One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 24 - Fear of Success - full transcript

A lucrative offer to direct public relations for a computer firm prompts Ann to give Mr. Davenport two weeks' notice.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ One Day at a Time

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ One Day at a Time
♪ One Day at a Time

- Romano, taking a
client to lunch is one thing,

but $31, what the hell
did you order, the chef?

(audience laughing)

- I had egg salad on toast.

Mr. Gordon ordered
bourbon on the rocks.

- And that comes to $31?

- He ordered it eight times.

(audience laughing)

- We'll bill it to
his publisher.

- Hey listen, did you happen
to read Gordon's book?

- Of course I read his book,
what kind of question is that?

It's funny, very funny.

- Inside Iran, you found funny?

(audience laughing)

- I just started it.

- Ah.

- So tell me, what kind of
schedule you got lined up

for this genius?

You got him booked on
the Stan Maxwell show?

- No, I decided against that.

- Romano.

- Channel Three
insisted on an exclusive,

and I gave it to them.

- So you turned a.


You little kidder, huh?

Come on, show me those
teeth, let me see that smile, yeah?

Tell me you're kidding.

- Here are the teeth,
but I'm not kidding.

- All the literary giants
go on Maxwell's show!

Norman Mailer, Gore
Vidal, Rona Barrett.

And you turn him down?

- Look, Maxwell's
ratings are slipping, here.

Check for yourself.

- If I want anything done
around here, I gotta do it myself.

I told you a hundred times,

if you got a problem
too big for you to handle,

you come to me.

- You know, I'm
getting real tired

of having an inquisition
every three days.

- Well, that is just too bad.

I thought we were a big
girl now and could handle it.

(intercom buzzing)

- Yeah.

Ah, good, okay, send him in.

That is Mr. Jenkins,
from Curtis Computers.

- Ah.

- The big girl has a
10 o'clock meeting.

- We sure are touchy
this morning, aren't we?

How are you, old son of a gun?

Annie and I were
just talking about you.

- Cut it out, Davenport.

I heard you all the
way down the hall.

Sounded like the Newlywed Game.

(audience laughing)

Hi, Ann.

- Good morning, Mr. Jenkins.

- Mr. Wonderful
giving you a hard time?

- No, no no.

Just our normal Monday
morning prayer meeting.

- Yeah, well, you better
watch out, Davenport.

'Cause I might just steal
Ms. Romano from you.

- You kidding me, where else
could she be treated as well?


Listen, if you two need
me, I'll be in my office, okay?

- What's the matter
with Davenport?

Doesn't he know
what a find you are?

- Well, I don't think he
quite sees it that way.

- Well, he must
be off his rocker,

because you certainly
handled my account beautifully.

- [Ann] Oh, thank you.

- By the way, confidentially,

if you ever become
disenchanted with this place,

I want to be the first to know.

- Oh, well, that's very, why?

- Well, I've been toying
with the idea of my company

having its own public
relations department.

Business had been, (knocking)
knock on wood, very good.

But it's becoming
increasingly competitive.

So introducing our
new computer systems

is becoming more important now.

Having someone like you...

- Yeah but, Mr. Jenkins, I
just don't think it's ethical

to pursue this any further.

- Oh, you're absolutely right.

I'm sorry.
- What did you have in mind?

- Well, I thought maybe
you might like to run

our whole PR department,
it would be your baby.

- My baby?


- Don't tell me.

You were walking
through the park, and that

landed on your head.

- (chuckles) Do you like it?

- I love it!

- Oh!

- What's the occasion?

- I felt like indulging myself.

Big day today!

- [Barbara] Oh, what happened?

- Well, I got a proposition.

- At last!

- A business proposition.

- Davenport finally came
through with the raise!

Mom, that's fantastic!

- I will order the new car,
now what do we want?

Bucket seats and
torsion handling,

or just dealer with
standard equipment?

- All right, come on, come
on, wait a minute, not so fast.

- [Julie] Mom, we
need another car.

- And since you
just got a raise.

- No, uh uh, I did
not get a raise.

What I did get was
an offer to head up

my own PR department
at Curtis Computers.

