One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 25 - Grandma Leaves Grandpa - full transcript
Grandma Romano shows up at their door saying that she has left Ann's father and that she would like to live with them.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, da da da da
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, da da da da
♪ One day at a time
- Okay, well you think
I should take this?
- For a weekend alone?
I think this would
be more appropriate.
(audience laughter)
- You're right.
- You know Ma, I don't get it.
Why do you wanna
spend two days alone
at the Lazy River Lodge?
There's nothing to do.
- Exactly.
For two whole days
I'm going to sleep,
take walks in the woods,
read, order from room service...
What smells so good?
- Cornish game hen.
Nick's in town and he's
coming over for dinner.
It'll be just the two of us.
- You never make
Cornish game hen for us.
- Well you're not a guy.
- Nobody's perfect.
(audience laughter)
- Okay sweetheart, what are
you gonna do after I leave?
- I think I'll go
out and raise hell.
- Terrific.
(audience laughter)
Okay, I am all set.
- Ma, are you sure
you're gonna be okay
for two days all alone?
- With nothing but
peace and quiet?
I am going to be wonderful.
(knocking)
Oh my god.
- What's the matter?
- I know that knock.
- I'll get it.
Grandma!
- Oh Julie.
Ooh.
- Ooh.
(audience laughter)
- Grandma!
Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Annie honey, ooh.
(audience laughter)
- Hello Mother.
- [Grandma] Annie
you look terrible.
- Thank you, Mother.
- Honey, aren't you
taking your vitamins?
- Every single day.
- You know when your
mother was little girl,
she used to just love
those little vitamins
that are shaped
like little animals
and her favorites
were the little penguins.
- Mom, why are you here?
- Girls, I have a
wonderful surprise for you.
It's out in the hall.
- Ooh great!
- It's something
you've always wanted!
They'll love it,
they'll love it.
- The pink flamingo from
your front lawn, how nice.
- How nice.
- Oh I'm glad I lived
to see this moment.
(audience laughter)
You always loved it
so when you were little
and I won't be
needing it any longer.
- Well thank you Grandma.
- Yeah, Barbara let's
put it in the bedroom.
- Yeah, Mom's.
(audience laughter)
- Okay, Mom what's wrong?
- Well now what makes
you think anything is wrong?
- Oh intuition
and maybe an empty bird cage.
- Well nothing is wrong.
- Oh well good.
- Not really wrong.
- Well Mom, I'm
off for the weekend.
- Where are you going?
- Lazy River Lodge.
- Hey, what a wonderful idea!
I'll go with you.
- Mom, I don't wanna
hurt your feelings...
- Then don't.
- Mom, I need to be alone.
- You're going away
with a man, aren't you?
- No Mom, I'm going away
with me, all by myself, alone.
- Don't beat around
the bush, Ann.
You don't want my
company, do you?
It's alright dear, I was
never one to beg you know.
I'll just stay here with
my granddaughters.
They love me.
(audience laughter)
Oh please let me go with
you Ann, please okay, okay.
- Mom, get up.
Oh Mom, we love
you, you know that.
You just caught us
at a bad time, that's all.
You should have called.
- Now dear, there
are certain things,
tragedies that just shouldn't
be discussed on the phone.
- What tragedies?
- Ann, I don't want
to burden you.
- Mother!
- Tweetie is dead.
(audience laughter)
- Oh Grandma, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, you had
Tweetie a long time.
- 14 years.
- Oh well that's a
long life for a bird.
- Yeah, he must have
died of natural causes.
- It was murder!
(audience laughter)
- What?
- Your father killed Tweetie.
- Oh Mother, really.
- But it's true!
- Well how did he do it?
- With a cigar.
(audience laughter)
- Grandpa hit Tweetie
over the head with a cigar?
- It was cigar smoke.
Oh you should have heard
that poor little bird cough.
I mean, he'd just be singing
along, tweet, tweet, tweet,
and then (coughs).
(audience laughter)
Tweet. (coughs)
And he just coughed
himself right off his perch
and fell into his bird bath.
- He drowned?
- That was your
grandfather's story
but that bird was dead
before he ever hit the water.
I mean it was a clearcut
case of murder by cigar.
- Mom, did you and
Daddy have a fight?
- Oh Annie, don't be silly.
- Come on, you
wanna tell us about it?
- There's nothing to tell,
I just left him, that's all.
- You left him
because of Tweetie?
