One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 10 - November Song: Part 1 - full transcript
Schneider falls for a younger woman who also wants her freedom.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- Why am I ironing?
I hate ironing.
I don't even how to iron.
(whistling)
One shirt, just this one
shirt that is all I am doing.
- Come on, Annie,
you won the toss.
You should be
glad you don't have
to go to this dumb meeting.
Just pay attention
to what you're doing.
That's the only shirt I
have left that's not scorched.
(Barbara groans)
- What's the matter, honey?
You okay?
- I'm fine, yes.
My big toe just died.
What is Schneider's tool
belt doing next to my bed?
- I don't know.
He went in there to
fix your bed frame.
He must have left it.
- Schneider left his tool belt?
- He didn't tighten
the frame either.
- That is not like Schneider.
- No, he's really been
acting weird lately.
- I know, I met him
in the hall and said,
"Good evening, Schneider."
And he said,
"Little do you know."
Would you please
hurry up with my shirt?
Oh, I'm sorry, Annie.
I just have to go home and
I have to polish my shoes.
Say you wouldn't
mind... (Ann groans)
No, I didn't think so.
I tell you what, don't
rush with that shirt.
I'm gonna go home
and shower first
and then send Alex
to get the shirt, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, bye bye.
- [Ann] Bye.
- You look kind of
cute behind that iron.
I seem to be saying
all the wrong things.
See ya.
- (laughs) Bye.
- You know, I really think
something happening
with Schneider.
- Yeah, you're right.
Mr. Peabody said he
saw a sexy chick going
into Schneider's room.
- Oh come on, Mom,
what does that prove?
To Mr. Peabody,
you'd be a sexy chick.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I really
didn't need that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That came out
differently that I planned.
Schneider never leaves
his tool belt around.
Something's up.
- I know but whatever it
is, it's none of our business.
- Right.
- Right.
- Right.
Why don't I take it down there
and see what I can find out?
- Good idea.
(knocking)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is Schneider in?
- Yes, he is.
- I'm Barb Cooper, he left
his tool belt in my bedroom.
I mean, he was working
on my bed, the frame.
- Come on in.
Schneider's in the john.
- Okay.
- I'm Jeannie Foster.
- Hi.
- Schneid!
- [Schneider] Be
out in a minute, baby.
- How long have you
known Schneider?
- Five crazy off the wall days.
- Oh, I see.
- [Schneider] Hey, let's try
that lovely lilac
bubble bath tonight.
- Schneid.
- Look, I really should
be getting out of here.
- [Jeannie] No, no, that's okay.
- What a great idea.
Bubble bath, yeah.
- Schneider.
- You really gotta hand it
to the Japanese, you know.
They know, they really know.
Hey, hi there, Barbara.
(screams) Barbara!
Barbara, I want you
say hello to Jeannie.
Jeannie, this is Barbara.
This is bad, bad, bad.
- Yeah Schneider, we've met.
- Don't put your
pants on lying down.
- Honey, put on some
beer and bubble bath.
I mean, some beer and cheese.
- No, really, thank you.
I gotta go.
- Listen... Ow, ow!
- Jeannie, nice to have met you.
- [Jeannie] Same here.
- Okay, have a nice bath.
Oh, day, whatever.
- This is a catastrophe.
- But why?
- Well, she's gonna
go upstairs tell her mom
that all we have is
an x-rated relationship.
- Schneider, our
relationship is terrific.
You know it and I know it
and that's all that counts.
- I know, I know.
But Barbara's gonna jump
to the wrong conclusion.
I gotta get up there.
I got any lipstick on?
- No, you don't have
any clothes on either.
- Oh, clothes, yeah.
- It's a woman.
- Well, almost.
She's my age.
- What?
- She's my age.
- Schneider is
dating a teenager?
- She can't be much more.
- Maybe she's his
niece or something.
- Well if she is,
Uncle Schneider is
giving her a bubble bath.
- Okay, what's she like?
- Well, her name's Jeannie.
She's very nice, pretty,
young, good figure.
I don't understand it.
- What's not to understand?
- Oh, he I can.
She, I can't.
- Now hold it.
Now hold it.
Hold it, just hold it now.
It's not what you think.
I mean, I know
what it looks like
but that's just the
way it appears.
So don't even think that.
What are you thinking?
- Nothing, no, nothing.
I mean, Barbara just
happened to mention
that you have a young, very
lovely young girlfriend, young.
- It's lies, it's all lies.
We are not living together.
- Schneider, I didn't say that.
- We just maybe had
one bubble bath together.
- Oh Schneider, come on now.
This is none of our business.
