One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 13 - Girl Talk - full transcript
Ann, Julie and Barbara are trapped in a cabin on Christmas Eve and have a heart to heart.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Right, dad, Julie and I
will be there Christmas day.
We can come over about 4:00 a.m.
and wake you up like we used to.
Dad?
Dad, are you there?
Hello?
- Who are you talking to?
- Dad, I told him we'd
see him Christmas day.
- Oh, no, Barbara,
why'd you do that?
- Hold on, dad.
Because that's the plan.
Christmas day with dad.
Christmas Eve with mom.
- But I thought it was
Christmas Eve with dad
and Christmas day with mom.
Forget it, I can't go anyway.
I'm going to Fort
Lauderdale with Marcy.
- What?
Hold on, dad, there seems
to be a really big hassle here.
Dad says hello, Julie.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, dad.
We're leaving on Christmas Eve.
- You're not gonna
see dad at all?
- Barbara, I checked
it all out with mom
and she says it's okay.
Could you explain it to him?
- Oh, sure, sure.
Then the whole
inheritance will be mine.
(audience laughs)
- Give me the phone.
Hi, daddy!
Oh, no, no, I'm fine.
Daddy, I've been thinking...
- Rapidly.
(audience laughs)
- Daddy, the truth
is I got a chance
to go to Fort Lauderdale
and we're gonna cook hotdogs
and camp out on the beach.
Dad, there's about
30 of us going.
No, I am not the only girl.
(audience laughs)
Really?
Oh, daddy, you're terrific!
Thank you.
Me too.
Merry Christmas.
Bye-bye.
He understood.
Well, at least he said he did.
(knocking)
I'll get it.
- Ho, ho, ho!
(audience laughs)
Merry Christmas!
(audience laughs)
Merry Christmas!
(audience applauds)
Yeah, just spreading
a little Christmas cheer
around the building.
So what will it be?
Candy cane or mistletoe?
- Oh, candy cane!
- Yeah!
- Well, I can hang
the mistletoe for you.
(audience laughs)
(giggles)
- Now can we have a candy cane?
- Yeah, help yourself.
- Oh, good.
- Ooh, and wait till you see.
I got you that answering
machine for your telephone.
Borrowed it from Miss La Rue.
- Won't she need it?
- Nah, she's not
taking any calls.
She's booked solid
for the holidays.
(audience laughs)
On New Year's Eve,
she's popping out
of three different cakes.
(audience laughs)
Okay and now you
just talk right into that.
Have you got you got
your speech, ready?
- Yeah.
- Your little thing ready?
Okay, ready?
- Mm-hm.
Okay, here you go.
♪ Silent night, holy night
♪ We're not here,
but it's all right
♪ Leave your number
as fast as you can
♪ We'll call back
if you are a man
♪ Wait until the beep
♪ Unless you are a creep
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Does that
sacrilegious song mean
you're not gonna be
here for Christmas?
- Yes.
Barbara's going to dad and
mom's gonna be with her folks.
- Wait a minute, you mean
you're not even gonna be together?
- No, I'm going to
Fort Lauderdale.
- Fort Lauderdale?
You're going to the
beach for Christmas?
- Why not?
- Why not, oh, sure,
go to Fort Lauderdale.
Fits right in with the
Christmas story, right?
No room at the Cabana.
(audience laughs)
Three Wise Men
bearing surfboards.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, Schneider.
What are you gonna
do for Christmas?
- Well, me and the
guys down at the lodge,
we always throw a little party
for the neighborhood
kids, you know?
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.
- You gonna be Santa Claus?
- Nah, that beer belly, he beat
me out like he always does.
I gotta be a little
elf again this year.
Wow, Miss Romano, you
look like you've been in a riot.
- Worse.
I was Christmas shopping!
- Listen, is it true you
guys are splitting up
for Christmas?
- Yeah.
It'll be good to see my folks.
They aren't getting any younger.
Oh, Barb, I found the boots
that you wanted for Christmas.
And Julie, I found
that silk blouse.
- [Julie] Great.
- Wait a minute,
are you telling them
what you got them for Christmas?
Miss Romano, where's your
sense of Christmas magic,
your joy of surprise,
your sleigh bells ringing?
Your mouse is not stirring!
(audience laughs)
- You wanna talk about
Christmas magic, huh, Schneider?
During the holidays,
the suicide rate soars,
accident statistics are way up,
and the liquor stores
do a land-office business
because people are trying
to drown their happiness.
(audience laughs)
- Well, that's what happens
when people stop
believing in Santa Claus.
(audience laughs) (phone rings)
- Hello.
Oh, mom, hi.
Say hi to grandma.
- Hi grandma!
- [Barbara] Hi grandma!
- Hi grandma.
