One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 20 - Girl with a Past - full transcript
Bob shows up and has to explain to Barbara all about his girlfriend's past.
♪ This is it, this
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Let's just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, na na na na
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, na na na na
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- [Barbara] - Hi.
- Hi, darling.
Oh, honey, don't
dump that junk in here.
- It's important.
- Okay, don't dump that
important junk in here.
(laughter)
Company's coming.
- Who?
- Bob Morton, he's home from
college, and he's stopping by.
- Bob, oh that's great.
But Bob's not
company, Bob's Bob.
- Whoever he is, he
better use the bathroom
after all the time I
spent cleaning it.
- Mom, how is Bob?
- He sounded terrific.
He said he's
bringing a surprise.
- Uh-oh, last time he
brought me a surprise
it was a seven-foot
Pink Panther.
It's big yellow eyes
kept following me
all around the room.
(laughter)
- The first two
weeks she had it,
she undressed in the closet.
(laughter)
- I've really missed Bob.
He's such a good friend.
You know, he's the only guy
who would even look at
me when I had pink eye.
- Oh, I remember that.
Your eye was all
red and swollen.
Yuck, even I
couldn't look at you.
It was was so disgusting.
- Okay, Mom.
- And then when it
jumped to the other eye.
- Okay, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Okay.
(laughter)
- Remember the time that Bob
drove you up to Makeout Point?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, me,
his dog and his tuba.
(laughter)
The dog got the petting, and
the tuba got the puckering.
(laughter)
- It's the thought that counts.
- Yeah, oh, I can't
wait to see him.
- Yeah, he really
thinks you're special.
- Oh now.
- Boy have you got him fooled.
(laughter)
- He showers you with attention.
He adores you, he worships you.
- Oh, he doesn't worship me.
Adore maybe.
(laughter)
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Oh, Bob, oh, it's
good seeing you.
- Bob, Hi.
- Hi, Bob.
- Gosh, I tell you, Bob, I
think you've gotten taller.
- Na, I just don't slouch
so much anymore.
(laughter)
- Good.
- Or maybe you're
settling as you get older.
(laughter)
Julie, I thought you got
married and moved to Houston.
- I did, but as soon as
we got settled back there,
Max's company put
him in a training program.
Guess where?
Right here, so we'll be
around for a couple weeks.
- Boy, things seem
to always screw up
around you, don't they?
(laughter)
- So, Bob, you
mentioned a surprise.
- Right, wait right here.
- Okay.
- Maybe it's another
Pink Panther for the closet
and you have to
undress in the drawer.
(laughter)
- Surprise.
- You don't have one of those.
(laughter)
- Everybody, this
is Claudia Faraday.
Claudia, this is my
good friend Ms. Romano.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is her daughter Julie.
- Julie, hi.
- And this is Barbara.
- Barbara, hi.
- She's the one I
used to worship.
(laughter)
- He's told me so
much about you.
- Yeah, well, nothing
terrible, I hope.
- No, the pink
eye was the worst.
(laughter)
- Come on in, make yourself
at home, I'll take your coats.
- Listen, I gotta get going.
I'm supposed to meet Max
downtown, 10 minutes ago.
- Oh, got everything?
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye, everybody.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Well, uh, can I get
you guys anything?
Coffee, tea.
- Claudia, haven't
we met before?
- Oh, I'm sure we haven't.
Yes, I'll have some tea, please.
- [Ann] Terrific.
- I'll have a beer.
(laughter)
- Beer?
- I'm not the same
guy, Ms. Romano.
I mean, at school I've got my
own beer stein, Class of '83.
(laughter)
- I'll get it, Mom.
- [Ann] Oh, terrific, thank you.
- Something about you
seems really familiar.
- Claudia went to Marshall
High right here in Indianapolis.
- Yes, but Bob and I
didn't meet til college.
But you know, the minute
I saw him, I thought, ah,
there's my knight
in shining armor.
- Aw, Claudia, it was just
the sun reflecting off my tuba.
(laughter)
- [Claudia] Will you stop
making fun of your tuba?
I love it.
- Mom!
- What is it?
- Could you come in here
and help me boil the water?
- Excuse me.
- Julie's the real
cook in the family.
(laughter)
- What's the matter?
- Mom, that's Claudia Faraday.
- Yeah, I know.
- No, the Claudia Faraday.
- Is there more than one?
- She was famous,
infamous, notorious.
Mom, the football
team's favorite cheer
was All the Way, Faraday.
(laughter)
Her class voted her
the girl most likely to.
(laughter)
- You mean most likely to?
- Anything, with anybody.
- Anything?
- Pardon?
- Hah.
(laughter)
Anything with your tea?
- Oh, just sugar.
- Sugar, you got it, sugar,
here it is, right here, sugar.
