One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 8 - A Shot in the Dark - full transcript
("One Day at a Time Theme")
♪ Well this is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ Well this is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time ♪
- Barbara!
Barbara!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Did you call me?
- Yeah honey, Dave and Joanne
are gonna be here any minute.
Could you give
me a hand, please?
(clapping)
(audience laughing)
- Not what you had in mind, huh?
- [Ann] No.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, they're early.
- Mom!
Shoes, shoes.
- Okay, right.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Alex, what are you doing here?
- My dad dropped me off
while he's getting some gas.
He said your mom
had some copy for him.
- Oh, right.
- Wants to know if we
could borrow a needle too.
- Sure.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Alex.
- This sure is a
friendly family.
- Alex needs to borrow a needle.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Have you got some white thread?
- Yes.
- And a white button?
- Do you want me
to sew it on too?
- No, Dad said not to ask,
but as long as you volunteered.
- Sit down and
take off your shirt.
(doorbell rings)
- Ah, good.
- Hi!
(screaming)
- Barbie!
Hey, whoa, whoa, stop
before my last two hairs fall out.
- Dave, no one notices.
- I noticed.
(audience laughing)
- This is Alex.
He's got a loose button
along with a loose mouth.
- Hey Alex.
- Come on in.
Sit down.
- Oh new furniture.
- [Ann] Yeah.
- It looks terrific.
- Oh, you like it.
I'm so glad.
Okay, I wanna know everything.
Tell me everything.
How is Arizona?
- Great, but we
sure miss you guys.
Best neighbors we ever had.
- We miss you too.
- So, how is Schneider?
- Oh, he's just fine.
He misses you a lot.
- Oh, new tenant
doesn't play poker?
- Oh yes he does.
But he wins.
(audience laughing)
Okay, this is to us.
To friendship.
To health.
Salut.
- Dave, I can't wait.
Let's tell 'em.
- Now?
I thought we were
gonna wait till after dinner.
- It's too big to wait.
- What is it?
(audience laughing)
- Well, it's kind of personal.
- Good, I love personal.
- Alex, here I think it's time
you learned how to sew, okay?
- It's sex.
It always is.
- [Barbara] Goodbye Alex.
Okay, what is it?
- Yes, what's the big news?
- Well, it's small, actually.
And cute.
And exciting, and it
drools all over you.
- A baby!
That's so exciting!
- A baby.
Oh congratulations, Joanne.
That's wonderful.
When are you due?
- A year or so.
(audience laughing)
- A year or so.
What are you doing
taking slow pills?
- We're in the talking stage.
- Well, you know
Joanne and I have always
wanted to have a baby.
- Yes, I know.
And if anyone
should, you should.
- But we can't.
Not in the usual way.
Although, we've had
one hell of a time trying.
- What do you mean,
not in the usual way?
- Yeah, should I take notes?
- Well, I've had a hard
time excepting this,
but...
I'm sterile.
- Oh, are you going to adopt?
- No, but we are
gonna have a baby.
- We've decided to find a donor.
- Ah-ha.
- Oh, you're gonna go to
one of those sperm banks.
- No, no, we are going to
use artificial insemination,
but we're going to choose
the donor ourselves.
- Wait a minute, you're
gonna choose the father?
- Can you do that?
- Oh yeah, we checked it out.
It's okay with our church.
It's not illegal.
So, we're gonna do it.
- Well, do you have
someone in mind?
- Oh, sure do.
A good buddy of mine.
- Hi!
- [Joanne] Schneider!
- Good buddy!
- Schneider?
- Oh my god.
- How you doing?
- I'm doing fine.
- You still got that
cabin up on Indian Lake?
- Oh yeah.
Boy, let me tell you
do we really miss you
on those weekend beer busts.
Of course now I get
to drink all your beer.
So, Arizona, huh.
The great southwest.
They still got them
big butts out there?
- Those are buttes.
- Are they ever?
(audience laughing)
- Hey Schneider, what do you
do to keep all that hair, huh?
- Nothin'
Like my dear old mom used
to say, thick head thick hair.
(audience laughing)
- Your dad had a
lot of hair, did he?
- Aw yeah.
I can remember as a
kid sitting in the bathroom
watching my mom shave his back.
(audience laughing)
- So, Dwayne how you feeling?
How's your health?
- Oh, it's great.
