One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 6 - Yes Sir, That's My Baby - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So and have a
ball ♪ Well this is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time

(doorbell)

(doorbell)

- You know when we kiss,

I actually think I
hear bells ringing.

- Maybe that's because
you're pushing me

against the doorbell Cliff.



- Oh.

- Hello mother.

- Hi Miss Romano,
what are you doing?

- Same as you Cliff,

just getting the
old blood racing.

Julie.

That is obscene.

I have been
working out, dieting,

keeping in shape,
and you are sitting there

feeding one end and
sitting on the other.

Do you have any idea what
you are doing to your body?

- Yeah, I just
lost three pounds.

- Julie.

Shut up.

(doorbell ringing)

- I didn't know Barbara
could hold her breath that long.

(laughter)

- Only with Cliff Randall.

Barbara, exhale!

(doorbell)

Nobody has held a kiss that long

since you and Johnny
Grainger locked braces.

- Just saying goodbye to Cliff.

- I thought you guys had a date?

- Yeah, well, he'll be back.

He went to get a quart of oil.

- That big goodbye
was to get a quart of oil?

- These are uncertain
times mother.

- I think I'll go brush my hair.

(doorbell)

Cliff?

- It's probably
just the doorbell.

You got it all worked up.

(laughter)

- Oh, I forgot, that's
probably Sally Chadwick.

She phoned, she's in town.

- No kidding, Sally,
what a terrific surprise!

- I haven't heard
from her in over a year!

- I haven't seen her
since we left Logansport.

- Barbara!

- Sally, what have
you been up to?!

I think I know what
you've been up to.

Come on in.

- Thanks.

Hi Miss Romano!

Hiya Julie!

- Sally, you got married!

- Now why would I
do a thing like that?

- You're not married?

- No.

- You don't have a...
- Nope.

- You just...
- Right.

- Congratulations I think.

Where he's old Sally
and her new baby!

Isn't that terrific?

- So Sally.

- So Sally,

that's a baby.

- Oh yeah that's a baby alright.

Isn't that a baby?

The last time I saw you
you were into ceramics.

- Hello there.

- Michael.

- Michael.

- Oh he's adorable.

- You wanna see?

- Oh I'd love to.

Well Michael, you
certainly are a big

surprise to us.

- That's exactly
what my parents said.

- Sally, how did it happen?

- Oh the usual way.

- You know, he looks a
little like Frankie Mendoza.

- Julie.

- Carlo Slattery.

- Sally, this is a
bit of a surprise.

I mean, I never thought
you'd gone with anybody.

- Well it wasn't
anything serious.

- Well I must say Sally your
attitude is very interesting.

- Yeah, you seem so up.

- Well why shouldn't I be?

I mean Michael is fantastic.

Just look at him.

- Oh yeah, he's adorable.

Makes you kinda want one.

- Ugh, Barbara.

- I thought about putting
him up for adoption.

In fact the whole
thing was planned but,

I just can't do it.

- Sally, tell me something.

What did your folks have to say?

- Well my mom cried...
- And your dad?

- He cried louder.

I mean they tried to
help and understand but,

why should they
pay for my mistake?

So, here we are, Mikey and me.

It's sort of an adventure.

- Sally...
- Oh ma, isn't he darling?

- Yeah.

Yeah he certainly is.

- He looks like a
young Al Pacino.

- People tell me
that all the time.

- Schneider, we're
talking about the baby.

- The what?

- The baby.

- The baby.

Oh, little bambino!

- Schneider this is Sally
Chadwick and Michael.

- Michael, is he yours?

You're not much
bigger than him yourself.

How are ya?

Hiya there Mike, how are ya?

Coochie coochie coo.

I see you.

Coochie coochie
kee can you see me?

(laughter)

(gibberish)

Ahh, he's got my hair!

Little hair wrestler you.

That's some little
boy you got there.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, look at the
shoulders on him,

he looks like a line backer.

- Bronco Wilson.

- Julie.

- What does your husband do?

What is he an athlete?

- Schneider, did you
come in here for a reason?

- Oh yeah, brought up your mail.

You've got some bills
there and some mail

and got a postcard from...

I can't, who is that from?

- Goodbye.

- That's okay.

