One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 13 - I Do, I Do - full transcript

Barbara takes up political activism in the form of a man who is about to be deported to a country who wants to execute him.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing you do

♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Alex!

Alex, come on, what
are you doing in there?

- Just studying the
world around us.

- From my bedroom
window all you can see

are telephone poles and
the Cleary sisters' apartment.

- Yeah, those telephone
poles are really built.

(audience laughs)

- Oh boy, am I
glad you don't live

across the street from me.

- I really don't
wanna discuss it.

- Working on that
layer for three weeks,

three weeks of my life.
- Can we just forget it?

I just wanna forget it.
- How do you expect me

to forget it?


- Don't tell me, don't tell me.

You did not get the account.

- Well, it's weenies
and beans time again.

- Oh, what's the problem?

With our cash flow, we
can hold out 'til Wednesday.

- Uh, Dad, that reminds me.

Mom said hi, and the
you-know-what check is late again.

- Terrific.

She told you to say that?

- Well, half of it.

I added the hi.

- Thanks, pal.

- Hey hey hey, come
on, that's for tonight.

- Just one.

- Wait a minute, who'd
you say was coming over?

- Joan Breeman.

I knew her in college.

She's getting
together a whole bunch

of girls to try and
help this student

who's being deported.

- Who's that?

- Eduardo Diaz.

- Hey, is he that field
goal kicker for Perdue?

The blue one against Michigan?

They oughta send him back.

- If they do, he'll
end up in jail.

- For missing a field goal?

(audience laughs)

- What did the student do?

- Oh, I don't know exactly.

Well, it seems
while he was up here

going to school, his
government was overthrown,

so now his family's
on some kind of list.

- Can't he apply
for political asylum?

- He did, but he
was turned down.

- Why?

- I don't know exactly.

- Sounds like he had
your mother in there

pitching for him.

(audience laughs)

- Is there no end
to your talent?

Artist, philosopher, big mouth.

(audience laughs)

- You know, Barbara, I
may have a solution for you.

Your mother can
marry this Eduardo.

That'll keep him in the country,

and it might do wonders
for her disposition.

(audience laughs)

- Dad, I think you just got
the two-minute warning.

- I think you're right.

Let's go, buddy.

Bye, Barbara.

- Thanks, Barb.

- Bye Annie.

- Bye, Nicky.

(audience laughs)

Barbara, I gotta
tell you, I'm glad

you're getting involved
with your college friends.

Maybe it means you'll go-

- Forget it, Mom, okay?

I'm not gonna go
back to college, not yet.

- Okay.

Anyway, I'm still
glad about this.

Sometimes trying to
fight city hall is worthwhile.

- Well, isn't it about
time I did something

something significant?

I mean, what do I do?

I get up in the
morning, eat cold cereal

with low fat milk, take
the number 81 bus

to work, mark down
volleyballs from $11.99

to $9.99, take the
number 81 bus back home.

The highlight of
my life is deciding

whether to wear my
Calvins, my Sergio Valentes,

or just go for the
Jordache look.

(audience laughs)

- Excuse me, but aren't
you exaggerating just a little?

- Maybe.

But I think it is about
time that I grew up

and got involved.

Somebody needs to
help Eduardo, it might

as well start with me.

- Well, good for you.

- Yeah.

So, what are we gonna do?

(audience laughs)

- We?

- Uh sorry, a
little bit of the old

Barbara slipped out there.

- Maybe we should get started.

Since I made the
phone calls, let me

quickly introduce everyone.

This is Carolyn
Zachs, who coordinated

the anti-nuke rally last March.


Fran Murphy, who
led the recall initiative

against Councilman Fowler.


Robin Potter, who
spearheaded the Clean Air Act.

Robin. (clapping)

And Barbara Cooper, who...

(audience laughs)

- I'll get more chips.

- Barbara did
volunteer her apartment,

and we're gonna need
all the help we can get

to keep Eduardo in the country.

- Is there anyone at
the State Department

who reviews a
petition for asylum?

- State Department?

I wish, but they wouldn't
wanna alienate the junta.

We're down
there drilling for oil.

- Well, I did a little checking,

and a federal court
judge can issue

a stay of deportation order.

- But it'd take
weeks to file a brief

and get a judge to hear it.

We only got a few days.

♪ I love coffee, I love tea

♪ I love the girlies
and the girlies love me

(audience laughs)

- Singing a devil.

So what are you doing?

You having a hen party?

- We're caucusing.

- Oh, maybe I better
pull down the shades.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, this is Robin.

She's a member of the
Women's Activist Union.

And this is... Women's
Activist Union?

Gee, you look like
a nice, clean-cut

American kid to me.

