One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 8 - Et tu, Ann? - full transcript

Ann hires a handsome male assistant.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ Well, this is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle
through one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba, da, da, da

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Ba da, da, da

♪ One day at a time

- For immediate release,
Grover's Mills announces

a new line of men's underwear.

(audience laughs)

Underwear, underwear, underwear.

What's new about underwear?

Ladies, are you tired
of the same old thing

in men's under shorts?

(audience laughs)

- Shocking.

- The things a girl's mother
will do to make a living.

Ugh. (audience laughs)

- Hello, girls.

What are you doing here?

- Don't suppose you'd
like to go shopping with us.

- No, sorry, we're all tied up.

- We?

- Me and my credit card.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I told you, she'd
see right through us.

(both laugh)

- M.S. Romano, I
wanna talk to you about...

Those are your daughters?

- Yes, we've met.

(audience laughs)

- Cute.

There's no family
crisis, I hope.

- Oh, no more so than usual.

- No one's pregnant,
strung out, or going cuckoo?

(audience laughs)

- That was last week.

(audience laughs)

- You are witty, M.S. Romano.

Is it possible to get that
in your press releases?

- Mr. Connors, was there
anything important you wanted?

- Yes.

I hate to say it, but this idea
for the lawn mower account.

- Yeah?

- I like it.

- Good, it's Craig's.

- Who's Craig?

- He's her new assistant.

He may have something
after all, Romano.

I thought you just
hired him for his bod.

(audience laughs)

- Mother, you've been
hiding something from us.

- Yeah, who's Craig?

- Well, he's my...
- How old is he?

- I really...
- Is he cute?

- Well, yeah.
- A male secretary.

Mom, that's terrific.

- (chuckles) He's not my
secretary, he's my assistant.

Mr. Connors recommended
four candidates and I chose Craig.

- That cute, huh?

- That qualified.

- The other applicants
were women, I'll bet.

- Then you would lose.

There were two women,
there were two men.

They were all well qualified,
so all things being equal...

- You chose the hunk.

(audience laughs)

- Here we go, Ms. Romano.

Just the way you ordered it.

- Ah, thank you, Craig.

You make the best
Diet Cola in the office.

(audience laughs)

- It's all in the wrist.

- [Ann] Ah, thank you.

- I'm Barbara.

- I'm Julie.

- She's married, I'm not.

(audience laughs)

- Barbara, don't
drool on his shirt.

- (laughs) Craig Simmons,
these are my daughters.

- Hi, kids.

- Kids? (audience laughs)

- Well, you just wasted
a perfectly good drool.

- You're not kidding.

- Yeah, when you wanna
go over those proof sheets?

- Oh, Craig, I gotta get through

with this Grover's Mills thing.

I guess over lunch.

- Fine with me.

You want me to call the deli?

- Oh yeah, would you?

Would you order me
a pastrami on rye?

- Nice meeting you girls.

- Wow, can he type?

(audience laughs) (Ann chuckles)

- Craig is a very
bright young man.

He's got great prospects
with this company.

- Come on, Mom, admit it.

The guy's a doll.

- Yeah, well, he's attractive.


(audience laughs)

Okay, so he's a hunk.

(audience laughs)
(Barbara laughs)

- Now that's more like it.

- There is one thing
about him I especially like.

- His eyes?

- His hair?

- Nope.
- His beard?

- What is it?

- His ears.

(audience laughs)

- His what?
- Huh?

- His ears.

- Well, Mom, you can hardly
see them through his hair.

- Yeah, well, it
makes it sexier.

I mean, a naked ear is nothing.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, you're kinky.

- (laughs) My own
mother, a lobe freak.

(audience laughs) (Ann laughs)

(Ann groans)

- What's the matter?

- Oh, just a pain in the neck.

I'm sure it'll leave
when you do.

(audience laughs)

- I bet you pulled something
chasing Craig around the desk.

- Out, out, out, out, go.
- Okay.

(phone rings)

- Ann Romano.


He just stepped out.

He just stepped in.

Hold on.

It's for you.

- Hello?

Hey, Sally, how are you doing?

Yeah, of course we're
still on for Saturday.

I wouldn't miss it.



Me too.


- Your mother?

(audience laughs)

- Here are the proof sheets.

- Craig, can I give you a tip?

- Sure.

- We don't encourage personal
phone calls in this office.

- Fine with me, but how
am I gonna tell my mother?

(audience laughs)

Lunch will be up in a minute.

- Oh, damn, I
forgot to tell you.

- Double mustard.

- That's right.
- I remembered.

