One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 4 - Bob's New Girl - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- And that doesn't help.

Oh terrific, I
should've, all right.

(rapping on table)

- You know Ms.
Romano, I don't know if

I should say this.

- Go ahead and say it.

- Gin.



(audience laughs)

- Good for you.

Why were you afraid to say it?

- Well, when I
play with my sister

and I have gin,
she always hits me.

(Ann laughs)

Oh, wow.

I wouldn't hit ya.

(audience laughs)

- You two still at it?

- Yeah, this is fun.

You know, I could play
with Ms. Romano all day.

I mean, cards.

(laughs)

I think I'll have another apple.

- Okay, hurry up.

It's your deal.

- Uh, Ma, Cliff's coming over,

do you think you could, Bob...

- Uh, yeah, yeah, sorry darling.

Uh, Bob, let's wrap it up, okay.

It's getting late.

- All right.

Oh, before I go, I
want to show you

a new card trick, Barbara...

- Uh, could you show
us some other time?

- Well that's all
right, I'm in no rush.

You're gonna love this one.

(Barbara scoffs)

Knocked them dead
at the Scoutorama.

(audience laughs)

All right.

Now take a card.

- Any card?
- Yeah.

- That was a great trick, Bob.

- Wait a minute,
I'm not done yet.

Show it to your Mom
and don't let me see it.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Now hand it back face down.

- Okay.

- Now I place it
onto my forehead.

(audience laughs)

The card you saw was
the seven of spades.

- Wrong.

It was the seven of hearts.

- Oh, then you must
mean the one in my pocket.

- Ah, how did you do that?

That is fabulous.

- You better go.

(audience laughs)

- Wait, no wait.

Tell me how you did that.
- Ma, Ma, Ma.

- I'm impressed with that trick.

- Ma, Ma.
- All right, Bob, bye.

Goodbye, your parents
must be wondering

where you are.

- Oh nah, they never worry.

They know when I'm with Barbara,

nothing ever happens.

(audience laughs)

- I'll go along with that.

- Bye, I really enjoyed it.

- Yeah, good.

- You know, I feel so
much at home here.

- Oh, good.

- The only other
place I feel at home

like this is the zoo.

(audience laughs)

Especially those
little koala bears.

They're so cute.

You know, I remember
one was looking at me...

- Yeah, I'll see ya later.

And I threw...
- Okay, Bob, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

- Barbara.

Can I talk to you
a minute alone?

- Well...
- It won't take long.

- Uh, okay, one minute.

- Thanks.
- One minute.

- Bye again.

- Okay, Bob.

What is it?

- Well, Barbara, we've
known each other

for a long time now.

- Yeah, it's getting longer.

- Well, don't
you think it's time

we told everybody?

- Told everybody what?

- Well, you know,
about us going steady.

- We're going steady?

- Well sure, we see
each other every day

and we're practically
living together,

except for the nights.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, Bob...
- I wasn't hinting.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

Bob, we're very good friends,

but you can't call
it going steady

kind of friends, you know?

- Well, we exchanged
pictures, didn't we?

- Yeah.

- I keep yours on my nightstand.

Right between my mom and my dog.

(audience laughs)

- Bob.

I date Cliff Randall
a lot, you know?

- I know, I don't mind.

It's just a stage
you're going through.

But when it comes down
to a permanent relationship,

I'm a lot better for
ya than Cliff Randall.

- Why?

- Well, remember you once said

you were going to stay a
virgin until you married?

(audience laughs)

- So?

- So, with me you're sure.

(audience laughs)

- I don't know what to say, Bob.

- Okay, okay, if you don't
want to let people know,

I won't push you.

The important thing is
you and I know, right?

- I don't... Bob.

- Sorry.

You bring out the animal in me.

(audience laughs)

- All right, all right.

Knock it off.

What do you think this
is, lover's lane, hot lips?

- Schneider, how long
have you been there?

- Long enough to hear you
making virgin references.

(audience laughs)

This guy forcing his intentions?

- Of course not.

- Well I thought I was.

- Bob, I'll see ya later, okay?

- Yeah.

- Wait a minute.