Listen, I've got a baseball
bat down in my room.

I know the kids kinda small,

but before you know it,

he'll be out there hitting
fungals with his old man.

- Schneider...

- My old man and me
we were really close.

I used to go to the park
with him every Sunday.

We'd play hide and seek.

Sometimes I couldn't
find him for hours.

(laughter)

- That's heartwarming.

Schneider...

- You know I really
miss my old man.

I haven't seen
him in a long time.

He's dead.

I remember I
promised him I'd go visit

the grave every once in a while.

Put a little beer
in the flower cup.

- Why don't you go do that.

- Keeps the snails away.

I tell ya,

family is the backbone
of America Sally.

Put it there kid.

Hey a married woman
should have a ring.

You tell your hubby to
save up and buy you a ring.

You know what I mean?

Symbols, symbols
are very important.

Tool belt, plumber.

Ring, married woman.

Lock, privacy.

- Goodbye...
- Schneider.

(applause)

- Sally.

Schneider, well
he tends to be...

- A little...
- Much.

- Yeah.

- Oh it's okay, I'm used to it.

- Gonna go back to school?

- Well how can I?

I mean I've gotta support Mikey.

Besides, I wouldn't
fit in anymore anyway.

I mean, three's a
crowd on a date right?

- Yeah, I guess
it's a little hard

to get into disco when
you're changing diapers.

- I just hope I'm doing
the right thing for Mikey.

- Sally, if it'll make
you feel any better,

I think you are.

I mean after all,
you're his mother

and it's his life.

- Right.

It's his life.

But what about my life?

I mean I'm only 17.

I was gonna be the
first woman in my family

to pass the bar.

And now I can't even
finish high school.

- Oh Sally, come
on, sit down honey.

Come on.

- I mean I don't have
a high school diploma

so I can't get a decent job.

And I can't support Mikey.

But I can't give him up.

And I'm trapped.

- Awe Sally, it's gonna be okay.

- Sally, what about
Michael's father?

- What about hiM?

I mean while I'm
trying to raise a child

he's trying to get his
varsity letter in track.

- Guys!

Why can't they get
pregnant once in a while?

- The guy did what
he thought was right.

He offered to pay
for an abortion.

But I couldn't go
through with it.

And then he started
talking about marriage.

I mean why make
one more mistake?

We decided that adoption
was the best thing.

But once I saw Mikey,

I couldn't do it.

I mean he has no
idea I kept the baby.

- You didn't tell him?

- No, I didn't wanna
bring him into it again.

I mean this was my decision.

I've gotta do it on my own.

- Sally look,

if we could do anything
please you know?

- Well I've got a job
interview in a few minutes

and I can't walk
in with Michael.

Would you mind...

- Of course, we'd be
glad to look after him.

- Oh thanks.

- I'm probably
a little rusty but

I still I can figure out
which end is which.

Although I've never had a boy.

- Well for your own protection,

just make sure you
keep the diaper over...

- Yes I've heard about that.

- Well there are plenty
of diapers in there

and some toys.

- What about food?

- Oh he's breastfed.

- Don't look at me.

- It's alright, I just fed him.

Besides, I won't
be gone that long.

It's just a couple of blocks.

- Great, this will be fun.

I can play with him, Julie
can sing him to sleep,

and mom can change him.

- I thought you had a date?

- Oh yeah right.

Sally, I gotta get ready but,

I won't be very long and,

don't leave until we can
have a nice talk okay?

- Okay.

- Good luck with the interview.

- Thanks.

Good luck with the date.

- See ya later.

- Well, I guess I'd better go.

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

- Willy Ferrell.

- Julie, quit guessing.

I'm sure it's nobody you know.

Just a guy I met last
summer at the lake.

His name's Cliff Randall.

(applause)

- Oh my God.

Cliff.

What are we gonna
say to Barbara?

- What's Barbara
gonna say to Cliff?

- I just can't believe this.

Cliff.

- What can't you
believe about Cliff?

Hello?

What's the matter?

What happened?

Did he have an accident?

- No, no honey, there's
nothing wrong with Cliff.

Physically.

- That's for sure.

(laughter)

- What we were
trying to say was that

we couldn't
believe that Cliff...

- Likes you more than his car!

