One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Butterfields - full transcript
Julie sends a "Dear John" letter to Chuck in the middle of a feud between Ann and his parents.
(theme music)
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Barbara, do you spell
faithful with one L or two L's?
- I think it's one L.
- It's two L's.
- Two? That doesn't sound right.
Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
It's one of the basic
rules of grammar,
whenever the F precedes a vowel,
it's always two
L's, except after C,
unless used in
conjunction with a pronoun.
What, do you think I
forget these things?
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, faithful, one L.
- When was that
dictionary printed?
- 1974.
- Well there's your answer.
It's outdated, it's
an old dictionary.
(audience laughing)
- What does that
got to do with it?
- Well it's just
like automobiles.
If they don't change the
way words are spelled
every couple of years,
how they gonna
sell new dictionaries?
Come on!
(audience laughing)
- Barbara, I want you
to something, okay?
I mean, this is
kind of a rough draft
of what I wanna say,
but I want you to hear it.
- Okay.
- "Dearest Chuck, this
isn't going to be easy
for me to say or for
your to hear, I mean read.
It's not that I
love you any less,
it's just that I
love you no more."
I mean, um...
I could go the other way.
"Dearest Chuck, I've
been faithful to you
since you left for college."
- One L in college.
(audience laughing)
- Barbie, I can't do it.
I mean, every time I
try and write the letter,
it just comes out
so mean and cold.
- Okay, well why don't
you just write it like this.
"Dear Mr. Chuck
Butterfield, bug off."
(audience laughing)
- You're a big help.
- Look Julie, your sister
is right about Chuck.
You should break it clean.
There's a motto that I live by,
given to me by
my dear old father,
that I have never forgotten.
"When the flame of
love begins to flicker,
"do not argue do not dicker,
"cut it fast or even quicker,
"you could have a
chick who's even slicker."
(audience laughing)
- I may be sick, but
you're even sicker.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- Julie, are you still working
on that letter to
what's-his-name?
Chuck.
- Chuck.
Mom, this isn't easy.
I mean, Chuck and I went
through so much together.
I mean, I just can't come
out and say that it's all over.
It'll break his little heart.
How am I gonna
let him down easy?
- You wanna let him down easy?
- Yeah.
- You wanna let him down slowly.
I got an idea.
You could say, "Dear
Chuck, I love you.
"P.S. brace yourself
for the next letter."
(audience laughing)
- That's, that's great
Ma, and that's really nice.
Doesn't anyone around
here have any feelings?
Any sensitivity?
Any heart?
- Any guts?
(audience laughing)
- Come on, Julie.
I know how ya feel.
I mean, I die a
little every time
I have to break a heart too.
What can I do, it's the
curse of the Schneider's.
(audience laughing)
- Oh cursed one.
You all through?
- Yes.
And you were right,
your drain was clogged.
The next time you wash
some pantyhose in your sink,
count 'em when you're done.
(audience laughing)
- Thanks Schneider.
- Oh, miss Butterfield.
Long time no see.
You look very lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
- I might even go
so far as to say,
you look ravished.
(audience laughing)
- Hi there girls.
- Hi Mrs. Butterfield.
- Hi Mrs. Butterfield.
- This is a surprise.
- Well, I just dropped
by to bring you
a jar of my homemade
apple butter for Julie.
Chuck told me
how much you like it.
- That's sweet, isn't it Julie?
- Yeah.
- And what a coincidence.
I mean, you know, Julie was
just writing a letter to Chuck.
(audience laughing)
- How very thoughtful.
Oh Julie, I know how
much you care for him.
But, I don't see how you
could possibly miss him
as much as I do.
- You're so right.
(audience laughing)
- Barbara, my darling, don't
you have a play rehearsal
to go to about now?
- Uh yeah.
But I don't know why
I even bother going
with the small part I have.
- Oh, well what
play are you doing?
- Oh, we're doing
"Annie Get Your Gun".
I play an Indian
maiden with no lines.
They even cut my "ugh".
Bye.
- Oh, I miss my Chucky so much.
How do you stand it Julie?
- Oh, well, it's not easy.
- You know what I miss most?
I miss making his breakfast.
Straining his orange juice,
sprinkling the sugar
across the top of the cereal.
Seeing that he makes
all gone with his milk.
(audience laughing)
- If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna finish
this letter in my room.
Thank you for the apple
field Mrs. Butterapple... field.
(audience laughing)
Bye.
- Thank you for
the apple butter.
Want a cup of coffee?
We are gonna make really
good use of this apple butter.
(crying)
Uh, what's the matter here?
C'mon, c'mon,
sit down, sit down.
Come on.
- I have this very
personal problem.
