One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 2 - Pressure - full transcript
Barbara's current boyfriend pressures her to have sex, so Barbara feels she should at least go out and buy some protection.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead,
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time, da, dada da
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time, da, dada da
♪ One Day at a Time
- Brad, Brad, what are
you doing back there?
- I was looking for the hook.
- It's in the front, where
I can keep an eye on it.
Could you cool down a minute?
- Barbara, I'm 19, I'm
almost past my prime.
(audience laughing)
- You could have fooled me.
- We've been going
together for five months now.
When two people care about
each other they way we do,
they should express it.
- Well, what do
you want me to do?
Forget I said that.
- We've been playing
this game too long.
- It's not a game, Brad.
- Right, games are fun.
- Come on, that's
not fair, I mean,
this isn't easy for me, either.
I get frustrated.
- I can fix that.
- Brad.
I want to, but I don't want to.
I'm not sure, maybe
I'm just not ready.
- You know, I could
understand that if you were a kid.
But, you're 18 years old.
You're a freshman in college.
- So, statistics show that
42% of college freshman
are still virgins.
- Statistics, huh?
Well, at least you're
thinking about it.
- Constantly.
Brad, if it'll make
you feel any better,
you're the only person I would
even consider sleeping with.
- So, let's sleep.
- Brad!
(audience laughing)
Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm
just holding onto my childhood.
I know you'd be good to me.
- I will, I will!
- But I want it to
be very special.
- Absolutely, absolutely.
- Atmosphere is very important.
- Right, right.
- [Barbara] We can't
do anything here.
- Where, where?
- I've always dreamt of Hawaii.
(audience laughing)
- Damn, damn.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- [Brad] Hi.
- Hope we're not
interrupting anything.
- You sure aren't.
I gotta get going.
I'll give you a call tomorrow.
After I brush up
on my statistics.
- Brad, look, just give
me some time, okay?
- I'll talk it over
with my hormones.
- Well, what was that all about?
Brad sounded so serious.
- Oh, nothing, just sex.
(audience laughing)
- Sex?
- Yeah, you've heard
of it, the three-letter word
meaning frustration, anxiety,
and if I don't, so long, Brad.
- Look, if Brad is pressuring
you into doing something
you're not ready for,
I don't...
- It's not just Brad.
It's the world.
Everybody is having
sex, except me.
- Yeah, they oughta put
you in the Smithsonian,
right next to the
Spirit of St. Louis.
(audience laughing)
- Even the Spirit of
St. Louis made it once.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Now, Barbara, I am sure
that there are some virgins
left in this world.
- Yes, they're having
a convention next week
at the Biltmore.
(audience laughing)
In a phone booth.
- Look, even if
everybody were doing it,
that's not a good enough
reason to go along.
- No, but it's one
of the popular ones.
And then I do have
a few of my own.
- Barbara, listen,
we understand.
You're a woman with a woman's
feelings and her yearnings
and her passions.
- Don't overdo it, Julie.
- It's true!
Ma, after I see Brad, I
feel tense, I feel restless.
- I hear jogging helps.
- I think about
him all the time.
I have fantasies.
- (coughs) Forget the
jogging, go for the high hurdles.
(audience laughing)
- Maybe if I did it once,
to get it out of my system.
- Doesn't work that way.
- Yeah, I mean,
sex is like peanuts.
Once you start, you just can.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
I hate peanuts.
- I am so sick of this subject.
All right, let's just
be logical, okay?
- Okay.
- Brad's a terrific guy.
We care for each
other, I'm 18 years old,
I know enough
not to get pregnant.
Can you give me
one logical reason why
Brad and I should not go to bed?
I can't, Brad can't.
- Brad's not trying.
- Granted, but
that doesn't help.
Just give me one reason.
(audience laughing)
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
- Okay, I'm gonna
do it, get it over with.
- I got a reason,
I got a reason!
I don't want you to.
- [Barbara] Mom.
- You don't want you to.
- I don't know.
- Well, that alone
should tell you something.
Sweetheart, isn't it
possible that Brad will wait
until you do know?
- Maybe.
- Okay, you wanna
know what I really think?
- [Barbara] Yeah.
- Okay.
From my gut, I wanna say
to you, Barbara, don't do it.