- Yeah, I know.
All right, two, two at the most.
- Look, you really don't have
to tell us about any of this.
- Unless you want to.
- Unless you want to.
- Well, granted, she
appears a tad young
but I mean, how young is young?
How old is young?
- 25.
- 38.
- Look, is age judged by
the calendar on the wall
or the clock in your heart?
- Well, we'll settle for the
date on a driver's license.
- What's the difference
what her age is anyway?
She's a very mature woman.
She's tasted the vagaries
of life's experiences.
- At 20?
- 20?
Bite your tongue!
What do you think I'm crazy?
She's 22.
What are you so hung
up on age for anyway?
I mean, you know as well as I do
that a man is naturally
younger than a woman.
I mean, how else could
a sheik satisfy a harem?
A bull, a herd, a bunny,
a hutch, a rooster,
a gaggle, a gelding, a stable?
- Schneider, look...
- All it is Miss Romano is
we have a lot of fun together.
We go shuffleboarding
and bowling.
Next week we're gonna try bingo.
- Schneider, look, you
are a sensible person.
And a good friend of
ours, this is your business.
- I appreciate that.
See, I just didn't want you
to think that it was nothing,
nothing but sex.
- Of course not.
- On the other hand,
the way the good Lord
has made the universe.
- So, in a matter of speaking,
you're just doing
the Lord's work.
(audience laughs)
- Amen.
- So, how did you
meet this woman?
- On interstate 70,
her motor stopped.
- Seems okay now.
(audience laughs)
- Will you knock it off please?
I gave her a tow.
She sat up front with me.
We had a nice conversation.
She was very intelligent.
She knew a lot about
sports and I made her laugh.
I wasn't even on the mate.
I couldn't believe myself.
- Yeah, well, good
Samaritans don't fool around.
- That's why they're
almost extinct.
- So anyway, the
guy down at the shop,
he said that it would
take a couple three days
so we got all of her stuff
and we dropped
it off at her place.
We went out, had
a couple of beers,
and we been
hanging out ever since.
- Well Schneider, she
does seem very nice.
- Yeah, I tell ya,
Barbara, for the first time
in my life maybe
ever, I had this feeling
of just wanting to
be with somebody
just for the sake
of being with them.
- That's lovely, Schneider.
It's also sounds serious.
- Ooh, yeah.
Better watch out, maybe
she's out to marry you.
- (nervously laughs) Marriage?
What are you kidding?
Marriage, that's not even in
today's woman modus operandi.
(doorbell rings)
That's probably Jeannie now.
She wants to meet you.
- Hi Barb.
- Boy, she's short.
Looks a lot like Alex too.
Hey Miss Romano, Will Schneider.
- Hiya kid.
- Miss Romano, my dad
said he left his shirt over here.
- Oh, well, you know
us modern women.
- You through ironing it yet?
- Oh, Alex, you just
ruined a great rumor.
- Ah, Alex. (doorbell rings)
- Oh, I betcha that's
Jeannie now, yeah.
- Hi Jeannie, come on in.
- Hi.
- Mom, this is Jeannie,
Schneider's Jeannie.
- Hi, I'm Ann and
this is Alex Handris.
- Hi Alex.
- Hi.
Schneider, I didn't
know you had a daughter.
- I don't have a daughter.
(audience laughs)
- Your niece?
- Alex, Mr. Schneider and
I are just very good friends.
- Oh, well he's lucky.
You're real nice.
- Thank you.
- Alex, why don't you take
that shirt to your father, huh?
- Oh, right, thanks
Miss Romano, I'll see ya.
- You bet, bye bye.
- How old are you?
- 22.
- It's a number,
that's all it is.
It's number, 110, five, 15, 20.
- Listen, Beerbelly phoned.
He said it was urgent.
Something about
your row boat leaking.
- Oh, that's about as
urgent as my next manicure.
I'll call him later.
- Jeannie, why don't you
come in and sit down?
- Yeah, come on.
- Oh, thank you.
- So, what is it you do?
- I'm a photographer.
- A photographer, really?
That sounds fascinating.
Freelance?
- Mostly, I have several
regular customers, mostly zoos.
Do a lot of wildlife.
- I'm her next subject.
- Well, sounds like you
must do a lot of traveling.
- Oh, yeah, I
think I'll crisscross
the country four or five
times in the next year.
- Talk about footloose
and fancy free.
- Of course, if she ever
wanted to set up in Indianapolis,
she could do birthday parties
'cause kids are animals too.
- You know Jeannie,
I really like your hair.
Oh thanks, I've been thinking
of doing it like Stevie Nicks.
- The way it is now?
