One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 3 - Ann's Friend - full transcript
Ann has to deal with the breakup of a friend's marriage.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time
(scrubbing boots)
- Hmm.
(cringing)
(laughing)
Well, maybe just one.
One is not enough.
(laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Come in.
- Hiya, Barbara.
I got your mother's mirror here.
Listen, I want to
ask you a question.
It's kind of awkward, you know,
I'm a little embarrassed
to ask you this,
but stay right where you are.
Don't come near me.
See, what you have,
that could be very
dangerous to the adult male.
(laughing)
(mumbling)
- What?
- Have a brownie.
- Oh, why didn't you say so.
No, I never use them.
- Oh.
Well, Schneider,
what can I do for you.
- Well, like I say,
it's kind of awkward.
Well, actually my
shower's on the blink.
I was wondering if I could
use your shower here.
- Sure.
- Oh, great.
I'd never ask you,
you know, except that I
got a real hot date tonight.
- Oh, well, in that
case you better
make it a cold shower.
- Let's can it with the
smut young lady, all right.
- Sorry.
- All right.
I'll be back in a minute
with my soap on a rope.
- Oh, hi Schneider.
Hey, did you get
that mirror for me.
- Yeah, as a matter of
fact, I just brought it up.
- Oh, that's terrific.
Will you hang it in
the bedroom for me?
- Sure, where do you want it?
On the wall or on the ceiling?
(laughing)
- The ceiling, of course.
(laughing)
- Ma, I'm gonna go
over to Karen's okay?
- Yeah, no, no, you
gotta stay right here
and be charming.
Joyce and Fred are
coming in from Logan's Port.
- Them again?
- Who's Joyce and Fred.
- You know, it's
time for their annual
how's Ann doing without
a man in her life visit.
- Who's Joyce and Fred?
- Try to look
well-adjusted, huh?
- Who's Joyce and Fred?
(laughing)
- Hey, and girls will you
help me straight up please?
- Who's Myrtle and Harry?
(laughing)
- [Together] Myrtle and Harry?
- Well, I wasn't getting
anywhere with Joyce and Fred.
(laughing)
- They're two of
my closest friends.
Joyce was my maid of honor.
- Ma, do we have to stay
here and listen to them?
Can a young divorcee
from a small town in Indiana
find happiness in the big city
with her two rotten teenagers?
That Annie.
- [Together] What
a little trooper.
(laughing)
- Oh, come on, girls,
they're not that bad.
I do admit they can
be a bit meddlesome.
- Oh, ain't nothing
worse than a snoop.
(laughing)
- Schneider, it's really
not that they're snoopy,
they just don't think I can
be happy unless I'm married.
- Tell me about it.
Everybody I know has
got a daughter, a sister,
a niece, a friend
that I should meet.
- Schneider, you
would be quite a catch.
- One in a million.
(chuckling)
- I don't know where
they all hear about me.
I guess it's just like any
good product, word of mouth.
- Uh, thank you Schneider.
This has been very enlightening.
Goodbye.
- Ms. Romano, you
believe in reincarnation?
- Well.
- Because it's quite
possible that Don Juan
came back as as
Casanova and Casanova,
he came back as Clark Gable
and Clark Gable, came back as.
(laughing)
Just remember that
Ms. Romano next time
you say bye Schneider.
(laughing)
(applauding)
- Mom, we don't mean to
put Joyce and Fred down,
they're sweet, but
they do go overboard.
- Yeah, I mean they're so happy.
- And they're so
convinced you're not.
- I think I have that
worked out this time.
I wrote Joyce and
tried to convince her
how happy I am
with the single life,
how fulfilled I am by my job,
how exciting it is not to
be tied down to one man.
- How you believe
in the tooth fairy.
- Yeah, okay, so I
exaggerated a little,
but they don't have
to know that, do they?
- Of course not, good luck mom.
- Yeah, have fun.
- Hey, wait, no, you
have to stay here.
Uh-uh, stay, stay.
I need you here to help
me convince Joyce and Fred
that everything is fine
and couldn't be better,
life is perfect, lie.
(doorbell ringing)
- We're behind
you little trooper.
(laughing)
- Thank you.
- [Together] Hi.
- Annie.
Julie.
Barbara.
Joyce.
(laughing)
- It is so good to see you.
Oh, girls, I baked
your favorite, uh,
chocolate chip for Julie and
peanut butter for Barbara.
- I told Joyce you
girls are probably
too old for cookies.
- Oh, no, no, no, I'm
still young for my age.
- Me, too, thanks.
- And we brought a
little something for Annie.
- I bet you there's a
dehydrated man in there.
(laughing)
- Oh, you really shouldn't.
