One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 20 - Take the Money - full transcript

When Julie and Barbara are searching for $200 to buy Schneider's stereo, Julie finds too much money in her checking account and uses it.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead,
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ One Day at a
Time ♪ Da, dada da

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ One Day at a
Time ♪ Da, dada da

♪ One Day at a Time

- Julie, do you have to work
on your fashion sketches

at the breakfast table?

- No, but it helps me
forget Barbara's cooking.

- Well, I gotta
get to the office.

Mr. Davenport is
always 10 minutes late,

so I can only be
five minutes late.

Barbara, there
are two plates here.

- Well, the bottom
one's for dinner.

It's easier to put
out two plates once,

then one plate out twice.

- Barbara, it's too early in
the morning to be clever.

Save that for school, huh?

- Ah, didn't I mention
no school today?

The teachers are
having a meeting.

- Well, lucky you.

Well, girls, is my
lipstick on straight?

- Oh, wait, now it's perfect.

- You're adorable.

- I know.

- Did you hear from
Schneider about the stereo yet?

- No.

- How much is he
gonna want for it?

- Well, twice what it's worth,

so we'll offer him
half of what it's worth,

so we'll get it for
what it's worth.

- Attention, please.

What am I holding in my hand?

- What hand?

- Don't be smart.

- Oh, that's your very
special favorite perfume,

Louie del Mor.

- English translation,
keep your mitts off.

What do you girls
do with this, gargle?

- Well, every once in awhile,
I may have taken a small dab.

- Me, not even
that, a dib, maybe.

- This stuff costs $20 an ounce.

- Believe me,
Mom, it's worth it.

(audience laughing)

Or so Julie tells me.

- Worth it for what?

I mean, the last
time you dabbed...

- Dibbed.

- Dibbed.

- Don't be too hard on her.

- Thank you.

- She had to have
somethin' goin' for her.

- Okay, girls, look, I
want you to put that away.

And I want you to
keep your hands off of it.

I marked the level.

Good bye, loved ones.

- [Both] Good bye,
dearest mother.

(audience laughing)

- Excuse me, Schneider.

- It's okay, I kind of
enjoyed it, quick but nice.

Well, the stereo is ready.

- Great, where is it?
- When can we see it?

- As the English
say, hoff a moe.

- Now, Barbara, don't be
too anxious, just play it cool.

- Right, cool, got it.

- Schneider, it's beautiful!

For its age.

- Schneider, I thought you
were talking about a stereo,

not a Victrola.

- Does it work?

- Does it work, I rebuilt this
thing from the ground up.

Do you realize
what I got in there?

Wait a second, does it work.

We got in here, we got a
12-inch three-way studio monitor.

We got a 12-inch
full-cone bowser woofer,

a six-inch mid-range
preset drive,

a one-inch inverted
dome tweeter,

and a direct span
disconnect to your mid-bass

total range reflexes,
does it work.

(audience laughing)

- Does it work?

- Should.

(audience laughing)

I tell you what, I'll,

I'll give you the
Schneider guarantee.

- What's the
Schneider guarantee?

- The Schneider guarantee is uh,

a year on the woofer and
90 days on the tweeter.

But the guarantee is
null and void if you drop it,

abuse it or play
the Sex Pistols on it.

- Schneider, how much
do you want for this

thing, not that we're
really interested.

- I gotta have... I
gotta have $400.

And believe me, at
four bills, it's a steal.

- Yes, but who is
doing the stealing?

- Come on, will you,
you're lookin' at a genuine,

$800 Subitushi.

(audience laughing)

I mean, when it comes to
good ol' American know-how,

nobody knows more
than the Japanese.

Wait'll you hear this thing.

I mean, you put a
Dolly Parton record on it,

and you'd swear that
Dolly Parton is right here,

in the living room.

Of course, if Dolly
Parton was right in here,

you wouldn't have
any room for the stereo.

(audience laughing)

- We don't have
400, how about 200?

- Deal.

- Really, Schneider?

- Well, of course, you
two don't know anything

about wheeling and dealing.

Now I knew you was gonna
offer me half of what it was worth,

so I asked for twice as
much as it was worth,

knowing I would get half,
or the actual worth of it.

Right, now that's
called horse trading.

- I wonder which end
of the horse we got.

- Don't worry, you
got the end that runs.

(audience laughing)

- There's just one small
problem, we don't have 200.

- Aw, now, come on, will
you, you always do this to me.

I'd like to let you
have it for nothin'.

But I mean, I put a lot of
time and energy and money

and things into that,
I mean, and besides,

I gotta have the $200 for
something very important.

- What?

- It's a household necessity.

- What's that?

- King-sized waterbed.

- That's a necessity?

- In my circles, it is, yes!

