One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 4, Episode 12 - Hold the Mustard - full transcript

Barbara's new restaurant job is moving faster than expected.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ And keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none
we'll just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da da da da

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da da da da

♪ One day at a time

- Hi!

- Oh, oh, can I
have $600, hi mom!

(audience laughs)

I mean, hi mom,
could I have $600?

- No.

I mean, hi Barb! No.

- Oh, mom, come on you know
I've been saving up for a car

and I saw this beautiful one
today that I'm dying to get.

- Oh, darling, I wouldn't
go so far as dying.

Why don't you just grit
your teeth and suffer.

- Mom, it wouldn't be as if
you're giving me the money.

I would just be an advance
against my paycheck.

- You got a job?

- Well yeah, almost.

- But not quite.

- Oh, I see.

She wants a $600 advance
against almost but not quite.

Have you ever thought
about going into politics?

(audience laughs)

- I'm gonna get a
job at Quickie Burger.

I've got an in, Bob Morton has
been made assistant manager.

- Hey, good for Bob.

- Yeah, so I
asked him for a job.

- And he said no.

- He did not.

He said that there are a
number of applicants ahead of me

and some of them
have experience.

That's certainly not a no.

- You're perfect for politics.

- Mom, come on, I
invited Bob over here today

and if we can just sit
down and talk about it.

(gasps) Oh no, my cookies!

- She made some
chocolate chip cookies.

- Chocolate chip cookies.

Tell me, aren't
they Bob's favorite?

- Why I do believe they are.


- Come on you guys,
what are friends for

if you can't please them?

- Darling, I think you
oughta skip politics

and go straight into corruption.

(door bell rings)

- I'll get it.

- Hi, Julie.

- Hello, Daniel.

Welcome to the lion's den.

- I'm Bob.

(audience laughs)

Hi, Ms. Romano.

- Hello, Bob, congratulations
for being made assistant

manager at Quickie Burger!

- I got lucky, the guy who
was assistant manager

got caught eating a Big Mac.

(audience laughs)

- Bob, you deserve
the job and you know it.

You want some cookies,
they're chocolate chip.

- My favorite!

- Yeah, well help yourself.

- Nah, I'd better not.

I figured she got me
over here to work on me.

- (laughs) No comment.

- All right, all
right, I'm sorry.

It is unfair.

Bob, you don't have
to feel obligated.

I'm just happy that
you made manager.

- Assistant manager.

- Well, it's just
a matter of time

with your drive and personality.

(Ann sighs)

- What's the matter?

- Well you need to shave.

- Really? It's only Monday.

(audience laughs)

- I can't watch this,
let's go start dinner.

- Yeah.

- Bob, I know it's not
right to hire a friend,

a dear, close, broke friend.

- Barbara, I can hire
anybody I want to.

- Julie, what's for dinner?

- Sacrificial lamb.

(Ann clicks tongue)

- Barbara, do you
really want this job?

- Oh, yes Bob!

- Well, a lot of the other
kids have more experience.

- No, I have experience.

I've baby sat, and I've taught
macrame at the playground.

I ran the dart game at the fair.

- Gee, I don't know.

- Please, Bob?

- Pretty please
with sugar on it?

- Bob, I really
do need this job.

I'm saving for a car.

- All right, what the heck.

If you want it, you got it.

- Really?! Oh Bob thank you.

- Report at 3:30
tomorrow afternoon.

Here's your uniform.

(audience laughs and applauds)

- You brought it with you?

- Sure, I already told the
manager I was hiring you.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- And miss being worked on?

(audience laughs)

Hold it Sally.

You put two pickles on that

when the rules say
only one to a bun.

- Sorry, I lost my mind.

- I filled...
- Watch it.

- Oh, yeah.

I filled out all the forms.

- Move huh?

- Okay.

- Did you read the
instruction manual?

- Yeah.

- Beep, beep.

- Oh, sorry.

- Barbara, you're
in the traffic flow.

Norman, take over the grill.

- Sorry, I'm just
a little nervous.

- Well don't worry
you'll catch on.

Now the first few days we
have our familiarization program.

That's where new employees go

from post to post
observing operation.

- Okay.