It's terribly intimate.
And, well, I just didn't
know who else to turn to.
- Eh, Mrs. Butterfield.
We don't know
each other very well.
I mean, I'm sure you must
have some close friends.
- Well, I do, but
well they're all so
respectable and
proper and everything.
(audience laughing)
I mean, not like you at all.
(audience laughing)
- Thanks.
- Oh, I didn't
mean it like that.
No, I mean, you're a divorced
woman and everything.
You're a modern woman.
- Yeah, um, Mrs. Butterfield,
look, I certainly don't
know what your problem is,
but I'm sure in any case
that I'm not qualified to deal...
- My husband doesn't
like the way I color my hair.
- That's your problem?
- No, that's not the problem.
He yelled at me.
He said that I
looked like a hussy,
because I colored my
hair too reddish like yours.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that's the problem.
- No, that's not the problem.
You see, now that Chuck's
gone away to school,
and Hal's so busy at
the office all day long.
Well, I fix dinner for Hal,
and then I just wait
for him to come home.
He's my whole life.
We don't do anything.
I mean, I tried to get him
interested in folk dancing,
but he's so anti-ethnic.
(audience laughing)
Ah look, Mrs. Butterfield,
I'm sure things are
going to get better.
I mean, Chuck's just left,
and you just haven't
adjusted to it yet...
- I always wanted
to have another child.
(sighing)
But Hal believes in
moderation in everything.
He's the only man I know
who can eat one potato chip.
(audience laughing)
- I really wanna thank
you for the apple butter.
- You see, a couple
of weeks ago,
I was feeling um...
Romantic.
And, I put on my
baby doll nighty,
and I went and I knocked
on Hal's bedroom door.
And he said...
Oh, I don't know whether I
should tell you this or not...
- Don't tell me.
- He said, "Please
Alice, it's not Friday."
(audience laughing)
- I see, Friday's...
- Yes.
Except lately no Friday's.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Butterfield,
I don't think
you should be
telling me all this.
- I think I would
take that coffee.
- Sure.
- You see, Hal's all I have.
I don't have any outside
interests or anything.
- You don't?
- Well no.
I did have my music.
I used to play the cello,
but Hal made me stop.
He said the position
was obscene.
(audience laughing)
- You are kidding.
- Well, that's the way Hal is.
But don't you think
that a woman should
be more than a housewife?
- Well...
- I thought you'd agree.
And I even asked Hal
if he thought I should
get a part time job.
- What'd he say?
- He bought me a
new ironing board.
(audience laughing)
I was so angry.
I almost burned his shorts.
(audience laughing)
- You iron his shorts?
- Well lately, it's the only
time I get to see them.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you for
the apple butter.
- Well you see, I
could learn to type.
When I went to finishing school,
they said, "We don't have
to teach you how to type.
"We're gonna teach
you how to live."
But don't you think a
woman should do something?
- Of course...
- Of course you
can say "of course".
You're not married to Hal.
If I were to get a job,
well I might lose Hal.
And then my whole
life would fall apart.
- Well then, I think
you should stay home.
- And rot?
Why don't you make up your mind?
Look, listen, I know
what's going on.
A woman has a right to work.
I read Cosmopolitan.
Oh, if Hal ever finds
out I read that magazine.
- Uh, Mrs. Butterfield,
what do you wanna do?
- Oh, I wanna be a person.
And you've given me
the strength to do that.
You're right, I
should get a job.
It's always been Hal, Hal, Hal.
Well now it's gonna
be Alice, Alice, Alice!
Oh, Miss Romano, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You've really given
me the courage
to go out and live my life.
And if he wants
his shorts ironed,
let his mother do it.
(audience laughing)
- How.
Is something wrong?
Well Barbie, I got this
letter from Chuck today,
and I'm afraid to open it.
See, I know he's gonna say
how much he loves
me and misses me,
and I'm gonna feel guilty.
- You gotta read it sometime.
- Yeah I suppose so.
(paper crinkling)
You creep!
You dirty creep.
(audience laughing)
- That's a nice
beginning for a love letter.
- You know what he says?
He says that he met
another girl up at college,
and he wants me to send
him back his class ring.
(audience laughing)
- Beat you to it.
- Oh I'm mad!
(audience laughing)
I'm mad!
(doorbell ringing)
- Mr. Butterfield, how.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Butterfield!
Your son is the pits,
the absolute pits.
Oh I'm mad, I'm so mad.
(audience laughing)
- I'm back in the
house full of loonies.
(audience laughing)
- Is there anything
I can do for you?
- Yes, Pocahontas, I'd
like to talk to your mother.
- Um, sure, come on in.
Mom!