- Look dear, you run
along, have a good time.
- Okay, Mom, you're not even
gonna tell us why you left Dad?
- Dear I don't believe
in dwelling in the past.
- Okay good.
What are you gonna do now?
Where are you gonna live?
(audience laughter)
Oh come on Mom,
this is ridiculous.
You're gonna be back in
Loganspore with Daddy in no time.
- Oh Ann, I have
left that man for good.
- Oh that's what
you said the last time.
- I have never left
your father before.
- Oh yes you have,
and you always go
and stay with Aunt Irene,
but never for more
than three hours.
- Why didn't you go to
Aunt Irene's this time?
- Oh well I couldn't.
- Why not?
- Well see, that's where I told
your grandfather I was going
but when he finds
out I'm not there,
he'll be hysterical
with worry. (giggles)
(audience laughter)
Well anyway, I'm so happy
in the bosom of my family.
- Ma, can I talk to
you for a minute?
- Me too?
- Yeah, here you go Mom,
we'll be back in a minute.
- Thanks honey, take your time.
I think I'll rearrange
the furniture.
(audience laughter)
- Mom.
- Mom.
- Yes.
Look, I know your grandmother's
being a little melodramatic.
- You mean you don't think
it's because of Tweetie?
- Are you kidding?
She hated that bird.
- So did I.
- Look, I will go out there,
straighten it out,
and send her home.
- What a mom.
- You know Annie, this
room could really be very nice.
- I think it is.
- Yeah but it needs something
and I just can't quite
put my finger on it.
Of course, a husband.
- Mom, change the subject.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Pauly Mongofrito
called last week.
- Same subject.
- And he's crazy about you!
- Mom, he's still an
exterminator, right?
I'm really not into pests.
(audience laughter)
- He's crazy about you...
- Hello girls!
- Ah Schneider good, come on in.
(audience applause)
Boy am I glad to see you.
- Females of your
species usually are.
(audience laughter)
Here we go Grandma, I
got all your luggage here.
I would have been
up a little bit sooner
but I wrenched my back
getting this rig on the elevator.
- You gotta be careful.
- Oh it's alright, I'll
get an appointment
with Miss La Roux for
an adjustment, you know.
- Is Miss La Roux
your chiropractor too?
- Let me tell ya,
she's really terrific.
She does a thing where she
makes me touch my elbow
to my knee, I hold my
breath, I count to three,
she kicks me in the head,
my back starts feeling better.
(audience laughter)
- Schneider um...
- Oh don't worry,
my back will be fine.
- So, how's your hubby?
- I wouldn't know.
- Do I detect a note
of marital discord?
- Schneider, I don't
think that Mom wants...
- Yes.
- Boy am I tuned
into women or what?
(audience laughter)
So, what's the problem?
- Schneider, I know that Mom...
- Everything.
- That about covers it.
- So Mom, it's not just Tweetie.
- Who's Tweetie?
- Of course it's
not just Tweetie.
- Who's Tweetie?
- I hated that bird.
- Oh Tweetie the bird.
(audience laughter)
- So Mom, what is it then?
- Yeah come on
Grandma, spill your guts.
- Well it's a lot of
things, you know.
I mean it's 40 years of things.
I mean it's 40 years of him
picking his teeth at the table.
I mean it's 40 years of him
singing Tangerine in the shower.
40 years of him
coming home at 6:00,
turning on the news, sitting
down, lighting up a cigar,
blowing cigar
smoke into my face...
- Mom, take it easy Mom.
Now look, those are
all such little things.
- Ah Miss Romano,
it's those little things
that can be devastating.
Believe me, I know.
I used to go out with a girl,
she was terrific, wonderful,
but I had to dump
her because every time
that I took her to an Italian
restaurant for spaghetti,
she looked like a
lizard eating a snake.
(audience laughter)
- Thanks for bringing
up the bags, Schneider.
- Oh, that's okay Miss
Romano and listen Grandma,
these things you
know, they pass.
I mean you kiss, make up, fight,
you kiss, you
make up, you fight,
you kiss, you
make up, you fight...
- Schneider...
- No what I'm
saying is you know,
that nothing lasts
forever unless it does.
(audience laughter)
- Well Mom, come on.
Why don't you give
Dad another chance?
- Oh he's probably used
to being alone by now.
- Come on, you've only
been gone a few hours.
- Yeah well you
know in three days
he'll probably forget
what I look like.
- That's ridiculous.
