One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 15 - Out of Bounds - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one
you get so go and have ball
♪ Well this is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- There we go.
- Okay.
There you go.
- Alright now you
gotta hear this,
you gotta hear this.
The only thing
standing between me
and the agony of
victory, is the seven pin.
(audience laughing)
- Oh geez, he telling
that story again?
- Yeah. Yeah there's
my pal here, right?
He comes up to me
and he says to me,
"Just because all your
lodge brothers are here,
don't mean you have to choke up
and throw the
ball in the gutter."
That's my pal. That's
Beerbelly, there he is.
- What are pals for? (laughing)
- And then, his
wife here, right?
She decides she's gonna
give me a little advice.
- All I said was
keep your head up,
your knees bent,
your wrists locked,
and your eyes shut.
(audience laughing)
- That's what my mom told
me to do on my first date.
(audience laughing)
So how'd he do?
- Oh Schneid came through.
- I wanna tell ya it
was close though man,
that seven pin was going
(making wobbly sounds)
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, then I gave
it a little body English.
Wah! (audience laughing)
- I wanna tell ya the
whole joint was shaking,
it was like 5.4 on
the Richter scale.
(audience laughing)
- Did you get a trophy?
- Yeah, well, I'm
supposed to get a trophy,
that's what they say,
but to tell you the truth,
I think they took all the
money, spent it on beer.
- Not all of it.
Ta-da!
- Selma and I picked
it up on the way over.
- You son of a gun.
And you son of a gunness.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Annie,
make the presentation.
- Oh no, me? I don't
think that I'm one to -
No come on, go ahead.
- Do it. Okay, Alright,
- make it, make it.
- I'll do it. I'm gonna
do it right now.
Okay, Schneider, I will
read the word inscribed
on this trophy by your friends.
Bowler of the year, 1954?
(audience laughing)
- We got a deal on it. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- First place,
Sister Mary Francis.
(audience laughing)
- We'll tape over that.
Unless you want it.
- Maybe it's blessed.
- Yeah here ya go.
- Gee, I don't know what to say,
I got a lot of people
to thank for this.
I'd like to thank my parents,
The U.S. Hockey Team, The Navy,
a certain, Miss Tina Boccaro,
who taught me how
to relax under pressure.
(audience laughing)
And I want to
thank all my friends
who stood by me, who
never lost faith in me,
to you, and to you,
and to you, and to you.
This is a day that
I'll never forget
because how could
forgetfulness be
part of an unforgettable event?
- Schneider, that was memorable.
- Yeah. Real memorable.
What was it you said?
(laughing loudly)
- I tell ya, it's
disgusting to see
friends get along as
well as you guys do.
- Hey listen, we
were once part of a
barber shop quartet, - Oh.
- til belly here married the
soprano.
- No I don't want
to even think about
how long ago that was.
♪ With someone like you
♪ A pal good and true
♪ I'd like to leave it ♪ All
♪ Behind and go and fly
(singing last note off pitch)
(audience laughing)
- Oh come on, come on.
Enough of this,
my beer's curdling.
(clapping)
- I loved it.
- Hey, Annie, let's go
own to Schneider's place,
and we'll put that trophy
in a place of honor.
- Oh, no I really have to -
No, why don't you just go
okay?
- No, No, come on now, now.
Right now. Come on.
- I'm not sure if you
should - No, come on.
- Alright.
I think we better.
- Come on.
You know we never
got one, you know?
- Wait a minute.
- Yeah?
- I never offered you
my congratulations.
- Oh well, (audience
making shocked noises)
- Hey you guys,
we're waiting for the
elevator.
- No it isn't.
There's nothing in your eye,
it's a little red, that's all.
(audience laughing)
Hi Miss Romano.
- Hi Schneider.
- Hi.
- Listen, have you got
any neck crick pills?
(audience laughing)
I got a crick in my neck.
- Told you not to sleep with the
trophy under your pillow.
- No, no it wasn't that,
we went out disco
dancing last night
after we left you guys.
- Oh, okay.
- Sit down. I'll give you
the famous Romano rub.
- Don't be too rough now.
- I won't be I'll be careful.
Come on, sit down.
- I wanna tell ya that
Selma's some dancer.
She has got all the moves.
- You're not kidding.
(audience laughing)
- Aww look, Schneider,
doesn't Beerbelly mind?
- Mind what?
- Well you know, your
dancing with his wife so much.
- Nah, he don't... Oh I get it.
- Barbara saw Selma
give me the kiss yesterday,
now she's going
right from that to
first degree hanky panky.
- Come on Schneider.
Eyes closed, lips
quivering, nostrils flaring.
That wasn't hanky, it
was definitely panky.
