One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 7 - Small Wonder - full transcript

Barbara's young tutor falls for her.

♪ This is it this is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time bah bah bah bah

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time bah bah bah bah

♪ One day at a time



(audience laughing)



- Who is it?

- Your mother.

(audience laughing)


- Hi, where have you been?

- Where have I been?

Ah, where have I?

I was just in there having
an affair with a parka.

- Fine, how are you?

- Barbara, I want you
to be the first to know

that Schneider and
I are getting married.

- That's nice.

- We have to.

- Uh huh.

- You and Schneider?

- Barb, what's the matter?

- Mom and Schneider?

- I don't want to talk about it.

- That's got to be a joke.

- What?

- Mom marrying Schneider.

- You're marrying Schneider?

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, why don't you just
shove me back in the closet

and we'll start all over?

- You shoved her in the closet?

- Julie, forget it okay.

Now Barbara,
something's going on,

something is obviously
bothering you, what is it?

- Alright, take a look
at this test paper.

- A D?

- Is that one of my old tests?

(audience laughing)

- No, it's one of my new ones.

- What happened?

- High school success
turns college flop.

Not a pretty picture, huh mom?


- Come on baby, one bad
grade's not the end of the world.

(audience laughing)

At least you're consistent.

- Don't worry about it Barbara,

you've always been a whiz kid.

- Mom, I don't think I
can make it in college.

- Oh darling, if I can, you can.

- This course
is really a killer.

- What is it?

- Genetics.

The study of heredity and genes.

- Right, the tighter
you wear 'em

the more your heredity shows.

(audience laughing)

- My professor
suggested that I get a tutor.

- Come on Barbara,
you don't need a tutor.


You need a tutor.

- What do you think mom?

- Well I think if
that's what it takes

it's a terrific idea.

- Really?

- Really.

- You think so?

- Yes.

- Oh great, I signed
up this morning.

It's gonna cost you
eight bucks an hour.

- Wrong, it's gonna cost
me four and you four.

- Great, there goes my
clothes allowance until 1988.

Well, they said he'd
be here any minute.

- Well, uh, that's
very fast service.

- Yeah, well I told him it
was an intellectual red alert.

- Did you order a cute guy?

- I ordered a smart one.

- That was dumb.

(audience laughing)

- All I know is that his
name is Ted Lumas.

- Ted Lumas, definitely
a cute guy's name.

- You think so?

- Trust me.

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh no, now I'm going
to have to worry about

the way I look even
while I'm studying.

- This could be the
romance of the century.

I guess being dumb
is really paying off.

- Hi.

- Oh, I'm sorry, we
already take the paper.

- I'm Ted Lumas.

(audience laughing)

- You're Ted Lumas, the tutor?

- You are Ms. Barbara Cooper?

- Oh yes, I am.

- I told ya, cute.

(audience laughing)

- May I come in?

- Oh yes, you can, come in.

- Hello.

- Oh Ted, this is my
mother and my sister, Julie.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

- Uh, why don't you
sit over there Ted?

Nice couch.

- You know, you're
really not what I expected.

I mean I thought you'd be...
- Taller?

- Older.

- How old are you?

- Well chronologically I'm 13,

except mentally, well I'm
somewhat more mature.

(audience laughing)

- How mature?

- My IQ is 180.

- You're a genius.

- An accident at
birth, of course.

- [Ann] Oh, of course.

- Course.

That's nice.

- Uh, Ted, can we
get you anything?

Encyclopedia, dictionary?

- No thanks, I've read them.

(audience laughing)

- You've read them, ha ha.

- He's read them.
- Ha, he's read them.


- Ted, I don't think
this is going to work.

- What do you mean?

- Well, you just seem so young.

- I'll grow out of it.

- I know that, but...

- What are you hiring me
for, my brain or my body?

(audience laughing)

- Look Ted...

- You think I'm
weird, don't you?

Don't worry, you
know you're not alone.

Even my parents think I'm weird.

I guess it all started
when my mom caught me

reading the label of my
Gerber strained peaches.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I did that too.

But I was 35.

- Look, I know my
appearance is youthful,

but I'm a college senior
majoring in biochemistry

and I specialize in genetics.

- Sounds like he's your man.

