One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 12 - Happy New Year II - full transcript

Another year and another show at the retirement home.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

(phone rings)

- Okay.

(phone rings)

All right, I'm coming.

All right, don't hang up now.

I'll kill you.

(phone rings)

Oh, thank you, Barbara,
the phone is ringing.

(phone rings)

(audience laughs)

How come you didn't answer it?

- Because it's Elliot.

(phone rings)

See, he asked me to go
to this New Year's Eve party

and I told him
to call back later

in case I get a better offer.

(audience laughs)

Well, I didn't quite
put it that way.

(phone rings)

- Could be somebody else?

- No, it's Elliot.

(phone rings)

(audience laughs)

- Ohhhh, I can't stand it.



(audience laughs)

Uh, hi there, Elliot.

Well, I saw her here
just a few minutes ago

so why don't you let me give
another look around, okay?


No, well, gee whiz,
can't see her now.

(audience laughs)

Um, yeah, you're
gonna have to call again.

Thanks, Elliot.

Bye bye.

I'm sorry.

- Quite all right.

- Shh, shhhh.

- Why?

- You guys, if you don't have
any plans for New Year's Eve,

you're in a lot of trouble.

- What are you talking about?

- They're comin' to get us.

- Who's coming?

- Emily and Orville, that's who.

- Who?

- Those two sweet old folks
from that retirement hotel.

I seen 'em down in the lobby.

They're making a
beeline for this apartment.

They should be
here in a half an hour.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, why
are we afraid of them?

- Because they're
bringing cookies.

- Pardon me?

- Because they're gonna ask us

to do another New
Year's Eve show for them.

- Ohhhh, yeah,
you're probably right.

That show was fun to do,
but, whew, a lot of work.

- Oh, I don't mind the work.

I got other problems.

Me and Beerbelly, we were
down at Bonnie's Cafe there.

We were fooling around
with these two waitresses.

We invited them up to my
cabin for New Year's Eve

and they both accepted (laughs).

(audience laughs)

- Well, what's the
problem, tiger?

- Getting rid of Beerbelly.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- Oh, don't let them in.

You know how I
love those cookies.

Please don't let them in.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

I guess you don't remember me.

- Awww, get out of here.

- Oh, okay.

(audience laughs)

- Come, no.

Of course we remember you.

- Oh, that's very flattering.

Boy, you sure have grown
into a fine young woman.

Emily, you remember Barbara?

- No, I'm Ann.

I'm Barbara's mother.

- That's amazing.

Boy, time sure is
marching backwards for you.

(audience laughs)

- Orville, I don't think

she wants to listen
to that baloney.

- I really don't mind at all.

Come on in.

- Oh, come on in.

- You remember Barbara, right?

- Oh, sure.

- And this is Mr. Schneider.

- [Both] Hi.

- Can I take your coats?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, we
just stopped by to say hello.

We can't stay.

- Yes, we can.

- Okay.

(audience laughs)

- Brought you some Toll House
cookies, homemade, still warm.

- Thank you, Emily.

- I gotta go do some work.

- I left some by your door.

(Schneider groans)

(audience laughs)

- Why don't you sit down?

Emily, Orville, I'll put
these out on a plate.

- Sit right over there.

Hey, I seen in the paper
where Julie got married,

some airline fella.

- Oh, right.

In fact, she's in Colorado
with my dad skiing.

- Yeah, Max is stuck here
'cause the airline needs him

to handle the holiday crush.

- Oh.

- Well, so how are
things at the hotel?

- Oh, well, we've got a
few new wrinkles. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- I'm so tired of that old joke.

(audience laughs)

- We keep busy, you know,
watching TV, watering the plants,

buying sympathy cards.

(audience laughs)

- Tell them about
the engagement.

- Who got engaged?

- We did.

(audience laughs)

- That was six months ago.

- Well, that's wonderful.


- Yeah, when's the wedding?

- Oh, there's no hurry.

At our age, it's
more fun living in sin.

(audience laughs)

- More living than sinning.

(audience laughs)

- I'm tired of that joke.

- Can I get you anything?

- No, no, no, we just happened
to be in the neighborhood.

Wouldn't think of it.

- We didn't just happen
to be in the neighborhood.

Get to the point.

- Well, we want to
know if you'll come down

and do another New Year's
Eve show for us at the hotel.

