One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Married Man: Part 1 - full transcript
Ann has a relationship with a married sportswriter.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it's all
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Ankle looks great, Mark.
Now you can do
anything you want.
Except maybe jump
off a five story building.
- Listen, I better call
my paper and explain
that my doctor was on
schedule an hour behind.
- Use my phone.
- [Mark] Oh thanks.
- I've got another patient
to see down the hall.
Take care, Mark.
- See you, Sid.
- Hi.
Hi Doctor, sorry to
be late, especially
for my first appointment.
But actually, it worked
out fine because
your nurse said you're
running an hour behind.
What happened, see, is
I was stuck with a client
who wouldn't stop talking,
you know how men are.
Here.
- No, I'm afraid...
- I'm sorry, did you
want me to wait outside?
The nurse told me to come...
- Oh no, no, no, no.
It's just that...
- Here, here's my form.
- I'm sorry, I can't...
- Can't you read my writing?
I was in a hurry,
see, and that's why...
- No no, I can read it.
No no, it's lovely handwriting.
Romano, Ann.
Age 36.
Divorced, two children.
Very interesting.
- From time to time.
Look Doctor, I'm sorry,
but I am in a hurry...
- Oh of course, of course.
- Thank you.
- Let's see, uh huh.
Usual childhood diseases.
Good, you got
them out of the way.
Oh.
Uh huh.
Uh huh huh huh huh.
Well, what seems
to be the problem?
- The pain in my left shoulder.
- Oh, that's a shame.
How long have you had this pain?
- About a week.
- Since your last
tennis game, I'll bet.
You know, a lot of
injuries are caused
by not playing tennis.
- I don't play tennis.
- Do you like to go dancing?
- Yeah, why?
- Well maybe if you
do an energetic hustle
you could have
dislocated your shoulder.
- When I do the hustle, that's
not where I put my energy.
- Right.
You don't lift weights, do you?
- Doctor, what is
this, 20 questions?
Forgive me, but I
am kind of in a rush.
I have to get
back to the office.
- I'm just trying to arrive
at an accurate diagnosis.
- Well, perhaps it might
help if you gave me an exam.
- What a good idea.
Yes.
Did you say something?
- No.
- Oh.
You know what?
- What?
- I hear your heart beating.
- Isn't that normal?
- Oh.
Of course it's normal.
Heart beating is
definitely normal.
Certainly preferred.
So, listen, have you
ever had this pain before?
- Well yes, as a matter of
fact, I did a few years ago.
- Well, you've got it again.
It's an old joke, very old joke.
- Mark, I'm glad I caught you.
Listen old buddy,
how chance is getting
a couple more tickets for
the Pacer game tomorrow?
- You got them, Doc.
- Thanks.
Hi, I'll be right with you.
- I never said I was a doctor.
- You didn't say you weren't.
And you even looked at my card.
And you put that
stethoscope on my, oh.
- I'm sorry.
You just rushed in and...
- You ought to be
sued for malpractice.
- I can't, remember,
I'm not a doctor.
(groans)
But I was a pre-med though.
(groans)
You've got a lovely heartbeat.
(screams)
- Mom, how'd you do it?
I mean, you meet a
guy in a doctor's office,
and the next thing you know,
you got him sending you roses.
- He must like your X-rays.
- I wish he'd stop bothering me.
You know, he even called
me at the office yesterday.
- Aha, you gave him your number.
- No, I didn't give
him my number.
He saw it on my records.
That man knows me intimately.
- And he still likes you, wow.
- You know, I think
sports writers must think
they're a barrel of laughs.
- He's a sports writer?
- How'd you find that out?
- I just sort of looked him up.
- I've never met a
real live sports writer.
- If he doesn't
stop bothering me,
he's not gonna be live for long.
- Come on, Ma.
He was just having fun.
- Yeah, now what
did he do, really?
- He listened to my
heartbeat without a license.
(phone rings)
- Hello?
Just a minute.
Ma, it's him.
- Who?
- Mark Harrison, Mr. Rose Bud.
- Tell him I went to Nicaragua.
- My mother told
me to tell you that
she went to Nicaragua.
- Julie.