You guys are always bringing.
Oh, my God.
(laughing)
- 101 Places to Meet Mr. Right.
- And they're all
approved by the church.
- You shouldn't have.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- I mean it, Fred,
you shouldn't have.
- I tried to tell him Annie,
but he just won't believe
that you're doing okay.
- Oh, of course I believe it.
How you holding up Annie?
- She's doing great.
- Yeah, yeah, but the
job getting you down?
- She just got a
raise and a promotion.
- Sure, sure, but what
about your love life?
Seeing anyone special?
- Any one?
Every night we have to
dust her for fingerprints.
(laughing)
- Tell me, weren't you
girls going down to Karen's.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
(laughing)
- I thought you were.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Have fun.
- We'll see you real soon.
- Oh, Annie, they
are fine, really fine.
- They're not into
punk rock, are they?
(laughing)
- Only on weekends.
- Well, you know,
it's really very difficult.
I mean, holding down
a job and raising kids.
- We don't know how you manage.
- I had myself cloned.
Look, you guys, you
make it sound like
what I do is impossible.
At the worst, it's
almost impossible.
- You see, you are suffering.
- Now, honestly Annie,
I think it would better
for you and the girls
if there were a man
around the house.
- Oh, Fred, haven't you heard?
A woman without
a man is like a fish
without a bicycle.
- Oh, yes.
- Nevertheless, I think your
life could be better.
- Uh, can we change
the subject, okay?
How are things in Logan's Port?
- Well, we ran into
your ex last night
with his child bride.
She's not a bit like you,
Annie, just a pretty face.
- He was such a
fool to leave you.
- Are you forgetting sweetheart?
He didn't leave me, I left him.
- Either way, it
shouldn't have happened.
- Can we change the
subject again, okay?
- Oh, sure.
- Paulie Manjafrito
is still single.
- Paulie always talks about
his date with you Annie.
- Do you know that he
is now the number one
exterminator in Logan's Port?
- How can I make you
understand what it was like
to go to a drive-in
movie in a truck
with a five foot
rubber roach on top.
(laughing)
- Annie, be fair.
Bugs are his business.
It started to rain
and one of its legs
got caught in the
windshield wiper.
(laughing)
It was not fun.
- He's had it fixed.
- Oh.
- Fred, I don't think
Paulie's her type.
- Well, nevertheless,
there are still plenty
of eligible men in Logan's Port.
- Name five.
(laughing)
- Elmo Peterson, Harvey
Bullet, Ray Elm, Kent Wexler.
- Fred, every time we come here,
all we seem to
do is pick on Ann.
- Who's picking on her?
I just think she'd be
better off in Logan's Port.
I mean here the
poor baby has no one.
- Oh, I'm not exactly out in
the snow selling matches.
Look, I like my life.
I like my job.
I like my kids.
I like my apartment.
And most of all, I
like my freedom.
- What a little trooper.
- Fred, Fred, why don't
you go take a walk?
A walk.
- Oh, oh, I get it,
time for some girl talk.
Well, if anyone can talk
some sense into her, it's you.
Annie, you know that
the reason I'm butting
in on your life is because,
well, because I really care.
- I know that Fred.
And you see, Joyce and I are
just so darn happily married,
we want the same for you.
See you later.
- [Ann] Okay, bye-bye.
- Trooper.
(laughing)
- I hope Fred didn't
upset you, he means well.
- Look, Joyce, I
know I'm really lucky
to have friends
like you and Fred,
but really I'm doing fine.
- Oh, I know, I know.
I could tell by your letters.
Oh, and Annie, I, I think
moving back to Logan's Port
would be a big mistake.
- I don't believe it, I
got through to someone.
- Well, your letters
showed me that there's
more than life than
just stuffing cucumbers
into a food processor.
- You bet there is.
- I mean, your job, all
the interesting people,
the new ideas.
I mean it's all so exciting.
I mean, you are branching out.
Oh, Annie, you've put
everything into focus.
- Good.
- I mean, you're responsible.
- Responsible?
- Well, if it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have the courage
to make this decision.
- Joyce, what are
you talking about?
- Well, I'm leaving Fred.
(laughing)
(applauding)
- Joyce, you can't leave Fred.
- Well, that's what I
keep telling myself,
but I refuse to listen.
- Can't I change your mind?
- Well, Ann, you
made up my mind.
- Me?
Well, what do I
have to do with it?
- Well, you're my inspiration.
- Inspiration?
For breaking up your marriage?
- Oh, no, for making
me see that I have to,
well I have to
strike out on my own
if I ever want to do anything
meaningful with my life.
Where's your can opener?
- Here, can opener's
right, here you go.
Joyce, divorce is
not that meaningful.
