One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 18 - Retrospective: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time



♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- More toast for anybody?

- No, I'm fine, Mom.
- Me too.

It's so nice having you home

even it's just for
a couple days.

We really missed you.

- I've missed you guys too.

- You know, every once
in awhile, I still wake up

and I expect to see
you and when I don't,

I get all choked up and I think,

"Gee, it's nice to
have all this privacy."

(laughs)



- Good morning ladies.

- [Ann] Hi Schneider.

- Hiya.

Julie, how are ya?

Gee, what a surprise.

- Schneider, hi.

- When did you get in?

- Last night, Max had to come
up for a few days of business

so I figured I'd come
along for the ride.

- That's terrific.

Gee, you're really
looking great.

- You too, just as
handsome as ever.

- Schneider, you
want any coffee?

- Yeah, I could use some coffee.

I'm really upset this
morning, really upset.

- Bo Derek hasn't
returned your calls?

- This is no joke little lady.

I got some bad news
that affects us all.

- [Barbara] What is it?

- I'm not talking your bad
news like the power going off

or the pipes freezing up
or the elevator getting stuck.

I'm talking about
your full grown class A,

put the wagons in
a circle bad news.

- What happened?

- I'm talking disaster,
I'm talking catastrophe.

I'm talking one of the worst
things that could happen...

- Schneider!

- Look at this, she's upset.

She doesn't even
know what it is.

All right, so here it is.

I found out the
building's gonna be sold

and new owners
are gonna go condo.

- Oh no.
- Condo?

Schneider, that's terrible.

Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm positive.

I got it from a very
lovely young lady

who happens to work for the
real estate office, Helen Gibs.

I met her recently
at an open house.

We took one look at each
other and we promptly closed it.

(laughs)

Well anyway, she's the one
who gave me the bad news.

- What does this mean, Mom?

- (sighs) It means
we got major troubles.

I certainly can't afford to
buy an apartment right now.

- We'll have to move?

- Unless you marry
well in the next month.

- Schneider, who's
buying the building?

- What are you kidding?

Who else?

Foreigners.

We may put our flags
out on the Fourth of July

but it's the Arabs
and the Japanese

who are singing
God Bless America.

- Well, this is really
a fine how do you do,

getting thrown out
of our own place.

- I tell you, Miss Romano,
I'm gonna have to go too.

Helen told me that
the new owners

are gonna be using a
maintenance service.

- Oh, Schneider.

- Well, that to worry.

Actually I've been itching
to get into my camper

and travel around rural America.

I got enough money to
last me the rest of my life.

Or six months,
whichever comes first.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, are you
sure your lady friend knows

what she's talking about?

- Miss Romano, there's two
reasons why we can trust Helen.

One, she's crazy about me.

And two, she's
a notary republic.

She would never do anything
to jeopardize her official seal.

Although, she did
let me take a peek

at it back at the closed house.

- I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm gonna hate
leaving this place.

It's been a terrific five years.

- Five years, wow.

It's been a lot longer
than that for me.

I'd just finished painting
my 17th hash mark

on the big boiler
in the basement.

- Julie and I did a lot
of our growing up here.

- Julie and I did a lot
of our fighting here.

- Mom, come on,
how can you say that?

I never caused any trouble.

Well, maybe a little.

Maybe a lot a little.

- Well, as I recall
the lot a little started

the day you discovered boys.

To be with one, you would kill.

- Mom!

- Like the time that
you wanted to go

on that boy girl
overnight camp out

and Mom would
not stand still for it.

- Now either I go on that
trip or I go back to Dad.

- You know you're not
giving me much choice.

I mean, you're really
crowding me, kid.

- I don't care, this
is important to me.

- Okay, you wanna
go back to your father?

- I do.

- Go.

- Mom, Julie!

- Here, here's your bus fare.

Have a nice trip.

- All right, if that's
how you feel, I'm going.

If that's how you feel.

Dad'll send for my clothes.

Well I'm going.

- You're a big girl.

- Goodbye Mom.

- Bye Julie.

- Julie, don't.

- Goodbye everybody.

- Barbara, Julie's back.

You are back, aren't you?

- Sure, I'm here.

I guess I'm back.

- Hey Julie.
- Hey runt.