- He says he'll hold
on until you get back.
- Come on, Mom,
give him a chance.
- He's just gonna keep
calling until you talk to him.
- Okay, okay, I'll talk to him.
But I'm gonna be tough.
Hello Mr. Harrison, listen, I,
yes, I had a very nice trip.
Yes, I do appreciate
America more.
Look, Mr. Harrison, I
accept your apology, okay?
So could we just leave it?
Yeah, the roses
are very beautiful.
Thank you.
(laughs)
You made them yourself.
(laughs)
Oh, lunch?
No no no, I don't
think that's a very good,
well, maybe sometime.
Now?
No, I can't now.
I'm in the middle, I'm doing,
under a palm tree?
That's very funny.
There are no palm
trees in Indianapolis.
He says he's gonna dig one up.
(laughs)
Well okay, all right, do
you know where I live?
- Is the Pope Polish?
- All right then, I'll
see you later, bye.
- Good going, Ma.
- Yeah boy, that's
what I call tough.
- Well, I figured under
the circumstances.
I mean, you know, the
flowers and everything.
I felt I should extend
myself because...
- Because you like him.
- No, I don't like him.
I was just being polite.
(doorbell rings)
- Greetings and salutations.
Love buds, huh?
- They're from
Mom's secret admirer.
- Yeah, the doctor.
- No Schneider,
he's not a doctor.
- Tell me about it.
Any man who would
abuse the privilege
of the doctor patient
relationship ought to
have his license rebuked.
I mean, this guy's
got to be a weirdo.
He sees women all day long.
What's so special about you?
No no no, I mean,
you're special.
You've got a nice figure too.
- Schneider, can we
drop the subject please?
Thank you.
- Schneider, aren't
you ever gonna
introduce us to your friend?
- Oh yeah, sure.
This is for you, Ms. Romano.
Came by special
messenger, although I'll
never understand why
somebody would send
something like this
to a grown woman.
- Open the card.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay, got it.
I know that elephants
never forget,
but couldn't you?
- But couldn't you?
- Mark Harrison,
M.D.
- M.D.
Really it should be M.Q.
Medical quack.
- Well, I think the
elephant's cute.
- He's adorable.
Don't you love him, Ma?
- He's okay.
Schneider, thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
But before I go,
just let me say,
because all you
women don't ever forget
the great lessons we
learn from ancient history.
Beware of Hungarians
bearing gifts.
- Schneider, you mean Greeks.
- Greeks, Hungarians,
any of those countries
where the men dance
together, you know what I mean?
- Just think, Mom.
Your first elephant.
- It's silly.
- Personally, I think it's
time you got a little silly.
- Yeah, keeps you young.
- Thanks.
Look girls, can we just cool
it with this whole thing, huh?
I mean, he and I have
nothing in common, right?
He's a sports
writer, I hate sports.
It just wouldn't work.
- Is he cute?
- Well, he's, I don't
know, sort of in a, yeah.
(doorbell rings)
- Hi.
- That was very quick.
You must have been
around the corner.
- Practically.
- On a scale of one to 10?
- 11.
- Come on in.
Mark Harrison, I'd like you
to meet my two daughters,
Julie and Barbara.
- Oh, you girls
look far too mature
to have such a young mom.
- That's killing three
birds with one stone.
Pleased to meet you.
- Very pleased.
- Well.
Where are we gonna go for lunch?
- Well, I thought
we could eat here.
- Oh no, I'm sorry,
did I miss something?
I don't have anything
in the refrigerator.
- No no no no.
Relax, relax, relax, relax.
In here.
(upbeat jingle)
- Oh, I don't, this isn't right.
I mean, I don't think,
this isn't very funny.
Well, that's funny.
- You forgive me?
- She does.
- And she apologizes
for her rude behavior.
- Well good.
Let's eat.
Say, why don't you two join us?
Chinese dinners for
two are almost always
enough for four.
- We'd love to, thank you.
- Sure.
- Good, let's eat.
- Here's fine I guess.
- Cool.
- Yeah, you bet, great.
- Well, this was a
surprise, I'll tell you that.
I tell you.
- Oh, what is this?
