One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 5, Episode 1 - Back to School - full transcript
As Barbara starts college and enjoys her independence, Ann feels her education is lacking and takes a college class that Barbara is also taking.
♪ This is it, This is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead, rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ You keep doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Hi ma, how was your day?
That good, huh?
- I do not wanna talk about it.
- Come on, mother,
how was your day?
- Humiliating.
Mr. Davenport and I were
working on a campaign
for Tiger Night Lights,
you know, those little lights
that go on in the bathroom?
- Tigers need lights
to go to the bathroom?
- Tiger is the name
of the company.
At any rate, Davenport
came up with the slogan,
"Tiger, Tiger, burning
bright in your bathroom,
"late at night."
(audience laughter)
- That, mother
dear, is very catchy.
- That, daughter
dear, is not the point.
The point is, I didn't
know the quote,
"Tiger, Tiger, burning bright."
- Oh mom, you didn't?
- You do?
- Never heard of it.
- Alright, but I am supposed
to know these things.
I make my living using
the English language.
I feel so dumb.
I didn't know, Tiger,
Tiger burning bright.
- William Blake, The
Tiger, great poem.
- I don't feel good.
- How did you know
it was William Blake?
- Are you kidding,
everyone knows that.
- I didn't.
I am totally ignorant,
a moron in the world
of the enlightened.
Of course, I didn't
have the advantage
of a college
education, like you.
- Mom, she's only been
in college three days.
- I wouldn't have
even known that quote
if The Tiger weren't my first
assignment in English Lit.
No, college is so exciting.
I joined the drama club, I
tried out for the freshman chorus
and got invited to a boozerama.
(audience laughter)
It's a sorority rush party.
- Lovely.
- How about your classes?
- Classes, I have
to take classes?
- Cute.
Barbara, college is
not all fun and games.
- Oh, it sure beats high school.
For the first time, I feel
like I am really on my own.
- Honey, tell me about
your English class,
what are you studying?
- Let's see, Blake,
Keats, Dickens, Joyce.
- Oh, that sounds wonderful.
- It really is.
But you should
meet this instructor,
he is so incredibly brilliant.
- Brilliant is hardly the word.
I got an IQ in double figures.
(audience laughter)
- Hello Schneider.
- How are you there, Ms. Romano?
Look Barbara, I made
something for you to go to college.
- Oh, Schneider,
ah it's a pencil box.
- I made it myself.
- Well thank you.
- See, it's got your
pens, your pencils,
it's got a protractor in there.
Ooh, and it's got
a magnifying glass
for reading your
notes on your wrist.
(audience laughter)
- Schneider, you don't
happen to know who said,
"Tiger, Tiger, burning bright."
- Just about every
woman I ever dated.
(audience laughter)
- Well, at least you
have an answer.
That's more than I usually do.
- Mother, come on, why the
sudden inferiority complex?
- Look at me, I am woman
who got married at the age of 17.
My education was
limited to changing diapers
and cooking lasagna.
- Mom, what are
you talking about?
You're a success,
you got a great job.
You're the mother
of two brilliant, witty,
charming children.
- Face the facts, mother,
you got everything.
- Oh boy, I've got
you guys fooled too.
You know what it's
like working in an office
surrounded by college graduates?
Everyone else has
a diploma on the wall.
I've got a certificate from
Evelyn Woods' Speed Reading.
(audience laughter)
- You got a certificate
from Evelyn Woods?
I took that course
for six weeks.
I mean, all I ever
got was a migraine.
You really are
smart, Ms. Romano.
- But I feel so
damned inadequate.
I'm scared to death that
somebody's gonna say something,
and I wonder what
they're talking about.
That they'll bring up a subject,
and I won't know how to answer.
That I won't know
the right words, hot.
- Mom, I never seen
you at a loss for words.
- Or unable to talk
for that manner.
- Yeah well, "I'm terrific,"
and "Hi, I'm home,"
and, "Girls, go to your room."
Tiger, Tiger was really
the straw that broke
the camel's back.
I have got an 18 year old
daughter that knows more
than I do.
I feel so incredibly...
- Stupid.
Listen, it's alright
to feel stupid.
I mean, when I got out of
the Navy, I felt kinda stupid.
There wasn't a great deal
of work for me, you know.
I was a torpedo repairman.
Unlike the rest of the
guys, I didn't sit around.