(audience laughs)
- That was Schneider.
No, no, no, mom, he's
really, he's very nice, yeah.
Look, mom, I can't
wait to see you.
I'll be there about...
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no, no, that's fine.
No, that's wonderful.
No, I want you to, really.
I understand.
Yeah, promise, yeah.
Okay, have daddy
call when he gets in.
Okay, mom.
Bye-bye.
- Something wrong?
- No, no, no, no.
Mom and dad got last
minute reservations
on a Christmas cruise.
They said they'll miss me,
but they aren't
getting any younger.
- That means
you'll be all alone.
- Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Mom, I'll phone dad
and cancel with him.
- Oh, don't be silly,
he's your father.
- And you're my mother.
- Boy, divorce sure
louses up Christmas.
- Something is very wrong here.
I mean, very wrong.
This is the time of year when
a family should be snuggling
together and I'm
standing here looking
at a family unit coming asunder!
With the wolves, leave their
mother alone on Christmas.
- Ah, come off it, Dwayne boy.
(audience laughs)
You're gonna be at
the lodge, aren't you?
- Well, yeah, but that's
just I don't have a family.
I mean, I guess
you gotta lose them
before you miss them, you know?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.
Just please always
remember, don't ever forget
that your roots are right
here, the three of you.
I mean, this could
be the last Christmas
that you ever spend together.
- You're being a little
over-dramatic, don't you think so?
- Just think about it.
Next year, Barbara, she
could be away in college.
And little Julie here,
why she could be married
and she could be going away.
You, little mother,
next Christmas,
you could be here all
alone talking to a canary.
(audience laughs)
- That's depressing.
- Well, I tell ya, Miss Romano,
you got nothing to
do Christmas day,
why, come on over
to the lodge with me
and let me see
if I can't get you
a job as a little redheaded elf.
(audience laughs)
- I think I'm gonna phone
Marcy and cancel out.
- No!
- No, mom, a tan is
a little gross
this time of year.
- Julie, come on, please,
you've made your plans.
- Ma, Schneider is right.
It's Christmas.
We belong together.
- And we really don't know where
we'll all be this
time next year.
- Honey, your
father's expecting you.
- She won't be missed.
(audience laughs)
I mean, daddy's got
Vicky and her family now.
He doesn't really need us.
- Yeah.
And we can see
him on New Year's.
- Come on, mom, it's
us against the world.
- I don't want you
to do this for me.
- Okay, then we won't.
We'll do it for us.
- All of us.
Now listen, here is our plan.
We will get a Christmas
tree, unpack the ornaments...
- Oh, and buy some
more candy canes!
- Yeah, we need a big ham.
- Popcorn to put around
the tree and eggnog.
- Yes, and we gotta
get some mistletoe
for the guys who'll
be dropping in.
How does that sound?
- Festive, fattening, fun.
- Do you remember the year
that daddy rented that cabin
and we went up there
and just took a few presents
and made snowmen,
had a big fire!
- Oh, yeah, let's
rent a cabin, mom!
- I would love to, but we can't.
It's too late.
- Yeah, I guess you can't
expect miracles at Christmas.
- I can't help it.
I know I'm butting in
again, but I can't help it
and in these matters, I
let my heart be my guide.
Now, all this family needs
is a chance to be alone.
- Schneider...
- It needs a chance
to get away from the hustle
and the bustle, so therefore,
I say Merry Christmas
from Schneider Claus.
(audience laughs)
- What's that?
- That's a key to
a mountain cabin.
- Oh, he moveth in strange ways.
- And cometh in strange guises.
(audience laughs)
- 'Cause he loveth
this strange family.
Now, it's just a little
mountain cabin that me
and a few guys at the lodge
got together and we bought.
And I'm sure
you're gonna like it.
It's got all your amenities.
It's got the lavatoire.
It has a waterbed.
It's got the moose head antlers.
(laughs)
You wanna take it or not?
- Oh, thank you.
You really are a beautiful
person, Schneider.
- Yeah, well, come
off from you guys,
it means a lot.
- Oh, wait, don't go.
- Wait, don't go.
- Wait a minute.
- No, no, no, no.
- We have something for you.
- You what?
- Yeah.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Schneider.
- Oh, wow.
- Open it.
- Come on, open it.
It's all for you.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Pour moi?
- [Both] Pour vous!
(laughs)
- All prepared.
(audience laughs)
- [Both] Come on!
- Oh, wow.
A championship robe!
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
(audience applauds)
♪ Fa la la, la la la ♪ La la la
♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
♪ Fa la la la la ♪ La la la
- Hurry!
- It's so cold!
- I know it is!
It's easier with
a light in here.
(audience laughs)
Oh my god.
(audience laughs)
- Well, he never
said it was luxurious.