- Heart okay?
- Yeah, 72 a minute.
- Blood pressure?
- 120 over 12.
- Teeth?
- Yeah, I got teeth.
What's going on here?
I feel like the prize
pooch at a poodle show.
- Nothing, just
making conversation.
- Look, why don't you let
us take you all out to dinner.
- Yeah.
- No, no way.
You're gonna eat dinner here.
We'll fix something.
- Great.
- Great?
You forgot how she cooks?
Well, I'll go downstairs,
and I'll freshen up.
But in your honor,
I'll come back with
a vintage bottle of Blue Nun.
- Oh, Schneider you
don't have to do that.
- Dave, what's mine is yours?
Bye!
- This is perfect.
Oh, Annie it's like old times.
We'll have a nice
leisurely dinner,
good conversation.
- And then, hit him with it.
- You really want
Schneider to be the donor?
- Look, it's none
of our business,
but wouldn't it be easier
going to a sperm bank?
- Oh, for some people,
but we really wanna know
what kind of person the donor is.
If he's kind, generous,
has a good heart.
Like Dave.
- And Schneider.
- Then, when I was three,
of course, I got the measles.
I was down on my grandma's farm.
She says I got 'em from the pig.
I know it was that duck.
(audience laughing)
- One cherry, one apple.
And one super combo.
- Tell us about your
relatives back east.
- They're a bunch of crazies.
- How crazy?
- Well, let's see, there's my
Uncle Harry, he collects rats.
(audience laughing)
And there's Cousin Ethel,
she's a mud wrestling judge.
And then, there's
Great Aunt Josie.
She orders the scotch for a
chain of Midwestern hotels.
- But no one's certifiable?
- Oh yeah, they're all citizens.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Schneider Joanne
and I have a little favor
we'd like to talk to you about.
- Oh yeah, well...
(audience laughing)
I sure hope it's
within my expertise.
- Chances are.
- Schneider we're sorry
about all the questions,
but we just had to be sure.
- Sure about what?
- We want to have a child.
- That's why we had to
get to know more about you.
(audience laughing)
- You wanna adopt me?
(audience laughing)
- No, of course not.
- Schneider, we want you
to be the father of our child.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- You want me to
sleep with your wife?
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, no, I don't
think you understand.
- Everything would take place
in a laboratory with a doctor.
(audience laughing)
- You want me to...
In front of a doctor?
- Schneider, you and I
wouldn't actually do anything.
- Well, wishing ain't
gonna make it so.
- What I mean is
that we won't actually
be doing anything together.
- No disrespect, but the
last time that happened
there was a bright
star hanging in the east.
(audience laughing)
What is she talking about?
- Schneider, it's called
artificial insemination.
- We want you to
provide the sperm.
- Ixnay on the language
in front of the idkay.
Listen you two, I love you two.
But gee, I mean what
you're asking here
that goes against all
the basic laws of nature.
Asking me to have a baby with
a woman I haven't even dated.
- I'm gonna have
the baby all by myself.
- If you'll help us.
- Dave, you don't
mind my asking,
why don't you provide the sp...
the little critters?
- Little critters?
- I'm sterile.
- What?
You mean, you mean,
you two can't, you never...
Gee, you must
have a lot of hobbies.
(audience laughing)
- No, Dave's a great lover.
- Oh, you mean, that you
just, you can't make a baby.
- Right.
- Schneider, and I want
you to listen to me, okay?
This is an important decision.
Do you really understand
what is gonna happen
with your little critters?
- Yes, I understand.
Of course, artificial
inflammation.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, we need your help.
Joanne and I really
wanna have a baby,
and this is the best way for us.
- Well, I tell you, I'm
really, I'm very touched,
but I'm also I'm very confused.
- Well, the donor
always gets paid.
- Oh no, I don't want any money.
Wouldn't wanna ruin
my amateur standing.
(audience laughing)
- I think you should take your
time and think about it, huh?
- She's right.
I gotta think about this.
I need time.
- Take all the time you want.
- [Dave] Sure.
- You want me to be
the father of your child.
I haven't been this
honored since I was
nominated for Supreme
Grand Yak down at the lodge.
(audience laughing)
Hey, hey!
Hold it, will ya!
- Sorry.
- You know something,
we got rules in this building.