- Stretch, how come
you came back?

- My Elton John albums!

How could I leave without
my Elton John albums?

I mean, you know,
Elton is every...

All right, Mom, I
wanted to come back.

If I'd went, I would have
missed you so much.

Even miss a dribbler on there.

- Thanks baby.

Okay, sit down.

Both of ya.

I wanna talk to ya.

When your father and I broke up,

I was scared, plenty scared,

but I didn't want
you kids knowing it

'cause you were
very rocky yourselves.

So I played it very big,

took back my maiden name.

Annie Romano, liberated
woman, master of her fate.

Well, the master had a disaster.

But I have learned a lot today.

From now on, we
level with each other.

I don't know everything.

I don't know, maybe
I don't know anything.

But I'm trying.

So, stick with me, huh?

We'll make it, I promise.

I love you.

And you.

- Mom, you wouldn't understand.

- Try me.

Believe me or not, Ripley,
I was 16 myself once.

And I talked to
my mother about it.

- Grandma talked about sex?

- Just one sentence, stay
pure until the honeymoon

and then pretend you like it.

(audience laughs)

- I just followed
my own instincts.

I mean, a woman
has to learn to stand up

for what she really wants
to do and I didn't wanna do it.

And if Chuck never calls
me again, then he loses.

- [Both] She didn't do it.

- Of course I didn't.

But you guys were no help.

I had to do it all myself.

I just said, "Cool
it, I am not ready."

- Very sensible.

- I agree.

- Right, I mean, who
knows when I'll be ready.

Maybe not for five years.

Maybe tomorrow.

(audience laughs)

We'll come home.

- Oh, thank God.

- But let's have a
real agreement, okay?

I mean, let's spell it out
'cause I'm not going back

to the way it was.

- I'm listening.

- All right.

I want to be treated like a
grown person, not a child.

I have to be allowed to
make my own decisions

and come and go as I like.

And I don't want your opinion
every time I turn around.

My relationship with Chuck
has to be what we want,

not what you want.

I'll see him when I like
and go on trips with him

or do anything else we wanna do.

Mom, this is it.

Either I run my life
or I don't come back.

- Okay Julie.

Don't come back.

(audience applauds)

- Paul.
- Huh?

- Aren't you gonna
kiss me goodnight?

- I don't think I'm
quite ready to do that.

Not quite yet.

- Well I am.

(audience applauds)

- Oh.

You were right, doctor.

You said Toledo would
be good experience for her.

- Miss Romano.
- It's all right, Paul.

- What are you going for?

A blue ribbon and
pick of the litter?

- Miss Romano, I think
we better have a little talk.

- Oh yes, I think we
better have a little talk.

You're damn right we
better have a little talk.

- Mom!

- Shut up, Julie.

If you have to
prove your manhood,

get somebody your own age.

- [Julie] Shut up!

- Oh, what's the
matter with you?

What's the matter
with you, doctor?

Ever try getting your
kicks with a woman?

- Shut up, Mom!

- How about taking me on?

Or is that too
frightening for you?

- You lonely, Mom?

You want him?

(Schneider laughs)

- Boy, oh boy.

You guys went the distance
more often than Rocky.

- No contest, Schneider.

Mom had a much
harder right hook.

- Well sweetheart,
now that you're married,

that's all behind us.

My darlin', I wish you
nothing but happiness.

Someday you'll have
children of your own

and one of them
may be a daughter.

If so, I hope she does to
you what you did to me.

- Well, if she's
anything like Julie,

she's gonna be
boy crazy for sure.

- Oh, look who's
talking about boy crazy,

Miss Heavy Breathe of 1976.

- Okay, okay, so I found out

that once you stop
kicking boys in the shins,

they can be kind of pleasant.

- (laughs) Well, they
certainly got your attention.

Let's see, there was Bob
and Hank and Cliff, Roger.

- There was John and
David and Frank and Michael.

- And there was Jim
and Ron and Eddie.

- Hey, hey, wait a
second, wait a second.

I don't ever remember going
out with anyone named Eddie.

- Yeah, but it's only
a question of time.

- Once you stopped
playing basketball,

things certainly
changed rapidly.

- Mom, it happened!

- Oh my God, what happened now?

- I made the team,
I made the team.