- Well, it was for you.
- Well, yeah, but
that was different.
I mean, Ed and I
had serious problems.
Oh, how is Ed's mother?
- No.
(laughing)
It was, uh, a lot
more than that.
- Well, Fred and I
had problems, too.
- Oh, Joyce, like what?
Chronic happiness?
I'm sorry, darling.
You really are serious
about this, aren't you?
Come here, come talk to me.
It isn't someone else?
I mean Fred wouldn't.
- Fred wouldn't.
- You wouldn't.
- Oh, I wouldn't.
- Well, I mean, people do.
- I don't.
- Okay, okay, that's
fine, that's lovely.
Here, tell me.
You haven't been
having a lot of headaches.
- It's not sex.
- Good, I mean you know
because when that goes,
there is, what is it Joyce?
You and Fred seem
like such a perfect match.
- Oh, yeah, the bland
leading the bland.
(laughing)
- Sweetheart, you're
not bland, you're reliable.
- Thanks a lot.
- No, I meant that nice.
Well, I remember
in the fourth grade,
you were the only
one who could drink
chocolate milk without
getting a mustache.
Oh, clean as a
whistle every time.
I was jealous.
- Oh, I want a mustache.
I want to be reckless.
Do you know I get my kicks?
When my souffles don't fall.
(laughing)
- Your souffles don't fall?
- Not even when I
slam the oven door.
Oh, Annie, I feel
trapped, trapped, trapped.
You know, I keep
having this nightmare.
I'm locked in a supermarket
with a whole bunch
of other housewives
and this giant roll
of toilet paper keeps
running after us
trying to squeeze us.
(laughing)
- Uh, Joyce, have you
talked to Fred about this?
- Well, it's not his fault.
Fred is wonderful.
Our relationship is wonderful.
Our kids are wonderful
and I'm miserable.
Are you trying to tell me
Joyce that you are unhappy
because you're happy?
- Exactly.
- Oh, Annie, all around
me, women like you
are conquering new fields.
I see what's going on.
I mean I look at the paper,
I watch television.
Well, I read Cosmopolitan.
(laughing)
- Joyce, believe it or not,
Helen Gurley Brown does
not have all the answers.
Did it ever occur to
you that having a job
is not all glamor
and excitement?
- Never.
- Well, it's not, it
can get pretty dull.
Tons of busy work,
hours of sitting at a desk
being hassled by a boss
who has the brain power
of an armadillo.
(phone ringing)
Excuse me.
Hello?
Oh, Mr. Davenport,
speaking of armadillos.
No, I didn't mean, that
was just a figure of speech.
What?
Oh, you're kidding.
They accepted the
campaign and I get to
go to New Orleans?
Oh, that is fab-,
fair, excited, no,
hardly excited, yeah.
Uh-huh, I have to
leave on Monday?
Okay, bye-bye.
Damn, another trip.
(laughing)
- Oh, another trip!
Ooh, I'm such a housewife.
- You make it
sound like a disease.
You're letting all
that media hype
get you down.
Oh, come on,
Annie, don't kid me.
You like your life.
- Well.
- Come on, come on.
- Yeah, all right, I admit it,
I do like my life.
I enjoy my job.
I'm fulfilled in what I do,
but darling, you are not me.
And there are
times when I'd love
to just run back to
that safe little world,
being just a wife and mother.
- There.
You said it.
Just a wife and mother.
- Oh, come on, you
know what I mean.
But you don't know
what I miss being single.
I miss sharing my life.
It can get pretty lonely.
- Lonely?
- Oh, you bet.
My girls are away
and I'm here by myself,
the loneliness can
get almost unbearable.
- All right, sorry I'm late.
(laughing and applauding)
But there's so many
women in this building
and there's no men around.
No wonder I'm always tired.
- Schneider, super.
- Oh, I bet he is.
(laughing)
You never mentioned
this one in your letters.
- Uh, Schneider.
- Hey, hey, hey, little
lady, first things first,
wait till you get
a whiff of this,
birds do it, bees do it,
even if you can't agree, do it.
- I don't know
what's going on, huh?
- Don't be impatient.
When I come out of the shower,
we can go into the bedroom
and you can show me
what you want done.
(laughing)
- Oh, Annie, do you
want me to leave?
- No, no, we can use
you to hold the mirror.
(laughing)
- Uh, Schneider, I changed
my mind, tomorrow, okay?
- Tomorrow, I got
a full day tomorrow.
Can you believe this.
She's been begging
me all week long
and now she's changing her mind.
(laughing)
And about the shower.
- All right forget it,
I'll take it downstairs
at Ms. Penfield.
With all that she wants done,
you may lose your place in line.
