One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 14 - A Tiny Romance - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time.

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Yeah, uh-huh.

It's flight 14 to Chicago
at 4:30 this afternoon.

That's right.

Look, I've got to
get on that flight.

I have an important
business meeting.

Yes, uh-huh, I
know it's snowing.

But could you ask 'em to
plow the field fast, please?

(doorbell ringing)

Yeah, okay, thank you, bye bye.


- It's snowing.

(audience laughing)

- I know.

We're going to miss that
dumb flight you booked us on.

- You're blaming
me for the snow?

- No, of course I'm
not blaming you.

But (groans), I'm sorry.

I'm really uptight
about this trip.

You know, if we miss the flight

we're going to miss the meeting.

If we miss the meeting,

then we're going
to lose the account.

If we lose the account,
we're going to be broke.

- You mean broker.

(audience laughing)

- What difference
does it make, Nick?

(doorbell ringing)

Broke, broker, we're not
going to have any money, right?

- It's snowing.

(audience laughing)

- I know, I know.

- Hi, Ms. Romano.

- Hello, Alex.

- Boy, is she uptight.

- I know, I know.

- Hey, did you guys come here

for any other reason
except to make me crazy?

- And I thought it
was cold in the car.

Dad, I think we should go.

- Yeah, okay, Alex.

Look, Annie, I don't
have much time.

I have to take Alex home.

I just want to
borrow a suitcase.

- Wait a minute.

We're leaving this afternoon
and you don't have a suitcase?

- My ex-wife got the luggage.

- Dad got the backpacks.

(audience laughing)

- You don't want me
to stay at the Biltmore

in a backpack, do ya?

- Biltmore?

Isn't that rather expensive?

- Well, we can't exactly
invite Fisher to lunch at the Y.

- I've got an idea.

- Annie, a suitcase.

- One of us can
stay at the Biltmore,

and you can stay at the Y.

- Dad, can we get going, please.

- Yeah okay, Alex.

Look, Annie, stop worrying.

When we land this account
we'll have plenty of money.

- If we land this account.

- Well, if you just sit back

and let me do the
talking we'll be fine.

- Should I wear a veil?

(audience laughing)

- Nah, you might put on one

of those skirts
with a slit in it.

- Ow!
- Oh, gee wizz.

Sorry, golly I didn't
realize you were that close.

- It's perfect all right.

- A pink suitcase?

- It's Barbara's.

- Oh.

Dad, we've really
got to get going.

- You want me to stay at
the Y with a pink suitcase?

(audience laughing)

I'll get killed.

- Oh wow, I never
thought of that.

- Dad, we really
should be going now.

- Oh Annie,
Annie, I forgive you.

I know you've been working hard

and you're uptight
about the business trip.

You can't help
it if you're in one

of your typical foul moods.

Let's go, Alex.

- There's no hurry now.

The snow plow just
covered your car.

(audience laughing)

- Oh no.

Is this going to be
one of those weeks?

- I think so, mm-hm.

- All right Alex, here,
you take the suitcase.

- Is there a back
exit to the building?

- [Ann] Get out of here.

(audience laughing)

- Finished packing, Mom?

- No.

I can never decide what to take.

I always pack too much.

All right, okay,
help me out here.

Should I take this or this?

- Well, do you want
to get some sleep

or do you want to get lucky?

(audience laughing)

- If I'm lucky I'll
get some sleep.

♪ Chicago, Chicago
♪ That toddlin' town

(audience applauding)

♪ Chicago, Chicago
♪ I'll show you around

- You've been there?

♪ I love it

♪ Bet your bottom
dollar you lose your blues

- Schneider, was there
something that you wanted?

- Yeah well, I just came by.

I wanted to tell you about

a nifty little Windy
City nightspot.

- Huh, well I don't think that
we're going to be able to...

- The Chacha Cafe
and Billiard Parlor.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, do you think you and Nick

will get to see any nightlife?

- No, I don't want to
spend any more time

with Nick than I have to.

- Uh-oh, fighting again, huh?

- No, no, we
never actually fight.

He's more of a constant
nagging pain, like a toothache.

- Maybe you should take
a break from each other.

- Well, we can't take a
break from each other.

We're going to Chicago together,

we're staying in
a hotel together.


(audience laughing)

In separate rooms, Schneider.

This is strictly business.

- Yeah, I'm sure.

Obviously your business
is none of my business.

(audience laughing)

- Though he did make a
crack about us sharing a room.

