta save the money
for the old alimony, right?
Oh no, we'd better
get you a larger size,
you're gonna have very
big feet, just like your mother.
(audience laughing)
- Poor guy, doesn't he
know that you can't buy love?
(audience laughing)
- What do you think?
- Um, it's you and then some.
- I really wanted to go to
the game with the guys.
- So tell your father.
- I don't know, he's
a very sensitive man.
His souffle fell the
other night and he cried.
- Just because it fell?
- Just because I suggested
going to McDonald's.
- Oh, well, my final
word is I'd tell him.
- You would?
- Mm-hmm.
- Tonight?
- Sure, why not?
- Great, that sure will be a
lot easier than me doing it.
(audience laughing)
- Alex...
So, he wants to go to
the game with his friends.
- And he doesn't wanna tell
his dad and hurt his feelings.
- Right, he wants me to tell
his dad and hurt his feelings.
- So are you gonna tell Nick?
- No, if everything
works out right,
I'm gonna lay it off on you.
- Son of a gun,
you're wrong again.
- Oh, mom, come on,
you're so much better
at things like this.
I mean, you're so sympathetic
and you're so understanding
and you're a terrific cook.
Mm, mm, this is
good, what is it?
- A facial.
(audience laughing)
- A facial?
- Yes, you see,
honey moisturizes,
eggs tighten, mint
soothes, almonds refine.
- And cookies?
- Taste real good.
(laughing)
Sweetie, I think you
should stay out of it.
It's between Nick and Alex.
- Yeah but, mom, I know
where Alex is coming from,
lest you forget, I too was
the victim of a broken home.
- Ugh, you're breaking my heart.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I wondered if the
skis were ready.
- Yes they are, come on in.
- Ah, great.
Hi, Annie.
- [Ann] Hello, Nick, Alex.
- Hi, Ms. Romano.
- Boy, I hope they fit.
- Right, we'll see.
- Oh, dad, that reminds me,
Barbara wanted to talk to you.
Come on, Ms. Romano,
let's get out of here.
- No, no, Alex, I think I'd
like to talk to you, okay?
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I did just run out of honey,
I gotta go down and
pick up some more.
I'll be right back, okay?
- Hurry it up in there.
I wanna get on the road.
They're having a
weenie roast at the lodge.
- Barbara, you gotta stop him.
The man is talking weenies.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, Alex, look, you
wanna be treated like an adult,
you gotta act like an adult.
And to act like an
adult, you have to tell
your father yourself
about the Pacer game.
- You're copping out.
- No.
Now you just go over
there and be honest.
- Right, honest.
I'll tell him I've got a cold.
You can't go skiing with a...
I'll tell him.
- Okay, I'll be waiting
in the bedroom.
- No no no no, stay, please?
- Oh, okay.
Come on, you'll be
proud of yourself.
- Dad.
- Huh?
(yodeling)
- Think snow.
- [Barbara]
Schneider, not now...
- So, you guys got a big
ski weekend planned, huh?
I brought you a couple of
things you're gonna need.
Some woolen socks, compass.
Pair of splints.
- That's great, Schneider.
- A flashlight, in
case you get lost.
A couple of snowball rackets.
(audience laughing)
And a Swiss songbook,
Yodeling for Health and Help.
- Thanks, Schneider.
- Eh, there ain't nothing
like a father-son relationship.
That's sacred.
- No, Schneider...
- I remember me and my dad,
we used to go tobogganing.
He'd sit in the back,
put his arms around me,
I'd snuggle up to get warm.
We'd go shooting
down that hill, hollering,
whooping, and laughing,
somehow he never spilled a drop.
(audience laughing)
Ah, I really miss
the old guy, yeah.
We should've done
more things like that.
I remember one time...
- Would you stop it, please?
- Yeah, what's the matter, Alex?
- Alex, what's wrong?
- Dad, it's about
our skiing trip.
- Oh well, don't worry about it.
We're gonna be whooping
and a-hollering soon too.
These bindings
fit great, Barbara.
- Oh, terrific.
- Dad, I wanna go to the
Pacer game tomorrow.
- Oh, well why
didn't you say so?
- I didn't know how
you'd feel about it.
- Well, who wants to go skiing
when you can go see a
good basketball game?
It is gonna be hard
to get good tickets,
but don't you worry about it,
old dad can take
care of it, huh?