- Schneider.
- Could be a week.
You want to wait that long.
- If I have to.
- All right, nice
meeting you ma'am.
If ever you need anything done,
I freelance on the weekend.
But if we're talking
about double time.
(laughing and applauding)
- I know what you're thinking.
And you're wrong.
- Oh, Annie.
What's it like?
- What's what like?
- Well, you know, all those men,
all those different men?
- Well, you know, you
seen one, you seen them all.
- Annie!
- I'm kidding.
- Well, I was just curious.
I mean, after all
these years with Fred,
I was just wondering
what it would be like
with someone else.
Is that awful of me?
- No, Cosmopolitan
says it's very healthy
to have fantasies.
- Oh, I have one.
I have this one where I
wrap myself in a sheet
and hide in the linen closet
and then Fred decides
to make the bed.
- [Ann] Go on.
- And then as he, as
he changes the sheets,
I roll out onto the
mattress and then Fred
screams with excitement
and dies of a heart attack.
(laughing)
Even my fantasies are flops.
- Oh, Joyce, I hate
to see you like this.
What's go into you?
- Oh, I don't know.
I guess it was your letters.
Oh, and then about a month ago,
Fred and I went to this
party and do you know
every woman in that room did
something different except me.
- Sounds like a kinky party.
- Oh, you know what I mean.
- I mean people
ask me what I did
and when I told them
I was a housewife,
well, they looked at me as
if I was a genuine antique.
- I know, I've been there.
- I was actually
ashamed to admit
that I was just a housewife,
you know, that I did nothing.
Well, I'm not even
into real estate.
(laughing)
- Joyce, I just don't
think that people realize
how complicated being
a terrific housewife is.
What you do in one day would
give Wonder Woman a hernia.
(laughing)
- Just being busy isn't enough.
You know the last exciting thing
that happened to me was
when I was fourth runner up
at the Pillsbusy Bake-Off.
- You met Bob
Barker, didn't you?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, Annie, you know what I mean.
I mean, you know, I
just want to be involved.
- Sweetheart, you are involved.
For one thing, you're
active in the PTA.
- Oh, yeah, big deal.
Every Thursday, I stand
around the auditorium
passing out fruit
punch and Ding Dongs.
- Okay, Joyce,
maybe you're right.
I can see your epitaph now.
Joyce Emerson born
1941, died, we never noticed.
- Well, it's true.
I've never done one
outstanding thing.
- Yeah, when I think
of the mingy little things
that you do, that you
waste your time on,
I tell you, I mean like
staying up all night
sewing costumes for
your kid's school play.
Ha, ha, what a joke.
- Yeah, of course,
the kids, well the kids
did appreciate it.
- Yeah, well, I guess
somebody had to do it.
- Well, I didn't
exactly have to.
- Well, don't tell
me you wanted to
with all the options
open to you,
you wanted to
fritter away your time
sewing a bunch
of grapes together?
- Well, it was important
to my daughter,
and they were raspberries.
- Whatever.
And then there was
that volunteer program
you organized at the hospital.
You didn't even get paid.
- Well, just because you
don't get paid doesn't mean
your work is worthless.
- Sure.
Gee, Joycie, you
just gotta face it.
Being active in the community,
running the household,
raising children,
there's just very
much to speak of,
it's just not today.
- You know, I'm beginning
to resent your attitude.
- What attitude?
- Well, every time I
do something I enjoy,
someone tries to
make me feel guilty.
Well, if what I
enjoy is different
from what you
enjoy, well what of it?
- Yeah, well, Joyce, if
that's the way you feel.
No one can force
you into a career.
- Well, you're damn
right they can't.
I mean, I like being a housewife
and I like being a mother
and you know something else?
I am darn good at it,
so if you think that (mumbling).
Oh, Annie.
Before you, you see
a woman who has just
made a fool of herself.
- Oh, no you haven't.
- Oh, yes I have.
Oh, honey.
You know what's really funny?
- What's that?
- Fred left me here
to straighten you out.
Oh, dear Fred and I was
thinking of leaving him.
- Who's leaving who?
- Oh, no one you know.
- Well, I'm glad of that
and I'm sure glad we don't
have those problems honey.
- Oh, we sure don't.
- We found Fred
loitering in the halls.
- Didn't want him
to get in any trouble.
- So we kind of
convinced him to take
us all out to dinner.
- There is a great new
salad bar on second.
- Salad bar.
- Okay, we'll get the
car, come on girls.
- [Together] Okay.
- Did you two ladies
have a nice chat?
- Yes, we did.
We talked about choices.
- I hope you made the right one.
- You have nothing
to worry about, Fred.
