One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 2 - Father, Dear Father: Part 2 - full transcript

Ann and family learn why Ed is so broke.

♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ ♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- [Narrator] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.

- Ed, I think they should
be involved in this.

It's their money.

- Money? Money? Somebody died?

- We're getting some money?

- You're getting it, alright!

But it's not money.

Your father wants to
stop paying child support.

- OK, she's right.

The truth is I'm broke.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't bother her.

Yeah, thank you.

Well, seems that Mrs Cooper

can't come to the
phone right now.

Poor dear's in the swimming pool

according to the maid.

Ed, you have a
responsibility to these girls.

Skipping child support
may be the national pastime,

but you're not going
to get away with it.

I'll take you to court!

- Four ginger ales and a twist.

- And another scotch
on the rock, rocks.

(glasses toppling) Oh,
I beg your pardon, Sir.

(people laughing)

- No, no, no, don't tell him!

Don't tell him!

- Hey, there's my
little babies, my girls.

Hi, Julie! Hi,
Barbie! (laughing)

- [Julia And Barbara] Dad!

- Hey honeys, how (moaning)

(loud thud)

- Dad! (gasping)

- [Narrator] And now
for the conclusion

of Father Dear Father.

- [Julie] Daddy,
are you alright?

- Come on, Mr Cooper,
up we go, come on.

- Somebody tripped me

but it's alright, madam.

I didn't spill a drop!

(people applauding)

- Oh, he's loaded.

- Come on, sit down, Mr Cooper.

- Oh, thank you, thank you.

Whoop! (laughing)

Norman and Jack, right?

- Jack and Norman.

- Right, right!

You thought I'd forget,
didn't ya? (laughing)

Well, I guess you never thought

you'd run into your old
dad tonight, huh? (laughing)

- No, we thought you were
going back to Logan's Port.

- Well, I had to get
my car gassed up

but they won't serve
it here. (laughing)

Norman and Jack, right?

- Jack and Norman.

- Right, right.

Waitress! (whistling)

Yoo hoo! Waitress!

Now I got it!

Jack and Norman, right?

- Oh, Mr Cooper.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you got it, daddy.

- Waitress!

Over here!

Here we go.

Put it right down
here on a table, honey.

The drinks, I mean. (laughing)

Oh hey, I shouldn't
talk like that

in front of my little
girls. (laughing)

I'm not a chest man, really.

You can ask their mother.

- Daddy, please.

- Aw, isn't she cute?

She's always been my favorite.

- Daddy, you don't
need that drink.

- Don't tell your
father what he needs.

I haven't stopped
your support check yet.

- Why don't I go
see about dinner?

- No, no thanks. I'm not hungry.

- Let's go to our house.

- Bye, Mr Cooper.

- What, with your mother there?

Woah, woah, woah, no.

Hey, I spent 17
years with that lady

and all I got to show for
it is a broken ear drum.

Just remember, loud things
come in little packages.

- Yes, sir.

- Did you know their
mother hates my guts?

- Yes, sir.

- I mean, no, sir.

- Daddy, she doesn't really.

Let's go home.

- Never, never, never
marry a redhead.

Of course, she wasn't a
redhead when I married her.


Waitress, another round!

- I don't think you
need another one, sir.

- Waitress, can we
have the check please?

- I'm paying, I'm paying.

Your mother doesn't
think so, but I'm paying.

Ed Cooper always pays.

Boy, am I paying.

Uh-oh. Where's my wallet?

My wallet's missing.

I beg your pardon, ma'am.

When you tripped me,
did you see my wallet?

- Daddy, daddy,
we'll find it, OK?

Come on, come on.

- Mom.




(Ed drunkenly singing)

- Alright, buddy, hold it down!

- They don't write
songs like that anymore!

- He's right, ya
know? They don't.

OK, whoops!

Stay there, Cooper.


- Ouch, now that
(mumbling) home,

I feel like trashcan.

- Well, it's just a precaution.

Believe me, the faster
you get these drunks

off the carpeting and
into the can, the better.


- He could use some coffee.

- I really think it's
too late for that.

We'd better just
let him sleep it off.

Come on, Pally.

Let's take a little snoozey

before you get woozy and
burp up the boozey. (laughing)

- Come on, daddy.

I'll take you in.

- Woah, woah, woah.

I got two socks and one shoe.

Where'd I get the extra sock?

- I don't know.

Come on, let's just go.

(Ed drunkenly singing)

- Sorry you had to see
him like this, Schneider.

- Ah, come on.

What are we talking about?

I've seen hundreds
of drunks in my time.

My father, I mean
(laughing) gee.

Ah gosh, I remember
when I was just a little kid.

He'd put me on his knee

and he'd say to me, "Schneider."

Then he's just doze off.

He never gave me any advice.

