One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Singles Bar - full transcript

Ann and her friend Ginny try the singles bar scene.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Oh ma, are you sure
you're gonna be okay now?

- Yeah ma, we don't
wanna leave you alone

by yourself again.

- Oh now, you've
got to be kidding.

I mean I love these
weekends alone.

I call them peace and quiet.

(audience laughs)

- You're sure now?
- I'm absolutely sure.

You know I'm very
happy when you go

and visit your
father, and Vicky.

And I'm even happier
when you come home

and tell me how much
weight she has gained.

(audience laughs)

- Meow.

(Julie hisses)

- Hey kids, I'm
waitin' to take ya down

to the bus station.

- Okay girls, come
on get a move on.

- Hey, wait a second.

There's no rush.

He's not a cab driver,
he's a friend of mine

and he's not going
to put the flag down

until you get down there.

- Schneider, is there
anybody in Indianapolis

who isn't a friend of yours?

- Well, maybe there's one or two

but as you know, I
am quite adorable.

- I think we can go now.

- You can.


- What have you got in here?

- Well, we had to
pack all our heavy stuff

cause we might go skiing.

- What'd you do,
pack your own snow?

(audience laughs)

- Goodbye, Mom.

- Goodbye, Julie.

- Bye, Mom.

- Goodbye, Barbara,
have a good time.

- [Both Girls] Bye Mom.

- Bye girls.

- Goodbye John
Boy, let's get going.

(audience laughs)

- Ah, you're on your way.

Well, have a ball.

- Bye, Ginny.

- Hi, Schneider.

- Good morning, Ms. Wrobliki.

Excuse me.

- Good morning, Ms. Wrobliki.

Excuse me.

What's that all about?

- His nose is out of joint.

I had to break our
regular Thursday night

bowling and pizza date.

My ex-husband called
and wanted to see me.

- Frank?

- No, George.

- Ah.

That's the one who gambles.

- Mm, that's why he
wanted to see me.

He, he says after
all these years

he's through with it.

He's never going
to gamble again.

- That's terrific.

- Mm, he bet me 10
bucks he could do it.

(audience laughs)

So you're all
alone this weekend,

what are you gonna
do with yourself?

- Well, first, I'm
going to wash my hair.

Then I'm going to
kick off my shoes

and curl up with a good book.

- I curled up with a book once.

The Agony and the Ecstasy.

- Well, did you like it?

- I skipped the agony and
went straight to the Ecstasy.

(audience laughs)

Ann, I was thinking.

You have nothing to do tonight.

Maybe you ought to
come down to the bar

where I work.

It's quite a joint.

You might enjoy yourself.

- (sighs) Thanks, Ginny.

But no, I'm kinda looking
forward to a quiet evening.

- Another quiet
evening at home, hmm?

- Yep.

- Ann, you know I think
you're a swell kid, don't ya?

- Yeah.

- And I can speak
to you like a sister?

- Sure.

- You're becoming
about as interesting

as a liverwurst sandwich.

(audience laughs)

Listen to you, yeah, sure, huh.

You can't even carry
on a conversation.

You can't sit home
night after night

washing your hair.

You're gonna
get all the red out.

(audience laughs)

- Cute.

- You gotta get out
and have some fun.

Like down at my bar.

Oh sure, there are a few creeps

you bump into now and then,

but most of the
guys are real nice.

A good-looking doctor
came in last night.

Some lucky girl got her
knees tapped for free.

(audience laughs)

- Ginny, I'm just not too wild

about going to a single's bar.

(Ann sighs)

- Well, this is a
place to make friends.

- It's just, not my thing.

- Oh, I get it.

You're too good for it.

- No, look, I didn't say that.

- I'm surprised
we're even friends.

You a big executive
and me serving drinks

in a sawed off tutu.

(audience laughs)

- Some big executive.

My office is smaller
than your tutu.

- I apologize for
even bringing it up.

- Ginny, look.