- Here.

- A mop?

- Well as long as you're
going from post to post,

you might as well
be doin' something'.

- Well, but Bob, I thought I
was gonna be on the counter.

- Mop, and if you do a good job,

I'll move ya up to
wiping the tables.

- But, Bob.

- Oh, and remember our motto.

A Quickie Burger is a
happy burger, so smile.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, Barb.

- Hiya, John.

- When'd you start
working for roach burger?

- Oh, uh, I just started.

Hey did you hear about Kathy
and Scott up at lookout point?

- No what happened?

- Nothing, it's the talk
of the school. (laughs)

(clears throat) Duty calls.

- Barbara, this
isn't a social hour.

- The manual
says to be friendly.

- Condition red, condition red!

- Get busy!

- What's that mean?

- The manager's coming.

- (gasps) Oh!

(audience laughs)

I'm new.

- So are my shoes.


- Mr. Olsen, this is...

- Carbara Booper sir!

- (laughs) She means
Barbara Pooper.

- Cooper!
- Cooper.

- Cooper.

- This is the wonder
woman you hired because

Quickie Burger can't
get along without her?

- No, sir. I mean yes, sir.

I mean, she's really
very efficient, sir.

- Then why is she hiding it?

- Well don't worry, sir.

She'll shape up.

- I hope so, for your sake.

- Yes, sir.

- One tip, Morton.

A successful executive
never lets himself be pressured

into hiring
relatives or friends.

- Right, sir.

- Goodnight, everybody!

- Goodnight, dad.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Bob, I'm really sorry.

- Oh listen, forget the mopping.

Sally, you're on the grill.

I'm promoting you
to bun preparation.

- Oh, kicked upstairs, huh?

- Barbara, this is
serious, seconds count.

You need both
accuracy and speed.

Now, first we make sure
our bottoms are lined up.

(audience laughs)


- Sorry, I was just being cute.

- All right, you line
up our bottom halves.

Then you take the
plopper in your right hand,

leaving your left hand free
for the pickles and the lettuce.

Now just remember the three
Ps, my own little memory system.

(audience laughs)

Plop of sauce, a pickle,
and a plunk of lettuce.

Plop, pickle, plunk, got it?

- Got it.

Hey Burger King, the
secret of Quickie Burger

is plop, pickle, plunk.

- Barbara.

- Sorry, don't you
have a sense of humor?

Okay plop, pickle, plunk.

Plop, pickle, plunk.

Plop, pickle, plunk.

- Hold it, that's
just the sequence.

Now for speed
you do all the plops,

then all the pickles
and all the plunks.

So it goes plop plop plop,

pickle pickle pickle,
plunk plunk plunk.

- Got it.

Plop plop plop.

Pickle pickle pickle.

Plunk plunk plunk.

Plop plop plop.

Pickle pickle pickle.

Plunk plunk.

Plop plop...

- Hold it, you left out a plunk.

- I'll plunk it, I'll plunk it.

- That's too much!

Lettuce is expensive.

- Well, sorry sir!

I thought it was gonna
be fun working here.

- Barbara I gotta
follow the rules,

and the first rule is to do it
the way Quickie wants it done

and that includes you.

- All right, all right,
I will do it right.

Plop plop plop.

- Bob, a couple of kids
had a ketchup fight out front.

- Plop plop plop.

Pickle pickle pickle.

Mop mop mop.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, ooh, ooh, oh
this is so wonderful.

I'll bet sex isn't
any better than this.

(audience laughs)

- Well.

- Really?!

Ooh ooh my foot, yeah, ooh.

- Oh, poor baby.

You're first day on the job.

- Hey it's not funny.

There was a ketchup
fight, I burnt my finger,

and how would you like to
clean up after some sick kid?

- Me, well let's see.

There was the time that you
sampled Uncle Charlie's cigar,

and there was the time
that you ate the caterpillar.

(audience groans)

- Julie told me it was
a fuzzy Tootsie Roll.

(audience laughs)

- I did not!

Boy, were you dumb.

(Barbara laughs)

- [Barbara] Oh yeah.

- Oh, hold it, hold it, hold on.

You got a license to
run a massage parlor?

