One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 17 - The New Owner - full transcript

Determined not to lose his job, Schneider woos the new owner who falls for him.

♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you
get, so go and have a ball

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

(doorbell ringing)

- Barbara, would you
get the door, honey?

(doorbell ringing)

Barb, honey, I'm not dressed.

Would you get the door please?

(doorbell ringing)

Barbara, look, I'm not dressed.

I can't go to the
door, would you...

Move your butt.

- Mom.
- Yes?

- Why did you do that?

- There's somebody
ringing the bell

and I would like you to get it.

- Why me?

- Because it might
be Christian Dior

and I do not wish
him to see me like this.

- Okay.

- Hi, kid.

Didn't you hear the bell?

(doorbell ringing)

I thought I had it fixed.

There, how's that?

- What is going on out here?

- Good, you're awake.

I thought you might be asleep.

- You know me,
the crack of dawn,

Saturday morning when
I don't have to go to work.

Why don't you just
play reveille on a bugle?

- You're one of those people
that wakes up grumpy, huh?

- Mom, he was just
fixing the doorbell.

- Well you asked me to.

- Yeah, terrific.

But why the big hurry?

You couldn't wait until noon?

- Wait until noon?

Are you kidding, I
can't wait until noon.

I got things to do.

I mean, this is my
life, I got things to fix.

All right, you told me you
wanted your thermostat fixed.

I can fix that.

There, that's fixed.

What was the other thing?

The molding, you wanted
the molding fixed, huh?

(banging on floor)

- Schneider!

- Ssh, I got tenants
trying to sleep.

Besides, you might wake Julie.

- No, I won't wake Julie.

She's in Logansport,
visiting her father.

- Oh, good.

What was the other you said?

Oh yeah, the shutters.

The shutters were stuck.

That shouldn't
be too big a deal.

There you go.

- Okay, Schneider, at the
risk of sounding grumpy again,

why the big rush to
get everything done?

- I'm just trying to make
everything ship shape

for the new owner.

- Aha, new owner.

That's why the big rush.

- What big rush?

This is what I do normally.

And if you see the new
owner, you can say that.

- Maybe we could
get a new refrigerator.

- No, what we need
is a new shower head.

(girls chattering)

- Hold it!

Not so fast.

This happens to have
a very, very tough lady.

- A woman?
- Yeah.

She's tougher than Bella Hazbug.

- What's her name?

- Stegemuller.

Down at the building
maintenance union,

we call her Sledgehammer.

- You're worried,
aren't you, Schneider?

- Worried, what do
you mean worried?

I've been the super
here for 14 years.


Of course, the last two
buildings she bought,

she did fire the super

and hire a building
maintenance service.

- Schneider, don't worry.

We'll put in a
good word for you.

- Oh, listen.

She'd be crazy to fire me.

I know this building like
a lover knows a lovee.

I have an appointment with
her down in my apartment now.

I better get down there.

It was 10 minutes ago,

what did you keep
me here talking for?

I'm gonna lose my...
Gonna lose my job.

Where's my hammer?

- It's right over,
it's right here.

Here, here.

- Put it in there.

Where's my screwdriver?

- You're wearing it,
Schneider, you're wearing it.

- Oh yeah, right.

- Schneider.
- What?

- Schneider?
- What!

- Why are you so uptight?

- Uptight, you
think I'm uptight?

Don't think I'm just
gonna go down there

and kowtow to that Mrs.
Sledgehammer, you know.

I mean, if I'm uptight,
it's just because

I'll have to start working
for a dame, you know.

- Schneider.

- All I'm gonna get now
is a bunch of yakking.

Her husband is dead.

She probably drove
him to his grave

with her big flapping mouth.

- Schneider.

- So you're Schneider, hm?

- Who said that?

- Big flapping mouth.

I gather you used
to be the super.

- Mrs. Stegemuller, you
thought that I was talking...

She thought that I
was talking about her.

I wasn't talking about you.

I was telling them
about last week,

I was fishing and I caught
this big flapping mouth bass.

You don't believe that, do you?

- Not for one damn minute.

- I'm Ann Romano.

This is my daughter Barbara.

- Hi.

Look, Schneider is really
a wonderful superintendent.

- He certainly is.

We wouldn't know
what to do without him.

- Hold it, girls.

Okay, I apologize.

I sometimes say things
that I don't mean, you know.

Especially when I
meet a woman like you.

The thing is, I'm
really a good super.

- What do you mean,
a woman like me?

- I know this building
like the back of my hand,

the wiring and the plumbing.

- What do you mean,
a woman like me?

- I'm not a Johnny come
lately to this business.

I know my business.

- What do you mean,
a woman like me?

- What do I mean,
a woman like you?




- Oh.

Is that what you meant?

- Yeah.

- Uh, the previous owner
mentioned something

about a complaint,
something about a pass key.

- Yes, that's my pass key.

Sometimes I have to let myself
into the tenant's apartment.

You see, it's part
of my security check.

I have a thing...

Would you mind very
much, ma'am, if I stood

back over here, that
perfume you have on

is quite distracting.

- Really?

- Let's let the man go to work.

