One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 3 - Julie's Wedding: Part 1 - full transcript

Julie comes home with a guy she plans to marry acting all sweet and submissive.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Viola. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

Dear Schneider would
you fix the shower too?

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, hi.

Is anybody home?

- Nah, just me.

I was fixing the switch.

- Where is everybody?

- They went out shopping.

How was the ski trip?

- Fantastic.

Super, incredible.

I sprained my
ankle the first day.

- That's too bad.

- No, that's too good.

- How could it be
good if you (chuckles).

I get it, a little (speaking
in a foreign language)

down by the fireplace, huh?

- Schneider, you're psychic.

- Nah, not really.

Just that we who live
for love know the sign.

What was this rascal's name?

Jacques, Henri, Jean-Claude?

- Fred.

- Oh, don't spoil it.

I can visualize the
whole picture now.

There you are, a beautiful girl,

shooting across the slopes,

now they're getting a
little steeper because

you're approaching the most
dangerous part of the mountain

the Devil's Overbite, alright?

Then from above,
suddenly, on a ledge

it's a race against death.

Then from behind the thistle
pine comes Jean-Claude.

He is riding a white snowmobile.

- It's Fred.

- No, it's not, don't spoil it!

He grabbed you up
in his steel-like arms

and whisked you
away to his secret chalet

on the top of the mountain

amidst the nooks
and the crannies.

And then he takes care
of your poor, injured ankle

with a bevy of kisses.
(imitates smooching)

And then he asks
you to marry him.

And you say, "Oui,
oui, yes, yes, oui, oui."

- How did you know?

- How'd I know what?

- That I'm getting married.

- You're getting married?

Who are you gonna marry?

- Jean-Claude.

(audience laughs)

I mean, Fred.

- I was just kidding around.

I mean, that's incredible.

I didn't know you were
gonna get married.

Maybe I am psychic.

- Maybe you are.

- Julie, you could have
been killed in my avalanche.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, I am
getting married.

- I know, you said that.

Tell me all about it.

- Okay, well,

he is a great skier,
he's very intelligent,

he lives right here
in Indianapolis,

he can wiggle his ears,

he loves asparagus,
and... (phone ringing)



He's at the airport.

Well, no, I just wasn't
expecting you until tomorrow.

Oh no, I wanna see you too.

Okay, then catch a cab
and we'll have dinner here.

I love you too.

Bye bye.

- Julie, you're glowing.

- It shows, huh?

- You're absolutely glowing.

- Asparagus.

I gotta get him
asparagus for dinner.

- Kid is two feet off the ground

and all it took was
a green vegetable.

(audience laughs)

Maybe Popeye's right.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, Schneider.

- Hi, Ms. Romano.

- Hey, Julie's home.


- Not here, she went out.

- Oh, well, Schneider
what are you doing here?

Still working on that switch?

- Nah, I'm just sitting here
waiting for you. (laughs)

I don't wanna be the first one

to give you the big
news about Julie.

- What big news?

- I can just see your
faces when you hear it.

- What big news?
- What happened?

- Of course, on the other hand

maybe I shouldn't
be the first to tell you.

- Schneider.

- I mean, maybe I
shouldn't be the one to break

the big news about Julie.

Sensational as it is!

(audience laughs)

- Okay, don't tell us.

Barbara, would you
put the skis away?

- Sure.

- You mean to tell me
you don't want to hear

the news about
your own daughter?

- Mom, where would you
like me to put the skis?

- I think the bedroom is.

- Okay, okay.



went to the market. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

That's all you're gonna
squeeze outta me.

That's it.

That's all.

This is too big.

This happens once
in a girl's lifetime.

Maybe twice.

(audience laughs)

Well, you live in Southern
California, seven or eight times.

(audience laughs)

- Ma, what are we
having for dinner?

- Salad, lamb chops, potatoes.

- Asparagus. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

That's it, that's the last clue.

That's the last clue.

The last one. (laughs)

I love what you've
done with this apartment.