- Oh wait, you wrap it in.
- Chicken.
- Boy, now this, this is class.
- Not that we're
impressed or anything here.
- Oh right, we do
this all the time.
- Not me, usually
it's hot dogs and beer
in the press box.
- Hey, that sounds like fun.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
- Well listen, I'm covering
the Pacer game Friday night.
I don't suppose you'd like to...
- Oh, I'd love to.
Football's my favorite.
- Basketball.
- That too.
- You know, I usually feel
guilty about leaving Mom alone.
But with Mark here,
I don't even think
she'll notice we're gone.
- Mom who?
- You know, the woman
that used to live here?
- Oh, that Mom.
Haven't seen much of her lately.
- Do you think, you know,
this could be the guy?
- Come on, Barbara,
they've only been
seeing each other
a couple of days.
- Five days to be exact.
Five days, four
lunches, two dinners,
two basketball games, one
hockey game, and 12 hot dogs.
- Well, maybe Mark is the guy.
- I just want Mom to be happy.
I don't know, settle down.
Get married, have a good life.
- You sound like
a Jewish daughter.
- Hi.
- You know, she looks familiar
but I can't place the face.
- That's the mom I
was talking about.
- Oh, of course.
- Are you girls
making fun of me?
- Uh uh, we're glad
you're having a good time.
- I really am.
- How good?
(chuckles)
- Mom you know Barbara,
she's just nosy by nature.
So what is it with you
and Mark anyway?
- We just want to know
which way the wind is blowing.
- Yeah, we don't want
the whole weather report.
- Just the long range forecast.
- Okay.
Mark is, could be,
somebody important.
He's different.
He's got substance.
He's funny and he's smart
and he's got one
other quality that I find
particularly endearing.
- What's that?
- He likes me.
- Well, the man's
got great taste.
- Thank you.
- I have one question, Mom.
- Yeah?
- Is it safe to leave
you alone with this guy?
- Of course not.
- Now that is a relief.
- So you really like him.
- I think he's fabulous.
- Yeah, that's what
they all tell me.
Well, I got your skis
down there in the lobby.
- You know Schneider, whenever
we need a man, there you are.
(chuckles)
- Well I guess that's why
I was put on this Earth,
to help the weak and the meek.
You know, looking at your
skis kind of reminds me.
When I was a young
guy, I came that close
to becoming a
professional ski jumper.
- What stopped you?
- Fear of death.
You know, those were
the days, huh Ms. Romano?
Belly whopping, snowball
fights, building snowmen.
(laughs)
- We're ready, Schneider.
- Bye girls, see
you tomorrow night.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Mama.
- So you gonna leave
your mom alone tonight
with Sabu the Elephant Boy, huh?
- They're ready, Schneider.
- Yeah, well I got
some news for you.
He ain't no M.D.
I let my fingers do the
walking and there was
no Mark Harrison, M.D. listed.
- I know, Schneider.
I told you that.
Mark is not a doctor.
He's a sports writer.
- Is that what he told you?
(laughs)
And you believed him?
(laughs)
- Schneider, it
happens to be true.
- Oh, Ms. Romano, such naivete.
You've got to take
it from an expert.
When a guy is on the
make, he'll lie about anything
from his income to his output.
- Really?
- Of course.
I mean, even myself, I mean,
in pursuit of l'amore, I have,
I've passed myself
off as a polo player,
international
jewel thief, jet pilot,
and my favorite, and the
one that always works,
governor of Utah.
(doorbell rings)
- That's Mark.
- Well, that proves
he's not a doctor.
If he makes house
calls, he ain't no doctor.
- [Ann] Hi.
- Hi, Ann.
- Who's the Brown Bomber?
- Joe Louis.
- Galloping Ghost.
- Red Grange.
- Yankee Clipper.
- Joe Dimaggio.
- The Slippery Wombat.
- Who?
(laughs)
- He don't know the
Slippery Wombat.
So, little Freddie Mehlman.
- Mehlman?
- Yeah, second base
from Bad News Bears.
- Well, you know, I
never saw the movie.
- And you call
yourself a sports writer.
Kid hit over 300 in two
consecutive movies.