I wouldn't mind dropping in.

- It's not for you.

- I wanna come.

- I'm not sure I
want you there now.

(audience laughs)

- Come on.

- Well, I can't
guarantee you a doctor.

(Ann laughs)

- You don't have to
guarantee me anything.

- How's your overbite problem?

There's an orthodontist
comes in every Friday night.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Ginny.

How about a mechanic?

My car needs a tuneup,
you have no idea.

(both laugh)

(background chatter)

- [Male Customer] Hey, Ginny.

- Another beer?

- No, thanks.

- One beer in an
hour and a half.

What are you doing,
drinking it with a fork?

(audience laughs)

- Don't rush me, doll.

I'm not ready to
make my move yet.

- I hope it's before
New Year's Eve.

(audience laughs)

(Ginny yelps)

How come your
hands are never out

when the check comes?

(audience laughs)

- Your place or mine?

- Yours.

- Oh, by the way, I'm Linda.

- I'm Pete.

- Hi, Pete.

- Hi, Linda.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, Red.

You looking for company?

I can get us a table.

- Oh, no, thank you,
I'm visiting a friend.

- Uh, if you ever have
any dental problems,

here's my card.

(audience laughs)

- Thanks.

Oh, uh, excuse, I'm sorry.

♪ Back in the saddle again

(audience applauds)

- Excuse me, honey, are you...

What are you doing here?

- Ginny asked me to drop by.

What are you doing here?

- Well, a conscientious
man always goes

where he's needed most.

- Not afraid of the
competition, huh?

- These guys don't
scare me none.

I've got what you call suavity,

or as the French
say, pate de foie gras.

- That's an appetizer.

- That's exactly what I am.

- Hey, Schneider, have
you seen Ginny yet?

I haven't seen her.

- No, I haven't,
and I don't intend to,

she had her shot.

Now, I'm gonna do
what the president said

and spread the wealth around.

And there's a very
needy case right there.

- Schneider, would
you do me a favor?

Would you kind of
stick with me for a while

until I kind of get used to
the place and everything?

- Ms. Romano, I am not
a set of training wheels.

(audience laughs)

However, I will
keep an eye on you

as I circulate around.

- Hi, sugar, you made it.

- Hi, Ginny, it's
good seeing you.

- I see you brought
Dwayne along for protection.

- No she didn't, I'm staging it.

- Oh?

- As a matter of fact,
there's a young lady

over at the bar
who's been giving me

the eye, I think I'll
just saunter over there

and let her have a close up.

- He's here to make you jealous.

- I can tell.

His mustache is drooping.

Come on, let me
find you a table.

- Okay.

- I wanted the boss to meet you,

but he's in the back
watering the booze.

Let me see, oh,
there's a good seat.

- Oh, excuse me.

- Well, what do you
think of the place?

- It's nice,
Ginny, it really is.

It's colorful.

- I knew you'd be crazy
about it once you got here.

This is my world.

You see that couple over there?

They're married,
anything goes here.

Now, what'll you have?

- Oh, I don't know.

- Want something tall
and cool or something

short and snappy?

- Oh, I'm not ready
to meet men yet.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I was
referring to the drinks.

- Oh, of course.

Ginny, a glass of white wine.

- Fine, I hope you're
not fussy about the year,

our stuff is aged on the truck.

- Excuse me, is this seat taken?

- Oh, yes, yes.

- Oh, sorry, lady.

- You see that foxy
one over there?

I think I'm about
to make my move.

- Charlie, I know at
least three glaciers

that move faster than you.

- You want to know something?

All you guys do is talk.

Now, why don't you watch
the master make a real move.

(clears throat)

Excuse me, my dear,
my antenna picked up

your signal the
minute I got near you.

- Hey, Roy, why
don't you ride off

into the sunset
and feed trigger?

- Now look, we all
know that women give off

these vibrations when
they see an exciting man.