(applauding)
(One Day at at
Time instrumental)
One day at a Time was
recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ Da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time
(scrubbing boots)
- Hmm.
(cringing)
(laughing)
Well, maybe just one.
One is not enough.
(laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Come in.
- Hiya, Barbara.
I got your mother's mirror here.
Listen, I want to
ask you a question.
It's kind of awkward, you know,
I'm a little embarrassed
to ask you this,
but stay right where you are.
Don't come near me.
See, what you have,
that could be very
dangerous to the adult male.
(laughing)
(mumbling)
- What?
- Have a brownie.
- Oh, why didn't you say so.
No, I never use them.
- Oh.
Well, Schneider,
what can I do for you.
- Well, like I say,
it's kind of awkward.
Well, actually my
shower's on the blink.
I was wondering if I could
use your shower here.
- Sure.
- Oh, great.
I'd never ask you,
you know, except that I
got a real hot date tonight.
- Oh, well, in that
case you better
make it a cold shower.
- Let's can it with the
smut young lady, all right.
- Sorry.
- All right.
I'll be back in a minute
with my soap on a rope.
- Oh, hi Schneider.
Hey, did you get
that mirror for me.
- Yeah, as a matter of
fact, I just brought it up.
- Oh, that's terrific.
Will you hang it in
the bedroom for me?
- Sure, where do you want it?
On the wall or on the ceiling?
(laughing)
- The ceiling, of course.
(laughing)
- Ma, I'm gonna go
over to Karen's okay?
- Yeah, no, no, you
gotta stay right here
and be charming.
Joyce and Fred are
coming in from Logan's Port.
- Them again?
- Who's Joyce and Fred.
- You know, it's
time for their annual
how's Ann doing without
a man in her life visit.
- Who's Joyce and Fred?
- Try to look
well-adjusted, huh?
- Who's Joyce and Fred?
(laughing)
- Hey, and girls will you
help me straight up please?
- Who's Myrtle and Harry?
(laughing)
- [Together] Myrtle and Harry?
- Well, I wasn't getting
anywhere with Joyce and Fred.
(laughing)
- They're two of
my closest friends.
Joyce was my maid of honor.
- Ma, do we have to stay
here and listen to them?
Can a young divorcee
from a small town in Indiana
find happiness in the big city
with her two rotten teenagers?
That Annie.
- [Together] What
a little trooper.
(laughing)
- Oh, come on, girls,
they're not that bad.
I do admit they can
be a bit meddlesome.
- Oh, ain't nothing
worse than a snoop.
(laughing)
- Schneider, it's really
not that they're snoopy,
they just don't think I can
be happy unless I'm married.
- Tell me about it.
Everybody I know has
got a daughter, a sister,
a niece, a friend
that I should meet.
- Schneider, you
would be quite a catch.
- One in a million.
(chuckling)
- I don't know where
they all hear about me.
I guess it's just like any
good product, word of mouth.
- Uh, thank you Schneider.
This has been very enlightening.
Goodbye.
- Ms. Romano, you
believe in reincarnation?
- Well.
- Because it's quite
possible that Don Juan
came back as as
Casanova and Casanova,
he came back as Clark Gable
and Clark Gable, came back as.
(laughing)
Just remember that
Ms. Romano next time
you say bye Schneider.
(laughing)
(applauding)
- Mom, we don't mean to
put Joyce and Fred down,
they're sweet, but
they do go overboard.
- Yeah, I mean they're so happy.
- And they're so
convinced you're not.
- I think I have that
worked out this time.
I wrote Joyce and
tried to convince her
how happy I am
with the single life,
how fulfilled I am by my job,
how exciting it is not to
be tied down to one man.
- How you believe
in the tooth fairy.
- Yeah, okay, so I
exaggerated a little,
but they don't have
to know that, do they?
- Of course not, good luck mom.
- Yeah, have fun.
- Hey, wait, no, you
have to stay here.
Uh-uh, stay, stay.
I need you here to help
me convince Joyce and Fred
that everything is fine
and couldn't be better,
life is perfect, lie.
(doorbell ringing)
- We're behind
you little trooper.
(laughing)
- Thank you.
- [Together] Hi.
- Annie.
Julie.
Barbara.
Joyce.
(laughing)
- It is so good to see you.
Oh, girls, I baked
your favorite, uh,
chocolate chip for Julie and
peanut butter for Barbara.
- I told Joyce you
girls are probably
too old for cookies.
- Oh, no, no, no, I'm
still young for my age.
- Me, too, thanks.
- And we brought a
little something for Annie.
- I bet you there's a
dehydrated man in there.
(laughing)
- Oh, you really shouldn't.
You guys are always bringing.
Oh, my God.