- Something un-American
about standing up

for what you believe?

(audience laughs)

- Cream and sugar?

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, come on,
we have a crisis here.

We're trying to stop
a man from going

to prison in Latin America.

- Oh gee, I hope
you talk him out of it.

(audience laughs)

Those pokies down
there are el worsto.

- You-

- Yeah, I got into
a little trouble once

down in Peru going
through a red light.

- Stop sign?

- District.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, Schneider.

- De nada.

So, what's this caucus,
what's this guy up for?

- His Visa expired.

- His Visa expired?

Gee, I know they
would get tough,

but prison because
a guy's Visa expired?

Thank god I got my MasterCard.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, Schneider.

- Oh, yeah.

Okay girls, I'm
gonna leave you now.

Lotsa love with your Caucasian.

(audience laughs)

- Well, what are we going
to do to help Eduardo?

- There's one possibility.

Now, US senators can
introduce a special bill

for an individual.

- Now, that's the answer.

I know we can get a senator.

Oh, but wait a minute, it's
gonna take too much time.

- Come on, we gotta
come up with an idea.

- I have a thought.

Well, it's not
actually my thought.

I mean, my mom's business
partner came up with it.

It's too silly.

- What is it?

- Well, Eduardo could
stay in the country

legally if he married a citizen.

- Hey, that's right.

- See, I told you, it's-

- It's not a bad idea.

- Not a bad idea?

- Yeah, it wouldn't
be a real marriage,

and it'd buy us
the time we need.

- It's a legal loophole,
a technicality.

- And as soon as
Eduardo gets his

immigrant status changed,
bingo, quicky annulment.

(excited talking)

Great idea.

Okay, now, any volunteers?

You got it, Robin,
I'm proud of you.

- No, no no no no no no no.

I was just gonna suggest
that we draw straws.

- Okay, count me in.

It's only for a few days.

- Me too, it's
only a technicality.

- Okay.
- All right.

- It was my idea,
isn't that enough?

Marriage, come
on, I've never even...

(audience laughs)

Okay, I'm in.

I mean, it's for a good cause

and it's just a
technicality, right?

- Right.

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) Imagine
that, the first thing

I ever won, a husband.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, honey.

- Hi.

- Well, how was the meeting?

Anything interesting happen?

- You might say that.

- Good.

Well, did you get involved?

(audience laughs)

- You might say that.

- Good.

Well, so, what are you
gonna do for that man?

- Marry him.

(audience laughs)


- Barbara?


(audience laughs)

You're going to
marry that man, why?

To keep him in the country.

Excuse me, why you?

- Just lucky, I guess.

- You played a game.

You played a game to
see who would marry him.

I don't believe this.

Why don't you play
Chinese checkers?

At least you're good at that.

- Mom, I don't wanna
marry anybody.

I just wanna take
the number 81 bus

to work and mark
down a few volleyballs.

- Well, why didn't you
tell that to the other girls?

- I tried, but they
were too busy singing

and cheering "For She's
a Jolly Good Person."

(audience laughs)

- I don't believe this.

I mean, couldn't you have
started off a little easier?

Like stuffing envelopes.

- Mom, please don't
lecture me, not now.

Just give me some
of that rock-ribbed

earth-mother advice.

- You know what to do.

You're gonna call
him up, tell him

you changed your mind,
you're not marrying anybody.

- You try telling that to
spearhead of the anti-nuke rally.

(doorbell rings)

Who is it?

- Eduardo, Eduardo
Diaz, from the college.

The one you're going to marry.

- Oh, yeah, that Eduardo Diaz.

Just a minute.

- Great.

- Great?
- Yes.

Just be direct, tell him
you are sympathetic,

but you're calling
the wedding off.


Tell him anything you
want, I'll be right here.

- No.

No, you won't be
right here, Mom.

I'm a big girl now.

I can handle this all by myself.

I'm just gonna look
him straight in the eye

and I'm gonna say, "My
mommy won't let me."

(audience laughs)

- Barbara, it is a pleasure.

- No, no, I'm Barbara.

- Oh, Barbara, it is a pleasure.

- This is my
mother, she was just,

she was gonna go
down and visit our super,

weren't you, Mom?
- No no no, but see,

I changed my mind.
- Yes, here.

- The whole thing is,
you see, women tend

to change their mind a lot.

(audience laughs)


- Well.

Here we are, just the two of us.

- Yes, uno, dos.

- Tres, quatro.

- Do you speak Spanish?

- Well, only up to 10.

Eduardo, please, sit down.

I really have to talk to you.

- Yes?

- I've never been
married before.

- No, of course, nor I.