But then I say, it's
idiotic to bring up a child
saying sex before
marriage is dirty,
and sex after
marriage is beautiful.
In my mother's day,
it was a lot easier.
Mothers then had a very
definitive point of view.
- I don't think I
wanna hear this.
- They said, you don't
have sex before marriage.
And if you have to afterwards,
consider it your wifely duty.
- I knew I didn't
wanna hear that.
- Honey, sex is terrific.
If it's for the right reasons,
and with the right person.
- How do you know if
they are the right reasons,
and the right person?
- Hey, when you stop
asking that question,
you're getting close.
- You guys are a big help.
- It's a toughie,
there's no easy answer.
Look, let's sleep on it, okay?
- Okay.
- Not that I'm
planning on sleeping.
- Mom?
- [Ann] Yeah?
- Did grandma know the
first time you made love?
- Well, she suspected.
I was on my honeymoon.
(audience laughing)
- Barbara, you gotta admit,
Mom is very understanding.
- I know, don't you hate it?
Most kids have these normal
parents they can rebel against.
(sighs)
Julie?
- Yeah?
- What's it like?
- It's lumpy.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- I'm talking about sex.
- [Julie] Oh!
- Why is everybody
so casual about it?
It's like it's not
even a big deal.
- Trust me, Barbara,
it's a big deal.
But you're just nervous.
Remember the first time
you went on the roller coaster?
- Yeah, I threw up.
- Okay, what about
the second time?
- I threw up again.
Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Whatcha doin'?
- Oh, just sorting
some old letters.
These I'm keeping,
these I'm throwing out,
these I'm not sure about.
- This, you're not sure about?
My darling, I long to
hold you in my arms.
Kiss you a thousand times,
feel like two hearts
pounding as one.
I didn't know Dad wrote
such passionate letters.
- He didn't.
(audience laughing)
- Mom?
- Yeah?
- I went to the
Free Clinic today.
- To see Julie?
- Not exactly.
I went to look
into contraception.
- Ah.
- I saw the gynecologist there.
- Well, I guess you
made up your mind.
- No, not exactly.
It's good for a couple of years.
- Well, now that
you're prepared,
I guess you have
less reason to wait.
- Better safe than sorry.
- You know, Barbara, there
is one way to be completely,
100% safe...
- Mom.
- Right, right, your decision.
- You know, you're really
being very mature about this.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you.
You do know I wanna scream.
- Yeah.
Well, I better get movin',
Brad's gonna pick me up.
- Where are you going?
- Mom.
- Right.
(audience laughing)
What are you doing?
- Well, I lost the,
the, you know.
- Barbara, maybe it's a sign.
- Could you just
help me look for it?
- Yeah.
- Barbara, you're lookin' more
like your mother every day.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Got your mail here.
- Schneider, Barbara
just lost something.
- [Barbara] Mom.
- Oh, well, what was it,
animal, vegetable, mineral?
- Good question.
- It's sort of a mineral
to keep the animal
from turning into a vegetable.
- Well, you just
tell me what it is,
and I'll help you find it.
- [Barbara] No, Schneider.
- Hey, I got the
eyes of an eagle.
- And the nose of a snoop.
- Ha, even a snoop gotta
know what he's lookin' for.
I'll give you a hand here.
- Schneider.
- My darling, I wanna
hold you in my arms.
(audience laughing)
Love, Armando.
- [Ann] Thank you, Schneider.
- What'd you do, have an
affair with a shoemaker?
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, we will find...
- Ma!
- We'll find...
- Is this the thing you're
lookin' for, right here?
- Thank you, Schneider!
- Look, she gets made
because I find it, and she can't.
Ha ha, you know, you
should keep your place
as neat as I keep my
toolbelt, hammer here,
wrench over here,
screwdriver back here.
(Schneider yelling)
Barbara, don't
do it, don't do it.
(audience applauding)
- Schneider,
what's the big deal?
- The big deal is, you're a
baby, you're a little baby.
- Did you wait until
you were married?
- Well, that's a whole
different ballgame, I'm a man!
You tell her, Ms. Romano, a
man is not supposed to wait.
- Oh, all right, if a woman
is supposed to wait,
and a man is not
supposed to wait,
who is the man not waiting with?
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- I don't know all the details!
That's just the way
it is in a democracy!