Get out of the way.
(laughs)
- What was that?
- That was Schneider.
- Oh, the snoopy super.
- Yeah, well he
comes with the territory.
If you hang around
here, you get used to him.
- Well then I guess I'll
have to get used to him.
- Well, we're, bye.
- See you.
Have a good time.
- Oh, we will.
- We know.
- Great kids.
(laughs)
- Yeah, I guess I'll keep them.
- Well listen, I
have a lot of time
before we have to
get to the restaurant.
What do you feel like doing?
- I don't know, Marty,
what do you feel like doing?
- We could fly to Rome.
- Come on, can't you
think of something unusual?
- Okay, let's sit down and talk.
- Okay.
(cracks knuckles)
Would you like some wine?
- Only if you let me pour.
It'll give me something
to do with my hands.
- I'm glad to see
men get nervous too.
- We're only human.
- I've heard that somewhere.
I'll get the wine.
For you, sir.
Imported.
- Hey, you could've
had me for domestic.
- Easy, huh?
- Seems that way.
- Thank you.
- To you.
- To you.
(stammers)
I'm starved.
- [Mark] So am I.
- Listen, shouldn't we be,
shouldn't we be
going out to dinner?
- I suppose so.
- That's a great
outburst of disinterest.
- Well you know, a
restaurant like the River House
is such a hassle.
The parking attendants
sneer at American cars.
Maitre D makes
you wait at the bar
no matter what
time you get there.
- [Ann] Oh, terrible.
- The waiters are so
arrogant they want to be
tipped in Swiss francs.
- Why did you
suggest we go there?
- Love their chili dogs.
(laughs)
You want to go out?
- Not necessarily.
- Should I call and
cancel the reservation?
- Why bother after the
way they treated us?
- Oh, Ann.
If I don't leave here right now,
I'll be here until morning.
- I like the way you type.
- I like the way
you pour coffee.
- We're both very talented.
- A perfect match.
- Perfect.
(moans)
- Oh now look what
you made me do.
In the fourth quarter,
Johnson drew his sixth foul
for breathing in Bailey's ear.
(laughs)
- Oh, Mark.
Did you ever notice
how being in love
makes you feel smug?
- Are we in love?
- I can only speak for myself.
- The feeling is very mutual.
Oh, Ann.
Last night was really special.
- Oh, yes it was.
Especially watching
the Pacer game.
- I'm sorry, but
I had to cover it,
either here or go to Chicago.
- For me, it was the most
exciting game of the year.
- Aww.
Hey, where you going?
- Kitchen, I'll be right back.
I'm back.
- Oh god, I've missed you.
(laughs)
- I hate long separations.
- Never again.
(moaning)
Oh I'm late, I got to go.
- No, stay.
- No no no, I got to get this
column down to the paper.
If not, I'll be
writing obituaries,
starting with my own.
- Then you'd better go.
- Let's keep in touch.
- Constantly.
- Forever.
- Goodbye.
(moans)
(groans)
- I trust I am not
interrupting anything
of a personal nature.
- Why, would it matter?
- Sorry to run, but I
got to file this story.
Bye, Ann.
- Bye.
- Say Hey Kid.
- [Mark] Truman Capote.
- So.
He was here doing a
story for the paper, huh?
- Not that it's any
of your business,
but it happens to be true.
- Yeah well, what
was his story about?
- Last night's action.
(groans)
It was fantastic, Schneider.
Perfect match up, it
even went into overtime.
I'm talking about
the Pacer game.
- I know what you're
talking about, Ms. Romano.
You don't have to
explain nothing to me.
- Good.
- I mean, it's your affair.
- So to speak.
- Ain't none of my business.
- Right.
- Look.
Yesterday afternoon,
I was in that bar
which is right across
the street, you know,
from The Chronicle.
- Where Mark works.
- Right, all the
reporters hang out there.
- Like in Lou Grant.
- Right yeah, Lou Grant.
Anyway, I met this
guy and he knows
your friend, the sports writer.
And I found out that
that's not all he is.
- Oh come on, Schneider,
I know what Mark is.
- No you don't, he's married.
- [Narrator] To be
continued next week.
