One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 26 - Schneider Gets Fired - full transcript
Schneider loses his job over a pay dispute.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead,
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- Here, I install this so as
you can see Mr. Larson,
I'm running your building here
with a lot of savoir
faire, you know?
I mean, your tenants don't
regard me just as a super.
I'm more of a
friend, a confidante.
Kind of the Dear
Abby of maintenance.
I mean, I really
care about them.
I really care about them.
- Knock it off, Schneider.
What you care about
is getting a raise.
- Well, that too, yeah.
- Look Schneider, I bought
this building for one reason.
To make money, lots of it.
Your job is to keep it in shape
at the lowest cost possible.
Now, are we finished
with the grand tour?
- Well, just one more
thing, Mr. Larson.
I wanna show you.
This is the Romano apartment.
I rebuilt their deposal
from the ground up.
I wanna show you that, okay?
- Isn't it normal
procedure to ring the bell
before entering a
tenant's apartment?
- Oh well, like
most of my tenants,
Mrs. Romano and the
girls think of me as family.
Come on in.
Mrs. Romano?
Girls?
I guess there's nobody home.
- I wouldn't be home
either if I lived in this dump.
- Believe me, this
dump is usually spotless.
Come on in to the kitchen.
I'll show you the disposal.
This is really terrific.
I mean, here watch this.
Listen to that, huh?
Isn't that music to your ear?
I mean, I actually made it...
- Schneider.
Schneider!
Schneider!
- Miss Romano, you
shouldn't scream like that.
It's very tough on your phalanx.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I was just
showing your disposal to...
- You know, I have
gotten used to you barging
in here unannounced.
- Well, I did announce it,
you just weren't
around to hear it.
- But, the unmitigated gall
of your bringing in here
a complete stranger.
- Well, he's not a
complete stranger.
- I don't care who he is.
Who the hell are you, anyway?
- I'm Sam Larson, Miss Romano,
I'm the owner of the building.
I'm terribly sorry if
we've disturbed you.
- You bet you've disturbed me.
- Miss Romano, I apologize too.
Mr. Larson and I were
just on a surveillance
of the building,
discussing my raise.
Which I haven't
had in four years.
Which I need very badly.
- Gee, please excuse
me, Mr. Larson.
I like Schneider, we all
like Schneider very much.
- But you just said that...
- (chuckles) Silly me, I
always act so irritated
when this place is a shambles,
and of course that has
nothing to do with Schneider.
- Right, I'm neat as a pin.
- You've made me well aware
of your virtues, Schneider,
and how the tenants love you.
- Well, seeing is believing.
- I know, I saw.
- I can expect my
increase pretty soon, eh?
- Don't give it another thought.
- Like taking candy from a baby.
- If anything, I'm
considering giving you a cut.
- He's gonna give...
A cut?
- You got it.
- Wait a minute,
Mr. Larson, you can't do that.
- I can do anything
I want, I'm rich.
- Mr. Larson, I've worked
in this building for 12 years.
I've poured my guts
into this building.
- Right, cutting this man's
salary after all he's done,
just isn't fair.
- You're right, it isn't fair.
I'm being very ungrateful.
- Right.
- Fortunately being ungrateful
is one of my best things.
- Mr. Larson, you are talking
about a man's livelihood here.
- Just a minute, Miss Romano.
I can take care of this, huh?
- Larson, you're talking
about a man's livelihood here.
Now you listen to
me, I mean this now.
If I don't get my
raise, I'm gonna quit.
- Quit?
- Quit?
- Quit.
- I accept.
- You can't do that.
- I just did and it saves a lot.
Now I don't have to give
him two weeks notice.
(stutters frantically)
- Mr. Larson, if
Schneider goes, I go too.
- Good.
I hate sloppy tenants.
- I'm not sloppy.
- You know, this has really
been one day to remember.
Not only do I get to hire
a new, cheaper super,
but I finally get to jack up
the rent on this apartment.
You know, it really
pays off being a nice guy.
Oh, be sure and notify me
when you're going to leave,
Miss Romano.
And about getting your
cleaning deposit back?
Forget it.
- Schneider.
- Nah, he's bluffing.
He'll be back.
- I don't know.
- He needs me
more than I need him.
- But Schneider...
- He be back, he'll be
back in five seconds.
Watch this, five, four,
three, well, let's be fair.
Let's give him 10 seconds.
All right, we give him 10.
10, nine, eight, seven.
- Schneider, I don't think
he's gonna come back.
