One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 14 - Triple Play - full transcript
A salesman shows up and seems to be romancing Barbara, Ann and Grandma.
♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Oh why do I do
these things to myself?
If I could only learn to say no.
- Mom, can I
borrow your sweater?
- No.
- What are you so mad about?
He's only coming
over for dinner.
- Well that is really
easy for you to say.
You don't have to miss class.
- Okay, fine.
- Entertaining an insurance
adjuster from Buffalo
is not my all-time fantasy.
- It isn't, what is?
Don't tell me, it'll
only excite me.
(audience laughing)
Who do you know in Buffalo?
- His name is Mr. Arnold Bates.
He sounded like a
real ninny on the phone.
Your cousin Phyllis
told me to call
and I should look you up
when I come to Indianapolis.
If he's a friend
of cousin Phyllis',
he must be a real ninny.
(doorbell rings)
(groaning) There he is now.
- He even rings the
doorbell like a ninny. (laughs)
(crying)
- [Ann] Mom.
- [Schneider] Katherine?
- Grandma.
(bawling)
(audience laughing)
She's left grandpa again.
- She's only gonna
stay for a little while
- [All] until she finds
a place of her own.
- Hello, everybody.
Lovely day isn't it?
Ann, I've left your father.
But I'm only gonna
stay for a little while
until I can find a
place of my own.
(audience laughing)
Honey, shouldn't this
plant be over here?
- Mom, leave the plant alone.
- Ann, do not pick
on me now, please.
- Mom, I'm sorry you
and daddy had a little tiff
but you caught me at a
really rotten time, and I...
- Little tiff,
little, little tiff?
First degree infidelity
is not a little tiff!
- You been foolin' around?
(audience laughs)
- Not me, him!
- C'mon now mom, you've imagined
these little
infidelities before.
- Ah, no, no, no, no, oh no, no.
This time, I've got proof.
Will you look at this?
Look at this, please.
Here.
- What's that?
- A blue peroxide hair, grown
on Estelle Dumont's head.
I found it on the
defendant's jacket.
(doorbell rings)
- There's the ninny now.
- Don't you talk about
your father that way.
- Never mind.
- Is this yours?
- No, it's not.
- It is now.
Hi Ann, I'm Arnold Bates,
cousin Phyllis sent me.
- Arnold, hi.
Oh, this is really,
it's very sweet of you.
I was just saying, your call
was such a pleasant surprise.
- I'm glad.
(audience laughing)
- The guy even looks
like a ninny, doesn't he?
- No.
Hi, Mr. Bates, I'm Barbara.
- You're Barbara?
Cousin Phyllis thought
you'd be about 12.
You're not 12, Barbara.
- No, I'm not 12.
- And this...
- A very lucky man.
Hello, Mr. Romano.
(audience laughing)
- No, this is Mr. Schneider,
our superintendent.
There is no Mr. Romano.
- There is a Mr. Romano,
and we're separated.
- This is my mother.
She's not quite herself today.
- Katherine Romano, and
I've never felt better in my life.
- Please, sit down.
- How long will you
be in town, Mr. Bates?
- Just overnight, one of
the buildings we insure
had a fire, and they wanted
me to take a look at it.
- Uh oh, you know
what that could be?
That could be arson.
See, a couple of
guys, they get together.
They insure the
building right to the hilt.
Then they get a match
and some kerosene
and poof, double indemnity.
- It was hit by lightning.
- That's a little harder.
That takes about
three or four guys.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Schneider,
tell me, what is that?
- That's a two-inch,
right-angle joint
with a female thread.
- Uh huh, and why
don't you go use it?
- Oh, the leak
- In the bathroom.
- Leak in the bathroom.
(Schneider laughing)
Well, I might as
well go start dinner.
I am making my
specialty, crepe ratatouille.
- You'll love it, we make
it with hot chili peppers.
- No, we don't.
- Darling, we always make
that with hot chili peppers.
It cleans out your system.
(audience laughing)
- Mom, I would
really appreciate it
if you didn't talk
about my system
in front of company.
- Look, we always...
- And Mom, I am not
running out to the market
to get hot chili peppers.
- Okay, okay, I'll do it.
You'd probably pick out
the mushy ones, anyway.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
- I tell ya, this job's a
little tougher than I thought.
The expansion joint is dishing.
I'm gonna have to
get a recessed nipple.
(audience laughing)
I've never seen one
west of Wilkes Barre.
- Why do I suddenly
feel so drained?
Arnold, I hope you can hold out.
It looks like it's
gonna be a late dinner.
- No problem.
- Great, my class lets
out at eight o'clock,
so I can rush right
home and join you then.
- That'll be nice.
- Oh, before I start
dinner, I gotta get
rid of this laundry.
Barbara, do you
have a little bit of time
before you have to get to class?
- [Barbara] A little bit.
- Terrific, honey, could
you show Mr. Bates
where the wine is?
