One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Traveling Salesperson - full transcript
Her boss suddenly questions whether he should give a woman the job that he just assigned to Ann.
♪ This is it this is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry now
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Oh sorry I didn't know you
were alone with your loved one.
(audience laughs)
- I hate my face.
- Oh how can you say that?
You've got beautiful
hair, an adorable chin.
It's the stuff in
between that's the pits.
(audience laughs)
- Gee thanks.
- Well you said
you hated your face.
I'm just trying to be agreeable.
(doorbell rings)
- I'll get it.
Hi Ginny.
- Hello how are you?
Fine, fine, coffee,
oh I'd love some.
Don't bother to get
it, I'll get it myself.
(audience laughs)
- Help yourself, Gin.
- Oh that's good.
I ran out.
- Well you didn't have
to bring your own cup.
- Oh I haven't been
able to get this cup
out of my hand for three days.
- How long have you
been such a coffee nut?
- Oh I'm not, I can
take it or leave it alone.
Take your hands off that pot!
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, you know I'm
trying to quit smoking.
- So you're ODing on coffee?
- No it's just that when I
have the urge to smoke,
I reach for a cup of coffee.
- Isn't that a
little hard to light?
(audience laughs)
- Cute.
Have her flogged.
(audience laughs)
Oh I'm sorry, it's been
three days without a cigarette.
This afternoon I went to church
just to smell the
candles burning.
(audience laughs)
- Well hang in there
Ginny, the hard part is over.
- Last night I
screamed at my goldfish
for making too much noise.
Poor little thing's still
hiding in his castle.
(audience laughs)
I have to have a cigarette!
One of you girls
must have a pack
stashed around here someplace!
- Well Ginny we don't smoke.
- Well you must have
a pack someplace!
Oh.
Come on, I won't squeal on ya.
- Honest Gin,
neither of us smoke.
- You rotten little straights.
(audience laughs)
- Hello!
- Hi Mom, you're late.
- Oh, sort of.
Had a last minute
conference with the boss.
Oh good, coffee.
- That's mine!
I'll kill.
- Still fighting off that old
devil nicotine huh Ginny?
- Cut the poetry, have
you got a cigarette?
- You know I don't smoke.
- You could, if you
really wanted to.
(audience laughs)
- Mom what was this
conference about?
- The usual.
- All right Romano,
what's going on?
You look like an Arab oil sheik
planning his next
price increase.
- What in the world
are you talking about?
- Now something is happening,
now we've never
seen that dress before.
- Oh, this new thing?
(audience laughs)
- All right Mom,
today they delivered
this attache case from Blocks.
Now what are you going
to do with an attache case?
- Honey I need something
to carry my attaches in.
(audience laughs)
- That did it, what's going on?
- All right!
Cease and desist.
This morning, I walked
out of here a nobody
but tonight I return a star.
(shouting)
Okay I'll tell you.
Tomorrow morning
I start my duties
as Connors and Davenport's
newest account executive.
- What?
- Congratulations!
- I'm gonna be
handling public relations
for the Scott's sporting
goods company!
- Well it took you
long enough to tell us.
- Tacky Mom, tacky.
- Tacky I know,
what can I tell you?
Listen, I don't want
you to tell anybody
until I get my own key to
the executive washroom
and you're the only
ones who know.
(knocking)
- Congratulations on
your new promotion!
(audience laughs)
That's really terrific.
I never had a tenant who was
an executive accountant before.
- That's account
executive, Schneider.
And please don't
listen in the hallways...
- Hey cut your
motor and glide huh?
I did not have my
ear to your door.
I happened to hear
it through the air duct.
- Oh well.
- And as the FCC tells us, the
airwave belong to the public.
- Dwayne?
- Ah fair damsel.
- Care to join me
in a cup of coffee?
- I don't know, is
there enough room
in there for both of us?
(laughs)
- Schneider, take it easy.
Ginny's trying
to kick the habit.
- Habit?
- Ginny that is the
third cup of coffee
you've had since
you came in here.
- There is only one
way to break a bad habit.
You stop cold turkey.
- Wait, wait Schneider
what are you gonna do?
- [Ginny] No, no!
- Ah Schneider,
coffee is so expensive!
- How could you?
- That is only step number one.
Step number two is learning
how to distract yourself.
Now, you say to yourself
I want a cup of coffee.
- I want a cup of coffee.
- But then you say I
won't have a cup of coffee.
- I won't?
- No, instead I'll
have a cigarette.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider it was cigarettes!