- Let me put it another way.
Schneider, the women
that you go out with.
Would you say they're nice?
- Yeah, they're
nice, they're nice.
They're grateful,
really, I mean.
(audience laughing)
Actually, they're quite
lucky when you get
right down to it.
- Schneider!
- All right, all right!
All right, I'm leavin',
I'm going, I'm leavin'.
Before I go, don't ever forget,
and please always remember,
a man is like a bow and arrow.
A woman is like a target.
Bow and arrow needs practice.
Target doesn't.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Why don't men ever worry
about losing their virginity?
- I guess because
they're too busy
worrying about not losing it.
- I don't think
Brad understands.
I want it to be special.
The right time, the right place.
- Hey, I'm with you,
hold out for the Taj Mahal.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Brad, where are we going?
- I've got very
special lined up.
- Taj Mahal?
- So, where are we going?
- I got a surprise for you.
I'm taking you out to dinner,
and then we're
going to my place.
- Your parents.
- Uh uh, my place, I got
an apartment this afternoon.
(audience applauding)
- Oh, Brad, I love what
you've done with it.
- It's not bad for
my first place.
- No, no, what I like is that
you can see the whole
apartment as soon as you come in.
- What do you think of the view?
- Very nice.
- The next best
thing to the real thing.
What's this?
- The next best
thing to the real thing.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Oh, I get it.
Tonight's ploy is,
keep him laughing.
- That's not fair.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Well, here we are.
- Yeah, it's just the two of us.
- Yeah, me, you,
that's two all right.
Guess who I ran into today?
- Who?
- Guess, let's
play 20 questions.
- How about if we just
play two questions?
- Okay, two.
- Your mother.
- No.
- My mother.
- Uh uh.
- Well, then it doesn't matter.
Can I get you something
to drink, Scotch, bourbon?
- Root beer?
- Root beer.
And would you like
to hear some music?
- Yeah, sure, where
do you wanna go?
- Why do I have the
feeling that you're stalling?
- Maybe because I am.
That's silly.
Okay, let's just do it.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Brad, you know why we're
here, and I know why we're here.
So let's just get
it over with, okay?
- You're making this
sound like major surgery.
- Well?
- Barbara, I love you.
I really love you.
And I wouldn't be
pressuring you if I wasn't sure
that it's right for both of us.
- I know.
And I do want to,
because you want to.
- Wait a minute.
I don't want you to want
to because I want you to.
I want you to want to
because you want to.
- You mean, you don't
want to if I don't want to?
- No, I wouldn't go that far.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Look, let's just
relax a bit, okay?
- Right.
- Barbara, this isn't
a swimming meet.
Besides, there are
better ways to loosen up.
- I feel wobbly.
I think I'm sick.
- You wanna lie down?
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Isn't this great?
- Oh boy, what an apartment!
Your own bed, does it
fold up just as easily?
- Well, sure, but it's a lot
more comfortable this way.
- Not for me!
Don't I get a last request,
a meal, or something?
- Barbara.
- Just kidding, I'll be brave.
Forget the blindfold.
- There is nothing
to worry about.
I love you, remember?
- But what if after,
you know, you stop loving me?
- Believe me, after we
you know,
I'll have even more
reason to love you.
- How do you know?
- Well, it'll add a whole new
dimension to our relationship.
We won't have to got to
the movies all the time.
- From what I hear, you
can still go to the movies.
You'll just be a
couple minutes late.
(audience laughing)
- Not us.
- Maybe all you really
care about is sex.
- If that were true, why
would I be going out with you?
I mean...
Well.
You have to admit,
I've been pretty patient.
- Brad, I just can't.
- Why?
We've got the perfect place.
Why can't we just
go on with things
the way we planned them?
- Maybe that's the
problem, we planned this.
It's not spontaneous.
- I've tried
spontaneous with you,
and you don't like that either.
You're running out of excuses.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
But I just don't
feel right about this.
Maybe I'm scared.
But for now, that's the
way I really feel about it.
And I think I really
should go with my feelings.
- What about my feelings?
- I don't blame
you for being upset,
really, I do understand.
- Oh, no, no you don't.
- Maybe.
Maybe you should
see other girls.
- Oh, maybe I will.
- You will?