- Hello, Schneider.

- How are ya, Ms. Romano?

Oh, boy, does she look beat.

So, tell me, how'd
the first day go?

- Don't ask.

- That rough, huh?

- That rough, huh.

- (laughs) Well I know
what you're talkin' about.

I remember when I
got my first real job.

I was two years old.

- Two?

- Yeah, I was a
model in a diaper ad.

- I didn't know you
were a famous baby.

- Well, half famous.

My face was never in the ad.


You know I tell ya
that picture got me

in a little trouble
over at the lodge.

See I entered the
annual guess the baby

picture contest, right?

And three members of the
ladies auxiliary recognized me

because I got a mole back...
- Ah, ah!

(audience laughs)

Thank you for the information.

- So, it really was
a hard day, huh?

- Well, no, it wasn't
that hard, just menial.

I spent half my day mopping.

They could've hired
a monkey to do that.

(audience laughs)

- Monkey?

- Oh, Schneider I'm sorry.

I know you mop.

I mean, you're a real pro,

but it just wasn't
any fun for me.

I didn't have
anybody to talk to.

- It's not supposed
to be the social hour.

- You sound just like Bob.

- Mop is a science.

Gotta pace your strokes.

Gotta watch out for streaks.

- Hey, come on, don't blame Bob.

He was just being conscientious.

- Conscientious? He's a tyrant.

He was bossing
me all over the place.

- Tough part is getting the
mop into the corner there

without slopping the walls.

I'd like to see a
monkey do that.

- Schneider, come
on, I said I was sorry.

I didn't mean to
hurt your feelings.

- Hey, you're not
hurting my feelings.

I learned my
moppin' in the Navy.

I've swabbed decks
all over the world.

Hurricanes, tycoons,
never lost a bucket.

- Schneider, I said I was sorry.

- You show a monkey a mop,

he'd probably think
it's spaghetti on a stick.

- I was not comparing
you to a monkey.

- Why not?

(audience laughs)

I mean, I'd make a good monkey.

My father used to
always say to me,

"Schneider, you little monkey."

(audience laughs)

- (laughing) Stop.

- Come on, come on you
big baboon you let's go!

(audience laughs and applauds)

Thank you. (laughing)

There you go, catch, oh!

So, darling, when's
your next shift?

- Thursday night
if my feet survive.

- Barbara, I don't
think it's your feet.

I think you're allergic to work.

- Hey, come on, that's not fair.

I like to work.

I just don't like
being bossed around.

- Aw, you poor thing.

Gee I know how tough it is.

Stretching your wings,
finding your independence,

and then when everything
is going your way

fate strikes you
down with a job.

- Message received.

- [Ann] Good.

- You are looking at
the most conscientious

plop pickle plunker
Quickie ever had.

(phone rings)


Hi, Karen!

Yeah, today was my first day.

Mm, it was kinda fun.

(gasps) Oh really?


Yeah, of course I'll be there.

Okay, thanks for
calling me, buh-bye.

Karen's having a party for
the seniors next Thursday night.

- Julie, tell me something.

Did she forget anything?

- Oh, mom, I wouldn't worry.

It'll come to her conscientious

pickle plunking
mind any minute now.

- My job!

(audience laughs)

Well, maybe I can get
somebody to fill in for me.

- Oh, Barbara.

- Well, mom.

This is my senior year.

This may be the last time
we'll ever see each other again,

our goodbye party.

- Honey, you don't
graduate for four months.

- Well, it's the first
of the last parties.

- Or the last of the first jobs.

- No, see, darling.

I'm not gonna make
a decision for you.

You are a grown up, intelligent
self sufficient human being.

I mean, I am not the
kind of mother to interfere.

Phone Karen back.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, could I speak to Karen?

Oh, hi Bob. (laughs)

I must have called the
wrong number, imagine that.

- Imagine that.

- Uh, oh Bob, don't hang up.

As long as I've got
you, Karen just called me

and she's having
this fabulous party.

Anybody who is anybody
is gonna be there.

Oh, well maybe she
hasn't called you yet.

Well, anyway, it's Thursday
night, and I imagine

it's pretty slow Thursday
nights at work and...

