One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 9 - A Little Larceny - full transcript

Barbara sets out to raise money for a vacation.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ Raindrops keep
falling on my head

♪ Boppedy boppedy boo

♪ And just like the
guy whose feet is too big

♪ For his bed ♪
Nothing seems to fit

♪ Those raindrops
keep falling on my head

♪ They keep falling (hums)


- Fred Astaire has
nothing on you, Schneider.

- Fred Astaire?

No, I was doing Gene Kelly.

Fred Astaire, he always
used to dance with a cane.

- Didn't they have
girls in those days?

- Are you kidding?

I mean, you never
seen Cyd Charisse?

- Who's he?

- I'll tell you what.

The generation gap just
became the Grand Canyon.

- Schneider, who do you like
in the Viking game Sunday?

- Oh, you got to be kidding.

Ryder's gonna kill them.

- Would you give 10 points?

- Absolutely, they
got the best defense,

wait a second.

Since when do you know
about the Vikes and the points?

- Well, since I got this.

- Ooh, football card.

I haven't seen this week's
card, what have you got here?

Well, they got here, let's see.

They got the Jets in
three, that's a good bet.

Green Bay in seven,
that's a little chancy.

See, you pick three out of
three, you get five to one.

You pick 10 out of
10, get 100 to one.

I came very close
to hitting that once.

- Really?

- Yeah, I just missed
on a Notre Dame game.

- Aw, that's too bad.

- Yeah, and the Oklahoma game.

Guy docks a pass on me.

- Well, what are you gonna do?

- Yeah, and the
last second field goal

in a Penn State game, you know.

- Yeah well, I guess
you can't win them all.

- Well, five out of 10.


Where'd you get this thing?

- At school.

- Oh yeah, I guess you
want the old professor

to pick a few for you, huh?

- Oh, no no, I'm not betting.

- Good girl.

- I'm selling, you feel lucky?

- Little Mary Poppins
is all of a sudden

the neighborhood bookie?

- Schneider, it was
my mother's idea.

- Your mother told you to go
out and hustle football cards?

- Well, she said
that if I wanted to go

to Fort Lauderdale
with all my friends,

that I'd have to raise
the money myself.

- Your mother told you
to hustle football cards.

- She told me to get
a job, so I got a job.

- Listen, you can't
fool around with them.

They're illegal.

- Nobody told me that.

Besides, people want them.

My ethics professor
bought two from me today.

Schneider, look at this.

I got 60 bucks
today in commission.

In one week, I am gonna be
able to go to Fort Lauderdale.

- What the hell is your
mother gonna say about this?

- Well, I wasn't
thinking of telling her

because she's got this
thing about gambling.

I mean, we still have to use
beans when we play poker.

Anyway, I don't
want to tell her until

I get that $400.

I'm gonna show her
that I don't need to keep

hitting her up for money.

- Wait a second, now hold it.

Just gear down.

- Schneider come on,
everybody sells them.

- Barb, you don't want to
get involved with them things.

- Schneider...
- All right, okay, okay.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Since you're so set in going
down to Fort Lauderdale.

I'll take these things
down to the lodge

and I'll get rid of them
for you down there.

- Oh Schneider,
that would be terrific.

Are you sure it's not a problem?

- Nah.

The guys will eat them
like it was hot cakes.

Beer Belly will
take six himself.

- Oh Schneider,
you're one in a million.

- Those are about
the right odds.

- Max, Julie.

America is the
land of opportunity.

There is gold in the streets.

- You got a job.

- More like a career.

I'm selling football cards.

- Oh yeah, and I'm
Mean Joe Green.

- She's selling football cards.

- Where'd you get them?

- Fast Freddie.

- Fast Freddie?

- Well, yeah.

All the kids in school get
them from Fast Freddie.

These little cards are
the answer to OPEC.

I'm gonna have the
money rolling in because

Schneider is
selling them for me.

- Aren't these illegal?

- Well, only a little.

Besides, the girls down
at the health food store

want some, the guys
down at the gas station.

- Wait a second, Barbara.

