One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 5 - Schneider's Helper - full transcript

When Schneider hurts his back, Barbara gets him to hire a disabled friend who is put to the test during a gas leak.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it's all

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time


- [Ann] Schneider?

- [Dwayne] Come on, Ms. Romano.

- [Ann] Well could you
come and open the door?

My arms are full.

- [Dwayne] All right.


- [Ann] Are you okay in there?

- Just my back.

You won't believe
the shape I'm in.

- Don't tell me.

You used to ring the
bells at Notre Dame.


Look Schneider, when
I was at the market,

I picked you up
a few necessities.

You know, milk,
Playboy, kind of bourbon.

- Two out of three ain't bad.

I really appreciate
it, Ms. Romano.



- How's your back?

- I'd be dead without
my Maidenform.

- Schneider, you know,
you really got to take it easy.

You're not 20 years old anymore.

- I may not be 20.

But I can do anything
now that I could do then.

Now and then.

Let me try to sit over there.

Just that the doctor
said my nerves,

you know, are all
jangled up down there

because I'm under so
much tension being a super.

Got to do it all by
myself, you know?

- I know, I know.

- It's really lonely at the top.

- I can imagine.

- This, no.

Let me try over there again.

Thank you.


You know, a building
is a lot like a woman.

You know, you don't stop
loving them just because

they start to sag.

Thing is, you have
to work a little harder

to get the heating system going.


- Schneider, you
really are gonna have to

take it a little easier.

Won't anything make you relax?

- Well I don't know, many
Barb will come through for me.

- Barbara?

- Yeah, she said she's
gonna look around

down at school, maybe
find a kid who wants

a little part time work
a couple of weeks.

- Yeah well, I'm sure
she'll find somebody.

I got to run.

Is there anything I
can do for you to make

more comfortable for you?

- [Dwayne] Oh,
you've been terrific.

No, it's really... - Okay.

- [Dwayne] Let me have
that stool over there.

- [Ann] This one?

- [Dwayne] Yeah,
put it over here.

- Okay.

This good?

- Yeah, just lie it down there.

There you go.

- Okay.
- Now just lift it up,

lift it up, go ahead.


- You know Jackie,
if you can get this job,

you are really gonna love it.

- Great.

- Hi.

- Hi Mom, want me
to get that for you?

- Yeah honey,
thanks, that's nice.

- Oh Mom, this is Jackie.

Jackie, my mother.

Schneider asked me to
find somebody to help him.

- Oh yeah yeah, he told me.

Glad to meet you, Jackie.

- You are, why?

- Mom, see, my
school advisor said that

Jackie is a very good
worker and that this

would be good for him.

- Well, are you in the
same class with Barbara?

- No, I go to special class.

- Oh well, what do you
learn in special class?

- Real important stuff
like how to make change

and we're learning
to work with tools

and how to take the
right bus to get home.

- The right bus?

- Oh Mom, Jackie is
what they call exceptional.

- That means I'm slow but
everybody says exceptional.

Aren't people funny?

- You're slow.

- Yes.

- Well.

So, how are you, Jackie?

- Fine.

- Oh good.

And do you like going
to school, Jackie?

- Yes, fine.

- Oh, isn't that nice.

- Yes.

Gosh, you talk loud and clear.

- So.

Tell me, do you like going to
the same school with Barbara?

- Mom, it's great for Jackie.

See, they go to
the same school but

they all have their own classes.

- I like to go to
Barbara's school because

we get to go to
football games and

assemblies with everybody else.

- Yeah see, Jackie's
learning how to

take care of himself
and learning how to work.

- That way, my mom and dad
won't have to worry about me.

That's why I'd
really like this job,

to show I can do it.

- Oh Jackie, I'm sure you
could do a bang up job...

- Oh no, I wouldn't
bang up anything.

I would be very careful.

- No no no, I didn't
mean it like that.

The thing is, see, I don't
think you should count

on getting this job.

Mr. Schneider may be
seeing a lot of people and...

- But I could do it.

I can even do things
without being told.

Could I hang up your coat?

- Sure Jackie, thank
you, that's very nice.

The closet's over
by the front door.

Oh Barbara, I think
it's really terrific

what you're trying to do
but you know Schneider.

- All right, all right.

I'll go down and
explain it to him, okay?

- [Ann] Good, yeah.

- Oh, hi there.

- [Ann] Schneider,
what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be resting.

- All right, so I'm in agony.

But when you have
a job to do, you got to

expect to suffer a little.

- Yeah, but you can't do
any work in your condition.

- I can do any job
that you got so long,

so long as it's on
my starboard side.