(audience laughing)
- We're all close together.
Selma, me and Beerbelly,
we're like the Three Musketeers.
- Then that should be better.
- Yeah.
- Okay?
- Yeah it feels better, thanks.
As a matter of fact, I
have an appointment
with one of the
Musketeers today.
- Which one?
Selma Musketeer.
- What for?
- We're going out to lunch.
- Lunch?
- Yeah she wants to plan a
surprise party for Beerbelly.
- Barbara, you should
apologize to Schneider
for jumping to the
wrong conclusions.
- Okay, okay I'm sorry.
Where are you going for lunch?
- Well she suggested
this place to eat,
Rendezvous Room
at Le Petit Vagabond.
(audience laughing)
- Oh I've heard
about that place,
I hear it's a very
intimate hideaway.
Not a hideaway. It's secluded.
Hidden.
- She said they have
great air conditioning.
(audience laughing)
- Bonjour Monsieur.
I am your waiter, Ricky.
(audience laughing)
Can I to get you a cocktail
before your guest arrive?
- No I don't think so Ricky.
I'm just gonna wait. She
should be here any minute.
- If I may suggest, if she
is anything like my wife,
I think you should order now.
(audience laughing)
- No, I'm not married.
This is my best friend's wife.
(audience laughing)
I'll have a double
bourbon on the rocks.
(audience laughing)
- At the very least.
- Oh Schneid, I'm
so sorry I'm late.
- Wow, gee whiz,
you look terrific Selma.
- Well thank you.
- You got another appointment
after our lunch or something?
- Yeah, maybe.
(awkward laughing)
Well, here we are.
- Yeah, here we
are. You're here.
- And you're here.
- And I am here.
(audience laughing)
A double bourbon on the rock.
And I brought two just in
case the madame wanted one.
- Madame doesn't drink bourbon.
- Leave it.
(audience laughing)
- Of course. Your menu.
- So what kind
of a surprise party
are we talking
about for Beerbelly?
- Oh, a big one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What's the occasion?
- His birthday.
- Selma, his birthday
isn't for six months.
- Yeah, yeah that
way we can have
a lot of planning meetings.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, do a lot of planning.
- Yeah.
- Let's see here, let's
see on the menu here.
The soup du jour
looks pretty good,
what are you gonna have?
- You.
(audience laughing)
- Me?
- Madame look famished.
(audience laughing)
And the speciality
today is breast of chicken,
with wild rice, a hot
dish for a cold day.
- I already have a
hot dish for a cold day.
(audience laughing)
- We'll have two number threes.
- Monsieur, this
is not La Pizza Hut.
(audience laughing)
- Could you bring us
two specials please?
- Certainment
- Schneid, - Yeah?
- Do you remember Monte
Carlo night at the lodge?
- No, no I don't remember that.
- We danced to the
theme of The Godfather.
- No I don't
(singing tune of The Godfather)
(audience laughing)
- Does Madame take requests?
(audience laughing)
- I'm just crazy
about ya, Schneid.
And I know your nuts about me.
- Look Selma, you can't.
You can't, this is all wrong.
You can't talk like this,
Beerbelly is my best friend.
I mean in my whole life,
I never had a
friend like Beerbelly.
- Oh I just can't fight
it anymore, Dwayne.
Now, look me in the eye,
and tell me that you
don't find me attractive.
- Well I can't say that, Selma.
You're an attractive woman.
- Tell me you don't
think about me.
- Oh I don't.
- You do.
- I don't.
- How can you say that?
(audience laughing)
- Well it's true,
sometimes I think about ya.
- Yeah? When?
- Sometimes at night.
- Yeah.
- We're strolling along a
deserted beach together.
- We are? Where?
- New Jersey.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, it's a place I used
to go when I was a kid.
It's a very lovely beach.
You don't get too
much tar on your feet.
(audience laughing)
Selma, I can't be telling
you all these things.
- Oh yes, you can. Go on.
- Well, we're lying
together on a blanket.
- Yeah?
- It's an Army surplus blanket.
(audience laughing)
It's wollen, so it's very itchy,
you know, but so what.
- Yeah right, so what?
- Anyway, stars are out,
the seagulls are
flapping overhead,
and you and I, we're
scratching from the blanket,
and we're ducking
from the seagulls.
- Yeah? Yeah, and then what?
- And Willy Mays comes to bat.
- What?
- Because I go right out
to the old polar grounds,
because this
fantasy is all wrong.
This is all wrong. I
mean, you and me,
and the stars, and the waves,
and the tides, and the
seagulls, it's all wrong.
You don't want to go sneaking
around behind
Beerbelly's back, Selma.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm gonna tell him.
- You're gonna tell him?
What are you gonna tell him?