- So to speak.
- As it were.

- There's also a tenant in
212 that was complaining...

- I bet your boyfriend
bought that for you.

- What?

- The perfume.

- Oh, I don't have a boyfriend.

- What did you say?

I would have sworn
that such a perfume

could only have
been bought by a man.

It has a certain earthy quality.

- That's the musk.

My late husband would
never let me wear it.

- Must have been an
insanely jealous man.

- I always wanted him
to grow a mustache.

Mr. Schneider... - Dwayne.

- Now look, if you
think personal charm

can overcome the economic
realities of running a building,

you're out of your mind.


I might as well tell you that

I'm planning on hiring a
professional maintenance service

for this building.


- Well, that is
certainly up to you.

You're obviously a
woman of great intelligence

and you really shouldn't
allow yourself to be ruled

by your warm, feminine
heart, Mrs. Stegemuller.

- Rose.

- Rose, of course,
if I do stay to provide

my around the clock,
24 hour services,

it's only fair to
tell you I'm due

a $50 a month raise.

- $50?

- Of course on the other hand,

I don't want to push myself
into a higher tax bracket.

But I can see
that you're anxious

to inspect the property
you've just purchased,

so why don't I just conduct
you on a personal tour

de la edifice, mon cherie?

- You speak French?

- Un poquito.

Mm, I wouldn't wear that
scent during the hunting season.

- Ah, I may be sick.

Do you believe that line?

- Actually, I think
it's very romantic.

Just be careful where
you step in here.

- Hello, Miss Romano.

Is Dwaynesy here?

- Dwaynesy is here, yes.

Come on in.

- Hello there, Mrs. Stegemuller.

- Hello, Dwaynesy.

- She calls me Dwaynesy.

- Yes, I heard.

- I brought you
a little present.

- Oh, you didn't have to
do that, Mrs. Stegemuller.

- Nonsense, Dwaynesy.

It's just a little something.

- Why don't you
open it, Dwaynesy?

- Yeah, let's see
what we got here.


Oh, wow.

This brand new tool belt.

- It's really nice.

Chrome plated tools.

- Yeah.

- Why don't you put it on?

- Really, I wouldn't
want to get it all dirty.

You know, I just
installed a shower head.

I guess I better get
down to the laundry room.

I imagine those pipes
are getting all clogged up.

- I'll go with you.

- Apre vous, Rose.

- Well, when you
play with fire...

- I'm not playing with
fire and nothing is wrong.

Everything is all
right, nothing's wrong.

- [Rose] Let's go, Dwaynesy.

- Coming.

- I've been doing
a little thinking.

You know, you could
use some time off.

Say a long weekend at my cabin.

- Your cabin?

- It's just a little
place at the lake.

With a big fireplace
and a cozy sofa.

I haven't been up
there since Percy died.

Our last night there
may have caused it.

(Schneider groans)

What's the matter?
- My back.

Oh my goodness.

Ow, ow, it hurts back
there where my back is.

It goes out at the
darnedest times.

- Oh, you poor baby.

Don't you worry,
I'll get it all well.

- What are you gonna do?

(Schneider groaning)

Hi, you're home, huh?

- No.

What's with the cane?

- I heard Rosie
was in the building.

She's not here is she?

- No.
- Good.

I heard she was looking for me.

You don't mind if I
stick around, do you?

- Oh no, not at all.

Have a beer, read the
paper, hide in the closet.

- What do you mean,
hide in the closet?

- Gee, I never
thought I'd see the day

when Schneider would
hide from a woman.

- Hide from a woman?

Whatever gave you that idea?

- You see, I ran into Rosie
downtown after school.

She was out buying a
black baby doll nightie

for her little
hideaway at the lake.

- Rosie in a black
baby doll nightie.

Why me?

- Shack up or shut
up, huh, Schneider?

Gee, you know, I guess any
man as attractive as you are

is just bound to
run into problems.

- I know, I know.

It's in my blood.

I would actually love to
give some of my blood

to the Red Cross, but
I'm afraid of starting orgies

in the hospital.

- Well, they could always
invent an anti-Schneider serum.

Or just shoot you.

- Ironing makes
you tense, doesn't it?

- Schneider, I'm sorry, but
you're really not being fair

to Mrs. Stegemuller.

- What are you talking
about, not being fair?

What do you know about it?

You don't know nothing about it.

You don't even know how to iron.

Let me know what
you're doing there.

Get away from there.

Call yourself a...

You're supposed to let
the iron do the work for you.

Ah, you got it too hot.

You're supposed to
start with the collar.

You don't even know that,

you're supposed to
start with the collar.

- Schneider, what's
the matter with you?

- Barbara, I overplayed my hand.

A woman...

A woman is like a
bathtub full of water.

Once you get it hot, it
doesn't cool off too fast.

- And by the time it
does, it has a ring.

- Why did God give
me all this sex appeal?

I kindled her fire.

I've kindled it.

Now how am I gonna douse
it without breaking her heart?

- Or losing your job.

- That too.


Maybe I should
shave off the mustache.

- I think that just
might be the answer.