- Oh, no, the way it was
on the Rumors album.
- Oh yeah, I'd like it there
but the way it is on the
Tusk album is a little bit weird.
- Oh, wait a second, I've
never heard of any guy
having hair as lovely as this.
- Schneider, Stevie
Nicks is a woman.
- He is?
- Yes, with Fleetwood
Mac, it's a rock group.
- Oh yeah, I know that.
I know that, a rock
group, sure, sure.
You like that kind of music?
- Who doesn't?
- Yeah, right, who doesn't?
I mean, yeah, I really dig it.
♪ Hound dog (audience laughs)
I really, that's way
far out that stuff.
Look, I better call Beerbelly.
- I thought you
said it wasn't urgent.
- Well, you know my buddy.
Sometimes a beer in a
belly is worth two in a bush.
Let's go, Jeannie.
- Well, it was nice meeting you.
- You bet.
- Bye Barbara.
- Bye.
Bye bye.
- Schneider, what's the matter?
Did I saying something
in there to embarrass you?
- The only thing that embarrassed
me in there was myself.
- What are you saying?
- Well, looking at you and
Barbara in there together,
I just flashed on how
young you really are.
You're just a kid.
This thing with me,
this is ridiculous.
This is not for you.
- I think it is.
- Well, Jeannie, it's not.
- Schneider, we've been
together almost constantly
since we met, right?
- Yeah.
- And it's been pretty
terrific up till now, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Schneider, we've got it all.
Fireworks, laughs,
good times, quiet times.
Do you have any
idea what that means?
When has that ever
happen to you before?
- Well, I don't know.
Never.
- Me neither.
And the best of
it is no strings.
- That's right, no strings.
- Would you mind if
I moved in with you?
(audience laughs)
- I can't believe this,
you got that close?
- Telephoto lens.
- I don't think I'd take
this with a spy satellite.
That's really terrific.
- Thank you.
- Oh here, let me help you.
- Oh thanks, you
don't have to do that.
- Oh come on, how else am I
gonna find out what you have?
Tell me, Jeannie,
well, what's it like?
I mean, being with a
man like Schneider?
- You mean sex?
- No, no, no, no.
Unless you need
to talk about it.
I mean, it's not that I care.
It's just that some
of the other women
in the building are wondering.
- Well, let's just
say he's wonderful.
Just like it would be
with a guy your own age.
- That's not much help.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what he does
first thing in the mornings?
- No, what?
- Drinks cabbage juice.
- I don't think I read
that in the joy of sex.
Does it help him?
- I don't know but
he thinks it does
and that's what counts.
- Hi Schneider.
- Hi there ladies.
- We were talking about you.
- Haven't been giving away
any of my secrets, have you?
- Secrets, to me?
No, no secrets, none whatsoever.
So tell me, just what exactly
does cabbage juice do?
- I'm not sure exactly
but if it's good
enough for rabbits...
So, you have been giving
away my secrets, huh?
You may have to pay the penalty.
- Good.
(laughs)
- No, really, I can't
stay, there's the door
so I'll see myself out.
Nice seeing you guys.
- Ah, you're beautiful.
- We gotta face facts.
(audience laughs)
- Are you hungry?
- Only for you.
- What about food?
- Yeah, that too.
- I hope you like it.
- Listen, you could feed
me scraps and I'd like it.
Anything you cook is
like beef bouillabaisse to
(audience laughs)
What the hell is this?
- It's eggplant and
brown rice casserole
with sunflower seeds
in a soybean base.
- Where's the meat?
- No meat.
- How about potatoes?
- You won't find any.
- No meat, no potatoes?
Just this bunny food?
What have you got
sprinkled all over the salad?
- Desiccated liver.
- Cow had a drinking problem?
- Laugh if you will but
the healthiest animals
on this planet are
all vegetarians.
- Oh sure, lions, tigers, and
leopards, they don't eat meat.
- I'm talking about
monkeys and chimps.
- Monkeys?
You got a thing for monkeys?
Don't move.
(audience laughs)
(Jeannie laughs)
- Oh, I adore primitive men.
- Piquant body,
pert, yet defiant.
So if I get all my fishing
gear together now,
I won't wake you
up in the morning.
- What time are you leaving?
- 3:30.
Listen, Jeannie, I had some
bass plugs, some bass lures.
Did you see them?
- Soap dish in the john.
- Ah, thank you.
Hey, I'm gonna freshen up.
How could a guy not love you?
I mean, here I am
going off fishing,
hanging out with the
guys, leaving you alone,
you don't even mind, I
mean, you even encourage it.
Young people today,
they've got the right idea.