- Barbara, you just told me
that you don't feel right
about sleeping with me.
- Right now!
- Yeah, well, right
now, I don't feel right
about not sleeping with you.
- Makes us even.
- Wrong.
It makes us through.
- What happened to,
I love you, Barbara?
- I do love you,
that's the problem.
I can't keep seeing
you, not like this.
Good bye, Barbara.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
This is my apartment!
You leave.
Please.
- Okay, Ma, how about
another bag of cookies?
- Thank you.
I love you girls,
but there are times
when it would have been
a hell of a lot
easier to have sons.
- Yeah, when the
subject of sex comes up,
all you do is point
'em towards the door,
and say, sic 'em.
(audience laughing)
- Julie, you are gonna
be a great comfort to me
in my old age.
Which could be any minute now.
- Everybody here decent?
- Yep, try 307.
- Romano, I gotta
talk to Barbara.
- Not here, she's out with Brad.
- That's exactly what I
gotta talk to her about.
We gotta find out what
kind of a guy is Brad.
- Nice, normal,
healthy American boy.
- And you let her
go out with him?
What kind of a mother are you?
- A worried one.
- Look, Ms. Romano, I
got a little money saved up.
This might be the
right time, you know,
for Barbara to pack
a couple of bags
and spend a couple of months
traveling around New Jersey.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Schneider, but
I don't think it's gonna help.
- I don't know,
sounds good to me.
- Barbara.
- She looks okay.
(audience laughing)
- That's good.
- Honey, what happened?
- Nothing.
- Well, that's better.
- I couldn't go through with it.
- Oh ho, that's the best!
- What is it, is there
something wrong with me?
- (laughing) Oh, no, my darling.
You just found out you can
make your own decisions.
That's great big discovery.
Obviously, in your case,
it was just right to wait.
- Your mother's right, kid.
- And you had a lot of
pressures, I am so proud of you.
I know it was a tough decision.
- Damn right it was.
But I made it,
that's the way I feel.
And that's the
way I want it to be.
- [Schneider] Atta girl.
- Hey, Barb,
look at it this way.
It's not forever.
You know, grab a
handful of vitamins,
have a good night's sleep
and tomorrow's another day.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
("One Day At a Time"
saxophone music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead,
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time, da, dada da
♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time, da, dada da
♪ One Day at a Time
- Brad, Brad, what are
you doing back there?
- I was looking for the hook.
- It's in the front, where
I can keep an eye on it.
Could you cool down a minute?
- Barbara, I'm 19, I'm
almost past my prime.
(audience laughing)
- You could have fooled me.
- We've been going
together for five months now.
When two people care about
each other they way we do,
they should express it.
- Well, what do
you want me to do?
Forget I said that.
- We've been playing
this game too long.
- It's not a game, Brad.
- Right, games are fun.
- Come on, that's
not fair, I mean,
this isn't easy for me, either.
I get frustrated.
- I can fix that.
- Brad.
I want to, but I don't want to.
I'm not sure, maybe
I'm just not ready.
- You know, I could
understand that if you were a kid.
But, you're 18 years old.
You're a freshman in college.
- So, statistics show that
42% of college freshman
are still virgins.
- Statistics, huh?
Well, at least you're
thinking about it.
- Constantly.
Brad, if it'll make
you feel any better,
you're the only person I would
even consider sleeping with.
- So, let's sleep.
- Brad!
(audience laughing)
Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm
just holding onto my childhood.
I know you'd be good to me.
- I will, I will!
- But I want it to
be very special.
- Absolutely, absolutely.
- Atmosphere is very important.
- Right, right.
- [Barbara] We can't
do anything here.
- Where, where?
- I've always dreamt of Hawaii.
(audience laughing)
- Damn, damn.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- [Brad] Hi.
- Hope we're not
interrupting anything.
- You sure aren't.
I gotta get going.
I'll give you a call tomorrow.
After I brush up
on my statistics.
- Brad, look, just give
me some time, okay?
- I'll talk it over
with my hormones.
- Well, what was that all about?
Brad sounded so serious.
- Oh, nothing, just sex.
(audience laughing)
- Sex?
- Yeah, you've heard
of it, the three-letter word
meaning frustration, anxiety,
and if I don't, so long, Brad.
