One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 6, Episode 16 - Once a Mom - full transcript
Ann's come down with influenza and now her meddling mother wants to play nurse-maid as if Ann's still her baby girl.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time,
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
(Ann coughs)
- Oh, Mom, you feel any better?
You don't, do you?
- Darlin', do you know
what it's like to feel so rotten
and miserable that you
wish you were dead?
- Yeah.
- I'd give anything
to feel that good.
(audience laughs)
- Well here, have some yogurt.
You'll feel better.
- I'm sick, I'm not on a diet.
- Come on, you haven't
eaten a thing all day.
- Yes, I have.
I've had four Aspirins
and six Vitamin C
and two spoonfuls of cough
syrup and a package of Rolaids
and some milk of magnesia.
I'm stuffed.
(knocking)
- You expecting anyone?
- Just a man dressed all in
man while a sickle in one hand.
- Hi Barb.
- Oh, hi Nick.
- Hi Annie.
- Hi Nick.
- Oh boy, you still got it.
- Thank you, Nick.
- No, I mean the flu.
Boy, you look lousy.
- Thank you.
- Maybe I'm not
putting this well,
I'm sorry you have the flu.
- Thank you.
Nick, stand still.
- Annie, I can't stay long.
I spoke to the
Henderson Dairy people
and they said our meeting is
tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock.
- Oh, wonderful. (coughs)
- Where's the copy?
- I'm working on it.
- Good.
Can't you type
any faster, Annie.
- Nick, you are lucky
I am moving at all.
- You really resent me
being well, don't you?
Well it so happens
you picked a lousy time
to catch the flu.
- Look, Nick, don't
worry about me, okay?
I will be there tomorrow
morning at 9 AM
and I will have that
copy if it kills me.
It just might.
- You know you
have a nice rosy color.
- I got a fever.
- Ah, well, I'm not
gonna kiss you goodbye.
I don't wanna
catch the flu, okay?
Okay, I'll see you, Barbara.
- [Barbara] Bye.
- Bye sweetheart.
Bye bye.
- Why am I crazy about him?
(telephone rings)
- He's cute I guess.
Hello?
Oh, hi Grandma, just a second.
- No, if she finds out I'm sick,
she'll be over here and
she's not leave me alone.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Okay, make up anything.
Whatever it is but don't
tell her I have the flu.
This meeting tomorrow is a must.
- Grandma, hi.
Mom can't come to
the phone right now
because she's really busy.
Oh sure, yeah,
everything's fine.
(Ann coughs)
Coughing?
No, it's probably a dog
barking in the next apartment.
Oh, right, Schneider
doesn't permit dogs.
Then it's a trained seal.
She wants to come over.
No, Grandma, you
don't have to come over.
No, really, you
shouldn't come over.
No, don't come over.
Okay, bye.
She's coming over.
- Oh, why isn't your sister
here when I need her?
She's always been able
to lie better than you.
A trained seal?
- Four seconds?
Okay, okay.
- Give it to me straight.
- 99.
- No, it can't be 99.
Somebody who feels as
rotten as I do should at least
have the privilege of
a temperature of 112.
109 rock bottom.
(moans)
- Hi there, Miss Romano.
- Hi Schneider.
- Feeling better?
- Well, how do I look?
- Have you called a priest?
(audience laughs)
- I heard that.
- You should be in bed.
- I can't, I can't sleep.
- What don't you put
yourself in my hands?
I'll have you in bed
before you know it.
(audience laughs)
I think you may have
misunderstood that.
- It doesn't make
any difference.
The way I feel I don't
even care what you meant.
- Here, take this.
It's good for what ails you.
- What is it?
- Tequila gumbo soup.
(audience laughs)
- Do you heat it?
- Never over an open flame.
- Thank you Schneider,
I'm gonna pass.
- It's terrific recipe.
I got it from a little
nurse down in Mexicali.
She was...
- I'll pass.
- All right, it ain't
gonna kill you
but you drink this, you're
gonna forget you're sick.
- Look, Mom, why
don't you just go to bed?
You need your rest.
- I can't sleep.
I wish I could.
This meeting tomorrow is a must.
(knocking)
Oh, it's gotta be my mother.
Don't forget, don't say a
thing about my being sick.
- Mum's the word.
- All right, how do I look?
- Maybe you'd
better call that priest.
- Okay, keep her at 20 paces.
I don't want her to see
the reds of my eyes.
- Hi Grandma.
- Hi honey.
- Hi there, Katherine.
- How ya doing?
- Oh, I'm fine.
- Hi Annie.
- Hi Mom!
- Listen, I just can't by
to return this salad bowl
I borrowed last week.
- Oh Grandma,
thank you for this.
This isn't our salad bowl.
- I know.
Well, see, yours was
so old and scratched up.
I threw it away and
bought you a new one.