- It's only one room.
Where's the lavatoire?
(audience laughs)
- I think I see it.
- Oh, well, be a good
cheer, ye fellows.
We have a waterbed.
I wanna try it!
- Oh, I bet it's fun!
(loud thud) (audience laughs)
- It's also frozen solid.
- Yeah, come on, get up.
We can use the sofa bed.
- Yeah, I hope it doesn't bite.
- Well, we could light a
fire, but there's no wood.
- Well, we can always
burn the lavatoire.
(howling)
(laughing nervously)
- What was that?
- Eight tiny reindeer?
- It was just the wind.
- Right.
- Right.
(howling)
(laughing nervously)
Wind with a lousy disposition.
- Well, I mean,
you're not afraid
of a little noise, are you?
- No, no, no.
I'm scared of what's
making the little noise.
(audience laughs)
- Well, so we're not scared.
You know, let's do
something, not bounce.
That's not helpful.
Let's get this stuff put away.
- Put away.
- Okay.
- Put this stuff away.
- Okay, I got this stuff.
Oh.
Okay.
(audience laughs)
This stuff isn't
gonna fit in there.
- Well, why don't
we put it on ice?
The waterbed.
- Ah-ha.
That's a brilliant
child there, I have.
Okay, on ice it is.
- Okay.
- I never heard of
raiding a bed for food.
- You know what we should do?
We could roll back the
covers and go ice skating.
Wait a minute.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, righty.
- So, what do we do now?
- We could put on some music.
- Hey, good.
Good thinking.
Let's see, what do we got here.
Music to get lucky
by... (audience laughs)
- Christmas in an X-rated cabin.
Oh, look.
We could do a jigsaw puzzle
if you wanna see the
real Farrah Fawcett.
- You know what we should
do, we should report this place
to Gloria Steinem
and have it blown up.
Well, here we are.
Together.
- Some Christmas Eve.
- Yeah.
Look, it's late and
we're exhausted,
so why don't we
just call it a night.
- Yeah.
- Good idea.
- What time is it?
- 8:15.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Mom?
- Hmm?
- Can I mention something?
Your elbow is in my ear.
(audience laughs)
- I'll take my elbow
out of your ear
if you will remove your
knee from my stomach.
How are you doing, Barb?
(audience laughs)
Barb?
- She's asleep.
In her previous life, she
must've been a sardine.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, she was such a cute baby.
- Whatever happened to her?
(audience laughs)
- Toothless smile, bald
head, little furrowed forehead.
- A baby prune.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you two were quite a pair.
She used to follow
you all over the place.
She thought you were perfect.
- Sure had her fooled.
(audience laughs)
- You did not.
- You mean you heard
everything we said about you?
- Yeah, sorta like listening
in on your own funeral.
- You know what this is like?
This is like when
you two were little
and you tried every
excuse in the book
to crawl into bed with
your daddy and me.
- Yeah, I remember
there was this spider
the size of an eggplant excuse.
- I hated spiders.
- I hated eggplant.
- Actually, we just
wanted to know
what was going on
with you and dad.
- Well, as I recall, nothing.
(audience laughs)
After you came into the room.
As I further recall, there
wasn't much going on.
- Mom!
- Mom!
- It's weird.
Wonder why daddy isn't
part of the family anymore?
- Mom?
- Hmm?
- Are there times you feel
more divorced than other times?
- Yeah.
- Christmas is so strange.
When we were all together,
we didn't have to dream
up ways to have fun.
- Do you really miss
your daddy that much?
- Yeah.
- Barb?
- Yeah.
See the happy
teenager figure out
which weekend to
spend with which parent.
- Fa la la la la.
So that's what's
going on underneath
the well-adjusted exteriors
of my two young women, huh?
- Oh, mom, it's
not that way, really.
- Now, it seems almost...
- Normal.
- Yeah!
- Us? Normal?
Hmm, not a chance.
(laughing)
- You know this reminds me of?
- What?
- Reminds me of all
the slumber parties
we used to go to, remember?
- Oh, we used to
sit around in the dark
and scare each other.
- Yeah, all those
stories about sex.
(audience laughs)
- I mean the ghost
stories, dumb-dumb.
- Oh, those too.
(laughs)
(gasps)
- What's the matter?
- Oh, I just remembered
the scariest one of them all
about the escaped maniac.
(gasps)
- Oh, that one is so gross!
- Oh, oh, oh,
tell it, Julie, tell it!
I've got goosebumps already!
- Okay.
Now, one dark night,
a young couple go to
Lovers' Lane in the park.
- Oh, so this is a
story about sex.
(audience laughs)
- And the guy turns on the radio
to get a little
romantic music going.
All of a sudden, the mood
is broken by a news bulletin.