- Schneider, can I talk to you?

- Yeah over here, over here.

- Can I talk to you privately?

- Oh well all right.

First, let me do
that molding, fix that

molding your mom wanted.

Where is it?

- [Ann] It's right
up here, it's loose.

- Oh.


That doesn't look too bad.

Just, I just think it
needs, just needs a nail.

- Just needs a nail.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Who are you?

- I'm here for the job.

- He's here for the job.

- You must be here for the job.

What's your handle, kid?

- My what?

- Oh Schneider,
this is Jackie Barlow.

Jackie, this is
Mr. Dwayne Schneider.

- Glad to meet you,
Mr. Dwayne Schneider.

- Barbara...

- Schneider, that thing I
needed to talk to you about?

- Yeah yeah, let me take
care of the molding first, okay?

- Wow.

You banged that
nail in with one whack.

You must be a
champion hammer-er.

- Thanks a lot.

Tell you, Barbara, you
really got a smart one here.

- Well Schneider, I
didn't exactly tell Jackie

that he had the job.

I mean, he knows you'll
be considering other people.

- Well, what for?

When it comes to character,
I got an infallible instinct.

I mean, when a
guy's got it, he's got it.

- You mean, you're
gonna let me work in

this beautiful building?

- You hear that?

This kid called the
building beautiful.

Beautiful building,
see what I mean?

Intellectually, we're on
the same wavelength.

- I'm not gonna touch that one.

Jackie, do me a
favor, would you?

I left a book on the
front seat of my car

down in the garage.

Would you get it for me?

It's the blue station wagon.

- Sure, blue station wagon.

I'll take the elevator
all the way down.

I know how to run it myself.

- All you got to do
is push the button.

- Oh, it's not that easy.

You have to push
the right button.

- The right button?

We only got five floors.

- Barbara.

- Schneider, Schneider.

Why don't you sit down, okay?

- Thank you.
- Now, the thing is that

Jackie is one of
those people that has

a very hard time getting
a job because, well,

because people
discriminate against him.

- He's Jewish?

Hey, makes no difference to me.

I'm an equal
opportunities employer.

All I ask is that he does
the job, does it perfectly.

- Oh Schneider, you're terrific.

- So what else is new?

Listen, what's his problem?

- Well.

Let me phrase this
very delicately, okay?

He's mentally retarded.

Schneider, I think
you're gonna be getting

the wrong idea
because you're gonna

take this the wrong way.

Now, he's a very good worker.

- Hold it, hold it.

Are you kneeling
there and telling me

that out of all the
kids in your school,

the one that you
picked to help me

in this job is a loonie?

- He is not that way.

He is just slow.

He'd be perfect for your job.

I didn't mean it that way.

- And you liked him Schneider,
you liked him, remember?

An infallible instinct.

When you got it, you got it.

- Yeah, but that was before
I knew what it was he got.

Or what he doesn't got.

I'm sorry, I really
am, but no job, no job.

I mean that's it, no job.

You tell him.

- I'm not gonna tell him
anything, you tell him.

- I'll give you a buck.


- Here's your book, Ms. Romano.

- Thank you, Jackie.

- Okay boss, tell
me what to do first.

- Now wait a
second, there's been,

there's been a little
misunderstanding here.

I didn't get the whole picture,
you know what I mean?

I don't know why, I guess
maybe I'm just a little slow.

- You too?

- No look, see what
I'm saying is that

the thing is, see, is
that there's a lot of

hard, heavy work.

I mean, you got to go out
there and shovel all that snow.

- Oh that's good, I
like to shovel snow,

Mr. Dwayne Schneider.

I'm good at shoveling
lots of things.

- So is Mr. Dwayne Schneider.

- What I'm trying
to tell you is that

I just don't drag out the
trash and install new toilets.

I mean, it's not
all fun and glamor.

- I know, and you
can't pay many dollars

and the hours are real long.

- Now wait a second,
wait a second.

I was just gonna say that.

How did you know that?

- Because that's what
they told me down

at the hardware
store before they said

they didn't want me.

- No, I didn't say
that I didn't want you.

- You didn't?

- No, I...

- Schneider, you're
gonna give him the job?

- Well, I didn't say...

- You will not be sorry.
- I got it?


I'm going to run home
and tell my mom and dad.

- Wait a minute, Jackie.

You got to know that
the job starts at five AM.

- I'll be here at 4:30.

- He's gonna be...

All right, all right,
so I'm a soft touch.

But he only gets one chance.

One goof and he's out.


- Oh yeah, Julie, wait.

There was something else
I want, oh I know what it is.