Maybe he'd like
something to drink.
- Oh, sure, okay.
Let's see what we can find.
You have your choice
of, ha, a light clear rose
or a light clear rose.
- I think I'll
clear, light rose.
- Good. (laughs)
- Let me do that.
So what class
you running off to?
- English lit, we're
studying the poets
of the 19th century.
Right now we're on Shelley.
No, thank you.
- Shelley, now there's
an interesting fella.
Alive, vibrant,
productive, creative,
how many people could
write "We are as clouds
"that veil the midnight moon.
"How restlessly they
speed and gleam and quiver
"streaking the darkness
radiantly, yet soon..."
- "Night closes round
and they are lost forever."
You wouldn't be interested in
taking a midterm, would you?
- No, thank you, I've
already had my share.
- Where did you go to school?
- Oh, Cornell,
Syracuse, Princeton.
- Uh, you must have
wall-to-wall degrees.
- Nary a one, my lass, spent
a semester in each place.
Although I did learn some
great beer-drinking songs.
- You mean you
had all that talent,
why didn't you get your degree?
- 'Cause I spent my
senior year in Paris,
playing piano at Le
Cave, otherwise known
as ze hole in ze wall.
- (laughs) What kind
of music did you play?
- Mostly jazz, some
Cole Porter and Gershwin.
- Ah, Gershwin, I love Gershwin.
- I'll bet you saw
the movie Manhattan.
- Are you kidding?
Three times!
I'm insane about Woody Allen.
- The only false
note in that movie
might have been the
relationship he had
with the 17 year old.
It's hard to believe
that a young gal like that
would be attracted
to a man that age.
(audience groans)
- Why, I think I could
see that happening.
- You could?
- Oh well, yeah, some
of the big love affairs
in history have involved
older men and younger women.
I mean, there's what,
Caesar and Cleopatra,
Charlie Chaplin
and Oona O'Neill,
um, George Burns and anybody.
(audience laughing)
- I guess you're right.
I think if I found myself
attracted to someone
much younger, I would
probably keep walking,
because I would be afraid
of making a fool of myself.
- That'd be a shame.
- It would?
- Um, well, yes,
because then you wouldn't
know if there might've
been something there.
I mean, there might've
been chemistry...
- Barbara?
- Huh?
- Cut class, spend
the evening with me.
- What?
- We'll see Manhattan
for the fourth time.
- Oh, my mother's
making dinner, and...
- You'll be Mariel Hemingway,
and I'll be Woody Allen.
- Oh, you're too
tall for Woody Allen,
and I'm not skinny
enough for Mariel...
- Come on, it'll be
fun, what do you say?
- Uh, where's it playing?
- We'll find it somewhere.
- Oh, okay, okay.
Um, but after dinner, okay?
And right now, I really
should get to class
but after dinner, okay.
- Woo.
- Hi, bye.
- Bye, sweetie.
I tell ya, there is
something to be said
for nudist colonies.
It must be wonderful
not to worry
about wash-and-wear cycles.
Well, on to the main
event, my crepe ratatouille.
- You wouldn't happen to
need a salad man, would you?
- Oh, monsieur,
your timing is perfect.
- This is indeed an
honor for me to work
with the greatest
chef in all of France.
- In France?
No, no, no, in the world.
Here, open the jar.
- Olives, of course.
Any day now, I
will have it open.
- Ah, monsieur.
(jar banging)
(audience applauding)
Oo la la, now you know
why I am the great chef,
and you are chopping radishes.
All right, tell me about
my cousin Phyllis.
- Well, she's...
- Still fat and dabby, I'll bet.
- No, she's quite
sleek and slender.
- Really?
Gee whiz, I don't think I
wanna talk about her anymore.
- She insisted I be sure to
call her older cousin Ann.
- Older, I must be at
least three years younger.
- I'd say five.
I don't know why,
but I pictured you
as tall and thin and very cold.
- Well, tall and thin
was right. (laughs)
- I must remember
to send cousin Phyllis
a dozen roses for
suggesting I call you.
- I may send her a
daffodil or two myself.
Depending, of course,
on how that salad turns out.
- I'm sorry, I cannot work
under these conditions.
I must have a break.
Why don't we go
over to that living room
couch out there and neck.
- (laughs) Neck?
I haven't heard
that word in years!
- I'm glad I didn't say smooch.
Ann, I'm afraid I'm very
much taken with you.
- Arnold, I'm really
very flattered, but...
- Bu-but, but we just met.
- Yes!
- Listen, Ann, let's
be spontaneous.
Did you see George
Segal and Glenda Jackson
in A Touch of Class?
- A Touch of Class, well,
yes, I think I did see that.
- Remember, from the
moment they saw each other,
they knew there was
something between them.
- Yeah.
- They seized the moment, Ann,
seized it.
- Wait a minute, was
that George Segal
or was that Al Pacino?
I can never...