You can't do that to Belly.
I mean the guy is
a devoted husband.
- Devoted?
Maybe you haven't noticed
Dwayne, but he's changed.
He's not the guy
I fell in love with.
- Oh alright, so he's
put on a few pounds.
- Oh come on, it's
not just the weight.
He treats me like
a stick of furniture.
He comes home from work,
watches every damn
game on the tube,
then he has his six
pack, and it's off to bed.
You wanna know
about our sex life?
- Hot, hot, hot.
(audience laughing)
- It has been two months
since we made love.
My Chevy gets better service.
(audience laughing)
- I don't want to hear
these kind of stories.
We're breaking a lot
of commandments here.
Selma, at least, at least
seven out of the top 10.
(audience laughing)
- Alright, alright.
But just answer me this,
if Beerbelly weren't
in the picture,
would things be different?
Well I mean, well I guess.
But what's the sense of
even talking about that?
- Should we charge
this to your room?
- There are no rooms!
Nobody's got any rooms,
we didn't even
think about rooms!
(waiter singing theme
from The Godfather)
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, we're
really sorry to bother you
in the middle of the night,
but the steam from that pipe
is really driving us
crazy, you know?
- Well sometimes
those pipes can drive
us crazy you know?
(audience laughing)
- Besides, I didn't
get much sleep.
I was thinking about Willy Mays.
- Who?
- I need a plumbing
wrench for this job here.
- So how'd lunch go today?
- Oh, it was fine. A lot
of fun, a lot of laughs.
- Yeah? When's the party?
- The what?
- The party, for Beerbelly.
- Oh the party, yeah
that's coming up,
that's coming right up.
We talked all
about the balloons,
and streamers, and party favors.
Look at this, life of a
maintenance engineer
is a 24 hour thing I mean,
you try to get some
sleep, you can't even.
- I did it Schneid.
I left Beerbelly.
It's just you and me.
(audience applause)
- Selma.
- Honey?
- Oh boy, I think I better go.
- Barbara please.
Selma you can't stay here.
- Why not?
Didn't you say that if Beerbelly
wasn't in the picture
everything would be okay,
you said that didn't you?
- Schneider,
I really should go.
- Please Barbara.
- Boy, this is a
fine how do you do.
I leave a marriage of 20 years,
and rush right into
instant rejection.
I'm a fool aren't I, Barbara?
- Oh Selma, - Just
tell me this, Barbara.
If you loved someone,
wouldn't you give up
everything for that love?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, but I mean,
if someone involved
like your best friend,
you know that would
change things, right?
- Well it could, -
Even if this best friend
treated his wife like dirt?
Once nodding off, in the
middle of making whoopie.
While muttering, "I'll
have another Schlitz lite."
(audience laughing)
- I really don't think I should
be listening to any of this.
He fell asleep?
- Uh huh.
(audience laughing)
- Oh. Schneider,
why don't you just fix
that pipe in the morning
okay? I really gotta go.
- No, no, no, no, I'm
gonna come right up
and fix that now.
Listen, Selma,
you just, you know,
you just relax and take it easy.
There's a little beer
in the fridge there,
you can have that.
I'll be back in a few minutes,
and we'll talk
this thing through.
- Aww, that's the
Schneider I know.
Virile and strong
and in command.
Don't be too long.
(Selma singing theme
from The Godfather)
(audience laughing)
- Schneider I want
you to listen to me.
I have seen Selma
and Beerbelly together
over the years, and believe me,
this has less to do with you,
than it does with Phil Donahue.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Yes.
Woman today are bombarded with
television shows, and
books and magazines,
telling them how
unhappy they are.
How they have to make
changes in their lives.
Selma looks at you, and probably
thinks the grass is greener.
Look, the point is, Selma
hasn't lived with you,
she's been with Beerbelly,
day in and day out for 20 years.
She's seen the worts.
- Right. And next to
a wort, you look good.
(audience laughing)
- No.
Schneider look, I think
I know you pretty well,
and I care about you. I do.
So, no matter how
tempting this may be,
you gotta put a stop to it,
or you're not gonna be
able to live with yourself.
- Listen, I know
that, Miss Romano.
That's why nothing has ever
happened in the past 20 years.
It's just that, I
don't know, she's,
she's like forbidden fruit.
Like a papaya.
(audience laughing)
Or a mango.
Or a pinata.
(audience laughing)
- Well look, it's not too late.
Nothing has really transpired.
Well even if something
has transpired,
- Nothing has transpired!
- Okay, okay, good.
Then Schneider, come
on, get her out of your
apartment huh?
- Right.
Cause if Beerbelly
catches her down there,
you've bought your
last sump pump.
- Boy, you're not kidding.