I really did, I'm the
only girl on the team.

- Oh, Barb, that is terrific.

- Isn't that fantastic, Julie?

- Just peachy.

(audience laughs)

- The only trouble is I'm the
smallest player on the team.

Oh, I wish I was taller.

- Oh, I wish I was dead.

- You'll grow, you'll grow.

Your father is tall.

You will be tall.

- Yeah, with my luck, the
only that'll grow is my bust.

I know what's gonna happen.

Our eyes will meet and
he'll hold out his arms.

And I'll just sort
of melt into them.

Then our lips will touch,

an electric shock
will go through me.

It'll be a long, beautiful kiss.

At least three full minutes.

(audience laughs)

Then I'll say, "I
love you, Hank."

and he'll say, "I
love you too, Barb."

- I haven't heard
anything that sickening

since Bert Parks
sang Miss America.

(audience applauds)

- I bored him out of his gourd.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I can't believe that.

- Believe it.

(audience laughs)

- What's the matter
with me anyway?

- Nothing.

Honey, you're a very nice girl.

- I don't wanna be a nice girl.

I wanna be like Julie.

(audience laughs)

Why did you really
go out with Wendy?

- Do I have to tell ya?

- Hey, I wish you would.

We're friends, aren't we?

- Well if you have to know,
the whole thing was for you.

- For me?

- You may not
believe this, Barbara,

but I haven't had
any experience.

And last night certainly
didn't change anything.

(audience laughs)

I'm scared all the time and
you're so popular and glamorous.

I wanted to sound like I knew
something about the world.

- And you figured I do?

- Well Barbara, you
know a lot of guys.

- Okay, so I know a lot of guys.

So I go out a lot.

Bob, who cares.

I'm just as scared as you are.

- You are?

- Yeah.

You know, this may sound crazy

but I think I'm gonna
wait till I get married.

- You mean that?

- Yeah.

(audience applauds)

- Well then I can wait too.

What a relief.

(audience laughs)

- Sally and me.

We met at a party last summer.

- You know Sally?

- I did.

Barbara, Michael
isn't just Sally's baby.

He's mine too.

- You're?

- The father, right.

Barbara, Barbara, wait.

Barbara, Barbara.

- Barbara?

- Yeah?

- You asleep?

- Nu-uh.

- Neither am I.

- You suppose this is
what marriage is like?

- If it is, the nights
are awful long.

(audience laughs)

This sure is different
than sleeping with my dog.

Barbara, do you trust me?

- Yeah.

- I knew it.

- Bob, we're close friends.

- I think that's the
trouble right now.

We're a little too close.

I can't sleep.

- Hey Bob.

How'd you like to
pretend we're married?

- What?

Oh Barbara.

- [Barbara] You
wouldn't want to?

- Well sure but...
- Okay, okay.

Let's pretend we're married.

- Okay.

- Please go to sleep, dear.

I've got a headache.

(audience laughs)

- Let's hear it
for my kid sister.

She learned all
the tricks real fast.

- I am woman.

- You know, there's one
memory I have about Barbara

that I'd really like to forget.

- What's that?

- The time I accidentally
broke your nose.

- Oh.

- Don't remind me.

- I can still feel the pain.

- Well, you can imagine
how I felt damaging that face.

I mean, the nose
is right in the middle.

There ain't nothing
to hide it behind.

Doctor, is Barbara's
nose, is it...

Broken?

- No, we took some x-rays.

The bone is not broken.

- Oh, thank God.

- Thanks God.

- However the
cartilage was off center.

(Schneider moans)

So, I just molded the
nose back in shape.

(moans)

- You molded...

You just...

Barbara, you are a pretty girl.

Odds are you will
always be a pretty girl

but even if you weren't,

you've got a lot of only
things going for you.

- I'm not so sure about that.

For instance, I've never
even gotten a traffic ticket.

- Excuse me?

- Well, I've been stopped
for speeding, only once.

Okay, twice.

But the policeman
never gave me a ticket

and it wasn't because I
had sparkling conversation.

- All right, Barbara, but
the point of the matter is...

- The guy at the cafeteria
always gives me free cookies

and it's not because
I'm a great whit.

- Yes, but I still believe...

- Let's face it, Mom.