I went back to school,
I took plumbing.
Basic and remedial.
- Mom, if you really
feel that strongly about it,
why don't you go back to school?
Take a couple of classes.
- Yeah, you don't
have to go for a degree.
Just go for yourself.
- At my age?
Oh, I feel so
silly, it's so late.
Barbara, how
would I go about it?
- Red light, red
light, la luz de roja.
- What does that mean?
- The light of red.
It means stop.
Ms. Romano, you've got
to think about the future.
No man wants a woman who
reeks of the smell of success.
- Oh really?
- Yes, really.
You got a beautiful
family, you got a great job.
That's two reeks against you.
- Gee, I never quite
looked at it that way.
- Yeah well, just remember
that famous quote,
"She who nurtures her
mind, gets left behind."
- Who said that?
- I don't know, I saw it in
the men's room at O'Hare.
(applause)
- Mom, why don't
you go back to school,
take a couple of classes,
I think it's a great idea.
- Yeah, me too.
- I don't know, it
seems kind of scary.
I haven't opened a
textbook in 20 years.
Do they have night
classes at City College?
- Yeah my psychology and my
English class are held at night.
- Ma, you really think
you're gonna do this?
- Well, the older I
get the more I feel
I'm missing out on something.
- Look, you don't even
have to worry about studying,
because I can help you
with that, it could be fun.
- What do you say?
- I'm gonna do it.
- Great.
Great, I'll help you
go over the catalog.
Show you where you can register.
- What classes are
you gonna take?
- Well, first on my list is
Barbara's English class.
- My class?
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
- My pleasure, doll.
- Is someone sitting here?
- Just you, babe.
(audience laughter)
Are you new?
- Not very.
- You're sure a new change
from most of the chicks
around here.
- Because I'm older.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm
really into maturity.
- Really?
- Oh yeah, I'm Elliot,
Elliot Newcombe.
- Ann Romano.
- Well say, Annie.
Looks like this class won't
be as bad as I thought.
- Don't bet on it.
Barbara, hi.
- Hi, Ann.
(audience laughter)
So, Ann, Lynn I'd like you
to meet a friend of mine,
an old friend, Ann Romano.
- Ann.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Yes.
(clearing throat)
Girls, I'd like you to meet.
- Elliot, Elliot Newcombe.
Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello, hello, goodbye.
So, Ann, how you doing?
- Oh, about the same
as I was this morning.
- Oh good, good.
Well, I'll talk to you later.
- Barbara, can I talk
to you for just a minute?
- Sure, Lynn, could you
find us a couple of seats,
I'll be there in a minute.
- Sure, I'll see you Ann.
She's old enough
to be my mother.
- Mom?
- I thought it was Ann.
- I'm sorry, I just
thought it might be better
if I called you Ann in class.
- You're disowning me.
- No, it's not that.
It's just that when I
walked in here and saw you,
and it felt funny being
in class with my mother.
- Since when is
mother a dirty word?
Hey look, would you like it
better if I took another class?
- No, no, no it's fine.
I just want us to have our
separate identities, that's all.
Please?
- What did you say
your name was again?
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Mom.
- Ann.
- Right.
- Say Ann?
Ann?
How do you know that dish?
(audience laughter)
- We met in the hospital.
(audience laughter)
- Maybe you could set us up.
- I thought you
were into maturity?
- Hey, I'm flexible.
- Alright, ladies and gentlemen.
If I may be allowed to
exaggerate, let's settle down.
Good evening.
For those who are new to this
class, I am Professor Bradley.
I am here to lecture, to
answer your questions,
if they're worthy of an answer.
And to grade your
tests and papers.
You are here to work.
- He's a barrel of laughs.
- Kindly do not speak
when I am speaking.
I could be quite
brilliant at times.
I don't want you to miss my
unique perceptive point of view.
Would you please read that note?
- "Barbara, I have to stop
by the office after school,
"could you please pick up
some toothpaste and soap?"
- "Thanks, love, mom."
It's from your mother.
- You're a mother, too?
Oh wow, you are
driving me crazy.
(audience laughter)
- Settle down, young man.
I asked you to read three
poems, The Tiger, The Skylark,
and Ode To a Nightingale.
Could anyone here tell
me what these three poems
have in common?
You.
You.
- They're all about animals.
- Your insight is
overwhelming, Mister?