I once saw him clean
out an entire bar,
just because a guy
winked at Selma.
Turned out, the guy
had a nervous twitch.
(audience laughing)
He don't have it no more.
- Well then, you
better get moving,
come on.
- Yeah.
- I gotta figure
out what to say.
What a second, what
about you and the pipe?
You people are
never - Oh Schneider,
- gonna get any sleep.
- It's not important.
- Of course I gotta fix it.
- Well mom, I've learned
one thing from all this.
- What's that?
- I'm never going bowling
with another man's wife.
(audience laughing)
- Hi there, Beerbelly.
What a pleasant surprise.
- Where's Schneider?
I've gotta find him.
- Who?
- Schneider. I'm
looking for him.
I just came up from his place.
- Aha. Well, is there
anything wrong?
- It's personal.
- Personal?
- Very personal.
- Well would you
like a cup of coffee.
- No, coffee's not a good idea.
(stammering) no,
it's in there, no.
And particularly my coffee,
cause I make lousy coffee.
A good idea is to have coffee
from an all night diner, okay?
So, why don't you come with me,
because sometimes
it's easier to talk about
personal things with
an impersonal person.
You know what I mean?
- No.
- Well that wasn't
too hard, I just.
- Schneider.
- Now don't do nothing crazy,
when it can all
be explained Belly!
- Schneider, thank
god I found ya.
I just was down at your
place, no one answered.
What can be explained?
- Well the fact that
I'm up here with these
ladies at three in the morning,
they had a broken steam pipe,
it was making a lot of noise.
(imitating steam)
- Tonight I'm a wreck,
this is the worst
night of my life.
I need you old buddy,
you're all I got left.
- I'm all you got left?
- Yeah.
My little Selma left me.
I woke up in the
middle of the night,
and there's a note
stuck on my six pack.
(audience laughing)
- A note?
- Yeah. She left
me for some creep.
- Did the note
describe the creep?
(audience laughing)
- No. But when I
get my hands on him,
(audience laughing)
You know something?
She must've been building
up to this for a long time.
Sneaking around behind my back.
You know what I found
in the bottom of her purse?
A matchbook.
- Aha! You caught her smoking.
(audience laughing)
- The Rendezvous Room.
- The Rendezvous Room.
- The Rendezvous Room.
- Schneider!
- Yeah!
- Why would she leave an A,
number one guy like me, huh?
- Hard to believe.
- I mean, do you see me
running around with other women?
Don't I come home
straight from work,
every night just to
watch the game?
(audience laughing)
And on our anniversary,
wasn't it me who
took her to (mumbling)
Oh what am I boring you
girls with this problem?
Let's go down to
your place, come on.
- No listen, let's go on over to
the Boom Boom Room.
- Boom Boom Room,
dressed like that?
- Well I, - What's
wrong with your place?
Unless you got a
bimbo down there.
(laughing)
- If I had a bimbo down there,
would I be up
here talking to you?
(laughing loudly)
- Come on, let's go.
- Bye!
(audience laughing)
- Belly, if I open this door,
things may never be
the same between us.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
- There's something
I gotta tell you Belly.
- Okay, open the door, we'll
have a beer and sit down.
- Belly, this may hurt.
But I mean it from
the bottom of my heart,
Selma didn't leave you.
- What do you mean
she didn't leave me?
- No she left some
clown masquerading
around in your place.
Look at ya. I mean,
look at ya, Belly.
Look what's happened to you.
Would ya look?
You used to take
care of yourself.
There was a snap in stride
and a click in your heals.
I mean you used
to dress terrific.
- What are you giving me?
- I'm giving you
the truth, Belly.
Somewhere along the line,
you stopped caring
about yourself.
But what's worse, you
stopped caring about Selma.
- What are you talking about?
- Belly, now listen to
me, when we go to a club,
who winds up dancing with Selma?
I do. Because you're
too busy guzzling beer,
and taking Selma for granted.
She didn't run out on you,
she didn't run out on you.
You left her a long time ago.
I love you, Belly.
I really I love you,
and I love Selma.
And I think you guys are
terrific for one another.
I gotta tell you something, pal.
You got nobody to
blame for this, but yourself.
Well maybe that's
not altogether true.
That's all I got to say, kid.
Go ahead, you wanna
take a punch at me?
Go ahead, give me your
Sunday best, there it is.
(audience laughing)
- You're right. You're right.
I had the greatest woman
in the world, and I blew it.
I blew it.
She was my life, you know that?
Schneider, my life.
I loved her more than
anything in the world.
And I lost her.
- Oh sweetheart, you
didn't lose me, here I am.
- Selma!