Open relationships.
- It's no big deal, Schneid.
I don't want to
change your life.
Besides it's only one day.
- [Schneider] I mean, we
think alike, we act alike,
our attitudes our opinions,
our whole approach to life
couldn't be more identical.
- Absolutely.
- What's the matter, kid,
you got a frog in your throat?
Thing is, we both
think young, now, today.
The hell is that smell?
I bet it's that roach killer
I sprayed this morning.
- Here, Schneid.
- Nope, nope.
I don't smoke
cigarettes in the evening,
it dulls my senses
for the game shows.
- Come on, Schneid,
this is good stuff.
- Good stuff.
- Schneider, you never
smoked one of these before.
- (laughs) Don't be
silly, are you kiddin?
I've sailed all over the world,
I've done everything
there is to be done.
That stuff is not new to me.
That's dandelions,
dandelions to me.
- Fine, have a dandelion.
- Listen, when you do that,
you should have the mood.
The mood, hun.
See, that should
really be set...
Let me set the mood here.
Don't look, Duke.
Let me move these
pansies over here.
A little pocket of
chlorophyll there.
Ah, let me.
There we go.
Yeah, now.
Yeah.
- Now?
- I have a lovely
black and white kaftan.
Let me go...
- Schneider.
You don't have to smoke
it if you don't want to.
- What do you mean
if I don't want to?
Of course, here, give me that.
I'll take a knock.
(audience laughs)
Oh, okay.
Let's see here.
Ah!
- What are you doing?
- Quiet now, that's the
way it's done in Siam.
(knocking)
Just a minute, Officer!
What am I gonna do with this?
- In the john.
(audience laughs)
- All right, I know how
to handle these guys.
So don't worry.
Okay, okay, be cool, be cool.
Okay.
Barbara, it's Barbara!
It's little Barbara.
Barbara, come in here, Barbara.
It's Barbara.
Boy, oh boy.
Am I glad to see you.
- You are?
- Sure.
- Oh, well, we just got
our laundry mixed up
so I'd thought I'd come
down and sort it out.
- (nervously laughs)
The laundry mixing up.
- I think this is your towel.
- Thank you.
- What is that smell?
- That's pine spray.
- Pine spray?
- Yeah, for the cooking
odors, you know?
- Oh, I see.
What'd you have for dinner?
Pot roast?
- Strictly a vegetarian.
- Oh, yeah, I see.
No meat, just grass, right?
- I don't think we're
fooling her, Schneid.
- Yeah, well, I'm not
looking to fool anybody.
I mean, after all we
are consulting adults.
- Look, smoke if you want,
personally I think it's wrong.
- Believe me, he doesn't
have a long history of it.
(knocking)
- Oh, they got here
anyway, the cops.
Okay, all right, I got this one.
I'll take care of it.
Everybody just relax.
- Fred!
- Muffin.
- Muffin?
- Maybe he works for a bakery?
- Come on in.
Give me that, come on.
I'd like you to meet my
old friend, Brad Donahue.
Brad, this is Barbara Cooper.
This is my guy.
- How you doing?
- Fine, how are ya?
- Fine, thanks.
- Dwayne Schneider.
So, you and Muffin
been friends long?
- Yeah, since high school.
- High school friends?
- We shared
expenses for awhile too.
- Expenses?
- Yeah, and we've
shared some assignments.
- Oh, you shared assignments?
- Oh yeah, Brad's a
photographer too, a very good one.
Come on, sit down.
- Give me your jacket.
- Oh, thanks.
- Whatcha been
doing with yourself?
- Well, right now I'm
headed up to Montana.
Gonna do any article
on bighorn sheep.
- Ooh, sounds cold.
- Yeah, they tell
me up in Montana
the snow is as high
as an elephant's thigh.
- So how long you
gonna be in town?
- Oh, just a couple of nights.
- Oh, wow, really?
I think Barbara is
free this weekend.
- Schneider.
Well, laundry's all
sorted and it's late
and my mom's
waiting for her pajamas.
Well, nice to have
meet you, Brad.
- Right.
- Really Schneider.
- Listen, I can't really
stay too long either.
I've gotta find a place to flop.
- Oh, you just got here.
Why don't you spend
the night here, okay?
Okay, Schneid?
- What?
- Well, he can sleep here.
- Yeah, well, he could except
we only have the one bed.
- He can use the sleeping bag.
- Unfortunately, I
lent that Beerbelly.
- Well, he must've returned it.
It's in the closet.
- Oh great, are you
sure you don't mind?
- It's terrific.
- [Announcer] Please
tune in next week
for the concluding
episode of November Song.