Well, the man had problems.

He had personality problems.

I mean, they wouldn't let
him into the Oaks, the Masons,

the Knights of Pythias.


Until finally, he
just started drinking

so he could join up with the AA.

Where's your mom?

- I don't know.

- Listen.

Why's your old man
off on such a toot?

He still carrying a
torch for Ms Romano?

- No.

- Well, none of my business

I got plenty of work.

IRS call him in?

- No.

- Let's see here.

Got a couple of
split ends on it.

Prostate problem?

- No.

- You're not gonna
tell me are you?

- No.

- You're a rotten kid.

- Yeah.

- I know what it
is, I know what it is!

Right? (clapping)

Business is booming.

He wants to dump Vicky.

He wants you three to
go back and live with him.

- Wrong.

Business is failing,
he's in love with Vicky,

and he wants to cut
off the child support.

- Phew!

Well to hell with him.

Don't move back in with him.

- Daddy got some
dirt on his pants.

- (sighing) That was
so embarrassing.

First, he falls down
in the restaurant.

And then, when he comes
out of the men's room,

he's got his tie
caught in his fly.


- I thought it was funny.

- Oh, it was awful.

- Barbara, he was just drunk.

- Just drunk?

And that makes it OK?

- Aw, well poor Barbara's
embarrassed by her daddy.

(Ed belching)

- It's disgusting.

- Oh Barbara, instead
of being so righteous,

why don't you help him?

That's our father in there.

He loves you.

(laughing) He thinks
you're the greatest.

- Alright, Julie, knock it off.

I'm really sorry dad said that.

I've just never seen
him like this before.

It really scares me.

- I know.

He's got a lot of problems.

- Yeah.

You really think mom's
going to take him to court?

- Barbara, she
has every right to.

- Come on!

He's broke.

I thought you were on his side.

- Barbara, I'm not
on anybody's side,

but it's not mom's fault

that dad spends
everything he's got on Vicky.

- I can still remember
dad as the one

who solved all the problems.

- (sighing) I guess it's
time that we realized

that he's not 16 feet tall.

- He sure wasn't when he
had his tie caught in his fly.


- Aw, poor daddy.

He goes broke, he
gets drunk, he get sick.

Barbara, he gets sick!

You better go put
a pan by the bed.

- Why me?

- Well, I put him in your bed.

- You put him in my bed?!

- Yeah, I'm not stupid.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, mom.

- Well, you two
girls are home early.

- One of the guys.

Well, he wasn't
feeling too well.

Where you been?

- Shopping at Blocks.

I got so mad at your father
about the child support,

I went out and
bought a $200 outfit.

- I thought we had to cut down.

- Yeah, we do.

I just want to look at
it for a couple of days

so I can really hate him
when I have to take it back.

- Barbara.

Now, mom can't see him here.

We gotta get him out of here.

- What do you want me to do?

Pour him down the sink?

- Well, we'll just get
him down to Schneider's

when mom goes to bed.

- The more I think of your
father buying a new house,

the pool, and a
sauna, with a maid

and then coming in here
crying about his finances.

What's the pan for?

- Oh, well.

- Barbara twisted her ankle
and she wants to soak it.

- Right.

- Honey! You OK?

- Yeah.

- Do you think you can
make it over to the chair?

- Oh mom, of course I can.

It really doesn't
hurt that much, mom.

- Here you go, sit down.

I'll take care of it.

I'll get you some ice.

- Well look, it
really doesn't hurt.

Why don't you go to bed?

- Go to bed?

Honey, it's only nine o'clock.

I'm not tired.

Take your shoe off.

- Not that foot, the other one.


I'm gonna go make
sure there's plenty of ice.

(Ed belching)

- Julie, are you OK?

- Yeah, upset stomach.

- She better take
some milk of magnesia.

Lots of it.

- Good idea.

Here you are, sweetheart.

Take some of that.

Honey, you know, that
doesn't look swollen.

- Well, you know.

It just happened
a few minutes ago.

- I see, OK, stick it in there.

- Mom, it's cold!

- Oh, that's good!

The colder, the better!

Freezing would be nice!

- Mom, Julie's not
taking her medicine.

- Julie, take your medicine.

- Ma, you know, I'm
feeling much better now.

It was just the 24 second flu.

- Uh, mom, maybe
you should go to bed.

You look tired.

- No, I'm not.

- Mom, it's been a long day.

- I feel fine!

Really, I do.

I haven't shown
you my outfit yet.

- Ma, you may feel fine,
but you don't look too good.

- Oh, thanks.

- Mom, it comes on quick.

I felt really good a minute ago.

- Right.

Why don't you take
a nice hot bath?

- Yes, yes.

A nice long hot bath!

- Well, that sounds kinda good.

