One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 17 - Endless Elliot - full transcript

Elliot is so interested in Barbara that he is driving her crazy bordering on harassment.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ Well, this is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So, up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ La la la la

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ La la la la

♪ One day at a time

(door slams)
- Yeah.

- It's just too easy.

- I know, it's okay, okay.

- (mumbles) study.
- Mmm-hmm.

(door thuds) (laughs)

(door slams) (laughing)

- Uh, Barbara, I need your help.

- Oh, okay.

I'll see you guys later, okay?

Just a minute, Elliot,
I'm really thirsty.

- Yeah, me too.

- Elliot! You kissed me!

(audience laughing)

- Look ecstatic, okay?

Go limp.

- What? (laughing)

- Put your arms around
me and blow in my ear.

- Elliot, let go of me!

(audience laughing)

- Do you have any
idea what you can do

for my love life?

- I know karate, I can
end it. (audience laughing)

(door thuds shut)

- Barbara, I was desperate.

This has nothing to do with you.

It was Joyce Barlow.

Pfft, why would I
want to kiss you?

(audience laughing)

- You're so smooth, Elliot.

- Barbara, Joyce
is driving me crazy.

(heavy breath)

She was standing here,
by the bulletin board.

That's why I kissed you.

- Oh, you like Joyce,
so you kissed me.

- You've got it, babe.

(audience laughing)

- Elliot, did you ever play
marbles and lose them?

(audience laughing)

- Don't you get it?
It's the call of the wild!

- Oh, why didn't you say so?

The call of the wild, yeah.

Look, Elliot, I'd love
to stand around here

and chat with you, but, um,

I promised the coach
I'd go wash the footballs.

(audience laughing)
- The call of the wild.

Don't you remember?

Clark Gable's got this
old dog, named Buck, right,

who won't eat?

So, Clark tricks him into
getting interested in food

by offering raw
meat to another dog.

I'm using the same technique.

(audience laughing)

- You're Clark Gable?
- No.

(audience laughing)

- You're Buck?
- No.

Joyce is Buck, I'm
the raw meat, yeah?

- And I'm?
- You're the dog!

(audience laughing)

- Bye!

- Oh, wait, Barbara!


- Elliot.


- Look, look, all I'm
asking you to do is just

act like you're crazy about me.

- Elliot, get yourself
another dog.

- Okay, Barbara, look.

I'm sorry about the kiss, huh?

But there were only
two people available.

It was either you
or Herbie Willis, huh!

- You are so weird!

- Weird?
- Yes!

- You see me as weird?
- Yes.

- I have a very sincere side.
- Oh?


- Pardon me.

Are you familiar with the
plight of the African wart hog?

(audience laughing)

No? The poor things
are losing their warts.

(audience laughing)

Do you have any
idea what it's like

to be deserted by your parents?

I mean, shunned by your friends?

I mean, come on, you can help.

Look, if you can't
give money, give warts!

(audience laughing)

I mean, god, the
insensitivity of some people.

Will you believe...

- Well, probably psych
majors. (laughing)

- Hey, Barb, look,
we're friends, right?

- Right, but I'm
not gonna help you

make Joyce Barlow jealous.

- Hey, okay, that's cool.

So, you won't help
me with Joyce Barlow.

I mean, I respect you for that.

How about helping me
with Margie Johnson?

- She's not here.

- Let's just practice 'til
she gets here, okay?

- You little, you
are impossible!

You did this whole
thing just to hit on me?

- Hey, you can't
blame a guy for tryin'.

Look, I just thought if we
spent some time together,

you know, you
might get to like me.

- Well, I do like you.

- Well, (mumbles), you
want to go to a movie,

uh, get married, have kids?

- Oh, Elliot, (laughing)

Come on, we've been
through all this before.

We're friends.
- You think I'm a jerk.

- No, I don't
think you're a jerk.

- I'm physically
disgusting to you.

(audience laughing)


- No, you're not
physically disgusting to me.

Look, as a matter of fact,
on a scale from one to 10,

I think you're, cute.

(audience laughing)

- So, what's the problem?

You're not married, are you?

- Not happily.
(audience laughing)

Look, Elliot, I really enjoy
having you as a friend.

Let's just keep it that way.

- I can't.

Believe me, Barbara,
I feel a lot worse

about this than you do.

I mean, it's awful.

I mean, all of a sudden,
I'm a one-woman man.

- And I'm the one woman?

- You got it, babe.

- Ah, Elliot, uh, (thumping)

I'm sorry.

- Hey, hey, look, I
made up my mind.

It's you, and I'm not giving up!

(footsteps) (door slams)

(audience laughing)

- It's coming along, just fine,

Mr. Connors, just, just fine.

You're gonna love it.
(ripping and crinkling)

Yeah, uh, what?

Oh, sure, you'll have it
first thing in the morning.