- Look, if Brad is pressuring
you into doing something
you're not ready for,
I don't...
- It's not just Brad.
It's the world.
Everybody is having
sex, except me.
- Yeah, they oughta put
you in the Smithsonian,
right next to the
Spirit of St. Louis.
(audience laughing)
- Even the Spirit of
St. Louis made it once.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Now, Barbara, I am sure
that there are some virgins
left in this world.
- Yes, they're having
a convention next week
at the Biltmore.
(audience laughing)
In a phone booth.
- Look, even if
everybody were doing it,
that's not a good enough
reason to go along.
- No, but it's one
of the popular ones.
And then I do have
a few of my own.
- Barbara, listen,
we understand.
You're a woman with a woman's
feelings and her yearnings
and her passions.
- Don't overdo it, Julie.
- It's true!
Ma, after I see Brad, I
feel tense, I feel restless.
- I hear jogging helps.
- I think about
him all the time.
I have fantasies.
- (coughs) Forget the
jogging, go for the high hurdles.
(audience laughing)
- Maybe if I did it once,
to get it out of my system.
- Doesn't work that way.
- Yeah, I mean,
sex is like peanuts.
Once you start, you just can.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
I hate peanuts.
- I am so sick of this subject.
All right, let's just
be logical, okay?
- Okay.
- Brad's a terrific guy.
We care for each
other, I'm 18 years old,
I know enough
not to get pregnant.
Can you give me
one logical reason why
Brad and I should not go to bed?
I can't, Brad can't.
- Brad's not trying.
- Granted, but
that doesn't help.
Just give me one reason.
(audience laughing)
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
- Okay, I'm gonna
do it, get it over with.
- I got a reason,
I got a reason!
I don't want you to.
- [Barbara] Mom.
- You don't want you to.
- I don't know.
- Well, that alone
should tell you something.
Sweetheart, isn't it
possible that Brad will wait
until you do know?
- Maybe.
- Okay, you wanna
know what I really think?
- [Barbara] Yeah.
- Okay.
From my gut, I wanna say
to you, Barbara, don't do it.
But then I say, it's
idiotic to bring up a child
saying sex before
marriage is dirty,
and sex after
marriage is beautiful.
In my mother's day,
it was a lot easier.
Mothers then had a very
definitive point of view.
- I don't think I
wanna hear this.
- They said, you don't
have sex before marriage.
And if you have to afterwards,
consider it your wifely duty.
- I knew I didn't
wanna hear that.
- Honey, sex is terrific.
If it's for the right reasons,
and with the right person.
- How do you know if
they are the right reasons,
and the right person?
- Hey, when you stop
asking that question,
you're getting close.
- You guys are a big help.
- It's a toughie,
there's no easy answer.
Look, let's sleep on it, okay?
- Okay.
- Not that I'm
planning on sleeping.
- Mom?
- [Ann] Yeah?
- Did grandma know the
first time you made love?
- Well, she suspected.
I was on my honeymoon.
(audience laughing)
- Barbara, you gotta admit,
Mom is very understanding.
- I know, don't you hate it?
Most kids have these normal
parents they can rebel against.
(sighs)
Julie?
- Yeah?
- What's it like?
- It's lumpy.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- I'm talking about sex.
- [Julie] Oh!
- Why is everybody
so casual about it?
It's like it's not
even a big deal.
- Trust me, Barbara,
it's a big deal.
But you're just nervous.
Remember the first time
you went on the roller coaster?
- Yeah, I threw up.
- Okay, what about
the second time?
- I threw up again.
Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Whatcha doin'?
- Oh, just sorting
some old letters.
These I'm keeping,
these I'm throwing out,
these I'm not sure about.
- This, you're not sure about?
My darling, I long to
hold you in my arms.
Kiss you a thousand times,
feel like two hearts
pounding as one.
I didn't know Dad wrote
such passionate letters.
- He didn't.
(audience laughing)
- Mom?
- Yeah?
- I went to the
Free Clinic today.
- To see Julie?
- Not exactly.
I went to look
into contraception.
- Ah.
- I saw the gynecologist there.
- Well, I guess you
made up your mind.
- No, not exactly.
It's good for a couple of years.
- Well, now that
you're prepared,
I guess you have
less reason to wait.
- Better safe than sorry.