Just you and me
and the Pacers, huh?
- Me and my dad, we
used to love basketball.
I remember one...
(audience laughing)
I remember once
I talked too much
and I got slapped
with a technical.
(audience laughing)
- Dad, I...
I...
I wanna go to the
game with my friends.
You know, just us guys.
(uneasy groaning)
(audience laughing)
- You mean you wanna be
with your friends tomorrow.
I see.
You mean you would
rather be with your friends
than go skiing with me.
- Look, if you'd rather talk
about this at your place...
- Oh no no, that's fine,
we can discuss it right here.
- Dad, don't get upset.
- Upset?
Who, me?
What do I got to be upset about?
I mean, where is it
written that a father
and a son should
spend time together?
No, actually I
completely understand
your wanting to
be with your friends.
- You do?
- Oh yeah, absolutely.
As a matter of fact, I
think it's a good idea.
It'll give me a chance
to be with my friends.
- It will?
- Yes, you do
understand, Alex my son,
that I have been
missing out on a lot
of prime dating time lately
because I have to spend
all of my weekends with you.
- Mr. Handris, if I may...
- You may not.
- That's exactly why I asked.
(audience laughing)
- Daddy, I didn't
feel that you...
- Just forget about it.
Just do me a favor, will you?
Just go to the game.
- Okay, I'll go.
Thanks for the nothing
advice, Barbara.
- Alex, Alex.
- Watch it, watch it.
- I'm okay, Alex,
Alex, come here, Alex.
(audience applause)
Well, he's gone.
Oh boy, what did I do?
- You got hurt
and you got angry.
- Well, I was really awful.
- It's true.
(audience laughing)
- I agree with Schneider.
- Well, I did get hurt.
I mean, I was angry.
Alex will see it,
he'll understand.
- I hope so.
- Hey, I just saw Alex as I
was coming in, he was crying.
What's going on?
- Well, we had a fight and
I said some stupid things.
- It's true.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Schneider.
Is he still there, Annie?
- No, he's not.
He ran to catch the bus.
He said he was going home
and that you had a date.
- No, I didn't say that.
What I meant...
- See, that was the
stupid part, you know?
I mean, any father
with any smarts at all
would stick with his kid, at
least until he goes to sleep
and then he can go out
with his hot little tootsie,
you know what I mean?
- That's really great.
Why don't you dig me a hole
so I can crawl right in, okay?
- Look, Nick, I'm
sorry about all this,
but I really have
to get back to work.
I'm taking over a night shift.
- I'm going down that
way, Barbara, I'll give a lift.
(gasping)
It needs a little salt.
- No no no.
- Well, let's face it, it's not
your recipe of the month.
(audience laughing)
Look, Handris, the kid
was hurt and he ran away.
Nothing to worry about,
kids been doing that for years.
Usually they stay away
a couple, three hours.
Occasionally, okay, you
may get when he stays away
for one or two days.
Sometimes, you do get 'em
they stay away five or six months.
And then there are
those that never return.
- Ah, Schneider...
- Hey, but what are
we talking about here?
We're talking about Alex.
Alex, Alex is a good kid.
He'll be back in
a couple of hours.
Unless he meets a girl...
(audience laughing)
- Okay, what's
this about a date?
- No, it just came out.
He told me that he wanted to go
to the game with his friends.
- Yeah, I know, Barbara told me.
- Oh, that's terrific, terrific.
Everybody knew
except his own father.
- Hey, come on, he
didn't mean to hurt you.
- Yes, I know, I know,
he's a very nice kid.
I better call my ex-wife
and tell her he's on the way.
You know, she's gonna give
me a C-minus for this weekend.
Hello, Phyllis, it's Nick.
Nick Handris.
Listen, Phyllis, Alex and
I had a fight and I just...
- [Both] C-minus.
- Yeah, well he's on
his way home, Phyllis.
Well, Phyllis, that's
not my problem.
Uncle Harvey is there.
Yeah, Phyllis, why
don't you call me
as soon as Alex gets there?
Great, okay, I'll either be
at my place or at Annie's.
You know the number there?
Swell, okay, bye-bye.
Well, at least I screwed
up Uncle Harvey's weekend.
Annie, was it this hard for
you when you first got divorced?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
I mean, I only have two days
a week to get him to like me.
- More than he likes her.
- Yes, that's true, I
have had those feelings.
