One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 3, Episode 15 - Ann's Secretary - full transcript

Ann's latest secretary is supposedly a former drug user.

♪ This is it this is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a
time one day at a time

♪ One day at a time da da da da

♪ One day at a time

(rhythmic knocking)

- Come in, Schneider.

(audience laughs)

- How'd you know it was me?

- Well it was either you
or Woody Woodpecker.

(audience laughs)

- That's cute.

What are you doing?

Sorting a little laundry?

- No, I played strip
poker last night.

I'm counting my winnings.

(audience laughs)

- You're into a new
phase aren't you?

(audience laughs)

When's your mom
going to be home?

- She's out shopping with Julie,

she'll be back any minute.

- She will huh?

I tell ya, I really hate to

butt into other
people's business.

But I've taken it upon myself

to help your mom
solve a problem.

- You got Paul
Newman's phone number.

(audience laughs)

- Not that problem.

(audience laughs)

The problem of hiring a
new secretary for the office.

- Take a number
and wait your turn.

Julie's pushing some
friend of hers for the job.

- Hey I ain't worried
about competition.

I've got an A number
one candidate for the job.

A certain Hortense Guersey.

(audience laughs)

- You know a cow that can type?

(audience laughs)

- It's Guersey not Guernsey.

(audience laughs)

And I wish your mom
would hurry home.

Hortense's bus is double parked.

(audience laughs)

- She drives a bus?

- Only at night.

She daylights as a meter maid.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- Hi!

I'm Hortense Guersey
from the state of New Jersey!

Which proves it ain't all flat.

(audience laughs)

- Hey Horsey, get
in over here will ya?

Come on you son
of a gun, how are ya?

This is Barbara, that's
Mrs. Romano's daughter.

She's gonna put a
good word in for you.

- Oh I am very glad to meet you.

See he calls me Horsey

'cause he likes to
horse around a lot.

(audience laughs)

- Giddy up.

(audience laughs)

- I'm so excited about this job!

- Would you like to sit down?

- Oh no thank you,
I mean you know

between my meter
maid cart and the bus,

I spend most of my life on my...

- Aspirations.

(audience laughs)

- Well then, would
you like something

to drink while you're waiting?

- I'll take a double.
- Double tea!

And I'll have a single coffee.

- Coming up.

- Duaney I really
could use a shot.

I mean I never had a job
interview with a woman before.

I mean I'm gonna be
judged just on my merits!

(audience laughs)

- Well I wouldn't worry,
you'll measure up.

(audience laughs)

- I am so nervous!

Oh I gotta powder
my nose or I'll bust!

- All right, get right
in here Horsey huh?

Right straight back.
- Oh thanks.

Hey Barb, hold
the tea I'm gonna...

- Freshen up!

(audience laughs)

- She is something else.

- Yeah, reminds me of
a young Julie Andrews.

(audience laughs)

- Mom I tell you, Leslie can

take dictation in
three languages.

- I have enough
trouble dictating in one.

- Mom, she only
takes lunch at her desk

while she sorts the mail!

- Julie, this secretary
is for Mr. Davenport.

Hello Schneider.

He's a very difficult
man to please.

It's going to be very hard
to find the right secretary.

- Have you ever thought of
looking in your own bathroom?

(audience laughs)

- What?

- Leave not this spot.



- [Hortense] What?

- We're ready whenever you are!

- [Hortense] Be right out!

- Who is that?

- That is just the
dynamite little lady

who is going to be
your new secretary,

and I really want
you to meet her, so

here's Horsey!

(audience laughs)

- Hi, I'm Hortense
Guersey, known as Horsey.

Would I work for you?

Oh yes of coursey!

(audience laughs)

- You want to talk about wit?

(audience laughs)

Well Ms. Romano
I can see that your

problems are all over.

- Um Ms. Guersey why don't
you just send me your resume?

- What's a resume?

(audience laughs)

- Well it's a list of all
your accomplishments.

- You mean you want
me to put them on paper?

(audience laughs)

- That's not a resume,
that's a bestseller.

(audience laughs)

Come on Horsey, let's
go down to my place

and we'll work on your resume.

- Yeah but don't try
adding another chapter.

- Hey, I'm no writer.