No skateboards, no
skates, no bicycles,
no tricycles, no mopeds,
and no wheelchairs
over five miles an hour.
- Sounds like a fun place.
(doorbell rings)
- Ain't nobody home.
- Oh, I brought some
jellybeans for Barbara
for helping me with my button.
Would you give 'em to her?
- What do I look
like a delivery boy?
- How come you're
so grouchy today?
- Give me the beans.
I'll deliver 'em.
Alex?
I'm sorry, I just got
something on my mind.
- Wanna talk about it?
- Nah, you wouldn't understand.
- Hey, c'mon try me.
I'm having flashes of maturity.
(audience laughing)
- All right.
How would you
feel, just supposin',
now you came home
from school, just supposin',
came home from school
one day and you found out
your dad wasn't your real dad?
- I'm adopted?
- No, you're not adopted.
- Oh, you're adopted.
- No, I'm not adopted.
- Barbara's adopted?
- No, she's not...
Why don't you have
one of those flashes
you were telling me about?
All I'm saying, now just
supposin', you know,
your mommy is
your regular mommy,
but your daddy is an
unknown guy, Mr. X?
- I'm illegitimate.
- No.
- You're illegitimate?
- No.
- Barbara's illegitimate.
- No, she's not.
You know how babies are made?
- Oh sure, the male taps
the female on the shoulder...
- Hold.
Okay, so you know that.
Sometimes, of course,
there's variations, you know.
I mean like, see if the
male if he can't produce
enough sp... (audience laughing)
He can't produce any... - Sperm?
- Critters!
Little critters!
All right, so if that's
the case, you know,
he can't produce
any little critters,
so they get a friend, and he
donates some little critters,
and oh I don't know,
a couple of hundred,
whatever it takes, you know.
And so, they're implanted
into the lady, and a baby results.
- That's a lot like
artificial insemination.
(audience laughing)
- Very similar.
Now, my question to you is that
if you were that baby, see,
how would you
feel if you grew up
and you found out about it?
- I guess it would just prove
that my folks really wanted me.
- Yeah, well what
about the guy, Mr. X?
- He'd have to be a
really special person.
- Yeah, why?
- Well, without him
I wouldn't be here.
- You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Yeah, listen, Alex you're okay.
You're all right.
Any time you wanna sit down
and discuss your troubles.
I mean, I'm your guy.
- Okay, thanks Schneider.
- Hey, de nada.
- Yeah, same to you.
- How come I seem to be doing
more ironing than I used to?
- Because as you get
older you get more wrinkles.
(audience laughing)
- Cute.
- Yeah, I thought so.
- Hi.
Are the Woods here yet?
- No.
Are they supposed to be?
- Yeah, I asked them to meet me.
- Have you made up your mind?
- I tell you something,
this morning I was
standing under the
shower, you know,
and I suddenly thought
about that old Biblical saying.
- Turn the other cheek?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, close.
No, the one I thought about
was be fruitful and multiply.
There's a lot to that.
- Yeah.
- You know, if I
do this, if I do this,
I'll be kind of like the
good inseminarian.
- You do have a way
with words, Schneider.
- You know, Ms. Romano,
as much as I've been able
to think about this
thing I haven't been able
to come up with one
reason for not doing it.
But something still bothers me.
- What's that?
- Joanne.
- What?
- Would she be a good mother?
(audience laughing)
- Of course, she'd be a
good mother, Schneider.
- Will she know how
to change a diaper,
powder a bottom, burp a baby?
- I'm sure she...
- Kiss a cheek, soothe
a brow, nurse a hurt,
- I don't think...
- Tie a shoe, bake a
brownie, drive a carpool.
- I'm not sure I
wanna be a mother.
(audience laughing)
- I just wanna be sure.
After all, I am
gonna be the father.
- You are.
- You're really gonna
go through with this.
- Yeah, I am.
Well, you know,
what are friends for?
Usually not that.
(audience laughing)
But I tell you something,
if everything goes
well with the Woods,
why I could start a
whole new career.
I mean I could
dedicate my whole life
to helping childless couples
have the baby
they've always wanted.
- That's sweet, Schneider.
- Yeah, it is.
I could buy a farm somewhere.
People would come to see
me from all over the world.
(audience laughing)
Call it Schneider's
Tiny Baby Stud Farm.
(audience laughing)
- How about The
Little Critter Ranch?