- Newcombe.
- Mr. Newcombe.
What I'm getting at
is this, all three poems
belong to a specific
movement in literature.
I know I'm reaching for the
moon, but is there anyone here
who could tell me what
that movement is called?
Yes, Miss?
- Cooper.
The Romantic movement.
- Thank you, Ms. Cooper.
Dare I ask you to add
to your performance
by telling me what Romantic
signifies in literature?
I shouldn't have dared.
- How about you, Mrs. Cooper?
- Ms. Romano.
- I thought you were
Ms. Cooper's mother?
- Yes, I am, but I'm divorced
and I resumed my maiden name.
- Divorced?
(audience laughter)
- Now then, Ms. Romano,
did you read the assignment?
- Yes, I did, I got the
assignment from your notebook.
What, if anything,
can you tell me about
the Romantic movement?
- Well, it seems to
me that in literature,
the word Romantic refers
to the broadest possible
expression of emotions.
- Go on.
- It deals with exaltation
and glorification and passion.
- God, that's beautiful.
- Get a good hold of
yourself, young man.
Excellent, Ms. Romano.
Looks like this class won't
be as bad as I thought.
- That's what I said.
- For once, Mr. Newcombe,
you are right.
(audience applause)
- Look at that,
what a study lamp.
You can move it
in any direction.
- Mom is gonna love
it, it's gonna be perfect
for finding the raisins
in our breakfast cereal.
Hi, how was class?
- Fine, everything was fine,
everything was just peachy.
- Well, where's mom?
- I wouldn't know I had
some dumb errands to run.
- Something wrong?
- Nothing is wrong.
- That's a relief.
- Hi.
- Mom, hi, how was class?
- Fantastic, it was
exciting, and interesting,
and I loved every minute of it.
- Wait a second, I thought
you two were in the same class.
- Yeah, where were
you, I looked all over
for you after class.
- You sent me
shopping, remember?
- Yeah.
- Mom look, look, Schneider
brought you a study lamp.
- Aww Schneider,
that's very nice.
- Yeah look, it's got
a two-way switch.
See, bright, that's for
intensive studying for cramming,
and there's low,
there's for studying
with prospective husbands.
See, it's dim, it's romantic,
it hides facial flaws.
- You do think of
everything, Schneider.
- I know.
- I just wanted you to know
that despite everything I said
the other day, I
really think it's great
you're going back to school.
- Thank you, Schneider.
And thank you for the lamp.
- De nada.
- Oh, I just hope I that I can
pass that test next Thursday.
- Mom, it's only a quiz.
- Yeah whatever, all I'm
afraid of is I'm gonna walk in,
sit down and forget
everything I learned.
- Oh, boy I know what you mean.
That's exactly how I
felt on my wedding night.
Thank god my mind went
blank and instinct took over.
(audience laughter)
- Mom, come on, I want
you to tell me about this class.
Tell me about the
instructor, how was he?
- Intimidating but fascinating.
- Yes, yes, mom was fascinated
by all the men in the class.
- Are you, by any
chance, referring to Elliot?
- Who is Elliot?
- Elliot is a young man in
class who was hitting on me.
- 17 going on 16.
- 19 going on 18.
SaW a smile.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- Did not.
- Alright, tell you what,
next class you get to sit
next to Elliot.
- No thank you.
- Julie, I was really excited
about that class tonight.
The professor
asked me a question,
and I got it right.
- Yes Julie, you should've
seen your mother.
One night, and she's
the star of the class.
Next thing you know, she'll
be trying out for cheerleader.
- I was thinking more along
the lines of varsity basketball.
- Oh, they got a pee-wee league?
- Right now, I
gotta hit the books.
Hey Barbara, you do
you wanna study together?
- Can't, Brad and I are
going out to see a film.
Besides, the next
class isn't until Thursday.
- Yeah I know, I just
wanted to get a head start.
- Are you hinting
that I should stay?
- No, no, of course
not, have a good time.
Julie, will you help me
work on some flash cards?
- Flash cards?
- I haven't seen flash
cards since I learned
that 12 times 12 is 140.
(audience laughter)
Four.
- What are gonna do
with these flash cards?
- See, I want to put
the authors on one side,
and the titles of their
works on the other.
- That's very good.
You know, I'm not really
interested in that movie,
maybe we'll just go out
and grab a bite to eat.