I like you, you're a nice kid.

Let me give you some advice.

You play the tuba, right?

- Yes, sir.

- All right, now the next time

that you get an urge to pucker,

I want you to think,
John Philip Sousa.

- John Philip Sousa.

(playing Sousa music with mouth)

- Well, what was that all about?

- He thinks we're going steady.

- That's not true.

I've always thought of
you as more of a daughter.

(Schneider laughs)

- Poor Bob, he thinks
that wishing will make it so.

- He wants to announce
it to the whole world.

- I can just see
the headline now.

Bob Morton gives up Frisbee
for the woman he loves.

(Ann laughs)

- Hey, this is no
laughing matter.

How am I going to tell Bob
not to come over here so often?

- Well, one way
is to level with him.

- Level with him?

Then I'd hurt his feelings.

I mean, he's so cute, he's like

a big ole sheep dog.

- Why don't you just
put him in a kennel?

(audience laughs)

- Ma, you and Bob
get along just great.

How about if you told him?

- Me?

- Yeah, you've got this
great diplomatic way with you.

I mean, you have a perfect
way of communicating

with people.

- I do, don't I?

- [Barbara] Uh huh.

- You tell him.

- Look, uh, you want me to talk

to the kid, I mean, we all know

I'm an expert on
affairs of the heart.

- Uh, Schneider, I don't think

it would be a good
idea if you talk to him.

- Sure it would.

I mean, this may come
as a surprise to you,

but I've had my
disappointments in l'amour.

- You?

- Oh, Schneider, that
is really incredible.

- I know, and it's true.

It happened to me
once in the Navy.

Heh, we pulled into Tokyo.

I met her at a Japanese bath.

(audience laughs)

She took off her clothes.

I took off my clothes.

Her brother, the sumo wrestler

took off his clothes.

(audience laughs)

I put on my clothes.

She washed his clothes.

- Schneider.
- He put on her clothes.

- Schneider, Schneider.

Have you ever thought
of writing your memoirs?

- Yeah, I thought about
it but I can't get past

the research.

- Schneider,
thanks for your help

but no thanks.

- Now wait a second.

That's like a new
mother turning down

advice from Dr. Spock.

- Oh, well.

- All right, but, if you
change your mind,

I always make house calls.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

- Schneider.

- Hi, Cliff.

- Hi, doll.

- Now they're both here.

Hanky and Panky.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, Schneider,
relax, I can handle it.

- This is starting to
look like Snow White

and the seven studs.

(audience laughs)

Hanky and Panky
and Grabby and Kissy

and Touchy and Squeezy and Me.

- Hiya, Bob.

(Barbara laughs nervously)

Gee, what are you doing here?

- Oh, oh.

I asked him up.

See, I bumped into
him down in the hall

and he told me about
how you and him

are going steady.

- Well, I thought
I owed it to Cliff

to let him know.

After all, he's the other man.

- Wow, I mean, I certainly
appreciate that, Bob.

I mean it's not every
guy who can do that.

That's class.

Doesn't that show
class, Ms. Romano?

- Uh, Cliff...

- I only wanted to
do the right thing.

- Barbara, don't you think
you should be leaving?

- Right, come
on, Cliff, let's go.

- Hey, Bob, listen.

I just want you
to know one thing.

I'm not backing
away because of you.

I am going to do my darnest

to take her away from you.

- I know that.

(audience laughs)

And may the best man win.

- Right.

- Come on, Cliff,
let's go, please.

- Yeah, this is
all pretty heavy.

We better talk about
it at the movies.

- Yeah, why don't we?

- I meant Barbara.

- Say, are you going
to go see Grease?

I hear people are going
back three and four times.

- Are you kidding?

I can't take that Travolta.

I mean, nobody, but
nobody struts around

like that guy in real life.

(audience laughs)

(applause)

- Bob, stay.

- Okay.

- Can we talk?

- Sure.

Why don't you sit down, huh?

Bob, tell me something.

Doesn't it bother you
Barbara's going out

with Cliff?

You seem so calm about it.

- It adds spice to
our relationship.