(laughing)
- 101 Places to Meet Mr. Right.
- And they're all
approved by the church.
- You shouldn't have.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- I mean it, Fred,
you shouldn't have.
- I tried to tell him Annie,
but he just won't believe
that you're doing okay.
- Oh, of course I believe it.
How you holding up Annie?
- She's doing great.
- Yeah, yeah, but the
job getting you down?
- She just got a
raise and a promotion.
- Sure, sure, but what
about your love life?
Seeing anyone special?
- Any one?
Every night we have to
dust her for fingerprints.
(laughing)
- Tell me, weren't you
girls going down to Karen's.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
(laughing)
- I thought you were.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Have fun.
- We'll see you real soon.
- Oh, Annie, they
are fine, really fine.
- They're not into
punk rock, are they?
(laughing)
- Only on weekends.
- Well, you know,
it's really very difficult.
I mean, holding down
a job and raising kids.
- We don't know how you manage.
- I had myself cloned.
Look, you guys, you
make it sound like
what I do is impossible.
At the worst, it's
almost impossible.
- You see, you are suffering.
- Now, honestly Annie,
I think it would better
for you and the girls
if there were a man
around the house.
- Oh, Fred, haven't you heard?
A woman without
a man is like a fish
without a bicycle.
- Oh, yes.
- Nevertheless, I think your
life could be better.
- Uh, can we change
the subject, okay?
How are things in Logan's Port?
- Well, we ran into
your ex last night
with his child bride.
She's not a bit like you,
Annie, just a pretty face.
- He was such a
fool to leave you.
- Are you forgetting sweetheart?
He didn't leave me, I left him.
- Either way, it
shouldn't have happened.
- Can we change the
subject again, okay?
- Oh, sure.
- Paulie Manjafrito
is still single.
- Paulie always talks about
his date with you Annie.
- Do you know that he
is now the number one
exterminator in Logan's Port?
- How can I make you
understand what it was like
to go to a drive-in
movie in a truck
with a five foot
rubber roach on top.
(laughing)
- Annie, be fair.
Bugs are his business.
It started to rain
and one of its legs
got caught in the
windshield wiper.
(laughing)
It was not fun.
- He's had it fixed.
- Oh.
- Fred, I don't think
Paulie's her type.
- Well, nevertheless,
there are still plenty
of eligible men in Logan's Port.
- Name five.
(laughing)
- Elmo Peterson, Harvey
Bullet, Ray Elm, Kent Wexler.
- Fred, every time we come here,
all we seem to
do is pick on Ann.
- Who's picking on her?
I just think she'd be
better off in Logan's Port.
I mean here the
poor baby has no one.
- Oh, I'm not exactly out in
the snow selling matches.
Look, I like my life.
I like my job.
I like my kids.
I like my apartment.
And most of all, I
like my freedom.
- What a little trooper.
- Fred, Fred, why don't
you go take a walk?
A walk.
- Oh, oh, I get it,
time for some girl talk.
Well, if anyone can talk
some sense into her, it's you.
Annie, you know that
the reason I'm butting
in on your life is because,
well, because I really care.
- I know that Fred.
And you see, Joyce and I are
just so darn happily married,
we want the same for you.
See you later.
- [Ann] Okay, bye-bye.
- Trooper.
(laughing)
- I hope Fred didn't
upset you, he means well.
- Look, Joyce, I
know I'm really lucky
to have friends
like you and Fred,
but really I'm doing fine.
- Oh, I know, I know.
I could tell by your letters.
Oh, and Annie, I, I think
moving back to Logan's Port
would be a big mistake.
- I don't believe it, I
got through to someone.
- Well, your letters
showed me that there's
more than life than
just stuffing cucumbers
into a food processor.
- You bet there is.
- I mean, your job, all
the interesting people,
the new ideas.
I mean it's all so exciting.
I mean, you are branching out.
Oh, Annie, you've put
everything into focus.
- Good.
- I mean, you're responsible.
- Responsible?
- Well, if it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have the courage
to make this decision.
- Joyce, what are
you talking about?
- Well, I'm leaving Fred.
(laughing)
(applauding)
- Joyce, you can't leave Fred.
- Well, that's what I
keep telling myself,
but I refuse to listen.
- Can't I change your mind?
- Well, Ann, you
made up my mind.
- Me?
Well, what do I
have to do with it?
- Well, you're my inspiration.
- Inspiration?
For breaking up your marriage?
- Oh, no, for making
me see that I have to,
well I have to
strike out on my own
if I ever want to do anything
meaningful with my life.
Where's your can opener?
- Here, can opener's
right, here you go.
Joyce, divorce is
not that meaningful.
- Well, it was for you.
