One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 13 - Schneider, the Model - full transcript

At first Schneider is happy with being asked to be a model and then he learns...

(One Day At A Time theme)


- It's alright, honey.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, I'll just have
to put my feet

on a hot water bottle tonight.

I love you, too, bye bye.

- How can Max be
in Lincoln, Nebraska

if he left on a
flight to Dallas?

- Well, there's a stop
over in St. Louis, and a

stewardess flying
from LA to Chicago got

sick over Phoenix, so
Max had to sub for her.

Then the flight to Chicago
was diverted to Des Moines,

but had to land in
Lincoln because of snow.


- Actually, I'm sorry I asked.

- Hey, you guys!

Guess what?

Guess what?

Let me put on the
five fifteen news.

- Yeah, go ahead!

Schneider, what's going on?

- Sh, I don't wanna miss this.

- [Salesman On TV]
Annual parking lot furniture

sale starts Saturday at
our store on Winston's.

- Television is all commercials!

- Schneider.

- I could be watching
this down at my place,

but moments like
this, you really,

you gotta share
with your friends.

- [Women] Schneider!

- Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm on the local news!

- Really?

- No kidding?

- What'd you do,
Schneider, flash somebody?


- That'd be world news.


- Okay, Schneider?

- Well, I was on my way down
to McGillvary's Hardware store.

- Commercial's over!

- Well, here it is,
this is it, this is it!

- [News Reporter] Our weekly

feature "Ask the
Man In the Street."

Let's go to Dudley Grant at
the White River Shopping Mall.

- Sit down.

- No, no, I can't,
I'm too nervous.

You sit.



- For Heaven's sakes!

- Sit down.

- [Dudley] Excuse me, sir, may

I talk to you for
a second please?

- [Schneider] What do you want?

- [Dudley] Well, I'm Dudley
Grant from "People in the News."

- Didn't you used to be on TV?

- Yes, I still am.

I'd like to ask you our
question of the week.


- Are you telling
me this is on TV?

- Yes.

- Right now?

- It'll be on the five
fifteen news tonight, yes.


- Now then, let's do a

- Schneider, Dwayne Schneider.

My mother was Irish,
my father was Schneider.

That makes me
an Irish Schneider!



- Great joke, really.

Well, now then, do you feel
that fraternal organizations,

men's clubs, lodges, et cetera,

are fading from the
American scene?

- Fading?

You gotta be kidding, they're
the backbone of this country.

I can't speak for
elks and the meece,

but we're turning them
away down at the SOB's.

- Down at the what?

- Secret Order of Beavers,
North Central Chapter.

- North Central.

- Dwayne Schneider, Activities

Chairman and
Entertainment Procurer.

Listen, if you'd like to
join, this Friday night

we're having our annual
stag party and beer bust.

- Well, I don't.

- It's strictly BYOC.

- Huh?

- Bring your own clams.


- Make a lovely dip.

- Thanks, now back to you, Tom.

- Tom?

Is there a Tom?

- Please, Tom.


- That's it?

- Yeah.

- Oh, wow.

Hey, a star!

Can I have your autograph?

- Write my studio.

- You look very handsome.

- Sexy is more like it!

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh, hi, Beer Belly!

We sure did!

It was terrific.

You bet.

It's for you, Marlon.

- Schneider, how did
he know you were here?

- Oh, you're my in case
of emergency number.

Hi, Belly!

Yeah, what's goin' down?

Oh, yeah, no, she
and the girls forced me

to come up here and
watch it with them, you know.


- Yeah, yeah it was
pretty good, wasn't it?



No kidding?

Yeah, right away?

Okay, let me have his number.


Okay, thanks a lot, Belly.

Don't let it all hang out!

Are you ready for this?

Guy by the name of James
Darvish, President of the

Darvish Modeling Agency,
called the lodge asking for me.

He's waiting for my call.

- I wonder what he wants?

- I don't know, maybe he
wants me to be a model.

- You, a model?

- Yeah, can you believe it?

Well, I guess I
should return his call.

Can I use your phone?


- Help yourself.