Something old, something
new, something borrowed,

look at this, it's blue.

- Julie's getting married?

- You're psychic!

(audience laughs)

- Julie's getting married?

When, what happened?

- Ms. Romano, I don't think I
should be the one to tell you.

- Schneider, who
is she marrying?

- She's gonna marry Fred.

- Fred who?
- I don't know.

- What's he look like?
- I don't know.

- What's his last name?
- I don't know.

- What does he do for a living?

- I don't know that.

- What do you know?

- Well, he can
wiggle his asparagus.

(audience laughs)

His ear.


- That's it?

He can wiggle his ears.

- Julie's getting married?

She's only been gone a week.

This is ridiculous.

- Do you suppose
we'll get to meet him

before she marries him?

- Oh yeah, he's gonna stop
by here on his way home.

Matter of fact he should
be here in two minutes.

- Two minutes?

- Yes, and I must say
this place is an M-E-S-S.

- Yes, Barbara would you.

- Mom, Barbara,
wait until you hear.

You heard?

(audience laughs)

- They guessed it.

- Mom, no, no,
you're gonna love him.

And he's here.


- Let's hurry it up, babe.

(audience laughs)

- Oh my god.

(audience laughs)

- It's been a long day
and I wanna hit the sack.

- Fred, ixnay on el filtho.

- No, this isn't Fred,
this is the cab driver.

We needed change.

(audience applauds)

- Oh, you're not Fred.

- How nice.

(audience laughs)

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, Fred.

I'm Ann.

- I'm Max.
- Max.

- Hiya, honey.

- [Ann] Fred?

- Hold it.

Can you wiggle your ears?

- Yeah.

- Hey, Fred.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, this is Fred Clinton.

- Hi, Ms. Romano.

- Hello, Fred.

- Julie Clinton, not bad.

- Fred, this is my
ugly sister, Barbara.

- Hi, Barbara.

- And this is Max
Horvath, Fred's best friend.

The three in three's a crowd.

- [Ann] Yes, hi.

- I'm Dwayne Schneider,
the building superintendent.

Guys, I'm into hang gliding.

(audience laughs)

- And I'm George Stubbs.

Look, my motor's running
and there's a gas shortage.

- I'm sorry, anybody
got change for a 20?

- Yeah, yeah I can
break that for you.

- Ma, he's got $20.

That's more than any
date Julie's ever had.

(audience laughs)

So on a scale of one to 10?

- Seven, eight.

- So, Fred, what do
you do for a living?

- I'm going to medical school.

- 10. (audience laughs)

- It was 3:00 a.m.

Fred, Max, and I singing
our heads off in the hot tub.

- (laughing) And the manager
had the nerve to complain.

- I don't know why.

All we did was pour in 48
packages of bubble bath.

(audience laughs)

- The bubbles just
barely reached the lobby.

That was some night.

- I'll say.

I don't think we ever
got to bed that night.

- That answers
one question for you.

(audience laughs)

- So, Fred, tell
us about yourself.

You came as quite a surprise.

- I bet I did.

- Yeah, well what I...

- Fred, you don't have to help.

I love to do the dishes.

(audience laughs)

- You are the sweetest
girl in the world.

- Well, that's because I
found the sweetest guy.

- It's a wonder they haven't
been attacked by bees.

(audience laughs)

- You know, Max, it's a shame
your mother didn't believe

in zero population growth.

- She is sensitive,
you gotta give her that.

- But, Max, can I
get you anything?

Coffee, tea, bus ticket?

(audience laughs)

- Fred, tell us about yourself.

- Yeah, how did you two meet?

- On the slopes.

- It was fate.

I feel and hurt my ankle.

- Three times before he noticed.

(audience laughs)

- Well, was it
love at third sight?

- I fell in love with here
the minute I saw her.

- There she was, head
buried in the snow.

(audience laughs)

- Don't listen to him.

No matter how you look at Julie

she's beautiful.

- Fred, not in
front of everybody.

- She's so shy, isn't she?