- Aww, that's nice.
Our cars are old
and scratched up too.
(laughs)
- Hey Mom, I sure
would love to chat
but boy, I got
lots of work to do.
Busy, busy, busy.
- Yeah, don't you wanna
at least try out your
new salad bowl.
I brought all the ingredients
for a Caesar salad.
- Oh yum.
- Oh, Caesar salad!
I love that.
Oh yeah, yeah,
croutons and cheese
and anchovies and crisp lettuce.
Of course, on the other hand,
anchovies are an
endangered species.
They're right up
there with whales.
- Mom, maybe
we'll talk next week.
I am so busy, bye bye.
- Well, all right.
- Yeah.
- Goodbye Grandma.
Thanks for bring the salad bowl.
- Honey, promise that we'll
get together next week, okay?
- Next week, you got it.
- Bye!
- Bye Grandma.
- Bye bye.
(coughs)
Was that a cough?
- Cough, what cough?
(coughs)
- That cough.
Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
- (gasps) You have a fever.
- No, I don't.
- You do, I feel it.
- Your hand has a fever.
- I think she's on to you.
- Okay, look, so
I'm a little sick.
- Ah-ha!
Ann, sit down.
Barbara, get some cold cloths.
- [Barbara] Yes ma'am.
- Schneider, bring
up a rollaway bed.
- Si mon capitan.
- Hold it.
A rollaway bed?
- I'm staying here
until you're better.
- Oh Schneider, scratch the bed.
- Get the bed.
- No bed.
- The bed.
- Schneider!
Who you gonna listen to me?
Me or her?
- You're right.
Be back in second
with the rollaway bed.
(audience laughs)
- Open up in the hanger
and let the big plane
come in for a landing.
- I don't want any soup.
Mom, I said...
It's good.
- It's your favorite, homemade
chicken noodle soup.
But if you don't want any more.
- Who said I don't
want any more?
- That's my little girl.
- I'm an adult, I'm not
a little girl, Mommy.
- I know, I know.
We'll have you back
on your feet in no time.
Pilot to control tower
clear for the landing.
(audience laughs)
That's my good girl.
- Oh Mom, it's getting late.
I better get some work done.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Now don't worry about it.
- No, Mom.
I have a really important
meeting at 9 AM
and I've gotta be...
- Oh, poo on your meeting.
Honey, you need your rest.
- I can't sleep anyway.
So I might as well
get some work done.
- Last plane.
Here we go, nice big one.
Here we go.
Oopsie-daisy.
(audience laughs)
Oh honey, just look at you.
Oh Annie, you're so tense.
Now listen sweetheart,
just sit right back and relax.
Okay?
- Okay.
- There we go.
- Mom, what are you doing?
No, Mom, you
don't need to do that.
I'm not in the mood.
That's the spot.
- You always were
a difficult patient.
- You always were
a difficult mother.
(laughs)
- Even as a child,
you were impossible.
Little girl, just impossible.
You always refused
to take your Aspirin
unless I bribed you
with a cup of cocoa.
- Mom, I'm gonna
tell you a secret.
- What?
- I always use
to drink the cocoa
and put the Aspirin
down the toilet.
(laughs)
- I know, I always dissolved
another one in the cocoa.
(audience laughs)
- No wonder I could never
make cocoa like yours.
Oh Mom, life sure used to
be a lot simpler, you know?
- Yeah.
- Maybe it's because
you were always there
to take care of me.
And keep me out
of trouble, you know?
And make me better
when I was sick.
- Well, that's what
mothers are for.
- Yeah, I guess.
I guess nobody could take
care of you like your mother.
- Yes.
Come on, it's time for
you to get some sleep.
Move over.
That's a good girl.
Now put your head
on my shoulder.
- Why I am doing?
- I'm gonna sing you to sleep.
- No Mom, I'm too old for that.
- If I'm not too old to sing,
you're not too old to listen.
- This is silly.
- Oh, shh, shh, shh.
- I'm not even sleepy.
- I know, I know.
♪ Lullaby and goodnight,
with roses bedight
♪ With lilies o'er spread
- Yeah, if this bed could talk,
I'd lose half my brownie points.
- Don't wake her up.
♪ I'll put her to bed later
♪ Help me put the footstool
in the middle of the sofa
♪ So she'll be more comfortable
♪ I'll go get it now
(audience laughs)
♪ And I'll just put her
down her very carefully
♪ Get her nice and comfortable
♪ It's in position so do
whatever you gotta do.
♪ Well, I'll tell ya
♪ I'll pull this part apart
♪ And you catch her
so she doesn't fall down
♪ Gotcha (audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
♪ I didn't think we
were going to do it
♪ Neither did I
♪ Neither did I and goodnight
- Oh no, damn.
Damn, my alarm
clock didn't go off
and I missed my meeting.
