One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Dating Game - full transcript

When Ann calls a business associate that she is interested in, he thinks the dinner is just business.

♪ This is it ♪ This
is it ♪ This is life

♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball

♪ Well, this is it ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
♪ And rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here ♪ Enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what
you do ♪ Hold on tight

♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere there's
new music playin'

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at at time
♪ Dah, dah, dah, dah

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ Dah, dah, dah, dah

♪ One day at a time

(vacuum hums)

- Hello, children, hello, hello.

- Hi, Ma.

- Hi.

- Well, anything
exciting happen today?

- Oh, nothing much.

- Just the usual.

And how was your day?

- My day, oh, you know me.

One day is just like the next.


- Yeah, well, I guess
you're not gonna tell us

why you're wearing
that, are you?

- This?

Well, you're never going to
believe what happened today.

- You fell into a manhole?

(audience laughs)

- Tell me.

Do you like it?

- Oh, it's definitely you.

- Auggie gave it to me.

- Auggie?

- Yes, my new client,
August La Rocca.

- Sounds like the
flavor of the month.

(audience laughs)

- This is a man virile yet
sensitive, serious yet witty,

tough yet tender.

- Now, he sounds
like a meatloaf.

(audience laughs)

What's he do?

- He's president of a
new firm that specializes

in solar energy systems.

Today, I went and watched
them put flat plate collectors

on a new office building.

- Oh, wow, flat
plate collectors.

(audience laughs)

- Incredible.

Do you have the faintest
idea what she's talking about?

- I never do.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, it all has to
do with solar energy.

See, Auggie says that
they absorb heat and then...

- Yeah, well, it seems
like you've absorbed

a little heat yourself. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

Tell me.

Get to the good part here.

- I think he's gonna ask me out.

- You think?

- Quick, call the caterers.

(audience laughs)

- You can be something old.

I'll be something new.

- Oh.

- Oh, come on, girls.

Haven't you ever had a feeling
that a guy is gonna call you?

- Oh, yeah, especially when
I write my phone number

on his windshield.

(audience laughs)

- Ma, this all
sounds pretty vague.

I think he'll ask me out.

I have a feeling he'll call?

Didn't you even let him
know you were interested?

- Yeah, I smiled at him.

I laughed at his jokes.

I caressed his
flat plate collector.

(audience laughs)

- That's bold.


- Ma, believe it or not,
you gotta do more than that.

- For instance.

- You gotta take a
affirmative action.

If you're in the third
grade, and you like a boy,

you put bubblegum in his ear.

(audience laughs)

- And when you're in
junior high, if you like a guy,

what you do is you put all
your books in your gym bag,

and you slug him.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, well, what do
you do when you're 36?

- Trip him with your cane.

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) Mom, at
least you could have

dropped a subtle hint.

Oh, Iggy.

- Auggie.

(audience laughs)

- Auggie, I forgot to shop
for food this weekend.

I guess I'll have to
eat at a nice restaurant

alone about 8:30.


- Sorry, girls, I don't
resort to tricks to get

a guy to ask me out.

(doorbell rings)

That's him.

- [Barbara] How do you know?

- I left my wallet in his truck.

(audience laughs)

- Hi.

- Auggie, hi.

What a surprise.

(audience laughs)

Come on in.

Let me introduce
you to my girls.

Julie, Barbara, this is
Mr. August La Rocca,

the new client I mentioned.

- Oh, yeah, I remember
you talking about him.


- I hope I'm not interrupting.

- No, no, not at all.

- We were just gonna
defrost the fridge

since we forgot to
shop for the weekend.

No food.

(audience laughs)

- I just came by to
return your wallet.

You must have
dropped it in my truck.

- My wallet.

I don't know how I
could have done that.

- I'm glad you did.

- Oh?

- I forgot to give
you the information

for the news releases.

Your mother really
knows her public relations.

- Oh, yeah, she certainly does.

I mean, it's hard to
believe that just a year ago,

she was nothing but a great
personality and a fabulous cook.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, my girls. (laughs)

Aren't they something?

(audience laughs)

So tell me.

Could I get you something?

Coffee, tea?

- A martini?

- No, no thanks.

I have to get back.

- Well, I'll get right
on those releases.

- Well, there's no hurry.

Nice to meet you girls.

- Oh, yeah, bye.

- As a matter of
fact, I could probably

work on them tonight.

I have nothing special I
have to do except, you know,

maybe go out and
grab a bite to eat.

(audience laughs)

- Well, say, there's
a new lobster place

out on Valley Drive.

- I heard about that.

They say it's terrific.

- Do you suppose
we could - Great idea.

- interest them in a
solar heating system?

- Solar heating.