(audience applauds)
(cheerful music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- Why am I ironing?
I hate ironing.
I don't even how to iron.
(whistling)
One shirt, just this one
shirt that is all I am doing.
- Come on, Annie,
you won the toss.
You should be
glad you don't have
to go to this dumb meeting.
Just pay attention
to what you're doing.
That's the only shirt I
have left that's not scorched.
(Barbara groans)
- What's the matter, honey?
You okay?
- I'm fine, yes.
My big toe just died.
What is Schneider's tool
belt doing next to my bed?
- I don't know.
He went in there to
fix your bed frame.
He must have left it.
- Schneider left his tool belt?
- He didn't tighten
the frame either.
- That is not like Schneider.
- No, he's really been
acting weird lately.
- I know, I met him
in the hall and said,
"Good evening, Schneider."
And he said,
"Little do you know."
Would you please
hurry up with my shirt?
Oh, I'm sorry, Annie.
I just have to go home and
I have to polish my shoes.
Say you wouldn't
mind... (Ann groans)
No, I didn't think so.
I tell you what, don't
rush with that shirt.
I'm gonna go home
and shower first
and then send Alex
to get the shirt, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, bye bye.
- [Ann] Bye.
- You look kind of
cute behind that iron.
I seem to be saying
all the wrong things.
See ya.
- (laughs) Bye.
- You know, I really think
something happening
with Schneider.
- Yeah, you're right.
Mr. Peabody said he
saw a sexy chick going
into Schneider's room.
- Oh come on, Mom,
what does that prove?
To Mr. Peabody,
you'd be a sexy chick.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I really
didn't need that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That came out
differently that I planned.
Schneider never leaves
his tool belt around.
Something's up.
- I know but whatever it
is, it's none of our business.
- Right.
- Right.
- Right.
Why don't I take it down there
and see what I can find out?
- Good idea.
(knocking)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is Schneider in?
- Yes, he is.
- I'm Barb Cooper, he left
his tool belt in my bedroom.
I mean, he was working
on my bed, the frame.
- Come on in.
Schneider's in the john.
- Okay.
- I'm Jeannie Foster.
- Hi.
- Schneid!
- [Schneider] Be
out in a minute, baby.
- How long have you
known Schneider?
- Five crazy off the wall days.
- Oh, I see.
- [Schneider] Hey, let's try
that lovely lilac
bubble bath tonight.
- Schneid.
- Look, I really should
be getting out of here.
- [Jeannie] No, no, that's okay.
- What a great idea.
Bubble bath, yeah.
- Schneider.
- You really gotta hand it
to the Japanese, you know.
They know, they really know.
Hey, hi there, Barbara.
(screams) Barbara!
Barbara, I want you
say hello to Jeannie.
Jeannie, this is Barbara.
This is bad, bad, bad.
- Yeah Schneider, we've met.
- Don't put your
pants on lying down.
- Honey, put on some
beer and bubble bath.
I mean, some beer and cheese.
- No, really, thank you.
I gotta go.
- Listen... Ow, ow!
- Jeannie, nice to have met you.
- [Jeannie] Same here.
- Okay, have a nice bath.
Oh, day, whatever.
- This is a catastrophe.
- But why?
- Well, she's gonna
go upstairs tell her mom
that all we have is
an x-rated relationship.
- Schneider, our
relationship is terrific.
You know it and I know it
and that's all that counts.
- I know, I know.
But Barbara's gonna jump
to the wrong conclusion.
I gotta get up there.
I got any lipstick on?
- No, you don't have
any clothes on either.
- Oh, clothes, yeah.
- It's a woman.
- Well, almost.
She's my age.
- What?
- She's my age.
- Schneider is
dating a teenager?
- She can't be much more.
- Maybe she's his
niece or something.
- Well if she is,
Uncle Schneider is
giving her a bubble bath.
- Okay, what's she like?
- Well, her name's Jeannie.
She's very nice, pretty,
young, good figure.
I don't understand it.
- What's not to understand?
- Oh, he I can.
She, I can't.
- Now hold it.
Now hold it.
Hold it, just hold it now.
It's not what you think.
I mean, I know
what it looks like
but that's just the
way it appears.
So don't even think that.
What are you thinking?
- Nothing, no, nothing.
I mean, Barbara just
happened to mention
that you have a young, very
lovely young girlfriend, young.
- It's lies, it's all lies.
We are not living together.
- Schneider, I didn't say that.
- We just maybe had
one bubble bath together.
- Oh Schneider, come on now.
This is none of our business.
- Yeah, I know.
All right, two, two at the most.