- Six. (doorbell rings)
- [Both] Five, four,
three, two, one.
- I'm sorry, we forgot our key.
Oh!
Schneider, you're just
the man we wanna see.
We just got these two
speakers at a garage sale.
We need you to put
'em up in the bedroom.
- Hello?
Earth to Schneider.
Are you there?
- Girls, I'm afraid the days
of personal services are over.
Schneider doesn't
work here anymore.
- What?
- Why?
- Well, he just got fired.
Resigned.
- Well, what happened?
- Well, he was
trying to get a raise
and I kind of messed things up.
- Ah, Miss Romano,
it's not your fault.
12 years, 12 long
years bringing out
the trash day
after day after day.
Working nights,
weekends, Arbor Day.
- Schneider, we are
gonna get your job back.
I'm gonna call Larson,
I'm gonna explain.
- You're gonna explain?
What do you mean
you're gonna explain?
He's just gonna wanna
know when you're moving out.
- Moving out and getting fired?
We can't leave this
place for five minutes.
- What's going on?
- Well, I got sort
of carried away.
I told the owner that if
Schneider goes, we go too.
- You what?
- Yeah, well, I know
that sounds really bad
but we are gonna
work it all out.
- Yeah, yeah, right, right.
We have to look
on the bright side.
- Yeah.
What bright side?
- Well, if we move, we don't
have to clean up this mess.
(laughs)
- You know, Mom, I think
you did the right thing.
I mean, someone's gotta stand up
for the rights of the
exploited proletarian.
- As it happens,
I'm a episcopalian.
But I wanna tell you something.
This whole thing could be a
blessing in sheep's clothing.
'Cause every silver
lining has a hem.
- Well, that's one
way of putting it.
- Sure, you know, I've been
working here for a long time
and what have I got for it?
A kick in the head, that's what.
- You know Schneider,
you are right.
That Mr. Larson
certainly wasn't all aglow
with appreciation.
- Well, I'll show him.
I'll go out and offer
myself in the open market
and I'll get what I deserve.
It's probably a fortune out
there with my name on it.
- I don't know.
Schneider, it's kind of
hard to get a job these days.
- Are you kidding?
A guy like me
with my raw talent.
Why I bet you the minute
that the word hits the streets
that Dwayne
Schneider is available,
the offers will come pouring in.
- You really think so?
- Absolutely.
From here on in, it's
onward and it's upward.
I'm free, the sky's the limit.
I'm free, I'm soaring.
But I don't want another job.
I belong here.
I mean, this is my building.
It's my building, I've loved it.
I've stroked it.
It knows that I care.
And I go crazy when I think
of another man touching it.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider.
- To tell you the truth, if
the best job in the world
came walking up to
me on a silver platter,
I'd turn it down.
I'd turn it right down
because my heart
belongs in this building
with these leaky faucets,
these battered disposals,
these tired pipes.
With you.
- Oh, Schneider,
there's just one problem.
- What?
- We don't live here anymore.
(audience applauds)
(vacuum cleaner hums)
- Ma!
Mom, I've looked everywhere.
It's been a week since
we've seen Schneider.
I'm getting worried.
- Oh, honey, take it easy,
Schneider's a grown man.
- But I've looked at his
camper and he's not there.
- Oh, you're worrying too much.
- No, he's hasn't
been at the lodge.
- You're getting carried away.
- Even Miss LaRue
hasn't seen him.
- Now I'm worried.
Look, we are all very
concerned about Schneider.
He has a lot of pride
and he's been hurt.
It's gonna take him
some time to get over it.
- Now Barbara, Mom's right.
Come on, just cool it, relax.
(doorbell rings)
- (gasps) That's
him, I know it's him.
It's gotta be.
- Oh, no.
- Nice to see you too.
Well, I see you've finally
shoveled this place out.
Good, wonderful,
there's the floor.
- Yes, and how lucky for you.
You can see it from eye level.
(audience applauds)
- You did say you were
moving out, Miss Romano.
- Well. (stutters frantically)
- You know, when my mother
says something, she says it.
Right, Mom?
- Yeah, well, I say.
(stutters frantically)
- Ah-ha, you see
there, Mr. Larson.
You have just lost a tenant.
- That's right.
- Good, I just
wanted to make sure
before I show the apartment.
- What?
- Show the apartment?
- He means it.
- Oh my God.
- Come in, Mr. and Mrs. Platt.
- Oh, I love it.
- Well, thank goodness.
I can't tell you how
long we've been looking.