The Lovers' Lane
maniac has escaped
and is going
around killing people
with the hook he
has instead of a hand.
- Ew, gross.
(audience laughs)
- So the guy guns the engine
and rips away from Lovers' Lane.
- She didn't kiss
good enough, huh?
- Shh! (audience laughs)
- This next part's
really good, listen.
- I'm listening.
- So, they pull up in
front of the girl's house
and the guy goes around
the car to let her out
and hanging from the
handle is a bloody hook!
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- That's it?
- Mom, when you're nine
years old, that's scary.
- Well, I guess
you had to be there.
- Yeah, I guess so.
(clattering) (gasps)
- The hook!
(screams)
- Mom!
- It's just a tree branch.
- Yeah, well, I'm glad
those days are over.
- I'm not.
Sometimes I'm not.
- You want us to be
your babies again?
- Oh, no.
I wouldn't go through potty
training again for anything.
(audience laughs)
No, I mean, sometimes,
you know, you're growing up
and that means
you're growing away.
And that's good, I mean,
don't get me wrong,
but on the other
hand, you know...
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know.
Sure, I know.
Sometimes I wish the two of
you were in pinafores again.
- I hated pinafores.
- So did I, but grandma just
kept right on sewing them.
I don't know.
You're not even
out on your own yet
and already I'm missing you.
- Tell you what, mom.
- Hmm.
- If it would make
you feel any better,
I'll never go to college,
I'll never get married,
never have any kids.
We can just grow old together.
(audience laughs)
- I don't miss you that much.
(audience laughs)
- Do you like being a mother?
- Oh, honey, right now,
you two are the most important
people in the world to me.
Without you, I'd be
freezing to death.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know if I
wanna have kids.
- You're kidding.
- I never heard
you say that before.
- Well, everybody expects you
to grow up and raise a family.
Maybe I'm selfish, I don't know,
but I see all the trouble
that kids cause their parents
and parents cause their kids.
Then why restrict yourself?
You can have pain and
worry and no free time.
Probably end up being
disappointed anyway.
- Julie, look...
- Mom, you've been
disappointed in me.
I know you have.
- Sometimes, I have wanted
to throttle the two of you,
but really deep down
disappointed, nah.
And Julie before you
make that decision
about not having children, I
want you to remember something.
I wouldn't have missed
having the two of you
for anything in the world.
- I wanna have a
whole bunch of kids.
(audience laughs)
I wonder if I'll be
a good mother.
- Hmm.
If it's hereditary,
you'll be fantastic.
(laughs)
- Maybe I'll compromise.
I'll have a baby
and stay single.
(audience laughs)
Well, have you ever heard
of a single person
getting divorced?
(audience laughs)
It's cold.
- Is it warmer in
bed with a man?
(audience laughs)
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
I mean, yeah, is it
warmer in bed with a man?
(audience laughs)
- Near as I remember.
- You know what
would be really neat?
(laughs)
- Says Julie
changing the subject.
- No, I think it
would be really neat
to have you to my
house for dinner.
I mean, you'd have to
be polite about my cooking
because you'd be a guest.
- Mm-mm, wrong, mothers
never have to be polite.
- Oh, that's right.
- I hope you both invite me.
- Of course we will.
- What if you move away?
- Then we'll call you.
- A lot.
- Collect.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
- Ah, Julie, check the
time, will you, sweetheart?
- Sure.
- Okay.
- It's five after 12.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- [Both] Merry Christmas.
- [Julie] Merry
Christmas, monster.
- Merry Christmas.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
- It's been a very
important and special one.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You know I wanna do right now?
Eat! (gasps)
- Good idea!
- I'm all for that!
- All right!
- It's too cold to
get out of bed.
(audience laughs)
- Well, somebody
has to get the food.
Some nice, sweet,
warm loving dear mother.
(audience laughs)
- You're breaking my heart.
- Then you go, Julie,
you're the oldest.
- You go, Barbara,
you're the youngest.
- Oh.
- Ah, come on, we'll all go
at the count of three.
- Okay.
- [All] One, two, three!
(audience laughs)
- They're gonna
find us in the spring.
(audience laughs)
Starved to death,
eight feet from food.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, okay, I will go!
- Oh, you're so sweet!
- I know, I know!
- You love us!
Give my covers back.
- No, I am taking the covers!
- Mom! (audience laughs)
- Everybody has to go!
Come on, move it!
All right, Julie, get
jam, crackers, and...
- I'll get it.
- I'll get the jam!
- That's enough.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
- Oh, no, do you
know what I found?
- [Ann] What?
- A thermostat and it works!
- Oh!
- Wait, wait, turn it on
and let's go!
(audience applauds)
(upbeat jazz music)
- [Announcer] One Day
At A Time was recorded live
on tape before a
studio audience.