- Who?

(audience laughs)

Oh, Julie.

- Julie, shy, come on. (laughs)

- Why don't most of
us go in the other room?

- Okay.

- That was a nice
dinner, Ms. Romano.

- Oh, thank you.

- It was great to get to
know the whole family.

- Yeah, well, we really
didn't cover all that much.

So, Fred, tell us
about yourself.

- Oh, mom, the
only thing that counts

is that Fred and I are
crazy about each other.

- That's right.

- Yeah, well, I mean
hey that's where it's at.

(audience laughs)

Could I just ask one
or two little things?

- [Fred] Sure.

- Who the hell are you?

(audience laughs)

Where are you from?

Who are your folks?

Have you ever been
arrested, smoked pot,

had a sex change?

- Mom!

- Honey, I don't
know the first...

I don't know anything
about this man.

I don't even know
his middle name.

- Okay, I'll fill you in later.

Fred and I have
talked and talked.

What is your middle name?

- Beverly.

(audience laughs)

It's a rich uncle.

- I love it.

- You're too much.

(audience laughs)

- I'll tell you,

when these two get into
one of these conversations

they're hard to keep up with.

(audience laughs)

Hey, Fred, come
on, what do you say?

We gotta get home.

- I'll drive you guys.

Get your stuff.

- Ms. Romano, I'm
sorry to have met you

under such trying circumstances.

- And I'll see you tomorrow
and we'll talk, okay?

- Okay.

- Mom.
- Who?


- Just thought I'd try it on.

See ya, Barb.

- Bye.

Well, well, well.

- Well, well.

You know,

a mother in law
could do a lot worse.

- True, very true.

- Why am I so worried?

- Do you know what it is?

That's not Julie.

You saw the way she
was with him, quiet, sweet.

That's not Julie,
that's Mary Poppins.

(audience laughs)

Fred's gonna marry a
girl he hasn't even met yet.

- You're right.

- Forgot the car keys.

- You know, Julie's
really something special.

And she's so
wonderful, and so sweet.

So innocent.

- Good ole Mary Poppins.

(audience laughs)

- Look, Fred,
I've gotta tell you

that I really admire
you and Julie.

I do.

I mean, you could have
gotten married up there

but instead you
decided to come home.

- Well, we did wanna
talk it over with you.

- And we appreciate that.

We do.

I mean, you and Julie can
get to really know each other.

Have a long engagement,
plan a church wedding,

maybe next June.

- June?

No, we're getting
married next week.

- Next week?

- Got 'em.

- You're getting
married next week?

- Mom, we gotta have
time to plan the wedding.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Hi, mom, you want some coffee?

- I raise a daughter, I try
to teach her what's right,

I pound some
sense into her head.

- And then she wants to
marry the first handsome,

polite, medical student
who comes along.

(audience laughs)

- Where did I go wrong?

Didn't she learn anything
from what happened to me?

- Mom, no one wants to
learn from their parents.

Sure you don't want any coffee?

- She's so young.

She's had no experience.

- Julie was born older than you.

(audience laughs)

- Well, that's true.

Hey, Barbara, please,
can I have some coffee?

- Sure, why didn't
I think of that?

(audience laughs)

- One week!

One week!

Nevermind he's a total stranger.

One week to put an
entire wedding together.

That girl is absolutely nuts.

I told your father not to
bounce her on his knee so hard.

(audience laughs)

And where are we gonna
find the wedding invitations?

- I don't know, coffee.

- And what about the
church, the reception?

What about the flowers?

Does she want a
priest or a guru?

- Don't ask me,
here's your coffee.

- And how does she know
she even loves this guy?

- Why don't you ask Julie?

- I will if she comes home
in time for the wedding.

Barbara, where's my coffee?

- It's right (laughs).

- Hi, mom.

- Hello, Julie.

- Are we gonna have a fight?

(audience laughs)

- Entirely possible.

- Okay, put your dukes up.

(audience laughs)

You're not smiling.
- No.