- Yes, so much warmth.
- Yes.
- It's charming.
- Thank you.
I'm Ann Romano.
- Harvey Platt, my wife, Nadine.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
- I bet you folks just
hate to leave this place.
- Well, as a matter
of fact, I don't...
- Why don't we look
at the bedrooms?
Right through here,
Mr. Platt, Mrs. Platt.
- Yes, just a moment.
- You know, we have a teenager.
Could you tell me
about the schools?
- Yeah sure.
Both my daughters
went to the high school.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, yes.
It's very progressive school.
You see, the boys and
the girls are together
on the basketball team, the
baseball team, the showers.
- The building
seems to be well kept.
- Oh, well, yes of course.
I mean, the exterminator's
here at least twice a week.
- The exterminators?
- Oh, yes, yes.
To get rid of the fleas.
- You know, I still
say that if you get rid
of the rock bed next door,
you get rid of the fleas.
- Wait a minute now.
I see what you
kids are trying to do.
And I don't blame
you for not wanting
to give up this
beautiful apartment
and I'm sorry but this
place is going to do just fine.
- Oh well, guess then it'd
be no sense in warning you
about our friendly
neighborhood peeping Tom.
- No, I'm afraid that
won't be necessary.
(audience laughs)
- Harvey, Harvey!
- What's the matter, Nadine?
- I just remembered, Harvey,
I left your mother in the car.
- Oh wait a minute.
Mr. and Mrs. Platt, I haven't
shown you the closet space.
Nadine, Harvey.
(audience applauds)
- Oh, that poor woman.
I should ground you
both for a week but...
- But what?
- But it worked.
- Can you believe that?
Her believing in a peeping Tom?
Mom, mom!
- What?
- Look.
- Schneider!
- Schneider!
Oh, wait a minute,
I got the window.
All right.
- Get in here, Schneider.
- Be very careful.
We're four stories up.
Hey, be careful.
- Should've worn
some surgical hose.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I got Beer Belly on
the roof as a counter balance.
- Tell me, is there something
wrong with the elevator?
- Oh, no, there's nothing wrong.
I just figured that if
Spider-Man could climb walls
so could Schneider man.
I didn't wanna meet
any of the tenants.
- Aww, Schneider, come on.
What are you so uptight about?
These people are your friends.
- Well, I just thought
maybe somebody might ask
an embarrassing question.
- What have you been
doing with yourself?
- That's the
embarrassing question.
- Schneider, do you know
that it is silly to be embarrassed
about being out of work.
It could happen to anybody.
It has.
- I'm not embarrassed,
Miss Romano.
My job is here and I'm
gonna get that job back.
Those two people I saw,
that's not a husband and
wife maintenance team?
- No, they're
perspective tenants.
- Oh, you mean to
tell me that Larson
has already opened up your
apartment to the lookie-loos?
(audience laughs)
- Well, they were the first.
- It's all my fault.
Is there anything
I can do to help?
- Just keep dangling
outside the window.
- What kind of a meatball
did he get to replace me?
- Hasn't found anybody yet.
- Hasn't found anybody?
This place is going
to go to the dogs.
I mean, everything's
gonna start going haywire.
Okay, Miss Romano,
light bulb just went off.
- Gee, I hesitate to
ask this next question
but what did the light bulb say?
- That I was in the Navy.
That I served 14 months
with the demolition squad.
Capiche?
- No.
- All right, do the
following two words
mean anything to you?
Booby trap.
- Booby trap?
(audience laughs)
- No!
(screams)
The coach is booby trapped.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No, it isn't.
But everything else is.
Can't remember
what Schneider did
and what he didn't do.
- Well then, just
don't go in the kitchen,
use the phone, or breathe.
- What in the world made me
let Schneider talk me into this?
- You said you'd do anything
to help him get his job back.
- Yeah honey but
when I said anything,
I didn't mean anything.
(doorbell rings)
- It's gonna be them now.
- Okay, okay, all right.
We have to do.
Now remember this,
exactly what Schneider said.
Okay?
- This is it, girls.
- Hi Miss Romano, I
wanna show the apartment.
I hope I'm not intruding.
- Come in, Mr. Dawson.
- Why don't you just
call me big Ed Dawson.
(audience applauds)
Hello there, little darling.
Are these two
little fillies your'n?
(audience laughs)
- Big Ed is from Texas.
- Oh really?
Gee, I would've guessed Boston.
- (laughs) There's a
sense of humor for ya.
That's the way we like
our girls down in Wacko.
