One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 21 - Barbara the Fink - full transcript

Barabra witnesses an act of vandalism and is torn between telling the truth and ratting on a friend.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ Well this is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ You just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ One day at a time.

- Oh Barbara,
that's really cute.

- Yeah, thanks thanks.

- Barbara?

Barbara Cooper is that you?

- No, I'm your
friendly Toyota dealer.

- Oh, honorable Barbara
son have sense of humor.

- John, we just got
our Mikado costumes,

Ms. Loring wants
to see them alright.

- Oh, honorable Barbara son,

I have tickets for
first night of play.

I'm looking forward
to kimono opening.


- John, did I invite you to
my party tomorrow night?

- Yes.

- Cancel it.

- Too late, already wash shirt.

Sayonara Barbara son.

See you tomorrow.


- Alright.

- Tomorrow.

- Alright.

- Tomorrow.

Oh, so sorry.

- Perry, what's going on?

- Nothing.


- Barbara please,
you never saw us.


- Ms. Loring I...

- Barbara, yoo hoo, Barbara.


- Hi Ms. Loring.

- Barbara you look adorable.

You know, when I did the
Mikado I sang Yum Yum.

- Ms. Loring look...

- In my yearbook I was known
as the Yummy Yum Yum.

♪ Three little maids
from school are we

♪ Pert as a
school-girl well can be

♪ Filled to the
brim with girlish glee

♪ Three little maids from school

♪ Three little maids
who, all unwary

Oh mercy, what has
happened in this office?

Oh my books, my papers.

Oh my azalea.

It's been ravished.

Oh darling.

Oh darling speak to me.

Speak to me.

Oh, oh she's dying.

- Ms. Loring, take it easy okay.

- Oh yes, yes.

Anyone who could
do this is troubled.

All this is just a cry for help.

And I'm gonna see that the

demented sucker
gets it in spades.


- [Barbara] Yeah.

- You were in the corridor.

Did you see who did this?

Do you know who
vandalized my office?

- Me?

Do you mean did
I see who could of,

you mean did I see who they...
- They.

- Was.

- Who they was?

- Him.

- Who him was?

Barbara, you realize
that you switched

from plural to singular
for no apparent reason?

- We did?

- Are you trying to
conceal someone's identity?

- You know Ms.
Loring, I just love

the way you did this.

I'm gonna try and to
do it exactly like you.

♪ Three little maids
from school are we

♪ Pert as a school girl

- You do know something,
you saw something.

- No.

It was really a blur, I
couldn't see too much.

Mascara was getting in my eyes

and this really got
in my way because...

- Oh stop that!

How could you protect
anyone who would do all this?!

That vase

was 97 years old.

- Well you're lucky
it could've been new.


- A bit of humor
in a troubled time

is always welcomed dear.

But not by me.

Oh, I would appreciate it if you

would fetch me a glass of water.


- Yes Ms. Loring.

Right away.

Here, everything's
gonna be alright.

- Thank you dear.

Now you must drink
this very slowly darling.

You know Barbara, I
just can't understand

why anyone would do all this.

I just don't understand
what's come over

our young people these days.

But Barbara, if you
know anything about this,

if you know who could
have done this Barbara.


Oh well.

You come with me darling.

We're going to get into my car

and we're going to check
you into a hot house.

- Barbara I gotta talk to you.

- Alright.

- Barbara you didn't
say anything did you?

- No, but what
was that all about?

- Well Perry, he was just
trying to get his files back.

You know he's been in
trouble a couple of times

and well, Ms. Loring
she's out to get him.

- So he says.

- Look, I didn't
know that he was

gonna grab a
bunch of other files

and then wreck the place.

But he said he had
to do it so it would

look like vandals did it.

- Eileen, I told you Perry
was bad news remember?

- Well he's nice to me.


Look, I don't wanna
get into trouble

and I don't want Perry
to get into trouble.

Barbara you're my friend.

Please don't tell.


- No I'm sorry Ms. Loring,

Barbara's not home
from school yet.

Well can she get
in touch with you?

I mean are you at the office?

The Luther Burbank Hot House.

Well, why don't you call her?

She should be home
any minute now.

Okay fine, bye bye.

I wonder why Barbara's so late.

- Maybe she's still rehearsing.