Barbara got a boy
to help Schneider.

Yeah, he's terrific.

He's really an
incredible worker.

Okay, yeah you know
what time it is, right?

Already he has
shoveled all the sidewalks.

I don't know how he does it.

I think I know how he does it.

Julie, I'll talk to
you later, okay?

Say hi to your dad for me.

Uh huh, bye bye.

- Hi.


Well, what woke you up?

- Well, must have
been the sound of Jackie

shoveling the sidewalk.

With two shovels.

Barbara, this is Jackie's job.

You got to stop
doing his work for him.

- Come on Mom, I
haven't done that much.

- No, you gonna try
to tell me you didn't

take out all the
trash the other night?

- How did you
find out about that?

- Jackie told me when I was
helping him wax the lobby.

Yeah so, I've been
helping him too.

But I've been thinking
about it, and I think it's wrong.

Jackie has to learn
about the real world.

(doorbell rings)

- This is not the real world.

This is Schneider's
world, and he's

really, really pushing Jackie.

- Hello, Barbara.

- [Barbara] Hi, Jackie.

- Hello, Ms. Romano.

- [Ann] Good morning, Jackie.

- I have the paper for you.

- Thank you, you
want to stay and have

some coffee with us?

- Oh no, I'm working.

Mr. Schneider says
if I work real hard,

he'll teach me stuff I
never heard of before.

Like how to shag my butt.

- [Dwayne] Yard bird,
yard bird, this is super stud.

Yard bird, do you read me, over?

- Well, what is that?

- That's Mr. Dwayne Schneider
down in control central.

- Control central?

- [Dwayne] Yard
bird, this is super stud.

Come in, yard bird.

- Super stud, this is yard bird.

I read you loud and clear.

- [Dwayne] Good, good.

Now after you
deliver those papers,

fix the crack in
Mr. Peabody's ceiling,

change the light
bulb in the foyer,

vacuum the elevator and
yeah, re-shovel the sidewalk.

Half of it looks
like a little girl did it.

- I don't believe this.

Simon Ligree, this is big mama.

- He wants to be
called super stud.

- I don't deal in fantasies.

- [Dwayne] This
channel is not cleared for

unauthorized personal insults.

- Great, then I'll
deliver them in person.

10 three.

- 10 four.

- And out.

- Yard bird, yard bird.

Come in.

- I just hate what's...

What are you doing?

- What am I doing?

I'm putting traction
on my lower back

because that's
where the pain is.

- Why don't you put
traction on your rear end

because that is
where your brain is?

- Ms. Romano, please
don't hassle me, will you?

I'm trying to get my work done.

Yard bird, yard
bird, where are you?

- [Jackie] In the laundry room.


- What are you doing
in the laundry room?

- [Jackie] Your laundry.

- Your laundry?

- Don't forget, separate my
whites and my blues, huh?

- Oh Schneider, what
kind of man are you?

You have that poor
boy running around

working his heart out, and
you are lying here doing nothing.

- Yes, I'm doing nothing.

He's labor, I'm management.

Management is
supposed to do nothing.

- Oh, monitoring his every
move with that damn radio.

It is inhuman.

- It is not inhuman.

Right now he happens to
be a maintenance engineer

apprentice working for the
great Dwayne Schneider.

- Oh, in the number one
sweat shop in the city.


- [Dwayne] Hold it, hold it.

- What?

- Wait a second.

Look, my wrench is stuck.

Let me down.

- Schneider, I'd
never let you down.


- No don't do that, please.

Mayday, mayday.

Come quick, mayday.


- That man is the most
infuriating man I have ever met.

He is a mustache
and ego and a tattoo

held together by a tool belt.

Oh my god.


Barbara, Barbara, wake up.

Barbara, get up.
- Ow, Mom.

- Come on, let's go.

Come on, move it.
- Mom, I just went to sleep.

- Barbara, I want
you to wake up.

- I'm very tired, I woke
up early this morning.

I want to sleep.
- Get some fresh air.

Get out of here, fresh air.

It's all off.



Oh my god.

Frozen shut.

Schneider hi, look,
this entire apartment

is filled up with gas.

Call the gas company,
do something.

I tried the windows, I tried.

They're all frozen shut.

Yeah help, okay?


- Mom, I just want
to go to sleep, okay?

- No Barbara, you
can't go to sleep.

You can't, come on,
can't you smell that gas?

- Yeah, I smell it.

- Gas.

- Gas.

How do we turn it off?

- Oh I wish I knew.

Come on baby,
let's get out of here.

- Okay, everybody
out, everybody out.

- Jackie, what are you doing?