- Well he'll just
probably go right out
and get himself another woman.
- That's silly!
- That two-timer.
- Mother!
- I mean you think he'd at
least have the decency to wait.
- He's waiting.
- He's waiting, he's waiting.
He's waiting to get his
hands on that Mrs. Granger.
You know her, that's
the one with the blue hair,
that's the one.
Boy I hope I never
see that man again
as long as I live.
(doorbell rings)
- Mom, Mom.
Dad!
- Annie, I'm
leaving your mother.
(audience applause)
- Dad you've met Mom.
- That reminds me,
if your mother calls,
you don't know where I am.
- Dad, you're
looking right at her.
- How could I be looking at her?
She went to her sister Irene's.
- She changed her mind
and came here instead.
- Never accuse your mother
of lying to her own husband.
If she said she's going to
Irene's, she must be at Irene's.
Ah, how are my two
little sweethearts?
- Grandpa!
- Oh hi!
You came to take Grandma home.
- Grandma who?
(audience laughter)
What smells so good?
- Oh just dinner...
- Dinner?
Don't go to any trouble for me.
What are you making?
- Cornish game
hen, but you know...
- Well don't
apologize, it'll do fine.
Let's all sit down and eat.
My daughter, my
granddaughters, the four of us.
- I think I'll take
Nick on a picnic.
- I'll help you pack.
- You see?
You see what I mean?
No consideration
for anybody else.
He just barges right in
here, nevermind your plans.
Well you listen to me, buster,
I checked in here first.
Try the Motel 6, maybe
they're not booked up.
- Did you hear something?
I swear, if you live with
a person long enough,
sometimes they can be
miles away and you still hear
their whining voice
ringing in your ears.
- Whining!
- You two just cut this out,
making such a big
fuss over nothing!
- Nothing!
- Whining!
- Arguing over
such trite things.
- Trite!
- Whining!
- Such silliness!
- Silliness!
- Whining!
- You call not sleeping
together silliness?
(audience laughter)
- Mom...
Golly Mom, you didn't say...
- She wouldn't sleep
with her own husband!
Can you imagine that?
No, don't answer me.
(audience laughter)
Go out and play, you
shouldn't listen to this.
- Well Grandpa, we're
not children anymore.
- Well Julie is right.
I wanna go out and play.
- Grandpa, Grandma, come on.
How can I help?
- Barbara, bye bye.
- You know I see this all
the time at the clinic you guys,
what's needed is a
little open discussion.
- Bye sweetie!
- But Mom, if two
people love each other,
sexual compatibility
can be achieved!
- Right, no matter
what the problem!
(audience applause)
- Well here we are.
- Pauly Mongofrito
sends his regards Annie.
- Uh come on.
Now listen you two.
Now I am tired...
- You do look exhausted.
(audience laughter)
- Alright, alright, let
us not mince words.
How long has it
been since you two...
Uh, since you two...
Since you two...
- Tickled the ivories?
- Pardon me?
- Tickled the ivories.
That's what he says
when he's in the mood.
Come on, let's
tickle the ivories.
I feel like a grand piano.
(audience laughter)
- I don't believe this.
- Well that's true Annie,
that's what he says.
- No, I mean I don't
believe I'm sitting here
talking about sex
with my own parents.
- It's about time,
don't you think?
(audience laughter)
- Too late Dad, I
know everything!
(gasps)
Some, a little,
enough to get by.
(audience laughter)
Okay, so...
How long has it been since
you two tickled the ivories?
- Long enough
so I forgot already.
- How long?
- Since Tuesday.
(audience laughter)
- Tuesday?
Daddy, that's only two days ago.
- Three.
- Three.
Well Mom...
- I do not wish to
discuss this any further.
- Daddy, do you
wanna talk about it?
- That's all that's left, talk.
Alright let's bring
it out into the open.
- Good.
- Right after the 6:00 news.
(audience laughter)
- You see?
You see what I mean? See?
Comes home at 6:00,
turns on the news,
lights up a cigar, look look!
See? See?
And then when I
wanna talk to him,
what do I get?
Shh, shh.
- Shh, shh.
- See? See?
- Ooh!
- Here we go.
Can't do a good day's work
unless you get a
good night's rest.
The most important piece
of furniture in the house.
- At one time that was true.
- Grandpa, Grandma,
you're back together again!
I'll go get the king
sized rollaway.
- No, no, no!
(audience laughter)
Schneider, that's not
gonna be necessary.