(audience laughing)
There's somebody
here to see you.
- [Ann] I'll be out in a minute!
- Okay!
(audience laughing)
- Couldn't you use
smoke signals?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I'm on my way to a dress
rehearsal for my school play.
It's called "Annie
Get Your Gun".
Well, I play an Indian maiden.
No lines.
(audience laughing)
(scoffing)
- Mr. Butterfield.
- Yes.
- What do you want?
- I just came here to
personally thank you,
for breaking up a
20-year marriage.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Before you give me the
home-breaker-of-the-year award,
I think I'm entitled
to a few details.
- You want details Mrs. Romano?
- Miss.
- Miss.
I'll give you the
whole ugly story
right from the beginning.
This afternoon,
I took a couple of very
important clients to lunch.
Men, of course.
- Of course, or they
wouldn't be important.
- Right.
- [Ann] Right.
(audience laughing)
- We went to this
nice restaurant,
The Beefeater Grill.
I tap the hostess
on the shoulder,
and I said, "Miss, I'd like
a table for three please."
And she turned
around, and it was Alice!
(audience laughing)
- Alice?
Well, how do you
like them apples.
- Oh you would say that.
It was so humiliating.
I confronted Alice with it
when she came home tonight,
and she said that you were
the one who put her up to it.
(scoffing)
- Oh, I did not.
It was all her idea.
- That's a fib.
(audience laughing)
Alice never had an
idea in her whole life.
(audience laughing)
- Well, this time
she had an idea.
- And now, thanks to
you, she defies my wishes.
She even told me
she's thinking of taking
up that disgusting
cello of hers.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Butterfield, this
isn't some subversive plot.
I mean, your wife seemed
genuinely disturbed
about the way things were going.
You know, with your marriage.
- Our marriage was perfect,
until you poked
your nose into it.
- Well, Alice didn't
seem to think so.
Boredom, separate bedrooms,
and lately, never
even on Fridays.
(gasping)
(audience laughing)
- She told you about Fridays?
(audience laughing)
- I didn't exactly pump it
out of her, Mr. Butterfield.
She seemed to
wanna talk about it.
As a mater of fact, she
talked and talked and talked
and talked and talked.
I couldn't get her to stop.
- I have the same problem.
(audience laughing)
Heaven knows what
else she told you.
Did she say anything
about my mother?
- Oh no.
- Well thank goodness.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Alice isn't going to
have Hal Butterfield
to kick around anymore.
- What do you mean by that?
- I walked out.
- What?
- I left her.
I just threw some
things in a suitcase.
Some clothes, my shaving kit,
my electric shoe duster.
(audience laughing)
I took a room at the club.
At least I'll be able to
take out my frustrations
on the handball court.
(audience laughing)
- Believe me, Mr. Butterfield,
all I did was listen.
I'm sorry that it came to this.
- Oh sure you're sorry.
Just like you were when
your delinquent daughter
ruined my Chuck's reputation.
- Hey, let's not
get into that, huh?
We all know it
was Chuck's idea...
(doorbell ringing)
That whole thing...
- None of that
was Chuck's idea...
- I don't wanna have this
argument again, okay?
We have had this argument,
and I don't wanna do it again.
What do you want?
I'm sorry.
- Well, I'm late for work,
and I have a rip in my ruffle,
and I thought you could fix it.
- Sure sure, come on in.
Ah Ginny, this
is Mr. Butterfield.
Mr. Butterfield, I'd like
you to meet my neighbor,
Ginny Wrobliki.
- How do you do.
(audience laughing)
- Haven't I seen you before?
- No, never, you've
never seen me.
- I'm sure I have.
I never forget a face.
- No, we've never
met, believe me.
- Of course.
I see you all the time
in the bar where I work.
- No, you must have me
confused with somebody else.
(audience laughing)
- I couldn't forget somebody
who drinks 12-year
old scotch with diet cola.
(audience laughing)
- So, you go to the
Alibi Room, huh?
- Well, possibly I may have
been in there once or twice
with business associates.
(audience laughing)
- I distinctly remember
you always sit alone.
- Ahhhh.
- Look, it's no disgrace.
Ow!
(audience laughing)
Lots of guys come in
just to watch the action.
- There you go, Ginny.
- Oh, thanks Ann.
Well, it was nice to
meet you Mr. Butterfield.
Oh look, the next
time you come in,
ask for me, I'll give
you seat down front.
Of course, you'll have to tip.
(audience laughing)
- I think I'd better leave too.
Miss Romano?
Would you mind
if I talked about it?
- Oh, Mr. Butterfield,
I think you
oughta talk this over
with your wife, huh?
- No, I couldn't
possibly do that.