- Hey would you get your
hands out of the walnuts please?!

They're for
Barbara's party cake.

- Well excuse me!

Mom, that is the
worst kind of favoritism

any mother can show.

Shelling walnuts for one
daughter and not for the other.

- You're right.

I apologize Julie.

That's favoritism
of the worst kind.

Here, you shell the walnuts.

And you can start
on the cheese balls.

- You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna become
a mother so that I can

give the orders for a change.

- It's not worth it.

Well, it's about
time you got home.

- Yeah, it's supposed
to be your party

and we're doing all the work.

- Yeah, where have you been?

- Ms. Loring called three
times, what does she want?

- How do I know?!

Am I a mind reader okay?!


- Something wrong?

- Maybe Yum Yum's
got a pain in her tum tum.

- Lay off Julie.

- B, guess what I am
making for your party

tomorrow night?!

Your favorite!

- Bavarian chocolate
cake with walnuts.

- You're overjoyed.

(doorbell rings)

Excuse me please.

Hello Schneider.

- How are ya Ms. Romano?

- Okay, what you got there?

- Well I got some
things here for your

party tomorrow night Barbara.

You know, kinda
liven it up a little bit.

I got a, this here
is a dribble glass.

You know you, it
dribbles all over.

That's a dynamite little item.

I got right here, here's
a plastic ice cube

with a bug in it.

That drives people crazy.

Here's some itching
powder, that's great.

You just do it when
the guy's not looking.

This is one of
those joy buzzers.

(loud buzzing)

Oh that's the stuff!

And this here is a
whoopee cushion.

It's got a slow
leak, use it early.

- Schneider, that
stuffs pretty old hat no?

- Old hat?!

You kidding?

You give a guy a
dribble glass full of punch

with a fly in it, you
sprinkle some of that

itching powder down his back

and sit him on a
whoopee cushion,

he ain't gonna
have a lot of time

to fool around with
your daughters.

You understand?

So, little trouble over
at the school today huh?

- There was?

- What happened?

- Well you see my buddy's
uncle is a custodian over there

and he said that one
of the counselors offices

was vandalized.

- Barbara you know
anything about this?

- Umm, I heard it
was Ms. Loring's office.

- Ms. Loring.

- I tell ya.

I don't know what's the
matter with kids today.

People say to me "What's
the matter with kids today."

I say "Hey, I don't know what's
the matter with kids today."

I mean when I was
a kid the worse thing

I ever did was I
drilled a peephole

in the girls locker room.

- That's really gross.

- It was also the beginning of
sex education in high school.

- Do you anything
about this vandalism...

- Schneider, what
was the most exciting

thing you saw when
you looked through

that peephole huh?

- One time,

I looked through the peephole

and I saw another
eyeball looking back.

That's how I got to meet
the girls vice principle.

- Barbara, would
these calls that we've

been getting from Ms.
Loring have anything

to do with this vandalism?

- Mom, how should I know?

Would you please
get off my back?!

- Well you know,
Barbara couldn't have had

anything to do with this.

She's the only girl I
know who asks permission

before she teepee's a house.

- And even then
she uses Nice n Soft.

- Look, I didn't say
that Barbara had

anything to do with it.

But you do know
something about it don't you?

- Alright, alright, I
know something about it!


I saw them coming out
of Ms. Loring's office.

- You did!

- Well, did you tell Ms. Loring?

- No, but she knows I know.

- Hey Barbara.

Now I mean it's really

your duty to tell what you know.

It's your duty as an
honest American.

Like Marlon Brando.

- Brando?

- Yeah, don't you
remember Marlon Brando

and On the Waterfront?

He testified against
all them goons

and all them racketeers right?

And he lost his job,
his friends, his teeth.

They made dog
meat out of his face.

- Then Brando
did it all for nothing.

- You call an academy
award nothing?

Point is he tried to
do the right thing!

- Schneider.

- Huh?

- We appreciate
your help, we do.

Barbara I'm sure appreciate

and we appreciate
all of this party stuff.

But this is family
business so would you...

- Oh you mean girl talk.

Hey, hey, I'm on my way out.

Listen, why don't you keep

all the party stuff.

I mean there's
always some sucker

who's gonna fall for it anyway.