- Well there's hardly
room for both (laughs)...
I get it.
Closeliness is
next to godliness.
- Schneider, we are
not back together again.
- You're not?
Oh that's a shame.
Look kids,
marriage always has its
little difficulties you know.
I mean really...
Really I know that you
know, me and my wife
we used to have troubles
but when we had a
problem we worked on it
until we found the answer.
- Schneider you got
divorced after one week.
- That was the answer.
(audience laughter)
But if you got a
problem, you gotta talk.
Now there is absolutely
nothing that mature adults
cannot discuss openly
without embarrassment.
- The problem is, she
won't have sex with me.
- Boy that Reggie
Johnson can really hit,
left hand or right...
- You wanna know why
we're not having sex?
- Next week, the
pro bowling tour,
they're gonna come...
Miss Romano, how
can you possibly eat
when they're talking ab...
- It makes it easier.
- Oh well let me
try one of them.
You know those guys,
they can bowl a whole line
without getting their hair...
- It's true, you have to
bring this whole thing
out in the open.
We have to discuss the
problem, whatever it is.
In this case, sex.
(audience laughter)
- Miss Romano, please,
have some respect.
These are older people here.
- What does that mean?
You think I'm too old?
Tell them I'm not too old.
- He's not too old.
(audience applause)
- You mean you can still...
(audience laughter)
Hey Grandpa,
you're an inspiration!
(audience laughter)
- Schneider, could we...
- Oh yeah, this is
a familial discussion
and you wanna keep it familial.
That means family.
But before I go,
just always remember
and please, never forget,
that time heals all wounds
unless they become infected.
(audience laughter)
In which case, time
provides a scab.
(audience laughter)
- Mom, Dad...
Can't we talk about it?
- We're not talking about it
because it is not the problem.
- What else is there?
- Uh huh, you see? You see?
Isn't that just like a man?
Well there happens
to be a lot else.
There's the
emotional and spiritual
and psychological relationship
between two people.
- Where did you hear that?
- On Dinah!
(audience laughter)
As Arnold Schwarzenegger
said to Shecky Greene,
a woman's love
needs to be nurtured.
And it's true Annie, a
woman needs tender thoughts
and gentle deeds and
romantic actions, I mean...
- I've treated you exactly
the same way for 40 years.
- And 40 years is enough.
We've given it a chance,
it's not gonna work.
(audience laughter)
- She's right Annie!
It isn't going to work.
We had a good go at
it, but enough is enough.
- Well now Dad!
- Okay, okay, okay,
okay who gets the kid?
(audience laughter)
I'll see you in court.
- Mom, don't be silly.
- None of this, none of
this would have happened
if he had just shown me
that much consideration.
- Mom!
- Are you Mrs. Romano?
- I was.
- She is.
- Well finally!
- Cancel it, I don't want it.
- Cancel it?
Are you kidding?
After all I've been through.
First, I dashed up to
your place in Logansport,
but your neighbor says you
were down here at your daughter's
so then I dashed down here.
I mean give me a break!
- I must have been
out of my mind.
- Oh is this from you?
It's a beauty.
Okay well now right
over here, alright.
Stand back, I need my space.
♪ We went out to the
woods ♪ So long ago
♪ In a hideaway cabin
♪ We were all aglow
♪ I remember the birds
♪ Not to mention the bees
♪ Let's go back there my darling
♪ And tickle the ivories
(audience applause)
- I'd forgotten.
- I remembered.
40 years ago today, we
went to that cabin in the woods
for a wild weekend.
- Michael, you must
have arranged all of this
before we ever
even had our spat.
- Katherine, I may not be
Cary Grant or Charles Boyer
or Shecky Greene, but
I wanted you to know
that you know...
- I know.
Ooh.
- Well then I guess
everything's settled, huh?
- Almost.
How about it, you wanna
go back to the woods?
- Do I?
(audience laughter)
And you know it just so happens
that Annie has a reservation
at the Lazy River Lodge
that she's not using.
- What do you
mean I'm not using?
- Hey, hey, why don't
the three of us go?
- Hold it, Katherine.
If the kid is...
- The what? The what?
Ooh man.
Annie, maybe you can
go with us another time.
You understand.
- Yes sure, I understand.
- But get away pretty soon,
you really look pooped sweetie.
Goodbye darling.
- Bye Daddy.
- Goodbye honey.
And thank you so
much sweetheart.