Well I know Bob.

I know it's lonely
at the top, but Bob.


All right, all
right, I'll be there.

(slams receiver)

Until I can figure
a way out of it.

(audience applauds)

- Barbara, I hate to say this,

but you put too
many fries in that bag.

- So dock me.

- But Barbara, an extra ounce
to every customer adds up.

- Okay, Bob, I'll
weigh every fry.

- You hate me, don't you.

- No, Bob. I don't hate you.

You're just doing your job.

Besides, I have plenty of
time to weigh all the fries.

There are so few
customers tonight.

- Well last Thursday
night we were swamped.

Bus load of people
coming back from a fat farm

broke down out front.

Boy it was like
D-Day at Normandy.

- Bob, it's okay.

I've completely forgotten
about Karen's party.

Doesn't even start
for 23 minutes yet.

- You do hate me.

(sighs) You know you're
right, we really aren't

very busy tonight.

Seems a shame for you to
stand around and do nothing.

I'll tell you what, I shouldn't
do this because you're

so new but if you promise
not to tell Mr. Olsen...

- Oh, Bob!

- I'll teach you
how to run the grill.

- Bob.

- Oh, you thought I was
gonna let you go to the party.

- Well, no.

Yeah, for a minute.

Oh, look, it doesn't matter.

You're the boss, you have
the right to be unreasonable.

- I've been drunk with power.

(audience laughs)

- Bob, you're a very nice
person and I've just been

trying to take
advantage of that.

- We really aren't very busy.

- Bob, please.

It's not as if I won't
see everybody again.

They have a class
reunion every 25 years.

- Go to the party.

- No, no...
- Please go.

- No I couldn't.

- Go, that's an order.

- Okay, if you insist.

Bye Norman!

- Bye.

- She's so sweet.

- Boy are you a patsy.

- How'd you like to get fired?

- You can't fire me.

I've got seniority.

I've been here 11 days.

- Hi, Bob!

- Hi Bob, hi Norman.

- Hi Ms. Romano, hi Julie.

- We heard that you have
a fantastic new worker here.

She's supposed to
be an exceptional girl.

We want to see how she's doin'.

- Oh, well you just missed her.

I let her go to the party.

- Oh Bob, you
shouldn't have done that.

- Boy, is he a patsy.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

- Wait a minute,
where are you going?

- Well, my shift's over.

Well look, I'll
stay if you wanna

be best man at my
brother's wedding.

- See ya, Norm.

- Hi, guys! Mare.

(audience laughs)

- Hello, Schneider,
what are you doing here?

- Well, I thought I'd
give Barbara a little boost

with management, they're
having a little beer bust

over at the lodge
tonight so in the name of

Miss Barbara Cooper, I hereby
order 212 Quickie Burgers.

- 212?

- Um, Schneider, look...

- Yes, 212 Quickie Burgers,
119 fries, 62 fudge brownies,

31 root beers and 19 chocolate...
- Shakes.

- Shakes, thank you, yes.

- 212?

(audience laughs)

- And snap it up 'cause
I don't want to be late.

They've already
unbunged the beer.

The beer is unbunged.

- 212?

- Bob, 212!

What's the matter with this guy?

- Well Mr. Schneider, I'm not
sure I can handle the order.

- What?

But you gotta handle it.

I mean, you get 200
lodge brothers drinkin' beer

without any food you're
gonna get your cryin' jags,

your black eyes, some of the

worst quartets
you've ever heard!

- Um, Schneider, wait a minute.

- And then comes your
sirens and your paddy wagons

and your bail bonds
and your hangovers

and then your marital
fights and your separations...

- Schneider!

What I'm trying to say
here is that Barbara is gone.

Bob doesn't have any help.

- Sure he does, mom, two of us.

- Make that the three of us.

(audience applauds)

- 212?

(audience laughs)

- 101.

- Plop, pickle.

- 102.

- Plop, pickle, plunk.

- 103.

- Only 109 to go.

- Don't confuse me!

- [Ann] Plop, pickle, plunk.

- Come on, Ms. Romano,
I got patties backin' up!

Get your buns movin'.

(audience laughs)

- I am hurrying, I am hurrying.