- [Julie And Barbara]
Mom, oh, that's great news!

- Mom, how much money
you gonna be making?

- Oh ho, you greedy thing, you.

I don't know, I mean, it
hasn't been decided yet.

I really have no, a lot.

- So we can get another car.
- And a new TV.

- And another...
- Wait, hold it.

Now, nothing is definite yet.

(sighs) but I sure would
love to fix this place up.

(groaning) Get
rid of this old thing.

- Oh, come on, what
about this old thing?

- Annie, I got that washer
for your leaky faucet.

- Oh, what about that old thing?

(audience laughing)

- Him, we could
have reupholstered.

- How about stuffed and mounted?


- What have you been
sniffing, camphor balls?

- Schneider, we
are going to be rich.

- Yeah, what are you gonna,
marry a Mexican oil sheik?

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, this seemingly
mild-mannered woman,

known to the world as, Mom,

will soon be running her own
public relations department

at Curtis Computers.

- Oh wow, Ms. Romano,
what does that mean?

You're gonna be the head
honcho, and everything?

- Well, yeah, well,
that's if I take it.

- What do you mean, if?

- Well, honey, I
have to think about it.

- Well, what's to think about?

You gotta shoot for the
stars, jump on the brass ring,

inhale all the gusto, I mean,
you only go around in life.

(audience laughing)

- You know, Mom, I think
I agree with Schneider.

You oughta take the job.

- Yeah, we could use the money.

- Oh, come on.

This whole conversation's
really very premature.

I mean, I haven't even
told Mr. Davenport yet.

It's the least I can do

before I make a
final decision, right?

- You know, Ms. Romano,
I really gotta hand it to you.

- Why is that?

- Well, you've made it
in the business world,

despite all the
odds against you.

- Here it comes.

- First off, you're a woman.

You got a limited education.

You got no known
God-given talent.

And the only job you ever
held was your marriage.

You know, we all know
that you haven't (mumbling).

(audience laughing)

But I just wanna say,
you know, I mean,

you're an inspiration to
everybody in this country

who thinks they
got nothing to offer.

- Thank you?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Davenport, can I
speak to you, privately?

- Privately, there's
nobody else in the room.

Romano, every time
you shut that door,

you hit me for a raise.

- No, uh, no no no.

I'm not gonna
hit you for a raise.

- Smart move.

All right, let's have it.

- Mr. Davenport.

- Yes.

(Ann sighs)

- Mr. Davenport.

- So far, I agree with
every word you've said.

- This is tougher
than I thought.

- Spit it out, Romano,
you can tell me.

You got trouble with
those kids again, right?

- No, this has nothing
to do with the kids.

It has to do with you and me.

- My god.

(audience laughing)

Romano, you're not gonna
tell me you're in love with me.

- No, I'm not
gonna tell you that.

- Good, that would
be embarrassing.

- Not to mention absurd.

(audience laughing)

I've received a job offer

that I'm seriously
considering taking.

(spitting and laughing)

- You can't con me, Romano.

I used to pull that ploy
every time I wanted a raise.

- Mr. Jenkins wants me to
head up the PR department

at his company.

- What, oh, that's priceless!


- Just what is so hysterical?

- You, running a PR department.

You're still wet
behind the ears.

- You don't think I can do it.

- Ho ho ho, without
me holding your hand?

Don't be ridiculous.

- Ridiculous, terrific!

Do you know how many
accounts I have saved for you,

accounts that would have
walked right out that door?

- Oh, please.

- I thought that if I came
to you honestly and openly

and told you about this
offer, you might say something

that would help me
change my mind.

- Ah ha, so you
were after a raise.

- I was after a little recognition
of my worth, that's all.

What do I get, I get
(mimicking laughter),

I get wet behind the ears.

Well, it's time to
make a change.

- (laughing) What are you doing?

Who are you calling?

- Mr. Jenkins, please.

- You know, Annie.

(audience laughing)

Sometimes I say
things I don't mean.

- Yes, of course, I'll wait.

- I mean, you're not
wet behind the ears.

- Quit that!
- A little damp, maybe.

