One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 18 - Ann's Competitor - full transcript

Ann has a new highly motivated competitor in her office, Miss Francine Webber.

♪ This is it this is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it this is it

♪ Straight and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while your
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll mud on through

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ So walk on the
street walk on the street

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Let's just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time na na na na na

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time na na na na na

♪ One day at a time

(audience laughing)

- Hey Romano what's
happening with the Indianapolis...

(Ann sneezing)
(audience laughing)

- Oh I'm sorry Mr. Davenport.

- Thank you now
my vest can breathe.

- This is not just the flu.

This is slow death.

- How slow?

You got time to
wrap up the campaign

for the symphony
fund before you die?

- Is that all you
can think about?

They symphony account?

- Oh Romano all I'm
thinking about is you.

Okay it happens that the
Indianapolis Symphony

is a very big account,
it also happens

that that big account
pays your salary.

Which helps to pay for
this drug store you got here.

What is this?

- You know what I think
that I'd better go home.

- Of course.

- Oh thank you.

- After six o'clock.

- Am I not entitled to
15 days sick leave?

- Romano why waist good
sick leave when you feel lousy?

(audience laughing)

Want to know where
99% of your flu starts?

I'll tell you right here
right in the old imagination.

- [Ann] The old imagination.

- Yes sure I'm telling you.

Newspapers come
out with a big headline

flu season starts today.

Nobody wants to miss out.

Everybody thinks they're sick.

- And last winter almost
200 people thought they died.

(audience laughing)

(Ann sneezes) (groaning in pain)

I don't feel good.

- Alright alright alright.

You really think
I'm the kind of guy

who expects people
to stay in the office

and work with a
bad case of the flu?

(audience laughing)

I want you to go home,
take care of yourself.

- [Ann] Thank you.

- I mean that.

- You mean that?

- Absolutely I want you to go
home take a couple of days.

Go to bed get plenty of rest.

While you're lying their resting

I want you to come up
with some socko ideas

for this symphony
fundraiser by Thursday.

(knocking on door)

- [Ann] Come in.

- Excuse me Ms. Romano
I'm Francine Webster and I...

Oh, oh I'm sorry Mr. Davenport.

- Who's this?

- Oh I work here.

- Oh you're the one.

I knew somebody did.

- I'm in media research
and this is my first week here.

Mr. Davenport I do
want you to know

what an honor it is to
work here for the company

that did the Super
Spring Mattress account.

- Hey Super Spring you
liked that campaign huh?

- Oh it was wonderful,
brilliant, so witty.


- Thank you...

- Oh Francine Webster.
- Francine.

- I'll always remember

a Super Spring mattress
the birth of a nation.

(audience laughing)

Whoever thought up
that gem is a real genius.

- I worked on that
campaign myself.

I wouldn't say genius exactly.

- Well I would.

- Who am I to argue?

- Francine I think you're
going to do very well here.

You wanted to see me
what can I do for you?

- Oh no no no I was
wondering if there

was something that
I could do for you.

You see I know I'm
new here but I did major

in public relations and well
I heard that you were sick

and that you have this deadline.

- Thank You Francine but no this

is something I've just
got to do by myself.

- Besides we got one female
account executive already.

That's our quota.

- A quota of one?

Even the President
of the United States

has got two women
in his cabinet.

- Yeah look at
it trouble he's in.

- You are saying no just
because she's a woman?

- You just said yourself
you couldn't use her.

- Well as it happens I
have changed my mind.

I am sick and she knows PR.

- It would be a disaster.

Two females cannot work
together that's a biological fact.

- A biological fact?

Oh that is really
dumb, that's dumb.

It's not true it
and we'll prove it.

You want me to get this
campaign going by Thursday?

- You'll get a campaign
laid out by Thursday?

- I'll try.

- You got her.

- Oh thank you Mr. Davenport
you are so very kind.

- Yeah.

Are these the actions
of a male chauvinist?

- No.

(audience laughing)

- Oh Ms. Romano how
can I possibly thank you?

You know I have
read your things and

well I guess this sounds
a little bit corny but

really you are sort of my model

the only woman
who's made it here.

- Well I'm going to be
out of here by Thursday

if I can't come up with an
approach to this symphony account

and I am really
sick with this flu.