- Nick, it's not a
competition, you know.
Hey, you can't win his
love by playing Santa Claus.
- I know.
I'm crazy, Annie, I
almost bought him a car.
(audience laughing)
- Well, my ex-husband
did the same thing.
- There you go.
- Yeah, considering
inflation I should've let him.
- Well, he's on his way home.
If that's the way it's gonna be,
I'm just not gonna
sit around and mope.
I mean, after all,
it's Friday night.
- That's the spirit.
- And there is a little
cafe down by the river
I've been meaning to try out.
- Good idea.
- My kid is safe and
there's no reason
I can't take a pretty
girl out to dinner.
- No, none at all.
- Thank you, Annie Romano.
Hello, Roxanne, it's Nick.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, well, Roxanne I
just wanted to tell you that...
That this call is a mistake.
Well, I'm sorry too.
Okay, yeah, bye.
Who am I trying to fool,
I can't go out on a date.
I'm a mess.
I'm gonna go out for a walk
and just figure
things out, okay?
Um, I'll keep in touch with you.
Thanks, Annie.
(phone ringing)
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
Oh, Mrs. Handris, hello.
Phyllis.
No, Nick's not here.
What?
Alex didn't get home?
Oh my god.
Um, listen to me,
Phyllis, do not worry.
Okay, so that was a
stupid thing to say, I'm sorry.
Yeah, okay, yeah,
I'll be in touch.
I'll try to get him.
Yeah, bye.
- You know, Ms. Romano, I
was really hard on Handris.
I mean, being a father
today (screaming)
(audience laughing)
Excuse me, I
didn't recognize you.
Have you done
something with your hair?
(audience laughing)
- It's a facial.
- Ah, yeah well
for a minute there,
I thought that spinach
omelet blew up in your face.
(audience laughing)
- I gotta find Nick.
He's out there somewhere.
- No problem, he's down in
the lobby with Ms. Williams.
- Who?
- Joyce Williams, new tenant
in 506, good-looking redhead.
- Excuse me, what's
he doing with her?
- Nothing, they're
still in the lobby.
(audience laughing)
All I can tell you
is she's got him
carrying her grocery bags.
- Yeah, well, I gotta go.
- Sh, they just got
on the elevator now.
I can hear that thing
from 100 feet away.
You know, it's a special
grease I use on the tracks.
- Schneider...
- She just pressed number five.
She pressed number five.
See, I can tell each button
has its own distinct squeak.
Blast off, they're gone.
- Schneider, I gotta get
Nick, bring him back in here...
- Why?
- Alex is missing.
He never got home.
- Why didn't you say that?
You never said that.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Annie, what is
all this about Alex?
Schneider told
me that you said...
Oh my god, you look awful.
- Sorry, my groceries, I
just wanted you to hold them
in the elevator...
- Look, Phyllis
called, Alex is missing.
He never got home.
- Oh boy.
- He might be at your place.
- No he's not,
I just left there.
- Now wait a second, we're
getting somewhere now.
He's not at her place
and he's not at your place,
ergo he's gotta
be someplace else.
- Look, I'm really sorry that
my apartment's a mess...
- He could be
wandering the streets.
- Yes, I know that.
Have you done anything about it?
- Well no, not yet.
- Oh that's great, you're
sitting around doing nothing
with that gunk on your
face and my kid is missing.
- Look, she just called.
- My ice cream is going to melt.
- He could be out
there alone in the dark,
wandering alone,
that poor little boy.
When I find him, I'll kill him.
- Oh, that's a good
healthy attitude.
- I gotta put my potatoes...
- I'm gonna call the police.
- You got some of that
gunk on your face, here...
- No, see the point is the
police aren't gonna help
for another three hours.
- How do you know?
- Because I've
been there myself,
both Julie and
Barbara have run away.
- I have tried to
be nice here...
- Just terrific, and I'm taking
advice about kids from you.
- All right now, dammit...
- Wait a second, wait a second,
the kid just needs time
to cool off, that's all.
I remember once, I
had a beef with my dad.
I caught him
cheating me at poker,
so I took the poker chips and
I flushed 'em down the john.
Well, naturally he
gets a little steamed,
so he picked up the fishbowl
and he threw the fishbowl at me.
Well, I ducked and the fish
lands in the corned beef hash.
- I really don't care
about your corned...
- Handris, let me
tell you, will you?