We'll phone very soon.
(audience applause)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] One day at a
time was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, da da da da
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time, da da da da
♪ One day at a time
- Okay, well you think
I should take this?
- For a weekend alone?
I think this would
be more appropriate.
(audience laughter)
- You're right.
- You know Ma, I don't get it.
Why do you wanna
spend two days alone
at the Lazy River Lodge?
There's nothing to do.
- Exactly.
For two whole days
I'm going to sleep,
take walks in the woods,
read, order from room service...
What smells so good?
- Cornish game hen.
Nick's in town and he's
coming over for dinner.
It'll be just the two of us.
- You never make
Cornish game hen for us.
- Well you're not a guy.
- Nobody's perfect.
(audience laughter)
- Okay sweetheart, what are
you gonna do after I leave?
- I think I'll go
out and raise hell.
- Terrific.
(audience laughter)
Okay, I am all set.
- Ma, are you sure
you're gonna be okay
for two days all alone?
- With nothing but
peace and quiet?
I am going to be wonderful.
(knocking)
Oh my god.
- What's the matter?
- I know that knock.
- I'll get it.
Grandma!
- Oh Julie.
Ooh.
- Ooh.
(audience laughter)
- Grandma!
Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Annie honey, ooh.
(audience laughter)
- Hello Mother.
- [Grandma] Annie
you look terrible.
- Thank you, Mother.
- Honey, aren't you
taking your vitamins?
- Every single day.
- You know when your
mother was little girl,
she used to just love
those little vitamins
that are shaped
like little animals
and her favorites
were the little penguins.
- Mom, why are you here?
- Girls, I have a
wonderful surprise for you.
It's out in the hall.
- Ooh great!
- It's something
you've always wanted!
They'll love it,
they'll love it.
- The pink flamingo from
your front lawn, how nice.
- How nice.
- Oh I'm glad I lived
to see this moment.
(audience laughter)
You always loved it
so when you were little
and I won't be
needing it any longer.
- Well thank you Grandma.
- Yeah, Barbara let's
put it in the bedroom.
- Yeah, Mom's.
(audience laughter)
- Okay, Mom what's wrong?
- Well now what makes
you think anything is wrong?
- Oh intuition
and maybe an empty bird cage.
- Well nothing is wrong.
- Oh well good.
- Not really wrong.
- Well Mom, I'm
off for the weekend.
- Where are you going?
- Lazy River Lodge.
- Hey, what a wonderful idea!
I'll go with you.
- Mom, I don't wanna
hurt your feelings...
- Then don't.
- Mom, I need to be alone.
- You're going away
with a man, aren't you?
- No Mom, I'm going away
with me, all by myself, alone.
- Don't beat around
the bush, Ann.
You don't want my
company, do you?
It's alright dear, I was
never one to beg you know.
I'll just stay here with
my granddaughters.
They love me.
(audience laughter)
Oh please let me go with
you Ann, please okay, okay.
- Mom, get up.
Oh Mom, we love
you, you know that.
You just caught us
at a bad time, that's all.
You should have called.
- Now dear, there
are certain things,
tragedies that just shouldn't
be discussed on the phone.
- What tragedies?
- Ann, I don't want
to burden you.
- Mother!
- Tweetie is dead.
(audience laughter)
- Oh Grandma, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, you had
Tweetie a long time.
- 14 years.
- Oh well that's a
long life for a bird.
- Yeah, he must have
died of natural causes.
- It was murder!
(audience laughter)
- What?
- Your father killed Tweetie.
- Oh Mother, really.
- But it's true!
- Well how did he do it?
- With a cigar.
(audience laughter)
- Grandpa hit Tweetie
over the head with a cigar?
- It was cigar smoke.
Oh you should have heard
that poor little bird cough.
I mean, he'd just be singing
along, tweet, tweet, tweet,
and then (coughs).
(audience laughter)
Tweet. (coughs)
And he just coughed
himself right off his perch
and fell into his bird bath.
- He drowned?
- That was your
grandfather's story
but that bird was dead
before he ever hit the water.
I mean it was a clearcut
case of murder by cigar.
- Mom, did you and
Daddy have a fight?
- Oh Annie, don't be silly.
- Come on, you
wanna tell us about it?
- There's nothing to tell,
I just left him, that's all.
- You left him
because of Tweetie?
- Look dear, you run
along, have a good time.
- Okay, Mom, you're not even
gonna tell us why you left Dad?
