One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 21 - Barbara Plus Two - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So walk on the
beat ♪ Walk on the beat



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Hi, Bob.

- Oh, hi Ms Romano.

- What's new?

- Well, I got rid
of my dandruff,

but now I think
I'm getting a wart.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, hey, I thought
I told the girls



to fold the laundry.

Barbara!

- She's not home.

- [Ann] Julie!

- She's not home, either.

Oh, Julie let me in.

I brought over my Scrabble game,

but she suddenly
had to go someplace.

- Oh.

- Thanks.

- Well, help yourself to
a root beer or something

if you want.

- No, thanks.

Ms Romano, can I
ask you something?

- Sure.

- Do you know if
Barbara has a date

for the dance Friday night?

- Well, no, Bob,
I don't think she,

I don't really know.

- Do you think she'd go with me?

- Why don't you ask her?

- What for?

I can't dance.

(audience laughs)

- You know, Robert, a
little bit of self-confidence

could only help.

- That's what my dad said.

(audience laughs)

- That's mine.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I
wasn't getting personal.

- No, I know that, Bob.

Look, Barbara may say no.

On the other hand,
Barbara may say yes.

I mean, you're not gonna
find out unless you ask, right?

- Right, he who
hesitates, is lost.

Ms Romano, will
you ask her for me?

(audience laughs)

I could wait in the bathroom.

I can't do it.

I get all tongue tied.

I was an accident, you know?

My sister told me.

(audience laughs)

- Oh hi, hold these.

You got your
dress for the dance.

- Yeah, hey, did
you get a date yet?

- Yeah, I'm going
with Cliff Randall.

- What, when did he ask you?

- Tonight, I hope.

- Hope?

- Yeah, well, I know he will.

You see, I thought he was
gonna ask me today in chemistry,

but that stupid Susie Carlson
was hanging all over him.

She's so obvious.

- She's obvious?

You don't even take chemistry.

(audience laughs)

- Well, he'll ask me tonight.

See, he's coming over.

- You hope.

- Well, I know he will.

You see, he's got this
big history test tomorrow

and I just seem to have
switched notebooks.

- Oh, you're really rotten, kid.

- I know.

I just hope Bob doesn't show up.

- Barbara.

- [Bob] Oh, hi, Barbara.

- Hi, Bob.

Darn, I forgot to thank
the elevator for the lift.

(audience laughs)

- She has a wonderful
sense of humor.

- Oh, by the way,
Barbara, Bob's in there.

- Why didn't you tell me?

Julie, you know he's
gonna ask me to the dance.

- All you have to do is say no.

- To Bob, if I say no to
him I'll hurt his feelings.

It would be so much
nicer if I could just say,

Bob, I'd love to go with you,

but Cliff already asked me.

- He didn't ask you.

- But he will ask me.

It's just a matter of time.

- Oh, well then Barbara,
you've got nothing to worry about.

You've got plenty of time.

The dance is Friday
and it's only Thursday.

- Julie, wait, how
am I gonna get rid of,

hi Bob.

- [Bob] Hi Barbie, hi Julie.

- Hi, Bob.

Mom, I got my dress
from the cleaners.

You owe me $2.35.

- Guess what?

Your mom asked me
to stay for dinner again.

- Nice.

- Bob set the table and
he peeled the potatoes.

- And I'll take out
the garbage later.

(audience laughs)

- Well, no sense
wasting time, let's eat.

- Barbara, you mind
if we fix dinner first?

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

Gee, a big guy like you
probably wants to eat right now.

- Big?

- Well, sure.

Look, if you're starving you
don't have to wait around here.

- Oh no, I don't mind.

- Good.

- What is going on?

- She's trying to get rid of Bob

because Cliff is coming over.

- Oh.

- Barbara, I kinda
wanna ask you something.

- Not now.

I mean, um, I have
to mash the potatoes.

- Barbara, listen, please.

I've been working up
to this for two weeks.

Barbara, would you,

could we,

could I have the honor of
helping you mash the potatoes?

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- I'll get it, I'm closest.

Hi, Cliff.

- Hi, kid.

Hi, Ms Romano, hi Julie.

- Hi, Cliff.

- Hi.

- Oh, Cliff, this is Bob.

- I know Cliff,
we're old friends.

- We are?

- Sure, we've been
in school together

since the third grade.

- Oh, oh, yeah, hiya.

Who's he?

- Bob Morton.

Listen, Cliff, you
wanna stay for dinner?

Mom, can Cliff stay for dinner?

Thanks.

(audience laughs)

- I make very quick decisions.

- I wish I could,
but I gotta study.

I have a big test tomorrow.

- Oh really?

- [Cliff] Mm hmm.