- Keep it up,
partner, and I'm going

to break your antenna.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'm sorry, I
really don't want to leave

this early, however,
I'll keep your number

in case I need a
partner for bowling.

- Struck out, huh?

- Struck out?

I bailed out.

Got married
written all over her.

- I beg your pardon,
is this seat taken?

- Oh, no, no.

- Thank you.

Hi, I'm Bill.

- Hi.

- You know, you really don't
look like you belong here.

You look like a
very together lady.

- Yeah.

- Isn't this awful?

It's like taking a
number at a meat market

when there's a
sale on pot roast.

Say, can I buy you a drink?

- Oh, no thank
you, I have a drink.

- Please, please, I'm
celebrating something

very special tonight.

- What's that?

- Meeting someone like
you at a place like this.

- Stop.

- Your loss.

- What happened, why
did you let him get away?

He looked cute.

- He had a cute line too.

- Anne, you gotta play the game.

If it gets too rough,
you can always

go to the little girls
room, we serve drinks

in there too.

- Hey, sweet
stuff, another beer.

- I thought he'd never ask.

- Come on, let's
get out of here.

I mean, these
chicks are strictly from

the American Kennel Club.

- Do I detect the
sound of sour grapes?

I am only trying to
educate you guys.

Now, why don't you just
watch and see how it's done.

(clears throat)

Has anybody ever told you
that you have hair like spun gold?

(audience laughs)

And excellent teeth.


(audience laughs)

- Can I buy you a drink?

I'm celebrating something
very special tonight.

- Celebrating, well, what?

- Meeting someone like
you in a place like this.

- Here's something
for the munchies.

- Thanks.

Ginny, wait a minute.

Could you tell me,
do women always fall

for a line that
guys like that give?

- Well, only if they want to.

Oh, okay, so he's
a lemon, listen,

you could meet a dynamite
guy tonight, you never know.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, there you go with
that wonderful conversation.

Come on, loosen up, Anne, smile.

That's more like it.

Oh look, here comes that doctor.

I'll introduce you.

(audience applauds)

- I will now demonstrate an
approach which I first used

in the United States Army.

I understand that it is still
being talked about in Paris.

(clears throat)

Pardon me, my dear.

I represent a non-profit
organization which awards

door prizes in all the clubs.

All you've gotta do is
answer one question correctly,

and you win the door prize.

- What question?

- Are you alone?

- Phil.

- You win and I
am the door prize.

- You lose, I am the husband.

- Well, isn't that something.

What a wonderful couple.

I bet you live in a motor home.

How are you there, carrot top?

- Okay, how are you doing?

- Oh, sensational, I wanna
tell you, I'm fighting them off.

It's really incredible.

See that girl at the bar?

- Yeah.

- She's married
to the bartender.

She made a pass at me.

That's a sad, sad,
commentary on today's mores.

Thank goodness that I
have my own code of ethics.

Besides, I know the
guys lifts weights.

See you later.
- See ya.

- Hi, sugar plumb.

- Hi.

I have ringworm.

(audience laughs)

- Funny.

Hey, doll, bring funny
here another drink.

- You buying?

- Are you crazy?

Maybe you haven't
heard, but this is the age

of women's liberation.

- Listen, skeezicks,

I don't want you to give
cheapness a bad name.

Besides, the lady
happens to be my sister.

- Oh, I beg your
pardon, your ladyship.

(audience laughs)

- You almost lost
your wall-to-wall.

(audience laughs)

- You've got no class.

- Thank you, Ginny.

- No sweat.

- You know, you guys,
you lack the one ingredient

that a successful man,
if he's gonna spend his...

Hey, where are you going?

Hey, I'm just, come on.

- Hi, mustache.

I'm Phyllis McDermot
and I like your gender.

What are you doing tonight?

- Well, I'm just,
uhh, on my way, uhh.

I'm just on my way
home, I'm gonna go to bed,

I'm in training for the
Moscow Olympics.

- Well, if you're into
weightlifting, I'm your girl.