- Okay, you know what
else I thought I might do,
I thought I could
record excerpts
from the reading assignments
and then I can play
the tapes going back
and forth to work.
- You know, what we'll
probably do is just grab
a quick cup of coffee.
- Okay, see you later.
Hey Julie, do you know
anything about sleep learning?
- What's the matter
with Brad anyway?
Doesn't he know that
this is a school night?
(audience laughter)
- And so we see how, in
the poetry of John Keats,
death is viewed ambiguously
as both a thing of horror
and as sweet deliverance,
life's high mead.
Now, that class, is how
to write an essay exam.
- Yes, Mr. Newcombe?
- I'd like to vote for
true/false exams.
At least that way we'd have
a 50-50 chance of being right.
- In your case, I
wouldn't be so sure.
I'd like to use this exam
as a basis for discussion.
Death, as I hoped you realized
by now, was a major concern
of the Romantic poets,
particularly of Keats.
What do you think of
this, Mr. Newcombe?
- About death?
Gee, professor, I
don't know, I don't have
any firsthand experience.
- That's a pity.
(audience laughter)
Yes, Ms. Cooper.
- I agree with the essay.
See, the Romantics didn't
see death in absolute terms.
They were ambivalent about it.
And that essay, well, it shows
a very mature understanding
of Keats point of view.
- It's fortunate that you
think so, Ms. Cooper,
because your mother wrote it.
- Oh well, no wonder
it's so perceptive.
Being older, my mother is
closer to death than I am.
(audience laughter)
- Not necessarily.
You could walk out of here
right now and be hit by a truck.
- Or by your mother.
- What I meant was that
most people think of death
in terms of growing old.
- True, and when death
comes to someone who's young,
it seems somehow more tragic.
- Right, I think that's
because, well, when someone
dies young, there's a
sense of wasted potential.
- Oh, you don't have
to die to waste potential.
Mr. Newcombe's a prime example.
- What I mean is, that
there are other ways
to waste your life.
If people stand in your
way, if they won't let you
be independent, if
they won't let you grow.
- So that's it.
- Raise your hand, Ms. Romano.
Ms. Romano?
- So that's it.
I do not think a person
can keep you from growing
unless you allow it yourself.
- Yes?
- Wanna bet?
- Yes?
- I feel very strongly on this.
(bell ringing)
- Sorry class, you ought
to come back next week
and see how this turns out.
(audience laughter)
- Barbara?
- I have to go, mom.
- You can wait.
You know, I thought
it was gonna be fun
taking a class together.
- Fun, right.
Same school, same
class, maybe we can get
some mother-daughter notebooks.
Or how about some
matching apron strings?
- Apron strings?
Hey, that's good.
Gives you one for Barbara.
You know, ever since I
started taking this class,
you've been acting like a brat.
- Brat?
Brat, that's good,
that's one for mom.
- Now we're being silly.
- Silly?
That's another good one.
- I said, we're,
you get one too.
(audience laughter)
Alright, Barbara, come on.
Let's have it, out with it.
What's the problem?
- You're in my class.
- Your class?
I paid my tuition, as I
recall it, I paid your tuition.
- I'll pay you back
when I graduate.
Summa cum madre.
Look, mom, don't you see?
You have shared in
practically every moment
of my entire life.
- And I have encouraged
you to be independent.
- But you've always
been there to pick me up.
At some point, I want to
become me, whoever that is.
I thought college was
supposed to be that step.
My place, my thing,
and here you are sitting
right next to me.
I feel like this is my
first day in kindergarten.
Mom, I love you very much.
But I just wanted something
that was just mine, for me,
separate from you.
- Barbara, isn't it possible
for us to be here in class
as friends?
- I don't know.
I really don't like
feeling this way, but I do.
I'm sorry.
- So am I.
Look sweetheart,
maybe it was a mistake,
my taking this class.
I don't know, but I've
learned something.
I learned that I love it.
I love going to college, I
love stretching my brain.
I love discovering new ideas.
And I proved something
to myself, I can do it.
- This is really
important to you?
- Damned important.
Important enough for me
to devote two nights a week
for how ever many
years, because Barbara,
I'm gonna go for a degree.
- Well, I don't know what
to say, I'm proud of you.
- Are you really?
- Yes, I am.
- Thank you.
- There's just one thing.
- What's that?
- Stay out of my classes.
