One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 23 - The College Question - full transcript

After entrance exams get Julie down she decides to not go to college.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- Hey, Julie, how am I doing?

- What?

- I'm supposed to be sexy.

I think something's
wrong with my slink.

- Have Schneider check it.

(audience laughter)

- I said slink, not sink.

(audience laughter)

- Your slink has slunk.

(audience laughter)

- You're a big help.

- Barbara, just leave
me alone, okay?

Just leave me alone.

If I'm not ready for this
SAT test on Monday,

I'm going to be in big trouble.

- Okay, okay.

Ignore me.

See if I care.

But when I'm winning the
model of the year award,

I'll just say, "I'd like
to thank my sister

"for her encouragement
but I can't

"because she never gave me any."

(audience laughter)

- Barbara, just shut up, okay?

Just shut up!

This SAT stuff is
driving me insane.

I mean, I'm supposed to remember

everything I learned in school.

- That shouldn't take
more than half an hour.

(audience laughter)

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

- Now, what is wrong
with this sentence?

"Entering the museum,
the famous bust of Minerva

"caught my eye."

- It's easy.

Minerva's bust wasn't famous.

(audience laughter)

- No, no, it's got to
be a trick question.

There's nothing wrong
with this sentence.

- What sentence?

- Here, number four.

- "Entering the museum,
the famous bust of Minerva ..."

Honey, that's a
dangling participle.

- Of course.

I forgot.

The more I study
the more I forget.

I think I'm going to give up.

- Oh, don't be silly.

It will all come back to you.

- Hey, Mom.

How do I look?

- Like a girl walking around
with a book on her head.

(audience laughter)

- Mother dear, I
will have you know

that Farrah Fawcett
started off this way.

(audience laughter)

- That must have been some book.


- Excuse me.

Is my noisy studying
disturbing your conversation?

- Now that you mention it, yeah!

- Hey, hey, come on.

Take it easy, Barbara.

Julie's under pressure.

- You bet I am!

- Why don't you just
go study in your room?

- Barbara, I can't stand
it in there anymore.

Twenty straight hours
in solitary confinement.

I've got to be with some
human beings, or even her!

- How much do I
have to take from her?

- All right.

Barbara, come on.

Sit down.

Take it easy.

You know how
important this exam is.

The higher her score,
the better choice

of colleges she's going to have.

- If I get any score at all.

I can't remember
anything: math, English,

dangling participles.

It's impossible to
really remember.

- To really remember?

That's a split infinitive.

- Speaking of splitting...
- Okay, honey.

Come on, sit down.

Take it easy and relax.

This whole thing's going
to be over by Monday.

- And then can we drown her?

- Barbara.

- Sorry, it's just one of
my childhood fantasies.

- [Julie] It's not funny.

It's not even slightly amusing.

- Okay.

- [Julie] Oh, great.

Now I'm falling behind.

I can't even find my math book.

It was here a second ago.

(audience laughter)

(Barbara laughs)

Well, what do you know?

It was there the whole time.

(audience laughter)

- Julie, I've got
a terrific idea.

Why don't you take a break,

knock off studying for a while?

- I can't, Mom.

I can't.

There's only the weekend left

and I've got so
much more to learn.

- Julie, why don't
you just tell us

what we can do to
help and we'll do it?

- Yeah, sure.

I mean, do you want
us to get out of here?

- No!

No, no, you guys just
stay here and be quiet.

- Quiet!


Hey, she wants quiet.

We're going to give her quiet.

Quiet is what this whole
world needs, is quiet.

Q-U-... (audience laughter)

- What's a seven letter
word meaning "serenity"?

- Silence!

- Silence!

That's right, that's it!

(audience laughter)

(pencil tapping)

- Barbara.

- What?

- Pencil.

- Mail call!

(audience laughter)

- Cooper, Julie.

Romano, Ms.

- Shh!

(audience laughter)

- Julie, these just...
- Schneider!

Schneider, I almost had
this problem worked out.

- Shh, keep it down.

They're doing a
puzzle over there.

(audience laughter)

- Schneider, Julie is
studying for her SAT test.

- Oh, that's simple.

That's basic grammar.

Sat, past tense of sit.