- Listen, this is
Dwayne Schneider.

I'm calling for, oh, hi
there, Mister Darvish.

Yeah, yeah I was the
fellow on the tube, yeah.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I try to stay in shape.

Oh, yeah, I've seen those
advertisements, yeah.


Are you kidding?

The Thornton Mills campaign?

Wow, I'd love to!

I'm going to France,
I can't go to France!

Listen (mumbles)
Thursday morning?

Yeah, I can see you
Thursday morning, sure!

Mister Darvish,
if I go to France,

do I have to eat those snails?


- No, alright, good, yeah!

Thanks a million!

You ready for this?

Prepare yourself.

You are looking at,
standing here right in

front of you, the new Thornton
Mills man of distinction.

- Who?


- The Thornton Mills
man of distinction!

It's in all the magazines ads!

It's always a
different guy, posing

in a different
part of the world.

With a spiffy looking
suit on, and a little fat,

little tailor that fits in
his cuffs or something,

and a gorgeous girl
hanging from his shoulders!

- That's exciting, Schneider!

Are you sure about it?

- Well, I'm as
surprised as you are.

But the guy said that I was
perfect for the part, you know.

Gosh, maybe they can
always use a handsome

American male in his late 30's.


- Gosh, I can hardly believe it!

- Neither can I.

- I'm gonna have to, you
know, buy some clothes.

Maybe get a haircut, even a,

what do you mean,
neither can you?

- Well, Schneider,
it's a little strange,

getting a job like that
over the telephone.

- Yeah, over the
phone, that's right!

My phone is probably jingling
off the hook down there!

All those advertising campaigns!

I mean, the Swift campaign,
there's Irish Spring!

I'd take a shower twice!


- Ma, you deal with
models, don't you?

- Some.

- Well, have you ever heard of
the Darvish Modeling Agency?

- No, but after all
Lana Turner was

discovered sitting
at a soda fountain.

- Who?

- And what?

- Go soak your head.

- [Both] Go soak your head?

- Well, here's one
you may recognize!


- Mom?


Anybody home?

Came to pick up my lamb chops.

Steal some butter, jam, let's
see, some cereal, crackers.

What's that?

Soup, tomato sauce, cookies!

- Would you like
those gift wrapped?


- I didn't know you were home.

- Obviously.

- Julie, you both, you and
Max, are earning money.

Can't you buy some
of your own food?

- Oh, mom, you
know Max and I are

trying to save up
for an apartment.

We're sick of living
in Schneider's camper.

I mean, don't you want
us to be independent?

- She's got ya there.

- Ah, go ahead.

- Hey, is Max home yet?

- Not yet, he will
be any minute.

What's new with you guys?

- Oh, nothing much.

I did check up on the
Darvish Model Agency.

It is legitimate.

- See, we were
worried about nothing.

- Yeah, I guess so.

I was just concerned
that Schneider

would get hurt, you know?

I mean when men are
middle-aged they become vulnerable.

They do foolish things,
they act weird, actually.

- Mom, I wouldn't
worry about Schneider.

He's a pretty sensible guy.

- Yeah.



- Oh, my God.

- I guess I've
mopped my last foyer.


- Schneider, you
look positively nuclear.


- (mumbles)
Schneider, tell me, is this

the outfit you're
planning on modeling?

- Oh, no, this is
just some stuff that

I bought myself to
go with my new image.

- I see.

- The guy at the
store said he knew

this outfit was me the
minute he saw me coming.


(doorbell ringing)

- Hey, Max, welcome home!

- Thank you.

- Hi, Max.

- Hey, baby.

- How was your flight?

- It was terrific.


- Is that Schneider?


- Max, guess what?

Schneider got discovered
by a modeling agency.

- How could they miss him?


- Max, Schneider's gonna
be the next Thornton Man.

- Who?

- Schneider, what is this?

- That's a, that's
my makeup kit.

I also signed up for a
modeling course, you know.

Your charm, your
poise, your posture.


- Hey, hey, hey.

Feel that stomach.

Hard as a girdle?


- Well, if one is gonna
have a future in the

modeling business, one has
to have all the necessitados.