- Well, yeah, but
that was different.
I mean, Ed and I
had serious problems.
Oh, how is Ed's mother?
- No.
(laughing)
It was, uh, a lot
more than that.
- Well, Fred and I
had problems, too.
- Oh, Joyce, like what?
Chronic happiness?
I'm sorry, darling.
You really are serious
about this, aren't you?
Come here, come talk to me.
It isn't someone else?
I mean Fred wouldn't.
- Fred wouldn't.
- You wouldn't.
- Oh, I wouldn't.
- Well, I mean, people do.
- I don't.
- Okay, okay, that's
fine, that's lovely.
Here, tell me.
You haven't been
having a lot of headaches.
- It's not sex.
- Good, I mean you know
because when that goes,
there is, what is it Joyce?
You and Fred seem
like such a perfect match.
- Oh, yeah, the bland
leading the bland.
(laughing)
- Sweetheart, you're
not bland, you're reliable.
- Thanks a lot.
- No, I meant that nice.
Well, I remember
in the fourth grade,
you were the only
one who could drink
chocolate milk without
getting a mustache.
Oh, clean as a
whistle every time.
I was jealous.
- Oh, I want a mustache.
I want to be reckless.
Do you know I get my kicks?
When my souffles don't fall.
(laughing)
- Your souffles don't fall?
- Not even when I
slam the oven door.
Oh, Annie, I feel
trapped, trapped, trapped.
You know, I keep
having this nightmare.
I'm locked in a supermarket
with a whole bunch
of other housewives
and this giant roll
of toilet paper keeps
running after us
trying to squeeze us.
(laughing)
- Uh, Joyce, have you
talked to Fred about this?
- Well, it's not his fault.
Fred is wonderful.
Our relationship is wonderful.
Our kids are wonderful
and I'm miserable.
Are you trying to tell me
Joyce that you are unhappy
because you're happy?
- Exactly.
- Oh, Annie, all around
me, women like you
are conquering new fields.
I see what's going on.
I mean I look at the paper,
I watch television.
Well, I read Cosmopolitan.
(laughing)
- Joyce, believe it or not,
Helen Gurley Brown does
not have all the answers.
Did it ever occur to
you that having a job
is not all glamor
and excitement?
- Never.
- Well, it's not, it
can get pretty dull.
Tons of busy work,
hours of sitting at a desk
being hassled by a boss
who has the brain power
of an armadillo.
(phone ringing)
Excuse me.
Hello?
Oh, Mr. Davenport,
speaking of armadillos.
No, I didn't mean, that
was just a figure of speech.
What?
Oh, you're kidding.
They accepted the
campaign and I get to
go to New Orleans?
Oh, that is fab-,
fair, excited, no,
hardly excited, yeah.
Uh-huh, I have to
leave on Monday?
Okay, bye-bye.
Damn, another trip.
(laughing)
- Oh, another trip!
Ooh, I'm such a housewife.
- You make it
sound like a disease.
You're letting all
that media hype
get you down.
Oh, come on,
Annie, don't kid me.
You like your life.
- Well.
- Come on, come on.
- Yeah, all right, I admit it,
I do like my life.
I enjoy my job.
I'm fulfilled in what I do,
but darling, you are not me.
And there are
times when I'd love
to just run back to
that safe little world,
being just a wife and mother.
- There.
You said it.
Just a wife and mother.
- Oh, come on, you
know what I mean.
But you don't know
what I miss being single.
I miss sharing my life.
It can get pretty lonely.
- Lonely?
- Oh, you bet.
My girls are away
and I'm here by myself,
the loneliness can
get almost unbearable.
- All right, sorry I'm late.
(laughing and applauding)
But there's so many
women in this building
and there's no men around.
No wonder I'm always tired.
- Schneider, super.
- Oh, I bet he is.
(laughing)
You never mentioned
this one in your letters.
- Uh, Schneider.
- Hey, hey, hey, little
lady, first things first,
wait till you get
a whiff of this,
birds do it, bees do it,
even if you can't agree, do it.
- I don't know
what's going on, huh?
- Don't be impatient.
When I come out of the shower,
we can go into the bedroom
and you can show me
what you want done.
(laughing)
- Oh, Annie, do you
want me to leave?
- No, no, we can use
you to hold the mirror.
(laughing)
- Uh, Schneider, I changed
my mind, tomorrow, okay?
- Tomorrow, I got
a full day tomorrow.
Can you believe this.
She's been begging
me all week long
and now she's changing her mind.
(laughing)
And about the shower.
- All right forget it,
I'll take it downstairs
at Ms. Penfield.
With all that she wants done,
you may lose your place in line.
- Schneider.
- Could be a week.