(audience laughing)
(door slams)
(loud banging)
(applause)
(instrumental theme song)
♪ This is life, the one
you get so go and have ball
♪ Well this is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- There we go.
- Okay.
There you go.
- Alright now you
gotta hear this,
you gotta hear this.
The only thing
standing between me
and the agony of
victory, is the seven pin.
(audience laughing)
- Oh geez, he telling
that story again?
- Yeah. Yeah there's
my pal here, right?
He comes up to me
and he says to me,
"Just because all your
lodge brothers are here,
don't mean you have to choke up
and throw the
ball in the gutter."
That's my pal. That's
Beerbelly, there he is.
- What are pals for? (laughing)
- And then, his
wife here, right?
She decides she's gonna
give me a little advice.
- All I said was
keep your head up,
your knees bent,
your wrists locked,
and your eyes shut.
(audience laughing)
- That's what my mom told
me to do on my first date.
(audience laughing)
So how'd he do?
- Oh Schneid came through.
- I wanna tell ya it
was close though man,
that seven pin was going
(making wobbly sounds)
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, then I gave
it a little body English.
Wah! (audience laughing)
- I wanna tell ya the
whole joint was shaking,
it was like 5.4 on
the Richter scale.
(audience laughing)
- Did you get a trophy?
- Yeah, well, I'm
supposed to get a trophy,
that's what they say,
but to tell you the truth,
I think they took all the
money, spent it on beer.
- Not all of it.
Ta-da!
- Selma and I picked
it up on the way over.
- You son of a gun.
And you son of a gunness.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Annie,
make the presentation.
- Oh no, me? I don't
think that I'm one to -
No come on, go ahead.
- Do it. Okay, Alright,
- make it, make it.
- I'll do it. I'm gonna
do it right now.
Okay, Schneider, I will
read the word inscribed
on this trophy by your friends.
Bowler of the year, 1954?
(audience laughing)
- We got a deal on it. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- First place,
Sister Mary Francis.
(audience laughing)
- We'll tape over that.
Unless you want it.
- Maybe it's blessed.
- Yeah here ya go.
- Gee, I don't know what to say,
I got a lot of people
to thank for this.
I'd like to thank my parents,
The U.S. Hockey Team, The Navy,
a certain, Miss Tina Boccaro,
who taught me how
to relax under pressure.
(audience laughing)
And I want to
thank all my friends
who stood by me, who
never lost faith in me,
to you, and to you,
and to you, and to you.
This is a day that
I'll never forget
because how could
forgetfulness be
part of an unforgettable event?
- Schneider, that was memorable.
- Yeah. Real memorable.
What was it you said?
(laughing loudly)
- I tell ya, it's
disgusting to see
friends get along as
well as you guys do.
- Hey listen, we
were once part of a
barber shop quartet, - Oh.
- til belly here married the
soprano.
- No I don't want
to even think about
how long ago that was.
♪ With someone like you
♪ A pal good and true
♪ I'd like to leave it ♪ All
♪ Behind and go and fly
(singing last note off pitch)
(audience laughing)
- Oh come on, come on.
Enough of this,
my beer's curdling.
(clapping)
- I loved it.
- Hey, Annie, let's go
own to Schneider's place,
and we'll put that trophy
in a place of honor.
- Oh, no I really have to -
No, why don't you just go
okay?
- No, No, come on now, now.
Right now. Come on.
- I'm not sure if you
should - No, come on.
- Alright.
I think we better.
- Come on.
You know we never
got one, you know?
- Wait a minute.
- Yeah?
- I never offered you
my congratulations.
- Oh well, (audience
making shocked noises)
- Hey you guys,
we're waiting for the
elevator.
- No it isn't.
There's nothing in your eye,
it's a little red, that's all.
(audience laughing)
Hi Miss Romano.
- Hi Schneider.
- Hi.
- Listen, have you got
any neck crick pills?
(audience laughing)
I got a crick in my neck.
- Told you not to sleep with the
trophy under your pillow.
- No, no it wasn't that,
we went out disco
dancing last night
after we left you guys.
- Oh, okay.
- Sit down. I'll give you
the famous Romano rub.
- Don't be too rough now.
- I won't be I'll be careful.
Come on, sit down.
- I wanna tell ya that
Selma's some dancer.
She has got all the moves.
- You're not kidding.
(audience laughing)
- Aww look, Schneider,
doesn't Beerbelly mind?
- Mind what?
- Well you know, your
dancing with his wife so much.
- Nah, he don't... Oh I get it.
- Barbara saw Selma
give me the kiss yesterday,
now she's going
right from that to
first degree hanky panky.
- Come on Schneider.
Eyes closed, lips
quivering, nostrils flaring.
That wasn't hanky, it
was definitely panky.
(audience laughing)
- We're all close together.