You know, ma, I was
thinking at your age,

a nice long hot bath
might be bad for your heart.

- OK.

What's going on around here?

- Nothing.

(shower running)

- Who's using the water?

- Jacques Cousteau?

- Alright, what kind of
song and dance is this, huh?

(Ed drunkenly singing)

Oh my god.

Oh, I got it, OK.

How'd you sleep, sweetheart?

- I'm a little stiff,

but I did find a dollar and a
quarter under the cushions.

Maybe I should take
up sleeping for a living?

- Like they say, do
what you do best.

- Cute.

- Somebody really
should call Vicky

and tell her where dad is.

- I did.

I called her last night
and told her he slept over.

- Oh, in our room, of course.

- Of course.

But I waited to tell her that.

That was the fun
part. (laughing)

- Ma, what are you making?

- Oh, a little something
for the playboy's hangover.

Tomato juice, Worcester
sauce, and a dash of Tabasco.

- Mother, you know he's never
been drunk like this before.

He's hurting.

- Good.

Barbara, take this to
your father, will you?

Julie, look.

I know he's hurting
and I'm sorry for him,

but I don't want to
feel too sorry for him

before I get to a lawyer.

If I could afford a lawyer.

To fight the lawyer
he can't afford.

(laughing) Great.

Our whole future is in the
hands of two cheap lawyers.

- Daddy, breakfast!

- Ah, Julie.

See, I don't want
to hurt your father

and I don't want to hurt Vicky.

Not really.

But if your father is broke,

he should get out
there and sell his maid

and fire his house.

What'd I just say?

(Ed yelling)

I think you father's
enjoying his tomato juice.

I know I am. (laughing)

Oh Hi, Ed.

How are you feeling?

- I was better before
you cauterized my throat.

- Sorry about that.

But it did get your attention.

- Good morning, daddy.

- It shows what you know.

Where's my other shoe?

- You lost it last night, pop.

- Dad, I want you to
have some breakfast.

I've scrambled the eggs so
they won't be staring at you.

- Thanks.


I'll just ease into it
with a little coffee.

- Here you go.

- Thank you, honey.

Well, here's mud in your eye.

- I didn't make the coffee.

- Look, I'm sorry
about last night, OK?

- OK.

Barbara, get me some
of that coffee, will ya?

I don't want your father
to drink alone again.

- Mom.

- That was a cheap shot.

- It's all I can afford.

- Ann, I'm broke.

What do you want me to do?

Sell a kidney?

- After last night, you
couldn't get two cents for them.

- Here you go, guys.

- Oh good.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Looks good.

Here you go, Ed.


- Let's see, toast in a minute.


- I guess it's been a long time

since you've had a
man sleep over, huh?

- No.

Oh, sleep over.

Well, if you want
to get technical.

- Not any of my business,

but I think it's great that
you've overcome your frigidity.

- We're feeling
better, aren't we?

Speedy Gonzales.

- That's not funny.

- I never did
think it was funny.

- Can't a man eat
breakfast in peace?

Leave me alone, will ya?

- If you want some
peace, go sit in your sauna.

- Get off my back now!

- Will you two please stop it?

So we lose some money,
what's the big deal?

It doesn't do any good
getting stinking drunk.

- Barbara, eat your
breakfast, will you?

- Now look, Barbara.


You too, Julie.

If I could erase
last night, I would.

But I can't, I'll never
be able to get rid of it.

- Oh, daddy.

I thought you were kinda cute
conducting the piano player.

- He didn't.

- With a flaming shish kebab.

- Oh boy, you got a
winner for a father.

- You know it.

- Good old dad, can't
even be a successful failure.

- Would you stop
putting yourself down?

- It's called the morning
after fuzzy-tongued blues.

- Well, you never
give up, do you?

Alright, you want to hear it.

Here it is, you love it so much.

I'm a failure, alright?

I'm losing my company.

I'm losing my family.

I'm losing Vicky.

- Vicky?

- Ed?

- That's right, yeah.

Does that make your day?

I'm losing Vicky.

That's one thing
I'm not a failure at!

Losing wives.

- Ed, wait a minute.

- Nah, don't worry, you'll
get your money somehow!

- Hi there, Cooper. How are ya?

Glad to see you're
looking alive there.

I just brought you
a little pick me up

with some baking soda
and papaya juice, here.

Yeah, it's also good
for cleaning the carpets.

Here you go, kid.

- Nah, drink it yourself.

- How about a
little iced cap, huh?

- Daddy, please don't go.

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Hair of the dog that bit ya?

- Ed, we didn't
know about Vicky.

- How about a couple of toggle
boats, keep your eyes open.

- Schneider!

- (clearing throat) Why don't
you at least have a mint?

Breath could bend a wrench.

- Schneider, I don't
need your help!

I don't need your help, Ann.