Alright, see ya later.

- Schneider.

- Yeah.

- Thank you again
for all the party stuff.

- Oh that's okay.

(loud buzzing)
(Schneider screams)

- You know there's
always some sucker

who's gonna fall
for this stuff anyway.

- You know that I knew
you were gonna do that.

I mean I saw you coming over.

I mean I...

- Okay Barbara, you
wanna tell us about it?

- Yeah, who did it?

- Eileen and this guy
she's going out with Perry.

- Eileen?

But she's a nice girl.

- I know, but she's
going out with this Perry.

I mean it wasn't her idea,

she just went along with it.

- Well that's no excuse.

- I could turn Perry
in, I mean that's easy.

Just Eileen's my friend
and I couldn't turn her in.

- You see mom,
it's an unwritten law.

It's kind of a code.

- Some code.

- Well I didn't
say it was right.

I just said that's
the way it was.

- I see, lying, cheating,
covering up for your friends.

Where do you get
that kind of code?

- Oh, by watching grown
ups evading income taxes,

fixing traffic tickets...
- Julie.

(phone ringing)


Just a moment.

Barbara, it's Ms.
Loring, are you home?

- No.

Wait a second, yeah, yeah.

I'll talk to her.

Hi Ms. Loring, how's the azalea?

Oh that's too bad.

Her azalea died.

- Awe, can you send
flowers to flowers?


- Do I have to?

Yes ma'am.

Okay yeah, okay bye.

I have to go in and see
her first thing in the morning.

I don't wanna lie
but if I tell on Eileen

I'm a rat.

- No you're not.

- You want some cheese?


Barbara, I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it, I'm sorry.


- Barbara what are you
doing up and dressed so early?

- I couldn't sleep.

I was tossing and
turning trying to

figure out what to say to
Ms. Loring this morning.

Trying to plan it
out in my head.

- What are you gonna say?

- Ms. Loring...

- Yeah.

- That's as far as I got.

- I'll get you some juice.

- [Ann] Hi darling.

- Good morning mom.

Rough night huh kid?

- I hope I didn't wake you up.

- No, only when you were
chewing on the peanut brittle.

- Oh I'm beat mom,

maybe I should stay home
from school today and rest.

- Sorry, you know rule
number one around here.

No one stays home from school

unless that person is sick.

- Oh my head.

I mean my stomach, no my head...

Oh I'm sick, oh I'm so sick.

Oh yeah, yeah, I
think I'm coming down

with that new flu,
what do you call it?

- 24 hour chicken.

- Barbara, here's your juice.

- I don't want any,
I'm sick, I could die.

- You still have
to go to school.

- Couldn't I die please?

- Sweetheart look, you made
an appointment with Ms. Loring.

She expects you.

You can't hide your
head in the sand.

- Unless of course you've
got feathers on your butt.


- Mom, how can I do
something like this?

I mean how can I fink
on somebody I like?

- Barbara, you're
gonna find a way.

Remember me, I'm your sister.

The one on who you
perfected your finking.

- Telling on a
sister isn't finking.

It's survival.

Besides, Eileen isn't my sister.

I like her.

Mom, I'm not the only
one who likes Eileen.

I mean a lot of people like her.

And everybody would
hate me if I told on her.

- Alright darling, let
me give you a couple

of options here, devil's
advocate time okay.

Supposing you did tell
on Eileen, then what?

- Oh, then Barbara could
walk to classes alone,

eat lunch alone...
- Dance alone.

- Okay, supposing
you didn't tell on Eileen.

- I'm not sure.

- Honey, you want me to
go down to school with ya?

- How about instead of me?

- Oh my dear, you're
doing beautifully.

You know I thought I'd lost you.

Hang tough.

(loud knocking)

Come in.

Good morning Barbara.

- Good morning Ms. Loring.

- Sit down.

- Your azalea, I
thought it died?

- Oh I did too.

But they do wonderful
things these days.

You know one of
these days they'll

be performing root bypasses.

- That's wonderful, wonderful.

Can I go now?

- Freeze.

You know Barbara,

I have a feeling that you know
more than you're telling me.

Who was responsible
for this barbaric act.

- I really can't
say, it was dark.

- At 4:30 in the afternoon?

- There was an eclipse.