(audience laughs)


- Well, I'll have to
call 'em sometime.

Talk to you later.


- Bye-bye.

- Julie, did I miss it?

- Miss what?

- The part where
he asked her out.

(audience laughs)

- Real cute.

- Let's face it, Ma.

The two of you make
beautiful business together.

- Come on.

You girls were
certainly no help.

Great personality, wonderful
cook, want a martini?

- Well, I was just
trying to get him going.

- You did.

Right out the door.

(audience laughs)


Well, did you like him?

- Eh.

(audience laughs)

- Nothing.

(audience laughs)

- But do not fear, Mother.

There are other fish in the sea.

- Yeah, how would you like
to date a tall, dark halibut?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, come on.

You heard Auggie.

He said he'd talk to me later.

- Oh, right, that's a
very definite maybe.

- He'll call.

I can just tell.

- When was the last
time Mom had a date?

- I think it was the
year of the big rain.

(audience laughs)

- That doesn't count, Barbara.

Everybody had to
go aboard in pairs.

- Oh.

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Well, Ma, I checked all
the telephone poles for ya.

They're still there.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, Julie.

- Look at her.

Cool as a cucumber.

I think we're more worried about

this guy calling than she is.

- Don't let her fool ya.

She hasn't turned
a page in an hour.

(audience laughs)

I wonder why he hasn't called.

- Maybe he died.

- That's no excuse.

(audience laughs)

- Mother, maybe
something really did happen.

Maybe he got run
over by a truck.

- Right.

- Maybe he got mugged.

- That could be it.

- Maybe he's not
gonna call at all.

- Julie, you are so depressing.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Ma.

Take the plunge.

Call him.

- I couldn't do that.

- Why not?

- Because women do not call men.

- Who says?

- Okay, I'll put
that another way.

This woman does not call men.

- You've come a short way, baby.

(audience laughs)

- Would you get with it, Ma?

It's perfectly
acceptable to call a guy.

- Yeah, I know, if you want
him to get the wrong idea.

- Mother, you are
so old-fashioned.

- I know. I know. I know.

(knocks on door)


(audience laughs)

- Security check.

(audience laughs)

Everything all right?

- Why wouldn't it be?

- Well, I was makin' my
appointed rounds earlier,

and I saw this slick type dude
coming out of your apartment.

I was just wonderin'
what was he sellin'?


- Nope.

(audience laughs)

- Polo ponies?

(audience laughs)

Cemetery plots, right?

Oh, you gotta be careful.

You gotta make sure
you own the land outright.

I mean, you could die,
get buried, and wind up

in the fast lane
on the expressway.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, so
you can continue on

with your appointed
rounds, the gentleman

that you saw here before,
his name is August La Rocca.

He's in solar energy.

He's six feet, brown hair,
green eyes, no distinguishing

scars or marks so far as I know.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, as
long as you're here,

let me ask you a question.

- Fire away, my child.

- Now, do you think
it's okay for a woman

to ask a man for a date?

- Are you kidding? (laughs)

El mistak-o, el muy
grande mistak-o.

(audience laughs)

- Why, Schneider?

- Because any woman
that would lower herself

to be calling a man for
a date is either a dummo,

a fatso, or a doggo, woof, woof.

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, you are a
man of great sensitivity.

- What can I tell you?

It's inbred.

(audience laughs)

- This is really unfair.

- Unfair, huh?

You want unfair?

How do you think a guy
feels when he asks a girl out,

and she tells him to get lost?

- Oh, are you telling me
that the great Schneider

got kicked out on his...
- Just once.

(audience laughs)


This gorgeous young, divorcee.

Wooh, she has beautiful eyes.

I asked her out,
you know. (laughs)

She told me to go
peddle my papers.

(audience laughs)

So I got back on my
bike and delivered

the rest of my papers.

(audience laughs)

I saw her a few years
later, but by then,

I was a box boy, and
the spark was gone.

(audience laughs)

- Goodbye, Schneider.

- Goodbye, Miss Ramono.

- You're mother's going.

Did you want to say goodbye?

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, goodbye.

You, yeah...
- Schneider, goodbye. (claps)

(audience laughs)

- I said goodbye, and
you thought it was me.

I know.

I know.


- I just want to
tell you one thing.


(audience laughs)

Before I go, I want to lay
some heavy advice on ya.

- Yeah.

- Please always
remember and never forget,

that if the good Lord had
wanted women to call men,

he would have invented the
princess phone a lot sooner.

(audience laughs)

- Bye, Schneider.
- Bye, Schneider.

(audience laughs)

- All right, I gotta
tell you something.

In this one instance, I
agree with Schneider.

- Mom, you're
completely brainwashed.

- I don't deny that.