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Right, dad, Julie and I
will be there Christmas day.
We can come over about 4:00 a.m.
and wake you up like we used to.
Dad?
Dad, are you there?
Hello?
- Who are you talking to?
- Dad, I told him we'd
see him Christmas day.
- Oh, no, Barbara,
why'd you do that?
- Hold on, dad.
Because that's the plan.
Christmas day with dad.
Christmas Eve with mom.
- But I thought it was
Christmas Eve with dad
and Christmas day with mom.
Forget it, I can't go anyway.
I'm going to Fort
Lauderdale with Marcy.
- What?
Hold on, dad, there seems
to be a really big hassle here.
Dad says hello, Julie.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, dad.
We're leaving on Christmas Eve.
- You're not gonna
see dad at all?
- Barbara, I checked
it all out with mom
and she says it's okay.
Could you explain it to him?
- Oh, sure, sure.
Then the whole
inheritance will be mine.
(audience laughs)
- Give me the phone.
Hi, daddy!
Oh, no, no, I'm fine.
Daddy, I've been thinking...
- Rapidly.
(audience laughs)
- Daddy, the truth
is I got a chance
to go to Fort Lauderdale
and we're gonna cook hotdogs
and camp out on the beach.
Dad, there's about
30 of us going.
No, I am not the only girl.
(audience laughs)
Really?
Oh, daddy, you're terrific!
Thank you.
Me too.
Merry Christmas.
Bye-bye.
He understood.
Well, at least he said he did.
(knocking)
I'll get it.
- Ho, ho, ho!
(audience laughs)
Merry Christmas!
(audience laughs)
Merry Christmas!
(audience applauds)
Yeah, just spreading
a little Christmas cheer
around the building.
So what will it be?
Candy cane or mistletoe?
- Oh, candy cane!
- Yeah!
- Well, I can hang
the mistletoe for you.
(audience laughs)
(giggles)
- Now can we have a candy cane?
- Yeah, help yourself.
- Oh, good.
- Ooh, and wait till you see.
I got you that answering
machine for your telephone.
Borrowed it from Miss La Rue.
- Won't she need it?
- Nah, she's not
taking any calls.
She's booked solid
for the holidays.
(audience laughs)
On New Year's Eve,
she's popping out
of three different cakes.
(audience laughs)
Okay and now you
just talk right into that.
Have you got you got
your speech, ready?
- Yeah.
- Your little thing ready?
Okay, ready?
- Mm-hm.
Okay, here you go.
♪ Silent night, holy night
♪ We're not here,
but it's all right
♪ Leave your number
as fast as you can
♪ We'll call back
if you are a man
♪ Wait until the beep
♪ Unless you are a creep
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Does that
sacrilegious song mean
you're not gonna be
here for Christmas?
- Yes.
Barbara's going to dad and
mom's gonna be with her folks.
- Wait a minute, you mean
you're not even gonna be together?
- No, I'm going to
Fort Lauderdale.
- Fort Lauderdale?
You're going to the
beach for Christmas?
- Why not?
- Why not, oh, sure,
go to Fort Lauderdale.
Fits right in with the
Christmas story, right?
No room at the Cabana.
(audience laughs)
Three Wise Men
bearing surfboards.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, Schneider.
What are you gonna
do for Christmas?
- Well, me and the
guys down at the lodge,
we always throw a little party
for the neighborhood
kids, you know?
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.
- You gonna be Santa Claus?
- Nah, that beer belly, he beat
me out like he always does.
I gotta be a little
elf again this year.
Wow, Miss Romano, you
look like you've been in a riot.
- Worse.
I was Christmas shopping!
- Listen, is it true you
guys are splitting up
for Christmas?
- Yeah.
It'll be good to see my folks.
They aren't getting any younger.
Oh, Barb, I found the boots
that you wanted for Christmas.
And Julie, I found
that silk blouse.
- [Julie] Great.
- Wait a minute,
are you telling them
what you got them for Christmas?
Miss Romano, where's your
sense of Christmas magic,
your joy of surprise,
your sleigh bells ringing?
Your mouse is not stirring!
(audience laughs)
- You wanna talk about
Christmas magic, huh, Schneider?
During the holidays,
the suicide rate soars,
accident statistics are way up,
and the liquor stores
do a land-office business
because people are trying
to drown their happiness.
(audience laughs)
- Well, that's what happens
when people stop
believing in Santa Claus.
(audience laughs) (phone rings)
- Hello.
Oh, mom, hi.
Say hi to grandma.
- Hi grandma!
- [Barbara] Hi grandma!
- Hi grandma.
(audience laughs)
- That was Schneider.
No, no, no, mom, he's
really, he's very nice, yeah.