(audience laughter)

I sat in my overalls
because when it was wet,

I couldn't sit in them.

That's simple.

(audience laughter)

- Schneider.

SAT means Scholastic
Aptitude Test.

- Oh.

(audience laughter)

Well, I just
thought I'd drop off

these college catalogs here.

- College catalogs, really?
- Which ones are there?

- Oh, what is that?
- Oh, Hawaii?



- Oh, that's mine.

That's a real estate book.

It's got a lot of
interesting pictures

of people in penthouses.

(audience laughter)

- With fold-out floor plans.

(Schneider laughs)

- Oh, look.

This one's from Northwestern.

That's where I wanted to go.

They have a terrific
liberal arts department.

- Now, that's a good
thing you didn't go.

There's too many liberals
in this country already.

(audience laughter)

- Right...

- Mom, look at this.

The University of
Hawaii has body surfing.

- Hey, just a second
there, young lady.

College is not all fun
and nonsense, you know.

The thing is, the
important thing,

you've got to get with it.

You've got to go to
class, you've got to study,

you've got to go to
the football games.

- I wouldn't put
football games high

on the list of priorities.

- Oh, Ms. Romano.

Are you not aware
that one of America's

greatest patriots, a man worthy

of being put up on
Mount Rushmore,

played college football?

- Mount Rushmore?

Oh, right.

Teddy Roosevelt.

- Wrong.

John Wayne.

(audience laughter)

- He's not on Mount Rushmore.

- He should be.

Teddy Roosevelt
charged up one hill.

The Duke won every
war America's ever had.

(audience laughter)

- Who's on Mount Rushmore?

I know they're
going to ask me that,

and I'm going to say John Wayne.

Thank you, Schneider.

- Por nada.

(audience laughter)

- Julie, will you look at this?

Nine big fraternities here.

- [Schneider] Yup.

You young women today,
you've really got it easy.

I mean, a woman
goes to college today,

she can study absolutely
anything she wants:

law, medicine, engineering.

It's terrific.

I mean, that way when your
husband comes home at night,

at least you know
what he's talking about.

(audience laughter)

- Schneider.

Your insight is unique.

(audience laughter)

- Yes.

Some women seem to think so.

(audience laughter)

- Julie, honey, don't
you want to look

at these new catalogs?

- No, Mom.

I think it's best to just
take it one thing at a time.

I'll look at those later.

- Well, honey, I think you
should make up your mind.

- You know, Princeton is co-ed.

- Oh, don't even think about
them snobby Ivy League schools.

I mean, they all walk
around calling each other

Binky and Skeets
and Bootsie and Bab.

They cost a fortune.

I know one guy spent $20,000
to send his kid to Harvard

and all he got...
- Was a quarterback.

(audience laughter)

- You're cute.

You're vicious, but you're cute.

(audience laughter)

- I don't think that
Julie's college fund

is going to cover
anything like Harvard.

Now, I think that it
might be more practical

if she went to Marian College
and lived right here at home.

- Stay at home?


I was making plans on
how to re-do the room

after we sold Julie's bed.

(audience laughter)

- She could go to
Purdue, it's a good school.

It's close by.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, and at Purdue you
could major in bartending.

They teach you how
to make a great...

- Boilermaker.



You really hate that, don't you.

(laughs) (audience laughter)

Okay, what are you
going to major in?

- Everybody keeps
asking me that.

I don't know, I don't know.

- You don't know what
you're going to major in?

- Well, no.

Lots of kids don't.

- I thought you were
into psychology.

- I was, I...

- Well, Julie, you
know, it's a good idea

to make up your mind.

Then you can decide better...
- Mom!

I haven't made up
my mind yet, okay?

- Okay.

- You know what I
always wanted to be?


- Archeologist?

- Yeah.

Digging around in
all them ancient ruins.

Wearing my own pith helmet.

(audience laughter)

There's a lot of
things out there

that haven't been found yet.

- I always felt that Julie
had a talent for the law.

- She's certainly been
on my case long enough.

(audience laughter)

- You know, Atlantis.

Atlantis is still on
the missing list.

Can you imagine if I
discovered Atlantis?

- You know, Julie's always
been really good with people.