What does your mom
say about all this?

- Nothing.

- You haven't told her?

- Well, she hasn't asked.

Besides, she
really wouldn't care.

That's Mom, act dumb.

- Hi.

- Hi Mom.

- Hi darling, what are you
looking so guilty about?

- Mothers are incredible.

- Let's get out of here.

Hi Mom.
- Hi darling.

- Bye Mom.
- Bye.

- Max and I have to run.

- Yeah, we got places
to go, people to see.

- Yeah.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Oh hi, Schneider, look.

Can I call you back?

Yeah, I just walked
in and I want,

only one phone call, why?

Be right there.

Schneider's at
the police station.

He's been arrested.

Barbara, want to come?

- Oh, yeah.

- [Ann] Okay here,
come on, here's your coat.

Let's go.

- Schneider, Dwayne F.

- Middle name?

- I don't have a middle name.

Just have an initial there.

- Mr. Schneider,
look, I've been filling

out reports for 15 years.

Believe me, I've heard them all.

Now, what is your middle name?

- Flo.

- Don't get cute with me.

- I ain't getting cute with you.

That's my middle name, Flo.

I was named after a
very famous Broadway

impressionist, Flo Zigfield.

- Dwayne Flo Schneider.

No wonder you
turned against society.

Nature of offense,
unlawful gambling.

- Sergeant, would you keep
it down a little bit, please?

- How many times
you been arrested, Flo?

- Once.

When I was eight years old.

Cop caught me stealing a
yo-yo from the five and dime.

And he booked me, took
my name and address,

and he put me on
probation, and that's it.

In my whole life, one yo-yo rap.


- All right Schneider,
come along with me.

Hold it.

Charlie, did you get
anything out of him?

- Big breakthrough, Captain.

I think we finally solved
the great yo-yo caper.

- Well, let's go get
fingerprinted, Flo.

- Hi.

Excuse us, we're here
to clear up whatever

mistake has been made to
take Dwayne Schneider home.

- Dwayne, Dwayne.

Oh, you mean Flo.

Are you Mrs. Schneider?

- Me?

Oh no, no, no.

I'm Ann Romano, hi.

This is my daughter, Barbara.

Barbara, I would
like you to meet

Sergeant Davis.
- Davis.

- Yes it says that there.
- Hi, yeah hi.

- Can we speak
with Mr. Schneider?

- Well, he's being
interrogated right now.

- Interrogated?

- What did he do?

- He got caught.


He's being held on
a gambling charge.

He got picked up
selling football cards.

- What?

Schneider wouldn't do
a dumb thing like that.

Would he?

- Right in here.

Go on in son, make
yourself at home.

- You've already
got somebody here.

I don't want to intrude.

- You're gonna
like Parsons here.

He's nice and friendly.

He's being held for assault
with a deadly weapon.

- Who did he assault?

- His roommate.

Guy forgot to put the cap
back on the toothpaste.

He went after him with his boot.

- Captain, there's a
Ms. Romano and her

daughter here to see Flo.

- No, no, no, no.

Don't let them
come back in here.

I don't want them to
see me all locked up

like some crazed killer.

No offense meant.

Everybody has to have a trade.

- Tell them they'll
have to wait until

I'm through with him in here.

Come over here, son.

Let's talk.

Come on.



- Well, there's not
an awful lot to say.

Me and some of the
guys from the lodge,

we went to a diner
for some lunch

and I was talking to
this nice gentleman

in the very next
booth and I asked him

if he wanted to buy a
card, and that's, that's,

that's how I got to
meet Detective Maloney

of the Vice Squad.

- Well, maybe next
time you won't try to

sell to strangers, huh?

- Captain, there ain't
gonna be any next time.

This is a one shot deal.

I mean, look at me.

Do I look like a
habitual criminal?

- Dwayne.
- Eminence.

- Dwayne.

I'm gonna be
perfectly frank with you.

You are in a lot of trouble.

- I know that.

Believe me, I realize that.

I'm willing to take my
medicine and I'll pay my fine,

even if it's 50 bucks.