- Oh the cigarettes,
oh I'm sorry here.
I'll make you a pack of coffee.
(audience laughs)
(crying)
(audience laughs)
- Doesn't anybody want
to hear about my job?
- Oh yeah, are you
gonna get a raise?
- How much of a raise?
- Oh, that's not
the important thing.
It's the excitement, the
opportunity, $57.32 a week
after taxes and deductions.
- All right we're lower
middle class again!
- Congratulations!
- Thank you.
- Good grief, I must
be over the edge.
This tastes mentholated.
(audience laughs)
- Here we go Ginny, a nice hot
brimming cup of
coffee just for you.
- Ah Dwaynesy face.
- Dwaynesy face.
- I'm sorry I barked
at you before.
You're so sweet and thoughtful.
Most handsome men are brutes.
What makes you so sweet?
(audience laughs)
- Ginny poo.
- Yes?
- Put 'em back.
- Put what back?
- Cigarettes you
heisted from my sleeve.
(audience laughs)
- Sadist.
- Ginny Ginny!
You're trying to
give up cigarettes.
You've asked me to help you,
and I'm going to
do everything I can
to keep you on the
straight and narrow.
Now give me the one you kept.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you Dwayne, I appreciate
what you're trying to do for me.
It's very sweet and thoughtful
and I hope your
tool belt rots off.
- Ginny, Ginny!
That was a cry for help.
(audience laughs)
I've got to get that woman
into transcontinental meditation.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, why don't you tell
us more about your new job?
- Okay, I will.
It's exciting and a challenge
and a little bit of a problem.
I'm going to have
to do some traveling.
I'm going to be out of
town a few times a year.
- So what's the problem?
- My darling daughters,
how they're gonna miss me.
And how they're going to plan
all these wild parties
while I'm gone.
- It never crossed our minds.
- Well we hadn't had a
chance to think about it yet.
- Yeah, well don't
plan them too wild.
Ginny and Schneider will
be here to look in on you.
- They're gonna be orgies.
- Mom, I want to
tell you something.
I'm really proud of you.
I mean you're a woman
who went out into the world
with nothing, without
any career skills
and she made a career
for herself at middle age.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks Julie.
- Your raise, what
are we gonna be doing
with all that money
we'll be making?
- Well, something we haven't
been able to do for two years.
Save!
- Spend!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, can we get those
new silver ski jackets
we've been wanting, please?
- Ah well of all
the impractical,
unnecessary, foolish things.
I mean that
really tops the list,
and all I have to
say is go get 'em.
- I knew she'd say that.
No I didn't!
- She said yes!
I think.
- Yeah, you're right, excuse me.
If you will please excuse
mother executive here,
she has to figure out
what office she's going to
turn over to Harkins who's
taking over her old job.
Now, I'd like you
to start dinner,
hold all calls, put the
spaghetti on line one,
meatballs on line two.
(audience laughs)
- You know something sister,
you and I are both rotten.
- You're half right.
- But we're only
thinking of ourselves.
Come here.
Let's give Mom a
surprise party tomorrow.
- You're on!
- Okay, now
we'll get her a gift.
- Two silver ski jackets,
your size and mine.
(audience laughs)
- Let's start dinner okay?
- Well as of now the
Scott's sporting goods
account is in your hands.
Congratulations Harkins.
- Thank you Mr. Connors,
I'll do my best.
- Of course you will.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Connors, now
that I'm an executive,
do you think it would be
all right if I called you Al, Al?
- Al Al?
(audience laughs)
That's kind of cutesy for
a business office Harkins.
- You're going to
have to tell Romano
she's not going to get the job.
- Yes, the penalty
of leadership.
She'll be furious and hurt.
She may even cry.
You tell her.
- I, I uh I I...
- Good morning Mr. Connors,
morning Mr. Harkins.
- Good morning Miss Romano.
- Good morning.
Well, talk to you later.
(audience laughs)
- Is there anything wrong?
- Sit down, M-S Romano.
M-S Romano, let me say this
with all the sympathy
at my command.
In this imperfect world...
As Edgar Guest
so wisely put it...
(audience laughs)
M-S Romano, life is like a...
Harkins is in, you're out.
- What?
- Which word didn't
you understand?
Don't look so
stricken, the same thing
happened to Jerry Ford.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Connors, you and I
are going to have words.
(audience laughs)
- Go ahead.
- Are you gonna sit
there playing with that toy?
- You are disturbed, Ms. Romano.
You will note that I am not.