Damn.
- Now take it easy.
- Damn.
- Take it easy.
- Damn.
- Now sit down and
eat your breakfast.
Everything is okay.
There's nothing wrong
with your alarm clock.
- What are you talking about?
- It didn't go off
because I turned it off.
- You turned it off?
- You needed your rest.
- You turned it off?
- Don't shout, dear.
You'll get upset.
(audience applauds)
- How dare you turn
off my alarm clock?
- Darling, your
pancakes are getting cold.
Eat first and then we'll talk.
- We are gonna talk right now.
Right now!
- Settle down, settle down.
Now if you're upset,
it's bad for the digestion.
- Mom, you don't
seem to understand.
- But I do understand, dear.
You're sick and
you're irritable.
- I am not irritable.
Okay, so, I'm a little irritable
but you made me that way.
- Well I know what it is.
You're just upset because
you missed that meeting
with that milkman this morning.
- Mom, he's not the milkman.
He's a president of
a national corporation
that distributes milk.
He's an important
man, his time is valuable.
- Is he married?
(Ann groans)
- Mom, we're talking
grown up here.
We're talking responsibilities.
- And it's my responsibility
to keep you well.
- I am well, I've
never felt weller.
- That's right, dear.
Get it off your chest.
Yell at me, that's
what mothers are for.
(Ann groans)
What are you doing?
Annie, Annie,
listen, you can not go
to work in your condition.
- Excuse me, Mother.
- At least, eat some
of your breakfast.
You know it's the most
important meal of the day.
What am I suppose
to do with all this food?
(gargling)
Now that is not a very nice
way to talk to your mother.
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
Annie, I will get it.
I'll get it.
I'm coming, coming.
- Okay, okay.
Where the hell
have you been, huh?
- Oh Mrs. Romano,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.
Would you like some breakfast?
- No, I just wanna
yell at your daughter.
- Aww, Nick, I am really sorry.
- Sweetheart, it's okay, it's
okay, I know you've been sick
you're a very
responsible person.
You wouldn't miss our
meeting with Henderson
unless you had a
perfectly good explanation.
So, what's your perfectly
good explanation?
- Nick, I overslept, but
the whole point is my...
- Excuse me, sleeping is not
a perfectly good explanation.
Dying is a perfectly
good explanation.
- Dammit, Nick, why
didn't you just call?
- I tried calling all morning,
but your line was busy.
- What are you talking about?
- I took the phone off the hook.
- You did what?
- Well, you see, Nick, Annie
was sleeping so peacefully,
I didn't want somebody
to call and wake her up.
- Thank you, Mother.
- You're welcome, Dear.
- I'm gonna kill her.
Okay, what happened
with Henderson?
- Nothing, he just
blew up and left.
- We lost the account?
- Well, not exactly, he said
that we still have
a fat chance in Hell.
- I just did what I
thought was right.
- Well, maybe he'll cool off,
and we can still
talk to him tomorrow.
- Look, Nick, I'll be down
there as soon as I can, okay?
- Okay, sure.
- At least this way
it'll give me a chance
to still finish my presentation.
- Hello, hello, darling, can
I talk to you for a second?
You didn't finish
the presentation?
- No, that woman
sang me to sleep.
- I am not that woman,
I am your mother.
She never talked to me like
this before she dyed her hair.
- Well, I'm just
gonna go and clean
the coffee off the
wall behind your desk.
- Hey, hold it.
- Huh?
- Henderson threw
coffee at my wall?
- I threw coffee at your wall.
- Good morning, good morning.
The birds are awing,
God's in his Heaven
doing his thing.
- Don't make me sick.
- What's matter with him?
- Nothing,
everything is just fine,
everything is just perfect.
- What's the matter with her?
- Oh who cares?
(audience laughs)
- I think there's a slow
leak in my charisma.
- [Ann] Schneider.
- Yes.
- [Ann] While you're
up here do me a favor,
will you take that
bed downstairs?
- Oui mon capitan.
- Hold it, hold
it, the bed stays.
Annie, I am not leaving this
apartment til you're better.
- Schnieder, take the bed.
- The bed stays.
- Take it, Schneider.
- It stays.
- Ladies, before I go over
there, and risk a hernia
taking that bed
down, what's goin' on?
- Just take the bed.
- You see?
You see, my daughter
doesn't want me.
She just doesn't
love me anymore.
- Full of shame.
- Schneider.
- I'm just not wanted around
here so I just better go.
- Mom, look,
what's I'm trying...
- Oh, I suppose
should be grateful.
I hear that the Eskimo's
put their old people
on ice flows and just float
them off into the sunset.
- It's absolutely true.
That's how they
settled Mongolia.
I happen to know
several Mongolians
who would love a blubber
lettuce and tomato sandwich.
- Okay, I'm off.
- [Ann] Okay, bye.