I think she should
go into psychology.

- If I discovered Atlantis,

they might rename
it Schneider-tis.

(audience laughter)

- There are so many
fields open to women today:

computer technology,
merchandising, ecology...

- What's the matter
with archeology?

- What about psychology?

- I didn't say there
was anything wrong

with either one of those fields,

but there's such a
marvelous choice today.

- [Barbara] But if you're
good at something,

you should stick to it.

- [Ann] Yeah, I know that.

But maybe you could be
better at something else!

- I have a feeling
it's psychology.

- Ah, political
science is a thought.

A lot of women are
going into politics now.

- What's the matter
with archeology?

- [Ann] Schneider, please.

- [Julie] If anyone is
interested, I think...

- Julie, would you
stay out of this?

(audience laughter)

(all yelling over each other)

(audience laughter)

- Julie.


I hope you don't think
that we're laying out

your life for you here.

That's absolutely not true.

I mean, whatever you
decide, whatever college,

whatever major,
it's all your decision.

You know that, right?

- Yep.

And I'm sure you'll
all be very happy

to know that I have
made my decision.

- You have?
- What is it, honey?

- I'm not going to
go to college at all!

(audience oohs and claps)

- Julie, what do you mean
you're not going to go to college?

I mean, that is really the
dumbest thing you have ever said.

- I don't think so.

- She's right, Mom.

I've heard her say a lot
dumber things than that.

(audience laughter)

- Do you want to tell me
what you're talking about?

- How can you not
want to go to college?

- Because I am me, and me
doesn't want to go to college.

- Jul, with that kind of English

you're not going
to get in anyhow.

(audience laughter)

- Barbara, butt out.

- [Schneider] If you
want my opinion, Julie,

you're blowing
your whole future.

- Schneider, I can handle this.

- Julie.

You are blowing
your whole future.

(audience laughter)

- That is exactly it.

It's my future.

Everybody's been telling
me where I should go,

what I should study, and
what career I should have.

I mean, everybody
around here is so busy

planning my life that nobody
even bothered to consult me.

Well, I'm not going
to go to college.


- She got that
punctuation right.

(audience laughter)

- Barbara.

- Personally, I think...
- Schneider.

- Oh, Ms. Romano.

I'm sorry.

This is a family argument
and I should butt out

before I become
persona au gratin.

(audience laughter)

But I just want
to say one thing,

and I'll be brief and
I'll be right to the point.

Julie, don't make the
same mistake I did.

When I got out of the army,
I could have gone to college

under the GI Bill, and I didn't.

I've always regretted it.

I mean, who knows
what I could have become

if I'd had an education?

An engineer, an architect!

(door closes shut)

- Okay Julie, I think we
better talk about this right now.

- Mom, okay, let's just...
- A surgeon!

I could have been a surgeon.

(audience laughter)

I mean, with these
brilliant hands

I could be installing
heart valves

instead of flush valves.

(audience laughter)

- All right, Julie.

- Mom, please.

Now wait a second, okay?

- I don't want to wait a...

- Hey, Julie, it's really not
easy to say these things

and bare my soul like
that, but I'm only doing it

because that's the way I
feel about you, you know.

- Bye, Schneider.

- Bye.

(door closes shut)

- Okay, Julie.

Sit down.

I'd rather stand.

Do you have to make
all my decisions for me?

- Stand.

- I'll sit, but it's
my decision.

(audience laughter)

- Sure.


Sit for the rest of your life.

- Oh, Mom!

- [Ann] Okay, Julie, look.

You're tired.

You're under a lot of
pressure from this exam.

You're not thinking clearly.

- I am thinking very clearly.

Now, what law says that
every kid has to go to college?

I mean, did Moses bring
it down from the mount?

"Thou shalt continue
thy formal education."

- It is the law of common sense.

It helps you to get ahead.

- Well then how come
you're doing so well?

You didn't go to college.

- And I have paid the price.

All my life, everywhere
I go, I meet people

who know so much more
than I do about so many things.

I've always felt
awkward around them.

- Are they any
happier than you are?

(Ann sighs)

- All I know is I'm
not happy about it.

I'm always playing catch-up.

Ah, Julie, everything I learn

I should have learned years ago.

