One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 23 - The Graduation - full transcript

A conflict arises as to how Barbara should celebrate her graduation.

♪ This is it (this is it)

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it (this is it)

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
(one day at a time)

♪ So up on your feet,
somewhere there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry now,
just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
(one day at a time)

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Schneider, what
seems to be the problem?

- I think it's the counterpin
on the reset pressure valve.

Gosh darn these
disposals, anyway.

- Can you fix it?

- Oh yeah, I do two or
three of these a week.

- Well, that's good.

How long do you
think it's gonna take?

- Well, it's kinda tough to say.

- Well, do you have any idea?

- Gonna be a little while.

I think I gotta get you
a new valve gasket.

And uh, a head of lettuce.

- Oh.

- Hey, you guys!

Wait until you see the
great graduation present

I got for the kid.

- Hey, hold it down, she's
right in the next room!

- [Barbara] Okay, you guys,
ready or not, here I come!


- Wow wow wow!

- Well, you can't
do better than that,

a three-wow rating.

- It's for grad
night, Schneider.

We're going out formal.

- Um, excuse me, miss.

You didn't happen to leave
a little girl in there, did you?

Freckles, uh, pigtails,
long flannel shirt,

probably dribbling a basketball?

- Do I look okay?

- Oh.

- Okay?


Did Fred Astaire dance okay?

Did Babe Ruth hit okay?

Did Errol Flynn...


- Oh, Mom, this is the most
fantastic dress I've ever seen.

I don't know how to thank you.

- You look absolutely gorgeous.

I can't wait until the
family sees you in it.

- Family?

- Of course, darling.

You know the entire
family is coming

for graduation Friday evening.

The Romanos and the
Coopers, your grandparents,

your daddy, your Uncle
Vince, your cousin Georgie,

your Aunt Faye.

- Your Uncle Schneider.

- Mom, just tell me
they're not planning

anything big that night.

I mean, the gang
is all going out.

Three parties, disco
dancing, dinner.

It's an all-night affair.

- Affair?

- I understand about grad night.

All I'm asking is that
after the graduation,

you come back here and
spend a little time with your family.

I can't just spend them
back to Logansport

without so much a cup of
coffee and a good cry, can I?

- I know, I understand.

But nothing big.

This is my night, okay?

- Okay, but you know our family.

They're very big
on celebrations.

- Yeah, remember
Uncle Vito's funeral?

- I didn't get to go.

- I just don't want to get
trapped in any big family party.

Maybe I'm uptight, but this
is the biggest night of my life.

- Oh, darling, you have
nothing to worry about, really.

Nothing is going to
spoil your grad night.

- Yeah, with any luck, you
can just say hello to the family,

grab the presents, and run.

- Well, I guess I
better go change

back into a caterpillar.

- Okay, you need any
help? (doorbell ringing)

- No, thank you.
- Oh, I'll get it.

Grandma Cooper, hi!

We didn't expect
you till Friday.

- Hello, Julie.

Aw, Julie, a
sweatshirt, dungarees?

You look like...

- Hi, Estelle.

This is a surprise.

- Well, I wanted to
get here ahead of time

to make sure of the
arrangements for graduation night.

Who is this person?

- Uncle Schneider.

- Oh, of course.

You can always spot a Romano.

- Um, this is our

Schneider, I'd like you
to meet Mrs. Cooper.

It's Ed's mother.

- Oh, yeah, ex mother-in-law.

How are ya?

It's really terrific, isn't it?

Graduation from high school.

Our little Barbara.

- Our Barbara?

- Yeah, believe
me, it wasn't easy,

our raising two teenage girls.

- I'm just real happy I could
give you a hand now and then.


- Now and then!

She was here most of the time.

- What's the matter?

- I think this is yours.

- Grandmom!


Um, what are you doing here?

- Well, your graduation is
only a few days off, you know.

- Yes, she knows.

- And your grandfather
and I wanted to

do something special for you.

- Don't tell me, it's
parked out front.

- Oh, oh, that's funny.

No, we wanted to
make arrangements

for your graduation night.

- Uh, arrangements?

- We're renting the Rendezvous
Room at the Biltmore.

We'll have a buffet and
a small band for dancing.

We'll have a real reception
for the whole family.

Oh, and the Romanos, too.

- Uh, that's very
sweet, Estelle, but see-

- But that's grad
night, Grandma!

- Right, and I have
a lot of friends.

- We want you to invite
all of your little friends!

- Right.

- Ah, look, I think that
we should talk about this.

- Oh, absolutely.

There's so much to arrange.

