One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 16 - Barbara's Rebellion - full transcript

Barabara is tired of being known as Ms. Goody Two Shoes and runs off to Chicago with shy Bob and check into a hotel room together.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, na na na na

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, na na na na

♪ One day at a time

- Hi, hello, anybody home?

- Yeah, I am.
(audience laughing)

- Schneider, what
are you doing here?

- Miss Romano, I got something
very important to tell you.

So would you just,
you know, sit down here

and make yourself comfortable.

Everything's gonna be okay.

- Everything's gonna be
okay, what's everything?

- Don't panic, now don't panic!

(audience laughing)

If you start
screamin' and faintin'

you're not gonna
help the situation.

- What situation?

- The situation that's
gonna make you

start screamin' and faintin'.

(audience laughing)

- Julie.
- Julie?

- Yeah, Julie.
- Julie what?

- Well, she was foolin' around
with this big brass Indian.

(audience laughing)
- What?

- Hey mom, guess what?

- Hi honey, Schneider,
what brass Indian?

- The one that she
hung her brassiere on.

(audience laughing)

- Hey mom, the school play,

I got the lead in
Arsenic and Old Lace.

- Yeah, honey,
terrific, that's very nice.

Schneider, why would...

- The director says I'm
a natural for the part.

I play a decrepit old
lady who murders people.

- Yeah, that's terrific.
(audience laughing)

Schneider, look, why would Julie

hang her brassiere
on a brass Indian?

- Well it wasn't just a
brassiere, it was a tutu, too.

Also a tutu. (audience laughing)

- Mom, it has a happy ending.

I'm insane, and they put me away

in a mental
institution for life.

- Wonderful. (audience laughing)

Schneider, is she okay?

- Oh yeah, she's fine, it's
just that the fraternity guys,

in revenge, they painted
her red and green.

(audience laughing)
- Red and green?

- School colors.
(audience laughing)

- Why would Julie do
a crazy thing like that?

It is always Julie.
- Always Julie.

- Schneider, where is she now?

- Well, she's over
at the frat house.

They gave her a chance
to escape, she refused.

(audience laughing)

- She must look adorable
painted red and green.

- I hope she ends up on
Main Street as a traffic light.

(audience laughing)

- That Julie, what
a character, so wild,

so unpredictable, but lovable.

She reminds me of
me. (audience laughing)

- You guys, what about me?

- Oh honey, right,
I'm sorry, the play.

You got the lead, that's...

- No, haven't I ever
done anything bad

that people always talked about?

- Yeah, but luckily, you
outgrew all of that nonsense.

You're a terrific
kid, I'm proud of you.

Best Camper Award
three years in a row,

honor roll, class treasurer...

- Whoopee, I'm Miss Excitement.

I'm the only kid I know
who goes to confession

and has to make up
sins. (audience laughing)

- Boy, if i ever
went to confession,

the priests would
all have a raffle

to see who got to hear
it. (audience laughing)

- I better go get Julie.

- Well listen, I'll
drive you over there,

and maybe on the way back,

we can run her
through a car wash.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara here,
help me, would you?

Go to the market,

and pick us up something
for dinner, hamburger.

- So that's what you call
a hamburger helper, huh?

(audience laughing)

- Good old dependable Barbara.

I think you're the world's
oldest living Brownie Scout.

(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)

- Hi Barbara.
- Oh, hi Bob.

- I passed your mom
and Schneider in the hall.

They seemed to be in a hurry.

- Julie's in trouble again.

She put a bra and
tutu on a brass Indian.

- That's a laugh, might
even call it a mini-ha-ha.

(audience laughing) Sorry.

- Mom is so wrapped up in Julie,

she doesn't even
care that I got the lead

in Arsenic and Old Lace.

- Oh yeah, I heard about that.

You know, Barb, I don't know how

you're gonna play a murderer.

You're so nice.
- You too?

If somebody calls me
nice just one more time,

I really will commit murder.

- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to get you mad.

- I'm sorry Bob.

I'm really in a bad mood lately.

Unless you're wild
and misbehaved,

nobody pays any
attention to you.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

I feel that way at
dinner lots of times.

My mother keeps forgetting
to set a place for me.

(audience laughing)

- I bet if we did something
bad, people would notice us.

- Yeah, you know, I think
the worst thing I've done is,

well, you remember
that dirty poem

on Mrs. Acker's blackboard,

the one with all the
four-letter words?

- Don't tell me you wrote that.

- Nope, but I read it
twice. (audience laughing)

- Bob, do you see, we're alike.

We've both got the same
horrible image: we're nice.

- Yeah, I'm supposed
to be a teenager,

and my mother trusts
me. (audience laughing)

It's embarrassing.

Oh Barbara, the
reason I came over is,

I got my dad's car,
but I don't suppose

you want to go any
place with me, would you?