- You're terrific.

- Naturally, Ms. Romano.

I majored in double mustard.

(Ann laughs)

- Would you do
me a favor, Craig?

Would you call me Ann?

Every time you call me Ms.
Romano, I feel like your boss.

- Yeah, but you are my boss.

- Oh yeah, that's
right, but not for long.

The way things are going,
you'll be promoted in no...


- What's the matter?

- I just have this stiff neck.

- You want me to rub it for you?

- No.

Listen, a couple weeks
in traction will be fine.

- Here, let me.

- I don't know.

Oh, all right.

Listen, if you insist.

- Just relax.

I'm an expert.
- Okay.

(chuckles) Terrific.

It's really up here
is where it really.

(whoops) Yep, that's it.

That's the spot.
(audience laughs)




(audience laughs)



(audience laughs)

Listen, don't stop.

Just don't.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

(doorbell rings)

- I'll get it, Mom.

Schneider, what are you doing?

- Doorbell inspection.

(audience laughs)

- Should we stand at attention?

- No, this is informal.

(audience laughs)

You know, I was thinking I
oughta change all the doorbells.

Make the building more
alive, more sophisticated.

I was in a high rise last week.

They had a
doorbell, you push it.

Sounds like a Hindu chant.


(audience laughs)

- Schneider, I just think we'll
stay with the old bing-bong.

- Hi, guys.

- Hey, hi there, kid.

- Oh hi, Ma.

I picked up Max's
uniform at the cleaners.

Can I store it in your closet?

Living in Schneider's camper,
there is absolutely no room.

- Sure, darling, why not?

- Great.

Oh hey, Mom.


I tried to pick up your
stuff at the cleaners,

but they couldn't find it.

- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I should've told you Craig
picked up my stuff yesterday.

- Downshift, downshift.

(audience laughs)

Now when a guy starts picking
up your laundry, Ms. Romano,

things are getting
mucho serioso.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, Craig
is Mom's secretary.

- Assistant.

- What?

Do my ears deceive
me or did you say

your mother's got a
man working for her?

- That's right.

- A he working for a she?

- Yes, Schneider,
what's wrong with that?

- What's wrong with that,
what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with him, you mean?

- Schneider.

- Ms. Romano, you are
tampering with the laws of nature.

(audience laughs)

- What?
- Come on, will you?

Who ever heard of
the head honchette?

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, what
are you talking about?

- A man should
not be a secretary.

- Assistant.

- Whatever, a man is
supposed to fight wars,

to run construction
companies, to play football.

Not sit there with his legs
crossed, taking memos.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, a lot of famous men

started off their
careers as secretaries.

- Yeah.

Barbara is right.

- Who?

- Mark Twain, Lyndon
Johnson, Henry Ford.

All through history there
have been male secretaries.

Thomas Jefferson had one.

So did Cleopatra.

- Oh yeah.

I remember him from the movie.

(audience laughs)

He was a real kick in the ass.

(audience laughs)

See, they were on a barge.

They were going down the Nile.

They were trying to
understand the Phinx, the Stinks,

the one that got no
nose. (audience laughs)

- Barbara, we'd
better get going too.

- Where you going?

- To pick up Max at the airport.

- Why are you going?

- Oh, I just love the
noise, the excitement.

- The pilots.

Max is bringing
a friend for the kid

and we're gonna
go out to dinner.

(Ann groans)

- And here I had
steaks marinating.

Oh well.

As long as you
two are going out,

I may as well tackle
the Benson account.

- Yeah, what is it this time?

Power tools, radio tires?

- [Ann] Nope, Adventure Perfume.

- Sounds exciting.

- I hope it works, my
life could use some.

- Adventure Perfume.

I've never heard of it.

- Maybe if Craig's not busy,

he could come over
and help me work on it.

(audience laughs)
- Uh-oh.

- Mom, you are not gonna make
him work on a Saturday night.

- No, of course, darling, I'm
not gonna make him work.

I'm just gonna act, Craig.

Hi, this is Ann.

Yeah. (audience laughs)

Look, I'm just sitting here
working on the Benson account

and I thought
maybe you'd like to

come over and
help me work on it.

Well, no, I'm at home.



Well, yes, Craig.

Of course I understand if you
have plans, but yeah, I mean,

if your social life is more
important than your work.

(audience laughs and groans)

Five o'clock will be fine.

(audience laughs)

Good, thanks.


(audience laughs)

He wanted to come over.

(audience laughs)

- Bye, Mom.

(audience applauds)

- Buy adventure in a bottle.