- Bye Mom, bye Grandma.
- Goodbye Barbara,
write occasionally.
- I'm just going to work.
- Yes, dear, well, please let
me know when you get married
and be sure to send me
pictures of your children.
But be careful, Barbara,
they'll turn on you.
- Okay.
Mom, what's going on?
- We just had a
little discussion.
- A tiff.
- A fight!
I'm gonna get ready for work.
- You see, she doesn't
love me anymore.
And after all, I
have done for her.
- Oh Grandma, yes she does.
- No, she doesn't.
She doesn't love me anymore.
She doesn't.
- You feel kind of warm.
I think you're sick.
- Well, I'm not surprised.
I give your mother love,
she gives me the flu.
- I don't think it
was intentional.
- Listen, whatever you
do, they tell her about this.
I don't want her to have to
pretend that she loves me.
- Mom, we'll talk later, okay?
Right now I gotta go down there
and see what I can savage.
- Fine.
- Bye Mom.
- Yeah, bye.
- Annie, don't feel
guilty about going off
and leaving me behind to die.
- What?
- Nothing, nothing.
Nothing.
- (sighs) Okay, what is it
I am suppose to guess?
- I think Grandma has a fever.
She must be sick.
- I'm dying but I didn't
want her to know.
Don't worry about me.
You have more
important things to do.
- Look, Ma, why
don't you go to work?
I'll stay home and
take care of her.
- See, Barbara loves me.
- Barbara, you go work.
You've got a job,
I can stay here
and work on my presentation.
- Okay, feel better, Grandma.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Okay, Mom.
Come on, take off
your coat and sit down.
- No, no, I'm just
gonna go find an iceberg
and float off with a walrus.
- Mom, I want you to stay.
- No, no, I'm just gonna
get out of your life forever.
- Mom, I said you are staying.
- I am going.
- Sit.
- Sit.
- I can't have you running
around in weather like this.
If you caught pneumonia and die,
it would give you
too much satisfaction.
Nick, look, do you think
we can get a meeting
with him next week?
Okay, so we'll
get other accounts.
Think of the income
tax we won't have to pay.
Keep your mouth closed.
Not you, Nick, no.
Okay, look, I'll
see you tomorrow.
I hope.
Bye.
Mom.
- That's right.
Dump all the guilt on me.
- Me dump guilt on you?
(sarcastically laughs)
Okay, come on.
Open up.
- I don't want any.
- It's yummy oatmeal.
- I don't like it.
- Julie and Barbara love it.
- But they're use to
your lousy cooking.
- Open up the hanger
and let the plane fly in.
- Are you calling
my mouth a hanger?
- Open up the hanger
or I'll break your face.
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm sorry, look, no.
No, Mom.
Honey, if you don't wanna eat,
I'm not gonna force
it down your throat.
- That's right, starve me.
- Mom, you are a
miserable patient.
- This is a miserable
place to be sick.
Look at this sofa.
It was made for runts.
(audience laughs)
- You have any other complaints?
- None.
- Good.
- I won't even
mention how hot it is.
- And I appreciate that.
- But it is so hot.
- Oh, Mom, I'm sorry for
making you so miserable.
- Well, that's what
daughters are for.
- I don't know what to do
to make you comfortable.
How about if I sing to you?
- How about if you don't?
♪ Lullaby and
goodnight Oh shut up.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, I don't know
what to do with you.
- It's not as easy
as it looks, is it?
- What?
- Playing nursemaid.
- Yeah, you always made
it seem easy with me.
- Maybe that's because
I was your mother.
- Yeah, maybe that's it.
- I was helpful, wasn't I?
- Oh, you certainly were, Mom.
I don't know what I
would've done without you.
- That's not what
you said this morning.
- Well, Mom, we were
both real upset this morning.
We said things in
the heat of anger.
I don't remember what they were.
- You said you had it
with me butting in
where I'm not wanted.
And I was making
life impossible.
And you said for me to butt out.
- I never said any
of those things.
- Well you thought them.
- Probably.
(doorbell rings)
- That's the doorbell.
- Yes, I heard it.
- Gonna answer it?
- Yes.
Just a minute.
Mom, I guess no one can
take care of us like our mothers.
- For once, you're right.
- Well, I'm real
glad you said that.
- Grandma!
- Mother!
(audience applauds)
- I'm so glad you called.
- Mother.
- Katie.
Katie, how many
times have I told you?
If you have a cold, you
keep warm and sweat.
Ew, what's this slop?
- That's oatmeal.
- No wonder she's sick.
Well, I'll make you
some nice milk toast.
But what you really need
is a mustard plaster
and and an enema.
- Oh, Mother.
- I'll have you well in no time.
- She probably will.
- Oh, I'll get you
for this, Annie.
- Don't you have any clean pans?
- Bye.