- Yeah Bob, I'd love to
go someplace with you.

- You would?

Hey great, where
do you wanna go?

- Chicago for the weekend.

(audience cheering)

- As in Chicago, Illinois?

Barbara, I was thinking
more like miniature golf.

(audience laughing)

- Bob, don't you
see, this is perfect.

It's a rebellion, they'll
really notice us now.

- I don't think I can.

I have to practice
my tuba tonight.

(audience laughing)

I mean, besides Barbara,
Chicago overnight?

I mean, people will think
that we, uh, that we...

- I hope they will.

(audience applauding
and cheering)

- Barbara, we're back!

Julie, you are just lucky that
the paint came off your skin.

(audience laughing)

- We'd have had to
have you sandblasted.

(audience laughing)

- I was just having fun.

- Barbara!

Well Julie, my darling,
for this little caper,

you get to do everybody's
chores for a week.

(sighs loudly)

Why is it every
time there's trouble,

I always know it's you?

Why can't you be
more like your sister?


Where is she?

- Chicago. (audience laughing)

- What?

- They must be runnin' a hell
of a special on hamburgers.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Mom, I've gone to Chicago
for the weekend with a boy.

I'll be back on Sunday.

Sincerely, your other daughter.

(audience laughing)

- Wanna eat out?
(audience laughing)

(horns honking)

- Well.
- Well.

- Here we are.

In a motel, in Chicago.

- Yeah well, uh, now that
we've seen it, let's go home.

(audience laughing)

- Bob, come on.

We're here for the
night, so let's get a room.

There's the bell for the clerk.

(audience laughing)

- Maybe we shouldn't.
(audience laughing)

I mean, it'll wake 'em
up, and Barbara, a motel?

You'll lose respect for
me. (audience laughing)

Oh Barbara, no.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Now you ring it, you're the man.

- Me?

- [Barbara] Yeah.

- The man?

- [Barbara] Yeah.

- Oh. (audience laughing)

All right. (light
bell tapping sound)

It's broken.

(bell ringing)
(audience laughing)

You did it.
- You did it.

- No, you did it.
- You did it.

- Yeah, just a minute.

- See, you woke him up.

- There's nothing
to be scared of.

I'll wait over here.

- Wait Barbara, what do I say?

I've never checked into
a girl with a motel before.

(audience laughing)

I mean, I've never checked
into a motel with a girl, I mean.

- Yeah?

(audience laughing)


(audience laughing)

- I was (clears throat).
(audience laughing)

I was wondering, I
was wondering, uh,

how's the fishing
been around here?

(audience laughing)
- What do you care?

Looks like you've
got your limit.

(audience laughing and cheering)

Okay kid, you want something?

- Yeah, what I want is,
what I really want is, I...

- I want to go to bed!

- Hey Tiger, you've
got a live one.

(audience applauding
and cheering)

- To sleep, mister.
- Sure.

Okay Warren Beatty,
(audience laughing)

you want a room?

- A room, yeah a
room, you got rooms?

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, how about that?

This is a motel, we got rooms.

You want one or not?

- Yeah, that's
it, I want a room,

that's exactly
what I want, yeah.

Oh, and she wants one too.

- Right.

- Two rooms?
- Yeah.

- Everybody's kinky these days,

(audience laughing)

but no snappin'
towels in the hallways.

That's 36 bucks.

- 36 dollars, I don't
have 36 dollars.

We'll take one room.

- But there's two of us.

- Look, I got a
nice double room.

It's late, and I'll give
you a good deal.

15 bucks, and you can
have it for the whole night.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, we'll take it.

As long as it's a double.

- Ten.

- 11.
- 12.

- 13.
- 14.

(audience laughing)
- 15.

You see, she's
not really my wife.

(audience laughing)

- No kiddin'.
(audience laughing)

Just sign here, Mr. John Smith.

(audience laughing)

- I see Mr. John Smith
has already signed here.

(audience laughing) Seven times.

My name's Robert L.
Morton. (audience laughing)

- You know, Killer,
you got integrity.

(audience laughing)

Room 103, right down the hall.

- Go ahead.

- You go, after you.

(audience laughing)

(door slamming)

(audience laughing)


- Well, how 'bout
this, a real room?

- Yeah.

- Hey look Barbara, windows,

and a dresser,
and chairs to sit on.

Hey look, our own toilet.

I mean, don't look.
(audience laughing)

- Bob, we have one
of those at home.

- Oh, well you know
what they look like then.

(audience laughing)

Hey, there's an ice
machine down the hall.

You want some ice?

- Ice, for what?

- We could sit
and watch it melt.

(audience laughing)

(luggage slamming)
- Ow, oh, ooh.

- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean that, I'm sorry.