- Service with a smile.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, that's the Woods.
That's them.
- He's gonna do it.
- You're gonna do it?
- Yeah, I'm gonna do it, yeah.
- I'm so happy.
- Hold it, no physical contact.
- Schneider, c'mon, now
I wanna hear all about
how you decided to help us.
- I tell ya Dave I was thinking
about this thing, you know.
I was thinking, then
suddenly it hit me
what a responsibility
it is to have a kid.
- We want that
responsibility, Schneider.
- Yeah, I don't blame you.
I had a kid once.
Yeah, it's true.
Quickie marriage,
quickie divorce.
She split, took the kid.
I never got a chance
to be a father to him.
And now, you two, I mean
you're giving me a second chance,
and I'm gonna take it.
I'm taking it!
- Schneider, you
know Joanne and I
will be the child's parents.
- Yeah, well I know that I just
wanna be Uncle Schneider.
It's gonna be great.
- Schneider, you
know we live in Arizona.
- Yeah, I know, I've
been thinking about that,
but I can get out there.
I think I can swing it three or
four times a year, you know.
I'll take him camping,
fishing, hunting.
We'll shoot pool,
split a root beer.
What a dynamite twosome
big Dwayne, little Dwayne.
(laughs)
Of course, you don't
have to name him after me.
- Schneider...
- I thought it
kind of had a nice
ring to it though, you know.
Dwayne Schneider Jr. Wood.
- Schneider...
- You know what Dwayne means?
In the original Greek?
It means he of the golden
bicep, look at that thing.
- Schneider, about all these
activities you have planned...
- Aw yeah, well you don't
want him to shoot pool.
I agree, you're right.
No pool shooting, all right.
That's settled.
Now, what's the next thing.
The next thing is school.
When the kid is
ready to go to school,
I think we really have to
consider Indiana Trade Tech.
- Schneider, that's not
exactly what we had in mind.
- Well, all right,
that's your decision.
My second choice would be
the Gary School of Maintenance.
All you need is a C average.
- Look, Schneider as
far as we're concerned
once you leave the
lab, you're part's over.
- Yeah, well...
What do you mean over?
- We haven't decided if
we're gonna tell our child
that I was artificial
inseminated.
- Well, I wouldn't
tell him either,
but I mean the
kid is partly mine.
And I would kind of
like to hang around
and give some advice, you know.
- But if you saw the child, it
would only be complicated
and confusing for everybody.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a second.
If I saw the child?
What are you saying?
You don't want me to
ever, ever, even see the kid?
- Well, it's for the good
of everyone, Schneider.
- I don't think that's
for the good of me.
- But do you honestly
think you could see a child
that was a part of you
and not let on sometime?
- Well, yeah sure
that's possible.
Yeah, I mean it's possible.
Maybe not.
I guess I'd always
be looking at his face
to see how much
he looked like me.
Probably take the
rattle out of his hand
and give him a pair
of pliers to play with.
Gee, I don't know.
To know that he's out there
and not be able to see him.
I mean not be able to...
I don't think I can hack that.
I'm sorry if
that's the way it has to be.
I mean, if it has
to be that way,
then I don't think...
- Oh, but Dwayne...
- Maybe you need some
more time to think about it.
- No, I don't need
no time, Dave.
I mean I...
I would wanna hang out with him.
I would wanna be with
him and play ball with him.
I never did that with
my own son, you know.
- Hey.
You okay?
- Oh yeah, I'm...
Funny thing is, you know,
I'm just like the Woods here.
I mean they wanna
kid, and I wanna kid.
You know, you really
should go to that sperm bank.
That's what they have 'em for.
I tell you Dave he's
gonna be fine kid.
Gonna be a
terrific, terrific kid.
- Oh, Schneider.
You forgot this.
- Listen, I brought this up.
I'd like you to give
this to little Dwayne
when he comes along.
That was mine when I was a kid.
Nowadays, you could even
give it to little Dwaynette.
- Look, Schneider you don't...
- Hey, c'mon, will ya.
That's a terrific mitt.
That's a genuine
Whitey Kurowski.
I'd like him to have it.
I would.
I really... Just tell
him it's from his...
Tell him it's from
Uncle Schneider.
But don't ever tell him
he was almost my son.
That'd break his heart.
Break his heart.