(clapping)
(upbeat jingle)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it's all
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Ankle looks great, Mark.
Now you can do
anything you want.
Except maybe jump
off a five story building.
- Listen, I better call
my paper and explain
that my doctor was on
schedule an hour behind.
- Use my phone.
- [Mark] Oh thanks.
- I've got another patient
to see down the hall.
Take care, Mark.
- See you, Sid.
- Hi.
Hi Doctor, sorry to
be late, especially
for my first appointment.
But actually, it worked
out fine because
your nurse said you're
running an hour behind.
What happened, see, is
I was stuck with a client
who wouldn't stop talking,
you know how men are.
Here.
- No, I'm afraid...
- I'm sorry, did you
want me to wait outside?
The nurse told me to come...
- Oh no, no, no, no.
It's just that...
- Here, here's my form.
- I'm sorry, I can't...
- Can't you read my writing?
I was in a hurry,
see, and that's why...
- No no, I can read it.
No no, it's lovely handwriting.
Romano, Ann.
Age 36.
Divorced, two children.
Very interesting.
- From time to time.
Look Doctor, I'm sorry,
but I am in a hurry...
- Oh of course, of course.
- Thank you.
- Let's see, uh huh.
Usual childhood diseases.
Good, you got
them out of the way.
Oh.
Uh huh.
Uh huh huh huh huh.
Well, what seems
to be the problem?
- The pain in my left shoulder.
- Oh, that's a shame.
How long have you had this pain?
- About a week.
- Since your last
tennis game, I'll bet.
You know, a lot of
injuries are caused
by not playing tennis.
- I don't play tennis.
- Do you like to go dancing?
- Yeah, why?
- Well maybe if you
do an energetic hustle
you could have
dislocated your shoulder.
- When I do the hustle, that's
not where I put my energy.
- Right.
You don't lift weights, do you?
- Doctor, what is
this, 20 questions?
Forgive me, but I
am kind of in a rush.
I have to get
back to the office.
- I'm just trying to arrive
at an accurate diagnosis.
- Well, perhaps it might
help if you gave me an exam.
- What a good idea.
Yes.
Did you say something?
- No.
- Oh.
You know what?
- What?
- I hear your heart beating.
- Isn't that normal?
- Oh.
Of course it's normal.
Heart beating is
definitely normal.
Certainly preferred.
So, listen, have you
ever had this pain before?
- Well yes, as a matter of
fact, I did a few years ago.
- Well, you've got it again.
It's an old joke, very old joke.
- Mark, I'm glad I caught you.
Listen old buddy,
how chance is getting
a couple more tickets for
the Pacer game tomorrow?
- You got them, Doc.
- Thanks.
Hi, I'll be right with you.
- I never said I was a doctor.
- You didn't say you weren't.
And you even looked at my card.
And you put that
stethoscope on my, oh.
- I'm sorry.
You just rushed in and...
- You ought to be
sued for malpractice.
- I can't, remember,
I'm not a doctor.
(groans)
But I was a pre-med though.
(groans)
You've got a lovely heartbeat.
(screams)
- Mom, how'd you do it?
I mean, you meet a
guy in a doctor's office,
and the next thing you know,
you got him sending you roses.
- He must like your X-rays.
- I wish he'd stop bothering me.
You know, he even called
me at the office yesterday.
- Aha, you gave him your number.
- No, I didn't give
him my number.
He saw it on my records.
That man knows me intimately.
- And he still likes you, wow.
- You know, I think
sports writers must think
they're a barrel of laughs.
- He's a sports writer?
- How'd you find that out?
- I just sort of looked him up.
- I've never met a
real live sports writer.
- If he doesn't
stop bothering me,
he's not gonna be live for long.
- Come on, Ma.
He was just having fun.
- Yeah, now what
did he do, really?
- He listened to my
heartbeat without a license.
(phone rings)
- Hello?
Just a minute.
Ma, it's him.
- Who?
- Mark Harrison, Mr. Rose Bud.
- Tell him I went to Nicaragua.
- My mother told
me to tell you that
she went to Nicaragua.
- Julie.
- He says he'll hold
on until you get back.