- Yeah, I know, but,

since Barbara's going
out with other boys,

don't you think you
should be dating other girls?

- Oh, Ms. Romano,
I could never do that.

I could never be
unfaithful to Barbara.

- Do yourself a
favor, be unfaithful.

- You man like, pre-adultery?

- Wow, you're still here?

- Uh, yeah, I left
but I came back.

Julie, do I look
like the kind of guy

that would be
unfaithful to Barbara?

- You mean you shook
hands with another girl?

(audience laughs)

- Well I like Barbara
more than I've ever

liked anybody else.

- Well she likes
you too, Bob, a lot.

- Julie.

Uh, Bob, liking a
person, you know,

is a whole lot different
from loving a person.

- Well I don't only like her.

I love her.

- Then take her.

She is yours.

- Julie, see what
I'm trying to do here

is explain to Bob
how Barbara feels.

- I know she
doesn't feel about me

the way I feel about her.

I don't know why.

I'm such a nice guy.

- You are.

Bob, you are.

You're a terrific guy, see.

And that's why I
don't think you should

hang around Barbara so much.

You know, you
should be able to make

some choices.

Right, Julie?

- Hmm?

- Right, Julie?

- Oh, oh.

- [Ann] Right, Julie?

- Oh, right, right.

I know exactly what
you're saying, Mom.

Bob, you are wasting
your time on Barbara.

I mean, she may look beautiful

but it's all phony.

(audience laughs)

Should we mention the nose job?

- Nose job?

- Yeah, sometimes
they grow back.

(audience laughs)

Her teeth may look perfect,

without the caps
the girls got a smile

like Leon Spinks.

(audience laughs)

- Now wait a minute.

I know better than that.

Barbara's beautiful and she can,

You're trying to get
rid of me, aren't ya?

- No.

- And you wouldn't
be doing it if Barbara

hadn't put you up to it.

What a dummy I am.

Boy, she must be
having a pretty good laugh

about me now.

- Oh no, Bob.

Barbara wouldn't do that.

She's much too
fond of you for that.

- What a dope to think
she could go for me.

- Bob, you could
have lots of girls.

- Right, you're handsome,
charming, appealing.

- Appealing and charming maybe,

but not handsome.

- (scoffs) Bob.

- My sister says
when I was born,

instead of cigars my
father handed out blindfolds.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, I know she's exaggerating.

- I want you to stand
here and listen to me.

You are just as good
a man as Cliff Randall.

Better.

- You really think so?

- Absolutely.

- Positively.

- You're probably right.

(audience laughs)

You know, I have been told

that if my face is
scrunched up just right,

I have dimples that
can drive girls crazy.

- No kidding, let's see.

(Ann and Julie laugh)

Bob, my goodness,
I am really glad

I'm over the hill.

I would have been a goner.

- Hope I didn't excite
you too much there.

- Be still my heart.

- So, you know, I've
been crazy to be hanging

around here so much.

I ought to be out
there playing the field.

- Now there's a thought.

- Good idea.

- Ms. Romano, on
a scale of one to 10,

how do you rate me as a lover?

(audience laughter)

- As a lover, as a lover.

(stammers) a six.

- A six?

Ma, look at this guy.

He's got to be at least
a seven or an eight.

- You really think so?

- Yeah.

- Then what are you
doing tomorrow night?

- Uhhh.

- Don't panic, Julie, I'm
just trying it on for size.

I bet your heart
took a little thump

there, didn't it?

- Oh, thump.

(audience laughter)

(applause)

- I'll have chili and root beer.

- And I'll have
the super burger.

But hold the relish
and the hold the onion,

and hold the barbecue
sauce and the pickle.

Oh and hold the roll.

And I'll have an iced tea.

- [Both] Hold the ice.

- Yeah.

- Hey, kid, you
seem a little down.

Is something wrong today?

- Yeah, it's Bob.

I'm really beginning
to feel guilty

about the whole thing.

- Why?

You got rid of him
like you wanted,

you ought to be happy.

- Well, I'm not.

I mean, we see
each other in school

everyday and he's
really very polite,

but I know deep down
inside, he's really hurt.