Are you sure?
- Her name was
spray-painted on almost
every overpass in Indianapolis.
(laughter)
They say that
when she graduated,
they retired her phone number.
(laughter)
- How do you think that
Bob got mixed up with her?
- I don't know.
Maybe he doesn't know.
Oh, Mom, what are we gonna do?
- Well, first thing
we're gonna do is,
you gotta close your mouth.
(laughter)
Tea, here's your
tea, right here, ready.
Here you are, Claudia.
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh, you're welcome,
so you two met at college?
- Yeah, behind the
football stadium.
(laughter)
Yeah, I was at a band practice.
Claudia's a pushover
for a good oompah.
(laughter)
(laughter)
- Now hear this, now hear this.
Line forms on the right.
- What?
- Tomorrow morning, 10 o'clock,
Miss Brandywine's
annual rummage sale.
You guys can pick
up anything you want,
but I got dibs on the statue
with the belly button clock.
(laughter)
- Hi, Mr. Schneider.
- Hey hey, look at this.
If it isn't Joe College.
- No, it's Bob Morton.
(laughter)
And this adorable
creature is Claudia Faraday.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- I'll pour it for you, honey.
- Faraday, Faraday.
I had a lodge brother
named Faraday.
He had a heart attack last year
driving through an underpass.
(laughter)
- Well, so, tell me,
what are you two
planning on doing tonight?
- Well, Bob's taking me
to a French restaurant.
I love to hear him
order in French.
(laughing)
- So you're
parlez-vousing, eh, kid?
(laughter)
College kinda
turned you right into
an old muchacho della mundo.
That's Spanish.
(laughter)
- It's not college,
it's Claudia.
You know, I can't tell you
what she's done for me.
Of course, knowing Claudia,
she'd probably do
the same for anybody.
(laughter)
Actually, Claudia's
a lot like you, Barb.
You know, it's amazing
how I always go
for the same kind of girl.
(laughter)
- Well, that's because
you're so nice.
- Before I met you,
I was nice and dull.
- Bob, I told you, I don't
care about what you were.
(laughter)
- You know, Claudia
follows a really neat
philosophy about life.
The present is
meant to be lived,
the future to be dreamed,
and the past to be buried.
- Woody Hayes?
(laughter)
- Nothing like a
good buried past.
- I really love your apartment.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh yeah, this is one of
the best apartments around.
This whole building is terrific.
I mean, you got here, you
got your central heating.
You got your
peekaboo safety door,
genuine Latin plaster, you
got two by 12 floor joists.
- Barbara, how
about a quick tour?
- Oh, well, Schneider's
hit all the high spots.
- She's right, listen, if
you've seen one bedroom,
you've seen them all.
(laughter)
- Indulge me.
- Oh, I know what
you're up to, girl talk.
- Yeah, I guess what
we girls will do, talk.
This way, Claudia,
through there.
- She's pretty, Bob.
- Thanks.
- You know, Bob, I know
how much you admire me.
(laughter)
How you look up to me,
respect my knowledge of women.
So I really gotta
tell you something.
You better hang on to that one,
because you just
don't find a girl like that
walking the streets.
(laughter)
- Thank you, Schneider.
- Hey, what are we talking
about, you know what I mean?
Women, I've known women
from Tampico to Tokyo,
from Paris to Peoria.
From Natchez to Mobile.
♪ From Memphis to St. Joe
♪ Wherever the
Schneider goes (laughter)
- And this is my bedroom.
- Barbara, are you
gonna tell Bob?
- He knows this is my bedroom.
(laughter)
- Barbara, I know you know.
- I know you know I know.
But does he know?
- You know he doesn't know.
(laughter)
- I know he doesn't know.
But does he know that you
know that I know he doesn't know?
(laughter)
- Look, Barbara, I've
made a few mistakes.
All right, a lot of mistakes.
But that was in the past.
And Bob and I both agree
that the past should be buried.
- Well of course, he does.
The only skeleton in his closet
is that he's never
made Eagle Scout.
I'll bet you have.
(laughter)
Okay, look, I'm sorry, I
have no right to say that.
- That's right, you don't.
- But, don't you think you
should be honest with Bob?
- It's not that easy.
You know, nobody's ever
treated me the way Bob does.
Do you know, that,
when we go to a drive-in,
we watch the movie?
He's the best thing that
ever happened to me.
- Then how can you lie to him?
I think he deserves
better than that.
- I think it's none
of your business.
- Yes, it is my business, I
happen to care about Bob.
- Well so do I, and he
happens to care about me.
Look, we've got a great
thing going, you know.
He's sweet and considerate.
And he loves me.
So, Barbara, butt out.
- You girls comparing
notes on me?
(laughter)
- Bob, you know I
never kiss and tell.