- There must be a clean
pan here somewhere.
(Katherine groans)
(audience applauds)
(cheerful music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time,
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
(Ann coughs)
- Oh, Mom, you feel any better?
You don't, do you?
- Darlin', do you know
what it's like to feel so rotten
and miserable that you
wish you were dead?
- Yeah.
- I'd give anything
to feel that good.
(audience laughs)
- Well here, have some yogurt.
You'll feel better.
- I'm sick, I'm not on a diet.
- Come on, you haven't
eaten a thing all day.
- Yes, I have.
I've had four Aspirins
and six Vitamin C
and two spoonfuls of cough
syrup and a package of Rolaids
and some milk of magnesia.
I'm stuffed.
(knocking)
- You expecting anyone?
- Just a man dressed all in
man while a sickle in one hand.
- Hi Barb.
- Oh, hi Nick.
- Hi Annie.
- Hi Nick.
- Oh boy, you still got it.
- Thank you, Nick.
- No, I mean the flu.
Boy, you look lousy.
- Thank you.
- Maybe I'm not
putting this well,
I'm sorry you have the flu.
- Thank you.
Nick, stand still.
- Annie, I can't stay long.
I spoke to the
Henderson Dairy people
and they said our meeting is
tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock.
- Oh, wonderful. (coughs)
- Where's the copy?
- I'm working on it.
- Good.
Can't you type
any faster, Annie.
- Nick, you are lucky
I am moving at all.
- You really resent me
being well, don't you?
Well it so happens
you picked a lousy time
to catch the flu.
- Look, Nick, don't
worry about me, okay?
I will be there tomorrow
morning at 9 AM
and I will have that
copy if it kills me.
It just might.
- You know you
have a nice rosy color.
- I got a fever.
- Ah, well, I'm not
gonna kiss you goodbye.
I don't wanna
catch the flu, okay?
Okay, I'll see you, Barbara.
- [Barbara] Bye.
- Bye sweetheart.
Bye bye.
- Why am I crazy about him?
(telephone rings)
- He's cute I guess.
Hello?
Oh, hi Grandma, just a second.
- No, if she finds out I'm sick,
she'll be over here and
she's not leave me alone.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Okay, make up anything.
Whatever it is but don't
tell her I have the flu.
This meeting tomorrow is a must.
- Grandma, hi.
Mom can't come to
the phone right now
because she's really busy.
Oh sure, yeah,
everything's fine.
(Ann coughs)
Coughing?
No, it's probably a dog
barking in the next apartment.
Oh, right, Schneider
doesn't permit dogs.
Then it's a trained seal.
She wants to come over.
No, Grandma, you
don't have to come over.
No, really, you
shouldn't come over.
No, don't come over.
Okay, bye.
She's coming over.
- Oh, why isn't your sister
here when I need her?
She's always been able
to lie better than you.
A trained seal?
- Four seconds?
Okay, okay.
- Give it to me straight.
- 99.
- No, it can't be 99.
Somebody who feels as
rotten as I do should at least
have the privilege of
a temperature of 112.
109 rock bottom.
(moans)
- Hi there, Miss Romano.
- Hi Schneider.
- Feeling better?
- Well, how do I look?
- Have you called a priest?
(audience laughs)
- I heard that.
- You should be in bed.
- I can't, I can't sleep.
- What don't you put
yourself in my hands?
I'll have you in bed
before you know it.
(audience laughs)
I think you may have
misunderstood that.
- It doesn't make
any difference.
The way I feel I don't
even care what you meant.
- Here, take this.
It's good for what ails you.
- What is it?
- Tequila gumbo soup.
(audience laughs)
- Do you heat it?
- Never over an open flame.
- Thank you Schneider,
I'm gonna pass.
- It's terrific recipe.
I got it from a little
nurse down in Mexicali.
She was...
- I'll pass.
- All right, it ain't
gonna kill you
but you drink this, you're
gonna forget you're sick.
- Look, Mom, why
don't you just go to bed?
You need your rest.
- I can't sleep.
I wish I could.
This meeting tomorrow is a must.
(knocking)
Oh, it's gotta be my mother.
Don't forget, don't say a
thing about my being sick.
- Mum's the word.
- All right, how do I look?
- Maybe you'd
better call that priest.
- Okay, keep her at 20 paces.
I don't want her to see
the reds of my eyes.
- Hi Grandma.
- Hi honey.
- Hi there, Katherine.
- How ya doing?
- Oh, I'm fine.
- Hi Annie.
- Hi Mom!
- Listen, I just can't by
to return this salad bowl
I borrowed last week.
- Oh Grandma,
thank you for this.
This isn't our salad bowl.
- I know.
Well, see, yours was
so old and scratched up.
I threw it away and
bought you a new one.
- Aww, that's nice.
Our cars are old
and scratched up too.