That early. Right.

The theme.

You, you wanna
know, (clattering)

what the theme is.

Ah, the theme. (crinkling)

Ah, well, I hate
to give it to you

in bits and pieces,
Mr. Connors, so,

(audience laughing)

I'll see you in the morning.

That early?

You bet. Bye.

Ms. Romano, you shouldn't
be tying up the phone

with idle chit-chat
about business.

Elliot may be
trying to get through.

(audience laughing)

- That's all I need right now.

This whole last
week, every hour,

on the hour, you have
been coming in here

with Elliot Newcomb
love offerings.

- Yeah, but no more.

You don't have to
worry about me dragging

in all that junk, all day long.

- Oh, good.

- Because from now
on, there is just gonna

be one Elliot delivery a day,

and that one is at 6:00 p.m.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, do
me a favor, will ya?

Just get rid of all of this.

I got a whole
campaign to work out.

- Wait a second, this is
just what Barbara needs.

(audience laughing)

A little snap for
her wallet, ha ha ha.

- A life-sized photo of Elliot?

- Either that or
the poor kid got hit

by a steam roller.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, just unload it.

I really have work to do.

- Yeah, all right.

I'll put him over here.

Maybe you can
teach him how to type.

(audience laughing)

Oh, hey, see, I
gotta show you this.

Hey, look at this.

(laughing) This is so funny.

(phone clacks)

- [Elliot] Hi doll,
how 'bout a date?

(phone slams)
(audience laughing)

- That's incre...
- This is the last straw!

- And this is for you.

- [Elliot] Hi doll,
how 'bout a date?

- Oh, Mom, Elliot, he
is every... (screams)

(audience laughing)

- My God, Barbara, I
have a 7:00 a.m. deadline.

- But, I, and, and, this, and,

I start reading the school
newspaper and, look,

(rustling) a half-page ad.

Elliot Newcomb's list of the
ten most-desirable women.

- Bet he put you number one.

- I'm the first five.

Bo Derek is seven.

(audience laughing)

- I think that's kinda sweet.

(loud sigh)
- That makes it worse!

This guy is driving me crazy.

He waits for me at the bus stop.

He follows me around
campus like a little puppy.

And yesterday,
they had to throw him

out of my women's hygiene class.

(audience laughing)

- Can't blame a guy for
tryin' to get an education.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, what am I
gonna do with Elliot?

- Have you tried to
tell him to buzz off?

- Yes.
- Firmly?

- Well, no, not exactly, but,

I mean, it's hard
to tell someone

that there's just
no chemistry there,

that they don't appeal to you.

What do you do with a
guy who is so persistent?

- Well... ♪ Lady of
Spain, I adore you

- Oh my God!

♪ Right from the
first time I saw you

Get, get, be careful, get...

♪ Why should my
lips be concealing

(moans) (window slams open)

- Come on!

- Once and for
all, come on, Elliot.

- Get in here.

- Oh, Elliot. (moaning)

Come on, Elliot.

(audience laughing)

Elliot, I believe that
Barbara has a request.

- La Cucaracha?

- Oh!

- Senior Schneider.



(audience laughing)

- You're shorter in real life.

(audience laughing)

- I thought we
should all be together

on an occasion like this.

- What occasion?

- Won't you all to
join Barbara and me

in a little celebration.

- A celebration of what?

- A celebration
of a joyous union.

Two free spirits. (gurgling)

Two kindred souls. (gurgling)

Two people whose
destinies are bound to be one.

Mom. (audience laughing)

Uncle Schneid.

(audience laughing)

- You know, Elliot,
you do have flair,

an interesting style, or,
as the the French say,

a certain Chateaubriand.

(audience laughing)

- Elliot, what is all this?

- Barbara, I don't care if
the whole world knows.

Tonight, I'm asking
you to be my lady.

- Elliot, you asked
me last night.

And the night before last.

And Wednesday, and
Tuesday, and Monday.

And Elliot, the answer
is still the same.

No, no, no!

I will never, ever be your lady!

- Care to go bowling?


That's a good idea.

Um, take your
time, think it over.

- Okay, lover boy, don't
you have the message?

Come on.

I want you to take
your toy telephone,

your cold duck, your
mandolin, and leave!

- I can't.

- Whoa. (audience laughing)

I think I just got my
cue for the old heave ho.

(audience laughing)

Fortunately, kid, you're
the ho, and I'm the heave.

(audience laughing)

Pleasant bouquet.
(snapping and clap)

- Wait, please?

Will you just
listen for a minute?

(heavy sigh) Okay, okay.

So, maybe I came
on a little strong.

- A little strong.

Does the name Howard
Cosell ring a bell?

- I don't know what else to do.

I can't sleep, I can't eat.

Believe me, I've never
felt like this before!

- Gee whiz, kid,
you really got it bad.