I get away with
murder and I like it.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, did
your lady friend say

when they were going to
turn these into condominiums?

- Well, they're having
meetings even as we speak.

I told her to keep me apprised
of the latest developments.

- And you say she
can be trusted?

- Absolutely.

The woman would do nothing
to jeopardize our relationship.

She's about to have her
wildest dreams realized.

If you know what I mean.

You know what she called me?

- No, what?

- You don't wanna know.

- Yeah, sure, we do.

- It's intimate, it's
kind of intimate.

- Come on.

- Kissy Face.

- Aww.

- Well, can I help it if the
good Lord put me in the top 10?

- We could use some help
from the good Lord right now.

I can't believe that they
would actually force us out.

- It's happening
all over the country.

- You know something?

A few years ago,
I didn't even know

what the word condo meant.

I mean, I heard condo, I
thought it was that river in Africa

where Tarzan and Jane
use to wash their elephant.

- Well, at least we've had
some good years here.

- Amen to that.

- Oh, the one thing
that will always stand out

about this apartment is my
introduction to you, Schneider.

- Yeah well, that'd of
course would be the highlight.

It was inevitable

that you should become
aware of my presence.

- Yes, I became aware
the first week we moved in.

It was impossible not to.

- Miss Romano, I got a
little present here for you.

It's something that all
the ladies in the apartment

are fighting over.

It's a whisper silent
flush valve for your can.

- Schneider, you shouldn't have.

- You know how I feel about you.

Besides, in this here
apartment, with these walls,

you've got no privacy.

I mean, what you've
got now is... (roaring)

But when I get that
little baby installed,

what you're gonna
have is... (whispers)

Miss Romano, there's
something I've been meaning

to talk to you about,

and I've just been waiting for
the most consummate moment.

I mean after all,

you are a woman of
the divorced persuasion.

And I mean, I
uh, well here I am.

Use me.

- I'd like to recycle you.

- Go ahead, I'm just as
good the second time around.

- You really think you're hot
stuff, don't you Schneider?

- Well let me put it this way.

The ladies in this building
don't call me super for nothing.

- Ed, will you stop that?

It is none of your business.

We are divorced now.

If I want to have a man in
my apartment, I will have one.

- Baby, tell it like it is.

- Schneider, will
you give me a break?

Ed!

- I cut myself, have
you got a styptic pencil?

- No, I'm sorry, David.

- Just copping a quick
shave, you know what I mean?

- That's right Ed, that's
another man in my apartment.

When I entertain, I entertain!

- Miss Romano, I'm a
little bit disappointed in you.

Why settle for a tricycle,

when Kawasaki
makes a good time pro?

You know, it's a good thing

that you can talk
about it, Miss Romano.

It means that you've finally
got me out of your system.

- It wasn't easy.

- Tell me about it.

Been rough on both of us.

Even now, I have moments when...

- You don't appear to
have slowed down any.

- Yeah, if you didn't talk
about your lady friends

at least once a day, the
day wouldn't be complete.

- In pursuit of lamour
I've passed myself off

as a polo player, international
jewel thief, jet pilot,

and my favorite, one that
always works, governor of Utah.

All too often in this life,
I have been the object

over whom women have fought,

and believe me,
it's not a pretty sight.

The screaming, the
scratching, pulling out of hair.

Sad to say, but because
of me, today out there,

walking around there's
four or five bald women.

Happened to me,
once, in the Navy.

We'd put in at Tokyo.

I met her at a Japanese bath.

She took off her clothes,
I took off my clothes.

Her brother, the sumo
wrestler, took off his clothes.

I put on my clothes...

You know, Miss Romano,
of all the ladies I've dated,

and you'd need a
computer to count them all,

the one I really could've
gotten serious about

was your friend, Cynthia.

- Oh yeah, she
was a pretty lady.

- She was really crazy
about you, Schneider.

- Yeah, but not enough
to make it permanent.

And I still get depressed
whenever I think

of the time she
broke up with me.

- Dwayne, saying goodbye
to someone you care for

is never easy.

- Goodbye?

- You know you're the only
reason I stayed as long as I did.

But I have to leave now.

I was just on my way
over to say goodbye.

But thank you for showing
me such a terrific time.

Listen, I know we talked
about a lot of things.