- Ann, Ann, if you're
gonna talk about it,
the magic will disappear.
- Arnold, you're a
very attractive man,
but we hardly know each other.
Why, you haven't
even seen Indianapolis.
Wouldn't you like
to see Indianapolis?
- Well sure...
- I mean, there's
Monument Circle, and
there's the art museum,
and there's the Speedway.
(knocking) And
there's my mother.
Arnold, after dinner,
I will show you
Indianapolis,
and you'll love it.
You'll just love it.
- After dinner, I...
- What a steal.
What a steal, they had
chili peppers on sale,
so I bought six jars in
case of an emergency.
(audience laughing)
Annie, dear, you
look very flushed.
You know, that kitchen
can get awfully hot.
Say, um, how many times
has your father called?
- He hasn't called, Mom.
- Probably splitting a
Geritol with old blue head.
(audience laughing)
- Look, I'm gonna go
change before dinner, okay?
- Okay, I'll take
care of everything.
Arnold, show me
where you two left off.
- Ah, I think we
were just about ready
for your hot peppers.
- Boy, that oughta
put a little zing in it.
- Everything needs a
little zing, doesn't it?
- You're darn right.
Maybe that's the
problem with my marriage.
Maybe that's the
problem with me.
I think the zing is gone.
- With you?
I doubt it.
(audience groans)
(audience applauding)
- I bet I sound like
some neurotic housewife.
- Yes, you do.
- I do.
- Sure, but you're married,
it comes with the territory.
My wife and I used
to have the most
outrageous, knockabout battles.
- Oh, how did you
learn to handle that?
- We got divorced.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, so was I.
She ran off with another guy.
- Oh boy, I know that feeling.
- Somehow, I thought you would.
- I bet you were so hurt.
- Well, at first I was,
but now I understand
that she had certain
needs and desires
that I just wasn't fulfilling.
Sounds like I have it all
under control, doesn't it?
- (laughs) Well.
- There are some
nights when you need
a lot more than insight.
Hey, I can't believe
I'm telling you all this.
- Oh no, please, I
really do understand.
You know, my husband
doesn't know what
makes me tick, either.
I want to travel,
meet new people,
but he's always so
comfortable in Logansport
with his slippers and pipe
and his Monday Night Football.
(audience laughing)
- It's not too late.
You can still do those things.
You're a very exciting
woman, Katherine.
- Arnold, if I were
20 years younger
(whistles) look out.
(audience laughing)
- You are 20 years younger.
You know who you remind me of?
- Who?
- Audrey Hepburn.
- Audrey Hepburn?
- Audrey Hepburn
in Roman Holiday.
Remember that marvelous
scene when Gregory Peck
took her in his arms
and they did that lovely
waltz around the room?
Come on, let's do it.
- Do, do what?
(audience laughing)
- Waltz.
- Oh waltz.
- There you are, look
at you, in your beautiful
blue gown, the royal
orchestra at your command.
- Oh!
- Princess, you honor me.
(Katherine giggling)
- Arnold, you're insane.
♪ Da da da da dum
♪ Da dum da dum
♪ Da da da da dum ♪
- I don't remember them
waltzing in Roman Holiday.
- Who cares?
♪ Da da da da dum
♪ Da dum de dum dee dee dum
- Ah.
(Schneider whistling)
- That's the best cure I
know for a nosebleed.
- Somethin's cookin' in here!
(audience laughing)
Well, I couldn't
find a recess nipple,
so I put on a cuticle cleat.
(audience laughing)
I wrapped it in tape.
I think it'll hold.
Holy mackerel, look
at this silverware!
You must rate, Arnie.
- Schneider, didn't you
say you had a date tonight?
- Yeah, but she's not
picking me up until 10.
(audience laughing)
So I'll have plenty of
time to affect my toilette.
I may gargle a little mouthwash,
blow dry my hair
and slap on a dash of
♪ Charlie (audience applauding)
- Oh, well, Arnold, I
don't know about you,
but I am starving.
- Famished.
Why don't we have dessert now?
- Why, Rhett, honey, my
mother's right in the next room.
(audience laughing)
Uh, why don't you go tell
her dinner's ready, huh?
- Katherine, are you decent?
- [Katherine] I was,
until you came along.
- Ah, I took advantage of you.
- You did?
- You were in a
vulnerable position.
You just had a fight
with your husband.
Poor man, he must be
miserable with worry over you.
- Oh, he couldn't
care less how upset
and depressed I've been.
Well, two can play at that game.
Arnold, we didn't
finish our waltz.
- There goes the orchestra now.
- After dinner,
you lovesick fool,
when the dance
floor'll be empty.
- Barbara, it's been so
boring here without you.
- Arnold, I've been
thinking about the movie.
- Yeah, so have I.
- I didn't concentrate
very well in class.
- Good, let's get on the
elevator and lock the buttons.
- You're crazy!
You are really crazy.
- [Ann] Where is everybody?