- Look, you really don't have
to tell us about any of this.
- Unless you want to.
- Unless you want to.
- Well, granted, she
appears a tad young
but I mean, how young is young?
How old is young?
- 25.
- 38.
- Look, is age judged by
the calendar on the wall
or the clock in your heart?
- Well, we'll settle for the
date on a driver's license.
- What's the difference
what her age is anyway?
She's a very mature woman.
She's tasted the vagaries
of life's experiences.
- At 20?
- 20?
Bite your tongue!
What do you think I'm crazy?
She's 22.
What are you so hung
up on age for anyway?
I mean, you know as well as I do
that a man is naturally
younger than a woman.
I mean, how else could
a sheik satisfy a harem?
A bull, a herd, a bunny,
a hutch, a rooster,
a gaggle, a gelding, a stable?
- Schneider, look...
- All it is Miss Romano is
we have a lot of fun together.
We go shuffleboarding
and bowling.
Next week we're gonna try bingo.
- Schneider, look, you
are a sensible person.
And a good friend of
ours, this is your business.
- I appreciate that.
See, I just didn't want you
to think that it was nothing,
nothing but sex.
- Of course not.
- On the other hand,
the way the good Lord
has made the universe.
- So, in a matter of speaking,
you're just doing
the Lord's work.
(audience laughs)
- Amen.
- So, how did you
meet this woman?
- On interstate 70,
her motor stopped.
- Seems okay now.
(audience laughs)
- Will you knock it off please?
I gave her a tow.
She sat up front with me.
We had a nice conversation.
She was very intelligent.
She knew a lot about
sports and I made her laugh.
I wasn't even on the mate.
I couldn't believe myself.
- Yeah, well, good
Samaritans don't fool around.
- That's why they're
almost extinct.
- So anyway, the
guy down at the shop,
he said that it would
take a couple three days
so we got all of her stuff
and we dropped
it off at her place.
We went out, had
a couple of beers,
and we been
hanging out ever since.
- Well Schneider, she
does seem very nice.
- Yeah, I tell ya,
Barbara, for the first time
in my life maybe
ever, I had this feeling
of just wanting to
be with somebody
just for the sake
of being with them.
- That's lovely, Schneider.
It's also sounds serious.
- Ooh, yeah.
Better watch out, maybe
she's out to marry you.
- (nervously laughs) Marriage?
What are you kidding?
Marriage, that's not even in
today's woman modus operandi.
(doorbell rings)
That's probably Jeannie now.
She wants to meet you.
- Hi Barb.
- Boy, she's short.
Looks a lot like Alex too.
Hey Miss Romano, Will Schneider.
- Hiya kid.
- Miss Romano, my dad
said he left his shirt over here.
- Oh, well, you know
us modern women.
- You through ironing it yet?
- Oh, Alex, you just
ruined a great rumor.
- Ah, Alex. (doorbell rings)
- Oh, I betcha that's
Jeannie now, yeah.
- Hi Jeannie, come on in.
- Hi.
- Mom, this is Jeannie,
Schneider's Jeannie.
- Hi, I'm Ann and
this is Alex Handris.
- Hi Alex.
- Hi.
Schneider, I didn't
know you had a daughter.
- I don't have a daughter.
(audience laughs)
- Your niece?
- Alex, Mr. Schneider and
I are just very good friends.
- Oh, well he's lucky.
You're real nice.
- Thank you.
- Alex, why don't you take
that shirt to your father, huh?
- Oh, right, thanks
Miss Romano, I'll see ya.
- You bet, bye bye.
- How old are you?
- 22.
- It's a number,
that's all it is.
It's number, 110, five, 15, 20.
- Listen, Beerbelly phoned.
He said it was urgent.
Something about
your row boat leaking.
- Oh, that's about as
urgent as my next manicure.
I'll call him later.
- Jeannie, why don't you
come in and sit down?
- Yeah, come on.
- Oh, thank you.
- So, what is it you do?
- I'm a photographer.
- A photographer, really?
That sounds fascinating.
Freelance?
- Mostly, I have several
regular customers, mostly zoos.
Do a lot of wildlife.
- I'm her next subject.
- Well, sounds like you
must do a lot of traveling.
- Oh, yeah, I
think I'll crisscross
the country four or five
times in the next year.
- Talk about footloose
and fancy free.
- Of course, if she ever
wanted to set up in Indianapolis,
she could do birthday parties
'cause kids are animals too.
- You know Jeannie,
I really like your hair.
Oh thanks, I've been thinking
of doing it like Stevie Nicks.
- The way it is now?
- Oh, no, the way it was
on the Rumors album.