But I told you how I am.

Hey listen, I want you to know

that even though we were
only together a short time,

those were real
shooting stars I saw.

- It's over.

It's over, so she's gone.

She used me, you know?

She used me as a sex object.

As a sex object!

I feel so cheap.

(telephone rings)

- Hello?

Oh yes, just a second.

It's for you, Kissy Face.

- Can you please?

That's Helen!

It's Helen.

Hi there, Baby, yeah.

What's the latest?

Oh, it's definite, huh?

Yeah, thanks, Honey.

Yeah, I'll be over tonight.

Well, why should I deny you
the pleasure of seeing me?

Helen, I'm not alone.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Women need to be reassured!

- Schneider, it's official
about the building?

- Yeah, they closed the deal.

They're definitely
going to go condo.

- What a rotten break.

- Boo.

- Well, I've gotta hand
it to you, Schneider.

You came in here and
turned a perfectly happy day,

into total misery.

- Well what are friends for?

- It's really going to be
strange leaving here, you know?

I know every inch
of this building.

Every faucet, every valve,
every elbow joint, doorknob,

light switch, every window.

And I just can't
stand the thought

of some other man touching them!

- Schneider, there will
be other doorknobs,

other windows, other valves.

- Yeah, but the first time is
the one you always treasure.

- I'm just worried about
finding another apartment.

The prices are ridiculous.

- Oh Mom, somehow we'll manage.

I can always get a better job.

- You're gonna have
to Sweetheart, I think.

I remember when
we first moved in here,

I didn't think I was going to
be able to handle the rent.

I had no job, I
had no experience.

- But you did it,
Mom, you did it.

- Oh, David, you wanted
to tell, I'm sorry, what is it?

- Well, it was really nothing,

it's just that I got you a job.

- A job!

- Great, a job!

- What as?

- As an assistant to
an Account Executive

in a public relations firm.

- Oh David!

Hey, that was pretty good.

You wanna try for
Chairman of the Board?

- David, a job.

You got me a real job!

- The interview is tomorrow.

- Tomorrow!

David, I'm scared.

What do I know about interviews?

The last interview I
had was with the priest

when I told him I was
going to marry a Baptist.

David, I am applying for this
job on the basis of what I am.

- [David] Which is?

- I am bright, inventive,
intuitive, I'm very organized.

I'm good with
ideas, with people.

What do I wear to the interview

that's going to make
me look businesslike?

- Don't wear a bra.

- I'm not going to
play that kind of game.

- You see, David, all I
ask here is a fair shake.

- Then be sure
not to wear a bra.

(clicking)

- Late last night, I went
over your qualifications again,

and I gave you high marks
in every department, but one.

- What's that?

- Sex.

You're the wrong one.

You're not a man.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- Let me put it another
way, you're a woman.

And a mother, need I say more?

- Yeah, yeah, Mr. Conners,
you'd better say more

because I don't know
what you're talking about.

I mean, I went home last night

and discussed this
with my daughters...

- Ah, it was bothering
you, wasn't it?

The thought that you
might be far from the nest

when they needed you.

If they got sick, if
they got in trouble.

What a worried, distraught,
fear-ridden woman you would be

in some lonely
hotel room far away.

- Mr Connors, I appreciate
your concern for me...

- I am concerned
about the account,

and a worried, distraught,
fear-ridden woman

can not give total
dedication to the job.

Besides, I don't
approve of women

who don't put
their children first.

(clicking)

- Mr Connors, just who
appointed you my conscience?

I mean, what makes you think
that a good mother is defined

by how much time she
spends with her kids?

My children happen
to be rooting for me.

You, Mr. Connors, are
still living in the Ice Age.

- I can do twosies, too.

- All right, all right, here.

You've arrived.

The key to the
executive Men's Room.

- Thank you.

- Now, Mr. Davenport, I
have doubled this account

in less than a year.

I've gotten major press releases

in every paper in the Midwest,

I've spent hours at home shows,

- Yeah, I know, but Charlie...

- I've given up weekends.

I've missed dinners
with my family.

- Yeah, but Charlie...
- This is my baby.

And Mr. Quincy is coming
into town to renew his contract,

and I am going
to close the deal.

- Wonderful, but Charlie...