- Didn't think so.

- Where'd you get the gloves?

- Oh, they're Max's weird
idea of a wedding present.

- Julie.


- Yes, mother dear?

- Why the hell do you have
to get married in a week?

- Because we love each other.

- That is no reason
to get married.

(audience laughs)


you say that you
love each other.

But do you know each other?

- Mom, I feel as though
I've known Fred all my life.

- How come he never called?

(audience laughs)

- Barbara, go to your room.

- Julie, I'm sorry, mom's right.

What's the big hurry?

- We wanna have a honeymoon.

And Fred's gotta go back to
school in a couple of weeks.

Besides, he's perfect.

He's exactly what I've
always wanted for a husband.

And like daddy always said,

if you get a bite,
you set the hook,

and land it before
the sharks arrive.

- Your daddy always
was a romantic.

(audience laughs)

- You guys haven't even
told me if you like him or not.

- Honey, how are
we supposed to tell?

We've only known
him for an hour.

- Okay, mom, do
you want me to elope?

I can go right now.

- Julie, all I am saying to you

is I have a feeling that
this is wrong for you.

- You would feel it was
wrong if I married the Pope.

- I certainly would.

(audience laughs)


Julie, I just want
you to be happy.

- Mom, I am happy.

- I can't believe this.

All the times we've
talked about it

and now it's happening.

My sister is actually
getting married.

- Yup.

- I like your guy.

- Aw, thanks.

- Well, I guess if God can
create the world in six days,

we can put a wedding
together in seven.

- Mama,

thank you.

- Honey, we'll never get
a wedding dress in time.

- I'll make one.

- Awfully short
notice to get a church.

- That's okay, I wanna
be married in the park.

(laughs hysterically)

- In the park?

In the cold?

In Indianapolis?

- Mom, I've always dreamt
of being married in the park.

- Honey, we're
gonna have to get you

a thermal wedding dress.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, the temperature's
gonna be in the 60s.

- I certainly hope so.


I've got you there, they'd
have to be mailed tomorrow.

There's no possible way
to get invitations engraved

in such a short time.

- Hiya, Julie.

Spoke to my plumber
friend, Commodore Dutch.

(audience laughs)

He says he can have
those invitations for ya

by 10 o'clock tomorrow.

(audience laughs)

- A plumber is gonna engrave

my daughter's
wedding invitations?

- Commodore works at night.

Man is a real pro.

Why, if you gave him
until 12 noon tomorrow

he could throw in a
couple of Swiss passports.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, thank you.

- De nada.

Anything for you guys.

Our little girl's
getting married.

(audience laughs)

- I'm gonna miss you, sis.

- Me too.


We gotta get bridesmaids.

Okay, we'll call Marci.
- And Terry.

- Yes, okay.

Would you be my maid of honor?

- I'd love to be
your maid of honor.

- I guess we're stuck
with Max as the best man.

- I like Max.

- Yeah, so does Max.

(audience laughs)

Come on, you gotta
help me make a list.

We got a million things to do.

We gotta call the minister.

- Minister?

- Well, Fred is
Presbyterian or something.

(audience laughs)

- Or something?

(audience laughs)

Ed, would you stop
making father noises?

Ed, yes, of course
he took the blood test.


He passed.

(audience laughs)

Ed, look, I know
that you want them

to be married in a church,

they would rather be
married in the park.

Ed, don't yell at me,
please, it is their wedding.

Ed, look,

all I am asking of you is
that you be on the plane

so that you will
be here by noon.

Because the wedding
has to be over by 1:24.

Because that's when the
automatic sprinklers go on.

(audience laughs)

- Mom!

- [Ann] Hold it, Ed.

- Hi.

We ordered the ring.

It's gonna be here
in three weeks.

- Three weeks?

The wedding's Saturday.

- That's okay, they
gave us a loaner.

- Isn't it beautiful?

- I love the inscription.

It says, "To
Tanya, love, Butch."

- (laughs) Cute.

Julie, would you
say hi to your father?