- Dear I don't believe
in dwelling in the past.
- Okay good.
What are you gonna do now?
Where are you gonna live?
(audience laughter)
Oh come on Mom,
this is ridiculous.
You're gonna be back in
Loganspore with Daddy in no time.
- Oh Ann, I have
left that man for good.
- Oh that's what
you said the last time.
- I have never left
your father before.
- Oh yes you have,
and you always go
and stay with Aunt Irene,
but never for more
than three hours.
- Why didn't you go to
Aunt Irene's this time?
- Oh well I couldn't.
- Why not?
- Well see, that's where I told
your grandfather I was going
but when he finds
out I'm not there,
he'll be hysterical
with worry. (giggles)
(audience laughter)
Well anyway, I'm so happy
in the bosom of my family.
- Ma, can I talk to
you for a minute?
- Me too?
- Yeah, here you go Mom,
we'll be back in a minute.
- Thanks honey, take your time.
I think I'll rearrange
the furniture.
(audience laughter)
- Mom.
- Mom.
- Yes.
Look, I know your grandmother's
being a little melodramatic.
- You mean you don't think
it's because of Tweetie?
- Are you kidding?
She hated that bird.
- So did I.
- Look, I will go out there,
straighten it out,
and send her home.
- What a mom.
- You know Annie, this
room could really be very nice.
- I think it is.
- Yeah but it needs something
and I just can't quite
put my finger on it.
Of course, a husband.
- Mom, change the subject.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Pauly Mongofrito
called last week.
- Same subject.
- And he's crazy about you!
- Mom, he's still an
exterminator, right?
I'm really not into pests.
(audience laughter)
- He's crazy about you...
- Hello girls!
- Ah Schneider good, come on in.
(audience applause)
Boy am I glad to see you.
- Females of your
species usually are.
(audience laughter)
Here we go Grandma, I
got all your luggage here.
I would have been
up a little bit sooner
but I wrenched my back
getting this rig on the elevator.
- You gotta be careful.
- Oh it's alright, I'll
get an appointment
with Miss La Roux for
an adjustment, you know.
- Is Miss La Roux
your chiropractor too?
- Let me tell ya,
she's really terrific.
She does a thing where she
makes me touch my elbow
to my knee, I hold my
breath, I count to three,
she kicks me in the head,
my back starts feeling better.
(audience laughter)
- Schneider um...
- Oh don't worry,
my back will be fine.
- So, how's your hubby?
- I wouldn't know.
- Do I detect a note
of marital discord?
- Schneider, I don't
think that Mom wants...
- Yes.
- Boy am I tuned
into women or what?
(audience laughter)
So, what's the problem?
- Schneider, I know that Mom...
- Everything.
- That about covers it.
- So Mom, it's not just Tweetie.
- Who's Tweetie?
- Of course it's
not just Tweetie.
- Who's Tweetie?
- I hated that bird.
- Oh Tweetie the bird.
(audience laughter)
- So Mom, what is it then?
- Yeah come on
Grandma, spill your guts.
- Well it's a lot of
things, you know.
I mean it's 40 years of things.
I mean it's 40 years of him
picking his teeth at the table.
I mean it's 40 years of him
singing Tangerine in the shower.
40 years of him
coming home at 6:00,
turning on the news, sitting
down, lighting up a cigar,
blowing cigar
smoke into my face...
- Mom, take it easy Mom.
Now look, those are
all such little things.
- Ah Miss Romano,
it's those little things
that can be devastating.
Believe me, I know.
I used to go out with a girl,
she was terrific, wonderful,
but I had to dump
her because every time
that I took her to an Italian
restaurant for spaghetti,
she looked like a
lizard eating a snake.
(audience laughter)
- Thanks for bringing
up the bags, Schneider.
- Oh, that's okay Miss
Romano and listen Grandma,
these things you
know, they pass.
I mean you kiss, make up, fight,
you kiss, you
make up, you fight,
you kiss, you
make up, you fight...
- Schneider...
- No what I'm
saying is you know,
that nothing lasts
forever unless it does.
(audience laughter)
- Well Mom, come on.
Why don't you give
Dad another chance?
- Oh he's probably used
to being alone by now.
- Come on, you've only
been gone a few hours.
- Yeah well you
know in three days
he'll probably forget
what I look like.
- That's ridiculous.
- Well he'll just
probably go right out
and get himself another woman.
- That's silly!