- He's probably not as
hungry as me anyway.

I'm bigger than he is.

(audience laughs)

- Somehow I got your notebook.

I don't suppose you happen
to have mine, do you?

- Yours?

- Uh huh.

- Well, I don't see how I could.

That's a little impossible,
don't you think?

Well, I'll check, but
I mean, that's just,

well, look at this?

(audience laughs)

What do you say?

- How about that?

- I must've picked it up
by mistake in the library.

I don't know how that
could've happened?

- Neither do I.

Yours is blue and his
is red with girls' names

written all over it.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, thanks.

Well, listen, I gotta be going.

- Cliff, hang around awhile.

You want some root
beer or something?

- Okay, sounds all right.

- Sit down, I'll get it.

- I drank the last one.

(audience laughs)

- I am so glad I am not 16.

- Me too.

- So what's new?

- Well, I joined the
photography club.

Can you picture that?

(audience laughs)

- Bob, you wanted to
help me mash the potatoes.

- Oh yeah, okay, excuse me.

- Well, there sure is
a lot of things going on

in school this week, pep
rally, basketball game.

- The dance.

- Oh yeah.

- This is what Julie's
wearing to the dance.

- Yeah, it's gonna
be a big dance.

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

- Well, um,

I gotta split.

Bye Ms Romano, bye, um.

- Bob.

- Bob, right.

See ya round, kid.

Oh hey, Barbara?

- Yeah?

- Have a nice weekend, kid.

- You too.

- Did he ask you?

He didn't ask you.

- Who cares?

I don't even wanna go.

Oh, I gotta go.

What will everybody
say if I don't show up?

- Oh, don't worry, Barbara.

They won't even notice.

- Ms Romano, when do you
think would be a good time

to ask Barbara to the dance?

- Try now, Bob.

- Now?

- Now.

- You're right,
it's now or never.

Would you go to
the dance with me?

(audience laughs)

If you weren't so old.

(audience laughs)

- Good luck, Bob.

- Could I talk to you?

- Sure.

- Uh, this is kinda
personal, Julie.

- Oh, good luck.

- Barbara?

- Yeah?

- You wouldn't wanna go to
the dance with me, would you?

- Sure, Bob, I'd love to.

- Why?

- Well, because
you're a nice guy

and we'd have a lot of fun.

- I sure hope so.

I can't dance.

My car won't start and
I'm terrible at conversation.

(audience laughs)

- Bob, if you wanna
wash up for dinner.

- Oh, would you mind if I didn't
stay for dinner, Ms Romano?

Not very hungry anymore.

Besides, I gotta lose
weight to fit into my suit.

Pick you up at seven?

- Seven.

- Great, I'll get my folks car.

They'll be so happy.

So will my sister.

Now she won't have
to take me to the dance.

(audience laughs)

- So, he asked you, huh?

- [Barbara] He asked me.

- He's a nice boy, Barbara.

- Yeah, considerate, friendly.

- You don't have
to sell him to me.

I wouldn't have accepted if
I didn't want to go with him.

How could I help but like him?

Everybody likes him.

We'll have a good time.

- Soups on.

- I'm not hungry.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- Doorbell.

- Barbie.

- Why do I have to get it?

- [Julie and Ann]
You're closest.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, kid.

- Cliff.

- Listen, I was thinking
about all those hints

you dropped to me when
I was up here before.

So I decided to take pity on you

and ask you to the dance.

- What?

- Well, I was gonna
ask you before,

but any girl who
steals a guy's notebook

on a test night
deserves to sweat a little.

I'll pick you up at seven.

- Cliff, wait.

Listen, if you would've
asked me sooner

I would've been,
um, well, you see...

Yeah, I'd love to go with you.

(audience applauds)

Okay, okay, I was
gonna say no to Cliff,

but when I opened
my mouth to say no,

no didn't come out.

Yes did.

- Seems to me I heard yes
when you were talking to Bob, too.

- If she keeps saying yes

she's gonna be in
bigger trouble than this.

(audience laughs)

- I don't wanna hurt Bob,

but Cliff is the
foxiest guy in school.

Mom, help.

- Oh no you don't.

You got yourself into this,

you'll get yourself out.

- Oh, that's just great.

You fill me up with hours
of advice that I don't need

and then when I do need
your advice you cop out.

- Okay, you want my advice?

- I don't want your advice.

You'll say go with Bob.

- How'd you guess?

- I like Bob, but I'd
really rather go with Cliff.

I'm just gonna have to
go up to Bob and say,

I can't go to the dance
with you because

my regiment has been called up.

(audience laughs)

- Barb, you know darn
well you should go with Bob,

but if you just can't,

at least you ought
to tell him the truth.