- We gotta get
going, Ms. Romano.
- I'm sorry, will we see you
before you go back to school?
- Oh sure.
- Well, we'll try, but
you know we have
so many people to see.
- Yeah, Claudia's so friendly,
everybody in town
seems to know her.
(laughter)
- Well, thank you, it
was nice meeting you.
- [Ann] You bet.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Barbara, what happened in there?
- He doesn't know.
(door knocking)
- Quick, before
the elevator comes,
what do you think of her?
Isn't she wonderful?
I mean, she's just like you.
She's wonderful, and
she makes me feel so, so.
- Wonderful?
- Yeah, how'd you know?
- Eh, lucky guess.
- Well what do you think of her?
- I think she's wonderful.
- Oh, I'm glad you like her,
because if you like
her, she must be okay.
Look.
I'm giving this ring
to Claudia tomorrow
right after Sunday dinner.
(gasping)
- [Claudia] Bob,
the elevator's here.
- Oh, I gotta go.
Barb, it's gonna be wonderful.
You can be my best man.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Do you think
Barbara's gonna tell Bob?
- I don't know.
- Has she made up her mind?
- I don't know.
- Do you think she
should tell him?
- I don't know.
- That's what I like
about you, Shorty,
you're not a know-it-all.
(laughter)
- Max, I think that this
is Barbara's decision
and we should stay out of it.
- You're right, we
shouldn't interfere.
- Absolutely.
- I've decided to tell Bob.
- Wait a second, you gotta
think this thing through.
- Hey, you guys, you guys, wait.
I called Bob, he's
on his way over.
I think he has a right to
know about Claudia's past.
- Don't you think Claudia
should be the one to tell him?
- When?
When her friends get together
and decide to have a
bridal orgy for them?
(laughter)
- She'll tell him when
she feels more secure.
- Aw, actually, I'm sorry
I even know about this.
But I do.
Julie, suppose before
you two were married
I knew that Max
was a hopeful drunk.
Shouldn't I have told you?
- Sex maniacs don't drink.
(laughter)
- I'll drink to that.
(laughter)
You know, I think
that there's a Claudia
in every high school.
- I gotta tell you something.
I feel a little sorry
for girls like Claudia.
I think she's probably lonely.
- Yeah, lotsa
dates but no friends.
- I guess it is kinda sad,
always looking for love.
- What are you kidding me?
Looking for it, all they
gotta do is run outside
when the horns honk.
(laughter)
- Max, don't be crude.
- Come on, Julie, I
knew a girl like that once.
(laughter)
Come on, Julie, a friend of
mine knew a girl like that once.
(laughter)
And every night, the
guys would drive past
her house honking their horns.
- And you never did?
- Once.
(laughter)
- And she came running out?
- No, her father did, he put a
hammer through my windshield.
(laughter)
- Come on, you guys.
Mom, you know how
vulnerable Bob is.
Wouldn't you tell him?
- Well, sweetheart, I
understand your concern.
She's not being honest with him.
On the other hand,
she does have a right
to live down her past.
Right, Julie?
- Sure she does.
- What does she
mean right, Julie?
- Well, she meant, what
do you mean right, Julie?
- Look, we're talking about
Claudia's past, not Julie's.
- 82, 83, 84, 85, open the door.
86, 87, 88, 89,
90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95,
96, 97, 98, 99.
- Schneider, there's no ball.
- What do you expect, it
was only a rummage sale.
(laughter)
100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 105.
(applause)
whap.
(laughter)
109, break that.
- [Max] Schneider,
we're in the middle
of a family discussion.
- Ooh, terrific, good.
(laughter)
- Okay, now what if Claudia
can't live down her past?
- What if Bob finds out and
has a nervous breakdown?
- What if his best
friend can't tell the truth?
- What if Brett finds
out the baby isn't his?
(laughter)
- What, what?
- As the World Turns.
(laughter)
See today, Louise
got sick at work
and came to on
Mr. Jordan's couch.
- Schneider, Schneider.
(laughter)
- We're talking about
Claudia Faraday.
- Do you know how many
guys might come up to them
with a hey, I remember
you, all the way Faraday?
- All the way Faraday,
that sweet little girl?
- Finding out that
way would kill Bob.
- So, you are gonna tell me?
- I don't know.
That would kill him too,
but what are friends for?
(laughter)
- Okay, okay, I know
you want my advice.
(laughter)
So here it is.
That girl's past is
nobody's business, butt out.
- Bob wants to marry her.
- Butt in.
(laughter)
- Oh, Schneider,
that is just great.
A man can have a
past, but a woman can't?
- I didn't say that.
- No you did say that.
(everybody talking)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, who
cares what Schneider says?