- Schneider, how much did all
these, necessitados, cost you?

- Cost?

What's the difference
what it cost?

It's a once in a lifetime shot!

This could make me rich!

- Right, mom checked up on
the Darvish Modeling Agency.

It's legit.

- Mom checked up?

Nobody asked mom to check up.

I want a check up
I go see a doctor.

I'm a big boy, Miss Romano.

I know what I'm doing.

- Oh, I know that, Schneider.

- The problem here,
is that all you people,

you see me fixing
your plumbing and

mopping your
foyer, and that's it!

Once in a while you should try

looking at the man
and not the mop.

I want to tell you
something, I'm not

just a backwoods
jerk, a rural bumpkin.

- I know, Schneider.

- Yeah, and for
your information,

this time next week, I'll
be in the South of France.

And if I'm so inclined,
I happen to remember,

I'll give your personal regards

to Princess Grace
and Prince Monaco.


- And the little Monaco.



- I tell you, Barbara, I am
really getting worried now.

- I know, even Miss LaRue hasn't

seen Schneider for three days.

- Three nights.


- I just can't believe
that Schneider

would leave for France
without even saying goodbye.

- I know.


- Hi.

You're home already.

- Well, if it isn't
Bonnie and Clyde.


- Don't you guys
ever buy anything?

- We wrote you an IOU list.

- That's my pen.

- It's on the list.


- God, it's cold in here.

What's with the heat?

- It's been off all afternoon.

That's not like Schneider.

- Maybe we should
go looking for him.

- Well, we got two
choices; either he's

in France or here
in Indianapolis.

- Well, great.

Let's split up.

I'll take Maxim's and
the Champs-Elysees

and you take the Boom
Boom Room at the Purple Pig.


- You know, I hope he's not
making a fool out of himself.

I remember when my
dad was his age, he started

tinting his hair, going to
a Guru, wearing a girdle.

- I'm really worried
about Schneider.

- It has been three days.

- I'm gonna go check
out his apartment.

- I'm going with you.

Thanks, Max.


- Schneider?


- Schneider.

- Whoa.


- I don't believe this.

- Looks like he had a
slumber party for the Huns.


- Schneider?

Well, he's not here.

- I wouldn't be
either if I were him.


- Look at this beer and bourbon.

I don't think I've ever
seen so many empties.

Nobody could drink
this much booze.

- They could try!


- Why don't I set out
some hor d'oeuvres?



- Oh, Schneider,
thank God you're alright.


- Of course I'm alright.

Did you think I was dead?

Is that why you brought
John the Baptiste?


- Everybody up.


- Now we're all up.

- Yes.


- Why don't you sit down?

- Well, I.

- You can sit
down over there, or

you can sit down over there.

But you can't sit
down over here,

cos I'm gonna sit
down over here.


- So, how was shopping?

- Schneider, how
are you feeling?

- I'm feeling fine,
and I'm gonna.

- Oh, Schneider,
no more, please.


- She sounds like my
ex-wife on our honeymoon.



- Listen, Schneider,
what happened?

Three days ago you said
you were going to France.

- What, France?

Why should I go to France?


Are they at war again?

(mumbling melody)

- Schneider, Schneider,
Schneider, Schneider!

You want to tell us about
this modeling thing, huh?

- Sure, yes, I do.

- Okay, good.

- You like a little drink?

- Oh, Schneider!

- Now don't start
giving me lectures.

Schneider, Schneider,
yackity yackity, Schneider.

- Dwayne.

- Now you're gonna
say it with my first name,

Dwayne, Dwayne,
yackity yackity, Dwayne.


- Listen, why don't
you let me handle this?

You know, I've got
some in flight experience

with drunks and stuff
like that, you know,

flight attendants have to
handle this kind of thing.

- But, look.

- Let me handle it.

- Are you gonna be alright?

- I'm gonna be fine.


- Don't be a stranger.

- No, I, good luck.

- You know, I love her.

- Me too.

- I don't mean I love
her I mean, I love her.


- Well, there's a little of
that, but not too much.


- Want a drink?