All over town my
colleagues are suffering
from heart attacks and ulcers,
but thanks to this
ingenious little device here
I am unlike you,
serene, composed, cool.
Do that again M-S Romano
and I'll break your arm.
(audience laughs)
Late last night I went over
your qualifications again
and I gave you high marks
in every department but one.
- What's that?
- Sex.
You're the wrong one.
You're not a man.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
- Let me put it another
way, you're a woman.
(audience laughs)
And a mother, need I say more?
- Well yeah, yeah
Mr. Connors you better say more
because I don't know
what you're talking about.
I mean I went home last night
and discussed this
with my daughters and...
- Ah was bothering
you wasn't it?
The thought that you might be
far from the nest
when they needed you.
If they got sick,
they got in trouble.
What a worried, distraught,
fear ridden women you would be
in some lonely
hotel room far away.
- Mr. Connors, I appreciate
your concern for me...
- I am concerned
about the account
and a worried, distraught,
fear ridden woman
cannot give total
dedication to the job.
Besides, I don't
approve of women
who don't put
their children first.
- Mr. Connors, just who
appointed you my conscience?
I mean what makes you
think that a good mother
is defined by how much
time she spends with her kids?
My children happen
to be rooting for me.
You, Mr. Connors, are
still living in the ice age.
- I can do twosies too.
(audience laughs)
Today you may be angry
with me, Ms. Romano.
Tomorrow you'll
thank me for doing
you and your children a service.
Now I am a fair man.
- Yeah, you and
the Boston strangler.
(audience laughs)
- That's unkind.
Now by way of compensation
I'm going to let you
have that new desk
lamp you wanted.
(audience groans)
You may also take an additional
15 minutes for
lunch, occasionally.
And finally, I'm going
to let you call me Al.
(audience laughs)
I don't even let my
own wife call me Al.
(audience laughs)
- Tell you what, Al.
To show my appreciation
here for all your kindness, I quit.
(applause)
Try threesies.
(applause)
- How goes it oh stubby one?
- Here the present's wrapped.
Sign this card for Mom.
- Congratulations
on your bar mitzvah?
(audience laughs)
- Well it was the
closest thing I could find.
A bar mitzvah is
like a confirmation
and Mom's job is being
confirmed today right?
- Sister, you are
unfurnished upstairs.
(audience laughs)
Toothache Gin?
- No I'm chewing gum
to keep off the sweets.
I got on the sweets
to get off the coffee.
I don't remember
why I got on the coffee.
- To get off the cigarettes.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks for reminding
me, Schneider.
- Yeah, well I guess
we're all set now.
We got a little while before
your mother comes home.
What do you say we rehearse?
I mean this is a big
day for your mother
and I think that when she
comes through that door,
we should hit her with
something really great.
Now how are you
guys with harmony?
(singing poorly)
Okay everybody sings melody.
Now, how about we
give her a nice version of
When Johnny Comes Marching Home.
- Well that makes
a lot of sense.
- Well all we gotta
do is substitute
Romano for Johnny, like this.
♪ When Romano comes
marching home again
♪ Hurrah hurrah
♪ We'll give her a rousing
cheer and then hurrah hurrah
♪ The men will cheer
and the men will shout
♪ The boys will say
and we'll all go marching
- Hurrah!
- Surprise!
- Yeah well have I
got a surprise for you.
- What is it Mom?
- You didn't get the promotion?
- Oh that's just part
one of the Romano story.
Part two is I quit.
- You what?
- What?
- Mom why?
- Well at the last
minute I found out that
I was disqualified
because I'm a mother.
You see Mr. Connors
felt that I would be
too preoccupied with
you when I was out of town
to give my all to the job.
- That rotten sexist.
- Why did you quit?
- The man's narrow-minded.
There is obviously no future
with Connors and
Davenport for a woman.
- Well you'll get a better
job, really wait and see.
- Yeah, well I hope so.
I've been wandering
around for hours
worrying about our finances.
Hey you didn't get
those ski jackets did you?
- No I don't need a ski jacket.
(audience laughs)
But they got you a
nice present, here here.
- You don't have to
open it Mom, really.
- Oh no are you kidding?
I like presents, probably
going to cheer me up really.
Need some cheering
up here you know?
Let's see, what is it?
Ms. Ann Romano,
account executive.
Well, I'm gonna have use for
this again one of these days.
- I'll smoke to that.
(audience laughs)
- Ms. Romano I, I
just want to tell you
it's always darkest
before the dawn
and tomorrow is another day
and therefore hope
springs eternal.
- And silence is golden.