Hey look, I'll go,
I'll go as high as 75.

- Try $1,000 and
six months in jail.

- Six months?

With no cover on the potty?

- Dwayne, you don't
belong in prison.

- Thank you, my captain.

- I mean, it's brutal.

Can you imagine
yourself locked up in a cell

for six months?

Unable to see the
birds, see the trees,

your friends, your loved ones.

- Right.

Right, I got to be free.

- Well, there's only one
thing I've got to know

and you can walk
right out of here.

- Okay, anything.

- Who gave you those cards?

- When do I come up for parole?

- Out of all the stupid
things Schneider has done,

this one really takes the cake.

- Mom, it's really
not such a big deal.

I mean, I can see where
someone could just

innocently get
involved in these things.

- Barbara, there's
nothing innocent about it.

The people who run
those football cards

are the same people
who supply the stuff

the kids shoot into their arms.

They're involved
in prostitution,

they're involved in murder.

That money is funneled
directly to the syndicate.

Schneider should
just know better.

He's over 21.

- Would you say that
if he were under 21?

- What?

- Well, what I mean
is that a lot of kids

are selling those
things on campus.

- Then they don't know
what the hell they're doing.

Oh, thank god you're
not involved in that stuff.

- How do you know I'm not?

- Because you're too
smart to get mixed up

in anything like that.

- Mom...

- Honey, did Schneider
say anything to you

about needing money?

- No, now Mom...
- What a fool.

He could be thrown in
prison for something like this.

- Mom...
- Yeah, what?

- I think I'm gonna be sick.

- All right, Schneider.

You want to be stubborn?

Cool your heels in here
with Parsons for awhile.

Maybe that'll help your memory.

Lock it up.

- You knew, these
places aren't as bad

as they make them look
in the movies, you know?

You could put a TV in
here and a waterbed,

you could get 20 bucks a night.

Look at this.

They even deliver
the newspapers.

- That's mine.
- Excuse.


- Don't sit there.

- I wasn't gonna, I
wasn't, I wasn't gonna sit.

When I whistle, sometimes
my knees go down.


- You don't know what
you're laughing at, do you?

- No, I don't know.


- Well, I do.

You're afraid of me.

- Yes, I am, yes.

- You have this image that
I'm some dangerous psychotic.

- No, no, no, no.

- Yes, you do.
- Yes I do, you're right.

- Well, I'm not.
- No.

- I wouldn't harm a fly.

Unless it landed on
something that was mine.

- Bad fly.


- Dead fly.



Ain't I seen you at Jolly Head?

- No.

- Well, I seen you somewhere.

What have they got
you here for, huh?

Bank robbery,
manslaughter, what?

- They got me

for selling football cards.

- For who, the
sisters of the poor?


That's it.

- What?

- Now I got you pegged.
- What?

- Knock on wood.

Solitary confinement,
do that again.

- What?

- That's it.

You remember me, huh?

- What?

- I was in the next cell.

- Oh yeah, right.
- Come on.

- Knock on wood, yeah.

I remember.

- Oh man.

So nice to talk to
someone again.


- Look, ladies.

We know that Schneider
is not a hardened criminal.

In fact, we're not really
even interested in him.

We are after much bigger game.

- Bigger game?

- Yes, whoever gave
him those cards to sell

is a real criminal.

And we're gonna put
that person behind bars

for a long, long time.

- Oh, I agree.

I think you should throw away
the key on people like that.

- However, if Schneider
won't cooperate,

that leaves us no alternative.

We are going to have to
turn him over to the courts

and he's gonna take the rap.

- Don't do that.

Would you let me talk to him?

Maybe I can find out
who he's covering for.

- Well if you think he
can do that, it's worth a try.

Let's go.
- Thank you.

- Mom.

I don't think there's any
point in talking to Schneider.

- Oh, don't be
silly, sweetheart.

He has never been able
to keep a secret from me.

- But I'm responsible.

- Yeah, we're all responsible.

- Schneider.

- What?

- Did you hear the
one about... (knocking)

- All right, quiet
down, Parsons.