Look, mom, I can't
wait to see you.
I'll be there about...
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no, no, that's fine.
No, that's wonderful.
No, I want you to, really.
I understand.
Yeah, promise, yeah.
Okay, have daddy
call when he gets in.
Okay, mom.
Bye-bye.
- Something wrong?
- No, no, no, no.
Mom and dad got last
minute reservations
on a Christmas cruise.
They said they'll miss me,
but they aren't
getting any younger.
- That means
you'll be all alone.
- Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
- Mom, I'll phone dad
and cancel with him.
- Oh, don't be silly,
he's your father.
- And you're my mother.
- Boy, divorce sure
louses up Christmas.
- Something is very wrong here.
I mean, very wrong.
This is the time of year when
a family should be snuggling
together and I'm
standing here looking
at a family unit coming asunder!
With the wolves, leave their
mother alone on Christmas.
- Ah, come off it, Dwayne boy.
(audience laughs)
You're gonna be at
the lodge, aren't you?
- Well, yeah, but that's
just I don't have a family.
I mean, I guess
you gotta lose them
before you miss them, you know?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.
Just please always
remember, don't ever forget
that your roots are right
here, the three of you.
I mean, this could
be the last Christmas
that you ever spend together.
- You're being a little
over-dramatic, don't you think so?
- Just think about it.
Next year, Barbara, she
could be away in college.
And little Julie here,
why she could be married
and she could be going away.
You, little mother,
next Christmas,
you could be here all
alone talking to a canary.
(audience laughs)
- That's depressing.
- Well, I tell ya, Miss Romano,
you got nothing to
do Christmas day,
why, come on over
to the lodge with me
and let me see
if I can't get you
a job as a little redheaded elf.
(audience laughs)
- I think I'm gonna phone
Marcy and cancel out.
- No!
- No, mom, a tan is
a little gross
this time of year.
- Julie, come on, please,
you've made your plans.
- Ma, Schneider is right.
It's Christmas.
We belong together.
- And we really don't know where
we'll all be this
time next year.
- Honey, your
father's expecting you.
- She won't be missed.
(audience laughs)
I mean, daddy's got
Vicky and her family now.
He doesn't really need us.
- Yeah.
And we can see
him on New Year's.
- Come on, mom, it's
us against the world.
- I don't want you
to do this for me.
- Okay, then we won't.
We'll do it for us.
- All of us.
Now listen, here is our plan.
We will get a Christmas
tree, unpack the ornaments...
- Oh, and buy some
more candy canes!
- Yeah, we need a big ham.
- Popcorn to put around
the tree and eggnog.
- Yes, and we gotta
get some mistletoe
for the guys who'll
be dropping in.
How does that sound?
- Festive, fattening, fun.
- Do you remember the year
that daddy rented that cabin
and we went up there
and just took a few presents
and made snowmen,
had a big fire!
- Oh, yeah, let's
rent a cabin, mom!
- I would love to, but we can't.
It's too late.
- Yeah, I guess you can't
expect miracles at Christmas.
- I can't help it.
I know I'm butting in
again, but I can't help it
and in these matters, I
let my heart be my guide.
Now, all this family needs
is a chance to be alone.
- Schneider...
- It needs a chance
to get away from the hustle
and the bustle, so therefore,
I say Merry Christmas
from Schneider Claus.
(audience laughs)
- What's that?
- That's a key to
a mountain cabin.
- Oh, he moveth in strange ways.
- And cometh in strange guises.
(audience laughs)
- 'Cause he loveth
this strange family.
Now, it's just a little
mountain cabin that me
and a few guys at the lodge
got together and we bought.
And I'm sure
you're gonna like it.
It's got all your amenities.
It's got the lavatoire.
It has a waterbed.
It's got the moose head antlers.
(laughs)
You wanna take it or not?
- Oh, thank you.
You really are a beautiful
person, Schneider.
- Yeah, well, come
off from you guys,
it means a lot.
- Oh, wait, don't go.
- Wait, don't go.
- Wait a minute.
- No, no, no, no.
- We have something for you.
- You what?
- Yeah.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Schneider.
- Oh, wow.
- Open it.
- Come on, open it.
It's all for you.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Pour moi?
- [Both] Pour vous!
(laughs)
- All prepared.
(audience laughs)
- [Both] Come on!
- Oh, wow.
A championship robe!
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
(audience applauds)
♪ Fa la la, la la la ♪ La la la
♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
♪ Fa la la la la ♪ La la la
- Hurry!
- It's so cold!
- I know it is!
It's easier with
a light in here.
(audience laughs)
Oh my god.
(audience laughs)
- Well, he never
said it was luxurious.
- It's only one room.
Where's the lavatoire?
(audience laughs)
- I think I see it.