- And absence makes
the heart grow fonder.
- A rolling stone...
- Is worth two in a bush.
(audience laughs)
- How's the resume coming?
- Do you know that I could write
my entire resume on a postcard?
On a stamp.
(audience laughs)
I've only had one paying
job in my whole life.
- I seem to remember
you going through
the same thing last year.
- Well at least I've
had one good job.
- Well here's a job
that doesn't discriminate
against sex, join the Marines.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you I'll pass.
- Ma, I got the evening
paper and there's a job
perfect for you, listen to this.
- [Ann] What does it say?
- Indianapolis PR firm
wants mature woman
with flair for writing,
top benefits, pension,
call 555-7994.
- That's my old job with
Connors and Davenport.
- Yeah, well they
sure didn't waste time
listing it did they?
- Nope!
- Well why don't you apply?
- We could use the money.
- You want me to go crawling
back to that chauvinist?
Not in 100 years.
(doorbell rings)
Not in a thousand years.
- Who is it?
- [Mr. Connors] Mr. Connors.
- It's Mr. Connors.
(audience laughs)
Mom, aren't you
going to let him in?
- I'm going to
let him in, slowly.
What are you doing
here Mr. Connors?
- As someone once said,
everybody's got to be someplace.
(audience laughs)
- Was it Edgar Guest?
- Mom, come on!
She'll be there in a
second Mr. Connors.
- You left some
things at the office.
I was in the neighborhood
so I thought I'd return them.
- Well you can shove
'em under the door.
(audience laughs)
- [Mr. Connors] No I can't.
- You know my daughters.
Frail, fragile Julie and insecure,
sickness-prone Barbara.
(audience laughs)
- Actually they
look quite sturdy.
Anyway you left
these in your desk,
so I am returning one
your copy of M-S Magazine.
(audience laughs)
Two, half a candy bar.
Three, an open box of Kleenex.
- Yeah well thank
you Mr. Connors.
I'm sure you're a very
busy man, so with...
- I'd appreciate it if you'd
check these items out.
I did use two or
three of the Kleenexes
so by way of
compensation I'd like to
give you this felt tip marker.
(audience laughs)
- What's on your
mind, Mr. Connors?
- I'd like for you to consider
coming back to the firm.
- [Both] Yay!
- Mr. Connors, after
the way you treated me
I wouldn't even think about
going back to my old job.
- [Both] Aww.
(audience laughs)
- Are they planning on
providing counterpoint all night?
(audience laughs)
- Come on girls.
- As a matter of fact, your
old job is no longer available.
- Filled by a man no doubt.
- Nowadays it's hard to tell.
(audience laughs)
Anyway, I am prepared
to re-offer the post
of account executive
that I suggested earlier.
- [Girls] Yay!
(audience laughs)
- What happened to Harkins?
- I have other plans for him.
Well, what do you say?
- Well, Al...
- I beg your pardon.
(audience laughs)
Oh yes.
Go ahead, Ann.
- Why this change of heart?
- Quite simple, one I realized
I was thinking like a sexist.
Two I want to keep my
word, I did promise you the job.
Three...
(sighs)
- Harkins didn't work out.
What happened?
- His wife wouldn't
let him take the job.
(audience laughs)
She doesn't want
him on the road.
They have three kiddies at home.
Besides, I hate to say it
but you are better qualified.
- Well I hate to say
it, but I'll take the job.
- [Girls] Yay!
(audience laughs)
- All right kiddies,
you can come out now.
All right Mr. Connors,
I will be at my desk
bright and early
tomorrow morning.
- No you're going
to be on a plane
in an hour going to Chicago.
(audience laughs)
The Scott's sporting
goods people
are bringing out a new product.
- You mean now, why?
Is it that urgent?
- Let me put it this
way, if you take the time
to comb your
hair you'll be late.
Here's your
ticket, now let's go.
I'll drive you to the airport.
- Wait a minute Mr. Connors,
this is only a
one-way ticket here.
- I know, do a good job
and I'll wire you the return.
(audience laughs)
It's known as incentive.
- Oh golly.
- What's the matter?
- Oh girls, I can't
leave you like this.
I mean Julie I still have
to hem that dress for you
for the prom, and Barbara
those oatmeal cookies
I was going to bake
for the PTA meeting
and I still I mean my Jello
mold it hasn't gelled yet
and I'm still
needlepointing my quilt.
(audience laughs)
- Here's your return
ticket, M-S Romano.
- Thank you M-R Connors.