You want to wait that long.
- If I have to.
- All right, nice
meeting you ma'am.
If ever you need anything done,
I freelance on the weekend.
But if we're talking
about double time.
(laughing and applauding)
- I know what you're thinking.
And you're wrong.
- Oh, Annie.
What's it like?
- What's what like?
- Well, you know, all those men,
all those different men?
- Well, you know, you
seen one, you seen them all.
- Annie!
- I'm kidding.
- Well, I was just curious.
I mean, after all
these years with Fred,
I was just wondering
what it would be like
with someone else.
Is that awful of me?
- No, Cosmopolitan
says it's very healthy
to have fantasies.
- Oh, I have one.
I have this one where I
wrap myself in a sheet
and hide in the linen closet
and then Fred decides
to make the bed.
- [Ann] Go on.
- And then as he, as
he changes the sheets,
I roll out onto the
mattress and then Fred
screams with excitement
and dies of a heart attack.
(laughing)
Even my fantasies are flops.
- Oh, Joyce, I hate
to see you like this.
What's go into you?
- Oh, I don't know.
I guess it was your letters.
Oh, and then about a month ago,
Fred and I went to this
party and do you know
every woman in that room did
something different except me.
- Sounds like a kinky party.
- Oh, you know what I mean.
- I mean people
ask me what I did
and when I told them
I was a housewife,
well, they looked at me as
if I was a genuine antique.
- I know, I've been there.
- I was actually
ashamed to admit
that I was just a housewife,
you know, that I did nothing.
Well, I'm not even
into real estate.
(laughing)
- Joyce, I just don't
think that people realize
how complicated being
a terrific housewife is.
What you do in one day would
give Wonder Woman a hernia.
(laughing)
- Just being busy isn't enough.
You know the last exciting thing
that happened to me was
when I was fourth runner up
at the Pillsbusy Bake-Off.
- You met Bob
Barker, didn't you?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, Annie, you know what I mean.
I mean, you know, I
just want to be involved.
- Sweetheart, you are involved.
For one thing, you're
active in the PTA.
- Oh, yeah, big deal.
Every Thursday, I stand
around the auditorium
passing out fruit
punch and Ding Dongs.
- Okay, Joyce,
maybe you're right.
I can see your epitaph now.
Joyce Emerson born
1941, died, we never noticed.
- Well, it's true.
I've never done one
outstanding thing.
- Yeah, when I think
of the mingy little things
that you do, that you
waste your time on,
I tell you, I mean like
staying up all night
sewing costumes for
your kid's school play.
Ha, ha, what a joke.
- Yeah, of course,
the kids, well the kids
did appreciate it.
- Yeah, well, I guess
somebody had to do it.
- Well, I didn't
exactly have to.
- Well, don't tell
me you wanted to
with all the options
open to you,
you wanted to
fritter away your time
sewing a bunch
of grapes together?
- Well, it was important
to my daughter,
and they were raspberries.
- Whatever.
And then there was
that volunteer program
you organized at the hospital.
You didn't even get paid.
- Well, just because you
don't get paid doesn't mean
your work is worthless.
- Sure.
Gee, Joycie, you
just gotta face it.
Being active in the community,
running the household,
raising children,
there's just very
much to speak of,
it's just not today.
- You know, I'm beginning
to resent your attitude.
- What attitude?
- Well, every time I
do something I enjoy,
someone tries to
make me feel guilty.
Well, if what I
enjoy is different
from what you
enjoy, well what of it?
- Yeah, well, Joyce, if
that's the way you feel.
No one can force
you into a career.
- Well, you're damn
right they can't.
I mean, I like being a housewife
and I like being a mother
and you know something else?
I am darn good at it,
so if you think that (mumbling).
Oh, Annie.
Before you, you see
a woman who has just
made a fool of herself.
- Oh, no you haven't.
- Oh, yes I have.
Oh, honey.
You know what's really funny?
- What's that?
- Fred left me here
to straighten you out.
Oh, dear Fred and I was
thinking of leaving him.
- Who's leaving who?
- Oh, no one you know.
- Well, I'm glad of that
and I'm sure glad we don't
have those problems honey.
- Oh, we sure don't.
- We found Fred
loitering in the halls.
- Didn't want him
to get in any trouble.
- So we kind of
convinced him to take
us all out to dinner.
- There is a great new
salad bar on second.
- Salad bar.
- Okay, we'll get the
car, come on girls.
- [Together] Okay.
- Did you two ladies
have a nice chat?
- Yes, we did.
We talked about choices.
- I hope you made the right one.
- You have nothing
to worry about, Fred.
(applauding)
(One Day at at
Time instrumental)
One day at a Time was
recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.