(laughter)
Oh, Schneider, I'm sorry,
you know I didn't mean that.
Look, I don't care
about Claudia,
but I care very much about Bob.
He loves her, and I don't
want him getting hurt.
- Well, at least he
thinks he loves her.
- Well, but you don't
marry the first poodle
that makes you wag your tail.
(laughter)
- Schneider's right,
Claudia wags Bob's tail.
She's got his motor running,
and he thinks it's love.
- Is that bad?
- Not in my book,
but I ain't Bob.
(laughter)
- If the guy had
more experience,
he would know that any woman
can start your motor running.
(laughter)
(laughter)
(applause)
Except a one-woman man like me.
(laughter)
- Let me give you
some of the facts of life.
No matter what you
tell Bob about this chick,
he ain't gonna believe you.
- But he's giving
her the ring tonight.
I've gotta find some
way to make him wait.
- Well, one way
to cool a man's fire
is to start another fire.
Let him know there's more
than one fish in the forest.
(laughter)
- You mean come on to him?
I couldn't do that.
- Well I don't mean you.
You wouldn't have a chance.
(laughter)
What I mean is,
see, you're too sweet.
You're too pure.
You can't start a fire
with the driven snow.
(laughter)
- Oh, it's Bob, it's Bob.
- [Julie] What are you gonna do?
- Uh, uh, uh.
I'm gonna tell
him about Claudia.
I can't tell him,
Mom, you tell him.
- Oh no no no, I can't.
(doorbell ringing)
- Uh, excuse
me, if you're lucky,
he might get picked up
for loitering in the hall.
(laughter)
- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, hi, Bob.
- Hey, Bob, how are you?
- [Schneider]
I'll see you later.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Boy, whatever it is
you called me over for
must be a real doozy.
- Doozy, ha, that's
good, where'd you get it?
- From my grandfather.
Sort of a cross between
the cat's pajamas
and a small humdinger.
(laughter)
Well what did you
call me over for?
- Well.
Bob, I wanna talk to you
about you and Claudia.
- Yeah, isn't she
something else?
- Oh yeah, something else.
Oh, Bob, you really
mean a lot to me.
You're a very special
and sweet person.
And I just don't want you
jumping into this engagement
without knowing
everything you should know.
- Well, I already spoke
to my family doctor.
(laughter)
You know, he's so old-fashioned,
sometimes I think even Claudia
knows more than he does.
(laughter)
- Bob, um, marriage is a
very big step, you know.
And, um, you haven't
dated all that many girls,
and I'm just afraid
that you may be falling
for your first poodle,
uh, girl that turns you on.
- She's a real gem.
- Bob, there's an awful lotta
gems out there, you know.
And you're not the same
guy you were in high school.
When we met, you were a boy.
Now you're a man, a very
mature, attractive man.
- I am?
- Yes.
That's the first I noticed
when you walked in.
- So you really can tell?
I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
- You're very special to me.
Don't worry.
If you ever need
me, I'll be here.
- Yeah, I know.
I, really have to say
something right now,
and it's not really...
(doorbell ringing)
(door knocking)
- [Claudia] Bob.
- Oh, it's Claudia.
Can I let her in,
we're almost engaged.
- [Barbara] Bob.
- Your mother told
me you were here.
Have I missed anything?
- No, we were just
talking about the past.
- Whose?
- Ours.
- Bob, we're due at your folks.
- Bob, we have so many
wonderful memories.
- So do we.
Remember our hayride, Bob?
- Yeah, it was my third kiss.
(laughter)
- Well, we do have
to run, come on.
- Bob, Bob, do you
remember our hayride?
- Yeah, the worst
allergy attack I ever had.
(laughter)
- I'll get your jacket.
- I sneezed and
fell off the wagon,
and I sprained my ankle and
I had to go to the bathroom.
- Bob, I really
have to talk to you.
- Later, we have to get going.
- What's the hurry?
- He's due at his folks.
- They can wait.
- Boy, I haven't
been this popular
since I delivered the
horse meat to the dog show.
(laughter)
- Okay, this is ridiculous,
we're playing games.
- [Claudia] Bob, let's go.
- Right or wrong, Bob, I
really have to talk to you.
- Honey, let's go.
- Bob, please,
just listen to me.
- Listen, Barb, we gotta go.
Dad's barbecuing, and if
we don't get there on time,
we'll get burnt spare ribs
and a lecture on punctuality.
Gotta go, see you later.
- Bye.
(door knocking)
- Forgot my jacket.
Be with you in a minute, hon.
- Barb, I know about Claudia.
And when she's
ready, she'll tell me.
I just wanted to thank
you for being friend enough
to try and tell me.
And having compassion
enough not to be able to.
Thank you.
You're the best, Barb.
(door closing)
- So are you, Bob, so are you.