- Oh yeah, I'd like it there
but the way it is on the
Tusk album is a little bit weird.
- Oh, wait a second, I've
never heard of any guy
having hair as lovely as this.
- Schneider, Stevie
Nicks is a woman.
- He is?
- Yes, with Fleetwood
Mac, it's a rock group.
- Oh yeah, I know that.
I know that, a rock
group, sure, sure.
You like that kind of music?
- Who doesn't?
- Yeah, right, who doesn't?
I mean, yeah, I really dig it.
♪ Hound dog (audience laughs)
I really, that's way
far out that stuff.
Look, I better call Beerbelly.
- I thought you
said it wasn't urgent.
- Well, you know my buddy.
Sometimes a beer in a
belly is worth two in a bush.
Let's go, Jeannie.
- Well, it was nice meeting you.
- You bet.
- Bye Barbara.
- Bye.
Bye bye.
- Schneider, what's the matter?
Did I saying something
in there to embarrass you?
- The only thing that embarrassed
me in there was myself.
- What are you saying?
- Well, looking at you and
Barbara in there together,
I just flashed on how
young you really are.
You're just a kid.
This thing with me,
this is ridiculous.
This is not for you.
- I think it is.
- Well, Jeannie, it's not.
- Schneider, we've been
together almost constantly
since we met, right?
- Yeah.
- And it's been pretty
terrific up till now, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Schneider, we've got it all.
Fireworks, laughs,
good times, quiet times.
Do you have any
idea what that means?
When has that ever
happen to you before?
- Well, I don't know.
Never.
- Me neither.
And the best of
it is no strings.
- That's right, no strings.
- Would you mind if
I moved in with you?
(audience laughs)
- I can't believe this,
you got that close?
- Telephoto lens.
- I don't think I'd take
this with a spy satellite.
That's really terrific.
- Thank you.
- Oh here, let me help you.
- Oh thanks, you
don't have to do that.
- Oh come on, how else am I
gonna find out what you have?
Tell me, Jeannie,
well, what's it like?
I mean, being with a
man like Schneider?
- You mean sex?
- No, no, no, no.
Unless you need
to talk about it.
I mean, it's not that I care.
It's just that some
of the other women
in the building are wondering.
- Well, let's just
say he's wonderful.
Just like it would be
with a guy your own age.
- That's not much help.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what he does
first thing in the mornings?
- No, what?
- Drinks cabbage juice.
- I don't think I read
that in the joy of sex.
Does it help him?
- I don't know but
he thinks it does
and that's what counts.
- Hi Schneider.
- Hi there ladies.
- We were talking about you.
- Haven't been giving away
any of my secrets, have you?
- Secrets, to me?
No, no secrets, none whatsoever.
So tell me, just what exactly
does cabbage juice do?
- I'm not sure exactly
but if it's good
enough for rabbits...
So, you have been giving
away my secrets, huh?
You may have to pay the penalty.
- Good.
(laughs)
- No, really, I can't
stay, there's the door
so I'll see myself out.
Nice seeing you guys.
- Ah, you're beautiful.
- We gotta face facts.
(audience laughs)
- Are you hungry?
- Only for you.
- What about food?
- Yeah, that too.
- I hope you like it.
- Listen, you could feed
me scraps and I'd like it.
Anything you cook is
like beef bouillabaisse to
(audience laughs)
What the hell is this?
- It's eggplant and
brown rice casserole
with sunflower seeds
in a soybean base.
- Where's the meat?
- No meat.
- How about potatoes?
- You won't find any.
- No meat, no potatoes?
Just this bunny food?
What have you got
sprinkled all over the salad?
- Desiccated liver.
- Cow had a drinking problem?
- Laugh if you will but
the healthiest animals
on this planet are
all vegetarians.
- Oh sure, lions, tigers, and
leopards, they don't eat meat.
- I'm talking about
monkeys and chimps.
- Monkeys?
You got a thing for monkeys?
Don't move.
(audience laughs)
(Jeannie laughs)
- Oh, I adore primitive men.
- Piquant body,
pert, yet defiant.
So if I get all my fishing
gear together now,
I won't wake you
up in the morning.
- What time are you leaving?
- 3:30.
Listen, Jeannie, I had some
bass plugs, some bass lures.
Did you see them?
- Soap dish in the john.
- Ah, thank you.
Hey, I'm gonna freshen up.
How could a guy not love you?
I mean, here I am
going off fishing,
hanging out with the
guys, leaving you alone,
you don't even mind, I
mean, you even encourage it.
Young people today,
they've got the right idea.
Open relationships.
- It's no big deal, Schneid.