- You know, Barbara, there
is one way to be completely,
100% safe...
- Mom.
- Right, right, your decision.
- You know, you're really
being very mature about this.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you.
You do know I wanna scream.
- Yeah.
Well, I better get movin',
Brad's gonna pick me up.
- Where are you going?
- Mom.
- Right.
(audience laughing)
What are you doing?
- Well, I lost the,
the, you know.
- Barbara, maybe it's a sign.
- Could you just
help me look for it?
- Yeah.
- Barbara, you're lookin' more
like your mother every day.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Got your mail here.
- Schneider, Barbara
just lost something.
- [Barbara] Mom.
- Oh, well, what was it,
animal, vegetable, mineral?
- Good question.
- It's sort of a mineral
to keep the animal
from turning into a vegetable.
- Well, you just
tell me what it is,
and I'll help you find it.
- [Barbara] No, Schneider.
- Hey, I got the
eyes of an eagle.
- And the nose of a snoop.
- Ha, even a snoop gotta
know what he's lookin' for.
I'll give you a hand here.
- Schneider.
- My darling, I wanna
hold you in my arms.
(audience laughing)
Love, Armando.
- [Ann] Thank you, Schneider.
- What'd you do, have an
affair with a shoemaker?
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, we will find...
- Ma!
- We'll find...
- Is this the thing you're
lookin' for, right here?
- Thank you, Schneider!
- Look, she gets made
because I find it, and she can't.
Ha ha, you know, you
should keep your place
as neat as I keep my
toolbelt, hammer here,
wrench over here,
screwdriver back here.
(Schneider yelling)
Barbara, don't
do it, don't do it.
(audience applauding)
- Schneider,
what's the big deal?
- The big deal is, you're a
baby, you're a little baby.
- Did you wait until
you were married?
- Well, that's a whole
different ballgame, I'm a man!
You tell her, Ms. Romano, a
man is not supposed to wait.
- Oh, all right, if a woman
is supposed to wait,
and a man is not
supposed to wait,
who is the man not waiting with?
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- I don't know all the details!
That's just the way
it is in a democracy!
- Let me put it another way.
Schneider, the women
that you go out with.
Would you say they're nice?
- Yeah, they're
nice, they're nice.
They're grateful,
really, I mean.
(audience laughing)
Actually, they're quite
lucky when you get
right down to it.
- Schneider!
- All right, all right!
All right, I'm leavin',
I'm going, I'm leavin'.
Before I go, don't ever forget,
and please always remember,
a man is like a bow and arrow.
A woman is like a target.
Bow and arrow needs practice.
Target doesn't.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Why don't men ever worry
about losing their virginity?
- I guess because
they're too busy
worrying about not losing it.
- I don't think
Brad understands.
I want it to be special.
The right time, the right place.
- Hey, I'm with you,
hold out for the Taj Mahal.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Brad, where are we going?
- I've got very
special lined up.
- Taj Mahal?
- So, where are we going?
- I got a surprise for you.
I'm taking you out to dinner,
and then we're
going to my place.
- Your parents.
- Uh uh, my place, I got
an apartment this afternoon.
(audience applauding)
- Oh, Brad, I love what
you've done with it.
- It's not bad for
my first place.
- No, no, what I like is that
you can see the whole
apartment as soon as you come in.
- What do you think of the view?
- Very nice.
- The next best
thing to the real thing.
What's this?
- The next best
thing to the real thing.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Oh, I get it.
Tonight's ploy is,
keep him laughing.
- That's not fair.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Well, here we are.
- Yeah, it's just the two of us.
- Yeah, me, you,
that's two all right.
Guess who I ran into today?
- Who?
- Guess, let's
play 20 questions.
- How about if we just
play two questions?
- Okay, two.
- Your mother.
- No.
- My mother.
- Uh uh.
- Well, then it doesn't matter.
Can I get you something
to drink, Scotch, bourbon?
- Root beer?
- Root beer.
And would you like
to hear some music?
- Yeah, sure, where
do you wanna go?
- Why do I have the
feeling that you're stalling?
- Maybe because I am.
That's silly.
Okay, let's just do it.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Brad, you know why we're
here, and I know why we're here.
So let's just get
it over with, okay?
- You're making this
sound like major surgery.
- Well?
- Barbara, I love you.