Of course, it's not
a real marriage.

I mean, there would never be...

I mean, there wouldn't be any...
- Any?

- Any... Oh, that any.

- Yes, no.

(audience laughs)

I can't believe you're
doing this for me, Barbara.

- Me either.

- American women are
very strong, very courageous.

- We are?

- Yes.

It would be very easy
for you just to say,

"No, I've changed my mind."

- Not exactly easy.

- You know, it's funny,
'cause even though

it's not a real marriage, I
wish my parents had met you.

- Oh, are they...
No, I don't know.

I haven't heard from
them in six months.

I write, but all my letters
come back "address unknown."

- I'm sorry.

- No, it's, my father wasn't
even involved in politics.

He's a quiet man, an architect.

When the generals
took over and thousands

were executed and
thousands more disappeared,

my father had to speak out.

- Sounds like a
wonderful person.

Very brave human being.

- Yes, he's very much like you.

- Hi.

You... Good.

Eduardo, I want
you to know that we

are deeply sympathetic
to your situation.

- Thank you, thank
you very much.

You're very kind.

But it's getting
late, and I better go.

- Oh, sure.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Bye bye.
- Bye bye.

- Oh, see, darling?

He took it very well.

(audience laughs)

I told you that it was best just

to be direct, to say
what's on your mind

and get it over with.

- How'd you like to
be my maid of honor?

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Barbara, this is
your mother speaking.

Your mother who
has lived a lot longer

than you have and who would like

to impart her
loving point of view.

You are not, not going
to marry that man!

- Mom, I've made up my mind.

- You have not
made up your mind,

you are not going to marry him.

- I am too.

- You are not.

- Am too.
- Are not.

- Am.
- Not. (screams)

The last time we
had this conversation,

we were talking
about Brussels sprouts.

- Well, we're not talking
about Brussels sprouts now.

- Oh, I know.

What is in that
pea brain of yours?

First you drop out
of college, now this.

I've already had
one heart attack.

- Mom, please, will
you stop throwing guilt?

I am finally doing
something worthwhile.

You should've heard
all the terrible things

they told me about
this government.

- Oh, darling, I know,
I read the papers.

It's a very worthy cause.

So is save the whales, but
you don't have to marry one.

(audience laughs)

- I got you a lamp.

- Good, good, wonderful.

- I'll plug it in for you.

- Okay okay okay okay.

- Mom, the man is desperate.

- I don't want you marrying him.

- Will you please stop worrying?

(audience laughs)

I'll get an annulment.

- Darling, there
were half a dozen

other women involved in this.

Why you?

I don't wanna
marry him, I have to.

- You have to?

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, would you mind?

- Would I mind?

Barbara's gonna get married,
Barbara has to get married,

you're asking me if I mind?

I mind.

- Schneider, I don't
have to get married,

he has to get married.

(audience laughs)

- Wait a second, wait a second,

the ERA can't do that, can they?

(audience laughs)

- Schneider.

Bye bye.

Come again some other time.

Phone first.

Bye, bye, bye.

- This union does
not have my blessing.

(audience laughs)

- I've made up my
mind, so whatever

you say will be going in
one ear and out the other.

- What else is new?

- Mom please, will
you listen to me?

I am doing something important.

It feels good.

- Darling, there's gotta
be a better answer.

- (sighs) I hope
so, 'cause I'm really

scared as hell, but
if nothing else works

I'm gonna go through with this.

- You're really gonna
marry that guy, huh?

- Nothing else happens.

- There we go, 34 points.

- Glart?

(audience laughs)

- The glarts.

- Schneider, that's
not an English word.

- I know, it's an American word.

(audience laughs)

- What's it mean?

- 34 points is what
it means, yeah.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, this has
to have been one

of the most frustrating
days of my life.

I spoke to three federal judges,

they all need lawyers' briefs.

Spent two hours
with immigration,

they all have to check
with the State Department.

I even went to
church, lit two candles.

They both blew out.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)


- Yeah, it's 34
points, don't ask.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- They don't act
like they're in love.

(audience laughs)

- Well, our blood
tests came back, so,

I guess we're all set.

- All set.

Oh, Schneider, this is Eduardo.

Eduardo, this is Schneider.

- Buenos dias.

- Oh, you speak Spanish.

- Yeah, I picked
up a few phrases.

I was in the Navy.

Buenas noches, Senorita.

(audience laughs)

Su casa or mi casa?

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Have you ever
been to Latin America?

- Oh yeah, I been all
over Latin America.

Montevideo, Pernambuco,
Bogota, Santa Rosa.

- Ah, I was born in Santa Rosa.

- You're kidding.

- No.