- Come on, Mom,
give him a chance.
- He's just gonna keep
calling until you talk to him.
- Okay, okay, I'll talk to him.
But I'm gonna be tough.
Hello Mr. Harrison, listen, I,
yes, I had a very nice trip.
Yes, I do appreciate
America more.
Look, Mr. Harrison, I
accept your apology, okay?
So could we just leave it?
Yeah, the roses
are very beautiful.
Thank you.
(laughs)
You made them yourself.
(laughs)
Oh, lunch?
No no no, I don't
think that's a very good,
well, maybe sometime.
Now?
No, I can't now.
I'm in the middle, I'm doing,
under a palm tree?
That's very funny.
There are no palm
trees in Indianapolis.
He says he's gonna dig one up.
(laughs)
Well okay, all right, do
you know where I live?
- Is the Pope Polish?
- All right then, I'll
see you later, bye.
- Good going, Ma.
- Yeah boy, that's
what I call tough.
- Well, I figured under
the circumstances.
I mean, you know, the
flowers and everything.
I felt I should extend
myself because...
- Because you like him.
- No, I don't like him.
I was just being polite.
(doorbell rings)
- Greetings and salutations.
Love buds, huh?
- They're from
Mom's secret admirer.
- Yeah, the doctor.
- No Schneider,
he's not a doctor.
- Tell me about it.
Any man who would
abuse the privilege
of the doctor patient
relationship ought to
have his license rebuked.
I mean, this guy's
got to be a weirdo.
He sees women all day long.
What's so special about you?
No no no, I mean,
you're special.
You've got a nice figure too.
- Schneider, can we
drop the subject please?
Thank you.
- Schneider, aren't
you ever gonna
introduce us to your friend?
- Oh yeah, sure.
This is for you, Ms. Romano.
Came by special
messenger, although I'll
never understand why
somebody would send
something like this
to a grown woman.
- Open the card.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay, got it.
I know that elephants
never forget,
but couldn't you?
- But couldn't you?
- Mark Harrison,
M.D.
- M.D.
Really it should be M.Q.
Medical quack.
- Well, I think the
elephant's cute.
- He's adorable.
Don't you love him, Ma?
- He's okay.
Schneider, thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
But before I go,
just let me say,
because all you
women don't ever forget
the great lessons we
learn from ancient history.
Beware of Hungarians
bearing gifts.
- Schneider, you mean Greeks.
- Greeks, Hungarians,
any of those countries
where the men dance
together, you know what I mean?
- Just think, Mom.
Your first elephant.
- It's silly.
- Personally, I think it's
time you got a little silly.
- Yeah, keeps you young.
- Thanks.
Look girls, can we just cool
it with this whole thing, huh?
I mean, he and I have
nothing in common, right?
He's a sports
writer, I hate sports.
It just wouldn't work.
- Is he cute?
- Well, he's, I don't
know, sort of in a, yeah.
(doorbell rings)
- Hi.
- That was very quick.
You must have been
around the corner.
- Practically.
- On a scale of one to 10?
- 11.
- Come on in.
Mark Harrison, I'd like you
to meet my two daughters,
Julie and Barbara.
- Oh, you girls
look far too mature
to have such a young mom.
- That's killing three
birds with one stone.
Pleased to meet you.
- Very pleased.
- Well.
Where are we gonna go for lunch?
- Well, I thought
we could eat here.
- Oh no, I'm sorry,
did I miss something?
I don't have anything
in the refrigerator.
- No no no no.
Relax, relax, relax, relax.
In here.
(upbeat jingle)
- Oh, I don't, this isn't right.
I mean, I don't think,
this isn't very funny.
Well, that's funny.
- You forgive me?
- She does.
- And she apologizes
for her rude behavior.
- Well good.
Let's eat.
Say, why don't you two join us?
Chinese dinners for
two are almost always
enough for four.
- We'd love to, thank you.
- Sure.
- Good, let's eat.
- Here's fine I guess.
- Cool.
- Yeah, you bet, great.
- Well, this was a
surprise, I'll tell you that.
I tell you.
- Oh, what is this?
- Oh wait, you wrap it in.
- Chicken.