- Charlie, Charlie,
what can Charlie do

for Mr. Quincy that I can't?

- Get him some girl
to go nighty night with.

- What?

- What word didn't
you understand?

- You know, Miss Romano,
I really gotta hand it to you.

- Why is that?

- Well, you've made
it in the business world

despite all the
odds against you.

- Here it comes.

- First off, you're a woman,
you've got limited education,

you got no known
God-given talent,

and the only job you ever
held was your marriage,

and we all know
that... (mutters)

I just want to say,
you're an inspiration

to everybody in this country

who thinks they've
got nothing to offer.

- I gotta tell you
something, Schneider,

you do have a way of
making a person feel good.

- Yeah, well, I
meant every word.

Cause single handed
you've supported this family

and you kept things going.

I just hope and pray
that someday soon

you'll meet a great
guy, you'll get married,

then you can stop working,

and become completely
dependent again.

Which is your birthright.

- No, I don't think I could
ever be that way again.

I like my independence.

You know, I really think I
can handle almost any crisis

that comes up.

- You've come a long way, baby.

I can remember when you couldn't

even handle your 36th birthday.

- Yeah, I've never seen
a person so unhappy

on the day she was
supposed to be celebrating.

So that's what
you're uptight about,

you're uptight about
being 36 today.

- I am not uptight
about being that number.

- Mom, it is 36, not 56.

Stop acting like
you're middle aged.

- Yeah, Julie's right.

Look, the average life
expectancy today is 72.

So to be middle aged,
you'd have to be, at least...

- Yeah, great, yeah.

36 is a time when
life really begins.

So forget your wrinkles,
and keep up your chins.

These are classics,
listen to this.

Your eyes are still lovely,
and so are their bags.

Your figure's still trim,
except your derriere sags.

Now for the big finish.

Some women your age
want birthdays outlawed.

But not you, Miss Romano,
you're a terrific old broad.

(knocking)

- [Julie] Mom,
are you all right?

- Fine, Julie, just fine.

Liar.

Julie, oh heavens.

Soon, I could be a grandmother.

They'll be on their own,
and I could be a nanny.

Nanny Annie.

And if I keep stuffing my face,

I could be Nanny Annie
with the great big fanny.

Oh well, they've grown up.

Why do I have
that sinking feeling

that they'd have
done just as well,

or as badly, with
me or without me?

Stop that!

They've always needed you.

They still need you.

No, honey, you need them.

Okay, Annie.

Okay, kid.

So you're middle
aged, who cares.

So you're going
through a crisis,

there's always going
to be some kind of crisis.

So what?

Feel good, you
got a terrific job.

You look better than you've
ever looked in your life.

You can cope with things
better than you've ever coped

with 'em before.

Okay, honey, move it.

Just...

Move it.

- I can appreciate how
you felt, Miss Romano.

I too have suffered
a midlife crisis.

- Yeah?

When?

- Day before yesterday.

I was watching television,
it suddenly hit me.

The Marx Brothers are all gone.

Three Stooges are gone.

The Little Rascals
are all past 50.

I tell ya, if Rac Calwelt shows
up in Geritol commercial,

I may kill myself.

(audience laughs)

- It's happening to me too.

I now think of Gary Coleman

has the grand ol'
man of show business.

- I have a saying I've
made up about age.

Fairytales may come true,

you can happen to you
if you're young at heart.

- Those are words
to a famous song.

- You mean somebody
stole my saying?

- Aw, but Schneider,
you have made up

a lot of other
wonderful sayings.

- Right.

We'll always be grateful

for the many pearls of
wisdom you've given us.

- Please always remember
and don't ever forget,

it is better not to
have been in love

than never to have loved at all.

(audience laughs)

So don't ever forget and
please always remember,

that great Arab saying, it
is the wise man who ducks

before the camel spits.

(audience laughs)

Please always remember
and don't ever forget,

the great lessons we learn
become ancient history.

Beware of Hungarians
bearing gifts.

- Schneider, you mean Greeks.

- Greeks, Hungarians,

any of those countries
where the men dance together.

You know what I mean?

Please always remember
and don't ever forget.

- What?

- I forgot.

You know, moving away from here

is sort of like
the end of an era.