- Oh, right here, Mom.
Hey, look, I got some dessert.
- Oh, terrific.
- Oh, what did you get?
- All right, come -
Lemon meringue pie.
- on everybody, dinner is ready.
- Okay.
- Why don't we all sit down?
Arnold, why don't
you sit right here.
- Oh, fine, right there.
- Well, I'm gonna sit.
- If he sits there,
then I'm gonna sit here.
(audience laughing)
Here we go.
(audience laughing)
- Before we begin,
may I propose a toast?
- Oh, that'd be nice.
- Oh, here here.
- I drink to your
warmth, your kindness,
your generosity, and
I can't think of anyone
I'd rather be having
dinner with tonight than you.
- Aw.
- Isn't that sweet.
- Thank you.
- So the psychiatrist
says, "You keep thinking
"I'm your mother,
when did you first start
"feeling this way?"
And the patient says, "The
other day, when I woke up,
"I had a cup of
coffee for breakfast,
"and this feeling came over
me that you were my mother."
And the doctor says, "That's
ridiculous, it's nonsense.
"A cup of coffee, you
call that a breakfast?"
(women laughing)
- Oh, that's priceless.
- I love it.
- I don't get it, but I
still think it's hysterical.
(audience laughing)
- My goodness, it's
10 o'clock already.
The evening just flew.
- Wow, is it that late?
Wow, well look, why
don't I do the dishes,
and you two go to bed.
You look exhausted.
- Oh darling, no, thank you.
It's very sweet of
you to volunteer
to do the dishes,
darling, it really is,
but you have class in
the morning, so you should
go to bed.
- That's okay.
- And Mom, you
should go to bed, too.
I mean, after all,
you should be leaving
in the morning, right?
- Oh no, I'm never
gonna leave again
as long as I live,
so I'll do the dishes.
- No, Grandma, really,
Grandma, it's my turn, okay.
- It's beddy-bye time
for you, sweetheart.
- All right, I cooked the meal,
I will do the dishes.
- [Barbara] I'll do the dishes.
- (laughing) Didn't
I tell ya they remind
me of the Waltons?
I mean, all they ever
wanna do is the dishes.
(audience laughing)
I thought I'd come up
and, you know, check out
that pipe, and I'd like you
to meet Veronica Mulhaney.
She's a former Miss Glutz Beer.
(audience laughing)
- Glutz Light.
Pleased to meet all of you.
- She's got real gusto.
Believe me, she likes to
go around more than once.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you.
- Hi, I'm Ann
Romano. (air hissing)
What is that?
- Holy Toledo, that's
the pipe in the bathroom.
Now, everybody stay calm!
This is not the time to panic!
(metal clanking)
(water spraying)
This is the time to panic!
Get some towels!
Get a bucket, get a bucket!
- Towels.
- Get a bucket and a mop!
(shouting)
- [Ann] Excuse us.
(audience applauding)
(laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
He told me he was a
maintenance engineer,
so I sort of figured
he was in aerospace.
(audience laughing)
Well, what is this, pancakes?
- Uh, no, it's
crepes ratatouille.
- Oh, you're Spanish.
(audience laughing)
- No, that's the
name of the dish.
- Oh, oh.
It's pretty.
(audience laughing)
- So are you.
You remind me of someone
I met many years ago.
- No matter where I go,
it's still the same old story.
- A fight for love and glory.
♪ A case of do or die
Casablanca, that is my
absolutely favorite movie.
- Yours too?
(audience laughing)
- Ugh, I think that's got it.
I want to tell ya, these
things are really tricky.
Oh boy.
(audience laughing)
- Oh no, Mom, please,
let me borrow the comb.
- May I have the comb, please?
I would like to borrow the comb.
- What the hell is
this, prom night?
(audience laughing)
- Okay, okay,
I'll level with ya.
I've got a date
with Arnold tonight.
- You have a date with him?
- Yes, what's the
matter with that?
- I have a date with him.
- Oh, come on,
sweetheart, don't be silly.
I mean, you're not even nine...
Did he make a play for you?
- Well, yes, sort of, and how!
- So that's why at
the dinner table you
were fighting with...
(audience laughing)
- All we did was waltz.
(Schneider laughing)
- He hit on all three of ya
and all three of ya fell for it!
I mean, an insurance
adjuster from Buffalo
pulled off a triple play!
Ha ha ha.
What a bunch of patsies.
- Okay.
- Can you believe
that guy?
- Of all the nerve!
- I really would like to tell
him a thing or two!
- Yes.
- Let's, okay.
- Watch it girls, he'll sell
ya the Brooklyn Bridge!
- Mr. Arnold Bates!
Where did he go?
- Where's Veronica?
(audience applauding)
- I hope she has a good
time seeing Manhattan.
- Veronica?
- Or A Touch of Class.
- Veronica?
- Maybe Roman Holiday?
(audience laughing)
- Was Veronica with
us in the bathroom?