I don't need anybody's help.

- You know about
Vicky, the way I see it...

- Would you get out of here?

- You know, Ms Romano.

It's getting harder and
harder to be your friend.

(door slamming)

- Anybody want to say
something cheerful?

- Yeah, you think of
something and tell me about it.

- Where are my car keys?

- On the chest.


- Thank you.

- Where is my car?

- We parked it
around that corner.

- Thank you.

- Can I have some money?

- Ed.

- No wallet, no money, one shoe.

I don't need any help.

Boy, what a laugh that is.

- Aw, daddy, we love you.

- Yeah, it's hard to
believe, but we do.

- Aw, Julie.

Barbara told me
what I said last night

about her being my favorite.

- I've always known that.

- But I also remember
that you're the one

that did everything for me.

- Aw, daddy, you know me.

I never could resist
bringing home strays.

- It's more than that.

Sweetheart, you
are second to none.

- Thank goodness.

First is such a responsibility.


- Ed, are you sure
about losing Vicky?

- Oh, Ann.

Vicky's not like you.

She's used to nice things.

I mean, let's face it.

I've had more to give
Vicky than I could give you.

Now, I gotta take it all away.

She's not going to
be able to handle that.

- But doesn't she understand
that you can't help it?

- It doesn't make
any difference.

You guys come first.

- Ed, look...
- Ann, wait, look, look.

Now you know me,
I'm not the martyr type,

but getting drunk last
night really cleared my head.

- Pardon me?

- You know what I mean.

Look, the court says
first in time, first in line.

That's the way it's gotta be.

Alright, maybe I can
save the business,

but the house is
going, the maid is going.

- Daddy.

Who cares what the courts say?

Yes, you've got an
obligation to us and to Vicky.

But did you ever realize

that we've got an
obligation to you?

- Look, dad, we can help.

We can cut down.

Julie can get a full time job.

- And so can Vicky.

Why not?

She's healthy and she's
certainly young enough.

- Ann, you don't know Vicky.

She needs to be taken care of.

- Ah, seems I've heard
that somewhere before.

I gotta tell you something, Ed.

You're consistent.

You never do seem
to get the message.

- And just what is that
supposed to mean?

- OK.

Ed, you're sitting
here telling us

that Vicky's going to leave you

if you take away all the
toys that you gave her.

I'll bet you 10 to one

you haven't even
talked to her about it.

- Well, Vicky is not you, Ann.

- (laughing) Ed, OK look.

Maybe you married
a spoiled brat, OK?

Or maybe you're just
turning her into one.

Every marriage has its problems,

but at least give Vicky a chance

to help you solve
those problems.

- Oh, professor, I've
heard the lecture.

- Did you ever stop to think
that it may be you she loves

and not all the
things you give her?

- Yeah, daddy.

Come on, give her a chance.

- What do you got to lose?

- (sighing) Well.

There's sure one
thing we all agree on.

My way hasn't worked.

- What are you doing?

- I'm going to tell Vicky
she's losing the house.

- On the telephone?

- Look, Ann, you gave the
speech, I got the point, alright?

There are some things I
want to do my way, OK?

- OK.

But on the telephone?

- Oh come on,
Ann, leave me alone!

Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, Lucille. (laughing)

Lucille, would you call Mrs
Cooper to the phone, please?

This is Ed.

Ed Cooper, the
guy who hired you.

She's gone for sure.

Hi, honey.


Hey listen, I'm sorry
about last night.

Oh, Ann called you?

- Yeah, I told her you
wanted to spend some time

with the girls so
you slept over.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Yeah, look, Vicky, I
got some bad news.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's just that well,

it's nothing for you to
worry your pretty head about.

Well look, Vicky.

Well, I'm gonna be
a little late for dinner.

- Ed, you can't talk
about it over the phone.

It's something you
gotta do face to face.

- Yeah, thank you, Ann.

That's Ann, she wants to
make sure I send you her love.

She sends her love, yeah.

She sends it back.

Look, Vicky.

I've got a problem.

We've got a problem.

And I need your help.

- I need your help.

There's a time when I
would have given anything

to have heard that.

- Yeah, well maybe you're right.

Maybe we should
talk face to face.

Look, I'll be home
right away, OK?

Yeah, me too.


Annie, listen.

About the child
support, I'll help all I can.

- We'll work it out, Ed.

Oh and hey, you know
if things get too tough,

the girls and I will just
move in with you and Vicky.

- We'll work it out.

Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Bye, daddy.

- Goodbye, baby.
- Bye, daddy.

- Would you get
rid of this thing?

- What do you want
me to do with it?

- I don't care, throw
it out the window.

- OK.

Heads up!

- Hey Cooper, guess what?

I found your other shoe.


- [Narrator] One Day at a
Time was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

(Sony fanfare)