- Elliot, look, I'm sorry.

You love somebody,
she doesn't love you.

It happens. It hurts.

If it didn't, there wouldn't
be any poetry in this world,

no love songs.

- No loaves of bread.

(audience laughing)

No jugs of wine.

(audience laughing)

No vows.

(audience laughing)

Omar Sharif.

(audience laughing)

- Annie, I'm sorry.

I apologize. (heavy sigh)

If you wanna get Barbara
out here, I'll tell her.

- Okay, Elliot, I'll
see what I can do.

- You know, kid,
I'd never admit this

in front of a woman,
but I know exactly

what you're going through.

- Nobody knows
what I'm going through.

- Come on, Elliot, cheer up.

Believe me, it
could be a lot worse.


I remember one summer,
I was working construction,

out in California,
on the west coast,

and I met this cool,
blonde, blue-eyed beauty,

well, let me tell
you, I flipped!

Well, I gave her the
complete Schneider charm,

but nothin' happened.

The way things worked
out, it was just as well

because Louise went to Sweden.

She had a sex change.
(audience laughing)

She moved to
Indianapolis and now we

go bowling every Thursday night.

(audience laughing)

Today, she's Harry, and
still a damn fine dancer.

(audience laughing)

- All right, Elliot, my
mother says you'd like

to say something to me.


- Go ahead, Elliot, tell her.

- Right, right, um,

Barbara, I wanna apologize
for makin' a fool out of myself,

and for embarrassing
you, and I'd like to say

that you don't have
to worry anymore.

I'd like to say that I'm
getting out of your life.

I'd like to say
that, but I can't.

(audience laughing)

- Elliot? (clicking)

(audience laughing)

- Elliot!

(audience laughing)

- I'm here for the duration.

(audience laughing)

- The duration?

- Until you go out with me.

- Ah, ah. (applause)

- I don't believe him, mother.

No one is stupid enough
to leave the key at home.

- All right, Elliot,
where's the key?

- Name: Elliot Newcomb.

Rank: sophomore.

Serial number: kellogs 19.

(audience laughing)

- Ms. Romano, come
here, come here.

I think that the problem here is

that Elliot is carrying
too much paint thinner.

(audience laughing)
Let me talk to him.

(clears throat) Look,
uh, Elliot, my boy.

What is it?

You wanna, wanna,
talk to somebody?

There's a terrific
Catholic priest,

right around the
corner, Father Donald.

- I'm not Catholic.
- What are you?

- Unitarian.
- Oh.

So, you wanna talk
to a math teacher?

(audience laughing)

- I have had it!

I don't care if you
stand there all night.

I have got work to do.

- But, you see,
for this job here,

I need my bolt
cutters and I lent them

to Beer Belly.

See, he went fishin' and he
needed them to borrow a rowboat.

(audience laughing)

- Please, just do something.

- Well, we got a choice here.

We can saw through
the post, or we can saw

through his arm.

Just painted the post.

(audience laughing)

- Wait, wait, wait!

Where ya going?

- I'm gonna go see my
friend, Commodore Dutch.

He's got a key to
every lock in town.

(doorbell rings)

- That's the door.
(door clicks open)

- Hi, is Barbara here?

- Who are you?

- I'm Greg Luther.
- Yeah?

Are you a friend of Elliot's?

- Yeah, I know Elliot.

- Oh you do?
- Sure.

- Come on in.

(yelling drowned out
by audience's laughter)

- Schneider!

- All right, all
right, he's clean.

Got no handcuffs.

- Greg, I'm sorry.

Mom, this is Greg Luther.

- Hello, Greg.
- Hi.

- Greg, my mom.

This is Elliot, you know him.

And I'll be out in a minute.

- All right.

Elliot, what are you doing here?

- Well, just hangin' around.

(audience laughing)

Old joke.

- What's with the handcuffs?

- Oh, I just thought
I'd handcuff myself

to the post here, until Barbara
says she'll go out with me.

(audience laughing)
- Oh.

- How'd you do it?

- Oh, I called her on
the phone and asked her.

- Oh, certainly
another approach.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, Greg, I'm ready.

Mom, don't wait up.

- Wait, wait, Barb,
you can't go out.

I mean, it's a school night.

Wait, where you going?

The Apocalypse Now. (door slams)

- Wait, I... (moans)

That's a three-hour movie.

(audience laughing)



(sigh and excited scream)

- I've got it!

This time I have really got it!

- Again?

- All right, tell me
what you think of this.

- Well, I love it, I love
it, I love it, I love it.

- Give your child a
real security blanket.

- Oh, Annie, I got
an itch on my back.

- Oh, okay.

When somebody opens
an account for a baby...

- No, higher, higher, higher.

- The bank give them a gift.

- Lower.

- A real security blanket.

A blanket that looks
like a huge dollar bill!

- Oh, oh, that's good.