I work with my hands.

(audience laughs)


- Mom clothes are all put away.

- Oh good.

- Mom what about Leslie?

She's great with people

and she knows all
the office machines.

She makes coffee
better than Joe DiMaggio.

(audience laughs)

- How about experience?

- Haha, you want
experience, get Horsey.

(audience laughs)

- You know how hard it is

for young people
to get work today.

Their only chance is
to get an opportunity

from some young,
beautiful, intelligent,

progressive, emancipated,
enlightened woman of our century.

- Boy if we could
shovel that into bags

we could keep America green.

(audience laughs)

- All right Julie, all right.

I'll see her, but
no promises okay?

Tell her to be into my office
at 10 tomorrow morning.

- Oh that's great,
I told her nine.

- 10, what's her last name?

- Cook, Leslie Cook.

- Leslie Cook?

Boy that name sounds familiar.

What have I heard about her?

- Oh, nothing
and if you've heard

anything I'm sure it's
great, believe me really.

- Get Ferguson on the
phone, type these up

and get me a cup
of coffee, black.

Where's the new secretary,
on vacation already?

- I haven't hired one yet.

- God made the world
in six days, Romano.

What's your hangup?

Move your butt.

- Mrs. Shadow,
please come on in.

(audience laughs)

- Please, sit down.

(audience laughs)

This is really some resume.

- Is this the first time
you've ever hired someone?

- Well yes, why?

- You didn't introduce yourself.

- Oh I'm sorry,
I'm Ann Romano...

- And how long have you worked
for Connors and Davenport?

(audience laughs)

- Two years.

- And what are the
company's retirement benefits.

- Well probably similar to...

- And accrued pension moneys?

What percentage follows
one to one's next employment?

- I know that!

I got the answer to
that, wait a minute.

It's here, it's in my desk,
I've got it it's in a book.

Wait a minute, oh here.

See it's personnel
accrued pension...

- Ms. Romano.

I'm afraid this office
could not adequately use

a seasoned executive secretary.

I'm sorry.

Let me do one
thing, so you can see

how it ought to be done.

With authority.

(audience laughs)

Leslie Cook!

Good hunting.


- Hello Leslie, come on in.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- Please sit down.

Well, Leslie.

I barely need to
read this resume,

Julie's told me so
much about you.

- Well she's told me
a lot about you too

and I'd love to work for you.

- Well thank you,
but you'd basically

be working for Mr. Davenport.

And I've got to warn
you, he's a male chauvinist

and mercilessly demanding.

- Well, I'm sure that he must
have some good qualities.

- Those are his good qualities.


It says here that you type 90
words a minute, is that true?

- Yes it's true.

- Well lady you are a find.

How come you haven't
been snapped up before this?

- Uh well I was actually...

- Romano what's
going on out here?

Didn't you hire anybody yet?

- Well, Mr. Davenport,
as a matter of fact

I'm seriously considering
this young lady here.

- She any good?

- She seems very well qualified.

- You pregnant?

- Mr. Davenport it
is against the law

to ask that question
at job interviews.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

- I don't see a cop.

(audience laughs)

You pregnant?

- No.
- Good, hire her.

(audience laughs)

- You're hired.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Well that's great!

When do I start?

- Get Ferguson on the
phone, type these up,

and get me a cup
of coffee, black!


- Barbara you're wrong!

Now Leslie is my friend
and she needs that job!

- You mean you're going to keep

something like this from Mom?

You know she could lose her job.

- Barbara, this is
none of your business,

you don't know what
you're doing, just please...

- Well, did Barbara
tell you the news?

I hired Leslie!

(audience laughs)

I'm gonna do that again,

you know I'm
gonna take it a little.

(audience laughs)

I come in and I say
Barbara tell you the news?

I hired Leslie and then
Julie see you go crazy and...

What's going on?

- Barbara, if you tell
Mom I'll never forgive you.

- Julie I'm sorry.

I have to.

Mom it's about Leslie.

She's a doper.

Half the school knows.

I've heard about her sitting
in class all spaced out.

- What does that prove?

You spend half
your life that way!

(audience laughs)

- Julie.

Is this true?

- Mom, they are rumors,
just stupid rumors.