- Actually, I'm a
long distance runner,

and I think I better
get going now.

- Freeze.

Now, you guess what
I've got in my hands

and I'll let you take me home.

- Oh, well, I'm not good at...
- Guess.

- Oh, let's see, you
have the Eiffel Tower.


- That's close enough, let's go.

- As a matter of fact, Ms.
McDermott, I would love to,

but I've got a date.

- Yeah, where?

- Oh, right over here.

The young lady with
the long blonde hair.

- Goldilocks forgot to shave.

Hi there, I'm Phyllis McDermott
and I like your gender.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- The joint was really
jumping tonight, wasn't it?

- The join was really
jumping, oh man.

I haven't heard that
one since, in a long time.

- Why did I ever
tell him I was 34?

I'll never get away with it.

- Oh, come on, we all
shave off a couple of years.

No crime in that.

- Bill's taking me home.

- Who?

- You know, the handsome
guy who sat down with you.

- Bill.

- Oh, I hope you're not mad.

Like they say, all's fair
in love and war, right?

He's a real gentleman.

You know what he said?

He said he could tell
I'm not the ordinary

singles bar type.

Then he said he
wanted to buy me a drink,

that he had
something to celebrate.

And I said, oh year,
what are you celebrating,

and he said, meeting
someone like you

in a place like this.

- I don't doubt it,
you're a knockout.

- You don't have to
patronize me, damn it,

I know what he is.

- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to say any...

- You certainly can
play that holier than thou

with an angel baby face
and understanding smile.

- Look, I didn't
mean to say anything.

- Look, you're new around here.

Wait until you're
one of the regulars.

You'll find out this is a
very nice place to meet men.

- Well, I'm sure it is.

- Well, maybe it isn't.

Eats a TV dinner
and a late show.

I mean, look, I'm
still fairly young

and I'm still fairly attractive,

I've got a good job,
and with any luck at all,

I still may meet Mr. Right.

- Everyone's lonely.

- I'm sorry.

If we weren't lonely, we
wouldn't be here, right?

Well, you know, I know two
girls who met men in here

and got marries, so
don't get discouraged.

- You know, I don't know
if I want to marry again.

- Why not?

- The man I was married
to treated me like a child.

- That sounds terrific.

I think the thing I hate
most about being single

is having to decide
everything by myself.

Oh my god, I told Bill
I'd only be a minute,

I hope he didn't leave
with somebody else.

- Oh, I'm sure he didn't.

- Oh, but you don't
understand, it's past midnight,

I met be left alone.

Hi, Bill.

- Oh, hi...

- Ellie.
- Ellie.


- Yeah, sure.

- Mind if I sit down?

I'm Jim.

- Okay.

- Buy you a drink?

- Sure.

- Hey, do you like Fred Waring?

- Oh sure, everybody
likes Fred Waring.

- I got a lot of his
records at my place.

- Sounds good,
let's skip the drink.

- Okay.

(audience applauds)

- Well, I guess you had
a bad evening, sugar.

I'm sorry I asked you to come.

- I'm not.

- You're not?

- Nope.

Ginny, my love, I have
a confession to make.

I was kind of a snob
about places like this.

I felt that I was above it all.

But oh boy, I'm glad I stayed.

I found out how much
people need other people,

and it made me realize
how much I have going,

my kids, my work,
friends like you.

And slowly, but surely,
dear lord, myself.

- And don't forget our
friend, Dwayne Schneider.

- No, I won't forget Schneider.

- Oh, look, there's
no joy in Mudville.

The mighty Schneider
has struck out.

- Hi.

- Hi, how are you, how are you?

- Okay, how are you doing?

- Oh, I tell you, this
place really swings.

- Well, handsome,
you want to split?

- Oh, uh, my place or yours?

- Both.

(audience laughs)

- Well, when you
got, you got it.

(audience applauds)

(saxophone music)

- [Narrator] One Day
at a Time was recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

(Sony Pictures jingle)