It's like leaving
Walton's mountain.

The worst part of it is you're
gonna be going your way

and I'm gonna be going my way.

We may never see
each other again.

- Oh Schneider, sure we will.

- We'll always be
friends, you know that.

- To me you're a
lot more than friends.

You guys have been
the family I never had.

I've always felt like
a dad to you girls.

Oh, I know you have your own dad

which is the way it should be

because he's
very, very important.

- Yeah, the girls
has been lucky Ed

has stayed close to them.

- We're grateful for that.

- It was a little rocky
in the beginning.

I remember when he hit us

with the announcement he
was getting married again.

And my darlin', you
weren't too thrilled.

- He doesn't love Vicky and
he doesn't wanna get married.

- Oh Barbara, would you
cool it and stop crying?

You're almost 15 years old
and you're wetting the bed.

- He's only getting married
because he's lonely.

We never should have left him.

- Mom and Dad split,
what else could we do?

- But all three of us left him.

One of us should've stayed.

I'm gonna move in with Dad.

Then we won't be lonely and
he won't have to get married.

- You're gonna move in with Dad?

Just great.

- Can't you see?

Dad's crying out for help.

He's a lonely deserted
man and I'm the only one

in the world who cares.

You sure don't.

- Barbara, look, I
know how you feel

but I'm older and more mature.

I mean, I read Cosmopolitan.

(audience laughs)

You know what they say.

It's not that you're
losing a father,

it's that you're
getting a stepmother.

Or something like that.

- 16 and a half years
of neurotic wisdom.

Why do you keep
putting my clothes back?

- Well, for two reasons.

One, I don't want you to go.

And two, you've got
the wrong drawer.

You're packing my clothes.

(audience laughs)

- Goodbye Julie.

- Goodbye Daddy.

- Goodbye Barb,
please try to understand.

Honey, please.

Ann.

- Bye, bye.

- Oh, I hate him.

- Don't ever let me
hear you say that again.

- But he ruined everything.

- Barbara, I want you to
sit down and listen to me.

You too, Julie.

No matter what problems
your father and I may have had

or still have, he
is still your father

and he's a damn good one.

He's done everything
he can for you two

and that includes a little
crying, a lot of praying,

and a good spanking
when you needed it.

And if you turn
your back on him,

you will break his heart
and I will not stand for that.

- Is there anything
you haven't covered?

How about husband
and wife burial plots?

- Where did that come from?

- I don't know, I just bought
a plot for Vicky next to mine.

- Wait a minute, I had
the one next to yours.

- Vicky's on the other side.

(Ann groans)

- That is really tacky.

Ed, I am mad.

All of sudden you're
putting on these airs

of being a concerned parent.

Oh, sure.

Where are you when they're sick?

Where are you when
they're in trouble in school?

Where were you
when Julie ran away?

I'll tell you where you weren't.

Here!

- My turn?

- Be my guest.

- Okay.

I'm not around at
crisis time, granted.

But I'm also not around
when they come home

with an award from school

or when they're
gonna get dressed up,

all dressed up in
their first formal gowns.

Or when they wanna talk

about Mr. Wonderful
they just met today.

You get all that.

I get the leftovers.

And that decision,
my friend, was yours.

- Touche.

- Miss Romano, pardon
me if I'm getting, you know,

too personal but do you
ever have any regrets yourself

about not getting married again?

- Not really, I like my life.

Of course, I can't deny I've
met some plenty terrific men.

- Yeah, well Mom,
I want to you know

that if you had decided
to marry any of those men,

You got my full approval.

- Oh gee, thanks.

(laughs)

- It hasn't been easy
raising this young lady here.

Had to fight off all those
suitors who came a courtin'.

Too purdy for her
own good, I'd say.

- David, would you get
off this marriage kick?

It's silly.
- Why?

- I'm 34, you're 26.

- Wait a minute, I'm almost 27.

You're barely 34.

Besides I look at least 29,
you don't look a day over 30.

So really we're talking
about a difference

of a couple of months here.

(audience laughs)

- Oh!

- What's this obsession
you have with youth?

I mean, why must the woman
be younger than the man?

Where is that written?

You know what always happens.

The man dies first,
the woman is left alone.

With us, with any luck
at all, we'll die together.