- Well first you
are to get well.

You have to go home and
get a couple of days of rest.

- Oh yeah that's a very
good idea I like that.

- Say why don't I stop by
and work with you at night?

I mean you could you
know bounce ideas off of me

and then I could type them up.

- Oh I think that's good too.

That sounds good I like that.

- And don't worry
about anything.

(audience laughing)

Well I propose that they could

transfer your calls to my desk.

- Oh that's not necessary
you can work in here.

- Oh no no I just
couldn't do that.

- Oh well you're gonna be
helping me you might as well.

- Well alright.

(Ann sneezes)

Oh bless you.

- Thank you.

- Well I'll see you tonight.

- Oh if I'm alive.

- Oh bless you.

- Don't bother, goodbye.

- Bye.

(audience applauds)

- Come on now Ms. Romano.

Little of Schneider's
old fashioned

home remedy ain't
gonna hurt a bit.

- I really don't need it.

I fell better I've had
a couple of days rest.

- What's in that gunk anyway?

- Gunk?

This is 50% your
natural juices and herbs.

- And the other 50%?

- A little Alabama sunshine.

(audience laughing)

- Booze?

- Well let's just
say it this way.

If it doesn't knock out your flu

you're gonna have one big
bunch of very happy germs.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you Schneider
but I really don't want any.

- Come on now Ms.
Romano this here is delicious.

My grandmother
used to give me this

when I was a little bitty baby.

Pour some in the spoon
then you look up at the moon.

Now you open up your mouth
and the medicine goes south.

Yum yum yum.

(audience laughing)

Now you.

- No no no.

- If you want I'll
hold your nose.

- If you do I'll
break your toes.

- I'm just trying to
make you feel well.

- Schneider when
you were a little kid

I bet you played doctor a lot.

(audience laughing)

- What could I do?

Little girls came over
from blocks around.

- Schneider I really
don't want any of that.

I've had a lot of rest.

- Okay.

- A lot of rest?

Mom you've been working on this

symphony project
for two days straight.

- Yeah well it has to get done.

Besides I thought you two
girls are going to the movies.

- Oh we got plenty of time.

- Alright well you better let
me take a look at your throat.

- No.

- Come on Mommy
open up you're little mouth.

- Yeah it's the only way
you're gonna get rid of him.

- Come on let me see here.

I know all about this.

(all gasping)

(audience laughing)

Ms. Romano have you
ever been up the Amazon?

- No why?

- Because you
don't have the flu.

You got jungle rot.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider I appreciate you.

I think you're a terrific human
being, a very sweet person.

Would you get
the hell out of here?

- I knew that was coming.

Alright okay you got
no confidence in me.

Go on out and get a doctor.

Go ahead and get a
doctor but remember

I still make house calls.

(audience laughing)

- Oh hi.

(audience laughing)

- Hey I don't, I don't
believe we've met.

My name is Dr. Schneider.

(audience laughing)

I have offices in the basement
apartment number one.

Visiting hours rotate
according to one's needs.

(speaking in foreign language)

(audience applauds)

- [Ann] Hello Francine.

- Hello Francine.
- Hi Francine.

Come on let's go see Close
Encounter to the Third Kind.

- Wait a minute.

I thought you saw that
the other night with Robbie.

- No mom that was a close
encounter of the fourth kind.

- Come on.

- [Ann] Get out of here.

- [Francine] Goodbye you guys.

- [Ann] Have a good time.

I want a report.

- Well you look better
still a little pale though.

- As a matter of fact I
think I got this thing licked.

- Oh good but I wouldn't
hurry back to work too soon.

Mr. Davenport
wouldn't want that.

- Well you can
tell Mr. Davenport

that I'll be there
tomorrow afternoon

at two o'clock for the meeting.

I finally came up
with a terrific idea.

- Oh what is it?

- Okay get this a big concert.

The Indianapolis Symphony
will play a symphonic arrangement

of all of televisions
top commercial jingles.

- That is sensational.

- Yeah I think it's
pretty good too.

Here's some preliminary notes.

- Oh well I'll type them up.

- Okay now I've
got a potential list

of jingles and sponsors
in the bedroom.

I'll go get that and and
then we can discuss it okay.

(phone ringing)

- Oh I'll get it.

- Oh okay Francine thank you.