- Speaking of Mr. Terrific.

- Bob, hi, you want to join us?

- Oh, come on, Barbara.

- Uhh, no thanks, I'm okay here.

- See, he's devastated.

I've damaged him,
maybe even for the rest

of his life.

- Bob.

- Hi, Peggy Jo.

(audience cheering)

- I think he's healing fast.

- Is that invitation
to join you still on?

- Well...

- Oh yeah, sure, sure,
move over, move over.

Just make yourselves
comfortable.

- Thanks.

Barbara Cooper, Cliff
Randall, this is Peggy Jo Clark.

- Hi, ya'll.

- Peggy's got a southern accent.

She just moved to Indianapolis,

but she didn't stay
a stranger for long.

- I sure didn't.

- What would you like?

Don't worry about the prices.

- Why don't you order
for the both of us, sugar?

- She calls me sugar.

(audience laughing)

- What'll you have, sugar?

- Uhh, two burgers and
two chocolate shakes.

- Peggy, where are you from?

- Mobile, Alabama.

- Well, we never
would have known.

- It was wonderful
meeting Bobby.

I didn't know a
little ol' Northern boy

could be so nice.

He made me feel right
at home the very first day.

- It's her accent.

When I first heard
her talk, I said,

she could pick
my cotton anytime.

(laughing)

- Isn't...

Isn't he a ride though.

I mean, he's funnier
than Steve Martin.

- I'm one wild and crazy guy.

(laughing)

- You're gonna have
to stop that, Bobby,

or I'm gonna get a
little ol' tummy ache

just for sure.

- Well, excuse me.

(laughing)

- You are cruel,
Bobby, downright cruel.

- Okay, Peggy, I
promise to be good.

- You don't have to
promise, sugar, you are good.

He's just the
sweetest little ol' thing.

So kind and considerate.

I sure am glad my family
decided to move North.

- So am I, sugar.

- Beverly.

- Barbara.

- Barbara, Bobby's
been telling me what

good friends you and he are.

I think that's just
the sweetest thing.

- Yeah, sweet.

- We're gonna
have to get together

one of these days
so you can tell me

everything about
Bobby, you know, girl talk.

- Oh, yeah, I can hardly wait.

- I want to know
everything about this rascal,

right down to when his
little ol' baby teeth fell out.

- I still have all
my baby teeth.

In a jar, in a jar.

- How darling.

Hey, you know, I could
make a charm bracelet

out of them.

- I feel like I'm
watching Donny & Marie.

- Say, you know, maybe we
can go double dating sometime.

- Hey, just a minute, Bobby.

Hey, no offense,
but just for a while,

I'd like to have
Bobby all to myself.

- Cliff, I'm really not
very hungry anymore.

Could we leave, please?

Cliff.
- Huh?

- Could we leave, please?

- Oh, but I just ordered.

- (laughs) We're leaving.

- Look, if there's
anything I can do

to help ya'll.

- Ya'll, well kiss my grits.

(singing)

Hey, Schneider.

- Oh, hi there, Barbara.

Watch the ladder.

- Yes, sir.

- So, all's well that
finally turns out, eh?

- What do you mean?

- Well, you're off the hook.

Bob finally got himself a
little Chattanooga choo choo.

- Uh, how do you know?

- Well, she's in
there with Bob now.

- He brought her here?

- Well, yeah, I guess he
wanted her to meet your mom.

I'd like to meet her mom.

- Schneider, tell me something.

What is so special
about Southern girls?

- It's just that they
have a way with men.

Even in a Garden
of Eden, you know,

what do you think
was the first thing

that Eve said to Adam?

- I don't know.

- Adam, honey, have
you got a spare rib?

(audience applause)

- Well, it's real nice
meeting you, Peggy Jo.

- Thank you.

Oh hi, Betty.

- Barbara.

- Yeah, sorry.

You know, we just
had the loveliest visit

with your family.

- I thought it would
be a good idea

for Peggy Jo to meet
your mom, after all,

since this whole thing
was Ms. Romano's idea.

- Yeah, my mom and her ideas.

Isn't she swell.