Isn't that wonderful?

- Are these your daughters?

- Yeah.

- You must have
been a child bride?

- Ah, the great
American triple play.

High school to
married to pregnant.

At least I got 'em
in the right order.

- While all you folks
were doing that,

I was locked away practicing.

- How come you
never got married?

- Never enough time for it.

I joke a lot about
music but it takes longer

to become a good conductor
than it does to become a surgeon.

So you end up learning
to live through the music.

Mozart taught me to
laugh, Beethoven to cry.

- Most men wouldn't
admit to the crying part.

- Most men never get
to conduct Beethoven.

I've never made it
through the 9th Symphony

with dry eyes yet.

It's a miracle, bitten
by a man and gone deaf

about the joy of life.

It's a great way
to learn to cry.

Wish I'd known you then.

- When was that?

- When you were warming
up for your triple play

but then I wouldn't
have the pleasure

of meeting you now, would I?

Was your divorce bitter?

- Do I look bitter?

- No.

Sweet.

Very sweet.

- Tell me about Russia.

Augie, look.

I want you to understand
that I will understand

if you don't wanna
stay here for dinner.

- Are you kidding?

Of course I wanna stay.

- I really feel like a dope.

- Well now, how
do you think I feel?

An attractive woman
like you ask me out

and I don't even know it.

My hormones must be on vacation.

(audience laughs)

- Augie, look, I
don't want you to feel

that you have to
stay for my sake.

- And believe me, I'm flattered.

It just takes me a while
to get use to the role.

- Tell me.

- Of course, I want
one thing understood.

Just because you're
buying me dinner,

doesn't mean I'm a pushover.

- Oh, no, I'd never think that.

- On the other hand,

I don't exactly have
a will of iron either.

(audience laughs)

After dinner and a
few glasses of wine,

you might be able to
take advantage of me.

(Ann nervously laughs)

- When you think about
it, it's demoralizing.

A mother who has more
boyfriends than her daughters.

- Hey, listen, when
you got it, you got it.

- Tell me about it,
it's the bane of my life.

Anyway, we'll always
have wonderful memories

of this building.

We had happy times.

- And sad times.

- And nutty times.

- Yeah.

- I mean, when
you think about it,

we really did some...

- [All] Wild and crazy things.

(laughs)

- Did you forget to
press the reset button?

Yeah, there.

- Let's see if it works.

- Don't!

(audience laughs)

- What are you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?

My chest has got a cold.

- She's trying to look like
Trish the Dish, I don't know.

- Stop that.

You have a great body.

- Yeah, next to Trish, I
look like a Q-tip with eyes.

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

♪ I couldn't if I tried

♪ Oh honey if I get restless

♪ Baby you're not that kind

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

♪ On the good ship lollipop

♪ It's a sweet trip
to the candy shop

♪ Where bon-bons play

♪ On the sunny
beach of Peppermint Bay

(piano music)

- It wasn't too long ago

since you were the
new girl in school.

I really think
there should be...

(audience laughs)

Schneider, where are your pants?

- I don't have 'em on.

Oh, my pants!

(telephone rings)

- Hello?

Oh, yes, just a second.

It's for you again, Kissy Face.

- Would you stop that?

Hello.

Hello, yeah.

What?

Oh, she's got some more
information about the building.

What, are you kidding?

Well how did that happen?

Sure, I'm mad.

I hear something like that
it's make my blood boil.

Yeah.

All right, goodbye.

- Okay, what's the bad news now?

- Well, I don't think I'll
be dating Helen anymore.

- About the apartment.

- Actually she's
kind of a ding-a-ling.

- Schneider.

- She's nearsighted too.

- Schneider!

- All right, she got me
mixed up with some other guy

who's got a mustache
and a tattoo too.

It's his building that's
being sold, not this one.

- Oh Schneider!

(gleeful screams)

- You just can't trust women.

That's the whole thing,
you can't trust 'em.

I'm through, that's it, finito.

I'm giving 'em up, never again.

- Oh Schneider, come on.

Look at it this way, you
still got your first love.

You got your doorknobs,
your window jams.

- Your toilet bowls.

- Your sinks.

- On second thought, maybe
I'll give up brussel sprouts.

(audience applauds)

(cheerful music)