- That's Waco.
- Well, not if you hang
out with the crowd I do.
- Mr. Larson, I
just think it's terrible
your barging in here
whenever you please.
- I'm afraid that's my
fault little persimmon.
You see, there's a couple
shopping centers up here
that I have to buy and
I'm gonna need a place
to hang my stetson for a
few weekends during the year.
- I really think you're
gonna like it here Big Ed.
It's not as big
as you're used to
but has a lot of charm,
some nice features.
- Well, I'm sure I'm gonna
like the entire apartment
if it's anything like
the entry hall here.
- Well, there's a nice
feature right there, termites.
- I don't understand.
- Well, I guess that
could happen anywhere.
You should see our Texas
termites, they're a lot of fun.
- Fun?
- Yeah, once you get
'em roped and saddled.
(audience laughs)
- Look, Mr. Ed.
Big Ed.
(audience laughs)
We can have this
fixed, no problem.
- Well, I guess every corral
probably needs a little
fixin' now and again.
Provided that the basic
substructure is solid and sound.
It is solid and sound, isn't it?
- Oh sure, certainly, yes.
- I'm sure it is.
(audience laughs)
- Hey boy, are you trying
to put one over on Big Ed?
- No Big Ed, look, this
can be easily repaired.
- I tell ya, I think I
smell a frog in a bar.
What do we got here?
An ammo case?
- Ah, how about that, Big Ed?
Disposable doors.
- Look, Big Ed, I haven't
shown the chuck wagon.
- You mean the kitchen?
- Yeah, the kitchen.
Boy, it's got a lot of
wonderful features, Big Ed.
Look, the stove and a
sink and new linoleum
with no wax buildup.
And look the refrigerator.
It's nice, it's only
two years old.
(clanking)
- Well, I guess this
place isn't perfect
but I tell you what,
if you could get turkey
straightened out in a week,
I'll give you $1,500
a month rent.
- $1,500?
- All right, 18.
- $1,800 for this place?
- $2,000 and that's it.
Take it or leave it.
- I'll take it.
- Okay, okay.
All right, all right, but nu-uh.
There is just one
man in this entire world
that can get this place
fixed up in only one week.
- Schneider?
- Greatest maintenance
man in the business.
- Legend in his own time.
- Are you talking about
Dwayne Schneider?
(audience laughs)
- You've heard of him?
- Jumping jehoshaphat, Larson.
Of course, I've heard of him.
Why, I'd trade two
heifers and a Pinto
if I could get Dwayne
Schneider round to Texas.
Everybody's heard of Dwayne
Schneider down in Wacko.
- Waco.
- Waco.
I'll you what if you can
get Dwayne Schneider,
you got yourself a deal.
- Well, then I've
got myself a deal
because I can get
Dwayne Schneider.
- Are you sure?
- Hey, come on, you
should know Big Ed.
Every man has his price.
- Not Dwayne Schneider.
- Ha.
- Ha, yourself.
You're not gonna get
Schneider 'cause he ain't for sale
because I changed my mind.
- Schneider.
I betcha thought you
had me fooled, huh?
Come on, you kidding?
- [Ann] Schneider.
- Thanks a lot Miss Romano
but I just can't go
through with it, you know.
I mean, I love this building
and I love all the people in it
but I gotta get up and look
at myself every morning
and so far, it's always
been a pleasure.
- What are you gonna do now?
- Well, I think I'm
just gonna sit back
and watch this guy go broke.
- That's a laugh.
- No, no.
The laugh starts when they
put in that new $32,000 furnace.
- So I'll put...
How did you know the price?
- 'Cause that's my business
and because I'm the only one
that kept the old
furnace going for 10 years
and I could probably keep
it going for another 10 years.
- Look.
Schneider.
Dwayne?
Why don't we talk?
- Yo no not intrestado.
- No, no, not a pay cut.
A pay raise, I'll give
you a bigger apartment.
How about this one?
- Hey, hey.
- It's all right, Miss Romano.
I am not gonna go
to work for nobody
if I have to get that
job through blackmail.
- Hey look, Schneider.
I'm not gonna give you the
job because you blackmail me.
I'm gonna give you the
job because I like you.
I like the way you think.
You've got a good devious mind.
(audience laughs)
- Flattery will get you nowhere.
- Come on, I'll see you
down at the boiler room, huh?
Good to have you
back, Schneider.
Let's get to work
on that furnace, huh?
Big Ed. (laughs)
(cheers)
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] One Day
at a Time was recorded live
on tape before a
studio audience.