All the girls in
the laundry room

are always talking about it.

It's like Kirk Douglas's dimple.

Paul Newman's blue eyes.

Schneider, your
mustache, paramedic time.

(Schneider humming "Taps")

(knocking on door)

- Who is it?

- [Rose] It's Rosie.

- Oh, Rose, yeah.

Just a minute.

(Schneider groans)


- Where you been?

I've been looking all
over the building for you.

- I'm sorry, I wish I'd known.

- Oh, you've got it on.

And I was afraid
you didn't like it.

- Like it?

I love it.

It was very sweet
of you to get it for me.

As a matter of fact,
I've been thinking

about how nice you are, Rosie.

It's really too bad about
this weekend at the lake.

- What do you mean?

- Rosie, sit down for a minute.

I want to tell you something.

There are circumstances,
Rose, in my background

which have caused a certain
amount of notoriousness.

If word gets around
that you and me...

I don't want to
besmirch your reputation.

- Besmirch it.

- Rose, I mean, I'm not
good enough for you.

- I'll teach you.

- Rose, it kind of...

The only thing I want...

You'll teach me?

- Dwayne, you do
want to go, don't you?

- Do I want to go?

Do I want to go?

Did Romeo want Juliet?

Did Napoleon, did
he want Josephine?

Did Cyrano want Bergerac?

- Did Dwayne answer my question?

- Okay, okay.

I'm gonna level with you

because I'm not a deceptive man.

I can't go to the lake
this weekend with you.

- You're fired.

- Unless you let me
bring the champagne.

- Oh, you rascal.


I don't need stimulants.

Why wait for the weekend?

- Rose, I'm still on duty.

- Just take the afternoon off

and get workman's compensation.

- Rose.

Why don't we have a snack?

Look at this, a
can of mixed nuts.

Here, grab onto that.

How about some
refried beans, look at that.

A Twinkie. (laughs)

I know what you want.

How about some pig's knuckles?

You're gonna...

Look at that, I'm all
out of the pig's knuckles.

I'll go down and get
some... Pig's knuckles.

- Why do I feel
you're avoiding me?

- Okay, Rose, I
guess I should admit

that you deserve the truth.

- There's another woman.

- Wow, wow, wow.

It's incredible how
sensitive you women are

to these things.

Of course there's another woman

but I don't want
to break her heart.

I want to let her down gently.

- Why do I always get involved
with sweet, sensitive men?

- Rose, I just
need a little time

to let her down gently.

Just a couple of days, a
week, a year at the most.

- A year?

- Six months?

- What's her name?

- Her name?

No no, I don't give names.

I don't give any names.

- You've got 10 seconds.

Nine, eight.

- Listen.
- Seven.

(knocking on door)

- Who is it?
- Ann.

- Ann.
- Ann?

- Schneider, look...
- Miss Romano.

Come back later.

There you go, that's it.

- Schneider, what was...

- Of course you saw
me and Rose together

and it broke your
heart, I'm so sorry.

Go on, my dear, we're through.

- So are you.

- Don't touch me.

What's going on?

- I'm firing him.

- I'm not talking about you,
I'm talking about what's...

You can't do that.

- I can too, I just did.

- You're making a mistake.

Schneider is a damn
good superintendent.

- Look, Red.

I own this building and
if I say he goes, he goes.

- If he goes, a lot of
tenants are gonna go too.

- I can get others.

- Now, now you say that, sure,

because things are tight.

But don't count on it
always being that way.

Schneider is a very dependable,
forthright, loyal, brave...

- All right, hold it, hold it.

I've heard enough
of this yakking.

- Now look, buster.

- Don't call me buster.

My name is Schneider,
Dwayne Schneider, got it?

All right, I made
a play for you.

It was maybe the
wrong thing to do,

but my heart and
soul is in this job

and I want to keep my job.

I don't want to
beg nobody for it.

You come in here with your big

high highfalutin
building services

and you don't
stop to look around

and see what a good
thing you got going already.

- Right, tell her
about Mr. Peabody.

- Mr. Peabody,
he's in a wheelchair

and I oil the wheelchair
to keep it from squeaking

in the hallway.

- And tell her about
the purse snatcher.

- Oh yeah, we had
a purse snatcher.

So who do you suppose it was?

I was down in the
lobby, patrolling the lobby

in drag to try to catch the guy.

- He didn't.

- He did.

- Yeah, he did.

And that doesn't
count fixing the wiring

and fixing the plumbing.

- And fixing the heating.

- Like it was my own child.

If that ain't good
enough for you, huh,

if that ain't good
enough for you,

then go on out and
hire your crummy old

building maintenance
service because...

- He quits.
- He quits.

- He takes a little getting
used to, doesn't he?

- Yeah.

At first he's
impossible, then he just

kind of grates on you.

And then you get used to him.

You're not really
gonna fire him, are you?

- How could I? (chuckles)

- Good, you made
the right decision.

I'll see you later.

- All right, now
that that's settled,

how about my $50 a month raise?

- How about my
champagne at the lake?

- How about $25
and I get you a beer

over at the bowling alley?

- [Narrator] One Day
At A Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.