(applause)
(jazz music)
- [Narrator] One Day at
a Time was recorded live
on tape for a studio audience.
(jazz music)
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry now
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Oh sorry I didn't know you
were alone with your loved one.
(audience laughs)
- I hate my face.
- Oh how can you say that?
You've got beautiful
hair, an adorable chin.
It's the stuff in
between that's the pits.
(audience laughs)
- Gee thanks.
- Well you said
you hated your face.
I'm just trying to be agreeable.
(doorbell rings)
- I'll get it.
Hi Ginny.
- Hello how are you?
Fine, fine, coffee,
oh I'd love some.
Don't bother to get
it, I'll get it myself.
(audience laughs)
- Help yourself, Gin.
- Oh that's good.
I ran out.
- Well you didn't have
to bring your own cup.
- Oh I haven't been
able to get this cup
out of my hand for three days.
- How long have you
been such a coffee nut?
- Oh I'm not, I can
take it or leave it alone.
Take your hands off that pot!
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, you know I'm
trying to quit smoking.
- So you're ODing on coffee?
- No it's just that when I
have the urge to smoke,
I reach for a cup of coffee.
- Isn't that a
little hard to light?
(audience laughs)
- Cute.
Have her flogged.
(audience laughs)
Oh I'm sorry, it's been
three days without a cigarette.
This afternoon I went to church
just to smell the
candles burning.
(audience laughs)
- Well hang in there
Ginny, the hard part is over.
- Last night I
screamed at my goldfish
for making too much noise.
Poor little thing's still
hiding in his castle.
(audience laughs)
I have to have a cigarette!
One of you girls
must have a pack
stashed around here someplace!
- Well Ginny we don't smoke.
- Well you must have
a pack someplace!
Oh.
Come on, I won't squeal on ya.
- Honest Gin,
neither of us smoke.
- You rotten little straights.
(audience laughs)
- Hello!
- Hi Mom, you're late.
- Oh, sort of.
Had a last minute
conference with the boss.
Oh good, coffee.
- That's mine!
I'll kill.
- Still fighting off that old
devil nicotine huh Ginny?
- Cut the poetry, have
you got a cigarette?
- You know I don't smoke.
- You could, if you
really wanted to.
(audience laughs)
- Mom what was this
conference about?
- The usual.
- All right Romano,
what's going on?
You look like an Arab oil sheik
planning his next
price increase.
- What in the world
are you talking about?
- Now something is happening,
now we've never
seen that dress before.
- Oh, this new thing?
(audience laughs)
- All right Mom,
today they delivered
this attache case from Blocks.
Now what are you going
to do with an attache case?
- Honey I need something
to carry my attaches in.
(audience laughs)
- That did it, what's going on?
- All right!
Cease and desist.
This morning, I walked
out of here a nobody
but tonight I return a star.
(shouting)
Okay I'll tell you.
Tomorrow morning
I start my duties
as Connors and Davenport's
newest account executive.
- What?
- Congratulations!
- I'm gonna be
handling public relations
for the Scott's sporting
goods company!
- Well it took you
long enough to tell us.
- Tacky Mom, tacky.
- Tacky I know,
what can I tell you?
Listen, I don't want
you to tell anybody
until I get my own key to
the executive washroom
and you're the only
ones who know.
(knocking)
- Congratulations on
your new promotion!
(audience laughs)
That's really terrific.
I never had a tenant who was
an executive accountant before.
- That's account
executive, Schneider.
And please don't
listen in the hallways...
- Hey cut your
motor and glide huh?
I did not have my
ear to your door.
I happened to hear
it through the air duct.
- Oh well.
- And as the FCC tells us, the
airwave belong to the public.
- Dwayne?
- Ah fair damsel.
- Care to join me
in a cup of coffee?
- I don't know, is
there enough room
in there for both of us?
(laughs)
- Schneider, take it easy.
Ginny's trying
to kick the habit.
- Habit?
- Ginny that is the
third cup of coffee
you've had since
you came in here.
- There is only one
way to break a bad habit.
You stop cold turkey.
- Wait, wait Schneider
what are you gonna do?
- [Ginny] No, no!
- Ah Schneider,
coffee is so expensive!
- How could you?
- That is only step number one.
Step number two is learning
how to distract yourself.
Now, you say to yourself
I want a cup of coffee.
- I want a cup of coffee.
- But then you say I
won't have a cup of coffee.
- I won't?
- No, instead I'll
have a cigarette.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider it was cigarettes!
- Oh the cigarettes,
oh I'm sorry here.
I'll make you a pack of coffee.