(audience clapping)
("One Day at a Time Theme")
♪ Well this is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ Well this is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time ♪
- Barbara!
Barbara!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Did you call me?
- Yeah honey, Dave and Joanne
are gonna be here any minute.
Could you give
me a hand, please?
(clapping)
(audience laughing)
- Not what you had in mind, huh?
- [Ann] No.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, they're early.
- Mom!
Shoes, shoes.
- Okay, right.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Alex, what are you doing here?
- My dad dropped me off
while he's getting some gas.
He said your mom
had some copy for him.
- Oh, right.
- Wants to know if we
could borrow a needle too.
- Sure.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Alex.
- This sure is a
friendly family.
- Alex needs to borrow a needle.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Have you got some white thread?
- Yes.
- And a white button?
- Do you want me
to sew it on too?
- No, Dad said not to ask,
but as long as you volunteered.
- Sit down and
take off your shirt.
(doorbell rings)
- Ah, good.
- Hi!
(screaming)
- Barbie!
Hey, whoa, whoa, stop
before my last two hairs fall out.
- Dave, no one notices.
- I noticed.
(audience laughing)
- This is Alex.
He's got a loose button
along with a loose mouth.
- Hey Alex.
- Come on in.
Sit down.
- Oh new furniture.
- [Ann] Yeah.
- It looks terrific.
- Oh, you like it.
I'm so glad.
Okay, I wanna know everything.
Tell me everything.
How is Arizona?
- Great, but we
sure miss you guys.
Best neighbors we ever had.
- We miss you too.
- So, how is Schneider?
- Oh, he's just fine.
He misses you a lot.
- Oh, new tenant
doesn't play poker?
- Oh yes he does.
But he wins.
(audience laughing)
Okay, this is to us.
To friendship.
To health.
Salut.
- Dave, I can't wait.
Let's tell 'em.
- Now?
I thought we were
gonna wait till after dinner.
- It's too big to wait.
- What is it?
(audience laughing)
- Well, it's kind of personal.
- Good, I love personal.
- Alex, here I think it's time
you learned how to sew, okay?
- It's sex.
It always is.
- [Barbara] Goodbye Alex.
Okay, what is it?
- Yes, what's the big news?
- Well, it's small, actually.
And cute.
And exciting, and it
drools all over you.
- A baby!
That's so exciting!
- A baby.
Oh congratulations, Joanne.
That's wonderful.
When are you due?
- A year or so.
(audience laughing)
- A year or so.
What are you doing
taking slow pills?
- We're in the talking stage.
- Well, you know
Joanne and I have always
wanted to have a baby.
- Yes, I know.
And if anyone
should, you should.
- But we can't.
Not in the usual way.
Although, we've had
one hell of a time trying.
- What do you mean,
not in the usual way?
- Yeah, should I take notes?
- Well, I've had a hard
time excepting this,
but...
I'm sterile.
- Oh, are you going to adopt?
- No, but we are
gonna have a baby.
- We've decided to find a donor.
- Ah-ha.
- Oh, you're gonna go to
one of those sperm banks.
- No, no, we are going to
use artificial insemination,
but we're going to choose
the donor ourselves.
- Wait a minute, you're
gonna choose the father?
- Can you do that?
- Oh yeah, we checked it out.
It's okay with our church.
It's not illegal.
So, we're gonna do it.
- Well, do you have
someone in mind?
- Oh, sure do.
A good buddy of mine.
- Hi!
- [Joanne] Schneider!
- Good buddy!
- Schneider?
- Oh my god.
- How you doing?
- I'm doing fine.
- You still got that
cabin up on Indian Lake?
- Oh yeah.
Boy, let me tell you
do we really miss you
on those weekend beer busts.
Of course now I get
to drink all your beer.
So, Arizona, huh.
The great southwest.
They still got them
big butts out there?
- Those are buttes.
- Are they ever?
(audience laughing)
- Hey Schneider, what do you
do to keep all that hair, huh?
- Nothin'
Like my dear old mom used
to say, thick head thick hair.
(audience laughing)
- Your dad had a
lot of hair, did he?
- Aw yeah.
I can remember as a
kid sitting in the bathroom
watching my mom shave his back.
(audience laughing)
- So, Dwayne how you feeling?
How's your health?
- Oh, it's great.
- Heart okay?