- In a manner of speaking.

(audience laughing)

- [Barbara] Well
uh, let's get started.

- Neato.

- Neato.

- Hey anybody for
coffee, uh, milk?

- Got any Ding Dongs?

- Sorry we're fresh out.

- In culinary
matters I'm still a kid.

- Well, I guess we should
leave you two alone.

- You sure it's safe?

- Yeah.

- Tell me, uh, what
made you say yes?

Was it my way with words?

Or perhaps my
power of persuasion?

- I think maybe it was your
charismatic personality.

- Charismatic, good word.

- Uh yeah, I know a couple.

- Okay Ms. Cooper...
- Barbara, please.

- Barbara, where
would you like to begin?

- DNA.

- Good answer.

- It is?

- Yes, because
deoxyribonucleic acid

is where all life begins.

Or at least that's
the current thinking,

though I have my doubts.

Now the first
thing to know is...

- Is how to pronounce it.

- It's lucky I don't
charge for overtime.

Okay, first let's
consider heredity pairs

in the log independent

- Uh, Ted, just a second.

Let me get a fresh notebook,

just in case you say
something I understand.

♪ The very thought of you

♪ The very very thought of you

♪ The very very
- Hello there kid.

- Hi.

- What are you
peddling something?

- Kind of.

- Got to be the youngest
salesman I ever seen.

What are you
pushing Absorbine Jr?

(audience laughing)

I bet you got a
half off sale, right?


- Actually, I'm a tutor.

- No kidding, sax or trombone?

- Genetics.

- Electric?

- Oh hi Schneider.

- Ah, Barbara.

Voila, el juicer esta completo.

- Uh Schneider...

- What I did with this
thing is absolutely amazing.

It will now squeeze a dozen
oranges in one minute flat.

It will wring a pint
of juice out of a raisin

and it will puree a watermelon.

- That is amazing, it
used to be a toaster.

- What?

- Schneider, we
don't have a juicer.

You must have fixed our toaster

and given it to
the wrong tenant.

- Ugh.

Oh you're right.

Ms. La Rue, I gave,

she's probably
downstairs right now

toasting her grapefruits.

- Ted, this is our building
superintendent, Mr. Schneider.

- How do you do Mr. Schneider?

(speaking foreign language)

- That's French for
pleased to meet you.

(speaking foreign language)

(audience laughing)

- What do we got here,
the box boy from the UN?

- Schneider, Ted and
I are studying together.

- Oh.

You're helping him
with his studies, huh?

Hey Barbara, that's real nice.

- Oh no, Ted's the
tutor, I'm the tutee.

- Hey what's the difference,

so long as you both
each helping the other.

- That's redundant.

- My pleasure.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, Ted is
helping me in genetics.

He's a senior at city college.

- He's a senior in col,

you're a senior in college?

I mean, what are
we talking about here,

some kind of a child progidy?

- That's prodigy.

- Try genius.

- Genius, eh?

How much is 3,671 times 512?

- 1,879,552.

- Close enough.

How tall was Galileo?

- Schneider, please.

- I want to tell you something,

I'm really impressed.

Your parents must be very
proud of you young man.

I know mine were of me.

- Really?

- Yeah, I was something
of a child prodigy myself.

Of course was purely
on a physical level.

- Remarkable.

- That's what all
the ladies said, yeah.

- Well, let's get busy.

- They used to
say that too, yeah.

- Genetics, again?

You have really been cramming.

- Oh yeah.

You know but it's
really paying off.

I actually got a B
on this week's quiz.

- I'm very impressed.

Ted's quite a kid.

- You know sometimes I
have a hard time thinking

of him as a kid.

(doorbell ringing)

That's got to be Ted now.

You know sometimes
I wonder what it's like

to be so young and
yet know so much.

- Hi Barbara.

- Hi have a I got
a surprise for you.

- A B, is that all?

(audience laughing)

I'm afraid we're gonna have
to spend more time studying

together Barbara.

- Oh now Ted, come
on, give the girl a break.

I think a B's very good.

- You do?

- Yes.

- You know, you may be
the root of this problem.

(audience laughing)

Actually, a B is a
big step forward.

- Oh, thank you, oh.