- Geez, I was in Santa
Rosa 20 years ago.

I met a lovely little girl,
flashing brown eyes, Isabella.

- Really?

My mother's name is Isabella.

(audience laughs)

- Isabella...

- Sanchez.

- Ah, mine was O'Reily.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'll come over
tomorrow morning

to pick you up,
go to the city hall,

get the license and... Tomorrow?

- Well, as of midnight tomorrow,

I'm either a husband
or an illegal alien.


Barbara, are you
still sure about this?

- Oh, sure, fine.

Might as well get
down there early,

find a judge, and do it.

- Do it, do what?

(audience laughs)

- You're a very special person.

Well, hasta manana.

- Tampico.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, I wanna
talk to Barbara.

- Oh sure, you
wanna talk to Barbara.

Everybody wants
to talk to Barbara.

When they're all through
talking to Barbara,

Schneider talks to Barbara.

- Schneider, adios.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not surprised you
blew out your candles.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, I gotta get out of this.

- Oh good, you want out.

I will stop Eduardo.

- No no, don't, don't.

I started this, I
have to finish it.

- Darling, please let
somebody else marry him.

- Somebody else can
always do something.

Why can't I?

I'm scared I will and
I'm scared I won't.

If I don't do this, I'll
never do anything.

- Sweetheart, to take those vows

and not really mean
them just is wrong.

- Don't you think I
thought about all that?

Falling in love, marrying
just once forever.

- Belle, then... Mom.

Maybe this will make me cherish

my real marriage all the more.

I'll come to him
a better person.

Do I sound like Joan of Arc?

(audience laughs)

- A little.

- If I do this, Mom, I'm
gonna need your support.

- You got it.

Not my approval.

Always my support, sweetheart.

(doorbell rings)

- Annie, I just...

Schneider, what
are you doing here?

- I'm guarding the phone
in case that senator calls.

- Schneider, I
have to talk to you.

(phone rings)

- Hold up, that could be her.


Hello, who?

Freddy Strenevski?

Are you a senator, Freddy?

A sophomore.

(audience laughs)

No, no, you can't go
out with Barbara tonight.

She's getting married.

Yeah, I know.

Call her Monday.

(audience laughs)

- Listen, Schneider, I just
spoke to my lawyer about it.

- Good news?

- And bad news.

Barbara's under the
impression that she

can get an annulment,
but you can't

under these circumstances.

- Holy moly, what's
the good news?

- That is the good news.

The bad news is that
if you marry an alien

just to keep him in the country,

it's considered a crime and
you can get five years in jail.

- Five years?
- Five years.

- Poor Barbara.

Married, divorced,
an ex-con and still a...

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, where
are Annie and Barbara?

- Well, they're down
at the courthouse.

She could be getting
married any minute.

- Let's go, come on.

- By the authority vested in me

by the state of Indiana,
I now pronounce you

man and wife, kiss the bride.

Good luck to you, next.

(audience laughs)

- Barbara, here.

It just didn't seem
right without flowers.

- Thanks, Joan.

- Just relax.

It's no worse than
a tetanus shot.

(audience laughs)

All right, this won't
take a minute.

Here we are.

Do you, Blanche, take Sydney-

- I'm not Blanche.

- Oh.

Then I guess you know that
means you're not Sydney.

(audience laughs)

- Look, can we just
get on with this, please?

- Oh good, excuse me, officer.

We're looking for a
judge who marries people.

- We're really in a hurry.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, Judge Marsten's.

Downstairs, enter the hall.

- Okay, thank you.
- Okay.

- I'd give it six months.

(audience laughs)

- All righty, here we go.

Do you, Ed-yoo-wardo,
take Barbara

for your lawful wedded wife?

- I do.

- Do you, Barbara,
take Ed-yoo-wardo

for your lawful wedded husband?

- I...

I... Mom, please
don't say anything.

I do.

- And by the power-
- No, she doesn't.

- What?
- We're not getting married.

Barbara, you
don't wanna do this.

- Eduardo... Look.

Don't ever let anybody tell you

you don't have courage.

You do, more than I do.

It's embarrassing,
my country's in trouble,

people fighting to
save it, and I'm here

hiding behind a
wedding ceremony.

I can't do that.

I have to go back.

- They'll put you in jail.

- Maybe, maybe not.

If enough people speak
out, they can't arrest us all.

Viva bien.

- Oh my god,
Schneider, we're too late.

- Barbara, you could
get five years in a pokie.

- All right, now we can
get a quickie divorce.

Come on.
- No.

- Barbara, let's go.


Freddy Strenevski called.


- God be with you.

- [Judge] Next.

- Hey listen!

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)