You'd understand.
You're a modern woman.
(audience laughing)
- Oh no, not again.
- Please, I've got
to talk to someone.
- Go ahead, you talk.
- Could I have some
scotch, it might make it easier.
- Scotch, scotch, yeah
I'll give you scotch.
We're out of diet cola.
- It's okay.
Drink it straight.
(audience laughing)
Actually, I have
been in that place,
quite a few times.
(plastic clanking together)
(audience laughing)
I've never gone to bars
like that in my entire life.
But, lately I don't know
what's been happening to me.
I don't know who I am any more.
I seem to feel as if I've
reached a crisis in my life.
Thanks.
(gasping)
I never realized it was
so strong without the cola.
(audience laughing)
- It must make a difference.
- Where was I?
Oh, crisis.
Your friend was right.
I do sit there
alone, and I watch.
But I never try to
pick up anybody.
But, I have a
confession to make.
I think about it a lot.
I have lust in my heart.
(audience laughing)
- Seems a lot of men do that.
- I'm afraid of what's
been happening to me.
The other day...
- Don't tell me.
- No, no, I have to, listen.
The other day, I was walking
around the streets downtown,
and I almost went in to
see the x-rated version
of "Alice in Wonderland".
(audience laughing)
In broad daylight.
As a child, I always
loved that story.
See, all these things,
going to these bars,
thinking about those movies,
it's all desperation.
Would you like to know why
I've been skipping on
Fridays the last few months?
- I don't wanna know.
- No, Miss Romano, please,
I've got to tell you.
I'm not the man I was.
- Mr. Butterfield.
(audience laughing)
- Everything used
to be wonderful,
between Alice and me.
But then lately...
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
- I'm trying very hard not to.
(audience laughing)
- Could I have another scotch?
- No, Mr. Butterfield, I don't
think that's a good idea...
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
I don't care what
happens to my liver.
- Okay, okay.
Look, ah Mr. Butterfield,
I'm beginning to
lose patience here.
Now I'm really not too thrilled
with people I don't
know coming to me
with their intimate problems.
If you wanna know
the truth Mr. Butterfield,
I can't handle it.
- It's beginning
to taste better.
(sighing)
(audience laughing)
Whew!
It is warm in here!
(audience laughing)
You mind if I take off my coat?
(audience laughing)
I like the fire in your eyes,
when you're angry.
You, I find exciting.
Miss Romano, what
are you doing this Friday?
(audience laughing)
What am I saying?
Friday, it could be Saturday,
Sunday, Monday or Tuesday.
Miss Romano, you have opened
up a whole new week for me.
- Alice, your wife Alice.
- Never mind Alice.
Her hair isn't
really red like yours.
- Mr. Butterfield,
you're not used
to those straight scotches.
They are beginning to hit you.
- I am aware of
everything I'm saying.
Miss Romano, baby.
(audience laughing)
You could make me
the man I once was.
- That's a frightening thought.
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
Saved by the bell.
- Well, whoever it is,
tell them to go away.
- Oh Ann, the most
terrible thing has happened.
Hal left me...
(audience laughing)
Hal?
What are you doing here?
- Uh...
- You're undressed.
(audience laughing)
- Uh.
- You've been drinking.
- Well Miss Romano was good
enough to break out the booze.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
Now it's getting clear to me.
Now I understand why you
encouraged me to get a job.
So that you could play
hanky panky with my Hal
behind my back.
(audience laughing)
- I don't believe this.
- I trusted you.
I thought you were my friend.
I came here for help.
I told you about...
- Okay, alright,
that's it, I have had it!
(crying)
- Don't you dare talk
to my wife like that.
- This is my house,
and I will talk anyway I please.
- Wait a minute.
Don't you talk to my
husband that way.
He happens to be
a wonderful man.
- I certainly am.
(audience laughing)
- We don't have to stay
here and listen to her insults.
- We certainly don't.
- Lets get you dressed.
- We certainly will.
- Come on butter
bottoms, come on,
put your hand in there.
(audience laughing)
You know what your
problem is miss Romano?
You're a lonely, bitter woman.
- Right.
- If you'd been able
to hold onto a man
for 20 years like I have,
you wouldn't find
yourself in this pickle.
- Right.
- And may I have
my apple butter back?
- What?
Oh, yeah.
(audience laughing)
- Your red hair is a
lot sexier than hers.
- Oh Hal, thank you.
And I'm gonna give up my job,
because I know how
much you disapprove.
It was all her idea
in the first place.
- Trouble maker.
(audience laughing)
Alice, I know it
isn't really Friday,
but I was thinking... - Oh Hal.