- [Barbara] Jackie,
where are you going?

(glass shatters)


- Mr. Dwayne Schneider
told me to do that

and then he told me
to tell you to leave.

I told them, Mr. Schneider.

- [Dwayne] Jackie, get
those women out of there.

If a spark hits that gas, wammo.


- Barbara, Ms. Romano, go.

- Jackie.
- Go, go.

- Let's go.
- I'm not going.

This is my job.

- Look, you don't
know what to do.

There is nothing we can do.

- Right Jackie, come
on, let's go okay, please?

- Come on Barbara, we'll
alert the rest of the building.

Come on Jackie, let's go.
- Come on, Jackie.

- Come on, move it.

- [Dwayne] Jack, Jack,
you get out of there.

- I'm not going.

- [Dwayne] This is an order.

- This is my job.

- [Dwayne] Jack, I am
not telling you again.

Now, you shag
your butt out of there.

- No sir, I'm not going.

You tell me what to do.

- [Dwayne] Jackie, you're
not giving me any choices here.

All right, let's see.

Well, it's probably a bad
connection in the flex cable.

You're gonna have to shut
off the gas behind the stove.

Now you just do
everything that I tell you

and do it carefully.

All right, walk to the
stove in the kitchen.

- I'm walking.


I can smell it real
bad in here now.

- [Dwayne] All right
Jack, now listen.

Pull the stove away from
the counter and watch it.

Don't hit nothing metal.

We don't want any sparks.

You tell me when you
got that stove moved, huh?


- Okay, I have the stove moved.

- [Dwayne] Good, good.

Now what do you see back there?

- A french fry.

And a gym sock.

- [Dwayne] All right, all
right, we can get them later.

Now Jack.

What side of the stove
are you standing on?

Are you standing between
the stove and the counter?

- Yes.

- [Dwayne] Good.

Then reach in with your
left hand behind the stove

and find the flex
cable, you understand?

- Yes, left hand.

Left side.

Metal silver wiggly snake?

- [Dwayne] Right
right, that's exactly

what I meant to say.

Now, take your left
hand, slide it along the

wiggly snake until you
feel the intake valve.

- The what?

- [Dwayne] The valve,
you know the valve.

We've been talking
about the valve.

It looks like a big
brass grasshopper.

- Oh yeah, the valve,
you showed me.

- [Dwayne] Right, now
you twist that valve.

This is very important.

Twist that valve all
the way to your left.

- Left, left hand.

- [Dwayne] Right.

- Right?

- [Dwayne] No no no, no no.

Left, left.

You're doing great, Jack.


- I can't twist it, it's stuck.

- [Dwayne] That's
okay, that's okay.

Just means you're gonna
have to use your pliers.

You know what your pliers,

you have them, you
have your pliers there?

- [Jackie] I got them.

- [Dwayne] Good okay,
now reach in very carefully.

Don't bang any
of the other pieces

of metal, Jack, huh?

- My hand is shaking.

- [Dwayne] That's
all right, that's okay.

You can do it, Jack.

- [Jackie] It's turning.

It's turning.

All the way now.

I can't hear anymore noise.

- [Dwayne] No noise, are
you sure no more noise?

- No.

- [Dwayne] Well then,
I think you did it, Jack.

Look, remove the
pliers very, very carefully.

I really think you did it.

- I did it, I did it.

- Come on, let's
get out of here.

- I did it, I did it.

- Wait a minute, you
turned off the gas?

- It's all gone.

- Oh Jackie, you're fabulous.

That's just wonderful.

- And we were afraid
you couldn't do it.

- Mr. Dwayne Schneider wasn't.

He thinks I can do things.

And then I think
I can do things.

He treats me like he
treats everybody else.

I mean, he hollers
at me and everything.

He doesn't make
me feel different.

- And we do.

- Not just you.

I mean, I like you
and you're nice.

But people never
let me try to do things

because I'm slow.

- Well, that's the
way to go, kid.

That is the way to go.

Well done.

Well done.

- How did you get
up here so fast?

- Fast, you kidding?

I've been crawling
up here ever since

I got out of my rack.

Of course, I was in
no particular hurry.

I knew we had a
good man on the job.

- Man.

You called me a man.

- You bet I did, kid.

- Thank you, Mr. Schneider.

I really like you
and I hope that I can

stay on here long
because I like...

- Yeah yeah yeah, all right.

Well let's stop the chatter now.

We got some work to do here.

We got to fix up this here.

- Yeah right, boss.

We'd better shag our butts.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(upbeat music)

- [Ann Voiceover] One
Day At A Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(upbeat jingle)