- That two-timer.
- Mother!
- I mean you think he'd at
least have the decency to wait.
- He's waiting.
- He's waiting, he's waiting.
He's waiting to get his
hands on that Mrs. Granger.
You know her, that's
the one with the blue hair,
that's the one.
Boy I hope I never
see that man again
as long as I live.
(doorbell rings)
- Mom, Mom.
Dad!
- Annie, I'm
leaving your mother.
(audience applause)
- Dad you've met Mom.
- That reminds me,
if your mother calls,
you don't know where I am.
- Dad, you're
looking right at her.
- How could I be looking at her?
She went to her sister Irene's.
- She changed her mind
and came here instead.
- Never accuse your mother
of lying to her own husband.
If she said she's going to
Irene's, she must be at Irene's.
Ah, how are my two
little sweethearts?
- Grandpa!
- Oh hi!
You came to take Grandma home.
- Grandma who?
(audience laughter)
What smells so good?
- Oh just dinner...
- Dinner?
Don't go to any trouble for me.
What are you making?
- Cornish game
hen, but you know...
- Well don't
apologize, it'll do fine.
Let's all sit down and eat.
My daughter, my
granddaughters, the four of us.
- I think I'll take
Nick on a picnic.
- I'll help you pack.
- You see?
You see what I mean?
No consideration
for anybody else.
He just barges right in
here, nevermind your plans.
Well you listen to me, buster,
I checked in here first.
Try the Motel 6, maybe
they're not booked up.
- Did you hear something?
I swear, if you live with
a person long enough,
sometimes they can be
miles away and you still hear
their whining voice
ringing in your ears.
- Whining!
- You two just cut this out,
making such a big
fuss over nothing!
- Nothing!
- Whining!
- Arguing over
such trite things.
- Trite!
- Whining!
- Such silliness!
- Silliness!
- Whining!
- You call not sleeping
together silliness?
(audience laughter)
- Mom...
Golly Mom, you didn't say...
- She wouldn't sleep
with her own husband!
Can you imagine that?
No, don't answer me.
(audience laughter)
Go out and play, you
shouldn't listen to this.
- Well Grandpa, we're
not children anymore.
- Well Julie is right.
I wanna go out and play.
- Grandpa, Grandma, come on.
How can I help?
- Barbara, bye bye.
- You know I see this all
the time at the clinic you guys,
what's needed is a
little open discussion.
- Bye sweetie!
- But Mom, if two
people love each other,
sexual compatibility
can be achieved!
- Right, no matter
what the problem!
(audience applause)
- Well here we are.
- Pauly Mongofrito
sends his regards Annie.
- Uh come on.
Now listen you two.
Now I am tired...
- You do look exhausted.
(audience laughter)
- Alright, alright, let
us not mince words.
How long has it
been since you two...
Uh, since you two...
Since you two...
- Tickled the ivories?
- Pardon me?
- Tickled the ivories.
That's what he says
when he's in the mood.
Come on, let's
tickle the ivories.
I feel like a grand piano.
(audience laughter)
- I don't believe this.
- Well that's true Annie,
that's what he says.
- No, I mean I don't
believe I'm sitting here
talking about sex
with my own parents.
- It's about time,
don't you think?
(audience laughter)
- Too late Dad, I
know everything!
(gasps)
Some, a little,
enough to get by.
(audience laughter)
Okay, so...
How long has it been since
you two tickled the ivories?
- Long enough
so I forgot already.
- How long?
- Since Tuesday.
(audience laughter)
- Tuesday?
Daddy, that's only two days ago.
- Three.
- Three.
Well Mom...
- I do not wish to
discuss this any further.
- Daddy, do you
wanna talk about it?
- That's all that's left, talk.
Alright let's bring
it out into the open.
- Good.
- Right after the 6:00 news.
(audience laughter)
- You see?
You see what I mean? See?
Comes home at 6:00,
turns on the news,
lights up a cigar, look look!
See? See?
And then when I
wanna talk to him,
what do I get?
Shh, shh.
- Shh, shh.
- See? See?
- Ooh!
- Here we go.
Can't do a good day's work
unless you get a
good night's rest.
The most important piece
of furniture in the house.
- At one time that was true.
- Grandpa, Grandma,
you're back together again!
I'll go get the king
sized rollaway.
- No, no, no!
(audience laughter)
Schneider, that's not
gonna be necessary.
- Well there's hardly
room for both (laughs)...