- Quit that!

- Dry, dry, your ears are dry.

- He's in conference?

- Thank you.

- Yes, yes I do have a message.

Will you tell him that
Ann Romano called,

and that she has just
given two weeks' notice

to Connors and Davenport.

Thank you.

- You know, you're right,
you need two weeks.

Take a vacation, huh,
we'll pay for it, all right?

Hey, the beach, a little sun,
huh, a little Calypso music?

♪ Hey, mon, we go down de way

♪ Down de way, down
de way, down de way

- Mr. Davenport,
don't you understand?

This is over, I am
finished, through.

- So you'll think
about it, right, good.

(door slamming)

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Now come on, Mom.

You've had three
sleepless nights.

If you're gonna worry so much,

I don't think you
take this new job.

You should be
happy, not worried.

- I know.

It's just a big change.

I don't know what to expect.

It's like, it's like...

- Like the first time you
colored your hair red.

(audience laughing)

- Well look, the thing to
do when you're worried

is to go out and get a new car.

- Morning, ladies.

Ms. Romano, I was wondering,
could I borrow a grapefruit?

- Schneider, I don't
have any grapefruit.

- (chuckles) Yes, you do.

(groaning) Here we got your
grapefruit, your tangerines,

your out-of-season squash,

union-approved grapes.

- Doesn't Davenport
ever give up?

- What a dummy, he's
trying to close the barn door,

and the heifer's
already split with the bull.

- Schneider, why don't
you put it over there,

with the rest of the gifts?

- [Schneider] Yeah,
I'll put it up there.

- Schneider, what witty gem

did Davenport come
up with this time?

- Ah, let's see here, he says,

Ann, just to show
you we really care,

here is a peach, a
plum, and a pear.

At Connors and Davenport,
we think so much of you,

we went for the big
basket, cost $18.22.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, if we're gonna
go looking for new cars,

let's get going, okay?

- New car, well, that Davenport
doesn't stop at nothing.

- Oh no, no no, we're
just gonna go out and look.

Why don't you come with us,

and then we can
all go out to lunch?

- Oh wow, that's nice,
huh, Ms. Romano,

all of us together on
Sunday, just like the Waltons.

(telephone ringing)

- Hello.

Oh, hi, Mr. Jenkins, hi.

Plans for today?

Well, nothing major.

- I think the Waltons
just got canceled.

- What time is it now?

Then I could be there by 11:30.

Right, bye bye.

Well, see, he's having a
lunch with some of his people,

and he thought I'd
like to meet them,

sort of get acquainted
and, to bring my briefcase.

- Working lunch on Sunday?

- Well, it's just
department heads.

- Well, it's a good thing this
didn't happen next weekend.

- Yeah, our long
weekend in Chicago.

- It wouldn't.

I'm looking forward to that
weekend just as much as you are.

Well, I better go
get dressed, huh?

- Well, I see no reason
why the three of us cannot

go have lunch and
look at cars together.

- Don't worry, girls.

I'll steer you to all the
right places (chuckles).

And you know where
we're gonna go first?

- [Barbara] Where?

- Camper Land.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, excuse me, I'm.

- [All] Ann Romano.

- I told you guys
she'd be good-lookin'.

- Thank you.

- Welcome aboard,
Annie, Herb Bellows.

- Hi.

- Mr. Jenkins has been telling
us how your new PR department

is gonna put us
right over the top.

- Oh, well, I just hope I
can match his expectations.

- So, you're Romano.

- Yes.

- Well, you're not exactly
the dynamo I expected.

I mean, you're
really rather petite.

- Well, I could have been
tall, but I turned it down.

(audience laughing)

- Hey hey hey, I'll bet
you she's plenty tough.

- Tough, no, I don't think...

- Well, anyway,
good luck, Romano.

Sonja Freemont here,

Research Department.
- Hi.

- And this is Ted Kalkin,
our Production head.

- Nice to meet
you. (object clatters)

- Oh!

- My apologies, I've
been kind of jumpy lately.

- I understand, I read
your production report.

- Did Mr. Jenkins
say something to you?