(giggling)
(audience laughing
and applauding)
(theme music)
- [Announcer] One Day at a
Time was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Barbara, do you spell
faithful with one L or two L's?
- I think it's one L.
- It's two L's.
- Two? That doesn't sound right.
Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
It's one of the basic
rules of grammar,
whenever the F precedes a vowel,
it's always two
L's, except after C,
unless used in
conjunction with a pronoun.
What, do you think I
forget these things?
(audience laughing)
- Schneider, faithful, one L.
- When was that
dictionary printed?
- 1974.
- Well there's your answer.
It's outdated, it's
an old dictionary.
(audience laughing)
- What does that
got to do with it?
- Well it's just
like automobiles.
If they don't change the
way words are spelled
every couple of years,
how they gonna
sell new dictionaries?
Come on!
(audience laughing)
- Barbara, I want you
to something, okay?
I mean, this is
kind of a rough draft
of what I wanna say,
but I want you to hear it.
- Okay.
- "Dearest Chuck, this
isn't going to be easy
for me to say or for
your to hear, I mean read.
It's not that I
love you any less,
it's just that I
love you no more."
I mean, um...
I could go the other way.
"Dearest Chuck, I've
been faithful to you
since you left for college."
- One L in college.
(audience laughing)
- Barbie, I can't do it.
I mean, every time I
try and write the letter,
it just comes out
so mean and cold.
- Okay, well why don't
you just write it like this.
"Dear Mr. Chuck
Butterfield, bug off."
(audience laughing)
- You're a big help.
- Look Julie, your sister
is right about Chuck.
You should break it clean.
There's a motto that I live by,
given to me by
my dear old father,
that I have never forgotten.
"When the flame of
love begins to flicker,
"do not argue do not dicker,
"cut it fast or even quicker,
"you could have a
chick who's even slicker."
(audience laughing)
- I may be sick, but
you're even sicker.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- Julie, are you still working
on that letter to
what's-his-name?
Chuck.
- Chuck.
Mom, this isn't easy.
I mean, Chuck and I went
through so much together.
I mean, I just can't come
out and say that it's all over.
It'll break his little heart.
How am I gonna
let him down easy?
- You wanna let him down easy?
- Yeah.
- You wanna let him down slowly.
I got an idea.
You could say, "Dear
Chuck, I love you.
"P.S. brace yourself
for the next letter."
(audience laughing)
- That's, that's great
Ma, and that's really nice.
Doesn't anyone around
here have any feelings?
Any sensitivity?
Any heart?
- Any guts?
(audience laughing)
- Come on, Julie.
I know how ya feel.
I mean, I die a
little every time
I have to break a heart too.
What can I do, it's the
curse of the Schneider's.
(audience laughing)
- Oh cursed one.
You all through?
- Yes.
And you were right,
your drain was clogged.
The next time you wash
some pantyhose in your sink,
count 'em when you're done.
(audience laughing)
- Thanks Schneider.
- Oh, miss Butterfield.
Long time no see.
You look very lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
- I might even go
so far as to say,
you look ravished.
(audience laughing)
- Hi there girls.
- Hi Mrs. Butterfield.
- Hi Mrs. Butterfield.
- This is a surprise.
- Well, I just dropped
by to bring you
a jar of my homemade
apple butter for Julie.
Chuck told me
how much you like it.
- That's sweet, isn't it Julie?
- Yeah.
- And what a coincidence.
I mean, you know, Julie was
just writing a letter to Chuck.
(audience laughing)
- How very thoughtful.
Oh Julie, I know how
much you care for him.
But, I don't see how you
could possibly miss him
as much as I do.
- You're so right.
(audience laughing)
- Barbara, my darling, don't
you have a play rehearsal
to go to about now?
- Uh yeah.
But I don't know why
I even bother going
with the small part I have.
- Oh, well what
play are you doing?
- Oh, we're doing
"Annie Get Your Gun".
I play an Indian
maiden with no lines.
They even cut my "ugh".
Bye.
- Oh, I miss my Chucky so much.
How do you stand it Julie?
- Oh, well, it's not easy.
- You know what I miss most?
I miss making his breakfast.
Straining his orange juice,
sprinkling the sugar
across the top of the cereal.
Seeing that he makes
all gone with his milk.
(audience laughing)
- If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna finish
this letter in my room.
Thank you for the apple
field Mrs. Butterapple... field.
(audience laughing)
Bye.
- Thank you for
the apple butter.
Want a cup of coffee?
We are gonna make really
good use of this apple butter.
(crying)
Uh, what's the matter here?
C'mon, c'mon,
sit down, sit down.
Come on.
- I have this very
personal problem.
It's terribly intimate.
And, well, I just didn't
know who else to turn to.