Selma, me and Beerbelly,
we're like the Three Musketeers.
- Then that should be better.
- Yeah.
- Okay?
- Yeah it feels better, thanks.
As a matter of fact, I
have an appointment
with one of the
Musketeers today.
- Which one?
Selma Musketeer.
- What for?
- We're going out to lunch.
- Lunch?
- Yeah she wants to plan a
surprise party for Beerbelly.
- Barbara, you should
apologize to Schneider
for jumping to the
wrong conclusions.
- Okay, okay I'm sorry.
Where are you going for lunch?
- Well she suggested
this place to eat,
Rendezvous Room
at Le Petit Vagabond.
(audience laughing)
- Oh I've heard
about that place,
I hear it's a very
intimate hideaway.
Not a hideaway. It's secluded.
Hidden.
- She said they have
great air conditioning.
(audience laughing)
- Bonjour Monsieur.
I am your waiter, Ricky.
(audience laughing)
Can I to get you a cocktail
before your guest arrive?
- No I don't think so Ricky.
I'm just gonna wait. She
should be here any minute.
- If I may suggest, if she
is anything like my wife,
I think you should order now.
(audience laughing)
- No, I'm not married.
This is my best friend's wife.
(audience laughing)
I'll have a double
bourbon on the rocks.
(audience laughing)
- At the very least.
- Oh Schneid, I'm
so sorry I'm late.
- Wow, gee whiz,
you look terrific Selma.
- Well thank you.
- You got another appointment
after our lunch or something?
- Yeah, maybe.
(awkward laughing)
Well, here we are.
- Yeah, here we
are. You're here.
- And you're here.
- And I am here.
(audience laughing)
A double bourbon on the rock.
And I brought two just in
case the madame wanted one.
- Madame doesn't drink bourbon.
- Leave it.
(audience laughing)
- Of course. Your menu.
- So what kind
of a surprise party
are we talking
about for Beerbelly?
- Oh, a big one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What's the occasion?
- His birthday.
- Selma, his birthday
isn't for six months.
- Yeah, yeah that
way we can have
a lot of planning meetings.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, do a lot of planning.
- Yeah.
- Let's see here, let's
see on the menu here.
The soup du jour
looks pretty good,
what are you gonna have?
- You.
(audience laughing)
- Me?
- Madame look famished.
(audience laughing)
And the speciality
today is breast of chicken,
with wild rice, a hot
dish for a cold day.
- I already have a
hot dish for a cold day.
(audience laughing)
- We'll have two number threes.
- Monsieur, this
is not La Pizza Hut.
(audience laughing)
- Could you bring us
two specials please?
- Certainment
- Schneid, - Yeah?
- Do you remember Monte
Carlo night at the lodge?
- No, no I don't remember that.
- We danced to the
theme of The Godfather.
- No I don't
(singing tune of The Godfather)
(audience laughing)
- Does Madame take requests?
(audience laughing)
- I'm just crazy
about ya, Schneid.
And I know your nuts about me.
- Look Selma, you can't.
You can't, this is all wrong.
You can't talk like this,
Beerbelly is my best friend.
I mean in my whole life,
I never had a
friend like Beerbelly.
- Oh I just can't fight
it anymore, Dwayne.
Now, look me in the eye,
and tell me that you
don't find me attractive.
- Well I can't say that, Selma.
You're an attractive woman.
- Tell me you don't
think about me.
- Oh I don't.
- You do.
- I don't.
- How can you say that?
(audience laughing)
- Well it's true,
sometimes I think about ya.
- Yeah? When?
- Sometimes at night.
- Yeah.
- We're strolling along a
deserted beach together.
- We are? Where?
- New Jersey.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, it's a place I used
to go when I was a kid.
It's a very lovely beach.
You don't get too
much tar on your feet.
(audience laughing)
Selma, I can't be telling
you all these things.
- Oh yes, you can. Go on.
- Well, we're lying
together on a blanket.
- Yeah?
- It's an Army surplus blanket.
(audience laughing)
It's wollen, so it's very itchy,
you know, but so what.
- Yeah right, so what?
- Anyway, stars are out,
the seagulls are
flapping overhead,
and you and I, we're
scratching from the blanket,
and we're ducking
from the seagulls.
- Yeah? Yeah, and then what?
- And Willy Mays comes to bat.
- What?
- Because I go right out
to the old polar grounds,
because this
fantasy is all wrong.
This is all wrong. I
mean, you and me,
and the stars, and the waves,
and the tides, and the
seagulls, it's all wrong.
You don't want to go sneaking
around behind
Beerbelly's back, Selma.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm gonna tell him.
- You're gonna tell him?
What are you gonna tell him?