We had hash ala pompano and
we wound up hugging each other.
- Look, right now I
wanna find my kid.
We can hug later,
if he still wants to.
- Oh come on, stop
feeling sorry for yourself.
You know he loves you.
- Yes, I know he loves
me, but he opens up
more to Barbara
than he does to me.
- If the ice cream
melts on the halibut...
- Hey, she's working tonight.
- Hey, Alex knows that.
- I'm on my way.
Now you call Barbara
and tell her to wait for him.
If he's not there, tell
her to look out for him.
- I'm gonna check
the neighborhood.
- Would you hold
onto this, please,
I have to make a phone call.
- Oh thank you,
thank you very much.
I would just like to
get one sentence in.
(audience laughing)
- Sure, mom, I'll
keep my eyes peeled.
Look, it's passed closing,
but I'll wait around
in case he shows up.
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry
the line was busy for so long
but Karen called and
I couldn't interrupt her.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, bye.
- Hi.
- Where did you come from?
- In there.
- You don't have a
friend with you, do you?
(audience laughing)
- Nah, I'm not old
enough for that yet.
- Oh, just old enough to
make your father miserable.
- He's pretty worried, huh?
- Very.
Where have you been all night?
- Drinking, smoking, carousing.
I went bowling.
- Oh, throw a lot
of gutter balls?
- Yeah.
How'd you know?
- Divorce is a major
cause of bad bowling.
So is feeling
sorry for yourself.
- I'm not feeling
sorry for myself.
It's just... - Just...
- My father doesn't
want me around.
Come on, Barbara, he doesn't.
He doesn't care what I do.
- Are you kidding?
He's afraid of losing you.
Alex, I know what
I'm talking about.
My father used to
send me fortune cookies
with his phone
number written inside.
(knocking)
- Don't let him in.
- Why?
- He'll kill me.
- Oh, come on, Alex.
- I'm holding you
responsible, Barbara.
- He thinks you're
gonna kill him.
Are you gonna kill him?
- I haven't decided yet.
- Oh, well, I've got
some stuff to unpack
in the storeroom, so I'll
leave you two alone to talk.
- Well, if you wanted to frighten
somebody, Alex, it worked.
It's dark outside,
it's not safe.
It scared me, it
scared your mother.
- It scared me too.
- That's good,
because you do it again
and your next gift's
gonna be one of these
applied to the
seat of the problem.
- Yes, sir.
But would you
consider badminton?
(audience laughing)
You smiled.
Am I off the hook?
- Am I?
You wanna talk about it?
- If you do.
- Come on, let's sit down.
You surprised me when
you said you wanted
to go to the game with the guys.
I was hurt.
I lost my temper.
- You said you'd
rather be with a date.
- I didn't say rather,
if I'd meant that,
I wouldn't have planned
a weekend with you, Alex.
- Dad, that's the trouble, you're
always planning something.
Look, since the divorce,
being with you has been weird.
You hardly ever
yell at me anymore
or make me do Monday's
homework or just sit around bored,
like we used to.
(audience laughing)
- I don't mean to
seem forced with you.
I mean, I don't
wanna buy your love.
I just feel guilty.
I feel like I've
shortchanged you somehow,
and dammit, I don't know
how to make up for it.
- Dad, you don't
have to make up for it.
I just wanna spend
time with you.
At home, mom's got Uncle Harvey.
With you, it's
gonna be Aunt Tilly,
or some other
dumb name like that.
Wherever I am, I
feel like I'm in the way.
- Alex, don't say that,
don't you ever say that.
You are not in the way.
Not in my life and not
in your mother's life.
(chuckling)
- What's so funny?
- Oh, it's just that you
and I are so much alike.
I feel like I'm in the way.
I mean, I know you're growing up
and you're going out there
and you're making friends
and joining clubs,
and that's great,
that's the way it should
be, I'm proud of you.
And pretty soon you're
gonna be dating Susie Lou
or some other
dumb name like that.
I love you, Alex.
I feel like you're the
only family I've got.
And I wanna put a
fence around you.
But I know I can't do that.
So maybe I'll get myself
a pet poodle or a kitty-cat.
Or a Loni Anderson.
(audience laughing)
- Aunt Loni, it has
a nice ring to it.
I love you, dad.
- Ah.
(audience applause)
(jazzy music)
(triumphant tones)