You may not have
noticed right away,

but I'm a little nervous.
(audience laughing)

- I think I noticed.
(audience laughing)

- Hey, there's only one bed.

I'd better sleep in the car.

- Bob, you don't want to
leave me here alone, do you?

- You're right, you
better sleep in the car.

(audience laughing)

- Look, we paid for the room
now, don't you want to use it?

- Yes, no, uh, Barbara,

I'm getting some thoughts
I shouldn't be getting.

- Thanks Bob.

I mean, that's the nicest
thing you could ever say to me.

Now, forget it.

(audience laughing and cheering)

- I'm sorry I'm
a little nervous,

but it's like the Boy
Scouts, my first overnighter.

(audience laughing)

What are you doing?

- I'm just putting some
underwear in the drawer.

You want to put
anything in here?

- Oh Barbara, you
think we should do that,

put our underwear
in the same drawer?

(audience laughing)

- I'll put the Bible in-between.

- Yep, it's a nice
room, nice carpet.

I think I'll sleep on
it right over here.

- Bob, you're not gonna
sleep on the floor now.

This is a perfectly big bed.

- Oh wow, postcards.

Hey, I better get
started writin' 'em out.

- At two o'clock in the morning?

- Well, we came here to
change our image, didn't we?

So we gotta let people know.

- What are you writing?

- Oh, not much.

- Dear Eddie, I'm in a
motel with Barbara Cooper,

wish you were here.
(audience laughing)

- I guess I should reword that.

- Look Bob, we're both uptight,

but I want to get some sleep,

and I'm not going to get it
with you sitting up all night.

Will you come
on, let's go to bed?

- Wait a minute, I got an idea.

- What are you doing?

- I saw this movie on TV,

It Happened One
Night, with Clark Gable.

It's us exactly.

- Clark Gable?

- Okay, so he was older,

but Clark Gable and
Claudette Colbert aren't married,

and they have to spend
the night in a motel,

so they hang a
blanket between them.

(audience laughing) Like this.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

(audience laughing)

- Want me to turn off the light?

- No. (audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

So you know, this
is really comfortable.

(audience laughing)

Boy, if the guys
could see me now,

that'd really change
the old image, huh?

(audience laughing)

- Hey Bob.

In the movie It
Happened One Night,

what exactly happened?

- Well, oh! (audience laughing)

That's what happened.
(audience applauding)

- Yeah, thanks Fred.

Yeah, I'm sorry to have
bothered you this time of night.

Yeah okay, bye-bye.

- No good?

- Well, at least she's not
out with Ready Freddy.

(audience laughing)
- No, she's not.

I don't know where she is.

Oh my God.

She's just a child,
so trusting and sweet.

If only she'd come
through that door right now,

I'd kill her.
(audience laughing)

- Mom, she's gonna be
all right, I'm sure she is.

- Honey, why would
Barbara do a thing like this?

I just don't understand,
it's not like her.

- Boy, it sure isn't.

You think of Barbara,
you think of Mary Poppins,

Marie Osmond, Betty Markowitz.

- Betty Markowitz?

- Yeah, she's the Sunshine
Lady down at the hospital.

She walks around all day
waking up sick people, saying,

"Have a nice day."
(audience laughing)

- Oh, I just don't
know what to do now.

We've called everyone.

- No we haven't.

There is one name here
that we haven't called.

- Who?
- Bob Morton.

- Oh, that's what I said,
we've called everyone.

- Really, I mean Bob was
15 before he left the front yard.

(audience laughing)

- All right, so
he's not a swinger,

but one more call
ain't gonna hurt.

- Hey Schneider, don't do
that, huh, I mean, it's too late.

- When you start
something, you finish it, okay.

- No, it's late, and
it's embarrassing.

We know it's not
going to be Bob.

- Yes sir, excuse
me, this is for you.

- Who are we talking...?
- Mr. Morton.

- Morton, Hi
Mr. Morton, how are you?

Um, Ann Romano,
Barbara's mother.

Uh-huh, how are you anyway?

Oh, I'm fine, fine.

Is Bob there?


Bob's not home either.

- She's with the
teenage Pat Boone?

(audience laughing)

- Look, Mr. Morton, what
I think happened, see,

is that Bob went with Barbara
to Chicago for the weekend.

Bob, Bob Morton.
(audience laughing)

Your son.

Well, I don't think
that's very nice.

- What'd he say?

- He said, "That son of
a gun, it's about time,"

and he started to cheer.

(audience applauding
and cheering)

- Barbara?
- Yeah?

- You asleep?
- Uh-uh.

- Neither am I.
(audience laughing)

- You suppose this is
what marriage is like?

(audience laughing)

- If it is, the nights
are awful long.

(audience laughing)

It sure is different than
sleeping with my dog.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Barbara, do you trust me?