Don't you see, I'm your
mother, I want you to have

- [Both] all the advantages I...

Didn't have.

I know, Mom.

You've said it to me 100 times.

Dad said it.

Grandma said it to you.

- Ozzie and Harriet
said it to David and Ricky.

(audience laughter)

- Okay.


Forgive me for caring,
but you've got to have

a pretty good
reason for not wanting

to go ahead with college.

- I have got two
very good reasons.

- All right.

- Mr. Hilgard and Jenny Talbert.

Mr. Hilgard is an
aerospace engineer

with a PhD in Science.

- I know.

- He has been
unemployed for three years.

Jenny Talbert is an
elementary school teacher.

Better known as the "box
girl" at the supermarket.

- I hope you have
a better reason

than a couple of people
we happen to know.

- How about a couple million
people that we don't know?

Mom, a college degree does not

guarantee you a future.

- No, okay, I will
buy that, Julie.

But it does give you
an edge over people

who only have a
high school diploma.

What about all of
those kids who are

breaking their backs
trying to get back

into college, any college?

Are you trying to tell me

they're all just
wasting their time?

- No, Mom, but we're
talking about me, okay?

- [Ann] Okay.

- Now, I don't see
why I shouldn't lose

four years of my life
when I could open

a boutique like Mrs. Rosner did.

She never went to college
and she makes a lot of money.

Now, Mom, I don't
think I'm going to die

if I don't get a college degree.

- Well, just what are you
going to do with your life?

Make leather sandals?

Join a rock group?

(gasps) I got it!

Become a roller derby queen!

- How about a wife and a mother?

Does every woman have to be

a professional

- Of course not, Julie.

Ah, Julie, your
father and I agreed

that both of our girls
were going to get

a college education.

- Great.

Send Barbara twice.

(audience laughter)

Now, Mom, I'm really sorry about

what you and Dad planned for me,

but I'm not going to go.

- Well, we also planned
to have a sensible child

but we didn't get that, either.

- I think I object.

(audience laughter)
- Say what you want, Mom.

I'm not going to go.

- Oh, well, then this is the
end of the discussion, right?

This is the end of the argument?

Okay, this is it.


- Fine!

(door slams)

(stomping footsteps)

(objects slam on table)

(door slams)

(teapot slams on table)

(audience laughter)

(container slams)

(objects slam on table)

(object slams)

(door slams)

(audience laughter)

(mugs rattle)

(audience laughter)

- How can you say you
don't want to go to college?

(audience laughter)

- The subject didn't
stay closed very long,

now did it?

- I just don't understand you.

I don't understand.

Do you have any
other plans after

you graduate from high school?

Do you have any other plans?

(audience laughter)

- Yes, as a matter
of fact, I have some

very definite plans.

- Well, I'd like to hear them.

I'd really like to
hear them, Julie.

I'd like to hear them.
(audience laughter)

- Okay.

I'm going to take a year and
backpack through Europe.

(sponge slams)

- You are what?

(audience laughter)

Julie, that is really dumb!

- Nancy Tressler's
going with me.

- "Nancy Tressler
is going with me."

(container slams)


(audience laughter)

I'm telling you, Julie, how long

have you been cooking
up this crazy idea?

- I knew you were
going to ask that.

Nancy and I have been
talking about it for quite a while.

- Oh, how did I ever think
you had a brain, Julie?

How did I ever think
you had a brain?

Europe! Europe!


For a year, yet!

A year!

- Would you at least give us
the credit for thinking it out?

Now, Mom, we've got
this book that tells you

how you can see all of
Europe on six bucks a day.

- Six bucks a... Six!

That's stupid.

That includes
everything except food,

lodging, and transportation.

You are being
totally ridiculous!

- Mom, don't worry.

I'm not going to hit
you up for the money.

I'm going to use
my college fund.

(audience oohs and laughs)

- Mom, quick!

Do some vacuuming.

- About using your
college fund, Julie.

There is a lovely
Italian expression

that is often used
at times like this.

"Fat chance!"

(audience laughter)

Now, your father and
I struggled for years

to save up enough money to
send you and Barbara to college.

You are not going to
blow it on a trip to Europe.