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead,
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
- Here, I install this so as
you can see Mr. Larson,
I'm running your building here
with a lot of savoir
faire, you know?
I mean, your tenants don't
regard me just as a super.
I'm more of a
friend, a confidante.
Kind of the Dear
Abby of maintenance.
I mean, I really
care about them.
I really care about them.
- Knock it off, Schneider.
What you care about
is getting a raise.
- Well, that too, yeah.
- Look Schneider, I bought
this building for one reason.
To make money, lots of it.
Your job is to keep it in shape
at the lowest cost possible.
Now, are we finished
with the grand tour?
- Well, just one more
thing, Mr. Larson.
I wanna show you.
This is the Romano apartment.
I rebuilt their deposal
from the ground up.
I wanna show you that, okay?
- Isn't it normal
procedure to ring the bell
before entering a
tenant's apartment?
- Oh well, like
most of my tenants,
Mrs. Romano and the
girls think of me as family.
Come on in.
Mrs. Romano?
Girls?
I guess there's nobody home.
- I wouldn't be home
either if I lived in this dump.
- Believe me, this
dump is usually spotless.
Come on in to the kitchen.
I'll show you the disposal.
This is really terrific.
I mean, here watch this.
Listen to that, huh?
Isn't that music to your ear?
I mean, I actually made it...
- Schneider.
Schneider!
Schneider!
- Miss Romano, you
shouldn't scream like that.
It's very tough on your phalanx.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I was just
showing your disposal to...
- You know, I have
gotten used to you barging
in here unannounced.
- Well, I did announce it,
you just weren't
around to hear it.
- But, the unmitigated gall
of your bringing in here
a complete stranger.
- Well, he's not a
complete stranger.
- I don't care who he is.
Who the hell are you, anyway?
- I'm Sam Larson, Miss Romano,
I'm the owner of the building.
I'm terribly sorry if
we've disturbed you.
- You bet you've disturbed me.
- Miss Romano, I apologize too.
Mr. Larson and I were
just on a surveillance
of the building,
discussing my raise.
Which I haven't
had in four years.
Which I need very badly.
- Gee, please excuse
me, Mr. Larson.
I like Schneider, we all
like Schneider very much.
- But you just said that...
- (chuckles) Silly me, I
always act so irritated
when this place is a shambles,
and of course that has
nothing to do with Schneider.
- Right, I'm neat as a pin.
- You've made me well aware
of your virtues, Schneider,
and how the tenants love you.
- Well, seeing is believing.
- I know, I saw.
- I can expect my
increase pretty soon, eh?
- Don't give it another thought.
- Like taking candy from a baby.
- If anything, I'm
considering giving you a cut.
- He's gonna give...
A cut?
- You got it.
- Wait a minute,
Mr. Larson, you can't do that.
- I can do anything
I want, I'm rich.
- Mr. Larson, I've worked
in this building for 12 years.
I've poured my guts
into this building.
- Right, cutting this man's
salary after all he's done,
just isn't fair.
- You're right, it isn't fair.
I'm being very ungrateful.
- Right.
- Fortunately being ungrateful
is one of my best things.
- Mr. Larson, you are talking
about a man's livelihood here.
- Just a minute, Miss Romano.
I can take care of this, huh?
- Larson, you're talking
about a man's livelihood here.
Now you listen to
me, I mean this now.
If I don't get my
raise, I'm gonna quit.
- Quit?
- Quit?
- Quit.
- I accept.
- You can't do that.
- I just did and it saves a lot.
Now I don't have to give
him two weeks notice.
(stutters frantically)
- Mr. Larson, if
Schneider goes, I go too.
- Good.
I hate sloppy tenants.
- I'm not sloppy.
- You know, this has really
been one day to remember.
Not only do I get to hire
a new, cheaper super,
but I finally get to jack up
the rent on this apartment.
You know, it really
pays off being a nice guy.
Oh, be sure and notify me
when you're going to leave,
Miss Romano.
And about getting your
cleaning deposit back?
Forget it.
- Schneider.
- Nah, he's bluffing.
He'll be back.
- I don't know.
- He needs me
more than I need him.
- But Schneider...
- He be back, he'll be
back in five seconds.
Watch this, five, four,
three, well, let's be fair.
Let's give him 10 seconds.
All right, we give him 10.
10, nine, eight, seven.
- Schneider, I don't think
he's gonna come back.
- Six. (doorbell rings)
- [Both] Five, four,
three, two, one.