- Boy, now this, this is class.
- Not that we're
impressed or anything here.
- Oh right, we do
this all the time.
- Not me, usually
it's hot dogs and beer
in the press box.
- Hey, that sounds like fun.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
- Well listen, I'm covering
the Pacer game Friday night.
I don't suppose you'd like to...
- Oh, I'd love to.
Football's my favorite.
- Basketball.
- That too.
- You know, I usually feel
guilty about leaving Mom alone.
But with Mark here,
I don't even think
she'll notice we're gone.
- Mom who?
- You know, the woman
that used to live here?
- Oh, that Mom.
Haven't seen much of her lately.
- Do you think, you know,
this could be the guy?
- Come on, Barbara,
they've only been
seeing each other
a couple of days.
- Five days to be exact.
Five days, four
lunches, two dinners,
two basketball games, one
hockey game, and 12 hot dogs.
- Well, maybe Mark is the guy.
- I just want Mom to be happy.
I don't know, settle down.
Get married, have a good life.
- You sound like
a Jewish daughter.
- Hi.
- You know, she looks familiar
but I can't place the face.
- That's the mom I
was talking about.
- Oh, of course.
- Are you girls
making fun of me?
- Uh uh, we're glad
you're having a good time.
- I really am.
- How good?
(chuckles)
- Mom you know Barbara,
she's just nosy by nature.
So what is it with you
and Mark anyway?
- We just want to know
which way the wind is blowing.
- Yeah, we don't want
the whole weather report.
- Just the long range forecast.
- Okay.
Mark is, could be,
somebody important.
He's different.
He's got substance.
He's funny and he's smart
and he's got one
other quality that I find
particularly endearing.
- What's that?
- He likes me.
- Well, the man's
got great taste.
- Thank you.
- I have one question, Mom.
- Yeah?
- Is it safe to leave
you alone with this guy?
- Of course not.
- Now that is a relief.
- So you really like him.
- I think he's fabulous.
- Yeah, that's what
they all tell me.
Well, I got your skis
down there in the lobby.
- You know Schneider, whenever
we need a man, there you are.
(chuckles)
- Well I guess that's why
I was put on this Earth,
to help the weak and the meek.
You know, looking at your
skis kind of reminds me.
When I was a young
guy, I came that close
to becoming a
professional ski jumper.
- What stopped you?
- Fear of death.
You know, those were
the days, huh Ms. Romano?
Belly whopping, snowball
fights, building snowmen.
(laughs)
- We're ready, Schneider.
- Bye girls, see
you tomorrow night.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Mama.
- So you gonna leave
your mom alone tonight
with Sabu the Elephant Boy, huh?
- They're ready, Schneider.
- Yeah, well I got
some news for you.
He ain't no M.D.
I let my fingers do the
walking and there was
no Mark Harrison, M.D. listed.
- I know, Schneider.
I told you that.
Mark is not a doctor.
He's a sports writer.
- Is that what he told you?
(laughs)
And you believed him?
(laughs)
- Schneider, it
happens to be true.
- Oh, Ms. Romano, such naivete.
You've got to take
it from an expert.
When a guy is on the
make, he'll lie about anything
from his income to his output.
- Really?
- Of course.
I mean, even myself, I mean,
in pursuit of l'amore, I have,
I've passed myself
off as a polo player,
international
jewel thief, jet pilot,
and my favorite, and the
one that always works,
governor of Utah.
(doorbell rings)
- That's Mark.
- Well, that proves
he's not a doctor.
If he makes house
calls, he ain't no doctor.
- [Ann] Hi.
- Hi, Ann.
- Who's the Brown Bomber?
- Joe Louis.
- Galloping Ghost.
- Red Grange.
- Yankee Clipper.
- Joe Dimaggio.
- The Slippery Wombat.
- Who?
(laughs)
- He don't know the
Slippery Wombat.
So, little Freddie Mehlman.
- Mehlman?
- Yeah, second base
from Bad News Bears.
- Well, you know, I
never saw the movie.
- And you call
yourself a sports writer.
Kid hit over 300 in two
consecutive movies.
Get out of the way.
(laughs)
- What was that?