- Eh, Mrs. Butterfield.
We don't know
each other very well.
I mean, I'm sure you must
have some close friends.
- Well, I do, but
well they're all so
respectable and
proper and everything.
(audience laughing)
I mean, not like you at all.
(audience laughing)
- Thanks.
- Oh, I didn't
mean it like that.
No, I mean, you're a divorced
woman and everything.
You're a modern woman.
- Yeah, um, Mrs. Butterfield,
look, I certainly don't
know what your problem is,
but I'm sure in any case
that I'm not qualified to deal...
- My husband doesn't
like the way I color my hair.
- That's your problem?
- No, that's not the problem.
He yelled at me.
He said that I
looked like a hussy,
because I colored my
hair too reddish like yours.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that's the problem.
- No, that's not the problem.
You see, now that Chuck's
gone away to school,
and Hal's so busy at
the office all day long.
Well, I fix dinner for Hal,
and then I just wait
for him to come home.
He's my whole life.
We don't do anything.
I mean, I tried to get him
interested in folk dancing,
but he's so anti-ethnic.
(audience laughing)
Ah look, Mrs. Butterfield,
I'm sure things are
going to get better.
I mean, Chuck's just left,
and you just haven't
adjusted to it yet...
- I always wanted
to have another child.
(sighing)
But Hal believes in
moderation in everything.
He's the only man I know
who can eat one potato chip.
(audience laughing)
- I really wanna thank
you for the apple butter.
- You see, a couple
of weeks ago,
I was feeling um...
Romantic.
And, I put on my
baby doll nighty,
and I went and I knocked
on Hal's bedroom door.
And he said...
Oh, I don't know whether I
should tell you this or not...
- Don't tell me.
- He said, "Please
Alice, it's not Friday."
(audience laughing)
- I see, Friday's...
- Yes.
Except lately no Friday's.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Butterfield,
I don't think
you should be
telling me all this.
- I think I would
take that coffee.
- Sure.
- You see, Hal's all I have.
I don't have any outside
interests or anything.
- You don't?
- Well no.
I did have my music.
I used to play the cello,
but Hal made me stop.
He said the position
was obscene.
(audience laughing)
- You are kidding.
- Well, that's the way Hal is.
But don't you think
that a woman should
be more than a housewife?
- Well...
- I thought you'd agree.
And I even asked Hal
if he thought I should
get a part time job.
- What'd he say?
- He bought me a
new ironing board.
(audience laughing)
I was so angry.
I almost burned his shorts.
(audience laughing)
- You iron his shorts?
- Well lately, it's the only
time I get to see them.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you for
the apple butter.
- Well you see, I
could learn to type.
When I went to finishing school,
they said, "We don't have
to teach you how to type.
"We're gonna teach
you how to live."
But don't you think a
woman should do something?
- Of course...
- Of course you
can say "of course".
You're not married to Hal.
If I were to get a job,
well I might lose Hal.
And then my whole
life would fall apart.
- Well then, I think
you should stay home.
- And rot?
Why don't you make up your mind?
Look, listen, I know
what's going on.
A woman has a right to work.
I read Cosmopolitan.
Oh, if Hal ever finds
out I read that magazine.
- Uh, Mrs. Butterfield,
what do you wanna do?
- Oh, I wanna be a person.
And you've given me
the strength to do that.
You're right, I
should get a job.
It's always been Hal, Hal, Hal.
Well now it's gonna
be Alice, Alice, Alice!
Oh, Miss Romano, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You've really given
me the courage
to go out and live my life.
And if he wants
his shorts ironed,
let his mother do it.
(audience laughing)
- How.
Is something wrong?
Well Barbie, I got this
letter from Chuck today,
and I'm afraid to open it.
See, I know he's gonna say
how much he loves
me and misses me,
and I'm gonna feel guilty.
- You gotta read it sometime.
- Yeah I suppose so.
(paper crinkling)
You creep!
You dirty creep.
(audience laughing)
- That's a nice
beginning for a love letter.
- You know what he says?
He says that he met
another girl up at college,
and he wants me to send
him back his class ring.
(audience laughing)
- Beat you to it.
- Oh I'm mad!
(audience laughing)
I'm mad!
(doorbell ringing)
- Mr. Butterfield, how.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Butterfield!
Your son is the pits,
the absolute pits.
Oh I'm mad, I'm so mad.
(audience laughing)
- I'm back in the
house full of loonies.
(audience laughing)
- Is there anything
I can do for you?
- Yes, Pocahontas, I'd
like to talk to your mother.
- Um, sure, come on in.
Mom!
(audience laughing)
There's somebody
here to see you.