- I'm sorry, we forgot our key.
Oh!
Schneider, you're just
the man we wanna see.
We just got these two
speakers at a garage sale.
We need you to put
'em up in the bedroom.
- Hello?
Earth to Schneider.
Are you there?
- Girls, I'm afraid the days
of personal services are over.
Schneider doesn't
work here anymore.
- What?
- Why?
- Well, he just got fired.
Resigned.
- Well, what happened?
- Well, he was
trying to get a raise
and I kind of messed things up.
- Ah, Miss Romano,
it's not your fault.
12 years, 12 long
years bringing out
the trash day
after day after day.
Working nights,
weekends, Arbor Day.
- Schneider, we are
gonna get your job back.
I'm gonna call Larson,
I'm gonna explain.
- You're gonna explain?
What do you mean
you're gonna explain?
He's just gonna wanna
know when you're moving out.
- Moving out and getting fired?
We can't leave this
place for five minutes.
- What's going on?
- Well, I got sort
of carried away.
I told the owner that if
Schneider goes, we go too.
- You what?
- Yeah, well, I know
that sounds really bad
but we are gonna
work it all out.
- Yeah, yeah, right, right.
We have to look
on the bright side.
- Yeah.
What bright side?
- Well, if we move, we don't
have to clean up this mess.
(laughs)
- You know, Mom, I think
you did the right thing.
I mean, someone's gotta stand up
for the rights of the
exploited proletarian.
- As it happens,
I'm a episcopalian.
But I wanna tell you something.
This whole thing could be a
blessing in sheep's clothing.
'Cause every silver
lining has a hem.
- Well, that's one
way of putting it.
- Sure, you know, I've been
working here for a long time
and what have I got for it?
A kick in the head, that's what.
- You know Schneider,
you are right.
That Mr. Larson
certainly wasn't all aglow
with appreciation.
- Well, I'll show him.
I'll go out and offer
myself in the open market
and I'll get what I deserve.
It's probably a fortune out
there with my name on it.
- I don't know.
Schneider, it's kind of
hard to get a job these days.
- Are you kidding?
A guy like me
with my raw talent.
Why I bet you the minute
that the word hits the streets
that Dwayne
Schneider is available,
the offers will come pouring in.
- You really think so?
- Absolutely.
From here on in, it's
onward and it's upward.
I'm free, the sky's the limit.
I'm free, I'm soaring.
But I don't want another job.
I belong here.
I mean, this is my building.
It's my building, I've loved it.
I've stroked it.
It knows that I care.
And I go crazy when I think
of another man touching it.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider.
- To tell you the truth, if
the best job in the world
came walking up to
me on a silver platter,
I'd turn it down.
I'd turn it right down
because my heart
belongs in this building
with these leaky faucets,
these battered disposals,
these tired pipes.
With you.
- Oh, Schneider,
there's just one problem.
- What?
- We don't live here anymore.
(audience applauds)
(vacuum cleaner hums)
- Ma!
Mom, I've looked everywhere.
It's been a week since
we've seen Schneider.
I'm getting worried.
- Oh, honey, take it easy,
Schneider's a grown man.
- But I've looked at his
camper and he's not there.
- Oh, you're worrying too much.
- No, he's hasn't
been at the lodge.
- You're getting carried away.
- Even Miss LaRue
hasn't seen him.
- Now I'm worried.
Look, we are all very
concerned about Schneider.
He has a lot of pride
and he's been hurt.
It's gonna take him
some time to get over it.
- Now Barbara, Mom's right.
Come on, just cool it, relax.
(doorbell rings)
- (gasps) That's
him, I know it's him.
It's gotta be.
- Oh, no.
- Nice to see you too.
Well, I see you've finally
shoveled this place out.
Good, wonderful,
there's the floor.
- Yes, and how lucky for you.
You can see it from eye level.
(audience applauds)
- You did say you were
moving out, Miss Romano.
- Well. (stutters frantically)
- You know, when my mother
says something, she says it.
Right, Mom?
- Yeah, well, I say.
(stutters frantically)
- Ah-ha, you see
there, Mr. Larson.
You have just lost a tenant.
- That's right.
- Good, I just
wanted to make sure
before I show the apartment.
- What?
- Show the apartment?
- He means it.
- Oh my God.
- Come in, Mr. and Mrs. Platt.
- Oh, I love it.
- Well, thank goodness.
I can't tell you how
long we've been looking.
- Yes, so much warmth.
- Yes.