- I promise.
- Thank you.
Deal, then.
(audience applause)
(catchy music)
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead, rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ You keep doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Hi ma, how was your day?
That good, huh?
- I do not wanna talk about it.
- Come on, mother,
how was your day?
- Humiliating.
Mr. Davenport and I were
working on a campaign
for Tiger Night Lights,
you know, those little lights
that go on in the bathroom?
- Tigers need lights
to go to the bathroom?
- Tiger is the name
of the company.
At any rate, Davenport
came up with the slogan,
"Tiger, Tiger, burning
bright in your bathroom,
"late at night."
(audience laughter)
- That, mother
dear, is very catchy.
- That, daughter
dear, is not the point.
The point is, I didn't
know the quote,
"Tiger, Tiger, burning bright."
- Oh mom, you didn't?
- You do?
- Never heard of it.
- Alright, but I am supposed
to know these things.
I make my living using
the English language.
I feel so dumb.
I didn't know, Tiger,
Tiger burning bright.
- William Blake, The
Tiger, great poem.
- I don't feel good.
- How did you know
it was William Blake?
- Are you kidding,
everyone knows that.
- I didn't.
I am totally ignorant,
a moron in the world
of the enlightened.
Of course, I didn't
have the advantage
of a college
education, like you.
- Mom, she's only been
in college three days.
- I wouldn't have
even known that quote
if The Tiger weren't my first
assignment in English Lit.
No, college is so exciting.
I joined the drama club, I
tried out for the freshman chorus
and got invited to a boozerama.
(audience laughter)
It's a sorority rush party.
- Lovely.
- How about your classes?
- Classes, I have
to take classes?
- Cute.
Barbara, college is
not all fun and games.
- Oh, it sure beats high school.
For the first time, I feel
like I am really on my own.
- Honey, tell me about
your English class,
what are you studying?
- Let's see, Blake,
Keats, Dickens, Joyce.
- Oh, that sounds wonderful.
- It really is.
But you should
meet this instructor,
he is so incredibly brilliant.
- Brilliant is hardly the word.
I got an IQ in double figures.
(audience laughter)
- Hello Schneider.
- How are you there, Ms. Romano?
Look Barbara, I made
something for you to go to college.
- Oh, Schneider,
ah it's a pencil box.
- I made it myself.
- Well thank you.
- See, it's got your
pens, your pencils,
it's got a protractor in there.
Ooh, and it's got
a magnifying glass
for reading your
notes on your wrist.
(audience laughter)
- Schneider, you don't
happen to know who said,
"Tiger, Tiger, burning bright."
- Just about every
woman I ever dated.
(audience laughter)
- Well, at least you
have an answer.
That's more than I usually do.
- Mother, come on, why the
sudden inferiority complex?
- Look at me, I am woman
who got married at the age of 17.
My education was
limited to changing diapers
and cooking lasagna.
- Mom, what are
you talking about?
You're a success,
you got a great job.
You're the mother
of two brilliant, witty,
charming children.
- Face the facts, mother,
you got everything.
- Oh boy, I've got
you guys fooled too.
You know what it's
like working in an office
surrounded by college graduates?
Everyone else has
a diploma on the wall.
I've got a certificate from
Evelyn Woods' Speed Reading.
(audience laughter)
- You got a certificate
from Evelyn Woods?
I took that course
for six weeks.
I mean, all I ever
got was a migraine.
You really are
smart, Ms. Romano.
- But I feel so
damned inadequate.
I'm scared to death that
somebody's gonna say something,
and I wonder what
they're talking about.
That they'll bring up a subject,
and I won't know how to answer.
That I won't know
the right words, hot.
- Mom, I never seen
you at a loss for words.
- Or unable to talk
for that manner.
- Yeah well, "I'm terrific,"
and "Hi, I'm home,"
and, "Girls, go to your room."
Tiger, Tiger was really
the straw that broke
the camel's back.
I have got an 18 year old
daughter that knows more
than I do.
I feel so incredibly...
- Stupid.
Listen, it's alright
to feel stupid.
I mean, when I got out of
the Navy, I felt kinda stupid.
There wasn't a great deal
of work for me, you know.
I was a torpedo repairman.
Unlike the rest of the
guys, I didn't sit around.
I went back to school,
I took plumbing.
Basic and remedial.