- Aw, Schneider.
- Aw.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(fanfare music)
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Oh why do I do
these things to myself?
If I could only learn to say no.
- Mom, can I
borrow your sweater?
- No.
- What are you so mad about?
He's only coming
over for dinner.
- Well that is really
easy for you to say.
You don't have to miss class.
- Okay, fine.
- Entertaining an insurance
adjuster from Buffalo
is not my all-time fantasy.
- It isn't, what is?
Don't tell me, it'll
only excite me.
(audience laughing)
Who do you know in Buffalo?
- His name is Mr. Arnold Bates.
He sounded like a
real ninny on the phone.
Your cousin Phyllis
told me to call
and I should look you up
when I come to Indianapolis.
If he's a friend
of cousin Phyllis',
he must be a real ninny.
(doorbell rings)
(groaning) There he is now.
- He even rings the
doorbell like a ninny. (laughs)
(crying)
- [Ann] Mom.
- [Schneider] Katherine?
- Grandma.
(bawling)
(audience laughing)
She's left grandpa again.
- She's only gonna
stay for a little while
- [All] until she finds
a place of her own.
- Hello, everybody.
Lovely day isn't it?
Ann, I've left your father.
But I'm only gonna
stay for a little while
until I can find a
place of my own.
(audience laughing)
Honey, shouldn't this
plant be over here?
- Mom, leave the plant alone.
- Ann, do not pick
on me now, please.
- Mom, I'm sorry you
and daddy had a little tiff
but you caught me at a
really rotten time, and I...
- Little tiff,
little, little tiff?
First degree infidelity
is not a little tiff!
- You been foolin' around?
(audience laughs)
- Not me, him!
- C'mon now mom, you've imagined
these little
infidelities before.
- Ah, no, no, no, no, oh no, no.
This time, I've got proof.
Will you look at this?
Look at this, please.
Here.
- What's that?
- A blue peroxide hair, grown
on Estelle Dumont's head.
I found it on the
defendant's jacket.
(doorbell rings)
- There's the ninny now.
- Don't you talk about
your father that way.
- Never mind.
- Is this yours?
- No, it's not.
- It is now.
Hi Ann, I'm Arnold Bates,
cousin Phyllis sent me.
- Arnold, hi.
Oh, this is really,
it's very sweet of you.
I was just saying, your call
was such a pleasant surprise.
- I'm glad.
(audience laughing)
- The guy even looks
like a ninny, doesn't he?
- No.
Hi, Mr. Bates, I'm Barbara.
- You're Barbara?
Cousin Phyllis thought
you'd be about 12.
You're not 12, Barbara.
- No, I'm not 12.
- And this...
- A very lucky man.
Hello, Mr. Romano.
(audience laughing)
- No, this is Mr. Schneider,
our superintendent.
There is no Mr. Romano.
- There is a Mr. Romano,
and we're separated.
- This is my mother.
She's not quite herself today.
- Katherine Romano, and
I've never felt better in my life.
- Please, sit down.
- How long will you
be in town, Mr. Bates?
- Just overnight, one of
the buildings we insure
had a fire, and they wanted
me to take a look at it.
- Uh oh, you know
what that could be?
That could be arson.
See, a couple of
guys, they get together.
They insure the
building right to the hilt.
Then they get a match
and some kerosene
and poof, double indemnity.
- It was hit by lightning.
- That's a little harder.
That takes about
three or four guys.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, Schneider,
tell me, what is that?
- That's a two-inch,
right-angle joint
with a female thread.
- Uh huh, and why
don't you go use it?
- Oh, the leak
- In the bathroom.
- Leak in the bathroom.
(Schneider laughing)
Well, I might as
well go start dinner.
I am making my
specialty, crepe ratatouille.
- You'll love it, we make
it with hot chili peppers.
- No, we don't.
- Darling, we always make
that with hot chili peppers.
It cleans out your system.
(audience laughing)
- Mom, I would
really appreciate it
if you didn't talk
about my system
in front of company.
- Look, we always...
- And Mom, I am not
running out to the market
to get hot chili peppers.
- Okay, okay, I'll do it.
You'd probably pick out
the mushy ones, anyway.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
- I tell ya, this job's a
little tougher than I thought.
The expansion joint is dishing.
I'm gonna have to
get a recessed nipple.
(audience laughing)
I've never seen one
west of Wilkes Barre.
- Why do I suddenly
feel so drained?
Arnold, I hope you can hold out.
It looks like it's
gonna be a late dinner.
- No problem.
- Great, my class lets
out at eight o'clock,
so I can rush right
home and join you then.
- That'll be nice.
- Oh, before I start
dinner, I gotta get
rid of this laundry.
Barbara, do you
have a little bit of time
before you have to get to class?
- [Barbara] A little bit.
- Terrific, honey, could
you show Mr. Bates
where the wine is?
Maybe he'd like
something to drink.
- Oh, sure, okay.