Nah. (Ann laughs)

Sounds like we're selling booze.

(audience laughs)

- Ooh, I have it, I have it.

Get rid of roaches with
Adventure Perfume.

(audience laughs) (Craig laughs)

I think you should plan
on staying for dinner.

- No, no, really.

- No, I insist.

It's no trouble at all,

and to start, what
would you like to drink?

Let's see, we have
got here lemonade,

chocolate milk, papaya juice.

- Look, why don't we just really
concentrate on this slogan?

- Look what I found.

Wine. (audience
laughs and groans)

And it's already chilled.

- Look, Ann, I'm
gonna have to go.

- Why don't you put this
over on the coffee table, okay?

- Sure.


- [Ann] Thank you.

- Why don't I?

(audience laughs)

Hors d'oeuvres.

- Oh, nibbling
always seems to help.

You know, Craig,
you've got a great future

with Connors and Davenport.

- I hope so.

- Oh, you do.

You're not afraid of hard
work, that's important.

Thank you.

In this business, you've
gotta give a lot of yourself,

put out your best effort.

- I am, but I don't
even seem to be able

to think of a simple slogan.

- Oh, don't get discouraged.

When that happens,
sometimes the best thing to do

is just sit back and wait for
something to come over you.

- Okay.

I'm waiting.

(audience laughs)

Something, come over me.

(audience laughs)

Something came over me.

(audience laughs)

- [Ann] Huh?

- Listen.

We see a woman
climbing the Matterhorn,

fighting bulls in Spain,
swinging on a trapeze.

Now, why is she
doing these things?

- Because she's out of her mind.

(audience laughs)

- No, because something
came over her last night.

- [Ann] What?

- Something came
over her last night.

- Wait a minute.

(audience chuckles)

Something came
over me last night.

- The spirit of adventure.

- Oh.

Oh, that is really good.

I mean, that is fabulous.

I really, I think
that's, oh yeah.

That's good.

(audience laughs)

I mean, I really believe that
we have got ourselves sold.

(audience laughs)

That's good, Craig.

Something came over me
last night, the spirit of adventure.

I love it.

Oh, Craig, you are terrific.

You are really fabulous.

(audience groans and laughs)

- I think I'd better go.

- Huh?

- I should've known.

- Should've known what?

- Hey, look, we both
know what's going on here.

The wine.

The peek-a-boo blouse.

A little Saturday night
fever with the employee.

I know what's expected of
me if I want that promotion,

but lady, I'm not
playing your game.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.

- Hey, Shorty.

- Hi.

Max, how was your flight?

- Oh, great.

The usual romantic
zip up to Cleveland.

(audience laughs)

So where is this turkey

I've been hearing
so much about, huh?

(audience laughs)

The guy that you conned
into coming over here

to work on a Saturday night?

- He left a long time ago.

- Must have been the wine.

Terrible year.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, what happened?

- Nothing.
- Oh, that's too bad.

Did you at least get a slogan?

- Well, we came
up with one idea.

It wasn't very good.

(audience laughs and groans)

- Mom, what happened?

What's wrong?

- Nothing is wrong.

- Something is
obviously wrong, Mom.


- Okay, all right.

Maybe it was a pretty good idea

and maybe I got a trifle
over-enthusiastic and I, I...

- You touched his ears?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, the shame.

(audience laughs)

- I kissed him.

- You kissed him?

Well, Shorty, they got
laws about things like that.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, Max.

- I don't believe it.

My own mother
hitting on her secretary.

- Oh wow, wow, wow.

(audience laughs)

El mistako supremo.

(audience laughs)

Senora Romano.

We do not fool around
down at the plant.

- Schneider, will you butt out?

- Why, this could
be a public scandal.

(audience laughs)

Now what happened?

- Mom grabbed his ears.

(audience laughs)

- You're an ear man.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't touch his ears.

- That's right, Mom
has some scruples.

(audience chuckles)

She kissed him.

- Probably on the lips.

(audience laughs)

- Heaven protect
the working man.

(audience laughs)

- Look.

Nothing happened, Craig left.

- Probably sobbing.

- Nothing happened, huh?

No wonder you're so uptight.

(audience laughs)

- Incomplete forward pass.

(audience laughs)

- Now she knows
what it feels like.

- Have you thought
about a cold shower?

(everyone laughs)

- All right.

All right, all right.

Look now, for the benefit
of everybody in this room,

for the benefit of
everybody in the world,

I did not make a pass at Craig.

- Yeah, you just kissed him.

- It was a friendly kiss.