I really love you.
And I wouldn't be
pressuring you if I wasn't sure
that it's right for both of us.
- I know.
And I do want to,
because you want to.
- Wait a minute.
I don't want you to want
to because I want you to.
I want you to want to
because you want to.
- You mean, you don't
want to if I don't want to?
- No, I wouldn't go that far.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Look, let's just
relax a bit, okay?
- Right.
- Barbara, this isn't
a swimming meet.
Besides, there are
better ways to loosen up.
- I feel wobbly.
I think I'm sick.
- You wanna lie down?
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Isn't this great?
- Oh boy, what an apartment!
Your own bed, does it
fold up just as easily?
- Well, sure, but it's a lot
more comfortable this way.
- Not for me!
Don't I get a last request,
a meal, or something?
- Barbara.
- Just kidding, I'll be brave.
Forget the blindfold.
- There is nothing
to worry about.
I love you, remember?
- But what if after,
you know, you stop loving me?
- Believe me, after we
you know,
I'll have even more
reason to love you.
- How do you know?
- Well, it'll add a whole new
dimension to our relationship.
We won't have to got to
the movies all the time.
- From what I hear, you
can still go to the movies.
You'll just be a
couple minutes late.
(audience laughing)
- Not us.
- Maybe all you really
care about is sex.
- If that were true, why
would I be going out with you?
I mean...
Well.
You have to admit,
I've been pretty patient.
- Brad, I just can't.
- Why?
We've got the perfect place.
Why can't we just
go on with things
the way we planned them?
- Maybe that's the
problem, we planned this.
It's not spontaneous.
- I've tried
spontaneous with you,
and you don't like that either.
You're running out of excuses.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
But I just don't
feel right about this.
Maybe I'm scared.
But for now, that's the
way I really feel about it.
And I think I really
should go with my feelings.
- What about my feelings?
- I don't blame
you for being upset,
really, I do understand.
- Oh, no, no you don't.
- Maybe.
Maybe you should
see other girls.
- Oh, maybe I will.
- You will?
- Barbara, you just told me
that you don't feel right
about sleeping with me.
- Right now!
- Yeah, well, right
now, I don't feel right
about not sleeping with you.
- Makes us even.
- Wrong.
It makes us through.
- What happened to,
I love you, Barbara?
- I do love you,
that's the problem.
I can't keep seeing
you, not like this.
Good bye, Barbara.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
This is my apartment!
You leave.
Please.
- Okay, Ma, how about
another bag of cookies?
- Thank you.
I love you girls,
but there are times
when it would have been
a hell of a lot
easier to have sons.
- Yeah, when the
subject of sex comes up,
all you do is point
'em towards the door,
and say, sic 'em.
(audience laughing)
- Julie, you are gonna
be a great comfort to me
in my old age.
Which could be any minute now.
- Everybody here decent?
- Yep, try 307.
- Romano, I gotta
talk to Barbara.
- Not here, she's out with Brad.
- That's exactly what I
gotta talk to her about.
We gotta find out what
kind of a guy is Brad.
- Nice, normal,
healthy American boy.
- And you let her
go out with him?
What kind of a mother are you?
- A worried one.
- Look, Ms. Romano, I
got a little money saved up.
This might be the
right time, you know,
for Barbara to pack
a couple of bags
and spend a couple of months
traveling around New Jersey.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Schneider, but
I don't think it's gonna help.
- I don't know,
sounds good to me.
- Barbara.
- She looks okay.
(audience laughing)
- That's good.
- Honey, what happened?
- Nothing.
- Well, that's better.
- I couldn't go through with it.
- Oh ho, that's the best!
- What is it, is there
something wrong with me?
- (laughing) Oh, no, my darling.
You just found out you can
make your own decisions.
That's great big discovery.
Obviously, in your case,
it was just right to wait.
- Your mother's right, kid.
- And you had a lot of
pressures, I am so proud of you.
I know it was a tough decision.
- Damn right it was.
But I made it,
that's the way I feel.
And that's the
way I want it to be.
- [Schneider] Atta girl.
- Hey, Barb,
look at it this way.
It's not forever.
You know, grab a
handful of vitamins,
have a good night's sleep
and tomorrow's another day.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
("One Day At a Time"
saxophone music)