- Yeah, please.

- Oh, well, we would
love to do a show.

- Oh, I knew it.

I told ya they wouldn't
let us down, Emily.

- Orville, Emily, it was
a lot of fun doing a show

that one time.

But, see, well, it was a
tremendous amount of work

and it's the holiday season

and, well, we just
have other plans.

- I told ya she'd
give us the brush.

- Oh, now come on,
Emily, that's not fair.

You know, these
are important people.

They've gone and
made some plans.

Look, we can always have
another canasta tournament.

- They're giving
us both barrels.

- Hang tough.

- We'll see you around sometime.

- Well, of course, Orville.

Maybe next year?

- Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah.

If there is a next year.

- Hi!

- [All] Hi!

- What a surprise.

You know, Mom, I wish
you'd call sometimes.

I really wish you...

This is Emily and Orville.

This is my mother.

- How do you do?
- Nice to meet you.

- We're from the
retirement hotel.

You know, they did a show
for us a couple of years ago.

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, Annie told me
how much fun that was.

Oh, hey, you're gonna
do another show this year?

Could I be in it?

- Uh, no, Mom, as a
matter of fact, we're not...

- You know something?

I was Tinkerbell
in the PTA musical.

Oh, I just loved
dancing and (whistles).

(audience laughs)

- You sure got the
legs for it. (laughs)

- Aw, you're putting me on.

- Oh no, I've always
gone for them

tall, long-legged beauties.

- Orville?

- And the petite,
short-legged ones, too.

(audience laughs)

- Well, thank you for coming by.

- Hey, what's the hurry?

Come on, let's
talk about the show.

- Mom, we have
other plans, okay?

- Plans, what...

- Name me one petite,
short-legged dancer.

- The little French
guy on Fantasy Island.

(audience laughs)

- What plans have you
got for New Year's Eve?

You told me you were just
gonna curl up with a good book.

- Well, Mom, that's a plan.

Look, we just don't have
time to do the show, okay?

- Boy, that sure gives
me a look into my future.

You're already phoning
me less and less, you know.

- Oh, Mom.

- Uh oh, Orville
forgot his muffler.

- I bet he didn't forget it.

I bet it's just another excuse
to give us another chance

to do the show.

- Barbara, would you
take that back tomorrow

on your way to school?

- Oh no, no, no,
Mom, please, please.

I'm not gonna go into that den

of sweet, smiling,
friendly old people.

- Okay, I'll drop it by.

- No, Mom, that wouldn't work.

What we need is a tough,
mean, ornery Scrooge.

- I've had it.

(audience laughs)

That's it, I quit.

That was the worst
flight I've ever worked

in my entire life.

Geriatric special to Florida?

Rowdy, ho ho!

Singing, dancing,
jumping, pinching,

running around in the aisles.

Those old people
ran my butt off.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, Max.

We have a little errand for you.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Mother, would you stop that?

(audience laughs)

Mother, would please just
put that rocking chair back

in my room?

(audience laughs)

Mom, we are not going
over there to do the show

for those people and I
do not feel guilty about it.


(audience laughs)

- All right, all right, I do
feel a little guilty about it.

Yeah, all right, but we
can't do the show ourselves

and Julie's not here
and Barbara's got a date.

- Only if I go with Elliot.

Besides, I've been
thinking, Mom,

it was an awful lot of
fun to put on that show.

- See, see, Annie, that was fun.

It was a fun show.
- It was fun.

Mom, would you, yeah, Mom.

(audience laughs)

It was fun.

You were right,
but oh, I don't know.

I mean, we'd have
to think of what to do.

- Hi, girls.

- Hi, Schneider.
- Hello.

- I need comfort.

I need hand-holding.

I need solace.

- What's the matter?

- Uh, the trip to
the cabin is off.

Beerbelly got the flu

and I can't go up there
with those two women.

- Well, I thought that's
what you wanted, tiger.

- Well, I did, but I
found out they're related.

And that's borderline kinky.

(audience laughs)

- Well, that leaves only Max.

- Oh, now come on, Mom.

Max is certainly not gonna...

(knocking on door)

- I'll get that.

- Hey, Dwayne.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, come in.

- You know, those old
people are so sweet.

(audience applauds)

- Emily, dear, this is my chair.

- Evidently you didn't
read the bulletin board.

There are no reserved seats.