Now is it a deal or not?

- Well, why don't you
leave the stereo with us,

and we'll think about it?

- Right, just hold off on
the waterbed for awhile.

We'll get back to you.

- All right, but hurry up.

I'm dyin' to catch
that first wave.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- We have to do this
very business-like.

We need exactly $200.

So you list all of our assets.

- All right.

- And I'll list all
of our liabilities.

- Assets.

- Liabilities.

Okay, $200 for a new stereo.

Eight dollars I owe Mom.

Two dollars to Ted for my
share of the gas Saturday night.

Why aren't you writing
down our assets?

- I did.

- Julie, we have got assets.

Seven dollars I made for
babysitting last weekend.

- Ah, right, and I've got
that $25 in the drawer

that Grandma and Grandpa
gave me for my birthday.

- Great, Marcy owes me five.

- Barbara, the $50 I made for
those last two dresses I sold.

- Perfect.

- Oh, but I spent 38 of it on
new records for the stereo.

- All right, all right, that
still leaves 12 out of that 50.

- Hey, what about Piggy?

- Oh, right, I almost forgot.

- I wonder how
much is in that thing?

- Well, probably not
as much as you think.

- Are you kidding, it
must be loaded with coins.

- Well, there's some
paper in here, too.

- Great, paper
money's even better.

- Not that kind of paper.

- Meaning, what?

- Well, some of 'em
are little notes saying,

dear Piggy, make a note
I borrowed two dollars.

Dear Piggy, I borrowed
50 cents, don't tell Julie.

- You stole from Piggy?

(audience laughing)

- Well, actually, it was
more of a shake-down.

I plan to pay it all back.

- [Julie] How?

- I expect to make
a brilliant marriage.

What about you, you've
got real money in a real bank.

- My checking account, I forgot!

- [Barbara] How much
do you think you have?

- Well, I've got exactly $18.29.

More or less.

Or $29.18.

More or less.

- You mean, you don't know?

Well, call up the
bank and find out.

- I'm afraid to, I
might be overdrawn.

More or less.

- Doesn't the bank ever
mail you statements?

- Yeah, one time they
spent 13 cents on a stamp

just to tell me I had 12 cents.

Hello, this is Julie Cooper,
I'd like to check the balance

in my checking account.

My account number is


He's looking it up.

- I know a perfect way for
us to make a lot of money.

- How?

- We could have a garage sale.

- We don't have a garage.

- Picky, picky.

- Yes?

Could you repeat that?

My balance is $144.80?

This is Julie Cooper, 1222-1200.

You got that.

Well, could you look again?

- You must have
forgotten a lot of deposits.

- Barbara, this is a mistake.

You're positive?


Well, no, actually, I
didn't think it was more.

Thank you.

- Very much!

- Barbara, this is a mistake.

Last time I checked, it
was 20, now it's 144.80?

- Well, naturally,
that's the interest.

(audience laughing)

- In seven weeks?

- Well, Julie, it's compounded
daily, that really mounts up.

- What does compounded
daily mean, exactly?

- Well, it means that,

every day, they compound it.


- It's a nice try, Barbara,
but this is a checking account.

It doesn't even earn interest.

- Well, maybe they
decided to give out cash

instead of cookbooks.

Okay, okay, what's
your explanation?

- The bank made a mistake.

- Don't say that.

- Why not?

- Because it could
cost us about $120.

- Barbara, I want the
stereo as much as you do.

But I'm not gonna take
money that I know isn't mine.

- We don't know it isn't yours.

And there's only
one way to find out.

- How?

- We're gonna go
down to the bank

and close out your account.

- And take the $144?

- And 80 cents, because
Julie, if they did goof,

they're gonna catch it.

And if you goofed,
we get a new stereo.

And when it comes to goofing,
I can bet on you every time.

- Barbara, I don't have
that kind of money.

And I'm not gonna take it.

- You have to, for their sake.

Do you know how
much money it would cost

to straighten out all
their bookkeeping?

Look, they'd have to
hire extra accountants.

(audience applauding)

- Barbara, let's go,
the line's too long.

- It is not, why are
you acting so nervous?

- I'm not acting, I am nervous.

- I'm not.

- It's not your account.

- Why don't we just wait
and see what happens?

- I have to go to the bathroom.

- Julie, wait 'til
we're through.

- It may be too late.

- Next.

- Come on.

Come on!

- [Teller] Good morning.

- Good morning, my
name is Coolie Jooper.

(audience laughing)

I'm Julie Cooper.

- She wants to
close out her account.

- The entire balance?

- Well.

- Yes.

- Any outstanding checks?

- No.

- One moment, please.

- You see, I phoned in to
find out what my balance is.

And it runs out
that my balance is...