(applause)
("One Day at a Time"
instrumental theme song)
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Let's just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, na na na na
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, na na na na
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- [Barbara] - Hi.
- Hi, darling.
Oh, honey, don't
dump that junk in here.
- It's important.
- Okay, don't dump that
important junk in here.
(laughter)
Company's coming.
- Who?
- Bob Morton, he's home from
college, and he's stopping by.
- Bob, oh that's great.
But Bob's not
company, Bob's Bob.
- Whoever he is, he
better use the bathroom
after all the time I
spent cleaning it.
- Mom, how is Bob?
- He sounded terrific.
He said he's
bringing a surprise.
- Uh-oh, last time he
brought me a surprise
it was a seven-foot
Pink Panther.
It's big yellow eyes
kept following me
all around the room.
(laughter)
- The first two
weeks she had it,
she undressed in the closet.
(laughter)
- I've really missed Bob.
He's such a good friend.
You know, he's the only guy
who would even look at
me when I had pink eye.
- Oh, I remember that.
Your eye was all
red and swollen.
Yuck, even I
couldn't look at you.
It was was so disgusting.
- Okay, Mom.
- And then when it
jumped to the other eye.
- Okay, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Okay.
(laughter)
- Remember the time that Bob
drove you up to Makeout Point?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, me,
his dog and his tuba.
(laughter)
The dog got the petting, and
the tuba got the puckering.
(laughter)
- It's the thought that counts.
- Yeah, oh, I can't
wait to see him.
- Yeah, he really
thinks you're special.
- Oh now.
- Boy have you got him fooled.
(laughter)
- He showers you with attention.
He adores you, he worships you.
- Oh, he doesn't worship me.
Adore maybe.
(laughter)
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Oh, Bob, oh, it's
good seeing you.
- Bob, Hi.
- Hi, Bob.
- Gosh, I tell you, Bob, I
think you've gotten taller.
- Na, I just don't slouch
so much anymore.
(laughter)
- Good.
- Or maybe you're
settling as you get older.
(laughter)
Julie, I thought you got
married and moved to Houston.
- I did, but as soon as
we got settled back there,
Max's company put
him in a training program.
Guess where?
Right here, so we'll be
around for a couple weeks.
- Boy, things seem
to always screw up
around you, don't they?
(laughter)
- So, Bob, you
mentioned a surprise.
- Right, wait right here.
- Okay.
- Maybe it's another
Pink Panther for the closet
and you have to
undress in the drawer.
(laughter)
- Surprise.
- You don't have one of those.
(laughter)
- Everybody, this
is Claudia Faraday.
Claudia, this is my
good friend Ms. Romano.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is her daughter Julie.
- Julie, hi.
- And this is Barbara.
- Barbara, hi.
- She's the one I
used to worship.
(laughter)
- He's told me so
much about you.
- Yeah, well, nothing
terrible, I hope.
- No, the pink
eye was the worst.
(laughter)
- Come on in, make yourself
at home, I'll take your coats.
- Listen, I gotta get going.
I'm supposed to meet Max
downtown, 10 minutes ago.
- Oh, got everything?
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye, everybody.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Well, uh, can I get
you guys anything?
Coffee, tea.
- Claudia, haven't
we met before?
- Oh, I'm sure we haven't.
Yes, I'll have some tea, please.
- [Ann] Terrific.
- I'll have a beer.
(laughter)
- Beer?
- I'm not the same
guy, Ms. Romano.
I mean, at school I've got my
own beer stein, Class of '83.
(laughter)
- I'll get it, Mom.
- [Ann] Oh, terrific, thank you.
- Something about you
seems really familiar.
- Claudia went to Marshall
High right here in Indianapolis.
- Yes, but Bob and I
didn't meet til college.
But you know, the minute
I saw him, I thought, ah,
there's my knight
in shining armor.
- Aw, Claudia, it was just
the sun reflecting off my tuba.
(laughter)
- [Claudia] Will you stop
making fun of your tuba?
I love it.
- Mom!
- What is it?
- Could you come in here
and help me boil the water?
- Excuse me.
- Julie's the real
cook in the family.
(laughter)
- What's the matter?
- Mom, that's Claudia Faraday.
- Yeah, I know.
- No, the Claudia Faraday.
- Is there more than one?
- She was famous,
infamous, notorious.
Mom, the football
team's favorite cheer
was All the Way, Faraday.
(laughter)
Her class voted her
the girl most likely to.
(laughter)
- You mean most likely to?
- Anything, with anybody.
- Anything?
- Pardon?
- Hah.
(laughter)
Anything with your tea?
- Oh, just sugar.
- Sugar, you got it, sugar,
here it is, right here, sugar.
Are you sure?