I mean, what is it
that your generation

is always downing
us old folk about?

Hypocrisy, right?

I mean, you're always
saying, be honest and frank.

- No, mom, not Frank.

She'll say yes to him, too.

(audience laughs)

- Julie, eat.

Now Barbara, you accepted
Bob first and that's only fair.

- But wouldn't it be better
to let Bob know right now

that I don't feel
that way about him

instead of building
up false hopes?

If I don't say no now, it'll
be harder the next time

and the next time.

Then the next thing you know

we'll be going steady and then
Bob will ask me to marry him.

And then I'll be
having his baby.

(audience laughs)

And he'd say, Barbie, darling,

what shall we name it?

And I'd say Cliff.

(audience laughs)

Wouldn't that be a
terrible thing to do?

- Especially if it's a girl.

(audience laughs)

- Hi, Bob.

- Oh, hi, Barbara.

- Can I talk to
you for a minute?

- Sure, you can
talk to me forever.

- Yeah, well, it's
about the dance.

I'm sorry, but...
- [Cliff] Hey, kid.

- Hi, Cliff.

- Hi, uh, uh.

- Bob.

- Bob, right.

- Hey, guess who I'm
taking to the dance tonight?

- Did you know that
Patty Wilson is pregnant?

- No kidding?

- Hey, don't you wanna
know who I'm taking to the, oh.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm taking the
prettiest girl in school.

- Trish the dish?

(audience laughs)

- No, no, I'm taking...

- Why don't you surprise Cliff?

- Oh yeah, okay.

Hey, you wanna double?

I got my folks station wagon.

- Thanks but I wanna be
alone with the chick I'm taking.

- Oh yeah, me too.

(audience laughs)

- We might go up to
the lake afterwards.

- Oh, my girl isn't like that.

- Figures.

I'll see you around, kid.

- Yeah, bye.

- I gotta class.

- Wait a second, Bob.

We're friends, right?

- Always.

- Yeah, well, I was thinking,

if you might be a little
embarrassed about dancing.

- Oh no, not anymore.

I'm taking lessons.

- You are?

- Yeah, I signed up
after I left you last night.

I have another one
today after school.

For $7.50 an hour, I
get the Bump, the Hustle

and the Foxtrot.

- Bob, you really shouldn't
have gone through

all that trouble.

- Oh, I got a new sports
jacket, too, wide lapels.

I didn't wanna wear my old one.

Not with you.

Hey, will you listen to me talk?

I'm usually shy around girls,

but you just bring
out the macho in me.

(audience laughs)

(bell rings)

- Well, I guess I'll be going.

- Oh, sorry.

- Oh, did you want
to tell me something?

- No, no, forget it.

- Okay, see you tonight.

- I really can't believe it.

I mean, I'll kill if I
ever find out who did it.

I'll kill.

- What's the matter, Patty?

- Somebody is spreading
the rumor I'm pregnant.

(audience laughs)

- Pulse seems okay.

- Ah, it's something,
I feel terrible.

What is it, 110?

(audience laughs)

- 6.89.

- What?

- Or 98.6.

- Schneider, Schneider
could you help me fix the zip?

It's stuck and Jerry's
gonna be here any minute.

- Yeah, all right, hang
on, wait a second here.

Ah, there we go.

- Oh, thank you.

What's the matter with you?

- I have a headache,
my feet are cold

and my hands are hot.

- Cold feet, hot hands,
you could've been bitten

by a tsetse fly.

(audience laughs)

- Oh yeah, there's a
lot of that going around.

Well, I hope it's not contagious

because I'm
borrowing your earrings.

- I'll tell you what a day.

I thought I'd never
get out of that office.

- It is about time that you
got home, Ms Mothers.

- [Ann] Schneider,
what are you doing here?

- What am I doing?

I'm taking care of your
daughter, that's what I'm doing

while you're out there promoting

the equal rights commandment
with all them chauvenettes.

(audience laughs)

You got one daughter
here going crazy

trying to get ready for a date.

You got another daughter
here who's sicker than a dog.

I don't know what's
the matter with her.

- Sick?

Barbara, are you all right?

- Taking temperatures
and zipping zippers

and feeling pulses
and fixing hemlines.

- You sewed Julie's hem?

- He stapled it.

(audience laughs)

- Doesn't anybody care about me?

- I got a splitting headache

and I haven't been out
of this apartment all day.

(audience laughs)

- Honey, what's the matter?

- Come on, mom, don't
worry about Barbara.

She's just ODing on boys.

- Julie, please.

- She's got me
stumped, Ms Romano.

She's got no cough, no
fever, no abdominal adhesives.

(audience laughs)

- I think I came down
with something at school.