I mean, all of his
ex-girlfriends can't believe

that he likes you
more than his Chevy.

- Well that's not true.

And anyway, how many girls
know Cliff better than I do?

- One.

- At least.

Oh god, if Sally comes
back here when Cliff is here,

this whole thing
is gonna blow up.

Barbara will be hurt.

She's gotta know.

- Ma, well you
should have told her.

- Maybe Cliff should tell her.

- Oh yeah, well
who's gonna tell Cliff?

- Any way you
look at it it's a mess!

- Ma, you know, it
is amazing how many

young girls don't
know the score.

Would you remind
me to appreciate you?

- Why?

- Well at least you talk to us.

Girls, don't do it but
if you do, here's how.

(laughter)

- I don't think that
was quite my message.

(doorbell)

Don't shake hands with him.

- Hi Miss Romano, hi Julie.

(laughter)

What's the matter,
what did I do?

- Nothing.

- Look, is Barbara ready yet?

- Almost.

- Good, it always
makes me nervous

when a chic is late.

Hey a baby!

Where'd you come from?

- Cliff we're just babysitting.

His mother is an old
friend of Barbara's.

- Is it anybody I know?

- Well, in the Biblical sense.

- Hey sport.

Hey you're a cute
little dude aren't you?

Hey did you know, there's
something about this kid.

I mean for a baby he's actually
kinda handsome you know?

What is his name?

What's the matter?

Doesn't he have a name?

- Cliff his name is Michael.

- Hi Michael.

- Chadwick.

- Chadwick?

- Chadwick, as
in Sally Chadwick.

- Sally Chadwick, it can't be.

I mean, hey Chadwick.

Hey it's a great name.

It's a good sound you know.

Listen, could you tell
Barbara that I have to,

I gotta go fix my carburetor.

- Cliff, we know.

- Sally told you?

- Not on purpose,
it just slipped out.

- Oh it can't be.

She told me she was
gonna put it up for adoption!

It just can't be!

- It can and it is.

Sally decided to keep the baby.

- And Sally just happens to
be an old friend of Barbara's.

- Oh my god Barbara, she knows.

- No, she doesn't know.

That's where you come in.

- Miss Romano I
give you my word,

I give you my word.

All this happened before
I ever dated Barbara.

How could I tell her?

- Very carefully.

(laughter)

- Hiya Cliff!

Did you meet Michael?

- Yeah.

- Isn't he adorable?

- Well he's...

Yeah.

- Don't you just
wish he was yours?

(laughter)

- Barbara, I think that Cliff
wants to talk to you alone.

Julie, let's go to the den.

- Oh okay.

Mom?

- [Ann] Yeah.

- We don't have a den.

(laughter)

- Then they should
reduce our rent.

- What'd you wanna talk about?

- Well it's about

Michael.

Michael and life.

- Life?

- Barbara look, your
mom clued me in about

Michael's mother.

- Sally.

- Sally, right right.

Anyway.

I think you ought to have a talk

about Sally and her problem.

- You wanna help Sally?

- I think it's the
least I could do.

- Oh Cliff.

Oh Cliff that is so sweet.

I mean it's nice to
know that not every guy

is like the stupid nerd
who fathered this little kid.

(laughter)

- Barb, Barbara, maybe
the guy isn't all that bad.

- Well I think he should
have married Sally.

- Look, what if Sally doesn't
wanna marry the stupid nerd?

I mean the guy.

You know a million teenage girls

get pregnant every year.

- Well, someone's
awfully busy out there.

- Look, what I'm
trying to say is,

sometimes you
just don't expect it

so you don't plan
and it just happens.

- Cliff, what are
you getting at?

- Sally and me.

We met at a party last summer.

- You know Sally?

- I did.

Barbara, Michael isn't just
Sally's baby he's mine too.

- You're...

- The father, right.

Barbara, Barbara,
wait, Barbara, Barbara!

- Cliff no, not now, not now.

- Miss Romano
I've gotta talk to her.

- I know, but let it
sink in a little bit okay?

Come on, take it easy.

- Tada!

(laughter)

A Schneider original.

- It's lovely Schneider.

- Well it's just something
I threw together for Mikey.

Kind of a portable mobile.