- Yeah.
- I knew it.

(audience laughing)

- Bob, we're close friends.

- I think that's the
trouble right now,

we're a little too
close, I can't sleep.

- Hey Bob, how'd you like
to pretend we're married?

- What, oh Barbara.

- You wouldn't want to?

- Well sure, but...

- Okay, okay, let's
pretend we're married.

- Okay.

- Please go to sleep,
dear, I've got a headache.

(audience applauding
and cheering)

- Can I get you an
aspirin? (audience laughing)

(knocking on door)
- Okay, open up in there.

This is the police.
- Police?

- I keep tellin' ya, I
thought they was married.

- What's going on
here, what did we do?

- What you did is
help us get the goods

on this creepo and
his hotbed motel.

- But you've got it all wrong.

We weren't really
sleeping together.

- Heck no, we haven't
slept a wink all night.

(audience laughing)

- I'm sorry kids, but
you're what we might call

evidence, come on, up.

Clothes, what kind
of deviants are you?

(audience laughing)

You're cold?

- No, I'm sweating like a pig.

(audience laughing)

Oh, I didn't mean pig.

(audience applauding
and cheering)

I'm just a little hot.
(audience cheering)

I didn't mean hot either.

- What are you two up to?

- We thought we might go

to the Museum of
Science and Industry.

- Don't get wise with me, kid.

You're underage, and you're
consorting in a known house

of assig, assig...
- Assignation.

- Right, and with a female
who is not your spouse.

I could bust ya.

- Arrest us, that's perfect!

- I don't think you
understand, little lady.

We've been staking
this place out.

When this hits the newspapers...

- Newspapers, wait
'til my mom hears:

Barbara Cooper
arrested in a vice raid.

That's Cooper, C-O-O-P-E-R.
(audience laughing)

- With Robert Louis
Morton, six-one, 180 pounds.

(audience laughing)

- Listen kid, Indiana
plates, I can arrest you

for bringing the girl
across the state line.

- But you've got to arrest me.

I brought him
across the state line!

- I ain't heard of
no law against that.

- That's discrimination,
arrest me.

Women have rights too, you know.

(audience laughing)

- You know what I think?

I think you two really came to
Chicago to go to the museum.

It's pathetic.
(audience laughing)

Two weeks on this stakeout,

and I get to bust Peter
Pan and Tinkerbell.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

- Well, here we are.

Look, you don't have to come in.

- Hey, we're in this
together, remember?

Barbara, if I had to spend
the night in a motel with a girl,

I'm glad it was you.

- Thank you, Bob.

- Thank you.
- Come on.

- Hi Ms. Romano.
(audience laughing)

Nice day.

- Hiya, kid.

Well, you don't
look any different.

(audience cheering)

- Mom, don't blame Bob.

It was my idea.

- But nothing happened,
that was both our ideas.

(audience laughing)

- Well Barbara, we are
going to have a long talk,

after Bob leaves.

- But nothing happened.

- Better not tell
your father that.

(audience laughing)

- I think you'd
better go home, Bob.

- Yes, ma'am, bye Barbara.

Nothing happened.

I didn't even get a chance
to mail my postcard.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, why'd you go to Chicago?

- To get some
attention around here.

- Pardon me?

- Well, I came home yesterday

with the lead in
the school play,

but did you pay
any attention, no!

All you cared
about was that Julie

was out getting herself
painted red and green.

That's why I ran off to Chicago.

Look, we checked into a
motel, but nothing happened.

Except when the
detective barged in.

(audience laughing)

We didn't get arrested.

Mom, isn't it possible
to get some attention

for the good things that I do?

- Hey wait a second, Barbara.

You've been getting
all the attention

ever since I can remember.

I mean, you were always
Grandpa's little garbanzo bean.

(audience laughing)

- Julie, shut up.

- See mom, you're
doing it again.

I come in here with a big,
long speech, I get nothing.

Julie says one line
and gets a "shut up."

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, are
you quite through?

You're right.
- What?

- Mm-hmm, I've been behaving
like the morning newspapers.

Bad news gets page
one, and good news gets

a tiny little column
somewhere on page 23.

I didn't realize that I'd
been neglecting you,

but now that I do realize that,

I'm gonna do everything
I can to make it up to you.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

In fact, we're gonna
have an opportunity

to spend a great deal of
time together, just you and me,

and you'll get all the attention
you could possibly want

for a whole month.
- A month?

- Mm-hmm, 'cause that's
how long you're grounded.

(audience cheering)

For doing a stupid,
frightening thing

like running off to Chicago.

- Come on, mom!

- See Barb, don't you just
love getting all this attention?

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- [Announcer] One Day
at a Time was recorded live

on tape before a
studio audience.

(jazzy theme music)