- Mom, if you really
feel that strongly about it,
why don't you go back to school?
Take a couple of classes.
- Yeah, you don't
have to go for a degree.
Just go for yourself.
- At my age?
Oh, I feel so
silly, it's so late.
Barbara, how
would I go about it?
- Red light, red
light, la luz de roja.
- What does that mean?
- The light of red.
It means stop.
Ms. Romano, you've got
to think about the future.
No man wants a woman who
reeks of the smell of success.
- Oh really?
- Yes, really.
You got a beautiful
family, you got a great job.
That's two reeks against you.
- Gee, I never quite
looked at it that way.
- Yeah well, just remember
that famous quote,
"She who nurtures her
mind, gets left behind."
- Who said that?
- I don't know, I saw it in
the men's room at O'Hare.
(applause)
- Mom, why don't
you go back to school,
take a couple of classes,
I think it's a great idea.
- Yeah, me too.
- I don't know, it
seems kind of scary.
I haven't opened a
textbook in 20 years.
Do they have night
classes at City College?
- Yeah my psychology and my
English class are held at night.
- Ma, you really think
you're gonna do this?
- Well, the older I
get the more I feel
I'm missing out on something.
- Look, you don't even
have to worry about studying,
because I can help you
with that, it could be fun.
- What do you say?
- I'm gonna do it.
- Great.
Great, I'll help you
go over the catalog.
Show you where you can register.
- What classes are
you gonna take?
- Well, first on my list is
Barbara's English class.
- My class?
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
- My pleasure, doll.
- Is someone sitting here?
- Just you, babe.
(audience laughter)
Are you new?
- Not very.
- You're sure a new change
from most of the chicks
around here.
- Because I'm older.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm
really into maturity.
- Really?
- Oh yeah, I'm Elliot,
Elliot Newcombe.
- Ann Romano.
- Well say, Annie.
Looks like this class won't
be as bad as I thought.
- Don't bet on it.
Barbara, hi.
- Hi, Ann.
(audience laughter)
So, Ann, Lynn I'd like you
to meet a friend of mine,
an old friend, Ann Romano.
- Ann.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Yes.
(clearing throat)
Girls, I'd like you to meet.
- Elliot, Elliot Newcombe.
Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello, hello, goodbye.
So, Ann, how you doing?
- Oh, about the same
as I was this morning.
- Oh good, good.
Well, I'll talk to you later.
- Barbara, can I talk
to you for just a minute?
- Sure, Lynn, could you
find us a couple of seats,
I'll be there in a minute.
- Sure, I'll see you Ann.
She's old enough
to be my mother.
- Mom?
- I thought it was Ann.
- I'm sorry, I just
thought it might be better
if I called you Ann in class.
- You're disowning me.
- No, it's not that.
It's just that when I
walked in here and saw you,
and it felt funny being
in class with my mother.
- Since when is
mother a dirty word?
Hey look, would you like it
better if I took another class?
- No, no, no it's fine.
I just want us to have our
separate identities, that's all.
Please?
- What did you say
your name was again?
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Mom.
- Ann.
- Right.
- Say Ann?
Ann?
How do you know that dish?
(audience laughter)
- We met in the hospital.
(audience laughter)
- Maybe you could set us up.
- I thought you
were into maturity?
- Hey, I'm flexible.
- Alright, ladies and gentlemen.
If I may be allowed to
exaggerate, let's settle down.
Good evening.
For those who are new to this
class, I am Professor Bradley.
I am here to lecture, to
answer your questions,
if they're worthy of an answer.
And to grade your
tests and papers.
You are here to work.
- He's a barrel of laughs.
- Kindly do not speak
when I am speaking.
I could be quite
brilliant at times.
I don't want you to miss my
unique perceptive point of view.
Would you please read that note?
- "Barbara, I have to stop
by the office after school,
"could you please pick up
some toothpaste and soap?"
- "Thanks, love, mom."
It's from your mother.
- You're a mother, too?
Oh wow, you are
driving me crazy.
(audience laughter)
- Settle down, young man.
I asked you to read three
poems, The Tiger, The Skylark,
and Ode To a Nightingale.
Could anyone here tell
me what these three poems
have in common?
You.
You.
- They're all about animals.
- Your insight is
overwhelming, Mister?
- Newcombe.
- Mr. Newcombe.
What I'm getting at
is this, all three poems
belong to a specific
movement in literature.