- So, Romano, can I
fix you a sandwich?

- Answer me!

- Ted, come on, cut it
out, she's only teasing you.

Come on, clean it up.

- Well, you don't tease
about production reports.

- Sonja, right?

- Yeah.

- Tell me, is Mr. Jenkins
due to arrive soon?

- Oh, he's in his office.

Well, he's been here
since seven this morning.

- 7 a.m. on a Sunday?

Well, swell, but even God
took one day off to rest.

- That's why He's
not working for us.

(door clunks)

- Ann, good, you're here,
how are you, darling?

- Just fine, thank you.

- Have you been getting
to know these people?

- Yes.

- Wonderful, good, all right,
sit down, right over here.

We'll get started.
- Okay.

- Sit, sit, sit.

- Mr. Jenkins, about
my production report...

- Not now, Ted,
we're about to eat.

Ann, I am delighted
that you are here.

I wanted you to meet
some of the people

that I hope you'll
probably be working with.

Take a look at these faces
and tell me what you see.

- Well, I see...

- A family, Ann.

- Family?

- You're family.

- I have a family.

- Well, now you have two,
one here and one at home.

- Two families.

- Ann, I don't there's
anything in the world

more beautiful than
seeing a family struggling,

and pulling together
with all its talents

to produce a healthy
profit and loss statement.

Fix me a sandwich.

- [Herb And Ted] Right away.

- How about those
words, Annie, huh?

- Mr. J's pretty good with
the old PR himself, isn't he?

- Would you like
the mustard, Mr. J?

(Sonja gasps)

(audience laughing)

- I would have liked it on
my sandwich better, Ted.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Jenkins.

- Oh well, it didn't hurt
anything important, Ted.

It just spilled all over
your production report.

(audience laughing)

- Ann, would you share with
us some of the ideas you have

about expanding the marketplace?

- Oh, yes.
- Thank you.

(pencil tapping)

- I'd love to.

I am working on an idea

to get your R-200
computer incorporated

as part of Channel 8 News set.

- [Jenkins] Mm hm, mm hm.

- I think it's a really,
a pretty good idea.

I mean, I do, listen to this.

It'll not only tabulate voting
results on election eve,

you know, but it can also do
a whole range of other things.

Collate weather information,
analyze sports statistics,

predict the price of
gas, right, you name it.

Well, what do you think?

- Well...
- I love it.

- Yes, it's good.

(audience laughing)

- Well, it has possibilities.

- You know, that's
the kind of thinking

Mel Moss used to have.

- Ah, well, who's Mel Moss?

- He was our
Director of Operations.

- Before he died.

- I'm sorry.

- Sat right there.

A few days ago, he just
(snapping) passed away.

- He didn't even
finish his report.

(audience laughing)

- Mel was a real company man,

loyal, conscientious, dedicated.

- Yeah, he even
died on his lunch hour.


(audience laughing)

- You know, we're really
gonna miss old Mel.

By the way, did anybody think

to send a floral
arrangement to his wife?

- Oh, Mel was divorced, Howard.

- No, he wasn't.

- Yeah.

- You're kidding.

- No.

- When?

- 11 years ago.

- Oh.

All right, let's get
back to the meeting.

Ann, I love your TV
gimmick, I really do.

I want you to start
thinking about some plans

to lay out a national campaign.

I know you're not
with us yet, officially,

but by next Saturday's
sales meeting,

I would like for you to have
a preliminary presentation.

Can you do that?

- Well, yes, of course, I could.

But well, next
weekend I was planning

to go to Chicago
with my family...

- Chicago, you're gonna see
a lot of Chicago on this job.

Chicago, St. Louis, New York,
Washington, the West Coast.

- Might as well wait and do
it on your expense account.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I uh.

(clapping) Okay, sure.

- Good, oh, before I forget.

Here, I have this
beeper for you.

- [Ann] Beeper?

- Yes, whenever I want
to get in touch with you,

it (beeping), it beeps.

- Ah ha.

- And when you hear that,
you just go to the nearest phone

and call me, you see, sometimes
in the middle of the night,

I get a crazy idea I might
wanna bounce off you.