- Most kisses are.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't mean anything by it.

- Aw, come on, Shorty.

You find him attractive, right?

- Yeah, all right, I find him...

Look, we just got our
wires crossed, that's all.

I'll just go into the
office Monday morning

and straighten
the whole thing out.

- Well, you can't
be too careful.

Better make sure
he's on the pill.

(everyone laughs)
(audience applauds)

- Oh, Mr. Connors.

- Good morning, M.S. Tiger.

(audience laughs)

- What?
- Leave the door open.

(audience laughs)

I don't wanna get
trapped in here with you.

(audience laughs and applauds)

I'm a married man
with a suspicious wife.

(audience laughs)

- Craig talked to you.

- Poor man.

(audience laughs)

Object of your lust.

(audience laughs)

- This is ridiculous.

It's all one great big

You don't believe me?

- Of course I do.

Now stay on that
side of the desk.

(audience laughs)

- Well, you showed up.

- Craig, look.

- No, you look.

It was sexual harassment
and I don't need it.

- There are no sexes at
Connors and Davenport.

Only happy
hardworking little beavers,

each scurrying to
build a better day.

(audience laughs)

- Well, one of your happy
beavers flapped her tail at me.

- I did not flap my tail.

- I wasn't born yesterday.

- Craig, I just
can't believe this.

I mean, I am shocked
that you would think

that I was coming on.

I mean, if you knew me, you
would know that that was absurd.

- She may have a point.

(audience laughs)

I always did think
of her as a cold fish.

(audience laughs and groans)

- All right, all
right, all right, look.

I will explain the whole thing.

I will tell you everything
that happened, all right?

Craig came by my house...
- Your house?

- Yeah.

Craig came by my house.

- She asked me to.

- Right.


Craig came by my house
on Saturday night to work...

- Saturday night.

(audience laughs)
- Yes.

Mr. Connors, you were in a hurry

for a slogan for
Adventure Perfume.

- We have two weeks yet.

- Okay.

All right, the point is Craig
came up with a terrific slogan

and I got so excited,
not excited, pleased.

(audience laughs)

That I gave him a
friendly congratulatory kiss.

Cold fish, I really resent that.

(audience laughs)

- I may have been wrong.

- Look, Ms. Romano, if you
wanted to congratulate me,

you could've shaken my hand.

- I just don't understand
how you could misinterpret

such a simple open
friendly gesture.

- You forgot platonic.

What the hell would you think
if you came home and your wife

met you with marinated
steaks and chilled wine?

- I'd think her mother
was coming to dinner.

(audience laughs)

- This is like a nightmare.

- That's her mother, all right.

(audience laughs)

- Look, Craig, you were upset

because you're
working for a woman.

That's all it is,
pure and simple.

I'd like you to give me one
piece of concrete evidence

that proves that I
was taking advantage

of my position to
lure you into my den.

- You threatened my
future with the company.

- Oh please, I
did no such thing.

- "Craig, I understand
that you have plans,

"but if your social life is more
important than your work."

Sound familiar?

- Well, I may have
said words to that effect.

I didn't mean it as a threat.

- Yeah, I tried to believe
that too, until I got there.

What were you wearing?

- Slacks and a shirt.

- What kind of slacks and shirt?

- Yeah, I mean, you know.

Your ordinary

velvet slacks and a silk shirt.

(audience laughs)
- Tight velvet slacks.

- Yeah, all right, so I
gained a pound or two.

Is that a crime?

- If it were, my wife
would be doing 30 years.

(audience laughs)

- And what about
the silk blouse?

How many buttons were undone?

- One.

Two maybe.

Three tops.

- Hold all calls.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Look, I'm tired of
playing games here.

I like my work, but not enough

to have it contingent upon
my boss's sexual whims.

- Sexual whims?

Craig, you don't understand.

I don't believe in
that sort of thing.

I've been in that spot.

I mean, one of the reasons
I joined this company

is because
Mr. Connors is past his...

(audience laughs and groans)

Because he's such a gentleman.

(audience laughs)

Craig, I am a woman.

I do not need to
force somebody to...

I did, didn't I?

- Yes, you did.

- Well, M.S.

(audience chuckles)

Even when the pants are
velvet, it seems power corrupts.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, so it seems.

I'm sorry.

I'm very embarrassed
about this whole thing.

I respect that young
man very much.

I think he's got a
good creative mind

and I think he has a positive
future with this company.

I believe just given
a little more time,

this whole thing will
just straighten itself out.

I mean, what real
harm has been done?

- Craig quit.

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

(orchestral music)