- $144.80.

This check is
filled in correctly.

If you just endorse it for me.

- Do I have to?

- [Barbara] Julie.

- How would you like
to have your money?

- Oh, we'd love to
have our money.

- 10s, 20s?

- Just mix 'em
up, it sounds great.

- Now, I think you're
gonna be giving me

about $120 too much.

- Too much?


- Well, maybe your
computer slipped up.

- Are you intimating that
Clara made a mistake?

(audience laughing)

- Who?

- Clara, the computer.

We've worked
together for so long,

I've begun to think
she's almost human.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'll bet she feels
the same way about you.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- It's nothing personal, but
Clara might have goofed.

- I'll check again,
if you insist.

However, I must tell you that
our computers are flawless.

Perfect, it's computers
like Clara that manage to put

our daring astronauts
on the moon.

And by their
magnificent performance,

gave the world a shining
phrase to treasure.

- Do not fold,
spindle, or mutilate.

- One giant step for mankind.

There, once again, Clara
comes up with precisely

the same final balance, $144.80.

- Clara, there's
gotta be a mistake.

- Please!

You are not cleared
to talk to Clara.

(audience laughing)

Clara is not programmed
to respond to you.

There is no mistake,
the money is yours.

Your account and
this incident are closed.


- You see, you must
have made the mistake.

- I hope so.

- Miss Cooper.

- Yes?

- You forgot to have your
parking ticket validated.

- Oh, that's right.

- We took the bus.

- Oh, that's right.

- Look, Julie, are you
satisfied now, let's go.

- Barbara, wait.

- What for, let's
get out of here.

- What?

- I said, let's get out of here.

- Why are you talking so funny?

- Can we just please go, please?

- Barbara, I don't feel
right about leaving.

- Will you stop
looking so guilty?

You're on the bank camera.

(Julie gasps)

(audience laughing)

Now you look real innocent.

Come on, come on.

- Miss?

- [Barbara And Julie] Aagh!

- Have one of our calendars,
compliments of the bank.

(audience laughing)

- Let's get out of here.

- Julie, why don't
you put on a record?

- Somebody might hear it.

Barbara, we took
money that wasn't ours.

- Will you please cool it?

We did not take
money that wasn't ours.

We took money that wasn't yours.

- You just wait a second,
Barbara, you practically

twisted my arm, you're an
accomplice, you're guilty, too.

- Will you please relax?

We're not guilty of anything.

Look, it's not like we went
up and held up a bank.

The man said the
money was yours.

They can't arrest us for that.

(siren wailing)

Julie, what are we gonna do?

- Wait a minute, I thought
you weren't nervous.

- I'm not, I'm not, I'm
just catching it from you.

Look, what we
need is a good laugh.

- Ha ha, ha, ha ha ha.

- What I mean is,

we'll get out some of Mom's
oldies but goodies, okay?

- Yeah, maybe they'll help.

- Look, look look look,
here's Perry Como sings,

I'm Guilty.

(audience laughing)

Actually, I was
thinking of the flip side.

- It's a Sin to Tell a Lie?

You know, Mom is
the perfect mother.

She's not even here, and
she makes you feel guilty.

- Why are we so jumpy?

I mean, the worst
thing that could happen

is the bank'll call up and
say, we made a mistake.

And we'll just say, really?

Well then, we'll
give the money back.

- But we don't have the money.

- Then we'll give
back the calendar.

(telephone ringing)

- Barbara, that's it,
that's the bank, it's over.

- No, no, that's not the bank.

- Then why aren't
you answering it?

- 'Cause you're
the one they want.

- Listen, kid, if I do time,
you're doing it with me.

- There is nothing to
be so worried about.

(speaking in a foreign language)

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Okay, Barbara, I
know what I have to do.

If I have to work
the rest of my life,

I'm gonna pay it
back, every cent.

(doorbell ringing) (knocking)

It's too late.

- No, no, maybe that's
just a very angry Avon lady.

Hi, Mom!

- I love you!
- I love you, too!

- If you really loved me,
you'd take these bags.

- Oh yeah.

- Thank you, thank
you, thank you.


Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Get out of the way.

Ah ha, look at
that, a new stereo.

What'd ya do, rob a bank?

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Don't look at me.

- Barbara!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hold it, what's going on?

- Well, Mom, I'm gonna confess.

I'm guilty, I'm very guilty.

- No, I made her do
it, I'm the guilty one.

- I'm guiltier than you are.

- If you insist.

- You've been hitting
my perfume again.

- No, worse.

- We knocked over a bank.

- Piggy?

- Well, yeah, that too.

I guess we knocked over two
banks, Piggy and First Security.

- Mom, I went to close
out my checking account,

and the man gave
me too much money.