I know I'm reaching for the
moon, but is there anyone here
who could tell me what
that movement is called?
Yes, Miss?
- Cooper.
The Romantic movement.
- Thank you, Ms. Cooper.
Dare I ask you to add
to your performance
by telling me what Romantic
signifies in literature?
I shouldn't have dared.
- How about you, Mrs. Cooper?
- Ms. Romano.
- I thought you were
Ms. Cooper's mother?
- Yes, I am, but I'm divorced
and I resumed my maiden name.
- Divorced?
(audience laughter)
- Now then, Ms. Romano,
did you read the assignment?
- Yes, I did, I got the
assignment from your notebook.
What, if anything,
can you tell me about
the Romantic movement?
- Well, it seems to
me that in literature,
the word Romantic refers
to the broadest possible
expression of emotions.
- Go on.
- It deals with exaltation
and glorification and passion.
- God, that's beautiful.
- Get a good hold of
yourself, young man.
Excellent, Ms. Romano.
Looks like this class won't
be as bad as I thought.
- That's what I said.
- For once, Mr. Newcombe,
you are right.
(audience applause)
- Look at that,
what a study lamp.
You can move it
in any direction.
- Mom is gonna love
it, it's gonna be perfect
for finding the raisins
in our breakfast cereal.
Hi, how was class?
- Fine, everything was fine,
everything was just peachy.
- Well, where's mom?
- I wouldn't know I had
some dumb errands to run.
- Something wrong?
- Nothing is wrong.
- That's a relief.
- Hi.
- Mom, hi, how was class?
- Fantastic, it was
exciting, and interesting,
and I loved every minute of it.
- Wait a second, I thought
you two were in the same class.
- Yeah, where were
you, I looked all over
for you after class.
- You sent me
shopping, remember?
- Yeah.
- Mom look, look, Schneider
brought you a study lamp.
- Aww Schneider,
that's very nice.
- Yeah look, it's got
a two-way switch.
See, bright, that's for
intensive studying for cramming,
and there's low,
there's for studying
with prospective husbands.
See, it's dim, it's romantic,
it hides facial flaws.
- You do think of
everything, Schneider.
- I know.
- I just wanted you to know
that despite everything I said
the other day, I
really think it's great
you're going back to school.
- Thank you, Schneider.
And thank you for the lamp.
- De nada.
- Oh, I just hope I that I can
pass that test next Thursday.
- Mom, it's only a quiz.
- Yeah whatever, all I'm
afraid of is I'm gonna walk in,
sit down and forget
everything I learned.
- Oh, boy I know what you mean.
That's exactly how I
felt on my wedding night.
Thank god my mind went
blank and instinct took over.
(audience laughter)
- Mom, come on, I want
you to tell me about this class.
Tell me about the
instructor, how was he?
- Intimidating but fascinating.
- Yes, yes, mom was fascinated
by all the men in the class.
- Are you, by any
chance, referring to Elliot?
- Who is Elliot?
- Elliot is a young man in
class who was hitting on me.
- 17 going on 16.
- 19 going on 18.
SaW a smile.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- Did not.
- Alright, tell you what,
next class you get to sit
next to Elliot.
- No thank you.
- Julie, I was really excited
about that class tonight.
The professor
asked me a question,
and I got it right.
- Yes Julie, you should've
seen your mother.
One night, and she's
the star of the class.
Next thing you know, she'll
be trying out for cheerleader.
- I was thinking more along
the lines of varsity basketball.
- Oh, they got a pee-wee league?
- Right now, I
gotta hit the books.
Hey Barbara, you do
you wanna study together?
- Can't, Brad and I are
going out to see a film.
Besides, the next
class isn't until Thursday.
- Yeah I know, I just
wanted to get a head start.
- Are you hinting
that I should stay?
- No, no, of course
not, have a good time.
Julie, will you help me
work on some flash cards?
- Flash cards?
- I haven't seen flash
cards since I learned
that 12 times 12 is 140.
(audience laughter)
Four.
- What are gonna do
with these flash cards?
- See, I want to put
the authors on one side,
and the titles of their
works on the other.
- That's very good.
You know, I'm not really
interested in that movie,
maybe we'll just go out
and grab a bite to eat.
- Okay, you know what
else I thought I might do,
I thought I could
record excerpts
from the reading assignments
and then I can play
the tapes going back
and forth to work.