- He did?

- Yeah, but just to get my goat.

- That's one way of putting it.

(audience laughing)

- Wait a minute.

Mom, maybe this
explains why you and Nick

are so uptight with each other.

- What are you talking about?

- I think Nick is probably
suffering from sexual tension.

- Excuse me?

- You know how men are, Mom.

- No, how are they, daughter?

(audience laughing)

- They think that every
relationship has sexual undertones.

- Or overtones, or
sidetones, halftones.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, you two.

Every relationship?

- Tell you something,
Ms. Romano.

I think the kid
here hit the nail

right on the head with
that sexual tension thing.

- Okay, if Nick is
really feeling that way,

why hasn't he
acted upon it, huh?

- Let me give
you a little insight

into the male psychosis, okay?

- Okay.

- A male is not going
to show his true colors

unless the female
intimates a certain curiosity.

- [Ann] What?

- Well, a man needs
encouragement, he needs reassurance.

A toss of the head, a wink
of the eye, a flash of thigh.

You haven't been
giving that to Nick.

- I know.

I don't want to.

- Yeah, but that's
what's bugging him.

- Do you really think so?

- Trust me.

The guy is going to
continue to give you trouble

until you either set him
straight or set him free.

(audience laughing)

- Oh well, maybe you're right.

- It's the law of nature.

- Okay, all right.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm going to talk to Nick.

- Good for you.

- I'm going to tell him this

is purely a business

- Good.

- Yeah, that there's no
way that anything physical

could ever happen
between us, no way.

And that's it,
he's just going to

have to learn to
live with it, right?



(door knocking)

- Just a minute.

Hi, come on in.

- Hi.

- Oh good, this is great.

You're just in time.

- Oh.

- Here, would you put
this in there, please?

- Yes sure.

Ah, Nick.
- Mm.

- There is something I
would like to discuss with you.

- Sure, go ahead.

(audience laughing)

Is that all you
women think about?

- Oh witty, Nick.

That is really very witty.

No, Nick, I came
in here to discuss

why it is that we're
always arguing.

- You're the one
who always argues.

- What do you mean I'm
the one who always argues?

- That's what I mean.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, look.

I just want you to
know that I understand

why it is that you
get irritated with me.

- You do?

- Yes I do.

You see, it's not
uncommon for men

to find it difficult to be
just friends with a woman.

- I didn't know we were friends.

- Well, you know what I mean.

We work together,
we travel together,

and now we're in
a hotel together.

- Hey, we're making progress.

- No, um, no.

(audience laughing)

No uh, we're not, Nick.

And that is exactly what I
wanted to talk to you about.

I'm sorry if when we're together

you feel a certain
amount of sexual tension.

- Sexual tension?

- Yes.

You see, I understand that you

are fighting the laws of nature.

- Sexual tension?

- Yes.

But you're going
to have to learn

to deal with it,
Nick, because...

(audience laughing)

(Nick laughing)

Nick, what's so funny?



- I just.

(audience laughing)

Okay, okay.

I'm just a little
bit embarrassed.

- Oh, that's okay, Nick.

- No, no, it's not.

No, it's humiliating.

I don't know what to say.

- You don't have to
say anything really...

- No, wait, wait.

No, I better say something.

- [Ann] Oh, Nick.

- Annie look, I,

I have never thought
of you that way.

(audience laughing)

- You haven't?

- Oh good lord, no.

I mean, I have no sexual
designs on you whatsoever.

- You don't?

- Of course not.

I mean, come on, Annie,
you're my business partner.

- Yes, I am.

- Yeah, I'll tell you
something though.

I am glad you brought it up.

- Why is that?

- Because with women you see,

you have to clear
things up right away.

Otherwise they think
that every relationship

is going to be sexual.

(audience laughing)

(Ann laughing)

So, you know, I got to
get to work on my layout.

So maybe we'll have breakfast
together tomorrow morning

and go over the
whole presentation.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Uh-huh, okay.
- Okay, bye.

Oh Annie.

- Uh-huh?

- Don't worry.

Your virtue is safe with me.

(audience laughing)

- Right.

- (laughs) Sexual tension.

(audience laughing)

- (laughs) That's how women are.

They think every
relationship is sexual.

Oh, men.

Oh my God.

He probably thinks
that I'm attracted to him.

He probably thinks
that I'm the one

who is sexually frustrated.

(laughs) Me?

(laughs) Sexually frustrated?

Ah, this is absurd.