- You know, Bobby
said you and he

used to go together.

I think it's so
lovely that you kept

him so nice and pure.

Well, bye.
- Bye.

- [Ann] So long, kids.

Drive carefully, Bob.

- [Bob] Right.

(singing)

- I can't believe
he's falling for that.

Bobby is just the
sweetest little ol' thing,

so kind and considerate.

Ugh, what an act.

- I thought you'd be happy.

- Happy?

She's ruining a
perfectly nice guy.

You should have seen
them down at the Burger Box.

They were actually
rubbing noses.

It was like two Eskimos in heat.

(audience laughs)

It was disgusting.

You know, and
it's all your fault.

- Seems to me it
was all your idea.

- What are you
listening to me for?

- Barbara, this may
be a foolish question,

you know, but Bob's
out of your hair now.

Why are you so upset?

- Upset?

Oh, I'm not upset, I
couldn't be happier.

Bob has a new girl, terrific.

What could be better?

Just not Ms.
Honeysuckle, that's all.

- Well, Barbara
Cooper, I do believe

ya'll are just a
tiny might jealous.

- I am not.

- Mmhmm.

- Well, I'm just
looking our for Bob.

I mean, I've seen
this kind of girl before.

She'll be leading him
around by the nose,

making him sit,
fetch, roll over.

It's disgusting.

- It's also rather
familiar, isn't it?

- What do you mean?

- Well, he got his
obedience training from you.

- Are you saying that I...
- You.

- Me?

- Yeah.

Bob always seemed to
come in handy, you know,

when you didn't have
a date, he was always

there to take you.

That's very convenient.

- I didn't mean
it to be that way.

- Yeah, but it was that way.

- Yeah, but, mom, you're
forgetting the ego trip,

having a nice guy
always hanging around,

flattering you, believing
everything you say,

thinking you're the
greatest when the rest

of us know the truth.

- I didn't ask him
to hang around.

- I don't blame
you for being upset.

I'd miss all that
attention too, especially

when Ms. Magnolia's getting it.

- And when she wants
so much to give that

attention back.

- Well, I didn't
want to give it back,

I just wanted for...

- For him to be
available, I know.

It's funny, isn't it?

Now that he's not, he's suddenly

very appealing.

- Look, it's not that
I want him back,

but we're friends, and
friends should see each other,

and I think he should
come over and...

Oh boy, have I been a nerkie.

- A nerkie?

- Yeah, it's a cross
between a nerd and a turkey.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, well I guess
that about sums it up.

- Yeah.

I really never appreciated him.

I'm gonna miss him.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

- You're nails are wet.

- Yup, my nails.

(Schneider singing)

- Hi, Bob.

- Hi.

Barbara, can I talk
to you for a second?

- Uhh, yeah.

- Julie, let's go
clean the fish tank.

- Okay.

Hey, we don't have a fish tank.

- Oh, well then we
better take those little

fishes off the
floor and put them

into some water.

- Uhh, come on in, Bob.

- Barbara, I just
want you to know

that even though I'm
going with Peggy Jo now,

you and I can still be friends.

- We can?

- Sure.

I'm glad, I really am, Bob.

I mean, I'd miss not
having you as a friend.

- You don't mind
me having a new girl?

- Of course not.

I mean, that gives us
room to be better friends.

- Can I tell you a
secret, friend to friend?

- Sure.

- Peggy Jo and I
are going steady.

You're the first to know,
I haven't told her yet.

- Oh, Bob, Peggy
Jo is a very lucky girl

to have you.

- Oh, Barbara.

- Oh, I'm sorry, you
bring out the animal in me.

Where is she?

- I left her down in the lobby.

- All alone?

- No, with Cliff.

- Cliff?

- Yeah, we bumped
into him on the way up.

They're down there just talking.

- You left them alone,
Cliff and Scarlet O'Hara?

Are you out of your
cotton picking mind?

- Barbara, they're just talking.

(Schneider screaming)

(crash)

(audience laughs)

- okay, okay.

(audience applause)

(upbeat theme music)

- [Ann] One Day at a Time
was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

(Sony Pictures jingle)