- Yeah, 72 a minute.
- Blood pressure?
- 120 over 12.
- Teeth?
- Yeah, I got teeth.
What's going on here?
I feel like the prize
pooch at a poodle show.
- Nothing, just
making conversation.
- Look, why don't you let
us take you all out to dinner.
- Yeah.
- No, no way.
You're gonna eat dinner here.
We'll fix something.
- Great.
- Great?
You forgot how she cooks?
Well, I'll go downstairs,
and I'll freshen up.
But in your honor,
I'll come back with
a vintage bottle of Blue Nun.
- Oh, Schneider you
don't have to do that.
- Dave, what's mine is yours?
Bye!
- This is perfect.
Oh, Annie it's like old times.
We'll have a nice
leisurely dinner,
good conversation.
- And then, hit him with it.
- You really want
Schneider to be the donor?
- Look, it's none
of our business,
but wouldn't it be easier
going to a sperm bank?
- Oh, for some people,
but we really wanna know
what kind of person the donor is.
If he's kind, generous,
has a good heart.
Like Dave.
- And Schneider.
- Then, when I was three,
of course, I got the measles.
I was down on my grandma's farm.
She says I got 'em from the pig.
I know it was that duck.
(audience laughing)
- One cherry, one apple.
And one super combo.
- Tell us about your
relatives back east.
- They're a bunch of crazies.
- How crazy?
- Well, let's see, there's my
Uncle Harry, he collects rats.
(audience laughing)
And there's Cousin Ethel,
she's a mud wrestling judge.
And then, there's
Great Aunt Josie.
She orders the scotch for a
chain of Midwestern hotels.
- But no one's certifiable?
- Oh yeah, they're all citizens.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Schneider Joanne
and I have a little favor
we'd like to talk to you about.
- Oh yeah, well...
(audience laughing)
I sure hope it's
within my expertise.
- Chances are.
- Schneider we're sorry
about all the questions,
but we just had to be sure.
- Sure about what?
- We want to have a child.
- That's why we had to
get to know more about you.
(audience laughing)
- You wanna adopt me?
(audience laughing)
- No, of course not.
- Schneider, we want you
to be the father of our child.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- You want me to
sleep with your wife?
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, no, I don't
think you understand.
- Everything would take place
in a laboratory with a doctor.
(audience laughing)
- You want me to...
In front of a doctor?
- Schneider, you and I
wouldn't actually do anything.
- Well, wishing ain't
gonna make it so.
- What I mean is
that we won't actually
be doing anything together.
- No disrespect, but the
last time that happened
there was a bright
star hanging in the east.
(audience laughing)
What is she talking about?
- Schneider, it's called
artificial insemination.
- We want you to
provide the sperm.
- Ixnay on the language
in front of the idkay.
Listen you two, I love you two.
But gee, I mean what
you're asking here
that goes against all
the basic laws of nature.
Asking me to have a baby with
a woman I haven't even dated.
- I'm gonna have
the baby all by myself.
- If you'll help us.
- Dave, you don't
mind my asking,
why don't you provide the sp...
the little critters?
- Little critters?
- I'm sterile.
- What?
You mean, you mean,
you two can't, you never...
Gee, you must
have a lot of hobbies.
(audience laughing)
- No, Dave's a great lover.
- Oh, you mean, that you
just, you can't make a baby.
- Right.
- Schneider, and I want
you to listen to me, okay?
This is an important decision.
Do you really understand
what is gonna happen
with your little critters?
- Yes, I understand.
Of course, artificial
inflammation.
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, we need your help.
Joanne and I really
wanna have a baby,
and this is the best way for us.
- Well, I tell you, I'm
really, I'm very touched,
but I'm also I'm very confused.
- Well, the donor
always gets paid.
- Oh no, I don't want any money.
Wouldn't wanna ruin
my amateur standing.
(audience laughing)
- I think you should take your
time and think about it, huh?
- She's right.
I gotta think about this.
I need time.
- Take all the time you want.
- [Dave] Sure.
- You want me to be
the father of your child.
I haven't been this
honored since I was
nominated for Supreme
Grand Yak down at the lodge.
(audience laughing)
Hey, hey!
Hold it, will ya!
- Sorry.
- You know something,
we got rules in this building.
No skateboards, no
skates, no bicycles,
no tricycles, no mopeds,
and no wheelchairs
over five miles an hour.