(audience laughs)
(crying)
(audience laughs)
- Doesn't anybody want
to hear about my job?
- Oh yeah, are you
gonna get a raise?
- How much of a raise?
- Oh, that's not
the important thing.
It's the excitement, the
opportunity, $57.32 a week
after taxes and deductions.
- All right we're lower
middle class again!
- Congratulations!
- Thank you.
- Good grief, I must
be over the edge.
This tastes mentholated.
(audience laughs)
- Here we go Ginny, a nice hot
brimming cup of
coffee just for you.
- Ah Dwaynesy face.
- Dwaynesy face.
- I'm sorry I barked
at you before.
You're so sweet and thoughtful.
Most handsome men are brutes.
What makes you so sweet?
(audience laughs)
- Ginny poo.
- Yes?
- Put 'em back.
- Put what back?
- Cigarettes you
heisted from my sleeve.
(audience laughs)
- Sadist.
- Ginny Ginny!
You're trying to
give up cigarettes.
You've asked me to help you,
and I'm going to
do everything I can
to keep you on the
straight and narrow.
Now give me the one you kept.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you Dwayne, I appreciate
what you're trying to do for me.
It's very sweet and thoughtful
and I hope your
tool belt rots off.
- Ginny, Ginny!
That was a cry for help.
(audience laughs)
I've got to get that woman
into transcontinental meditation.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, why don't you tell
us more about your new job?
- Okay, I will.
It's exciting and a challenge
and a little bit of a problem.
I'm going to have
to do some traveling.
I'm going to be out of
town a few times a year.
- So what's the problem?
- My darling daughters,
how they're gonna miss me.
And how they're going to plan
all these wild parties
while I'm gone.
- It never crossed our minds.
- Well we hadn't had a
chance to think about it yet.
- Yeah, well don't
plan them too wild.
Ginny and Schneider will
be here to look in on you.
- They're gonna be orgies.
- Mom, I want to
tell you something.
I'm really proud of you.
I mean you're a woman
who went out into the world
with nothing, without
any career skills
and she made a career
for herself at middle age.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks Julie.
- Your raise, what
are we gonna be doing
with all that money
we'll be making?
- Well, something we haven't
been able to do for two years.
Save!
- Spend!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, can we get those
new silver ski jackets
we've been wanting, please?
- Ah well of all
the impractical,
unnecessary, foolish things.
I mean that
really tops the list,
and all I have to
say is go get 'em.
- I knew she'd say that.
No I didn't!
- She said yes!
I think.
- Yeah, you're right, excuse me.
If you will please excuse
mother executive here,
she has to figure out
what office she's going to
turn over to Harkins who's
taking over her old job.
Now, I'd like you
to start dinner,
hold all calls, put the
spaghetti on line one,
meatballs on line two.
(audience laughs)
- You know something sister,
you and I are both rotten.
- You're half right.
- But we're only
thinking of ourselves.
Come here.
Let's give Mom a
surprise party tomorrow.
- You're on!
- Okay, now
we'll get her a gift.
- Two silver ski jackets,
your size and mine.
(audience laughs)
- Let's start dinner okay?
- Well as of now the
Scott's sporting goods
account is in your hands.
Congratulations Harkins.
- Thank you Mr. Connors,
I'll do my best.
- Of course you will.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Connors, now
that I'm an executive,
do you think it would be
all right if I called you Al, Al?
- Al Al?
(audience laughs)
That's kind of cutesy for
a business office Harkins.
- You're going to
have to tell Romano
she's not going to get the job.
- Yes, the penalty
of leadership.
She'll be furious and hurt.
She may even cry.
You tell her.
- I, I uh I I...
- Good morning Mr. Connors,
morning Mr. Harkins.
- Good morning Miss Romano.
- Good morning.
Well, talk to you later.
(audience laughs)
- Is there anything wrong?
- Sit down, M-S Romano.
M-S Romano, let me say this
with all the sympathy
at my command.
In this imperfect world...
As Edgar Guest
so wisely put it...
(audience laughs)
M-S Romano, life is like a...
Harkins is in, you're out.
- What?
- Which word didn't
you understand?
Don't look so
stricken, the same thing
happened to Jerry Ford.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Connors, you and I
are going to have words.
(audience laughs)
- Go ahead.
- Are you gonna sit
there playing with that toy?
- You are disturbed, Ms. Romano.
You will note that I am not.
All over town my
colleagues are suffering
from heart attacks and ulcers,
but thanks to this
ingenious little device here
I am unlike you,
serene, composed, cool.