I don't deny that.

- I really don't believe this.

You never waited for
anything else in your life.

- That's right, Mom.

When you want something,
you go out and take it.

- Look, even if I wanted
to call Auggie, I couldn't.

I wouldn't know what to say.

- How about something
simple like, Hi, Auggie.

I want you.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Mom.

Call him.

- I, I, I, what if he
turns me down?

- Well, it'll build
your character.

Anyway, if he does say,
no, it's not necessarily

a personal rejection.

- Right.

Think positive, Mom.

This guy could be married,
homosexual, shacking up.

(audience laughs)

- Glad you're thinking positive.

(audience laughs)

- Call him.

- I..

- Push.

(audience laughs)

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- [Barbara] What
was that all about?

- I can't.

I just can't do it.

He's gonna think I'm desperate.

- You are.

- I'm not.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, you're interested.

- That's a better word.

- Look, Ma, if you
can't do it, I'll call him.

What's his number.

- Barbara, you are
gonna, Barbara, all right,

give me the phone.

Give me the phone.

Give me the phone.

I'll do it.

You girls, I tell you.

You are such nags.

I don't even know why I
started this whole thing.

I really, hello, Auggie, hi.

Ann Romano here.

- Oh, how are ya?

- Fine, thank you.

Look, I'm calling because I
want to return your hard hat.

Of course, I'll have it
cleaned and blocked first.


What I'm really calling for
is see, I thought, you know,

that I might work on
your campaign tonight,

but maybe you'd
like to go to dinner.

- Well, that's a great idea.

- It is.

It is?

It is.

It's a great idea.

Well, why don't we meet at
the Wayfarer's Inn around eight?



See you then.



I did it.

(audience laughs)

I made a date.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.


- You know, that Ann
Romano is really something.

She actually wants to get
together on a Saturday night

to discuss our PR campaign.

What a woman.

She's all business.

(audience applauds)

(audience laughs)

- Another water
while you're waiting?

- Uh, no, thank you.

I'll just wait.

- As you wish.

Is this your first time?

- I've been in a
restaurant before.

- I mean, is this the
first time you've asked

a man out for a date?

(audience laughs)

- How did you know that?

- I knew it the minute
you walked in, oh, yes.

(audience laughs)

- What gave me away?

- That air of sophistication
when you came in

followed by that anxiety
attack when you sat down.

(audience laughs)

You've shredded three
cocktail napkins in five minutes.

- Oh, my goodness.

(audience laughs)

- Relax, relax, you've
got nothing to worry about.

I am here to help you.

- It's very
comforting, thank you.

- Look, if you're on a
tight budget, I'll steer him

to the cheaper dishes.

- No, that's not the problem.

Really, I'm fine.

I really think I can handle it.

Thank you very much.

- You must not get excited.

You'll loose your glow.

(audience laughs)

Now, one last thing.

When I bring in the check,
you must not over-tip.

It's flashy and vulgar.

25% is plenty.

(audience laughs)

- Some people only tip 10%.

Others don't tip at all.

- They're animals.

(audience laughs)

And for them I
gotta dress like this.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Hi, Ann.

- Auggie, hi.

Auggie, please sit
down, please. (laughs)

- Ann, I think this
was a great idea,

our having dinner together.

- Glad you feel that way.

- I don't know why I
didn't think of it myself.

- Oh, I don't either.

As a matter of fact,
I was a little anxious

about calling you.

- Why?

- Well, I've always
felt that a man

should lead in these things.

- Oh, hey, look.

If you've got something
you think we ought to do,

I want to hear about it.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, a cocktail for
your dining pleasure?

- Auggie?

- I better not.

I'll be more use
to you if I'm sober.

(audience laughs)

- No, thank you.

Thank you, no.

- That'll save you
a couple of bucks.

(audience laughs)

The chopped sirloin
is terrific tonight.

(audience laughs)

- Well, here we are.

- Yeah.

- Uh, I want you to know that
I've never done this before.

- You sure had me fooled.

I thought you were an old pro.

(audience laughs)

Now, should we
have dinner first,

or shall we get right to it?

(audience laughs)

- Now, wait a minute.

- Exactly what
approach are you gonna

take on this PR campaign?

- PR campaign.

- Well, that's what
we're here for, isn't it?

- It seems that way.

- Wait, wait, wait a minute.

I get the feeling we're
on different wavelengths.

- Oh, whatever
gave you that idea?

- Ann, tell me something.

- Yeah.

- Did you come here to
discuss business or pleasure?

- Oh, business is pleasure.

- Well, I feel the same way.


- Auggie, look, I think
that I better level with you,

okay, or I'm just not
gonna get through this.