What you might
call a mobile mobile.

I'll put it right
here for the kid.

- Schneider thank you,
but I really don't think

this is a good time.

- Get out, get out,
just leave me alone!

I just never wanna
see you again...

- Well now wait a
second, I know it's

not the greatest
thing in the world.

I mean I put a lot...

- Schneider I'm sorry,
I didn't mean you.

- Barbara please,
I've gotta talk to you.

- Cliff I don't really...

What is this stupid thing?

- It's not a stupid thing.

This is your all purpose
baby entertainer.

It's got a feather for tickling,

a pan for banging, a
glove here for teething,

it's got a sponge for squeezing,

it's even got (squeaking)
a horn for room service.

- Schneider, Schneider, not now.

- Really Schneider you know,

maybe when you get it
patented would be a...

- Well I mean you haven't
really seen everything.

You know it's got bubbles,

a little machine.
- It's darling.

- [Schneider] Maybe
I'll get the American flag

unferning in the breeze.

- Please look, I am sorry.

You will never
know how sorry I am.

I made a mistake, a big mistake.

But I tried to make it right.

I thought the baby
had been adopted!

Barbara, please, I
had to go on living!

- Why?

- Okay.

- Miss Romano look, I
want you to know one thing,

I never tried
anything with Barbara.

- Well why not?!

What's the matter with me?!

You never tried anything with me

because you had
all those others!

- What others?!

- I thought you
were being noble.

You weren't being noble,
you were just exhausted!

- Barbara, my god, stop feeling
so damn sorry for yourself!

It is not your trouble!

Cliff has the problem
and Sally has a problem.

- Wait a second guys.

This little one
here is the one with

the problem that matters.

- Barbara look, I
know how you feel.

Okay I don't know how you feel

but you don't know how I feel!

Now maybe nobody
knows how anybody feels!

- Cliff I'm not in the
mood for your philosophy,

I'm not in the mood for anything
you have to say anymore.

- Why?

- Are you defending him?

- Just giving him a chance.

- And I just wanna
give him a chance.

I've gotta talk to Sally.

- Oh Lord.

- Look, you want the truth?

You wanna know
how I really feel?

If I could get
out of it I would!

Part of me says run, split!

She kept it, let
her take care of it.

But the rest of me
just can't do that.

I've got a kid, me,
an 18 year old jerk

still in high school.

All of a sudden I've
got a big responsibility

and I don't know what to do.

(doorbell)

Well if that is bubbles
again I will scream!

Look... - I didn't get the job.

- Sally, hi.

- Cliff!

- I met Michael, I know.

- Yeah but how did you find me?!

- Sally,

Barbara and Cliff
have been dating.

Some coincidence huh?

- Jefferson high.

I never thought of that.

- Sally look, I
thought we agreed

to put him up for adoption?

- I know!

I couldn't.

- I know, he looks
like a great kid.

I guess I'll,

I'll try to help you out.

I'll quit high school, I'll
get a job or something.

- Oh try it, just like I did.

It's always the same.

Sorry kid, you need
a high school diploma.

How can you raise
a baby with no job,

no money, no future.

- It's different for a guy.

I can do construction work.

I could be a bus boy.

- It's no good Cliff.

It can't work.

At least not for me.

I mean what can either
of us do for Michael?

I can't support
him, I can't give him

the security of a real family.

So let's give him
the one thing we can.

A chance at a normal
life with parents

who can take good care of him.

- You wanna put
him up for adoption?

- I think we should.

- Michael deserves the best.

- Well I phoned my
folks and they're gonna

come pick us up.

I guess I better
wait downstairs.

- Wait.

Goodbye Michael.

Good luck.

By Sally.

- Cliff.

- Goodbye Sal, take
good care would ya?

Keep in touch, promise?

- [Sally] I will.

- Alright.

- [Julie] I'll walk
you to the elevator.

- Bye baby.

Oh Cliff.

I wish there was something
brilliant I could say.

- You know, for
the rest of my life

I'm gonna know that
somewhere out there

I've got a kid.

And I'm never gonna
know what he looks like.

And I'm never gonna know

what happens to him.

And I'm never gonna
know who he is.

- [Ann] I know, I know.

(applause)

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] One Day
At A Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.