- Oh, well, be a good
cheer, ye fellows.
We have a waterbed.
I wanna try it!
- Oh, I bet it's fun!
(loud thud) (audience laughs)
- It's also frozen solid.
- Yeah, come on, get up.
We can use the sofa bed.
- Yeah, I hope it doesn't bite.
- Well, we could light a
fire, but there's no wood.
- Well, we can always
burn the lavatoire.
(howling)
(laughing nervously)
- What was that?
- Eight tiny reindeer?
- It was just the wind.
- Right.
- Right.
(howling)
(laughing nervously)
Wind with a lousy disposition.
- Well, I mean,
you're not afraid
of a little noise, are you?
- No, no, no.
I'm scared of what's
making the little noise.
(audience laughs)
- Well, so we're not scared.
You know, let's do
something, not bounce.
That's not helpful.
Let's get this stuff put away.
- Put away.
- Okay.
- Put this stuff away.
- Okay, I got this stuff.
Oh.
Okay.
(audience laughs)
This stuff isn't
gonna fit in there.
- Well, why don't
we put it on ice?
The waterbed.
- Ah-ha.
That's a brilliant
child there, I have.
Okay, on ice it is.
- Okay.
- I never heard of
raiding a bed for food.
- You know what we should do?
We could roll back the
covers and go ice skating.
Wait a minute.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, righty.
- So, what do we do now?
- We could put on some music.
- Hey, good.
Good thinking.
Let's see, what do we got here.
Music to get lucky
by... (audience laughs)
- Christmas in an X-rated cabin.
Oh, look.
We could do a jigsaw puzzle
if you wanna see the
real Farrah Fawcett.
- You know what we should
do, we should report this place
to Gloria Steinem
and have it blown up.
Well, here we are.
Together.
- Some Christmas Eve.
- Yeah.
Look, it's late and
we're exhausted,
so why don't we
just call it a night.
- Yeah.
- Good idea.
- What time is it?
- 8:15.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Mom?
- Hmm?
- Can I mention something?
Your elbow is in my ear.
(audience laughs)
- I'll take my elbow
out of your ear
if you will remove your
knee from my stomach.
How are you doing, Barb?
(audience laughs)
Barb?
- She's asleep.
In her previous life, she
must've been a sardine.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, she was such a cute baby.
- Whatever happened to her?
(audience laughs)
- Toothless smile, bald
head, little furrowed forehead.
- A baby prune.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, you two were quite a pair.
She used to follow
you all over the place.
She thought you were perfect.
- Sure had her fooled.
(audience laughs)
- You did not.
- You mean you heard
everything we said about you?
- Yeah, sorta like listening
in on your own funeral.
- You know what this is like?
This is like when
you two were little
and you tried every
excuse in the book
to crawl into bed with
your daddy and me.
- Yeah, I remember
there was this spider
the size of an eggplant excuse.
- I hated spiders.
- I hated eggplant.
- Actually, we just
wanted to know
what was going on
with you and dad.
- Well, as I recall, nothing.
(audience laughs)
After you came into the room.
As I further recall, there
wasn't much going on.
- Mom!
- Mom!
- It's weird.
Wonder why daddy isn't
part of the family anymore?
- Mom?
- Hmm?
- Are there times you feel
more divorced than other times?
- Yeah.
- Christmas is so strange.
When we were all together,
we didn't have to dream
up ways to have fun.
- Do you really miss
your daddy that much?
- Yeah.
- Barb?
- Yeah.
See the happy
teenager figure out
which weekend to
spend with which parent.
- Fa la la la la.
So that's what's
going on underneath
the well-adjusted exteriors
of my two young women, huh?
- Oh, mom, it's
not that way, really.
- Now, it seems almost...
- Normal.
- Yeah!
- Us? Normal?
Hmm, not a chance.
(laughing)
- You know this reminds me of?
- What?
- Reminds me of all
the slumber parties
we used to go to, remember?
- Oh, we used to
sit around in the dark
and scare each other.
- Yeah, all those
stories about sex.
(audience laughs)
- I mean the ghost
stories, dumb-dumb.
- Oh, those too.
(laughs)
(gasps)
- What's the matter?
- Oh, I just remembered
the scariest one of them all
about the escaped maniac.
(gasps)
- Oh, that one is so gross!
- Oh, oh, oh,
tell it, Julie, tell it!
I've got goosebumps already!
- Okay.
Now, one dark night,
a young couple go to
Lovers' Lane in the park.
- Oh, so this is a
story about sex.
(audience laughs)
- And the guy turns on the radio
to get a little
romantic music going.
All of a sudden, the mood
is broken by a news bulletin.
The Lovers' Lane
maniac has escaped
and is going
around killing people
with the hook he
has instead of a hand.