- [Ann] I'll be out in a minute!
- Okay!
(audience laughing)
- Couldn't you use
smoke signals?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I'm on my way to a dress
rehearsal for my school play.
It's called "Annie
Get Your Gun".
Well, I play an Indian maiden.
No lines.
(audience laughing)
(scoffing)
- Mr. Butterfield.
- Yes.
- What do you want?
- I just came here to
personally thank you,
for breaking up a
20-year marriage.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Before you give me the
home-breaker-of-the-year award,
I think I'm entitled
to a few details.
- You want details Mrs. Romano?
- Miss.
- Miss.
I'll give you the
whole ugly story
right from the beginning.
This afternoon,
I took a couple of very
important clients to lunch.
Men, of course.
- Of course, or they
wouldn't be important.
- Right.
- [Ann] Right.
(audience laughing)
- We went to this
nice restaurant,
The Beefeater Grill.
I tap the hostess
on the shoulder,
and I said, "Miss, I'd like
a table for three please."
And she turned
around, and it was Alice!
(audience laughing)
- Alice?
Well, how do you
like them apples.
- Oh you would say that.
It was so humiliating.
I confronted Alice with it
when she came home tonight,
and she said that you were
the one who put her up to it.
(scoffing)
- Oh, I did not.
It was all her idea.
- That's a fib.
(audience laughing)
Alice never had an
idea in her whole life.
(audience laughing)
- Well, this time
she had an idea.
- And now, thanks to
you, she defies my wishes.
She even told me
she's thinking of taking
up that disgusting
cello of hers.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Butterfield, this
isn't some subversive plot.
I mean, your wife seemed
genuinely disturbed
about the way things were going.
You know, with your marriage.
- Our marriage was perfect,
until you poked
your nose into it.
- Well, Alice didn't
seem to think so.
Boredom, separate bedrooms,
and lately, never
even on Fridays.
(gasping)
(audience laughing)
- She told you about Fridays?
(audience laughing)
- I didn't exactly pump it
out of her, Mr. Butterfield.
She seemed to
wanna talk about it.
As a mater of fact, she
talked and talked and talked
and talked and talked.
I couldn't get her to stop.
- I have the same problem.
(audience laughing)
Heaven knows what
else she told you.
Did she say anything
about my mother?
- Oh no.
- Well thank goodness.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Alice isn't going to
have Hal Butterfield
to kick around anymore.
- What do you mean by that?
- I walked out.
- What?
- I left her.
I just threw some
things in a suitcase.
Some clothes, my shaving kit,
my electric shoe duster.
(audience laughing)
I took a room at the club.
At least I'll be able to
take out my frustrations
on the handball court.
(audience laughing)
- Believe me, Mr. Butterfield,
all I did was listen.
I'm sorry that it came to this.
- Oh sure you're sorry.
Just like you were when
your delinquent daughter
ruined my Chuck's reputation.
- Hey, let's not
get into that, huh?
We all know it
was Chuck's idea...
(doorbell ringing)
That whole thing...
- None of that
was Chuck's idea...
- I don't wanna have this
argument again, okay?
We have had this argument,
and I don't wanna do it again.
What do you want?
I'm sorry.
- Well, I'm late for work,
and I have a rip in my ruffle,
and I thought you could fix it.
- Sure sure, come on in.
Ah Ginny, this
is Mr. Butterfield.
Mr. Butterfield, I'd like
you to meet my neighbor,
Ginny Wrobliki.
- How do you do.
(audience laughing)
- Haven't I seen you before?
- No, never, you've
never seen me.
- I'm sure I have.
I never forget a face.
- No, we've never
met, believe me.
- Of course.
I see you all the time
in the bar where I work.
- No, you must have me
confused with somebody else.
(audience laughing)
- I couldn't forget somebody
who drinks 12-year
old scotch with diet cola.
(audience laughing)
- So, you go to the
Alibi Room, huh?
- Well, possibly I may have
been in there once or twice
with business associates.
(audience laughing)
- I distinctly remember
you always sit alone.
- Ahhhh.
- Look, it's no disgrace.
Ow!
(audience laughing)
Lots of guys come in
just to watch the action.
- There you go, Ginny.
- Oh, thanks Ann.
Well, it was nice to
meet you Mr. Butterfield.
Oh look, the next
time you come in,
ask for me, I'll give
you seat down front.
Of course, you'll have to tip.
(audience laughing)
- I think I'd better leave too.
Miss Romano?
Would you mind
if I talked about it?
- Oh, Mr. Butterfield,
I think you
oughta talk this over
with your wife, huh?
- No, I couldn't
possibly do that.
You'd understand.
You're a modern woman.