We've heard that one before.

- Hello, Schneider.

- Ms. Romano.

- Is it visiting day already?

- Schneider, you
look fine, really fine.

- [Captain] Schneider, come
on out here for a minute.

Ms. Romano's got something
she wants to say to you.

- Schneider, I want you to
look me directly in the eye.

- I'm looking.

- Good.

Now Schneider, I know
there's a reason that you did this

and I know you're
covering up for somebody.

- You do?

- You bet I do.

Now, Schneider,
you've never lied to me.

So who's the person
who gave you those cards?

- I'm sorry, Ms. Romano, I...

- Now Schneider, come on.

There's no honor in
protecting the scum

that's corrupting our city.

Now, give me the
name of that parasite.

- No really, Ms.
Romano, please, I...

- Schneider, you
must, all right?

What would the Duke do?

Yeah good, good, all right.

- It was...
- It was...

- It was...
- It was?

- It was... (stammering)

- I got it, it was your
friend, Beer Belly.

- No, it wasn't Beer Belly.
- Wasn't Beer Belly.

All right, it was, come on,

it was... (stammering)

- It was me.

I'm the one, I'm Mr. Big.

- Barbara.

If you cannot control yourself,

would you please wait outside?

- Mom, I am trying
to tell you that I

gave Schneider the cards.

Now you've got to stop being
such a hero, I can take this.

Besides, if they put me
away now for 10 years,

I'll still only be
29 when I get out.

- You know, I have
tears in my eyes.

Schneider, do you
know how lucky you are?

I mean, to have
friends like this?

This kind of loyalty?

I mean for them,
Schneider, for them,

will you tell us who set
you up with the cards?

- Tell them the
truth, old buddy.

Tell them it was Jimmy Hoffa.

- Are you seriously
trying to tell me

that you were involved in this?

- Mom, I just did
what you told me to do.

- What?

- You said that if I wanted
to go to Fort Lauderdale,

I'd have to raise
the money myself.

- Right.
- So, I started selling

football cards on campus.

- And Schneider
found out about it

and tried to keep
you out of trouble.

- Right.

- Barbara, of all
the idiotic things.

Is this the way you were raised,

to get what you
want no matter what?

- Wait a minute,
Ms. Romano, now.

What's the harm in
betting a buck or two

on a little football game?

I mean, if that's not
awful, then what's

Jimmy the Greek doing
on television every Sunday?

Picking religious sermons?

And the sports pages.

I mean, they give
you the points spread,

they give you the odds,
they give you everything

except the phone
number of a local bookie.

Captain O'Brien, you
never lost a couple of bucks

on Notre Dame?

- Look, miss.

We know that you
are not Mr. Big.

We already know who's
running the campus territory.

What we need is someone
to testify against him.

- Barbara, who
gave you the cards?

- Jimmy Hoffa, kid.

Tell them it was Jimmy Hoffa.

- Parsons!

Look, young lady, I'm
gonna give you a hint.

Now, I'm just gonna
mention two names.

Fast and Freddie.

All right, young lady.

But we still need a conviction.

Lock up the janitor.

- Tough break, Flo.

- No, please don't.

It was Fast Freddie.

- Now we're getting somewhere.

And will you swear
in front of a judge

that it was him?

- Yeah.

- Well, we're finally
gonna nail Fast Freddie.

Goodbye Schneider, we
don't need you anymore.

Turns out you're just
a third string dupe.

Go ahead, get out of here.

- You mean I'm free to go?

I'm free to be me?

Free to be free, I
can go to be free?

I can live on...
- Schneider.

- Hold on, I ain't
leaving without Barbara.

What about Barbara, I
ain't leaving without her.

- You mean, you'll
be leaving without me?

- Young lady, do
me a favor, will you?

Don't get mixed up in
this kind of thing again.

I don't think it's your style.

And we'll be in touch
when we need you.

- Guess that means I'm
not going to Fort Lauderdale.

- Not unless you can get
there on one swift kick.

- Schneider.


- You bet I will.

(upbeat music)