No way.

- Great.

Then I'll get there
on my own somehow.

Now, Mom, travel is education.

I mean, I may just learn
something during that year.

- Sure!

You'll learn you made a mistake.

Ah, Julie.

Just stop all this
silly dreaming.

Your father and I
decided you were going

to go to college
and you're going.

(audience laughter)

- Mother.

I've got a surprise for you.

I'm not even going
to finish high school.

I quit!

- Like hell you quit!

- Mom, wait a second.

Wait a second.

- Barbara, would
you let go of me?

Would you let go of my arm?

- You just sit
down and cool off.

- I don't want to sit down.

I don't want to cool off.

- Okay, shout then!

You might do something for me

but you sure haven't
done anything for Julie.

Look, she's trying
to tell you something

and you're not listening.

- I heard every
stupid word she said.

(audience laughter)

- Pardon me.

Just forget it then.

Look, all I know is
Julie was sitting there

studying to get into college.

Now she's quitting high school.

Somebody's doing
something wrong.

- May somebody be excused to go

and talk to somebody's
other daughter?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

- Talk, not listen.

(audience oohs)

(knock on door)

(door slams open)

- Julie.

Your sister seems to feel
you have something to say

and that I have
not been listening.

I don't happen
to agree with her,

but if you have
something to say,

I am here, so please say it.

- To a closed mind?

- Julie, if you have
anything intelligent to say,

say it, because when
it comes to my turn,

I have a bunch.

- Okay.

I'll say it if you're listening.

- Say it.

- Are you listening?

- How can I be listening?

I haven't heard anything yet.

I can't listen.

- Okay, Mom.


Now I love you and I
care what you think.

- But?

- But...

But you've got this huge
hang-up about college.

I mean, just
because you didn't go

it means that I have to go,

like a prison sentence
with no appeal.

- You make it sound
like I'm obsessed.

- Mom, you kind of are.

Now you've always
tried to teach us

to think for ourselves
and to be prepared

and to be independent,
but it seems

that being independent means

doing exactly what
you want us to do.

- Oh, come on, Julie.

That's not fair.

I've let you girls
do a lot of things

I haven't been
exactly wild about.

I just cannot
understand why a bright,

intelligent girl doesn't want
to complete her schooling.

- That's it.

You can't understand any
viewpoint other than your own.

- It's the right viewpoint.

- There you go again!

Oh, Ma.

Don't you see how hard
you've been pushing me?

You're turning me off.

I mean it.

You've got this huge blind
spot about going to college.

- [Ann] It is not a blind spot.

It's a dream.

- Whose dream, yours or mine?

- Well.

Obviously, it's mine.



Have I really
pushed you that hard

that I've turned
you off college?

- Mom, I can't...
I can't blame you

for all of it.

I can't even blame you.

I mean, now, I know that
I'm not always practical,

but ever since I can remember
you've had goals for me.

You've wanted me
to become something.

Well, I don't know
what that something is,

and that really scares me.

Now, suppose I fail.

Suppose I do.

A lot of us fail.

I don't know if I'd want
to disappoint you like that.

- Ooh.

I've really put a bundle on
your shoulders, haven't I?

(Julie sighs)


I guess taking
a year off isn't...

such a bad idea.

But you can't use
your college fund.

That's for college.

- Mom.

You know...


Maybe finishing high school
isn't such a bad idea after all.

I mean, it's kind of silly
to put in all those years

and miss the Senior Prom.

(audience laughter) (Ann laughs)

Uh, Mom, would you please
get out of here so I can study?

Well, I mean, I
figure I might as well

take the SAT test, you know.

There's no sense
in closing doors.

I'm behind on everything.

My math, my English,
my dangling participles.

- Yes.

- Oh boy, I thought I would
at least pass these tests

but I guess I won't really
have the choice, huh?

- Oh, Julie.


My harum-scarum,

one-minute-that daughter.

Where was I when you
got it all together, huh?

I don't know.

- Get out of here.

- I'm going.

Study... hard.

(Julie laughs)


(audience claps)

(upbeat jazzy music)

- [Voiceover] "One Day
at a Time" was recorded

live on tape for a
studio audience.

(upbeat jazzy music)