Let's see what we can find.
You have your choice
of, ha, a light clear rose
or a light clear rose.
- I think I'll
clear, light rose.
- Good. (laughs)
- Let me do that.
So what class
you running off to?
- English lit, we're
studying the poets
of the 19th century.
Right now we're on Shelley.
No, thank you.
- Shelley, now there's
an interesting fella.
Alive, vibrant,
productive, creative,
how many people could
write "We are as clouds
"that veil the midnight moon.
"How restlessly they
speed and gleam and quiver
"streaking the darkness
radiantly, yet soon..."
- "Night closes round
and they are lost forever."
You wouldn't be interested in
taking a midterm, would you?
- No, thank you, I've
already had my share.
- Where did you go to school?
- Oh, Cornell,
Syracuse, Princeton.
- Uh, you must have
wall-to-wall degrees.
- Nary a one, my lass, spent
a semester in each place.
Although I did learn some
great beer-drinking songs.
- You mean you
had all that talent,
why didn't you get your degree?
- 'Cause I spent my
senior year in Paris,
playing piano at Le
Cave, otherwise known
as ze hole in ze wall.
- (laughs) What kind
of music did you play?
- Mostly jazz, some
Cole Porter and Gershwin.
- Ah, Gershwin, I love Gershwin.
- I'll bet you saw
the movie Manhattan.
- Are you kidding?
Three times!
I'm insane about Woody Allen.
- The only false
note in that movie
might have been the
relationship he had
with the 17 year old.
It's hard to believe
that a young gal like that
would be attracted
to a man that age.
(audience groans)
- Why, I think I could
see that happening.
- You could?
- Oh well, yeah, some
of the big love affairs
in history have involved
older men and younger women.
I mean, there's what,
Caesar and Cleopatra,
Charlie Chaplin
and Oona O'Neill,
um, George Burns and anybody.
(audience laughing)
- I guess you're right.
I think if I found myself
attracted to someone
much younger, I would
probably keep walking,
because I would be afraid
of making a fool of myself.
- That'd be a shame.
- It would?
- Um, well, yes,
because then you wouldn't
know if there might've
been something there.
I mean, there might've
been chemistry...
- Barbara?
- Huh?
- Cut class, spend
the evening with me.
- What?
- We'll see Manhattan
for the fourth time.
- Oh, my mother's
making dinner, and...
- You'll be Mariel Hemingway,
and I'll be Woody Allen.
- Oh, you're too
tall for Woody Allen,
and I'm not skinny
enough for Mariel...
- Come on, it'll be
fun, what do you say?
- Uh, where's it playing?
- We'll find it somewhere.
- Oh, okay, okay.
Um, but after dinner, okay?
And right now, I really
should get to class
but after dinner, okay.
- Woo.
- Hi, bye.
- Bye, sweetie.
I tell ya, there is
something to be said
for nudist colonies.
It must be wonderful
not to worry
about wash-and-wear cycles.
Well, on to the main
event, my crepe ratatouille.
- You wouldn't happen to
need a salad man, would you?
- Oh, monsieur,
your timing is perfect.
- This is indeed an
honor for me to work
with the greatest
chef in all of France.
- In France?
No, no, no, in the world.
Here, open the jar.
- Olives, of course.
Any day now, I
will have it open.
- Ah, monsieur.
(jar banging)
(audience applauding)
Oo la la, now you know
why I am the great chef,
and you are chopping radishes.
All right, tell me about
my cousin Phyllis.
- Well, she's...
- Still fat and dabby, I'll bet.
- No, she's quite
sleek and slender.
- Really?
Gee whiz, I don't think I
wanna talk about her anymore.
- She insisted I be sure to
call her older cousin Ann.
- Older, I must be at
least three years younger.
- I'd say five.
I don't know why,
but I pictured you
as tall and thin and very cold.
- Well, tall and thin
was right. (laughs)
- I must remember
to send cousin Phyllis
a dozen roses for
suggesting I call you.
- I may send her a
daffodil or two myself.
Depending, of course,
on how that salad turns out.
- I'm sorry, I cannot work
under these conditions.
I must have a break.
Why don't we go
over to that living room
couch out there and neck.
- (laughs) Neck?
I haven't heard
that word in years!
- I'm glad I didn't say smooch.
Ann, I'm afraid I'm very
much taken with you.
- Arnold, I'm really
very flattered, but...
- Bu-but, but we just met.
- Yes!
- Listen, Ann, let's
be spontaneous.
Did you see George
Segal and Glenda Jackson
in A Touch of Class?
- A Touch of Class, well,
yes, I think I did see that.
- Remember, from the
moment they saw each other,
they knew there was
something between them.
- Yeah.
- They seized the moment, Ann,
seized it.
- Wait a minute, was
that George Segal
or was that Al Pacino?
I can never...
- Ann, Ann, if you're
gonna talk about it,
the magic will disappear.