- But I was here first.

- Orville, throw
her out of my chair.

- What difference does it make?

Will you please sit down?

- Well, this one doesn't
have any padding on it.

- Well, that's hardly any
problem for you, dear.

(audience laughs)

- Will you stop it,
the both of you?

I gotta start the show.


(piano music)

Okay, come on,
everybody, sit down.

Come on, everybody sit
down and get comfortable.


Now it's my very great
pleasure to introduce to you

a man who was voted
Entertainer of the Year

by the Greater Indianapolis
Janitorial Association.

(audience laughs)

The one, the only Dwayne
"Crazy Lips" Schneider.

(everyone applauds)

- Hey, how are ya?

How are my old fans and friends?

Happy new year, everybody, okay?

I wanna tell you
that my troupe and I,

we're really happy to be back
playing the Park Utopia Hotel.

Of course, last time I was
here, I got a parking ticket.

(laughs) Left my Jaguar outside

and it tried to make
it with a Cougar.

(everyone laughs)

There, that's the way.

Yesiree, well, they had a little
Volkswagen Rabbit together,

but talking about pets,
I used to have a dog.

We called him Carpenter (laughs)

'cause he kept doing
odd jobs around the house.

(rimshot, everyone laughs)

Anyway, course we finally
got him housebroken, you know,

and then we had
to change his name.

We changed his name to Tinsmith

'cause he kept making
a bolt for the door.

(everyone laughs)

You know, bolt right
out, that's an old joke.

Anyway, I wanna tell you,
just hold your knuckles,

'cause I'm cracking 'em tonight.

(everyone laughs)

I tell you what, if you're
really a good audience,

really a good
audience, after the show,

I'll take you down to the
henhouse, we'll feel a warm egg.

Huh, what do you say?

(rimshot, everyone laughs)

There's a yolk in there!

(everyone laughs)

But talking about
fiddling around,

I'm very happy at this point
in the show to bring on now

a great international artist,

the famous
international cellist.

Please join me in
welcoming Madam Ossini.

(everyone applauds)

There you go,
Madam, there you go.

Put the ol' Ossini on that one.

(everyone laughs)

- Oh my. (laughs)



(everyone applauds)

(everyone laughs)

(high-pitched music)

♪ Put your arms around me, honey

♪ And hold me tight

♪ Huddle up and cuddle up

♪ With all your might
(everyone laughs)

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ I never knew

♪ Any boy like you

(everyone applauds)

- Madam Ossini!

- I want one more.

- No, no, that's okay.

- One more, let me do one more.

- I think that's enough for now.

- How 'bout one more?

- That's okay.

Just go outside there
and tell your bow.

(audience laughs)

Don't worry, Madam
Ossini'll be back a little later

and she's gonna play
our national anthem

O Say Can You Saw.

(everyone laughs)

Hey, I tell ya, I
just love doing this.

Now we're gonna bring
out for you a great act.

In the tradition of Sally
Rand and Gypsy Rose Lee,

direct from Indianapolis,

making a personal,
private pit stop for you

is the sexy, sensuous,
sultry Miss Cuddles Cooper.

(drumming and cheering)

♪ The minute you
walked in the joint

♪ I could see you
were a man of distinction

♪ A real big spender

♪ Good looking, so refined

♪ Say, wouldn't you like to know

♪ What's going on in my mind

♪ So let me get
right to the point

♪ I don't pop my
cork for every guy I see

♪ Hey, big spender

♪ Spend ♪ A little time with me


♪ Wouldn't you like to have fun

(audience laughs)

♪ Fun, fun

♪ How's about a
few laughs, laughs?

(man sneezes)

♪ I can show you a good time

♪ Good time

♪ Hey, big spender

♪ Hey, big spender

♪ Hey, big spender

♪ Spend

♪ A little time with me

♪ Spend a little time with me

♪ Spend a little time with me

(everyone applauds)

Thank you, thank
you all so much.

You're too kind here.

The other glove for a souvenir.

Okay, now it is my pleasure,
my really big pleasure

to introduce to you

the best song and
dance team in the country,

Schneider and Horvath.

♪ We're back again,
hey, we're back again

♪ Among the dear
old friends we know

♪ Fond friends greeting us

♪ Fond smiles meeting us

♪ Hello, cheerio,
is everybody happy?