You can't do that to Belly.
I mean the guy is
a devoted husband.
- Devoted?
Maybe you haven't noticed
Dwayne, but he's changed.
He's not the guy
I fell in love with.
- Oh alright, so he's
put on a few pounds.
- Oh come on, it's
not just the weight.
He treats me like
a stick of furniture.
He comes home from work,
watches every damn
game on the tube,
then he has his six
pack, and it's off to bed.
You wanna know
about our sex life?
- Hot, hot, hot.
(audience laughing)
- It has been two months
since we made love.
My Chevy gets better service.
(audience laughing)
- I don't want to hear
these kind of stories.
We're breaking a lot
of commandments here.
Selma, at least, at least
seven out of the top 10.
(audience laughing)
- Alright, alright.
But just answer me this,
if Beerbelly weren't
in the picture,
would things be different?
Well I mean, well I guess.
But what's the sense of
even talking about that?
- Should we charge
this to your room?
- There are no rooms!
Nobody's got any rooms,
we didn't even
think about rooms!
(waiter singing theme
from The Godfather)
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, we're
really sorry to bother you
in the middle of the night,
but the steam from that pipe
is really driving us
crazy, you know?
- Well sometimes
those pipes can drive
us crazy you know?
(audience laughing)
- Besides, I didn't
get much sleep.
I was thinking about Willy Mays.
- Who?
- I need a plumbing
wrench for this job here.
- So how'd lunch go today?
- Oh, it was fine. A lot
of fun, a lot of laughs.
- Yeah? When's the party?
- The what?
- The party, for Beerbelly.
- Oh the party, yeah
that's coming up,
that's coming right up.
We talked all
about the balloons,
and streamers, and party favors.
Look at this, life of a
maintenance engineer
is a 24 hour thing I mean,
you try to get some
sleep, you can't even.
- I did it Schneid.
I left Beerbelly.
It's just you and me.
(audience applause)
- Selma.
- Honey?
- Oh boy, I think I better go.
- Barbara please.
Selma you can't stay here.
- Why not?
Didn't you say that if Beerbelly
wasn't in the picture
everything would be okay,
you said that didn't you?
- Schneider,
I really should go.
- Please Barbara.
- Boy, this is a
fine how do you do.
I leave a marriage of 20 years,
and rush right into
instant rejection.
I'm a fool aren't I, Barbara?
- Oh Selma, - Just
tell me this, Barbara.
If you loved someone,
wouldn't you give up
everything for that love?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, but I mean,
if someone involved
like your best friend,
you know that would
change things, right?
- Well it could, -
Even if this best friend
treated his wife like dirt?
Once nodding off, in the
middle of making whoopie.
While muttering, "I'll
have another Schlitz lite."
(audience laughing)
- I really don't think I should
be listening to any of this.
He fell asleep?
- Uh huh.
(audience laughing)
- Oh. Schneider,
why don't you just fix
that pipe in the morning
okay? I really gotta go.
- No, no, no, no, I'm
gonna come right up
and fix that now.
Listen, Selma,
you just, you know,
you just relax and take it easy.
There's a little beer
in the fridge there,
you can have that.
I'll be back in a few minutes,
and we'll talk
this thing through.
- Aww, that's the
Schneider I know.
Virile and strong
and in command.
Don't be too long.
(Selma singing theme
from The Godfather)
(audience laughing)
- Schneider I want
you to listen to me.
I have seen Selma
and Beerbelly together
over the years, and believe me,
this has less to do with you,
than it does with Phil Donahue.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Yes.
Woman today are bombarded with
television shows, and
books and magazines,
telling them how
unhappy they are.
How they have to make
changes in their lives.
Selma looks at you, and probably
thinks the grass is greener.
Look, the point is, Selma
hasn't lived with you,
she's been with Beerbelly,
day in and day out for 20 years.
She's seen the worts.
- Right. And next to
a wort, you look good.
(audience laughing)
- No.
Schneider look, I think
I know you pretty well,
and I care about you. I do.
So, no matter how
tempting this may be,
you gotta put a stop to it,
or you're not gonna be
able to live with yourself.
- Listen, I know
that, Miss Romano.
That's why nothing has ever
happened in the past 20 years.
It's just that, I
don't know, she's,
she's like forbidden fruit.
Like a papaya.
(audience laughing)
Or a mango.
Or a pinata.
(audience laughing)
- Well look, it's not too late.
Nothing has really transpired.
Well even if something
has transpired,
- Nothing has transpired!
- Okay, okay, good.
Then Schneider, come
on, get her out of your
apartment huh?
- Right.
Cause if Beerbelly
catches her down there,
you've bought your
last sump pump.
- Boy, you're not kidding.