Do that again M-S Romano
and I'll break your arm.
(audience laughs)
Late last night I went over
your qualifications again
and I gave you high marks
in every department but one.
- What's that?
- Sex.
You're the wrong one.
You're not a man.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
- Let me put it another
way, you're a woman.
(audience laughs)
And a mother, need I say more?
- Well yeah, yeah
Mr. Connors you better say more
because I don't know
what you're talking about.
I mean I went home last night
and discussed this
with my daughters and...
- Ah was bothering
you wasn't it?
The thought that you might be
far from the nest
when they needed you.
If they got sick,
they got in trouble.
What a worried, distraught,
fear ridden women you would be
in some lonely
hotel room far away.
- Mr. Connors, I appreciate
your concern for me...
- I am concerned
about the account
and a worried, distraught,
fear ridden woman
cannot give total
dedication to the job.
Besides, I don't
approve of women
who don't put
their children first.
- Mr. Connors, just who
appointed you my conscience?
I mean what makes you
think that a good mother
is defined by how much
time she spends with her kids?
My children happen
to be rooting for me.
You, Mr. Connors, are
still living in the ice age.
- I can do twosies too.
(audience laughs)
Today you may be angry
with me, Ms. Romano.
Tomorrow you'll
thank me for doing
you and your children a service.
Now I am a fair man.
- Yeah, you and
the Boston strangler.
(audience laughs)
- That's unkind.
Now by way of compensation
I'm going to let you
have that new desk
lamp you wanted.
(audience groans)
You may also take an additional
15 minutes for
lunch, occasionally.
And finally, I'm going
to let you call me Al.
(audience laughs)
I don't even let my
own wife call me Al.
(audience laughs)
- Tell you what, Al.
To show my appreciation
here for all your kindness, I quit.
(applause)
Try threesies.
(applause)
- How goes it oh stubby one?
- Here the present's wrapped.
Sign this card for Mom.
- Congratulations
on your bar mitzvah?
(audience laughs)
- Well it was the
closest thing I could find.
A bar mitzvah is
like a confirmation
and Mom's job is being
confirmed today right?
- Sister, you are
unfurnished upstairs.
(audience laughs)
Toothache Gin?
- No I'm chewing gum
to keep off the sweets.
I got on the sweets
to get off the coffee.
I don't remember
why I got on the coffee.
- To get off the cigarettes.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks for reminding
me, Schneider.
- Yeah, well I guess
we're all set now.
We got a little while before
your mother comes home.
What do you say we rehearse?
I mean this is a big
day for your mother
and I think that when she
comes through that door,
we should hit her with
something really great.
Now how are you
guys with harmony?
(singing poorly)
Okay everybody sings melody.
Now, how about we
give her a nice version of
When Johnny Comes Marching Home.
- Well that makes
a lot of sense.
- Well all we gotta
do is substitute
Romano for Johnny, like this.
♪ When Romano comes
marching home again
♪ Hurrah hurrah
♪ We'll give her a rousing
cheer and then hurrah hurrah
♪ The men will cheer
and the men will shout
♪ The boys will say
and we'll all go marching
- Hurrah!
- Surprise!
- Yeah well have I
got a surprise for you.
- What is it Mom?
- You didn't get the promotion?
- Oh that's just part
one of the Romano story.
Part two is I quit.
- You what?
- What?
- Mom why?
- Well at the last
minute I found out that
I was disqualified
because I'm a mother.
You see Mr. Connors
felt that I would be
too preoccupied with
you when I was out of town
to give my all to the job.
- That rotten sexist.
- Why did you quit?
- The man's narrow-minded.
There is obviously no future
with Connors and
Davenport for a woman.
- Well you'll get a better
job, really wait and see.
- Yeah, well I hope so.
I've been wandering
around for hours
worrying about our finances.
Hey you didn't get
those ski jackets did you?
- No I don't need a ski jacket.
(audience laughs)
But they got you a
nice present, here here.
- You don't have to
open it Mom, really.
- Oh no are you kidding?
I like presents, probably
going to cheer me up really.
Need some cheering
up here you know?
Let's see, what is it?
Ms. Ann Romano,
account executive.
Well, I'm gonna have use for
this again one of these days.
- I'll smoke to that.
(audience laughs)
- Ms. Romano I, I
just want to tell you
it's always darkest
before the dawn
and tomorrow is another day
and therefore hope
springs eternal.
- And silence is golden.
- And absence makes
the heart grow fonder.
- A rolling stone...
- Is worth two in a bush.