(laughs)
- Hey Mom, I sure
would love to chat
but boy, I got
lots of work to do.
Busy, busy, busy.
- Yeah, don't you wanna
at least try out your
new salad bowl.
I brought all the ingredients
for a Caesar salad.
- Oh yum.
- Oh, Caesar salad!
I love that.
Oh yeah, yeah,
croutons and cheese
and anchovies and crisp lettuce.
Of course, on the other hand,
anchovies are an
endangered species.
They're right up
there with whales.
- Mom, maybe
we'll talk next week.
I am so busy, bye bye.
- Well, all right.
- Yeah.
- Goodbye Grandma.
Thanks for bring the salad bowl.
- Honey, promise that we'll
get together next week, okay?
- Next week, you got it.
- Bye!
- Bye Grandma.
- Bye bye.
(coughs)
Was that a cough?
- Cough, what cough?
(coughs)
- That cough.
Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
- (gasps) You have a fever.
- No, I don't.
- You do, I feel it.
- Your hand has a fever.
- I think she's on to you.
- Okay, look, so
I'm a little sick.
- Ah-ha!
Ann, sit down.
Barbara, get some cold cloths.
- [Barbara] Yes ma'am.
- Schneider, bring
up a rollaway bed.
- Si mon capitan.
- Hold it.
A rollaway bed?
- I'm staying here
until you're better.
- Oh Schneider, scratch the bed.
- Get the bed.
- No bed.
- The bed.
- Schneider!
Who you gonna listen to me?
Me or her?
- You're right.
Be back in second
with the rollaway bed.
(audience laughs)
- Open up in the hanger
and let the big plane
come in for a landing.
- I don't want any soup.
Mom, I said...
It's good.
- It's your favorite, homemade
chicken noodle soup.
But if you don't want any more.
- Who said I don't
want any more?
- That's my little girl.
- I'm an adult, I'm not
a little girl, Mommy.
- I know, I know.
We'll have you back
on your feet in no time.
Pilot to control tower
clear for the landing.
(audience laughs)
That's my good girl.
- Oh Mom, it's getting late.
I better get some work done.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Now don't worry about it.
- No, Mom.
I have a really important
meeting at 9 AM
and I've gotta be...
- Oh, poo on your meeting.
Honey, you need your rest.
- I can't sleep anyway.
So I might as well
get some work done.
- Last plane.
Here we go, nice big one.
Here we go.
Oopsie-daisy.
(audience laughs)
Oh honey, just look at you.
Oh Annie, you're so tense.
Now listen sweetheart,
just sit right back and relax.
Okay?
- Okay.
- There we go.
- Mom, what are you doing?
No, Mom, you
don't need to do that.
I'm not in the mood.
That's the spot.
- You always were
a difficult patient.
- You always were
a difficult mother.
(laughs)
- Even as a child,
you were impossible.
Little girl, just impossible.
You always refused
to take your Aspirin
unless I bribed you
with a cup of cocoa.
- Mom, I'm gonna
tell you a secret.
- What?
- I always use
to drink the cocoa
and put the Aspirin
down the toilet.
(laughs)
- I know, I always dissolved
another one in the cocoa.
(audience laughs)
- No wonder I could never
make cocoa like yours.
Oh Mom, life sure used to
be a lot simpler, you know?
- Yeah.
- Maybe it's because
you were always there
to take care of me.
And keep me out
of trouble, you know?
And make me better
when I was sick.
- Well, that's what
mothers are for.
- Yeah, I guess.
I guess nobody could take
care of you like your mother.
- Yes.
Come on, it's time for
you to get some sleep.
Move over.
That's a good girl.
Now put your head
on my shoulder.
- Why I am doing?
- I'm gonna sing you to sleep.
- No Mom, I'm too old for that.
- If I'm not too old to sing,
you're not too old to listen.
- This is silly.
- Oh, shh, shh, shh.
- I'm not even sleepy.
- I know, I know.
♪ Lullaby and goodnight,
with roses bedight
♪ With lilies o'er spread
- Yeah, if this bed could talk,
I'd lose half my brownie points.
- Don't wake her up.
♪ I'll put her to bed later
♪ Help me put the footstool
in the middle of the sofa
♪ So she'll be more comfortable
♪ I'll go get it now
(audience laughs)
♪ And I'll just put her
down her very carefully
♪ Get her nice and comfortable
♪ It's in position so do
whatever you gotta do.
♪ Well, I'll tell ya
♪ I'll pull this part apart
♪ And you catch her
so she doesn't fall down
♪ Gotcha (audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
♪ I didn't think we
were going to do it
♪ Neither did I
♪ Neither did I and goodnight
- Oh no, damn.
Damn, my alarm
clock didn't go off
and I missed my meeting.
Damn.
- Now take it easy.
- Damn.
- Take it easy.
- Damn.