I once saw him clean
out an entire bar,
just because a guy
winked at Selma.
Turned out, the guy
had a nervous twitch.
(audience laughing)
He don't have it no more.
- Well then, you
better get moving,
come on.
- Yeah.
- I gotta figure
out what to say.
What a second, what
about you and the pipe?
You people are
never - Oh Schneider,
- gonna get any sleep.
- It's not important.
- Of course I gotta fix it.
- Well mom, I've learned
one thing from all this.
- What's that?
- I'm never going bowling
with another man's wife.
(audience laughing)
- Hi there, Beerbelly.
What a pleasant surprise.
- Where's Schneider?
I've gotta find him.
- Who?
- Schneider. I'm
looking for him.
I just came up from his place.
- Aha. Well, is there
anything wrong?
- It's personal.
- Personal?
- Very personal.
- Well would you
like a cup of coffee.
- No, coffee's not a good idea.
(stammering) no,
it's in there, no.
And particularly my coffee,
cause I make lousy coffee.
A good idea is to have coffee
from an all night diner, okay?
So, why don't you come with me,
because sometimes
it's easier to talk about
personal things with
an impersonal person.
You know what I mean?
- No.
- Well that wasn't
too hard, I just.
- Schneider.
- Now don't do nothing crazy,
when it can all
be explained Belly!
- Schneider, thank
god I found ya.
I just was down at your
place, no one answered.
What can be explained?
- Well the fact that
I'm up here with these
ladies at three in the morning,
they had a broken steam pipe,
it was making a lot of noise.
(imitating steam)
- Tonight I'm a wreck,
this is the worst
night of my life.
I need you old buddy,
you're all I got left.
- I'm all you got left?
- Yeah.
My little Selma left me.
I woke up in the
middle of the night,
and there's a note
stuck on my six pack.
(audience laughing)
- A note?
- Yeah. She left
me for some creep.
- Did the note
describe the creep?
(audience laughing)
- No. But when I
get my hands on him,
(audience laughing)
You know something?
She must've been building
up to this for a long time.
Sneaking around behind my back.
You know what I found
in the bottom of her purse?
A matchbook.
- Aha! You caught her smoking.
(audience laughing)
- The Rendezvous Room.
- The Rendezvous Room.
- The Rendezvous Room.
- Schneider!
- Yeah!
- Why would she leave an A,
number one guy like me, huh?
- Hard to believe.
- I mean, do you see me
running around with other women?
Don't I come home
straight from work,
every night just to
watch the game?
(audience laughing)
And on our anniversary,
wasn't it me who
took her to (mumbling)
Oh what am I boring you
girls with this problem?
Let's go down to
your place, come on.
- No listen, let's go on over to
the Boom Boom Room.
- Boom Boom Room,
dressed like that?
- Well I, - What's
wrong with your place?
Unless you got a
bimbo down there.
(laughing)
- If I had a bimbo down there,
would I be up
here talking to you?
(laughing loudly)
- Come on, let's go.
- Bye!
(audience laughing)
- Belly, if I open this door,
things may never be
the same between us.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
- There's something
I gotta tell you Belly.
- Okay, open the door, we'll
have a beer and sit down.
- Belly, this may hurt.
But I mean it from
the bottom of my heart,
Selma didn't leave you.
- What do you mean
she didn't leave me?
- No she left some
clown masquerading
around in your place.
Look at ya. I mean,
look at ya, Belly.
Look what's happened to you.
Would ya look?
You used to take
care of yourself.
There was a snap in stride
and a click in your heals.
I mean you used
to dress terrific.
- What are you giving me?
- I'm giving you
the truth, Belly.
Somewhere along the line,
you stopped caring
about yourself.
But what's worse, you
stopped caring about Selma.
- What are you talking about?
- Belly, now listen to
me, when we go to a club,
who winds up dancing with Selma?
I do. Because you're
too busy guzzling beer,
and taking Selma for granted.
She didn't run out on you,
she didn't run out on you.
You left her a long time ago.
I love you, Belly.
I really I love you,
and I love Selma.
And I think you guys are
terrific for one another.
I gotta tell you something, pal.
You got nobody to
blame for this, but yourself.
Well maybe that's
not altogether true.
That's all I got to say, kid.
Go ahead, you wanna
take a punch at me?
Go ahead, give me your
Sunday best, there it is.
(audience laughing)
- You're right. You're right.
I had the greatest woman
in the world, and I blew it.
I blew it.
She was my life, you know that?
Schneider, my life.
I loved her more than
anything in the world.
And I lost her.
- Oh sweetheart, you
didn't lose me, here I am.
- Selma!
(audience laughing)
(door slams)
(loud banging)
(applause)
(instrumental theme song)