- That was Schneider.
- Oh, the snoopy super.
- Yeah, well he
comes with the territory.
If you hang around
here, you get used to him.
- Well then I guess I'll
have to get used to him.
- Well, we're, bye.
- See you.
Have a good time.
- Oh, we will.
- We know.
- Great kids.
(laughs)
- Yeah, I guess I'll keep them.
- Well listen, I
have a lot of time
before we have to
get to the restaurant.
What do you feel like doing?
- I don't know, Marty,
what do you feel like doing?
- We could fly to Rome.
- Come on, can't you
think of something unusual?
- Okay, let's sit down and talk.
- Okay.
(cracks knuckles)
Would you like some wine?
- Only if you let me pour.
It'll give me something
to do with my hands.
- I'm glad to see
men get nervous too.
- We're only human.
- I've heard that somewhere.
I'll get the wine.
For you, sir.
Imported.
- Hey, you could've
had me for domestic.
- Easy, huh?
- Seems that way.
- Thank you.
- To you.
- To you.
(stammers)
I'm starved.
- [Mark] So am I.
- Listen, shouldn't we be,
shouldn't we be
going out to dinner?
- I suppose so.
- That's a great
outburst of disinterest.
- Well you know, a
restaurant like the River House
is such a hassle.
The parking attendants
sneer at American cars.
Maitre D makes
you wait at the bar
no matter what
time you get there.
- [Ann] Oh, terrible.
- The waiters are so
arrogant they want to be
tipped in Swiss francs.
- Why did you
suggest we go there?
- Love their chili dogs.
(laughs)
You want to go out?
- Not necessarily.
- Should I call and
cancel the reservation?
- Why bother after the
way they treated us?
- Oh, Ann.
If I don't leave here right now,
I'll be here until morning.
- I like the way you type.
- I like the way
you pour coffee.
- We're both very talented.
- A perfect match.
- Perfect.
(moans)
- Oh now look what
you made me do.
In the fourth quarter,
Johnson drew his sixth foul
for breathing in Bailey's ear.
(laughs)
- Oh, Mark.
Did you ever notice
how being in love
makes you feel smug?
- Are we in love?
- I can only speak for myself.
- The feeling is very mutual.
Oh, Ann.
Last night was really special.
- Oh, yes it was.
Especially watching
the Pacer game.
- I'm sorry, but
I had to cover it,
either here or go to Chicago.
- For me, it was the most
exciting game of the year.
- Aww.
Hey, where you going?
- Kitchen, I'll be right back.
I'm back.
- Oh god, I've missed you.
(laughs)
- I hate long separations.
- Never again.
(moaning)
Oh I'm late, I got to go.
- No, stay.
- No no no, I got to get this
column down to the paper.
If not, I'll be
writing obituaries,
starting with my own.
- Then you'd better go.
- Let's keep in touch.
- Constantly.
- Forever.
- Goodbye.
(moans)
(groans)
- I trust I am not
interrupting anything
of a personal nature.
- Why, would it matter?
- Sorry to run, but I
got to file this story.
Bye, Ann.
- Bye.
- Say Hey Kid.
- [Mark] Truman Capote.
- So.
He was here doing a
story for the paper, huh?
- Not that it's any
of your business,
but it happens to be true.
- Yeah well, what
was his story about?
- Last night's action.
(groans)
It was fantastic, Schneider.
Perfect match up, it
even went into overtime.
I'm talking about
the Pacer game.
- I know what you're
talking about, Ms. Romano.
You don't have to
explain nothing to me.
- Good.
- I mean, it's your affair.
- So to speak.
- Ain't none of my business.
- Right.
- Look.
Yesterday afternoon,
I was in that bar
which is right across
the street, you know,
from The Chronicle.
- Where Mark works.
- Right, all the
reporters hang out there.
- Like in Lou Grant.
- Right yeah, Lou Grant.
Anyway, I met this
guy and he knows
your friend, the sports writer.
And I found out that
that's not all he is.
- Oh come on, Schneider,
I know what Mark is.
- No you don't, he's married.
- [Narrator] To be
continued next week.
(clapping)
(upbeat jingle)