Leslie is my friend, I know her,

and she is not a doper.

Now whose word
are you going to take?

Mine or Barbara's?


- Yeah, uh-huh.

Sure, okay well thank you.


- Morning Leslie.

- Oh good morning Ms. Romano.

I sorted your mail and I
made that appointment

for 11:30 with Mr. Hall and
you have three messages.

- Good, Leslie would you
come into my office please?

- Mr. Davenport wanted
me to get this out right away.

- Well you'll have
to let that wait.

I want to talk to you,

it's important and
it's very personal.

- Romano would you
stop bothering the help?

I finally got a girl who
can get some work done

around here, so let's get some
work done around here huh?

I'll never learn,
you get two hens,

put 'em in a henhouse,
they start cackling

and they forget to lay eggs.

Type, type, type.

And get me a cup
of coffee, black.

- Mr. Davenport, I want to
talk to Leslie, it's personal.

- I knew it, she's pregnant!

(audience laughs)

She's been here two days,

she'll have the baby on
the company health plan.

- It has nothing to
do with pregnant,

I just need to talk to her.

- And I need to
get out two weeks

backlogged correspondence
Romano, type type type!

Go go go.

- Leslie, as soon as
you're through with that

would you come
into my office please?

- As soon as she's
through with that

I've got a whole lot more
of that for her to take care of!

Leslie I don't want
you to leave this desk

until you're finished
with this work okay?

Give me a cup of coffee, black.

(phone rings)

Where are you going, answer
the phone, answer the phone.

Hey you're doing good, kid.

- Thank you.

(phone ringing)

- Leslie, Leslie the phones!

Good morning,
Connors and Davenport.

Ah, Mr. Connors look,
Mr. Connors hold on.

Morning Connors and
Davenport, Barbara hold on.

Morning Connors and Davenport.

Yes, I'll tell him.

Certainly, goodbye.

Hello sweetheart.

Mr. Connors, no
you're not sweetheart.

(audience laughs)

It was a natural
mistake, my daughter,

Barbara she has a husky
voice and I just thought it was,

Mr. Connors look
something has come up here.

Can I get back to you?

Thanks, yeah.

Barbara I can't talk
right now, goodbye.


- Oh the phone.

Hello, Connors and Daven...


Isn't that funny?

- No, not very.

Leslie, what went on just now?

- Well, I was going
to get the telephone...

- Leslie, you were sitting there

staring into space.

- Oh?

- Leslie you were
on some kind of trip.

- No I wasn't on
any kind of a trip!

- What are you taking, downers?

- Oh this whole
thing is a downer.

- Leslie look, I'm not equipped

to deal with this kind of
problem, you need help right,

but Connors and Davenport
is not the place to deal...

- That's right, that's
right, that's right

this is no place for
any kind of a problem.

Goodbye Ms. Romano.

- Mom, how could
you fire Leslie?

She needed that job!

- Julie, I saw her take a pill

and then minutes later
she was spaced out.

- Pills don't work that fast!

Mom you don't know
anything about pills!

- All I know is...
(audience laughs)

How do you know
so much about pills?

- Well, I have a friend

who knows somebody.

- Well I just fired somebody.

- Mom, Leslie is not on dope.

- She sure isn't
on marshmallows.

(audience laughs)

- And where'd you know
so much about dope, twerp?

- I've got friends too,
and a friend of mine's

cousin's uncle is a narc.

(audience laughs)

- I gotta go to
more PTA meetings.

(audience laughs)

- Barbara just shut up okay?

Now if you hadn't opened
your mouth in the first place,

none of this would
have even happened!

- Julie, come on!

What are you getting
so emotional about?

And why do you keep
on defending Leslie?

- I can't tell you, Mom.

I swore I wouldn't tell
and I never break my word.

- Did I hear right?

(audience laughs)

- Barbara, back off.

- Julie what's going on?

- Mom please.

- Julie, I fired that girl and
she is going to stay fired

unless I hear some
very good reasons

why I should change my mind.

- All right.

Now I promised Leslie that I
wouldn't say this to anybody,

but I will say it to my
mother and my sister.

But only to save my
friend, and save her job.

Leslie is an epileptic.

- Julie!