- Yeah, right after
she didn't tell Bob.

- You didn't tell Bob
you were going with Cliff?

- Mom, how could I?

It's like kicking a teddy bear.

- Wait a second,
hold on, hold on.

Have you been putting chili
peppers on your burritos?

- And you didn't tell Cliff
you're going with Bob.

- It doesn't matter 'cause
I'm too sick to go anyway.

- She ever been to Calcutta?

- Schneider.

- Well, it could be
the creeping crud.

(audience laughs)

- Appreciate your help.

- How about Passaic?

- I'll take over.

- All right, you take over,

but I am gonna be on standby

and you're fortunate
to have me on standby

because I happen to be the guy

who delivered the baby in 319.

- Boy or girl?

- Actually it was three of each.

The father was a
Mexican Hairless

and the mother was a Great Dane.

- Bye, Schneider.

- I understand she never
knew she was pregnant.

(audience applauds)

- I feel awful.

- Well I think you're
probably suffering from

a severe case of the guilts.

- Mom, you sound like Julie.

I really am sick.

- I didn't say you aren't,

but maybe it's not a sick sick.

Maybe it's a I got
myself in a corner sick.

- Mom.

- It happens, you know?

It's kind of a
defense mechanism.

You couldn't say
no to either guy

so you got sick and
called both dates off.

You didn't call both dates off.

- They'll be here any minute.

- Oh, Barbara.

(car horn honks)

- That's Jerry.

- Jerry, isn't he gonna
come up here to get you?

- No mom, if he does
then I'll have to help him

push his van to get it started.

Good luck, shrimp.

Mom, would you do me a favor

and record the end of
this teenage heartbreak.

I wanna know how it ends.

- I hope it rains and
your staples rust.

- [Julie] Bye.

- Oh Barbara, how
could you let it go so long?

- I don't know.

I tried to call both of them,

but when I called Cliff
and heard his voice,

I couldn't do it.

Then when I called Bob,
he was out buying a corsage.

It doesn't matter 'cause I'll
be dead when they get here,

if I'm lucky.

- Well, I think I have a cure,

but you ain't gonna like it.

- What is it?

- All right, you know that
you should've told Cliff

that Bob asked you first?

- It's too late for
what I should've done.

- Is it now?

(doorbell rings)

- I'm going to bed.

- No, no you're not.

You're gonna answer the door.

- [Barbara] Oh mom.

- Hey kid.

Hello Ms Romano.

Hey, how come
you're not dressed yet?

- Cliff, I can't go, I'm sick.

- You're what?

- No, I'm not.

I'm sorry, but I just can't
go to the dance with you.

- What?

- See, I really do
want to go with you,

but I accepted Bob first.

- Who?

- Bob Morton.

- Bob, from corrective gym?

(audience laughs)

- Well, I tried to call it off,

but I couldn't do it.

- That's great.

This is a great time to tell me.

Now I gotta get a date.

- I'm sorry.

Mom, help, Bob'll
be here any minute.

- I thought you were sick.

- I'm fine.

I am.

- I know you are, sweetheart.

I'll get things started.

- Hey, Betsy, this is Cliff.

Look, you're in luck.

(doorbell rings)

I changed my mind.

I'm gonna take you
to the dance after all.

Oh, okay.

Well, some other
time then, later.

- Bob, I'm sorry I'm not ready,

but I'll be ready any minute.

You look great.

- Thanks.

- Come on in.

- Hi, Cliff.

- Hi.

- Oh listen, about
Cliff, you see...

- Yeah, I heard all
about it at school.

I can't blame you for
wanting to go with him.

- Bob, I'm not.

- Hey, it's all right.

I'm glad.

- You are?

- Yeah, you see I met
this girl in dancing class.

I mean, she can't dance
any better than I can

and we're both
learning together.

She loves photography.

- You asked another girl
when you had a date with me?

- Sorry, kinda hit it off.

She's a little shy.

Just couldn't hurt a
nice person like that.

She's stacked.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- Hey Shelly, this is Cliff.

- Oh Cliff, wait a second.

- Look, you're in luck.

I changed my mind

and I'm gonna take
you to the dance after all.

- Cliff, wait a second.

- Great, great, I'll pick
you up in 10 minutes, bye.

Well, everything
worked out after all, kid.

I'll see you at the dance.

- Hey, Barbara, come
on, get a move on.

Where is everybody?

- Listen, mom,
I've been thinking.

I've got a whole life ahead
of me with boys, right?

How long has it been since I
took my own mom out to dinner?

- I accept.

No questions asked.

Well, from a date with two boys

to a date with your mother.

- Definitely not one
of my better days.

(audience applauds)

- [Ann] One Day at a Time
was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

(upbeat music)