- That is good!

(laughing) It's really good!

I think Mr. Connors
will love it.

- Oh, he should, Annie.

Just don't cut your nails.

(audience laughing)

(loud thump)

- Why I've been talking
to you about campaigns,

yours certainly
isn't going very well.

- Look, it may not be going
just exactly the way I figured,

but it's not over yet.

- Oh, Elliot, just let
me ask you just one,

you know, little question.

Are you enjoying
your little joke?

I mean, isn't there some
place that you'd rather be?

(audience laughing)

Elliot, what ever made you
do anything as bizarre as this?

- Annie, haven't you ever
been crazy about someone?

I mean, so crazy that
nothin' else mattered.

- Sure, Elliot, I've
had my infatuations,

but I would never
do anything like this.

- I gotta be me.

(audience laughing)

- John.

(door slams)

- Ms. Romano, the next
time that you have a man

in your apartment,
chained to a post,

don't call me.

- You couldn't find
Commodore Dutch?

- Oh, I found him, I
found him all right, finally.

He's playin' poker
down at the fire station.

- So, did you get the key?

- Yes, I got the key.

And I lost $23.00
to an inside straight.

(audience laughing)

- Why didn't you fold?

- Well, I had two good pair,
so I figured if I stayed in...

- Oh, Shneider!

Nah, nah, can't you
get him out of here?

- Yes, I can get
him out of here.

We have the Commodore's
personal guarantee.

- That's terrific.

- As for you, young
man, next time you try

a stunt like this, I'm
gonna shellac you,

varnish you, wax you, buff you,

and turn you into a sun porch.

(audience laughing)

- Elliot, next time,
no tricks, huh?

Just be honest.

- I don't know if I
know how to be honest.

- Fake it!

(audience laughing)

- You got it?

- I'm fine!

- All right, all right.


- Feel better?
- I will in a minute.

(audience laughing)

- Whew, he's really
some character!

- I'll tell you somethin',
I'm no shrink,

but my research indicates
to me that that kid,

he's got an inferiority complex.

- Elliot?

- Well, of course, I mean,
any guy that keeps comin' on,

like he's a lady's
man and acting macho

and boasting about
his sex appeal,

and hittin' on the ladies
and braggin' about...

(audience laughing)

Braggin' about
his conquests, well,

there's always the possibility,
you know, that he could be

the genuine article, I
mean, what the heck,

Freud never hit the nail
on the head every time.

I'm not takin' any therapy!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, ah, thank
God, Elliot's gone.

- Oh, Barbara, that Elliot...

- Uh, uh, I'd love to
hear all about it Mom,

but it'll have to
wait because I can't.

- No, no, uh, Barbara!

- Hey, uh, uh... (screams)

- Hi doll!

- What's he still doing here?

- I just freshening up, I mean,

you know, that
night's still young.

- All right, Mom, I want you
to leave me and Elliot alone.

- Oh, hey, now
you're talkin', babe.

(audience laughing)

Night Annie.

Wish me luck.

(audience laughing)

- Elliot?
- Yeah.

- Sit!

(audience laughing)

Okay, Elliot, the party's over.

Do you get the message?

- Hey.

- Come on, what do
you want me to do?

You want me to take out
an ad in the school paper,

play it on the mandolin,
record it on a toy telephone?

- Are you upset?

- No, I am furious!

You ruined my date!

- I did?
- Yes.

All I could think about
was you back here

chained to that post.

- You missed me, huh?
- Elliot!

Just stop.

- Barbara, I really
care about you!

(heavy sigh)

- No, you don't.

All you care about is
yourself, what you want.

Well, what about what I want?

(loud sigh)
- What do you want?

- I want you to
stop suffocating me,

to stop forcing yourself on me.

Elliot, it's a turn-off,
a real turn-off.

- Sorry, I just wanted
to go out with ya.

- Elliot, it's just not there.

(loud sigh)
- Well, if it's not there,

it's just not there.

Think it'll ever be there?
- No.

- Well, maybe I can still
get some use out of this stuff

for my next campaign, you know?

I mean, it's, uh,
hardly been used.

Hey, Barbara, uh, the other day,

you know, at the
drinking fountain,

did you feel, uh, anything?

- No, I hope you understand.

- Hey, babe, come on, no sweat.

I mean, I've been
there, you know?

Had to turn 'em down
left and right myself.

It's awkward, huh?

- Yeah, it's awkward.

Look, Elliot, uh, I'll see ya
in school tomorrow, okay?

- Hey, sure, sure.
- Save me a seat.

- You got it, babe.

(door thuds shut)


- Hi doll, how 'bout a date?

Hi doll, how 'bout a date?

Hi doll, how 'bout a date?

Hi doll, how 'bout a date?

Hi doll, how 'bout a date?

(applause) Hi doll,
how 'bout a date?

(upbeat music)