Why didn't you tell me?

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Because I gave my word!

Now Mom what you probably
saw in your office today,

it must have been a seizure.

- But Julie she didn't fall
down or have convulsions...

- What you saw was the
kind of seizure Leslie has,

and she hasn't had
one in over two years!

She has it under
control with medication.

And with those pills you
were so worried about,

with the help of those
pills most epileptics

can do anything that
almost anybody else can do!

- Well then why didn't she stop

the rumors about
her being a doper?

- Because Barbara,
she'd rather be known

as a doper than an epileptic.

Oh yeah you can pop pills
and you can smoke grass

and drink like a
fish and who cares?

But tell somebody
you're an epileptic

and suddenly you're
an outcast and a freak.

- Oh boy.

I feel stupid.

- Can't have stupid,
I got dibs on that.

(audience laughs)

- You've always
had dibs on that.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- Leslie hi.

- Hi Ms. Romano.

- Please, come on in.

- Hi Les.

- Leslie...

- Ah, Leslie I'm
sorry but I've got,

I had to tell them.

- You told them?

Told them what?

- Well that you have epilepsy.

- Where'd you ever
get that crazy idea?

I don't know why she'd
say a thing like that.

Julie I thought you were
my friend, that's terrible!

- But, but Leslie it's
okay, Mom understands.

- There is nothing
to understand!

I am not an epileptic
and if you don't believe me

you can call my mother,
she always denies it, she's...


Okay I, I am an epileptic.

But if you call my
mother, she will deny it.

She won't even say the word.

- Oh Leslie it's all right.

- No it isn't.

Ms. Romano, I
wanted that job so badly

that I came here because I
wanted to tell you the truth,

but when I saw you just
staring at me like that I,

I knew what you were thinking!

You're just scared to
death that the next minute

I'll be lying on the floor rolling
around like some mad dog.

- Leslie don't say that.

- Why not?

They used to think
epileptics were witches

and they burned them at the
stake, nothing has changed.

- Leslie, we understand.

- Oh you couldn't
possibly understand.

There are almost two
million of us in this country

and almost all of us
are taught to lie about it.

- Leslie I think you could have

given us a little
more credit, huh?

I mean if I had
known you were...

- You know now.

Are you gonna hire me back?

- Well, first I have to
tell Mr. Davenport...

- Step one, pass the buck.

- I'm sure he'll understand.

- Step two, they'll understand.

- Leslie, there are certain
situations under which...

Well I mean part of your
work is as a receptionist...

I think that there might be
certain clients who might not...

You see I just think
it might be better

if we found you a
different kind of job.

- Step three, hide
her in the closet.

- Leslie my mom
didn't mean it like that.

- How did you mean it Mom?

- Hey.

Take it easy girls, huh?

I've never had to deal with
this kind of disease before.

- It isn't a disease!

It's a condition.

You can't catch it.

But all you have to hear

is the word epileptic
and you panic.

Isn't that what happened Ms.
Romano when you heard the word?

- No!

My mother isn't like that.

- She really isn't
Les, she was just...

- Girls.

Leslie's right.

I heard the word

epileptic and I reacted just
the way she said I would.


I'm not very proud of myself.

- Well then is the whole
situation here settled?

Leslie gets her job back?

- Well I think that we have
to be fair to Leslie, huh?

I mean Mr. Davenport's
not the easiest man

in the world to work for,

put a lot of pressure
on you this morning.

- The pressure came from you!

When you came into
the office this morning

I was sure that
you had found out.

That was the pressure.

- I see.

- I just wanted the job so much.

- Well.

- Oh you've got the job.

- Would you let me say it?

(audience laughs)

- You've got the job!

(audience laughs)

- You've got the job.

- I got the job?

- [Girls] Yeah!

- Please, report
to the office...

- At nine o'clock.
- Sharp!

- Would you let me say it?

(audience laughs)

Nine o'clock sharp.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Uh Les?

I'll call you later huh?

- Okay.


- Well well well.

- Mom?

Are you gonna tell
Mr. Davenport about Leslie?

- No that's Leslie's decision.

Her only obligation
is to do her job.

- Do you think she'll tell him?

- Would you?


(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] One Day
at a Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(upbeat music)