- It's charming.
- Thank you.
I'm Ann Romano.
- Harvey Platt, my wife, Nadine.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
- I bet you folks just
hate to leave this place.
- Well, as a matter
of fact, I don't...
- Why don't we look
at the bedrooms?
Right through here,
Mr. Platt, Mrs. Platt.
- Yes, just a moment.
- You know, we have a teenager.
Could you tell me
about the schools?
- Yeah sure.
Both my daughters
went to the high school.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, yes.
It's very progressive school.
You see, the boys and
the girls are together
on the basketball team, the
baseball team, the showers.
- The building
seems to be well kept.
- Oh, well, yes of course.
I mean, the exterminator's
here at least twice a week.
- The exterminators?
- Oh, yes, yes.
To get rid of the fleas.
- You know, I still
say that if you get rid
of the rock bed next door,
you get rid of the fleas.
- Wait a minute now.
I see what you
kids are trying to do.
And I don't blame
you for not wanting
to give up this
beautiful apartment
and I'm sorry but this
place is going to do just fine.
- Oh well, guess then it'd
be no sense in warning you
about our friendly
neighborhood peeping Tom.
- No, I'm afraid that
won't be necessary.
(audience laughs)
- Harvey, Harvey!
- What's the matter, Nadine?
- I just remembered, Harvey,
I left your mother in the car.
- Oh wait a minute.
Mr. and Mrs. Platt, I haven't
shown you the closet space.
Nadine, Harvey.
(audience applauds)
- Oh, that poor woman.
I should ground you
both for a week but...
- But what?
- But it worked.
- Can you believe that?
Her believing in a peeping Tom?
Mom, mom!
- What?
- Look.
- Schneider!
- Schneider!
Oh, wait a minute,
I got the window.
All right.
- Get in here, Schneider.
- Be very careful.
We're four stories up.
Hey, be careful.
- Should've worn
some surgical hose.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I got Beer Belly on
the roof as a counter balance.
- Tell me, is there something
wrong with the elevator?
- Oh, no, there's nothing wrong.
I just figured that if
Spider-Man could climb walls
so could Schneider man.
I didn't wanna meet
any of the tenants.
- Aww, Schneider, come on.
What are you so uptight about?
These people are your friends.
- Well, I just thought
maybe somebody might ask
an embarrassing question.
- What have you been
doing with yourself?
- That's the
embarrassing question.
- Schneider, do you know
that it is silly to be embarrassed
about being out of work.
It could happen to anybody.
It has.
- I'm not embarrassed,
Miss Romano.
My job is here and I'm
gonna get that job back.
Those two people I saw,
that's not a husband and
wife maintenance team?
- No, they're
perspective tenants.
- Oh, you mean to
tell me that Larson
has already opened up your
apartment to the lookie-loos?
(audience laughs)
- Well, they were the first.
- It's all my fault.
Is there anything
I can do to help?
- Just keep dangling
outside the window.
- What kind of a meatball
did he get to replace me?
- Hasn't found anybody yet.
- Hasn't found anybody?
This place is going
to go to the dogs.
I mean, everything's
gonna start going haywire.
Okay, Miss Romano,
light bulb just went off.
- Gee, I hesitate to
ask this next question
but what did the light bulb say?
- That I was in the Navy.
That I served 14 months
with the demolition squad.
Capiche?
- No.
- All right, do the
following two words
mean anything to you?
Booby trap.
- Booby trap?
(audience laughs)
- No!
(screams)
The coach is booby trapped.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No, it isn't.
But everything else is.
Can't remember
what Schneider did
and what he didn't do.
- Well then, just
don't go in the kitchen,
use the phone, or breathe.
- What in the world made me
let Schneider talk me into this?
- You said you'd do anything
to help him get his job back.
- Yeah honey but
when I said anything,
I didn't mean anything.
(doorbell rings)
- It's gonna be them now.
- Okay, okay, all right.
We have to do.
Now remember this,
exactly what Schneider said.
Okay?
- This is it, girls.
- Hi Miss Romano, I
wanna show the apartment.
I hope I'm not intruding.
- Come in, Mr. Dawson.
- Why don't you just
call me big Ed Dawson.
(audience applauds)
Hello there, little darling.
Are these two
little fillies your'n?
(audience laughs)
- Big Ed is from Texas.
- Oh really?
Gee, I would've guessed Boston.
- (laughs) There's a
sense of humor for ya.
That's the way we like
our girls down in Wacko.
- That's Waco.