(audience laughing)
- Oh no, not again.
- Please, I've got
to talk to someone.
- Go ahead, you talk.
- Could I have some
scotch, it might make it easier.
- Scotch, scotch, yeah
I'll give you scotch.
We're out of diet cola.
- It's okay.
Drink it straight.
(audience laughing)
Actually, I have
been in that place,
quite a few times.
(plastic clanking together)
(audience laughing)
I've never gone to bars
like that in my entire life.
But, lately I don't know
what's been happening to me.
I don't know who I am any more.
I seem to feel as if I've
reached a crisis in my life.
Thanks.
(gasping)
I never realized it was
so strong without the cola.
(audience laughing)
- It must make a difference.
- Where was I?
Oh, crisis.
Your friend was right.
I do sit there
alone, and I watch.
But I never try to
pick up anybody.
But, I have a
confession to make.
I think about it a lot.
I have lust in my heart.
(audience laughing)
- Seems a lot of men do that.
- I'm afraid of what's
been happening to me.
The other day...
- Don't tell me.
- No, no, I have to, listen.
The other day, I was walking
around the streets downtown,
and I almost went in to
see the x-rated version
of "Alice in Wonderland".
(audience laughing)
In broad daylight.
As a child, I always
loved that story.
See, all these things,
going to these bars,
thinking about those movies,
it's all desperation.
Would you like to know why
I've been skipping on
Fridays the last few months?
- I don't wanna know.
- No, Miss Romano, please,
I've got to tell you.
I'm not the man I was.
- Mr. Butterfield.
(audience laughing)
- Everything used
to be wonderful,
between Alice and me.
But then lately...
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
- I'm trying very hard not to.
(audience laughing)
- Could I have another scotch?
- No, Mr. Butterfield, I don't
think that's a good idea...
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
I don't care what
happens to my liver.
- Okay, okay.
Look, ah Mr. Butterfield,
I'm beginning to
lose patience here.
Now I'm really not too thrilled
with people I don't
know coming to me
with their intimate problems.
If you wanna know
the truth Mr. Butterfield,
I can't handle it.
- It's beginning
to taste better.
(sighing)
(audience laughing)
Whew!
It is warm in here!
(audience laughing)
You mind if I take off my coat?
(audience laughing)
I like the fire in your eyes,
when you're angry.
You, I find exciting.
Miss Romano, what
are you doing this Friday?
(audience laughing)
What am I saying?
Friday, it could be Saturday,
Sunday, Monday or Tuesday.
Miss Romano, you have opened
up a whole new week for me.
- Alice, your wife Alice.
- Never mind Alice.
Her hair isn't
really red like yours.
- Mr. Butterfield,
you're not used
to those straight scotches.
They are beginning to hit you.
- I am aware of
everything I'm saying.
Miss Romano, baby.
(audience laughing)
You could make me
the man I once was.
- That's a frightening thought.
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
Saved by the bell.
- Well, whoever it is,
tell them to go away.
- Oh Ann, the most
terrible thing has happened.
Hal left me...
(audience laughing)
Hal?
What are you doing here?
- Uh...
- You're undressed.
(audience laughing)
- Uh.
- You've been drinking.
- Well Miss Romano was good
enough to break out the booze.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
Now it's getting clear to me.
Now I understand why you
encouraged me to get a job.
So that you could play
hanky panky with my Hal
behind my back.
(audience laughing)
- I don't believe this.
- I trusted you.
I thought you were my friend.
I came here for help.
I told you about...
- Okay, alright,
that's it, I have had it!
(crying)
- Don't you dare talk
to my wife like that.
- This is my house,
and I will talk anyway I please.
- Wait a minute.
Don't you talk to my
husband that way.
He happens to be
a wonderful man.
- I certainly am.
(audience laughing)
- We don't have to stay
here and listen to her insults.
- We certainly don't.
- Lets get you dressed.
- We certainly will.
- Come on butter
bottoms, come on,
put your hand in there.
(audience laughing)
You know what your
problem is miss Romano?
You're a lonely, bitter woman.
- Right.
- If you'd been able
to hold onto a man
for 20 years like I have,
you wouldn't find
yourself in this pickle.
- Right.
- And may I have
my apple butter back?
- What?
Oh, yeah.
(audience laughing)
- Your red hair is a
lot sexier than hers.
- Oh Hal, thank you.
And I'm gonna give up my job,
because I know how
much you disapprove.
It was all her idea
in the first place.
- Trouble maker.
(audience laughing)
Alice, I know it
isn't really Friday,
but I was thinking... - Oh Hal.
(giggling)
(audience laughing
and applauding)
(theme music)
- [Announcer] One Day at a
Time was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.