Don't mention the loaner.

- Yeah.

Hi, daddy.

Dad, wait until you
meet Fred, he is great.

He's charming, he's
witty, he's intelligent.

Say hi to dad.

- Hi.

- See what I mean?

(audience laughs)

Well, okay.

Okay, daddy, well
have a nice trip.

Bye bye.

He's gonna be in
New York all week

but he's definitely
gonna make the wedding.

- If there is a wedding
for him to make.

My darling, we haven't even
ordered the wedding cake,

I have no idea what
I'm going to wear,

parka and galoshes, I guess.

- It's all gonna work out.

- (laughs nervously) Hope so.

You two are turning
me prematurely gray.

- But then, who'll ever know?

(audience laughs)

- Stuff it.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, you guys, anybody
else you wanna invite

speak up now.

- You got Aunt Mildred
and Uncle George?

- Yeah.

Aw, ma, do we have to
invite the Mongafridos?

- No, my darling,
you don't have to,

but she was awfully nice
to you when you were little.

- Yeah, I know, but
it's getting out of hand.

We got the Mongafridos,

we got Uncle Norm,
who I've never met,

and who the hell
is Beatrice Clinton?

- My mother.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

- Maybe.

- Try.

(doorbell rings)

(audience laughs)

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, Fred, I thought we
were gonna play tennis.

I've been waiting on the court.


Is this gonna take long?

(audience laughs)

- Well, rumor has it that
when he starts wiggling his ears

he's coming up for air.

(audience laughs)

- Do you play tennis?

- Sometimes.

- Get your stuff.

- Great.

- Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

What about the invitations?

- All done, ready to be
mailed, just lick that one.

- Oh, thank you.

- Fred'll mail the invitations.


Would you take them
down to the post office?

- Sure, angel.

See ya.

- Sure, angel.

See ya.

Boy, you got a ring in
his nose already, huh?

- You know something, Max,

you've got nice eyelashes.

- Thank you.

- And that's it.

(audience laughs)

- You know she says that but
she had her eyes on my legs

the entire time we
were in that hot tub.

- What I kept my
eyes on was his hands.

- Well, nothing ventured.

- Hey, any guy who
would bring a snorkel

and a face mask to a hot tub.

(audience laughs)

Do you think that's funny, mom?

- Yeah, kinda.

(audience laughs)

- It worked,
everybody up and left.

(audience laughs)

Except for one
woman about your age.

- It's a desperate age.

Hey, would you like some pie?

- I'd love a piece of pie.

What do ya got?

- No, mom!

Mom, don't feed
him, he'll never leave.

(audience laughs)

- Darling, he's your
fiance's best friend.

- Yes, and he's doing
everything he can think of

to break us up.

- Julie, that's not true.

I'm only thinking of you.

Ms. Romano, I don't
want her to ruin her life.

Fred is not right for her.

He's not her type.

He's too nice.

- Hey, now, hold it.

- Mom, mom!

Wait, okay?

Hold on.

I can handle my own battles.

- Listen, Julie,

let me tell you something
straight out, okay?

You're a phony.

Putting on this little miss
sweet act around Fred.

Miss Sweet, come
on, give me a break.

- Mom, can you believe this guy?

- Well...
- What do you mean well?

(audience laughs)

- You told your mom
to stay out of it, Julie.

- Okay.

Max, would you like to
step out on the balcony?

- You don't have a balcony.

- I know.

(audience laughs)

Why don't you just
get out of here, okay?

I can see why you're
hanging onto Fred,

he's probably the only
friend you ever had.

- Okay, I'm going.

- Good.
- Great.

I'm on my way
halfway out the door.

Just let me tell you one
more thing okay, Julie?

You're making a big mistake.

Fred is not right for you.

- How do you know
what is right for me?

- Because I love you!

(audience gasps)

And in case you hadn't noticed,

I think you love me too.

(audience applauds)

- [Announcer] Be sure
to watch next week

for the concluding
episode of Julie's Wedding.

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)