- Well, not if you hang
out with the crowd I do.
- Mr. Larson, I
just think it's terrible
your barging in here
whenever you please.
- I'm afraid that's my
fault little persimmon.
You see, there's a couple
shopping centers up here
that I have to buy and
I'm gonna need a place
to hang my stetson for a
few weekends during the year.
- I really think you're
gonna like it here Big Ed.
It's not as big
as you're used to
but has a lot of charm,
some nice features.
- Well, I'm sure I'm gonna
like the entire apartment
if it's anything like
the entry hall here.
- Well, there's a nice
feature right there, termites.
- I don't understand.
- Well, I guess that
could happen anywhere.
You should see our Texas
termites, they're a lot of fun.
- Fun?
- Yeah, once you get
'em roped and saddled.
(audience laughs)
- Look, Mr. Ed.
Big Ed.
(audience laughs)
We can have this
fixed, no problem.
- Well, I guess every corral
probably needs a little
fixin' now and again.
Provided that the basic
substructure is solid and sound.
It is solid and sound, isn't it?
- Oh sure, certainly, yes.
- I'm sure it is.
(audience laughs)
- Hey boy, are you trying
to put one over on Big Ed?
- No Big Ed, look, this
can be easily repaired.
- I tell ya, I think I
smell a frog in a bar.
What do we got here?
An ammo case?
- Ah, how about that, Big Ed?
Disposable doors.
- Look, Big Ed, I haven't
shown the chuck wagon.
- You mean the kitchen?
- Yeah, the kitchen.
Boy, it's got a lot of
wonderful features, Big Ed.
Look, the stove and a
sink and new linoleum
with no wax buildup.
And look the refrigerator.
It's nice, it's only
two years old.
(clanking)
- Well, I guess this
place isn't perfect
but I tell you what,
if you could get turkey
straightened out in a week,
I'll give you $1,500
a month rent.
- $1,500?
- All right, 18.
- $1,800 for this place?
- $2,000 and that's it.
Take it or leave it.
- I'll take it.
- Okay, okay.
All right, all right, but nu-uh.
There is just one
man in this entire world
that can get this place
fixed up in only one week.
- Schneider?
- Greatest maintenance
man in the business.
- Legend in his own time.
- Are you talking about
Dwayne Schneider?
(audience laughs)
- You've heard of him?
- Jumping jehoshaphat, Larson.
Of course, I've heard of him.
Why, I'd trade two
heifers and a Pinto
if I could get Dwayne
Schneider round to Texas.
Everybody's heard of Dwayne
Schneider down in Wacko.
- Waco.
- Waco.
I'll you what if you can
get Dwayne Schneider,
you got yourself a deal.
- Well, then I've
got myself a deal
because I can get
Dwayne Schneider.
- Are you sure?
- Hey, come on, you
should know Big Ed.
Every man has his price.
- Not Dwayne Schneider.
- Ha.
- Ha, yourself.
You're not gonna get
Schneider 'cause he ain't for sale
because I changed my mind.
- Schneider.
I betcha thought you
had me fooled, huh?
Come on, you kidding?
- [Ann] Schneider.
- Thanks a lot Miss Romano
but I just can't go
through with it, you know.
I mean, I love this building
and I love all the people in it
but I gotta get up and look
at myself every morning
and so far, it's always
been a pleasure.
- What are you gonna do now?
- Well, I think I'm
just gonna sit back
and watch this guy go broke.
- That's a laugh.
- No, no.
The laugh starts when they
put in that new $32,000 furnace.
- So I'll put...
How did you know the price?
- 'Cause that's my business
and because I'm the only one
that kept the old
furnace going for 10 years
and I could probably keep
it going for another 10 years.
- Look.
Schneider.
Dwayne?
Why don't we talk?
- Yo no not intrestado.
- No, no, not a pay cut.
A pay raise, I'll give
you a bigger apartment.
How about this one?
- Hey, hey.
- It's all right, Miss Romano.
I am not gonna go
to work for nobody
if I have to get that
job through blackmail.
- Hey look, Schneider.
I'm not gonna give you the
job because you blackmail me.
I'm gonna give you the
job because I like you.
I like the way you think.
You've got a good devious mind.
(audience laughs)
- Flattery will get you nowhere.
- Come on, I'll see you
down at the boiler room, huh?
Good to have you
back, Schneider.
Let's get to work
on that furnace, huh?
Big Ed. (laughs)
(cheers)
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] One Day
at a Time was recorded live
on tape before a
studio audience.