But first, might I
freshen up a bit?

- Oh, sure, come on.

I'll get you a towel
and washcloth.

- I think she may need a
whistle and a clipboard.

- What happened?

My graduation!

I'm going to be
going to their parties.

I've just wasted
12 years of my life.

- Come on, Barbara.

Now, are you gonna
do things for other people

just so you don't
hurt their feelings?

- Yes, I'm going to the
University of Wisconsin, aren't I?

- Yeah, but you
want to go there!

- Only because that's
all Dad ever talked about.

His whole family went there.

- Barbara, you've got to
live your life for yourself.

You know what you want to
do, so just go ahead and do it.

- I can't.

I'm not the same as
you, I want to be liked.

(doorbell ringing)

- Grandma Romano!

- Hi, hi!

Oh, Pumpkin, Pumpkin, Pumpkin.

Oh, it's Muffin,
my little Muffin!

- Hi, Grandma, hi.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- Oh, what's the occasion?

- Well, the occasion
is Barbara's graduating.

- Oh, yeah, we've heard.

- Yeah, and going on
to college, you know?

- Ma, Ma, Grandma
Romano's right here.

- Oh, that's not funny, Julie.

That's all we need
right now is, Mom!

- Hi, surprise surprise!

- Why didn't you call?

- Because every time I call,
you ask me what the problem is.

And then I tell you, and
you tell me not to worry.

Annie, Annie,
honey, I'm a mother.

Come on, come on, let me worry.

- Ma, what are
you worried about?

Mom, Mom, I hate that.

You've been doing that
since I was a little kid,

and it really drives
me nuts, you know?

- You see, see, there's
another reason not to call.

We'd have gotten into a big
argument on the telephone,

and I just hate that.

Now it's much better
when we argue in person.

- Come on.

- Grandma, you
baked some cookies!

- Yeah, for my little girl.

- [Both] Me?

- No, your mother.

She likes the ones with
the little faces on them.

- Mom, is there a problem?

- No, no.


- Mom!

- It's Estelle Cooper.

Estelle Cooper, you
know, she's let it slip

that she's planning
something real big

for Barbara's graduation party.

Well, you know how she is.

She'll just barge right in,
she'll just take right over.

Well, here's what
we're gonna do.

- Uh, Grandma, you see,
Mom has kind of planned

a little get-together
here, a short get-together.

- Right, and we're not gonna
let anyone interfere with that,

not with her plans.

Well, I brought some of
Barbara's favorite recipes.

Honey, what I'll do
is, I'll come early,

we'll use the stove,
I'll set up some tables-

- Hold it, Mom!

Hold it, see, that's what
the kids call grad night.

- Right, Grandmom, and see,

I have this gang
that I go around with.

- Meatballs.

- That's the gang, all right.

- Lasagna.

- Mom, Mom, Mom.

There's something
you should know.

- What, what, what?

There's no trouble?

- Oh, hello, Katherine.

- There's trouble.

Why, Estelle, dear,
it's so nice to see you.

- Nice to see you.

- Yes, yes.

But what are you doing here?

- Well, my granddaughter is
graduating from high school.

- Hey, so is mine!

- We're so excited that
she's going to Wisconsin.

That's the Coopers' alma mater.

They have such a good
liberal arts program there.

- Oh, Grandmom,
see, I'm not so sure

that I'm interested
in liberal arts.

- Oh, I'll tell you all
about it later, honey.

We'll have a nice long talk.

- Ann and I were just
discussing a graduation party.

- No, no, no, Mom, we were not

discussing a graduation party.

- You were too discussing
a graduation party.

- Don't contradict
your mother, Barbara.

- Don't contradict
your mother, Ann.

- Ma, I think you've
just been out-mothered.

- Well, I don't think
there's any need to

talk about a party,
because we decided

to cater the whole
thing at the Biltmore.

- No, no, no, we have not
decided to cater the whole thing.

- Don't you contradict, me,
Ann, I'm not your mother.

- I am her mother, and if
she wants to contradict you,

she has my blessing.

- Wait a minute,
everybody, okay?

Maybe Barbara has
something to say about this.

- Oh, yes, thank
you, Julie, I do.

Uh, now, uh.

This is my graduation.

- And the Romanos
are so proud of you.

- Oh, so are the Coopers.

Now, about graduation night.

- No, Grandmom-

- Don't you bother
about a thing,

just leave everything to us.

- All I want to know is, do
you have to have the party

on graduation night?

- Well, you don't celebrate
Christmas on December 26th.

- The whole family's coming
from all over for the party.

- You can't expect them to
come and then go home again.