♪ 'Cause we're back
again, hey, we're back again

♪ And we want you all to know

♪ That it was worth the going

♪ Just to come back knowing

♪ We're welcome back again

- Hey, how are ya?

- Hey, good to meet ya.

How ya doing?

- Good to see you there, yeah.

♪ Hello, cheerio,
is everybody happy?

♪ 'Cause we're back
again, hey, we're back again

♪ And we want you all to know

♪ That it was worth the going

♪ Just to come back knowing

♪ That we're welcome back again

(everyone cheers and applauds)

- Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

That's it.

What do you say, huh?

(everyone laughs)

Well, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's certainly a
pleasure to be here.

- It certainly is a
pleasure to be here

and I'm very happy to be here

because this could
be my last show.

- Why?

- Well, I went to see
my doctor this morning.

- What'd he say?

- He only gave me
three months to live.

- Don't pay your bill.

He'll give you
three more months.

(rimshot, everyone laughs)

- Tried to blow the wrong end.

- Hey!

Talking about doctors.

- Yes.

- My wife went to
the doctor yesterday.

He told her she had to
have sex three, count them,

three times a week.

- Three times a week?

Terrific, put me
down for Thursday.

(everyone laughs)

- Get back here.

- How 'bout Wednesday afternoon?

- What a guy, huh?

Speaking about Thursday.

- Yes, Thursday.

- I went to see my
doctor Tuesday.

He told me I
needed an operation.

- Wait a second, did
you get another opinion?

- Yes, I did.

He told me I was ugly.

- [Both] Whoa.

(rimshot, everyone laughs)

- Hey, maestro.

♪ We're back again,
hey, we're back again

♪ And we want you all to know

♪ That it was worth the going

♪ Just to come back knowing

♪ That we're welcome back

♪ We're welcome back

♪ We're welcome back again

(everyone applauds)

(everyone laughs)

- Aw, you're too kind.

You're too kind.
- Terrific, you're terrific.

- Too kind.

Souvenir of the occasion, hey.

- Hey.
- Hey, ho!

Now ladies and gentlemen,
we want to bring out

one great act for you and
here they are, The Triplets.

(whimsical music)

♪ Three little
unexpected children

♪ Simultaneously
the doctor brought us

♪ And you can see
that we'll be three forever

♪ And A-E-I-O-U ♪
Would know how agonizing

♪ Being triple can be

♪ Each one is individually

♪ The victim of
that clinical day E, I,

♪ We do everything
alike ♪ We look alike

♪ We dress alike, we
walk alike, we talk alike

♪ And what is more

♪ We hate each other very much

♪ We hate our folks
♪ We're sick of jokes

♪ On what an art
it is to tell us apart

♪ If one of us gets the measles

♪ Another one gets the measles

♪ Then all of gets the
measles and mumps and croup

♪ How I wish I had
a gun ♪ A little gun

♪ It would be fun to shoot
the other two and be only one

♪ Mrs. Hassencooper loves
to talk to Mrs. Hildendorfer

♪ Of the fatal natal
day she had her silly Willy

♪ Mrs. Goldenbasser loves
to talk to Mrs. Hildendorfer

♪ Of her major operation
when she had her twins

♪ But when mother comes
along she silences the others

♪ She accomplished something
that is very rare in mothers

♪ People hold us

♪ Now we get her
to the baby carriage

(laughter drowns out singing)

♪ Perambulator ♪
MGM has got a leo

♪ But Mama has got a trio

♪ She is proud but
says three is a crowd

♪ Oh, we do everything alike

♪ We look alike

♪ We dress alike, we
walk alike, we talk alike

♪ And what is more

♪ We hate each other very much

♪ We hate our folks
♪ We're sick of jokes

♪ On what an art
it is to tell us apart

♪ We eat the
same kind of vittles

♪ We drink the
same kind of bottles

♪ We sit in the
same kind of high chair

♪ High chair, high chair

♪ How I wish I had
a gun ♪ A little gun

♪ It would be fun to shoot
the other two and be only one

(everyone applauds and cheers)

- Wait, wait!

Wait, wait, only 10
seconds until midnight.

- [Schneider] 10 seconds!


- [All] Four, three, two, one,

happy new year!

(everyone applauds and cheers)

♪ Be forgot ♪ And
never brought to mind

♪ Should old acquaintance be

(jazzy music)

(triumphant music)