- Sounds like a fun place.
(doorbell rings)
- Ain't nobody home.
- Oh, I brought some
jellybeans for Barbara
for helping me with my button.
Would you give 'em to her?
- What do I look
like a delivery boy?
- How come you're
so grouchy today?
- Give me the beans.
I'll deliver 'em.
Alex?
I'm sorry, I just got
something on my mind.
- Wanna talk about it?
- Nah, you wouldn't understand.
- Hey, c'mon try me.
I'm having flashes of maturity.
(audience laughing)
- All right.
How would you
feel, just supposin',
now you came home
from school, just supposin',
came home from school
one day and you found out
your dad wasn't your real dad?
- I'm adopted?
- No, you're not adopted.
- Oh, you're adopted.
- No, I'm not adopted.
- Barbara's adopted?
- No, she's not...
Why don't you have
one of those flashes
you were telling me about?
All I'm saying, now just
supposin', you know,
your mommy is
your regular mommy,
but your daddy is an
unknown guy, Mr. X?
- I'm illegitimate.
- No.
- You're illegitimate?
- No.
- Barbara's illegitimate.
- No, she's not.
You know how babies are made?
- Oh sure, the male taps
the female on the shoulder...
- Hold.
Okay, so you know that.
Sometimes, of course,
there's variations, you know.
I mean like, see if the
male if he can't produce
enough sp... (audience laughing)
He can't produce any... - Sperm?
- Critters!
Little critters!
All right, so if that's
the case, you know,
he can't produce
any little critters,
so they get a friend, and he
donates some little critters,
and oh I don't know,
a couple of hundred,
whatever it takes, you know.
And so, they're implanted
into the lady, and a baby results.
- That's a lot like
artificial insemination.
(audience laughing)
- Very similar.
Now, my question to you is that
if you were that baby, see,
how would you
feel if you grew up
and you found out about it?
- I guess it would just prove
that my folks really wanted me.
- Yeah, well what
about the guy, Mr. X?
- He'd have to be a
really special person.
- Yeah, why?
- Well, without him
I wouldn't be here.
- You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Yeah, listen, Alex you're okay.
You're all right.
Any time you wanna sit down
and discuss your troubles.
I mean, I'm your guy.
- Okay, thanks Schneider.
- Hey, de nada.
- Yeah, same to you.
- How come I seem to be doing
more ironing than I used to?
- Because as you get
older you get more wrinkles.
(audience laughing)
- Cute.
- Yeah, I thought so.
- Hi.
Are the Woods here yet?
- No.
Are they supposed to be?
- Yeah, I asked them to meet me.
- Have you made up your mind?
- I tell you something,
this morning I was
standing under the
shower, you know,
and I suddenly thought
about that old Biblical saying.
- Turn the other cheek?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, close.
No, the one I thought about
was be fruitful and multiply.
There's a lot to that.
- Yeah.
- You know, if I
do this, if I do this,
I'll be kind of like the
good inseminarian.
- You do have a way
with words, Schneider.
- You know, Ms. Romano,
as much as I've been able
to think about this
thing I haven't been able
to come up with one
reason for not doing it.
But something still bothers me.
- What's that?
- Joanne.
- What?
- Would she be a good mother?
(audience laughing)
- Of course, she'd be a
good mother, Schneider.
- Will she know how
to change a diaper,
powder a bottom, burp a baby?
- I'm sure she...
- Kiss a cheek, soothe
a brow, nurse a hurt,
- I don't think...
- Tie a shoe, bake a
brownie, drive a carpool.
- I'm not sure I
wanna be a mother.
(audience laughing)
- I just wanna be sure.
After all, I am
gonna be the father.
- You are.
- You're really gonna
go through with this.
- Yeah, I am.
Well, you know,
what are friends for?
Usually not that.
(audience laughing)
But I tell you something,
if everything goes
well with the Woods,
why I could start a
whole new career.
I mean I could
dedicate my whole life
to helping childless couples
have the baby
they've always wanted.
- That's sweet, Schneider.
- Yeah, it is.
I could buy a farm somewhere.
People would come to see
me from all over the world.
(audience laughing)
Call it Schneider's
Tiny Baby Stud Farm.
(audience laughing)
- How about The
Little Critter Ranch?
- Service with a smile.