I get it.
Closeliness is
next to godliness.
- Schneider, we are
not back together again.
- You're not?
Oh that's a shame.
Look kids,
marriage always has its
little difficulties you know.
I mean really...
Really I know that you
know, me and my wife
we used to have troubles
but when we had a
problem we worked on it
until we found the answer.
- Schneider you got
divorced after one week.
- That was the answer.
(audience laughter)
But if you got a
problem, you gotta talk.
Now there is absolutely
nothing that mature adults
cannot discuss openly
without embarrassment.
- The problem is, she
won't have sex with me.
- Boy that Reggie
Johnson can really hit,
left hand or right...
- You wanna know why
we're not having sex?
- Next week, the
pro bowling tour,
they're gonna come...
Miss Romano, how
can you possibly eat
when they're talking ab...
- It makes it easier.
- Oh well let me
try one of them.
You know those guys,
they can bowl a whole line
without getting their hair...
- It's true, you have to
bring this whole thing
out in the open.
We have to discuss the
problem, whatever it is.
In this case, sex.
(audience laughter)
- Miss Romano, please,
have some respect.
These are older people here.
- What does that mean?
You think I'm too old?
Tell them I'm not too old.
- He's not too old.
(audience applause)
- You mean you can still...
(audience laughter)
Hey Grandpa,
you're an inspiration!
(audience laughter)
- Schneider, could we...
- Oh yeah, this is
a familial discussion
and you wanna keep it familial.
That means family.
But before I go,
just always remember
and please, never forget,
that time heals all wounds
unless they become infected.
(audience laughter)
In which case, time
provides a scab.
(audience laughter)
- Mom, Dad...
Can't we talk about it?
- We're not talking about it
because it is not the problem.
- What else is there?
- Uh huh, you see? You see?
Isn't that just like a man?
Well there happens
to be a lot else.
There's the
emotional and spiritual
and psychological relationship
between two people.
- Where did you hear that?
- On Dinah!
(audience laughter)
As Arnold Schwarzenegger
said to Shecky Greene,
a woman's love
needs to be nurtured.
And it's true Annie, a
woman needs tender thoughts
and gentle deeds and
romantic actions, I mean...
- I've treated you exactly
the same way for 40 years.
- And 40 years is enough.
We've given it a chance,
it's not gonna work.
(audience laughter)
- She's right Annie!
It isn't going to work.
We had a good go at
it, but enough is enough.
- Well now Dad!
- Okay, okay, okay,
okay who gets the kid?
(audience laughter)
I'll see you in court.
- Mom, don't be silly.
- None of this, none of
this would have happened
if he had just shown me
that much consideration.
- Mom!
- Are you Mrs. Romano?
- I was.
- She is.
- Well finally!
- Cancel it, I don't want it.
- Cancel it?
Are you kidding?
After all I've been through.
First, I dashed up to
your place in Logansport,
but your neighbor says you
were down here at your daughter's
so then I dashed down here.
I mean give me a break!
- I must have been
out of my mind.
- Oh is this from you?
It's a beauty.
Okay well now right
over here, alright.
Stand back, I need my space.
♪ We went out to the
woods ♪ So long ago
♪ In a hideaway cabin
♪ We were all aglow
♪ I remember the birds
♪ Not to mention the bees
♪ Let's go back there my darling
♪ And tickle the ivories
(audience applause)
- I'd forgotten.
- I remembered.
40 years ago today, we
went to that cabin in the woods
for a wild weekend.
- Michael, you must
have arranged all of this
before we ever
even had our spat.
- Katherine, I may not be
Cary Grant or Charles Boyer
or Shecky Greene, but
I wanted you to know
that you know...
- I know.
Ooh.
- Well then I guess
everything's settled, huh?
- Almost.
How about it, you wanna
go back to the woods?
- Do I?
(audience laughter)
And you know it just so happens
that Annie has a reservation
at the Lazy River Lodge
that she's not using.
- What do you
mean I'm not using?
- Hey, hey, why don't
the three of us go?
- Hold it, Katherine.
If the kid is...
- The what? The what?
Ooh man.
Annie, maybe you can
go with us another time.
You understand.
- Yes sure, I understand.
- But get away pretty soon,
you really look pooped sweetie.
Goodbye darling.
- Bye Daddy.
- Goodbye honey.
And thank you so
much sweetheart.
We'll phone very soon.
(audience applause)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] One day at a
time was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.