- Ew, gross.
(audience laughs)
- So the guy guns the engine
and rips away from Lovers' Lane.
- She didn't kiss
good enough, huh?
- Shh! (audience laughs)
- This next part's
really good, listen.
- I'm listening.
- So, they pull up in
front of the girl's house
and the guy goes around
the car to let her out
and hanging from the
handle is a bloody hook!
(screams)
(audience laughs)
- That's it?
- Mom, when you're nine
years old, that's scary.
- Well, I guess
you had to be there.
- Yeah, I guess so.
(clattering) (gasps)
- The hook!
(screams)
- Mom!
- It's just a tree branch.
- Yeah, well, I'm glad
those days are over.
- I'm not.
Sometimes I'm not.
- You want us to be
your babies again?
- Oh, no.
I wouldn't go through potty
training again for anything.
(audience laughs)
No, I mean, sometimes,
you know, you're growing up
and that means
you're growing away.
And that's good, I mean,
don't get me wrong,
but on the other
hand, you know...
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know.
Sure, I know.
Sometimes I wish the two of
you were in pinafores again.
- I hated pinafores.
- So did I, but grandma just
kept right on sewing them.
I don't know.
You're not even
out on your own yet
and already I'm missing you.
- Tell you what, mom.
- Hmm.
- If it would make
you feel any better,
I'll never go to college,
I'll never get married,
never have any kids.
We can just grow old together.
(audience laughs)
- I don't miss you that much.
(audience laughs)
- Do you like being a mother?
- Oh, honey, right now,
you two are the most important
people in the world to me.
Without you, I'd be
freezing to death.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know if I
wanna have kids.
- You're kidding.
- I never heard
you say that before.
- Well, everybody expects you
to grow up and raise a family.
Maybe I'm selfish, I don't know,
but I see all the trouble
that kids cause their parents
and parents cause their kids.
Then why restrict yourself?
You can have pain and
worry and no free time.
Probably end up being
disappointed anyway.
- Julie, look...
- Mom, you've been
disappointed in me.
I know you have.
- Sometimes, I have wanted
to throttle the two of you,
but really deep down
disappointed, nah.
And Julie before you
make that decision
about not having children, I
want you to remember something.
I wouldn't have missed
having the two of you
for anything in the world.
- I wanna have a
whole bunch of kids.
(audience laughs)
I wonder if I'll be
a good mother.
- Hmm.
If it's hereditary,
you'll be fantastic.
(laughs)
- Maybe I'll compromise.
I'll have a baby
and stay single.
(audience laughs)
Well, have you ever heard
of a single person
getting divorced?
(audience laughs)
It's cold.
- Is it warmer in
bed with a man?
(audience laughs)
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
I mean, yeah, is it
warmer in bed with a man?
(audience laughs)
- Near as I remember.
- You know what
would be really neat?
(laughs)
- Says Julie
changing the subject.
- No, I think it
would be really neat
to have you to my
house for dinner.
I mean, you'd have to
be polite about my cooking
because you'd be a guest.
- Mm-mm, wrong, mothers
never have to be polite.
- Oh, that's right.
- I hope you both invite me.
- Of course we will.
- What if you move away?
- Then we'll call you.
- A lot.
- Collect.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
- Ah, Julie, check the
time, will you, sweetheart?
- Sure.
- Okay.
- It's five after 12.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- [Both] Merry Christmas.
- [Julie] Merry
Christmas, monster.
- Merry Christmas.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
- It's been a very
important and special one.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You know I wanna do right now?
Eat! (gasps)
- Good idea!
- I'm all for that!
- All right!
- It's too cold to
get out of bed.
(audience laughs)
- Well, somebody
has to get the food.
Some nice, sweet,
warm loving dear mother.
(audience laughs)
- You're breaking my heart.
- Then you go, Julie,
you're the oldest.
- You go, Barbara,
you're the youngest.
- Oh.
- Ah, come on, we'll all go
at the count of three.
- Okay.
- [All] One, two, three!
(audience laughs)
- They're gonna
find us in the spring.
(audience laughs)
Starved to death,
eight feet from food.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, okay, I will go!
- Oh, you're so sweet!
- I know, I know!
- You love us!
Give my covers back.
- No, I am taking the covers!
- Mom! (audience laughs)
- Everybody has to go!
Come on, move it!
All right, Julie, get
jam, crackers, and...
- I'll get it.
- I'll get the jam!
- That's enough.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
- Oh, no, do you
know what I found?
- [Ann] What?
- A thermostat and it works!
- Oh!
- Wait, wait, turn it on
and let's go!
(audience applauds)
(upbeat jazz music)
- [Announcer] One Day
At A Time was recorded live
on tape before a
studio audience.