- Sure.


Oh hello Mr. Davenport
this is Francine.

Well I'm trying to keep
her going but you know

it's hard to be creative
when you're really sick.

Oh the staff meeting
has been changed

from two o'clock to 10
o'clock sure, sure I'll tell Ann.

Mr. Davenport I have an
idea a very commercial idea

that I think you
are going to love.

Yeah okay sure
10 o'clock right bye.

(audience applauds)

- Conner's even nodded.

For him that's a hooray.

The whole office is lapping
it up like it was cream.

- Oh well I'm just glad
that I was able to help.

- Help you kidding
your idea's sensational.

A jingle symphony.

- Thank you Jerry.

- Thank you Franny.

- Hello Mr. Davenport,
hi Francine.

- Hi.

- I heard you were
still very very sick.

What you doing here?

- No I feel a lot better anyway

I wanted to be here for
the meeting this afternoon.

After all it is my account.

That's right it
was your account.

- Was?

- Romano the meeting
was for 10 o'clock.

You didn't get the word?

- Oh no oh did I forget
to mention that to you?

How could I do that?

- Hey it doesn't matter.

This little girl really
carried the ball.

Her idea is fantastic.

- What idea?

- Franny's idea.

Get this Romani
you're gonna love it.

Okay now the entire
Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra

34 strings, oboes, harps,
the whole schmear anyway.

The house lights dim, the
conductor raises his baton,

and then a full symphonic
classic beautiful arrangement of

you asked for it
you got it Toyota.

And then the
woodwinds segue into

plop plop fizz fizz
oh what a relief it is.

(audience laughing)

And then the...

- The trombones
take it away with

the ring around the collar.

- Right you got it.

- I got it all right.

- Well you see I did
discuss this idea with Ann

so she certainly deserves
some of the credit.

- Some?

- A lot.

- Try all.

- Ann isn't this kind of petty
squabble beneath our dignity?

(audience laughing)

- Well now that I
think about it no.

- Look Annie this little rookie

scored a touchdown
first time out.

- Yeah with my ball.

Mr. Davenport this
whole thing is my idea.

- What does it matter
who gets the credit?

We're all a team here.

- Right.

And if it turns out great
I'll take the credit anyway.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Davenport...

- Romano I want you
two to work together

and get this presentation ready

for the symphony
board of directors.

I want it on paper
by tomorrow morning.

- You want me to
work with this woman?

(audience laughing)

- You asked for her
you got her Romano.

(audience applauds)

- I'll be in my office.

- Romano, our office.

(audience moaning)

(typewriter clacking)


(typewriter clacking)


(typewriter clacking)

Ms. Romano?

(typewriter clacking)


- What can I do for
you now Francine?

Get you a cup of coffee?

- Well aren't we bitter?

(audience laughing)

You know since we came in here

all you've done is
sit there pounding at

that typewriter with
your back to me.

- Oh well I just
thought it might be more

convenient this way
in case you wanted

to stick another knife in it.

- Okay okay so I took
advantage of an opportunity.

You're the one who
screamed at Davenport

about equality for women.

Well now we're equal partner.

We're on the same level.

- Francine if I
were on your level

I'd have to walk up three
flights to get to the sewer.

(audience applauds)

- My you are so
clever with words.

What have you written?

- What have I written?

This is your epitaph
would you like to hear it?

- Oh Ann.

- Here she lies and
lies, and lies and lies.

But she'll be dead
when he gets wise.

- Ann Mr. Davenport is not
interested in who did what.

All he cares about
is his presentation.

We have got to get it written.

- Wrong, you have
got to get it written.

You wanted this
account you've got it.

- But you've got to
help we're a team.

- You're right Francine
we are a team 50/50.

My idea your presentation.

- But writing isn't
really my talent.

Maybe working
really isn't your talent.

- I need a partner.

- Right Bonnie you need Clyde.

(Ann pretends to
cough and sneeze)

Oh dear.

(Ann pretends to
cough and sneeze)

I think I'm having a relapse.

(audience applauds)

- Well you can't leave.

What would Mr. Davenport say?

- Oh I think that you
handled that already Francine.

I'm very very sick remember?

(Ann pretends to cough)

Anyway he has a great
deal of confidence in you.

He'll probably say it's
your ball Fran baby.