- Her name was
spray-painted on almost
every overpass in Indianapolis.
(laughter)
They say that
when she graduated,
they retired her phone number.
(laughter)
- How do you think that
Bob got mixed up with her?
- I don't know.
Maybe he doesn't know.
Oh, Mom, what are we gonna do?
- Well, first thing
we're gonna do is,
you gotta close your mouth.
(laughter)
Tea, here's your
tea, right here, ready.
Here you are, Claudia.
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh, you're welcome,
so you two met at college?
- Yeah, behind the
football stadium.
(laughter)
Yeah, I was at a band practice.
Claudia's a pushover
for a good oompah.
(laughter)
(laughter)
- Now hear this, now hear this.
Line forms on the right.
- What?
- Tomorrow morning, 10 o'clock,
Miss Brandywine's
annual rummage sale.
You guys can pick
up anything you want,
but I got dibs on the statue
with the belly button clock.
(laughter)
- Hi, Mr. Schneider.
- Hey hey, look at this.
If it isn't Joe College.
- No, it's Bob Morton.
(laughter)
And this adorable
creature is Claudia Faraday.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- I'll pour it for you, honey.
- Faraday, Faraday.
I had a lodge brother
named Faraday.
He had a heart attack last year
driving through an underpass.
(laughter)
- Well, so, tell me,
what are you two
planning on doing tonight?
- Well, Bob's taking me
to a French restaurant.
I love to hear him
order in French.
(laughing)
- So you're
parlez-vousing, eh, kid?
(laughter)
College kinda
turned you right into
an old muchacho della mundo.
That's Spanish.
(laughter)
- It's not college,
it's Claudia.
You know, I can't tell you
what she's done for me.
Of course, knowing Claudia,
she'd probably do
the same for anybody.
(laughter)
Actually, Claudia's
a lot like you, Barb.
You know, it's amazing
how I always go
for the same kind of girl.
(laughter)
- Well, that's because
you're so nice.
- Before I met you,
I was nice and dull.
- Bob, I told you, I don't
care about what you were.
(laughter)
- You know, Claudia
follows a really neat
philosophy about life.
The present is
meant to be lived,
the future to be dreamed,
and the past to be buried.
- Woody Hayes?
(laughter)
- Nothing like a
good buried past.
- I really love your apartment.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh yeah, this is one of
the best apartments around.
This whole building is terrific.
I mean, you got here, you
got your central heating.
You got your
peekaboo safety door,
genuine Latin plaster, you
got two by 12 floor joists.
- Barbara, how
about a quick tour?
- Oh, well, Schneider's
hit all the high spots.
- She's right, listen, if
you've seen one bedroom,
you've seen them all.
(laughter)
- Indulge me.
- Oh, I know what
you're up to, girl talk.
- Yeah, I guess what
we girls will do, talk.
This way, Claudia,
through there.
- She's pretty, Bob.
- Thanks.
- You know, Bob, I know
how much you admire me.
(laughter)
How you look up to me,
respect my knowledge of women.
So I really gotta
tell you something.
You better hang on to that one,
because you just
don't find a girl like that
walking the streets.
(laughter)
- Thank you, Schneider.
- Hey, what are we talking
about, you know what I mean?
Women, I've known women
from Tampico to Tokyo,
from Paris to Peoria.
From Natchez to Mobile.
♪ From Memphis to St. Joe
♪ Wherever the
Schneider goes (laughter)
- And this is my bedroom.
- Barbara, are you
gonna tell Bob?
- He knows this is my bedroom.
(laughter)
- Barbara, I know you know.
- I know you know I know.
But does he know?
- You know he doesn't know.
(laughter)
- I know he doesn't know.
But does he know that you
know that I know he doesn't know?
(laughter)
- Look, Barbara, I've
made a few mistakes.
All right, a lot of mistakes.
But that was in the past.
And Bob and I both agree
that the past should be buried.
- Well of course, he does.
The only skeleton in his closet
is that he's never
made Eagle Scout.
I'll bet you have.
(laughter)
Okay, look, I'm sorry, I
have no right to say that.
- That's right, you don't.
- But, don't you think you
should be honest with Bob?
- It's not that easy.
You know, nobody's ever
treated me the way Bob does.
Do you know, that,
when we go to a drive-in,
we watch the movie?
He's the best thing that
ever happened to me.
- Then how can you lie to him?
I think he deserves
better than that.
- I think it's none
of your business.
- Yes, it is my business, I
happen to care about Bob.
- Well so do I, and he
happens to care about me.
Look, we've got a great
thing going, you know.
He's sweet and considerate.
And he loves me.
So, Barbara, butt out.
- You girls comparing
notes on me?
(laughter)
- Bob, you know I
never kiss and tell.
- We gotta get
going, Ms. Romano.