- Arnold, you're a
very attractive man,
but we hardly know each other.
Why, you haven't
even seen Indianapolis.
Wouldn't you like
to see Indianapolis?
- Well sure...
- I mean, there's
Monument Circle, and
there's the art museum,
and there's the Speedway.
(knocking) And
there's my mother.
Arnold, after dinner,
I will show you
Indianapolis,
and you'll love it.
You'll just love it.
- After dinner, I...
- What a steal.
What a steal, they had
chili peppers on sale,
so I bought six jars in
case of an emergency.
(audience laughing)
Annie, dear, you
look very flushed.
You know, that kitchen
can get awfully hot.
Say, um, how many times
has your father called?
- He hasn't called, Mom.
- Probably splitting a
Geritol with old blue head.
(audience laughing)
- Look, I'm gonna go
change before dinner, okay?
- Okay, I'll take
care of everything.
Arnold, show me
where you two left off.
- Ah, I think we
were just about ready
for your hot peppers.
- Boy, that oughta
put a little zing in it.
- Everything needs a
little zing, doesn't it?
- You're darn right.
Maybe that's the
problem with my marriage.
Maybe that's the
problem with me.
I think the zing is gone.
- With you?
I doubt it.
(audience groans)
(audience applauding)
- I bet I sound like
some neurotic housewife.
- Yes, you do.
- I do.
- Sure, but you're married,
it comes with the territory.
My wife and I used
to have the most
outrageous, knockabout battles.
- Oh, how did you
learn to handle that?
- We got divorced.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, so was I.
She ran off with another guy.
- Oh boy, I know that feeling.
- Somehow, I thought you would.
- I bet you were so hurt.
- Well, at first I was,
but now I understand
that she had certain
needs and desires
that I just wasn't fulfilling.
Sounds like I have it all
under control, doesn't it?
- (laughs) Well.
- There are some
nights when you need
a lot more than insight.
Hey, I can't believe
I'm telling you all this.
- Oh no, please, I
really do understand.
You know, my husband
doesn't know what
makes me tick, either.
I want to travel,
meet new people,
but he's always so
comfortable in Logansport
with his slippers and pipe
and his Monday Night Football.
(audience laughing)
- It's not too late.
You can still do those things.
You're a very exciting
woman, Katherine.
- Arnold, if I were
20 years younger
(whistles) look out.
(audience laughing)
- You are 20 years younger.
You know who you remind me of?
- Who?
- Audrey Hepburn.
- Audrey Hepburn?
- Audrey Hepburn
in Roman Holiday.
Remember that marvelous
scene when Gregory Peck
took her in his arms
and they did that lovely
waltz around the room?
Come on, let's do it.
- Do, do what?
(audience laughing)
- Waltz.
- Oh waltz.
- There you are, look
at you, in your beautiful
blue gown, the royal
orchestra at your command.
- Oh!
- Princess, you honor me.
(Katherine giggling)
- Arnold, you're insane.
♪ Da da da da dum
♪ Da dum da dum
♪ Da da da da dum ♪
- I don't remember them
waltzing in Roman Holiday.
- Who cares?
♪ Da da da da dum
♪ Da dum de dum dee dee dum
- Ah.
(Schneider whistling)
- That's the best cure I
know for a nosebleed.
- Somethin's cookin' in here!
(audience laughing)
Well, I couldn't
find a recess nipple,
so I put on a cuticle cleat.
(audience laughing)
I wrapped it in tape.
I think it'll hold.
Holy mackerel, look
at this silverware!
You must rate, Arnie.
- Schneider, didn't you
say you had a date tonight?
- Yeah, but she's not
picking me up until 10.
(audience laughing)
So I'll have plenty of
time to affect my toilette.
I may gargle a little mouthwash,
blow dry my hair
and slap on a dash of
♪ Charlie (audience applauding)
- Oh, well, Arnold, I
don't know about you,
but I am starving.
- Famished.
Why don't we have dessert now?
- Why, Rhett, honey, my
mother's right in the next room.
(audience laughing)
Uh, why don't you go tell
her dinner's ready, huh?
- Katherine, are you decent?
- [Katherine] I was,
until you came along.
- Ah, I took advantage of you.
- You did?
- You were in a
vulnerable position.
You just had a fight
with your husband.
Poor man, he must be
miserable with worry over you.
- Oh, he couldn't
care less how upset
and depressed I've been.
Well, two can play at that game.
Arnold, we didn't
finish our waltz.
- There goes the orchestra now.
- After dinner,
you lovesick fool,
when the dance
floor'll be empty.
- Barbara, it's been so
boring here without you.
- Arnold, I've been
thinking about the movie.
- Yeah, so have I.
- I didn't concentrate
very well in class.
- Good, let's get on the
elevator and lock the buttons.
- You're crazy!
You are really crazy.
- [Ann] Where is everybody?
- Oh, right here, Mom.
Hey, look, I got some dessert.