(audience laughs)
- How's the resume coming?
- Do you know that I could write
my entire resume on a postcard?
On a stamp.
(audience laughs)
I've only had one paying
job in my whole life.
- I seem to remember
you going through
the same thing last year.
- Well at least I've
had one good job.
- Well here's a job
that doesn't discriminate
against sex, join the Marines.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you I'll pass.
- Ma, I got the evening
paper and there's a job
perfect for you, listen to this.
- [Ann] What does it say?
- Indianapolis PR firm
wants mature woman
with flair for writing,
top benefits, pension,
call 555-7994.
- That's my old job with
Connors and Davenport.
- Yeah, well they
sure didn't waste time
listing it did they?
- Nope!
- Well why don't you apply?
- We could use the money.
- You want me to go crawling
back to that chauvinist?
Not in 100 years.
(doorbell rings)
Not in a thousand years.
- Who is it?
- [Mr. Connors] Mr. Connors.
- It's Mr. Connors.
(audience laughs)
Mom, aren't you
going to let him in?
- I'm going to
let him in, slowly.
What are you doing
here Mr. Connors?
- As someone once said,
everybody's got to be someplace.
(audience laughs)
- Was it Edgar Guest?
- Mom, come on!
She'll be there in a
second Mr. Connors.
- You left some
things at the office.
I was in the neighborhood
so I thought I'd return them.
- Well you can shove
'em under the door.
(audience laughs)
- [Mr. Connors] No I can't.
- You know my daughters.
Frail, fragile Julie and insecure,
sickness-prone Barbara.
(audience laughs)
- Actually they
look quite sturdy.
Anyway you left
these in your desk,
so I am returning one
your copy of M-S Magazine.
(audience laughs)
Two, half a candy bar.
Three, an open box of Kleenex.
- Yeah well thank
you Mr. Connors.
I'm sure you're a very
busy man, so with...
- I'd appreciate it if you'd
check these items out.
I did use two or
three of the Kleenexes
so by way of
compensation I'd like to
give you this felt tip marker.
(audience laughs)
- What's on your
mind, Mr. Connors?
- I'd like for you to consider
coming back to the firm.
- [Both] Yay!
- Mr. Connors, after
the way you treated me
I wouldn't even think about
going back to my old job.
- [Both] Aww.
(audience laughs)
- Are they planning on
providing counterpoint all night?
(audience laughs)
- Come on girls.
- As a matter of fact, your
old job is no longer available.
- Filled by a man no doubt.
- Nowadays it's hard to tell.
(audience laughs)
Anyway, I am prepared
to re-offer the post
of account executive
that I suggested earlier.
- [Girls] Yay!
(audience laughs)
- What happened to Harkins?
- I have other plans for him.
Well, what do you say?
- Well, Al...
- I beg your pardon.
(audience laughs)
Oh yes.
Go ahead, Ann.
- Why this change of heart?
- Quite simple, one I realized
I was thinking like a sexist.
Two I want to keep my
word, I did promise you the job.
Three...
(sighs)
- Harkins didn't work out.
What happened?
- His wife wouldn't
let him take the job.
(audience laughs)
She doesn't want
him on the road.
They have three kiddies at home.
Besides, I hate to say it
but you are better qualified.
- Well I hate to say
it, but I'll take the job.
- [Girls] Yay!
(audience laughs)
- All right kiddies,
you can come out now.
All right Mr. Connors,
I will be at my desk
bright and early
tomorrow morning.
- No you're going
to be on a plane
in an hour going to Chicago.
(audience laughs)
The Scott's sporting
goods people
are bringing out a new product.
- You mean now, why?
Is it that urgent?
- Let me put it this
way, if you take the time
to comb your
hair you'll be late.
Here's your
ticket, now let's go.
I'll drive you to the airport.
- Wait a minute Mr. Connors,
this is only a
one-way ticket here.
- I know, do a good job
and I'll wire you the return.
(audience laughs)
It's known as incentive.
- Oh golly.
- What's the matter?
- Oh girls, I can't
leave you like this.
I mean Julie I still have
to hem that dress for you
for the prom, and Barbara
those oatmeal cookies
I was going to bake
for the PTA meeting
and I still I mean my Jello
mold it hasn't gelled yet
and I'm still
needlepointing my quilt.
(audience laughs)
- Here's your return
ticket, M-S Romano.
- Thank you M-R Connors.
(applause)
(jazz music)
- [Narrator] One Day at
a Time was recorded live
on tape for a studio audience.
(jazz music)