- I'm sorry, will we see you
before you go back to school?
- Oh sure.
- Well, we'll try, but
you know we have
so many people to see.
- Yeah, Claudia's so friendly,
everybody in town
seems to know her.
(laughter)
- Well, thank you, it
was nice meeting you.
- [Ann] You bet.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Barbara, what happened in there?
- He doesn't know.
(door knocking)
- Quick, before
the elevator comes,
what do you think of her?
Isn't she wonderful?
I mean, she's just like you.
She's wonderful, and
she makes me feel so, so.
- Wonderful?
- Yeah, how'd you know?
- Eh, lucky guess.
- Well what do you think of her?
- I think she's wonderful.
- Oh, I'm glad you like her,
because if you like
her, she must be okay.
Look.
I'm giving this ring
to Claudia tomorrow
right after Sunday dinner.
(gasping)
- [Claudia] Bob,
the elevator's here.
- Oh, I gotta go.
Barb, it's gonna be wonderful.
You can be my best man.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Do you think
Barbara's gonna tell Bob?
- I don't know.
- Has she made up her mind?
- I don't know.
- Do you think she
should tell him?
- I don't know.
- That's what I like
about you, Shorty,
you're not a know-it-all.
(laughter)
- Max, I think that this
is Barbara's decision
and we should stay out of it.
- You're right, we
shouldn't interfere.
- Absolutely.
- I've decided to tell Bob.
- Wait a second, you gotta
think this thing through.
- Hey, you guys, you guys, wait.
I called Bob, he's
on his way over.
I think he has a right to
know about Claudia's past.
- Don't you think Claudia
should be the one to tell him?
- When?
When her friends get together
and decide to have a
bridal orgy for them?
(laughter)
- She'll tell him when
she feels more secure.
- Aw, actually, I'm sorry
I even know about this.
But I do.
Julie, suppose before
you two were married
I knew that Max
was a hopeful drunk.
Shouldn't I have told you?
- Sex maniacs don't drink.
(laughter)
- I'll drink to that.
(laughter)
You know, I think
that there's a Claudia
in every high school.
- I gotta tell you something.
I feel a little sorry
for girls like Claudia.
I think she's probably lonely.
- Yeah, lotsa
dates but no friends.
- I guess it is kinda sad,
always looking for love.
- What are you kidding me?
Looking for it, all they
gotta do is run outside
when the horns honk.
(laughter)
- Max, don't be crude.
- Come on, Julie, I
knew a girl like that once.
(laughter)
Come on, Julie, a friend of
mine knew a girl like that once.
(laughter)
And every night, the
guys would drive past
her house honking their horns.
- And you never did?
- Once.
(laughter)
- And she came running out?
- No, her father did, he put a
hammer through my windshield.
(laughter)
- Come on, you guys.
Mom, you know how
vulnerable Bob is.
Wouldn't you tell him?
- Well, sweetheart, I
understand your concern.
She's not being honest with him.
On the other hand,
she does have a right
to live down her past.
Right, Julie?
- Sure she does.
- What does she
mean right, Julie?
- Well, she meant, what
do you mean right, Julie?
- Look, we're talking about
Claudia's past, not Julie's.
- 82, 83, 84, 85, open the door.
86, 87, 88, 89,
90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95,
96, 97, 98, 99.
- Schneider, there's no ball.
- What do you expect, it
was only a rummage sale.
(laughter)
100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 105.
(applause)
whap.
(laughter)
109, break that.
- [Max] Schneider,
we're in the middle
of a family discussion.
- Ooh, terrific, good.
(laughter)
- Okay, now what if Claudia
can't live down her past?
- What if Bob finds out and
has a nervous breakdown?
- What if his best
friend can't tell the truth?
- What if Brett finds
out the baby isn't his?
(laughter)
- What, what?
- As the World Turns.
(laughter)
See today, Louise
got sick at work
and came to on
Mr. Jordan's couch.
- Schneider, Schneider.
(laughter)
- We're talking about
Claudia Faraday.
- Do you know how many
guys might come up to them
with a hey, I remember
you, all the way Faraday?
- All the way Faraday,
that sweet little girl?
- Finding out that
way would kill Bob.
- So, you are gonna tell me?
- I don't know.
That would kill him too,
but what are friends for?
(laughter)
- Okay, okay, I know
you want my advice.
(laughter)
So here it is.
That girl's past is
nobody's business, butt out.
- Bob wants to marry her.
- Butt in.
(laughter)
- Oh, Schneider,
that is just great.
A man can have a
past, but a woman can't?
- I didn't say that.
- No you did say that.
(everybody talking)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, who
cares what Schneider says?
(laughter)
Oh, Schneider, I'm sorry,
you know I didn't mean that.