- Now sit down and
eat your breakfast.
Everything is okay.
There's nothing wrong
with your alarm clock.
- What are you talking about?
- It didn't go off
because I turned it off.
- You turned it off?
- You needed your rest.
- You turned it off?
- Don't shout, dear.
You'll get upset.
(audience applauds)
- How dare you turn
off my alarm clock?
- Darling, your
pancakes are getting cold.
Eat first and then we'll talk.
- We are gonna talk right now.
Right now!
- Settle down, settle down.
Now if you're upset,
it's bad for the digestion.
- Mom, you don't
seem to understand.
- But I do understand, dear.
You're sick and
you're irritable.
- I am not irritable.
Okay, so, I'm a little irritable
but you made me that way.
- Well I know what it is.
You're just upset because
you missed that meeting
with that milkman this morning.
- Mom, he's not the milkman.
He's a president of
a national corporation
that distributes milk.
He's an important
man, his time is valuable.
- Is he married?
(Ann groans)
- Mom, we're talking
grown up here.
We're talking responsibilities.
- And it's my responsibility
to keep you well.
- I am well, I've
never felt weller.
- That's right, dear.
Get it off your chest.
Yell at me, that's
what mothers are for.
(Ann groans)
What are you doing?
Annie, Annie,
listen, you can not go
to work in your condition.
- Excuse me, Mother.
- At least, eat some
of your breakfast.
You know it's the most
important meal of the day.
What am I suppose
to do with all this food?
(gargling)
Now that is not a very nice
way to talk to your mother.
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
Annie, I will get it.
I'll get it.
I'm coming, coming.
- Okay, okay.
Where the hell
have you been, huh?
- Oh Mrs. Romano,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.
Would you like some breakfast?
- No, I just wanna
yell at your daughter.
- Aww, Nick, I am really sorry.
- Sweetheart, it's okay, it's
okay, I know you've been sick
you're a very
responsible person.
You wouldn't miss our
meeting with Henderson
unless you had a
perfectly good explanation.
So, what's your perfectly
good explanation?
- Nick, I overslept, but
the whole point is my...
- Excuse me, sleeping is not
a perfectly good explanation.
Dying is a perfectly
good explanation.
- Dammit, Nick, why
didn't you just call?
- I tried calling all morning,
but your line was busy.
- What are you talking about?
- I took the phone off the hook.
- You did what?
- Well, you see, Nick, Annie
was sleeping so peacefully,
I didn't want somebody
to call and wake her up.
- Thank you, Mother.
- You're welcome, Dear.
- I'm gonna kill her.
Okay, what happened
with Henderson?
- Nothing, he just
blew up and left.
- We lost the account?
- Well, not exactly, he said
that we still have
a fat chance in Hell.
- I just did what I
thought was right.
- Well, maybe he'll cool off,
and we can still
talk to him tomorrow.
- Look, Nick, I'll be down
there as soon as I can, okay?
- Okay, sure.
- At least this way
it'll give me a chance
to still finish my presentation.
- Hello, hello, darling, can
I talk to you for a second?
You didn't finish
the presentation?
- No, that woman
sang me to sleep.
- I am not that woman,
I am your mother.
She never talked to me like
this before she dyed her hair.
- Well, I'm just
gonna go and clean
the coffee off the
wall behind your desk.
- Hey, hold it.
- Huh?
- Henderson threw
coffee at my wall?
- I threw coffee at your wall.
- Good morning, good morning.
The birds are awing,
God's in his Heaven
doing his thing.
- Don't make me sick.
- What's matter with him?
- Nothing,
everything is just fine,
everything is just perfect.
- What's the matter with her?
- Oh who cares?
(audience laughs)
- I think there's a slow
leak in my charisma.
- [Ann] Schneider.
- Yes.
- [Ann] While you're
up here do me a favor,
will you take that
bed downstairs?
- Oui mon capitan.
- Hold it, hold
it, the bed stays.
Annie, I am not leaving this
apartment til you're better.
- Schnieder, take the bed.
- The bed stays.
- Take it, Schneider.
- It stays.
- Ladies, before I go over
there, and risk a hernia
taking that bed
down, what's goin' on?
- Just take the bed.
- You see?
You see, my daughter
doesn't want me.
She just doesn't
love me anymore.
- Full of shame.
- Schneider.
- I'm just not wanted around
here so I just better go.
- Mom, look,
what's I'm trying...
- Oh, I suppose
should be grateful.
I hear that the Eskimo's
put their old people
on ice flows and just float
them off into the sunset.
- It's absolutely true.
That's how they
settled Mongolia.
I happen to know
several Mongolians
who would love a blubber
lettuce and tomato sandwich.
- Okay, I'm off.
- [Ann] Okay, bye.
- Bye Mom, bye Grandma.
- Goodbye Barbara,
write occasionally.