I'm doing it all right here.

Plunk, plop, plunk, plop.

- Ms. Romano,
you gotta do it right.

- Plop, I am doing it.

I am really, plop plop.

- Excuse me, mom.

- Plop.

- Oh, ma, you
plopped on my shoe!

- Slap it in a bun
and put a pickle on it.

The guys'll eat anything.

- Julie, Julie,
forget the fries.

Put the lids on these shakes.

- Okay.

- Hold it Mr. Schneider.

This burger has two bottoms.

- Imagine that,
a topless burger.

(audience laughs)

- Somewhere in here
there's a burger with two tops!

- Don't worry, Bob, it'll
always be right side up.

- Okay, come on, I
need more buns here.

- I'll go get 'em Ms.
Romano, I'm way ahead of ya.

- [Ann] Okay.

- Julie, keep your
eye on that grill.

- Okay, I've gotta do
everything around here.

First it's the mopping,
then it's the fries,

then it's the shakes,
now it's the grill.

I mean, what, the
fries I forgot the fries!

Oh, no, oh look!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, do you think
they're a tad overdone?

- They're ruined and
you're dripping grease

all over the floor.

- Oh, sorry.

- Oh, I'll get the
mop, I'll get the mop!


All right, here we go.

Excuse me Bob.

- Morton.

- Mr. Olson.

- May I ask you a question.

- Yes, sir.

- What's going on?

- Well some friends of
mine are kinda helping me.

- I see.

May I ask you another question?

- Yes, sir.

- Why are you frying
milkshakes on the grill?

- Oh, milkshakes!

- No, Julie!


(tray thuds)

(audience applauds)

- Morton, may I
see you in my office?

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, uh, excuse me sir.

Hi, Mr.

- Olson.

- Olson, hi.

This isn't Bob's fault.

- Who are you?

- Me, I'm Barbara's mother.

- Barb, oh that one.

Wasn't she supposed
to work tonight?

- Yes, sir, but...

- It's bad enough you hired her,

why did you hire the mother?

- I'm sorry.

- You think Bob's
gonna lose his job?

- Well he ain't in
there gettin' a raise.

This is all my fault.

I should never have brought
that big order over here.

- No, it's not your
fault, Schneider.

It's all Barbara's fault.

- Listen, uh, can't we
reuse some of these?

- Of course not! Throw them out.

Oh, that girl is gonna be
grounded for at least a month.

- Well, let's try and
finish this order.

- Yeah, right, Schneider
could you get some more buns?

- Yeah okay.

- Bob, what happened?

- Hi, Bob.

What are you guys doing here?

- Barbara.

- Bob, you're never gonna
believe what happened.

I mean I really feel stupid.

I got over to Karen's
and nobody was there.

When she said
next Thursday night,

I thought she meant
this Thursday night,

but actually she really did
mean next Thursday night.

What are you guys doing here?

- Barbara.

- Anyway I decided to
come back and help you

because well, maybe I
could have next Thursday off.

I mean I could always
switch with Johnny...

- Barbara, forget it!

You can take advantage
of me in love but not in work.

- Now Barbara I have a
few things to say on this.

- Ms. Romano
I'll do the talking.

- Right.

- Look this job is
very important to me.

It means I can help
pay for my college

and it's Mr. Olson's livelihood.

Working isn't a game,
and if you think it is

then you don't belong here.

- Bob, what's the matter?

What happened?

You said I could
go to the party.

- I know, that was my mistake.

But your whole
attitude is your mistake.

If you wanna work here you
work like the schedule's posted

and that includes
next Thursday night.

Well don't just
stand there, get busy!

- All right, all right!

What are you guys doing here?

- There you go.

- Oh we're just helping
Bob with an order.

- Well, it's okay I'm here
now, I can do everything.

What do we need,
what do we need?

- What do we need,
what do we need?

Let's see, um, 102
more Quickie Burgers.

60 fries, 30 fudge
brownies, 31 root beers,

and 19 chocolate shakes.

- 102?

- Mm.

- Help me, you guys!

(audience laughs and applauds)

(upbeat happy music)

- [Narrator] One Day at a
Time was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.