Um, (sighs) I didn't ask
you here on business.

I asked you here on a date.

- A date?

- Uh-huh.

Like in, oh, my goodness.

I haven't got a thing
to wear (laughs) date.

- Wait a minute.

You mean, you
called me for a date?

(audience laughs)

- Hold that down.

You know, I just
really don't want this

on the 11 o'clock news.

(audience laughs)

Are you embarrassed?

- I'm glad.

Are you embarrassed?

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

- And now, for
your wine selection.

You're doing great for a rookie.

(audience laughs)

I strongly recommend number 17.

- 12 will be just
fine, thank you.

- A wise decision.

You can never go wrong
with Ernest and Julio.

(audience laughs)

- Ann, I hope you'll
let me take care of this.

- Oh, not a chance.

When I take a man out, I pay.

Auggie, look, I want you
to understand that I will

understand if you don't
want to stay here for dinner.

- Are you kidding?

Of course, I want to stay.

- I really feel like a dope.

- Well, now, how
do you think I feel?

- I don't know.

- An attractive woman
like you asked me out,

and I don't even know it.

My hormones must be on vacation.

(audience laughs)

- Auggie, look, I don't want
you to feel that you have

to stay for my sake.

- Ann, believe
me, I'm flattered.

It just takes me a while
to get used to the role.

- (laughs) Tell me.

- Of course, I want
one thing understood.

Just because you're buying
me dinner doesn't mean

I'm a pushover.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, no, I'd never think that.

- On the other
hand, I don't exactly

have a will of iron either.

(audience laughs)

After dinner and a
few glasses of wine,

you might be able to
take advantage of me.

(audience laughs)


You know, I am beginning
to enjoy this new morality.

I mean, you know what you want.

You got after it.

- Would you wait a minute.

- I mean, it saves going
through all that nonsense.

Doesn't it?

It's honest.

I mean, during dinner
you're just relaxed

because you know
what's gonna happen next.

(audience laughs)

- No, you don't know
what's gonna happen next

because nothing is
going to happen next.

- You mean, you're
not interested in...

- Yeah, I'm interested in,

but that's not why
I asked you out.

I mean, I didn't that far ahead.

I mean, I wasn't planning
(squeals) interested.

(audience laughs)

Oh, this isn't going to work.

This whole thing is not, is
everybody looking at me?

- Nobody's looking at you.

- Good, this will be a
terrific time to get out of here.

- Ann, Ann, wait a minute.

Would you just...

- Oh, you should
really eat first.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Just wait a minute.

Look, I'm sorry if
I misunderstood.

But you just can't
ask a guy out to dinner

and not have him think...

- Well, stop thinking.

I know what you're thinking,

and I knew you would think that.

That's why I didn't
want to ask you out.

I just really feel
stupid, you know.

- Look, look, can we just back
up and just start over again?

I'm delighted that you
asked me out to dinner.

- Now, you're just being nice.

- You're a lovely woman,
and I'm a very lucky guy.

- Oh, you're just being nice.

This whole thing is a mess.

If you don't want to be here...

- I want to be here.

- Would you...

- Would you believe it if I
told you (audience laughs)

ever since we've been
working together, I have had

some very un-businesslike
thoughts about you.

(audience laughs)

- Really?

- Really.

- Oh, you're just being nice.

- Will you sit down?

- I can't.

Everybody saw me get up.

They expect me to leave now.

- Oh, well, that's no problem.

Oh, there's the
earring you dropped.

- Oh, my earring, thank you.

- Now, you can
sit down and relax.

(audience laughs)

- Here, here it is.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

Well. (laughs)

- Well.


- After we stopped
playing charades,

it turned out to be a
pretty nice evening.

- Yes, yes, even almost normal.

- Except for the
waiter. (laughs)

Do you think he liked his tip?

- Oh, I'm sure he did once
he got it out of the wine bottle.

(audience laughs)

- Well, goodnight, Auggie.

- Good night, Ann.

- A handshake.

- I didn't want you to
get mad at me again.

- Risk it.

(audience laughs)

- Are you mad?

- Furious.

- What do we do now?

(audience laughs)

- Not a thing.

The girls are here.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Listen, um, thank
you for tonight.

I had a good time.

- Aren't I supposed to say that?

- I don't know.

I've lost track.

- Well, anyway, I'd
like to do it again.

- So would I.

- Who calls whom?

(audience laughs)

- I don't know.

Can we play that part by ear?

- Yes, I think I
can handle that.

- Okay.

- Goodnight.

(audience laughs)

- How was your date?

- [Julie] Did you
have a good time?

(audience laughs)

- She's having a good time.

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

("This is It" by Polly Cutter)

- [Ann] One Day At A Time
was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.