- Oh, terrific.
- Oh, what did you get?
- All right, come -
Lemon meringue pie.
- on everybody, dinner is ready.
- Okay.
- Why don't we all sit down?
Arnold, why don't
you sit right here.
- Oh, fine, right there.
- Well, I'm gonna sit.
- If he sits there,
then I'm gonna sit here.
(audience laughing)
Here we go.
(audience laughing)
- Before we begin,
may I propose a toast?
- Oh, that'd be nice.
- Oh, here here.
- I drink to your
warmth, your kindness,
your generosity, and
I can't think of anyone
I'd rather be having
dinner with tonight than you.
- Aw.
- Isn't that sweet.
- Thank you.
- So the psychiatrist
says, "You keep thinking
"I'm your mother,
when did you first start
"feeling this way?"
And the patient says, "The
other day, when I woke up,
"I had a cup of
coffee for breakfast,
"and this feeling came over
me that you were my mother."
And the doctor says, "That's
ridiculous, it's nonsense.
"A cup of coffee, you
call that a breakfast?"
(women laughing)
- Oh, that's priceless.
- I love it.
- I don't get it, but I
still think it's hysterical.
(audience laughing)
- My goodness, it's
10 o'clock already.
The evening just flew.
- Wow, is it that late?
Wow, well look, why
don't I do the dishes,
and you two go to bed.
You look exhausted.
- Oh darling, no, thank you.
It's very sweet of
you to volunteer
to do the dishes,
darling, it really is,
but you have class in
the morning, so you should
go to bed.
- That's okay.
- And Mom, you
should go to bed, too.
I mean, after all,
you should be leaving
in the morning, right?
- Oh no, I'm never
gonna leave again
as long as I live,
so I'll do the dishes.
- No, Grandma, really,
Grandma, it's my turn, okay.
- It's beddy-bye time
for you, sweetheart.
- All right, I cooked the meal,
I will do the dishes.
- [Barbara] I'll do the dishes.
- (laughing) Didn't
I tell ya they remind
me of the Waltons?
I mean, all they ever
wanna do is the dishes.
(audience laughing)
I thought I'd come up
and, you know, check out
that pipe, and I'd like you
to meet Veronica Mulhaney.
She's a former Miss Glutz Beer.
(audience laughing)
- Glutz Light.
Pleased to meet all of you.
- She's got real gusto.
Believe me, she likes to
go around more than once.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you.
- Hi, I'm Ann
Romano. (air hissing)
What is that?
- Holy Toledo, that's
the pipe in the bathroom.
Now, everybody stay calm!
This is not the time to panic!
(metal clanking)
(water spraying)
This is the time to panic!
Get some towels!
Get a bucket, get a bucket!
- Towels.
- Get a bucket and a mop!
(shouting)
- [Ann] Excuse us.
(audience applauding)
(laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
He told me he was a
maintenance engineer,
so I sort of figured
he was in aerospace.
(audience laughing)
Well, what is this, pancakes?
- Uh, no, it's
crepes ratatouille.
- Oh, you're Spanish.
(audience laughing)
- No, that's the
name of the dish.
- Oh, oh.
It's pretty.
(audience laughing)
- So are you.
You remind me of someone
I met many years ago.
- No matter where I go,
it's still the same old story.
- A fight for love and glory.
♪ A case of do or die
Casablanca, that is my
absolutely favorite movie.
- Yours too?
(audience laughing)
- Ugh, I think that's got it.
I want to tell ya, these
things are really tricky.
Oh boy.
(audience laughing)
- Oh no, Mom, please,
let me borrow the comb.
- May I have the comb, please?
I would like to borrow the comb.
- What the hell is
this, prom night?
(audience laughing)
- Okay, okay,
I'll level with ya.
I've got a date
with Arnold tonight.
- You have a date with him?
- Yes, what's the
matter with that?
- I have a date with him.
- Oh, come on,
sweetheart, don't be silly.
I mean, you're not even nine...
Did he make a play for you?
- Well, yes, sort of, and how!
- So that's why at
the dinner table you
were fighting with...
(audience laughing)
- All we did was waltz.
(Schneider laughing)
- He hit on all three of ya
and all three of ya fell for it!
I mean, an insurance
adjuster from Buffalo
pulled off a triple play!
Ha ha ha.
What a bunch of patsies.
- Okay.
- Can you believe
that guy?
- Of all the nerve!
- I really would like to tell
him a thing or two!
- Yes.
- Let's, okay.
- Watch it girls, he'll sell
ya the Brooklyn Bridge!
- Mr. Arnold Bates!
Where did he go?
- Where's Veronica?
(audience applauding)
- I hope she has a good
time seeing Manhattan.
- Veronica?
- Or A Touch of Class.
- Veronica?
- Maybe Roman Holiday?
(audience laughing)
- Was Veronica with
us in the bathroom?
- Aw, Schneider.
- Aw.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(fanfare music)