Look, I don't care
about Claudia,
but I care very much about Bob.
He loves her, and I don't
want him getting hurt.
- Well, at least he
thinks he loves her.
- Well, but you don't
marry the first poodle
that makes you wag your tail.
(laughter)
- Schneider's right,
Claudia wags Bob's tail.
She's got his motor running,
and he thinks it's love.
- Is that bad?
- Not in my book,
but I ain't Bob.
(laughter)
- If the guy had
more experience,
he would know that any woman
can start your motor running.
(laughter)
(laughter)
(applause)
Except a one-woman man like me.
(laughter)
- Let me give you
some of the facts of life.
No matter what you
tell Bob about this chick,
he ain't gonna believe you.
- But he's giving
her the ring tonight.
I've gotta find some
way to make him wait.
- Well, one way
to cool a man's fire
is to start another fire.
Let him know there's more
than one fish in the forest.
(laughter)
- You mean come on to him?
I couldn't do that.
- Well I don't mean you.
You wouldn't have a chance.
(laughter)
What I mean is,
see, you're too sweet.
You're too pure.
You can't start a fire
with the driven snow.
(laughter)
- Oh, it's Bob, it's Bob.
- [Julie] What are you gonna do?
- Uh, uh, uh.
I'm gonna tell
him about Claudia.
I can't tell him,
Mom, you tell him.
- Oh no no no, I can't.
(doorbell ringing)
- Uh, excuse
me, if you're lucky,
he might get picked up
for loitering in the hall.
(laughter)
- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, hi, Bob.
- Hey, Bob, how are you?
- [Schneider]
I'll see you later.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Boy, whatever it is
you called me over for
must be a real doozy.
- Doozy, ha, that's
good, where'd you get it?
- From my grandfather.
Sort of a cross between
the cat's pajamas
and a small humdinger.
(laughter)
Well what did you
call me over for?
- Well.
Bob, I wanna talk to you
about you and Claudia.
- Yeah, isn't she
something else?
- Oh yeah, something else.
Oh, Bob, you really
mean a lot to me.
You're a very special
and sweet person.
And I just don't want you
jumping into this engagement
without knowing
everything you should know.
- Well, I already spoke
to my family doctor.
(laughter)
You know, he's so old-fashioned,
sometimes I think even Claudia
knows more than he does.
(laughter)
- Bob, um, marriage is a
very big step, you know.
And, um, you haven't
dated all that many girls,
and I'm just afraid
that you may be falling
for your first poodle,
uh, girl that turns you on.
- She's a real gem.
- Bob, there's an awful lotta
gems out there, you know.
And you're not the same
guy you were in high school.
When we met, you were a boy.
Now you're a man, a very
mature, attractive man.
- I am?
- Yes.
That's the first I noticed
when you walked in.
- So you really can tell?
I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
- You're very special to me.
Don't worry.
If you ever need
me, I'll be here.
- Yeah, I know.
I, really have to say
something right now,
and it's not really...
(doorbell ringing)
(door knocking)
- [Claudia] Bob.
- Oh, it's Claudia.
Can I let her in,
we're almost engaged.
- [Barbara] Bob.
- Your mother told
me you were here.
Have I missed anything?
- No, we were just
talking about the past.
- Whose?
- Ours.
- Bob, we're due at your folks.
- Bob, we have so many
wonderful memories.
- So do we.
Remember our hayride, Bob?
- Yeah, it was my third kiss.
(laughter)
- Well, we do have
to run, come on.
- Bob, Bob, do you
remember our hayride?
- Yeah, the worst
allergy attack I ever had.
(laughter)
- I'll get your jacket.
- I sneezed and
fell off the wagon,
and I sprained my ankle and
I had to go to the bathroom.
- Bob, I really
have to talk to you.
- Later, we have to get going.
- What's the hurry?
- He's due at his folks.
- They can wait.
- Boy, I haven't
been this popular
since I delivered the
horse meat to the dog show.
(laughter)
- Okay, this is ridiculous,
we're playing games.
- [Claudia] Bob, let's go.
- Right or wrong, Bob, I
really have to talk to you.
- Honey, let's go.
- Bob, please,
just listen to me.
- Listen, Barb, we gotta go.
Dad's barbecuing, and if
we don't get there on time,
we'll get burnt spare ribs
and a lecture on punctuality.
Gotta go, see you later.
- Bye.
(door knocking)
- Forgot my jacket.
Be with you in a minute, hon.
- Barb, I know about Claudia.
And when she's
ready, she'll tell me.
I just wanted to thank
you for being friend enough
to try and tell me.
And having compassion
enough not to be able to.
Thank you.
You're the best, Barb.
(door closing)
- So are you, Bob, so are you.
(applause)
("One Day at a Time"
instrumental theme song)