This is ridiculous.

This is absolutely humiliating.

I've got to talk,
mature, calm this now.

Calm this, I've
got to talk to him.

I've got to tell him that this
is not the way things are.

I've got to set the
record straight.

This could totally ruin

our professional
relationship together, right?

Okay so, you just have
to go and talk to him

and tell him that's
the way things are.

You have no sexual designs
on his whatsoever, okay?


(door knocking)

Look... - Hi.

- I'm really sorry.

I thought that, I
must be confused.

- Who the hell is knocking
on the door at this hour?


(audience laughing)

- Hey.

- I see you two have met.

- I'm sorry, excuse me.

(audience applauding)

(door knocking)

- Good morning.

- Morning.

- Did you sleep well?

- Yes, thank you.

Did you... (audience laughing)

Never mind.

I ordered breakfast,
it'll be right up.

- Oh, that's great, I'm starved.

- Yeah, I just bet ya are.

- Ah listen, Annie,
I think we better

clear this up about Brenda.

- No, I don't want to
clear it up about Brenda.

I don't care about Brenda.

Whatever you do in
your Neanderthal hours

is entirely up to you.

(audience laughing)

- Of course you
care about Brenda.

You wouldn't be
female if you didn't.

Look, Brenda and I went

to the Chicago Art
Institute together.

- Can we discuss
business, please?

- And then we worked
together for a while

at the same ad agency.

- I really don't
care about this.

- She practically saved my life

when I was getting a divorce.

- Bully for her.

- I mean, I was a basket case,

but she helped pull me through.

I remember one night
there was this big mix up...

- She was wearing
the pajama bottoms

and you were wearing the tops.

(audience laughing)

- Look, Annie, if you're
going to be tacky about this

I'm not going to
explain it to you.

In fact, why am I
explaining it to you?

- I really have no idea.

(door knocking)

Excuse me.
- Certainly.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Ah, right here
is fine, thank you.

I ordered you eggs.

- [Nick] That's
fine, sounds great.

- Do you have a brother?

(audience laughing)

- I'm sorry?

- I could have sworn
I just served you

breakfast across the hall.

- No, I guess not.

(audience laughing)

He had a cute wife, though.

Except that I really
didn't think it was his wife.

You can always tell, big tips.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

- You know, you guys
could have been twins.

- I had a coffee
and a roll, okay?

- I don't care, I really don't.

I've forgotten about
the whole thing already.

Can we just get down
to business, please?

- Yes, business, of course.

Oh, you're really going to
love the work I did on this.

- You mean you
found time to work?

- Just what do you think I
was doing yesterday, huh?

- Ooh, last time I saw you,

you were cavorting around
in half of your pajamas.

- This is really getting to be

an obsession with you, isn't it?

Well, if you're not
here to work, I am.

So I'm going to
show you my layout.

What do you think, Annie?

- It's terrible.

(audience laughing)

- You didn't even look.

- It's still terrible.

It looks like you spent, oh,
maybe two minutes on it.

I'm really disappointed
in you, Nick.

- Annie, I don't think
you're being fair.

- And you think
you're begin fair?

Dragging me all the way to
Chicago, supposedly to work,

and then spending all of
your time in bed with Brenda.

- We did not spend
all of our time in bed.

Oh, I thought you
didn't care what we did.

- I don't care, Nick, except
that it does affect your work.

- My, oh no, nothing
has affected my work.

- Well I am sorry,
Nick, but this layout

is certainly not up to par.

- Well, I want to
tell you something.

Brenda loved it.

- Oh, Brenda loved it.

Isn't that terrific?

Well, why don't you and Brenda

have the meeting
with Fisher, huh?

- Maybe we should.

But you happen to be my partner.

- I wasn't last night.

- Will you leave my
personal life out of this?

- Will you?

(audience applauding)

What was that, Nick?


(audience laughing)

Thank you, kind sir.

- I felt you respond.

- It was a lip twitch.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, Annie, okay.

Maybe I felt myself respond.

- I thought you never
thought of me that way.

- Well, well that's
because I thought

that you never
thought of me that way.

- Well, I didn't think I
thought of you that way.

Maybe I wasn't thinking.

Mm, I can't believe this.

- Neither can I.

- Mm, this is awful.

- It's terrible.

- It's terrific.

- It's fantastic.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- Hi there.

- And where have you been?

(audience laughing)

♪ Chicago, Chicago.

- You were supposed
to come home last night.