- In the middle of
the night (laughing).

(audience laughing)

Yeah, (beeping).

- Julie, this car
is perfect for us.

And boy, are we lucky
to have a mom like ours.

- Successful?

- Small, who else could fit

in the backseat
of this sports car?

- Hi, kids.

- [Julie And Barbara] Hi, Mom.

- Oh boy, is this job
tough on the arms.

- [Julie] Let me
give you a hand.

- Thanks.

This little pile is just
to familiarize myself

with the corporate
structure, the market,

and the computer industry,
and that's all before I start.

- Oh, Ma, about this job.

Think you can handle it?

- Oh yeah.

I know I could do a great
job for Curtis Computers.


- But?

- But what?

- But as I was driving
home from the meeting,

with my teeth clenched,
I kept wondering.

- Wondering what?

- Wondering, why
are my teeth clenched?


- What's that?

- What is this,
something in the oven?

- Oh no, not already!

It's me!

- You're beeping?

- Yes, this is one of
Mr. Jenkins' little toys.

- He's got you bugged?

- Ha ha ha, I'm gettin' there.

(buttons clicking)

Hello, Mr. Jenkins, Ann
Romano here, you beeped?

Uh, well, no, I never have
been to computer school.

Oh well, hey, you
got me there again.

I never have been to Alabama.

Yes, well, that is
an interesting idea.

But I certainly
will think about it.

You bet, bye bye.

- Computer school, in Alabama.

What fun.

- Yeah, fun.

- Yeah.

Fun, ha!

Well, that's just one of
Mr. Jenkins' little ideas.

- Yeah, Ma, does
Mr. Jenkins have a lot

of these little ideas, I
mean, how does he know

they won't interfere
with your private life?

- What private life?

Hey, come on.

I don't wanna talk about
any more of this today.

All right?

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Barbara and I have a
found a great little car.

- Little, meaning inexpensive?

- Well, in a way.

Well, actually, I worked it out,

and it doesn't sound
like much this way.

- Which way?

- $5.30 a pound.

(audience laughing)


- Oh, there's she goes,
Indiana's answer to R2-D2.



- What does that
mean, what you just did?

- What that means is,
is I don't think I'm ready

to go through life
being beeped at.

- You're not gonna go
with Curtis Computers?

- Well, I think those
people carry dedication

a mite too far, and
that's okay for them.

But this person wants
to sleep without beeps.

Wants to spend a weekend
in Chicago without beeps.

Wants to read a book, go
to a movie, say hi to her kids.

- [All] Without beeps.

- So if Mr. Davenport's still...

- I don't know about that, Mom.

He hasn't sent a gift
in the last three hours.

- Yeah, just my luck, he'll
figure out he doesn't need me.

- Well, obviously, we're
not gonna get a new car.

I think I'll go take a nap.

Maybe I could at least
dream about a Maserati.


(doorbell ringing)

- Romano, don't say a word.

Hiya, Julie.

- I'm Barbara.

- You're right.

(audience laughing)

Annie, you notice
I'm bearing no gifts?

You wanna know why
I'm bearing no gifts?

I'll tell you why
I'm bearing no gifts.

Because it is wrong of
me to try to bribe you.

Ann, Connors and
Davenport needs you,

and I am asking
you for the last time,

please, will you
stay, yes or no?

- Yes.

- Annie, please.

(audience laughing)

She just say yes?

- I said, yes.

- Yeah?

- Under certain conditions.

- Ah?

- I do feel that I am
deserving of a raise.

- Aw, come on, now don't start.


What the hell is that?

- It's Mr. Jenkins calling.

- You got the raise, I'll see
you at the office tomorrow.


- Ah, Mr. Davenport!

About the title.

- Title, what title?

- Oh, just something
minor and unimportant.

How about Connors,
Davenport and Romano?


How about Connors,
Romano and Davenport?

How about Romano, Davenport
and Connors, ha ha ha!

See you Monday!

(audience applauding)

("One Day at a Time"
saxophone music)

- [Bonnie] One Day at a
Time was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

(upbeat orchestral music)