I tried to tell him
he made a mistake.

- But we didn't
wanna start a fight

between Clara and the teller.

- Clara?

- That's the bank computer.

They have a thing going.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, you see,

there's this weird guy
at the bank who thinks

that Clara is human...
- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, weird, all right.

Let's take this whole thing
right from the top, okay?

- Okay, now you see,

we wanted to buy a
stereo from Schneider,

but we didn't have $200,

so I called the bank to find
out what my balance was,

and Clara said it was $144.80.

- Well, if Clara
said it was 100...

- No, Mom, now wait a second.

Have you ever in your
life known me to save

more than $100 at one time?

- You got a point.

Are you trying to tell me

that you took money
that didn't belong to you?

- Mom, I tried to tell the man

it couldn't possibly
be my balance.

- Well, what was your balance?

- I'm not sure.

- Well, get your checkbook
and we'll find out what it is.

- Mom, I'm really
glad I told you.

You know, I feel better already.

- You might not feel so good

after I get through
checking this out.

All right, all
right, what's this?

It's a check for
$18.30, what's that for?

- That was a check
for something.

Wait a second, January 14th.
- Right.

- Okay, that's the
week I was skiing.

It's for the broken rental skis.

- Julie, don't you write down
what your checks are for?

- Sure I do, sometimes I do.

Now wait, wait, here's
one for a lime phosphate

at C. J. Brown's, 24 cents.

- Julie, you don't write
a check for 24 cents!

- She does.

- All right, Julie,
look, here are three,

three stubs here with
nothing at all on them.

Now what kind of record is that?

- You know what I
was gonna do, Mom?

I was gonna open another account

and let this one
settle down for awhile.

And then I could kind of jog
back and forth, you know?

- Oh, it's all right, Mom.

That's the way the
government works.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Julie, there is no excuse
for this kind of carelessness.

I am really sick and
tired of all these mistakes.

You are 18 years old, now
it's time you learned to deal with

your financial affairs
a little more carefully.

(doorbell ringing)

This kind of sloppiness
is really inexcusable.

I want you to know,
Julie, it's inexcusable.


Schneider, what do you want?

- Well the truth is, Ms. Romano,

I have been downstairs in
my room, racking my brains out,

trying to figure
a way to say this.

- Well?

- Have you perhaps, maybe,
maybe, perchance lost your job?

- No, why?

- You made a bad investment?

- Aw, Schneider.

- Or you're starting
to gamble, you know.

The horses, bingo, Mahjong,
no peeky high-low poker?

- Why?

- You see, Ms. Romano, I
always ask these questions

whenever a tenant, oh
this is so difficult to say.

Whenever a tenant
relinquishes rental responsibility.

- Schneider, in your
own inimitable way,

are you trying to tell me
that I didn't pay the rent?

- Affirmative, Roger
Wilco, and out.

- Schneider, I came
down to your apartment

and handed you the rent check.

Do you remember my
handing you the rent check?

- Yes.

- Schneider, why didn't
you cash the check,

like you always do?

(audience laughing)

My check bounced.

That's ridiculous.

- Hey, don't be embarrassed,
it happens to everybody.

You know what I'm saying,
you should have told me.

I could have covered for you.

- Schneider, that didn't
happen, I just deposited $125

in my account.

- How much?

- 125.

Julie, how much did
the bank overpay you?

- Well, well that's,

that's hard to say.

- Roughly?

- Roughly, roughly,
roughly, I'll give you roughly.

Roughly 120-some dollars.

- Like roughly 125 dollars?

- That's rough enough.

(audience laughing)

- Talk about
mistakes, talk about,

there is no excuse for this.

The bank deposited my
money in your account.

- How could they do that?

- I really don't know, I
really don't know, Barbara.

I mean, I filled out the
deposit slip, I dated it,

I endorsed the check,
I filled out the amount,

and I sent it in!

- Mom, those are
my deposit slips.

- Yeah, but it was my check.

- Yeah, but it's
my deposit slip.

The computer reads
the electronic number.

(audience laughing)

- Oh.

- So, it wasn't the
bank's mistake.

- And it wasn't my mistake.

- [Julie And Barbara]
It was your mistake.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- It was your mistake.

- Now, Mother,
there is no excuse

for this kind of sloppiness.

You should learn to
handle your financial affairs

a little more carefully.

- Exactly, Mother.

- Now, Mom, you
are 36 years old.

It's about time you
learned not to be so sloppy

with your accounts.

- Hey, Ms. Romano, don't
let these two get to you.

I just ordered a
king-sized waterbed.

If you need any money,
you can float a loan.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- [Bonnie] One Day at A
Time was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

("One Day at a Time"
saxophone music)

(upbeat orchestral music)