- Ah, I got a little gift for
our one week anniversary.

- Aw.

Something I know you don't have.

- What is it?

- A box of Ding Dongs.

- That's great, thank you.

- Congratulations
on your quiz, Barbara.

- Thank you.
- You know something Ted,

you're the one to
be congratulated,

Barbara couldn't have
done it without you.

- She's right Ted,
you are incredible.

- Do you really think so?

- Yes, you're brilliant.

You're very sweet
and you're very funny.

- And you don't think of
me as just another kid?

- How could I possibly?

- Really?

- Really.

- Well in that case, how 'bout
going out with me tonight?

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

How 'bout it, Barbara?

Are you free tonight?

- Uh, well, uh,
Ted, actually, uh,

I really should look
through my calender.

- Yes, Barbara's very busy.

- Hey Barb, I
found a great movie.

- Good, who you going with?

- You, you've been moaning about

having nothing to do tonight.

- [Ted] Really?

- Yes.

- Ah Julie...

- Mother, she's been dying
to get out of the house.

She hasn't had a
date in three weeks.

- Great, neither have I.

- Julie, can I talk to
you for just a minute?

- Foot in my mouth again?

- And then some.

- What about it Barbara?

Is it a date?

- Oh, Ted,

I don't think so.

- Why not?

- Well, because it's silly.

- What's silly about it?

I'm a man and you're a woman.

- Oh.

Ted, don't you think you
should ask out someone

your own age?

- Have you ever tried
discussing Plato with someone

who has bubblegum
stuck in her braces?

- No, can't say I have.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, it's okay.

You know Barbara,
I've had a rough life.

- Already?

- Being a genius isn't easy.

Kids my age are out having fun.

People your age
are out having fun.

Me, I just stand
around getting smarter.

(audience laughing)

- Ted.

I do enjoy your company,
but there is an age thing.

- May December
relationships are always rough.

- You're not making
this very easy.

- Okay Ms. Cooper, let's
just be logical for a minute.

- Uh oh.

- I'm a college student,

therefore I should
enjoy the same things

as any other college student.

- Yes, but realistically...

- Realistically don't you
think I'm entitled to some fun?

- I promise you, I'll
show you a good time.

- I don't know.

- And I'll respect
you, hands off.


- Oh, well that'd be a change.

- Geniuses can be very
entertaining you know.

For example, Einstein
was a great dancer.

And Darwin was more fun
than a barrel of monkeys.

What do you say?

Come on, we'll go to a movie.


- Okay, fine.

- Neato.

My mom and I'll
pick you up at six.

- Uh, Ted, why don't we
make it seven and I'll drive.

- Great, and we'll make
up this lesson tomorrow.

I have to get home.

I may need to shave.

See you later, Barbie.

(audience clapping)

- Okay, so?

- Well?

- I have a date.

- Oh, Barbara.

- Where is he gonna
take you, the Pony Park?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I just couldn't
hurt him, I had to be nice.

- Honey, Ted obviously
has a crush on you.

Sometimes it is a hell of a
lot nicer not to be so nice.

- Look, one show and a
bite to eat isn't gonna hurt.

- Yeah, that's what
the Christians said

on the way to the Coliseum.

- Gee Barbara, I
don't know what to say,

I'm really sorry, I
mean I had no idea.

- Schneider what
are you talking about?

Sorry about what?

- Your date with
that pocket calculator.

- How do you know about that?

- How do I know about it?

I'm the square root
cause of the whole thing.

- What?

- Well the other day I
happened to bump into him

in the hallway after your lesson

and he told me he had a crush.

You know, so, I
gave him a few tips.

- You put him up to this?

- Well I didn't
know that Barbara

was the object of his rejection.

I thought it was some little
hustler he met at day camp.

- Look Schneider...

- I didn't give him the whole
Schneider charm course,

you know just your basics.

Even so, he was
really very grateful.

He said if it hadn't been for me

he'd be home tonight
reading the Iliad.

Probably in the original French.

- Look Schneider, it's okay.

I mean he's just a kid,
it's just a schoolboy crush.

- Hold it, hold it, detail halt.

Don't you
underestimate this kid.

When I was his age Errol
Flynn wanted my autograph.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, but Schneider,
you were a rarity.