- You know, what we'll
probably do is just grab
a quick cup of coffee.
- Okay, see you later.
Hey Julie, do you know
anything about sleep learning?
- What's the matter
with Brad anyway?
Doesn't he know that
this is a school night?
(audience laughter)
- And so we see how, in
the poetry of John Keats,
death is viewed ambiguously
as both a thing of horror
and as sweet deliverance,
life's high mead.
Now, that class, is how
to write an essay exam.
- Yes, Mr. Newcombe?
- I'd like to vote for
true/false exams.
At least that way we'd have
a 50-50 chance of being right.
- In your case, I
wouldn't be so sure.
I'd like to use this exam
as a basis for discussion.
Death, as I hoped you realized
by now, was a major concern
of the Romantic poets,
particularly of Keats.
What do you think of
this, Mr. Newcombe?
- About death?
Gee, professor, I
don't know, I don't have
any firsthand experience.
- That's a pity.
(audience laughter)
Yes, Ms. Cooper.
- I agree with the essay.
See, the Romantics didn't
see death in absolute terms.
They were ambivalent about it.
And that essay, well, it shows
a very mature understanding
of Keats point of view.
- It's fortunate that you
think so, Ms. Cooper,
because your mother wrote it.
- Oh well, no wonder
it's so perceptive.
Being older, my mother is
closer to death than I am.
(audience laughter)
- Not necessarily.
You could walk out of here
right now and be hit by a truck.
- Or by your mother.
- What I meant was that
most people think of death
in terms of growing old.
- True, and when death
comes to someone who's young,
it seems somehow more tragic.
- Right, I think that's
because, well, when someone
dies young, there's a
sense of wasted potential.
- Oh, you don't have
to die to waste potential.
Mr. Newcombe's a prime example.
- What I mean is, that
there are other ways
to waste your life.
If people stand in your
way, if they won't let you
be independent, if
they won't let you grow.
- So that's it.
- Raise your hand, Ms. Romano.
Ms. Romano?
- So that's it.
I do not think a person
can keep you from growing
unless you allow it yourself.
- Yes?
- Wanna bet?
- Yes?
- I feel very strongly on this.
(bell ringing)
- Sorry class, you ought
to come back next week
and see how this turns out.
(audience laughter)
- Barbara?
- I have to go, mom.
- You can wait.
You know, I thought
it was gonna be fun
taking a class together.
- Fun, right.
Same school, same
class, maybe we can get
some mother-daughter notebooks.
Or how about some
matching apron strings?
- Apron strings?
Hey, that's good.
Gives you one for Barbara.
You know, ever since I
started taking this class,
you've been acting like a brat.
- Brat?
Brat, that's good,
that's one for mom.
- Now we're being silly.
- Silly?
That's another good one.
- I said, we're,
you get one too.
(audience laughter)
Alright, Barbara, come on.
Let's have it, out with it.
What's the problem?
- You're in my class.
- Your class?
I paid my tuition, as I
recall it, I paid your tuition.
- I'll pay you back
when I graduate.
Summa cum madre.
Look, mom, don't you see?
You have shared in
practically every moment
of my entire life.
- And I have encouraged
you to be independent.
- But you've always
been there to pick me up.
At some point, I want to
become me, whoever that is.
I thought college was
supposed to be that step.
My place, my thing,
and here you are sitting
right next to me.
I feel like this is my
first day in kindergarten.
Mom, I love you very much.
But I just wanted something
that was just mine, for me,
separate from you.
- Barbara, isn't it possible
for us to be here in class
as friends?
- I don't know.
I really don't like
feeling this way, but I do.
I'm sorry.
- So am I.
Look sweetheart,
maybe it was a mistake,
my taking this class.
I don't know, but I've
learned something.
I learned that I love it.
I love going to college, I
love stretching my brain.
I love discovering new ideas.
And I proved something
to myself, I can do it.
- This is really
important to you?
- Damned important.
Important enough for me
to devote two nights a week
for how ever many
years, because Barbara,
I'm gonna go for a degree.
- Well, I don't know what
to say, I'm proud of you.
- Are you really?
- Yes, I am.
- Thank you.
- There's just one thing.
- What's that?
- Stay out of my classes.
- I promise.
- Thank you.
Deal, then.
(audience applause)
(catchy music)