I don't want to
change your life.
Besides it's only one day.
- [Schneider] I mean, we
think alike, we act alike,
our attitudes our opinions,
our whole approach to life
couldn't be more identical.
- Absolutely.
- What's the matter, kid,
you got a frog in your throat?
Thing is, we both
think young, now, today.
The hell is that smell?
I bet it's that roach killer
I sprayed this morning.
- Here, Schneid.
- Nope, nope.
I don't smoke
cigarettes in the evening,
it dulls my senses
for the game shows.
- Come on, Schneid,
this is good stuff.
- Good stuff.
- Schneider, you never
smoked one of these before.
- (laughs) Don't be
silly, are you kiddin?
I've sailed all over the world,
I've done everything
there is to be done.
That stuff is not new to me.
That's dandelions,
dandelions to me.
- Fine, have a dandelion.
- Listen, when you do that,
you should have the mood.
The mood, hun.
See, that should
really be set...
Let me set the mood here.
Don't look, Duke.
Let me move these
pansies over here.
A little pocket of
chlorophyll there.
Ah, let me.
There we go.
Yeah, now.
Yeah.
- Now?
- I have a lovely
black and white kaftan.
Let me go...
- Schneider.
You don't have to smoke
it if you don't want to.
- What do you mean
if I don't want to?
Of course, here, give me that.
I'll take a knock.
(audience laughs)
Oh, okay.
Let's see here.
Ah!
- What are you doing?
- Quiet now, that's the
way it's done in Siam.
(knocking)
Just a minute, Officer!
What am I gonna do with this?
- In the john.
(audience laughs)
- All right, I know how
to handle these guys.
So don't worry.
Okay, okay, be cool, be cool.
Okay.
Barbara, it's Barbara!
It's little Barbara.
Barbara, come in here, Barbara.
It's Barbara.
Boy, oh boy.
Am I glad to see you.
- You are?
- Sure.
- Oh, well, we just got
our laundry mixed up
so I'd thought I'd come
down and sort it out.
- (nervously laughs)
The laundry mixing up.
- I think this is your towel.
- Thank you.
- What is that smell?
- That's pine spray.
- Pine spray?
- Yeah, for the cooking
odors, you know?
- Oh, I see.
What'd you have for dinner?
Pot roast?
- Strictly a vegetarian.
- Oh, yeah, I see.
No meat, just grass, right?
- I don't think we're
fooling her, Schneid.
- Yeah, well, I'm not
looking to fool anybody.
I mean, after all we
are consulting adults.
- Look, smoke if you want,
personally I think it's wrong.
- Believe me, he doesn't
have a long history of it.
(knocking)
- Oh, they got here
anyway, the cops.
Okay, all right, I got this one.
I'll take care of it.
Everybody just relax.
- Fred!
- Muffin.
- Muffin?
- Maybe he works for a bakery?
- Come on in.
Give me that, come on.
I'd like you to meet my
old friend, Brad Donahue.
Brad, this is Barbara Cooper.
This is my guy.
- How you doing?
- Fine, how are ya?
- Fine, thanks.
- Dwayne Schneider.
So, you and Muffin
been friends long?
- Yeah, since high school.
- High school friends?
- We shared
expenses for awhile too.
- Expenses?
- Yeah, and we've
shared some assignments.
- Oh, you shared assignments?
- Oh yeah, Brad's a
photographer too, a very good one.
Come on, sit down.
- Give me your jacket.
- Oh, thanks.
- Whatcha been
doing with yourself?
- Well, right now I'm
headed up to Montana.
Gonna do any article
on bighorn sheep.
- Ooh, sounds cold.
- Yeah, they tell
me up in Montana
the snow is as high
as an elephant's thigh.
- So how long you
gonna be in town?
- Oh, just a couple of nights.
- Oh, wow, really?
I think Barbara is
free this weekend.
- Schneider.
Well, laundry's all
sorted and it's late
and my mom's
waiting for her pajamas.
Well, nice to have
meet you, Brad.
- Right.
- Really Schneider.
- Listen, I can't really
stay too long either.
I've gotta find a place to flop.
- Oh, you just got here.
Why don't you spend
the night here, okay?
Okay, Schneid?
- What?
- Well, he can sleep here.
- Yeah, well, he could except
we only have the one bed.
- He can use the sleeping bag.
- Unfortunately, I
lent that Beerbelly.
- Well, he must've returned it.
It's in the closet.
- Oh great, are you
sure you don't mind?
- It's terrific.
- [Announcer] Please
tune in next week
for the concluding
episode of November Song.
(audience applauds)
(cheerful music)