- I'm just going to work.
- Yes, dear, well, please let
me know when you get married
and be sure to send me
pictures of your children.
But be careful, Barbara,
they'll turn on you.
- Okay.
Mom, what's going on?
- We just had a
little discussion.
- A tiff.
- A fight!
I'm gonna get ready for work.
- You see, she doesn't
love me anymore.
And after all, I
have done for her.
- Oh Grandma, yes she does.
- No, she doesn't.
She doesn't love me anymore.
She doesn't.
- You feel kind of warm.
I think you're sick.
- Well, I'm not surprised.
I give your mother love,
she gives me the flu.
- I don't think it
was intentional.
- Listen, whatever you
do, they tell her about this.
I don't want her to have to
pretend that she loves me.
- Mom, we'll talk later, okay?
Right now I gotta go down there
and see what I can savage.
- Fine.
- Bye Mom.
- Yeah, bye.
- Annie, don't feel
guilty about going off
and leaving me behind to die.
- What?
- Nothing, nothing.
Nothing.
- (sighs) Okay, what is it
I am suppose to guess?
- I think Grandma has a fever.
She must be sick.
- I'm dying but I didn't
want her to know.
Don't worry about me.
You have more
important things to do.
- Look, Ma, why
don't you go to work?
I'll stay home and
take care of her.
- See, Barbara loves me.
- Barbara, you go work.
You've got a job,
I can stay here
and work on my presentation.
- Okay, feel better, Grandma.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Okay, Mom.
Come on, take off
your coat and sit down.
- No, no, I'm just
gonna go find an iceberg
and float off with a walrus.
- Mom, I want you to stay.
- No, no, I'm just gonna
get out of your life forever.
- Mom, I said you are staying.
- I am going.
- Sit.
- Sit.
- I can't have you running
around in weather like this.
If you caught pneumonia and die,
it would give you
too much satisfaction.
Nick, look, do you think
we can get a meeting
with him next week?
Okay, so we'll
get other accounts.
Think of the income
tax we won't have to pay.
Keep your mouth closed.
Not you, Nick, no.
Okay, look, I'll
see you tomorrow.
I hope.
Bye.
Mom.
- That's right.
Dump all the guilt on me.
- Me dump guilt on you?
(sarcastically laughs)
Okay, come on.
Open up.
- I don't want any.
- It's yummy oatmeal.
- I don't like it.
- Julie and Barbara love it.
- But they're use to
your lousy cooking.
- Open up the hanger
and let the plane fly in.
- Are you calling
my mouth a hanger?
- Open up the hanger
or I'll break your face.
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm sorry, look, no.
No, Mom.
Honey, if you don't wanna eat,
I'm not gonna force
it down your throat.
- That's right, starve me.
- Mom, you are a
miserable patient.
- This is a miserable
place to be sick.
Look at this sofa.
It was made for runts.
(audience laughs)
- You have any other complaints?
- None.
- Good.
- I won't even
mention how hot it is.
- And I appreciate that.
- But it is so hot.
- Oh, Mom, I'm sorry for
making you so miserable.
- Well, that's what
daughters are for.
- I don't know what to do
to make you comfortable.
How about if I sing to you?
- How about if you don't?
♪ Lullaby and
goodnight Oh shut up.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, I don't know
what to do with you.
- It's not as easy
as it looks, is it?
- What?
- Playing nursemaid.
- Yeah, you always made
it seem easy with me.
- Maybe that's because
I was your mother.
- Yeah, maybe that's it.
- I was helpful, wasn't I?
- Oh, you certainly were, Mom.
I don't know what I
would've done without you.
- That's not what
you said this morning.
- Well, Mom, we were
both real upset this morning.
We said things in
the heat of anger.
I don't remember what they were.
- You said you had it
with me butting in
where I'm not wanted.
And I was making
life impossible.
And you said for me to butt out.
- I never said any
of those things.
- Well you thought them.
- Probably.
(doorbell rings)
- That's the doorbell.
- Yes, I heard it.
- Gonna answer it?
- Yes.
Just a minute.
Mom, I guess no one can
take care of us like our mothers.
- For once, you're right.
- Well, I'm real
glad you said that.
- Grandma!
- Mother!
(audience applauds)
- I'm so glad you called.
- Mother.
- Katie.
Katie, how many
times have I told you?
If you have a cold, you
keep warm and sweat.
Ew, what's this slop?
- That's oatmeal.
- No wonder she's sick.
Well, I'll make you
some nice milk toast.
But what you really need
is a mustard plaster
and and an enema.
- Oh, Mother.
- I'll have you well in no time.
- She probably will.
- Oh, I'll get you
for this, Annie.
- Don't you have any clean pans?
- Bye.
- There must be a clean
pan here somewhere.
(Katherine groans)
(audience applauds)
(cheerful music)