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, that's the Woods.
That's them.
- He's gonna do it.
- You're gonna do it?
- Yeah, I'm gonna do it, yeah.
- I'm so happy.
- Hold it, no physical contact.
- Schneider, c'mon, now
I wanna hear all about
how you decided to help us.
- I tell ya Dave I was thinking
about this thing, you know.
I was thinking, then
suddenly it hit me
what a responsibility
it is to have a kid.
- We want that
responsibility, Schneider.
- Yeah, I don't blame you.
I had a kid once.
Yeah, it's true.
Quickie marriage,
quickie divorce.
She split, took the kid.
I never got a chance
to be a father to him.
And now, you two, I mean
you're giving me a second chance,
and I'm gonna take it.
I'm taking it!
- Schneider, you
know Joanne and I
will be the child's parents.
- Yeah, well I know that I just
wanna be Uncle Schneider.
It's gonna be great.
- Schneider, you
know we live in Arizona.
- Yeah, I know, I've
been thinking about that,
but I can get out there.
I think I can swing it three or
four times a year, you know.
I'll take him camping,
fishing, hunting.
We'll shoot pool,
split a root beer.
What a dynamite twosome
big Dwayne, little Dwayne.
(laughs)
Of course, you don't
have to name him after me.
- Schneider...
- I thought it
kind of had a nice
ring to it though, you know.
Dwayne Schneider Jr. Wood.
- Schneider...
- You know what Dwayne means?
In the original Greek?
It means he of the golden
bicep, look at that thing.
- Schneider, about all these
activities you have planned...
- Aw yeah, well you don't
want him to shoot pool.
I agree, you're right.
No pool shooting, all right.
That's settled.
Now, what's the next thing.
The next thing is school.
When the kid is
ready to go to school,
I think we really have to
consider Indiana Trade Tech.
- Schneider, that's not
exactly what we had in mind.
- Well, all right,
that's your decision.
My second choice would be
the Gary School of Maintenance.
All you need is a C average.
- Look, Schneider as
far as we're concerned
once you leave the
lab, you're part's over.
- Yeah, well...
What do you mean over?
- We haven't decided if
we're gonna tell our child
that I was artificial
inseminated.
- Well, I wouldn't
tell him either,
but I mean the
kid is partly mine.
And I would kind of
like to hang around
and give some advice, you know.
- But if you saw the child, it
would only be complicated
and confusing for everybody.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a second.
If I saw the child?
What are you saying?
You don't want me to
ever, ever, even see the kid?
- Well, it's for the good
of everyone, Schneider.
- I don't think that's
for the good of me.
- But do you honestly
think you could see a child
that was a part of you
and not let on sometime?
- Well, yeah sure
that's possible.
Yeah, I mean it's possible.
Maybe not.
I guess I'd always
be looking at his face
to see how much
he looked like me.
Probably take the
rattle out of his hand
and give him a pair
of pliers to play with.
Gee, I don't know.
To know that he's out there
and not be able to see him.
I mean not be able to...
I don't think I can hack that.
I'm sorry if
that's the way it has to be.
I mean, if it has
to be that way,
then I don't think...
- Oh, but Dwayne...
- Maybe you need some
more time to think about it.
- No, I don't need
no time, Dave.
I mean I...
I would wanna hang out with him.
I would wanna be with
him and play ball with him.
I never did that with
my own son, you know.
- Hey.
You okay?
- Oh yeah, I'm...
Funny thing is, you know,
I'm just like the Woods here.
I mean they wanna
kid, and I wanna kid.
You know, you really
should go to that sperm bank.
That's what they have 'em for.
I tell you Dave he's
gonna be fine kid.
Gonna be a
terrific, terrific kid.
- Oh, Schneider.
You forgot this.
- Listen, I brought this up.
I'd like you to give
this to little Dwayne
when he comes along.
That was mine when I was a kid.
Nowadays, you could even
give it to little Dwaynette.
- Look, Schneider you don't...
- Hey, c'mon, will ya.
That's a terrific mitt.
That's a genuine
Whitey Kurowski.
I'd like him to have it.
I would.
I really... Just tell
him it's from his...
Tell him it's from
Uncle Schneider.
But don't ever tell him
he was almost my son.
That'd break his heart.
Break his heart.
(audience clapping)
("One Day at a Time Theme")