- Oh Barbara.



Oh I know what you
have to contend with.

The peer pressure,

the cruel remarks
from the other students,

but don't be confused by a
misguided sense of loyalty.

- It's not that simple,
you wouldn't understand.

- Oh I just might
understand Barbara.

Oh I know you
students think of me

as a peculiar fuddy
duddy who talks to plants.

But if you had to
face all the problems

I face every day you'd
know why I talk to plants.

No offense dear.

Oh I know the code.

Thy shall not
fink on thy friends.

But how can I help them if
I don't know who they are?

Oh Barbara, how
can I gain your trust?

- I do trust you Ms. Loring.

But it wasn't her fault.

- Her.

- Him.

- Him.

Oh let's not start that again.

Barbara, I know you're problem.

You wanna tell the truth

but you wanna
protect your friend.

You're between
Scylla and Charybdis.

- What's that mean?

- A rock and a hard place.

Barbara it's not just you.

It's everybody.

Nobody wants to get involved.

And who's going
to start speaking up

if not the young people?

- Alright.

It was Perry Huggins.

- Who else.

- That's all.

- Barbara, are you
telling me the truth?

- And Eileen Bradshaw.

Well it wasn't her fault.

See she was hanging
out with this guy Perry

and she does whatever he says.

She doesn't have
many boyfriends.

Can I go please?

- Okay.

- Where are they?!

The party was
supposed to start at eight

and nobody showed up yet!

How long can I keep waiting
and waiting and waiting?!

- Darling, it is only
three minutes after eight.

- You see!

I'm on everybody's
you know what list.

- Alright, let's
turn the lights on!

Everybody back
in the living room!

This party's
getting out of hand!

Come on, move it, move it!

- Schneider!

What are you talking about?

- Hey, hey.

Whenever there's a teenage party

and I don't hear any
noise, that's trouble.

- Nobody's shown up yet.

- That's also trouble.

- Nobody's going to.

- Uh huh.

You went down to the school

and you told them all you know

and now you're getting
the cold shoulder huh?

Well, cheer up.

Now you find out who
your true friends are.

- Yeah, mom, Julie, and you.

- Well look at the bright side.

I mean if nobody
comes over here tonight

you'll have enough
cheese balls for a month.

She's really
taking it pretty hard.

- What she did wasn't easy.

- I know.

You know something,
I'm really proud of her.

- So am I.

- You know I know
what she's going through.

I got the silent treatment once.


I saw a guy sneaking
a girl into the barracks.

- And you told on him?

- Oh yeah.

- Why?

- It was my girl.


- Barbara's gonna be okay.

- Your attention please.

I have a special
announcement to make.

I am okay.

I mean I'll be damned
if something like this

is really gonna effect me.

I mean if the whole student
body turns against me,

fine student body,
that's your loss.

So if you guys think I'm upset

just because nobody's
here you're right.

- Oh honey.

Honey everything's
gonna be alright.

Really, everything's
gonna be alright.

- Let me tell you something kid.

You got a lot more
guts than I would've had.

- Come on, this ain't
no wake, this a party.

We got music here,
come on Julie let's dance.

- Okay let's do it!

Come on Barbara!
- Wait a second, wait a second

- [Barbara] It's my
party, dance with me!

- You got it, let's go, come on!

- You get something
to eat and mom.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it, I'll get it.

- Okay.

- Eileen.

- Hi Barb.

- Hi.

- Can I come in?

- Sure, come on in.

- Barbara I'm sorry.

- You're sorry.

- Yes.

We're friends and I
put you in a terrible spot.

- It's alright.

So what happened?

- Well I told Ms.
Loring everything.

And you know,
she's really very nice.

She gave me a month's probation,

some good advice, and
a packet of azalea seeds.

- So what about Perry?

- He's in an awful
lot of trouble I guess.

Anyway, I just met this
really interesting guy.

- [Barbara] Oh really?

- Yeah, he came
to the party with me.

- Where is he?

- Well I told him that I
wanted to talk to you first

and he's out
waiting in the hall.

- Well go get him.

Come on.

- Come on in!


- Barbara son.

Awe mama son.

Julie son.

And Super son.

- Turkey son.


- Hi Barbara, how are you?

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] One Day
At A Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(upbeat music)