- Hey facts are facts.

Listen Barbara, just
do me a favor huh?

Be careful.

Short waters run deep.

- Look Schneider, it's
just one night, no big deal.

- Well Barbara,
maybe not for you,

but what about Ted?

- Yeah, what if he wants
to kiss you goodnight?

- Lift him up.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- What's the matter Barbara,
didn't you like the movie?

- Oh no, I loved it really.

I think it's great that you
can get in for half price.

(audience laughing)

Oh, I didn't mean, oh.

Ted are you sure you
want to come here?

I mean everybody comes here.

- Everybody except me,
and I've always wanted to.

- Why?

It's really dull.

- I think it's neato.

- What's the matter Barbara,

are you ashamed
to be seen with me?

- Oh ashamed, of course
not, that's ridiculous.

- How many?

- Two please, just
me and my date.

- Whatever turns you on.

This way.

- Oh, thank you.

- We'll have a couple of beers.

- No, you won't.

- Hey I can't drink anyway.

You know, bad liver.

- Just bring us two coffees.

- Yeah.

- Aren't you afraid
it'll stunt his growth?

- You know, hostility
is very often a sign

of sexual frustration.

(audience clapping)

Wow, this is
really terrific, huh?

- Yeah, it's a
really nice place.

- Not the place.

I mean us.

Being here with you,
Barbara I like you.

- And I like you Ted.

- I mean, I really like you.

In fact, you're the
first girl I ever really...

- Don't say it.

- Loved.

- Oh, uh.

Ted, you are very sweet,

but it's just an
infatuation, a crush.

- It's more than that.

You know Barbara,
you're one of the few people

that I really feel
comfortable with.

Hard to know where
I belong sometimes.

- Ted that's because
you're very special.

- Yeah, special.

You know what they
say, ignorance is bliss.

Well sometimes
I think that's true.

Sometimes I'd just
like to be ordinary.

That's why I'm so glad you
came out with me Barbara.

You've made me feel ordinary.


- Ted, you know, nobody's
ever said that to me before.

- I mean it, Barbara.

That's not just some line I
picked up from Schneider.

- Hi Barbara, how you doing?

- Joe, Scott, hi.

- Hey, who's this,
your little brother?

- Um, this is Ted Lumas.

- Hi.

- Hiya Ted.
- Hi.

- You babysitting?

- Hey, shouldn't you
be in bed by now?

- She's not that kind of girl.

This is our first date.

- Date?

- Well, Ted is my tutor
in genetics, he's a genius.

- Oh how 'bout that,

contributing to the
delinquency of a genius.

- Wait, are you
really on a date?

- Well...
- With him?

- That'd make a great
story for the school paper.

- Oh, you guys.

- Oh right, let's get the facts.

Now who, what, when, where, why?

- No, we're not on a date.

I mean we just went to a
movie, but he's a kid, I mean.

- I guess for a genius
I'm pretty dumb.

- That kid is weird.

- Shut up.


Oh excuse me, Ted,
what are you doing?

- Calling my mother
to pick me up, okay.

- Oh, don't do that.

Ted, I'm really sorry.

I was rotten.

- Yeah, I know.

- I don't know what to say.

- How 'bout the truth?

You were embarrassed.

- Okay, I was.

But Ted, I really do like you.

And I enjoy being
with you as a friend.

- Those guys
treated me like a baby

and you went along with them.

You're not my friend.

- Oh Ted...
- Hey Barb, need a ride home?

- I'm on a date.

- [Joe] I thought
you said you weren't?

- Okay, I lied!

I am on a date with Ted,

and I really like him,
he's a terrific guy.

- Do you really mean that?

- Yeah, I do.

- Great.

You heard her, buzz off.

(audience clapping)

Think I'm terrific, huh?

- Yeah, I do.

- Then how 'bout another date?

- What?

- Saturday night
November 3rd, 1990.

- 10 years from now?

- I'll be 23, a young man.

- And I'll be 28, an old lady.

- I don't care, is it a date?

- Yeah, and in the meantime.

I'd like you to be my friend
and tutor, what do you say?

- Neato.

- Neato. (giggling)

(audience clapping)

(whimsical music)