- I know, honey, I called.

- You called?

Do you want to
know what you said?

Send a bottle of
champagne to room 762.

Then you hung up.

(audience laughing)

- I see.

That's why we never
got the champagne.

I must have told room
service I'd be home tomorrow.

- You know how
worried Barbara was?

- I'm sorry.

- And how worried I was?

- Sorry.

- Any idea how worried we were?

(audience laughing)

- We called the hotel.

They said you were there but
you were not to be disturbed.

- Not to be disturbed.

- Not to be disturbed.

- Didn't the trip go well?

- Yes, it went very well.

- Get the account?

- No, no, no.

We lost the account.

(audience laughing)

- Usually the body goes
first and then the mind.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, are you all right?

- I'm wonderful.

- Your problem with
Nick, did you clear that up?

- He kissed me.

- He kissed you?

- He kissed her.

- He kissed her.

- I thought you were
going to set him straight.

- Well, we talked.

And then he spent
the night with Brenda.

And then he kissed me.

- Spent the night with Brenda?

Then he kissed you?

Huh, the guy did okay for
a guy with a pink suitcase.

(audience laughing)

- Who's Brenda?

- Oh, it was all just
a misunderstanding.

We had our wires crossed.

- Who's Brenda?

- It took tall, willowy Brenda

to make me realize
how I felt about Nick.

- Who's Brenda?

- And what's her phone number?

(audience laughing)

- Okay, so what happens now?

- Well, I try to find
her phone number...

- No.

(audience laughing)

I mean, with Mom and Nick?

- I don't know.

I'm in a state of shock.

- Well, I'm not in
a state of shock.

I'm not surprised at all, huh?

Strange city, hotel
room, champagne,

a woman in the prime
of her middle age.

(audience laughing)

Hasn't had a date in weeks.

She's bound to make
a fool out of herself.

- Schneider, thank you.

- De nada.

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh, excuse me.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Return of the Pink Panther.

(audience applauding)

- I brought the suitcase back.

- You didn't have to
bring it back so soon.

- I waited as long as I could.

(audience laughing)

- Let's take a hike.

- Yeah, I know a good trail.

(audience laughing)

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Oh.
- For you.

- Oh.

For you.

- This is definitely
nicer than it was before.

- Yes, I've always
preferred kissing to fighting.

- But this is definitely mixing
business with pleasure.

- I know.

I can't wait til the
office Christmas party.

(audience laughing)

- I forgot to tell you, I
checked with the service.

- [Ann] Mm-hm.

- The Mitchell Lamp
account people called.

They moved the meeting
up to tomorrow morning.

- What you trying
to tell me is this

is the end of pleasure and
the beginning of business.

- Right.

- Damn.

But I do have an idea
for that lamp account.

- Yes?

- You turn me on.

- Thanks, but what's the idea?

- No, that is the idea.

- Oh.

- See, you draw a lamp
with a little face in it.

And then you have a caption
and that reads, you turn me on.

- Aha.

- I think it's cute.

- It's too cute.

You can't have a
lamp with a face on it.

That's ridiculous.

- What is ridiculous about that?

I happen.

Okay, maybe you're right.

- Okay, Annie, okay.

Look, how about this?

We have a headline that says,
Charge of the Light Brigade.

And I draw a picture
of a guy on a horse

with a sword in one hand
and a lamp in the other.

- (laughs) You're joking.

You're not.

- What's wrong with it?

- Well, it's bad.

It's just really very bad.

- I think it's clever.

I think it's unique.

I've never seen
anything like it.

- Well, there's
a reason for that.

(audience laughing)

- And this is from a woman
who wants the lamp to talk?

- Well look, it's a lot
better than charging

into the valley of death
with the light brigade.

I mean, all your ideas
are not golden, you know.

- Oh, you're right.

For example,
teaming up with you.

- Well, I thought
things had changed.

- Some things never change.

- Even after last night?

- Last night was personal.

- So, where are we?

- Your idea was lousy.

- So was yours.


Oh damn, you sure can kiss.

I wish you could think.

(audience laughing)

- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait a minute.

You haven't had a thought
on this whole project.

- Now hold it a minute,
Handris, I really feel...

- I'll do the talking.

- Last time you did the
talking we lost the account.

- Well, if you'd come up
with an idea that's good

we wouldn't have
lost the account.

- Watch it, Handris, you're
getting red in the face.

- Well, at least I don't
use dye to get that color.

- Hey, hold on a minute.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)