- Why not?

- Okay.

Are you old enough to drink?

- Yes.

- First time I ever
asked that of a guy.

- What is this?

- Liquid plumber.


- No, that's my
imported whiskey.

That came up from Alabama
in the tire of a '63 Chevy.

- Chevy.

- Chevy, yeah.

Well, in this case,
I'll have a little more.

- There you go.

Yeah, man, that's
(mumbles) whiskey.

- Thanks.

- Listen, I'm gonna give
you some advice, okay?

Sit down.

There you go.

- Thank you.

- Put her right there, pal.

Okay, now the advice.

The advice is live
it up while you can.

Because before you
know it, the lint trap

of the mind gets
so clogged you'll

wind up with ring
around the brain.


- That was really
worth waiting for.


- Yeah, that's right.



- What?

- That's what that
twerp at the modeling

agency called me, pops.

- Uh-huh, they changed
their minds about hiring you.

- No, they didn't
change their minds.

The idea, the commercial
is a rugged, handsome guy.

On the French Riviera and
he dressed up in a spiffy suit,

little fat tailor
fixing his cuffs,

and terrific looking
chick hanging

on his shoulder, you know?

Well, that handsome, rugged
guy was me, 20 years ago.

- You lost the job.

- No, I didn't lose the job.

I got the job.

- Hey, that's great!

- Of that fat little tailor.


- You know, uh, I've never
noticed a tailor in those ads.

- See what I mean?

They want a guy
that nobody notices.


Dwayne Schneider.

Toes to the seventh, please.

Reduced to this.

Nobody believe that.

Nobody will believe it.

♪ For it's a long
long May December

♪ And the days grow shorter

♪ When you reach September

- Oh, that's a nice song.

You make it up?

- Yeah, it's mine.


- Whoa.

Schneider, would
it be alright if I

asked you a personal question?

- Absolutely.

- Thank you.

Why are you so uptight
about this modeling thing?

- It's not the modeling thing.

- What is it?

- The Bee Gees.


- Instead of Les
Paul and Mary Ford,

it's Joe DiMaggio
selling coffee.

It's Christmas without Crosby.

- What are you talking about?

- Bulge, Gable, Tracy,
The Duke, all gone.

I'm the last of a dying breed.


- Schneider, Schneider,
forget the modeling thing.

You don't need it.

You got a great job right here.

- Janitor?

- No, you are the supervisor
of maintenance engineering.

- Where did it all go, kid?

No family, nobody.

I'm getting old.

- You are not getting old.

You're in the
prime of your life.

- Don't kid the kidder, kid.

The word men ain't
menopause for nothing.


- Just hate to do my
last tango in Indiana!

The Duke
understands, right Duke?

While you got it!

Almost got you, Duke.

Let me ask you.


- Max!

- Please fasten your seatbelt.


- I didn't even
know we took off.


- We must have, cos I'm flyin'.

- You're flyin'?

You little son of a gun.

I get you flyin', land.

Well, I tell ya, you got
it all ahead of you, see?

Me, it's, it's just memories.

Of course, great memories.

I met women all over the world.

Rosalita, Carmelita,
Conchita, Dagmar,

Ingrid, Trudy, Mishigumi, Sumi.


- You know, Schneid,
I don't know if

I can give advice to an old man.

- Who says I'm an old man?

- Well, you did.

- Okay, then.


- Here it is; take the
part of the fat little tailor.

- Take it.

- Take it!

- I already took it.

- You did?

You did!

- Sure.

It's a free trip, it's
a little easy money,

and it's a little (mumbles).


- Well, why didn't you tell me?

We could have celebrated!

- I thought we were celebrating!


- You mean we've been
having fun and I didn't know it?

You old son of a gun!

Oh, sure, you're
gonna go to France and

I'm gonna have a
four day hangover.

- That's what you get
for calling me an old man.


- You know,
Schneid, you're alright.

You got class.

- Yeah, I got class.

Hang onto your pants,
I'm going to France.

- That's right!

- Hey.

♪ Over there ♪
Over there (applause)

(One Day At A Time ending theme)