- You know that Uncle
Frank is coming from Muncie?

He's got his art department,
they're going to make

little caps and gowns
for the nut cups,

is going to be so cute.

- And Cousin Rosalind
is bringing the baby.

- Baby?

Wait a second, wait a minute!

This is my graduation,
and I don't seem to have

anything to say
about this party.

Or my college, or my life!

- Oh my, there's
that Romano temper.

- But we're doing
this for Barbara!

- Mom, could you just,
Estelle, could you, um?

Could you just both
listen to Barbara, okay?

- Uh, I'm gonna
be real mature here

and make a real
responsible decision,

just like my mother would.

- Uh-oh.

- What do you mean, uh-oh?

- I can solve the
problem very easily.

You don't have to
worry about any party,

because I'm not
going to my graduation.

Yes, that's right,
I'm not going.

They can mail me the diploma.

That's it, problem
solved, I'm not going

to my graduation,
the hell with it!



- Annie, you march
right in there and

you have a talk
with her, now go on.

- Mom!

Would you stop
telling me what to do?

I mean, what in the
world do you know

about raising a daughter?

- Okay, okay.

What are you going to do?

- Okay.

I'm going to walk in
there and listen to her.

Now, while I am
straightening things out,

will you two ladies
just cool it, okay?



- Uh, you know, I
don't know if this is what

Mom meant when she said cool.

I mean, you're both
cool and everything,

but like, cool is
like, you know?

I mean, you gotta be cool.

It's cool, I'm...

Grandma Romano,
I think it's your move.

- Mom, I love them both.

I love the whole family,
but nobody seems to care

about the way that I feel.

All right.

I'm done, go ahead.

- Go ahead and what?

- Go ahead and tell me that I
have to go to the graduation.

Go ahead and tell me that I
have to go to some family party.

- Mm-mm.

It's your graduation,
it's also your family.

I think you should do
what you wanna do.

- You're not gonna say anything?

- Mm-mm.

- Nothing?

- Nothing.

- Oh.

Well, what would you do?


- Oh, no.

See, I haven't even
thought about it.

It's not my decision.

Do you want me to
tell you what to do?

- Yes.

No, I don't know.

I think I'd like you
to tell me what to do,

and then I'd like not doing it.

- Sounds about right.

Well, sooner or
later, we all have to

grow up and make decisions.

- I'm not sure I like it.

- Making decisions?

- Growing up.


Graduation, my decision, right?

- Your decision.

- Okay, I'm going to make
a very adult decision here.

I really want to go to my
graduation, I'm gonna go.

- Okay, good.

What about the family party?

- Oh, Mom, I just made
one adult decision,

let's not overdo it.

I've got just one
last night to be a kid.

I'm gonna go out and play.

- No family party.

- No family party.


- Your decision.

- Okay, I'll wait here
while you tell them.


- Nope.

- Nope?

- No, darling, your decision.

You get to tell them.

- You know, this being
an adult is really the pits.

- You're telling me.

- Mom?

- Yeah?

- If I really am an adult,
I mean, legally and all,

how come I don't
feel any different?

I mean, I still feel like me.

- You're always
gonna feel like that.

- When do you finally
feel all grown up?

- I'll tell you
when I get there.

Come on.

- Big help.

- I know.

- Hey, guys, welcome
back to the front.

Want some coffee?

- Yes, I'd love some.

- I'd like some too.

- Coffee?

Barbara, it doesn't
seem possible that

you're old enough for coffee.

- Oh, well, I only
have it when I smoke.



- Yeah?

Barbara and I
had a real nice talk.

And she has some very
definite ideas about graduation.

- Um, well.

Um, I'm sorry about blowing up.

I made a decision.

Some decisions,
a lot of decisions.

Sometimes I make
decisions and then I end up

not doing them, so...

Um, well.

First off, and my mother
doesn't even know this one.

I'm not gonna go to the
University of Wisconsin.

- Barbara.

- Not this year.

- But your father went
there, and his father!

Why, your grandfather and I met

at the University of Wisconsin!

- Well, just for the
next couple of years,

I want to go to City College.

- City College?

Why in the world
would you want to go-

- Because it costs twice as much

to go to college out of state.

See, City College has a very
good life sciences department,

and, well, that
kind of interests me.

So I can stay at
home, save money,

get the courses that I want,
decide what I wanna do.

Besides, I kinda like it here.

Okay, Mom?

- Yeah, okay.

Sounds good to me.

And I'm sure your
father will approve,

particularly the part
about saving money.


Barbara, graduation night.

- Yeah, did you
change your mind?