(audience applauds)

- I think about it I boil.

- Easy mom calm down.

- I am calm Barbara.

- I'm Julie.

- Whoever.

- Mom you're not
gonna let Francine

blow this whole account are you?

- Why not, she got
herself into this mess.

- Right hoist on her own petard.

(audience laughing)

- What does that mean?

- Nobody knows.

(audience laughing)

- What it means is that
Francine does not know

the first thing about
classical music.

She probably thinks
that Beverly Hills

is a town right
outside of Los Angeles.

- Isn't it?

(audience laughing)

- Ms. Romano I know how
much you dig long haired music

but if this symphony should
fall on it's Aria so to speak

I just hope you're
not cutting off

your nose in spite of your face.

That's what I hope.

(audience laughing)

- Okay does anybody here
blame me for not working

on that account after
what they did to me?

- Of course not.

The heck with
Connors and Davenport.

- Right.

- Of course
Mr. Davenport was the one

who gave me the chance
to be an account executive.

But I'd be a fool to
go down there now.

I mean I'd have
to work all night

to get a decent
presentation ready.

- Exactly, forget it mom.

- If only it wasn't a big
benefit for the symphony.

But that's just
not my worry now.

- That's right the heck
with the symphony.

- Absolutely I mean I just think

that the whole thing
is ridiculous I really do.

I mean if anybody thinks that
I'm gonna lose a nights sleep

they have just got another
thing coming that's all.

- [Barbara] Right fat chance.

- I just don't care that's all.

I mean the way that they
have been treating me

I don't even care
about that symphony.

- Really mom forget
about the symphony.

You don't know a thing
to Connors and Davenport.

- Absolutely do you think I care

if they don't think I'm loyal?

Do you think I care if they
think that I'm being a quitter?

Do you think they care?

Do you think I care
about any of this?

Don't wait up for me
(audience applauds)

- Ann you've
been here all night.

Well I knew you
wouldn't let us down.

You've been working
on our presentation.

- Wrong, I've been
working on my presentation.

- Well what do you mean?

- I mean it has my
name on it alone.

- Well that's not fair.

- Good morning
ladies it's nine o'clock.

Where's the presentation?

- Oh Ann can you believe that?

It's morning already,
ooh what a night.

We really put in the hours.

- Who'd you put yours in with?

(cheering and applauding)

- Romano you look
like an unmade bed.

- Thank you.

- Come on where is it let's go.

I want to see this.

It's only got one
name on it yours.

- Well Mr. Davenport
there's a reason for that.

You wanna tell him Francine?

- Oh yes well you
see Ann is so familiar

with the symphony
and I just didn't want

to cut in on her
account so I let her

put her name on
the presentation.

- Okay alright.

Well I gotta tell you
this looks sensational.

Clean concise,

a little poetry little
bull, nice mixture.

That's just great work Francine.

- Francine?

- Yeah you know something?

I'm just beginning to
realize how valuable she is.

I hate to break to
you like this Romano

but you're gonna have to work on

the symphony account all alone.

I'm moving Francine
up into hardware.

- Hardware?

- Yeah yeah, now
I'll get your desk

and all your stuff moved
over to Charlie's office.

He needs a lot of help on the
Handyman Hardware account.

So you just go on
over to Charlie's office

and you tell him that you're
working with him starting now.

- Oh well thank you Jerry.

- Congratulations.

- Hardware?

- Okay what gives?

- Hey come on I'm an old
newspaper man remember.

She's not creative
and she can't write.

- You know what she is.

- Romano in the Navy there
was a word for dames like that.

- What was it?

- How would I know I
was in the Air Force?

(audience laughing)

- Okay there's something
I don't understand.

You know that
Francine is a phony

and yet you're
moving over to Charlie.

- I didn't say she didn't
have a certain talent.

She got you on the ball.

Just imagine the fire
she'll light under Charlie.

- It's vicious but it's clever.

- Thank you.

- Hey what do you mean
she got me on the ball?

I had a very bad
case of the flu.

- Ooh yeah but you
got over it so fast.

Nothing cures a fever like
a real good sweat right?

(audience laughing)

- Hey genius.

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

- [Bonnie] One Day at a
Time was recorded live

on tape before a
studio audience.

(upbeat music)