- Uh, yes and no.

Yes, I am gonna
go to my graduation.

And uh, no, I-

- Hey there, ladies, how are ya?

Look at you all there.

You wanna play some
bingo, I'll call out the numbers.

N 42, G 56!

- Ann, this man has a
key to your apartment?

- So what?

So does she.

How are you there,
Grandma Romano?

- Hey!

- Uh, Schneider, Barbara
was just getting ready

to say something very
important about her graduation.

- Oh, oh, I sure don't
wanna miss that.

Move it over there, toots.

- Mr. Schneider, this is family.

- Oh, Grandmom, that's okay.

Schneider is family.

Well, he really helped
me through high school.

- I'm only happy
that I could help you

through the grooves of academia.

- You helped Barbara
with her schoolwork?

- Absolutely.

I said to her, Barbara,
you pick an elective

that I can help
you with, all right?

Now, how many
girls do you know that

pull straight A's in metal shop?

- Well, as Barbara
said, Schneider is family.

- Sure I am, here, look at this.

Got a picture in here
of me and the two kids

when they first moved in here.

- Really?

- Yeah, that's me in the middle.

Right in the middle, that's me.

- Oh yes, the one
with the mustache.

- You got the eyes of an eagle.

- Schneider, I didn't know
you carried around our picture.

- Yeah, you ladies have given
me some very fond memories.

I mean, I remember the
first time the three of you

came out of the elevator.

I remember the first
time I took you and Julie

fishing up at Indian Lake.

The first time the paramedics
pulled us out of the lake.

Wow, four years, it
doesn't seem possible.

- Well, think what this
graduation means to me.

I mean, after all,
I've been around

a lot more than four years.

- How true.

- You wanna see
the pictures I have?

Do you know I
have one of Barbara

the first time she went to camp?

- No!

- Right, look, right there.

Isn't that cute?

Yeah, and here's Julie
on her first little tricycle,


Oh, and here's
Barbara as a baby.


- [Barbara] I was so adorable.

- [Ann] That's before
you learned how to talk.

- Oh, and look,
here's Julie when she

decided to cut her own hair.

- Oh yeah, that's when the
bubblegum blew up in her face.

- Katherine, those pictures
are all very nice, really,

but uh.

- Wow!

- Here is Barbara just when
she started kindergarten.

And here is Julie and
Barbara in the bathtub.

And they took this
picture of Julie at school

when she was seven.

And who will ever
forget little Barbara

in her white dress
when she was two?

- Estelle, those are
very, very nice pictures,

but I have one that I
know you don't have.

Look at that.

- [Julie] Who is that
funny-looking little kid?

- [Katherine]
That's your mother.

- Boy, you really were
a fat little dumpy kid,

weren't you?

- I was.

Oh, Mom, I can't believe
you still carry that around.

- I love it, I
love it, I love it.

- You mean to say
you guys have been

dragging around these
pictures all these years?

- Oh, honey, we haven't
been dragging around pictures.

We're carrying memories.

- Yeah, that's my problem.

- What do you mean?

- Well, like I started to say,

I'd rather go to grad night
than to go to a family party.

- Well, if that's what you want.

- That's okay, I guess.

- Oh, but then, if I don't
spend any time at all with you,

I'm gonna feel like
a rat in a formal.

- Oh, now, Barbara.

- And then if I don't
go to grad night,

I think I'm gonna feel worse.

- Barbara, you're gonna make
a terrific mother some day.

You know, you have a real talent

for making people feel guilty.

- Oh, Mom, what am I gonna do?

- Your decision.

- Another one?

- Same one.

- Okay, um, I'll compromise.

- Watch it.

I was compromised on grad night.

- Like I said, I'll compromise.

Instead of having Cliff
pick me up at seven o'clock,

he can pick me up at 8:30.

That way I can spend
some time with you,

and still make three and a
half parties and the sunrise.

- Oh, Barbara, you may
leave whenever you want to.

- Sure, by 8:30, the family
won't even know you're gone.


- Well, I'm glad
that's all settled.

- Excuse me, Schneider, did you-

- Oh, yeah, I forgot.

That was delivered
for Barbara, and I-

- Me, it's for me?

- Yes!

- She certainly runs
to her room a lot.

- Listen, if Barbara can
compromise, so can I.

Okay, I will bring the
meatballs to the Biltmore.

- Oh, no.

You won't make me the villain.

I'll bring the little
orchestra right here.

- Can we settle all
the details later, okay?

- [Barbara] Okay, ready
or not, here I come!

- Okay!


(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] One Day
at a Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.